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She doesn't want me anymore.
I have all the love in the world to give to her and she threw it back in my face.
She was more than just the girl I loved in High School.
She was the girl who was my universe from the first time we kissed.
Now I'm nothing more than a depressed ex-lover left behind to be forgotten.
She was a liar, she said she felt the same about me but wants nothing to do with me.
I feel like giving up on living.
It feels like more than just the love of my life is gone, it feels as tho a part of me has been ripped from my soul and the remainder has been left to rot away.
She needs to be gone from my life but I cant live without her.
So instead, I'll be gone from hers...

totally going through old bl journals instead of working on raver ethnography.

failfailfail

I was just talking to my gf on the way up to our place. I asked, "what do you think the people here think of us?" And she was like, "Why, because I'm brown?" And I was like, "Yeah." Then I started to talk about how there are some white guys who you can tell have black or hispanic girlfriends or whatever, but how I don't look like one of those guys.

Furthermore, those guys have a tendency to hate me in a really mean-spirited way. Probably because they know I put my tongue in the ass of all manner of girls. And I'm not going to sit back and act like I'm doing it as a secret, trying to keep it real like I'm too good to eat pussy. I will tell a bitch that she can't even go to work until she sits on my face, for real, before she takes a shower.

I'm all kinds of nasty. They already know that if their right hand isn't busy to start pointing that imaginary gun in my ass so I stay rock hard.

And you can still find a gangster watching French movies and saying "terrible" after it's over. You can still find a gangster pulling an espresso with raw sugar stuffed in the basket. But no matter how white I try to walk, no matter my tone, the caramel and chocolate girls know that it's okay. They don't have to be afraid.

And I can see those wheels turning: "no, he can't beat the pussy up. Not him. Let me teach him what the pussy is for and then we can start from there." Man, I'm so undercover.

Late afternoon here in Portland, Oregon.
Listening to SOMA FM. Music to slit your wrists by.
ATM, they are streaming some Cheese-Goth rubbish:
Koph Nia - Hymn to Lucifer (Premix).

I'm looking for the cheapest way to get to San fRancisco from PDX for the Winter break. Flights within my time frame are $50. But they leave at 8am. THat means I will have to get up at 5am run (a good 10 mile jog with my small back pack) to Pioneer square and catch the rail to the airport ($2.25).

Driving the 10 hour trip is a lot cheaper (about $80 in gas 1 way) than plane or train if you have more than 1 person in the car. When we go together, my gf and I usually travel between SFO and PDX that way. But sadly, my gf has decided to go down there a couple weeks early so I won't be able to ride with her. I don't drive.

A 1-way Amtrak train ticket is $147. I often take the train, but I'm not sure if I enjoy the trains any more. At any of the many stops, unlike airplanes where security has gone too far, there is no security and anybody can board and bring on anything. My girlfriend took the Amtrak Starlight line (SFO to PDX) a few months ago and witnessed a brawl (homeless people who got on in Oakland or Sacramento) on the train and a while later, somebody threatened to kill her. And somebody in the seat beside her spent half the night gossiping loudly on their cell phone. That ride was definitely not relaxing.

I've had a number of years of self-defense training so I just relax (Unless there is some loud-mouth sitting near me who is gossiping and will not shut their fscking mouth or somebody poops his pants) and don't worry about the brawls and death threats. But for a girl traveling alone, I can see how the experience can be terrifying. Those things I mentioned happened late at night and, from what my gf told me, the staff didn't seem to be around until things were already out of control. They must have been off duty or asleep. Eventually, they did what they could and called the police...
The police were waiting at the next stop. Dealing with everything (making arrests, taking statements, etc.) delayed the train for several hours.

I haven't seen any problems like that except for being subjected to loud stupid conversations at all hours. And one time there was the man who couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet in the back of the car. He too had boarded in Sacramento. He just stood up where he was, dropped his pants and pissed then shit diarrhea on the floor and on his seat. He got kicked off, but needless to say, that car had to be evacuated

As for taking a bus, I can only imagine the quality of the experience gets exponentially worse in this country.



I've finished work for the day. It's 5:24pm and I'm about to run home. It's a 10 mile run so I will be able to get in some cardio as my commute.

Wiki leaks didn't tell us anything we didn't know.

Is it wrong to tell the emperoir he has no clothes.

Anybody that is truly hurt, is a fool.

For about 2 years, ive searched through so many sites, forums, blogs, so on to hear people that just tell it like it is. Not many trying to scare ya into not doing something, but instead people saying dude, cut the shit, and just answer the ?...

I am not a hard user. Ive had my experiences,and havent moved up into the pharms yet so my addiction is verylow, but I do know it comes with growing that addiction to higher things. I guess thats where I have found myself... The medication is weak, but its for my own good. I am in alot of oain, and my one dr precribs me my meds every month, but its very low. However I do run out a couple days before they get filled, and have to figure out what to do because even though the meds are mild,I take enough that I get some crazy ass withdraws from not having it. It truthfully makes me feel like my bones are killing me. But my husband doesnt understand that expression. However, thats how I know I have an addiction, because im out of my meds, early.

Before I was on this medication, I was on harder stuff, and more of it. They finally took me off and put me on this after 6 months of being untreated while I withdrew. It was hell. My dr. simply didnt care. He Yanked them away after 4 years of being on perc and hydros. It was horrible!

Anyway, im just thankful I finally have somewhere I feel comfortable with posting a ?and feeling like the people will give me a straight answer, with also im sure advice which is fine.

Thanks Bluelight!

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
fo sho

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
yes

The last time you felt honestly broken?
currently

Are you craving something?
yes
stability,love

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
$$lots of money$$
for drugs,shopping,car,house

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
idk

What do you hear right now?
the keys on the keyboard tapping
the heater blowing

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
no

What’s on your mind right now?
my life dramas

Are you there for your friends?
not really,i often have so much negative shit going on that i become self centered.i dont mean to,i just get so caught up and stressed out..
if the tables were turned and it so happened that a friend was upset and i wasnt,then yes,i would do anything to help them.

Last person to see you cry?
nathan,of course.the asshole.

What do you do when you get nervous?
talk alot,not talk at all,laugh like an idiot,over analyze,act weird/stupid,say weird/stupid things.

Be honest, do you like people in general?
yes,at first
but then no, they usually let me down

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
i was 21

Does anyone completely understand you?
as far as i know,not even close.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
im gonna go with no.
theres a possibility of one
but im sure things wont work out.
they never do.

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
yes and haha,funny way to behave if that were truly the case...
happened several times actually.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
im not sure.

Do you tell your mom or dad everything?
no,i dont talk to them period.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
not really,only reason would be bc i smoke
and wouldnt want them thinking im gross
or tryn to getme to stop..

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
soon? how about right now.
and im sure as the day unfolds,yes more.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
yes

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
past

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
lately,0.

Are you easy to get along with?
im bipolar
so no,not at all
and yes,very easily....
depending on what mood im in i suppose.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
no,i actually like her alot
but i dont think i can really be around her anymore.

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
water

What size bed do you have?
i dont have a bed that i own.
the one i (rarely)sleep in is queen

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
before

Do you like the rain?
no,i hate it.its gloomy.makes mud and puddles
making my socks wet.i have curly hair and rain turns it into a puffball.fuck rain.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
i wish but probably not even close.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
yes

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
it depends on who these people are
what i have exposed about myself
if they could even begin to think they might"know" me..
to some im goodie goodie
to others,im hella bad news.


Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
lauren and jeremy

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
no clue,it must have been over 500 years ago when i went to the theater last.

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
yes

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
more than once.

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
no,im 25 years old.
ill have massive parties whenver the fuck i want,
if anyone would show up that is.

Do you regret a past relationship?
no,i actually dont.
i learned alot from my past relationships.

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
i cant choose between the two!
how bout a concert
then a crazy after party.

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
yes and it sucks.
i swear i am not doing it again.

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
no,i dont think so.im just not really mean.

Do you care too much about your appearance?
no.i dont want to be ugly,fat,and look like shit
but i certainly do not spend much time on
trying to be something im not;
perfect.
i do my 15 mins of makeup
throw on a pair of tight jeans
and a band shirt.some jewelery.
bam.good to go.


Are you a jealous person?
yes

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
no

Do you miss anyone?
yes

Last person who made you cry?
nathan,of course,the asshole.

Does your ex piss you off?
YEESS.

What are you doing tomorrow?
SSDD
unless i finally get physically removed from this place im evicted from,if that happens
i will be trying to find a place and moving all my shit out of this hellhole,and into another.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
not at all.

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
yes.

Have you ever been cheated on?
yes

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
haha good one. like when you love someone more than life,more than anything.you have their child and just wanted to be a family.when on your 4 year anniversary,he wakes you up all happy n cute"mornin baby,time to get up.go get ready so we can get going on this wonderful day we're going to have as a family"...so you get in the shower.you get out to realize that he has taken his personal items and walked out on you and the baby.he has flown to another state to live and work.he is sorry,says it had nothing to do with you.wants to work things out....fuck that.

Do you like cotton candy?
yes

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
tyler

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
fuck no.

Do you have siblings?
yes

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
nodded out or fallen asleep,either way,ya lol

How has the past week been for you?
really,really shitty.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
yes

What’s on your mind right now?
yay tylers back!

What were you doing at midnight last night?
fighting

What is your current mood?
suprised

Who was the first person you talked to today?
nathan,lauren

Will this week be a good one?
one can hope...

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
not for real,no.

Who were you with last night?
no one

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
i didnt sleep last night

Next time you will kiss someone?
no clue.

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
boy,of course.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
no,every day is the damn same.

i got this call at 3 in the morning from someone i knew in na. i found out today that their using and i wish i had answered, maybe i could have helped them...
of course i have been to ....my old na meeting area in a long time and i'm going to be there tonight so my mind goes to i wanna go to a meeting. and i can't cause i promised someone i'd be at their grad party and won't that on be a test. i really haven't gone anywhere with my friends that has a bar since i was drinking still.
not overly worried but it's gonna be different.

now, hard. Tried some Benzo Fury for first time RC experience. Not what I wanted but good anyway. Me and an old mate hooked up and did the usual drug-fuelled, inspired (at least we thought so!) all night conversation thing. Price wise it was same as street drugs so could have just got some speed for similar buzz. But we've both been there and experimenting with new stuff is part of the fun, eh?

None of that egomad listen to me me me stuff either but more engaged with a lively mind, leaping between ideas coherently. A bit nootropic perhaps? Certainly had more energy and some mild rushes. Could be good to have a boogie on but we were on a mellower vibe dranking ale in the pub like real mean do, grrr. Then back to his for more booze and laughs. I had a good night, best for ages, one of those spontaneous ones that are always better than making plans.

Oh, and I received a phone call today offering me a job. I was quite surprised as previously been told I was unsuccessful blah. But thank God for drop outs! Actually manage to stay normal throughout phone call, which I was impressed with. I have problems talking on the phone at the best of times. Just don't like phone conversations, dunno why.

Where am I?

Oh yeah coming down. Was just the physical tiredness, nice and clean for ages, none of the emotional darkness I can slip into but I can feel a vague outline of the abyss up ahead now. Which is pretty good going for not having slept at all yet. And having stared into the abyss on many occasions previously, I know what it feels like. I least I can steer out its way, I think.

I don't think I'll have any sleep for a while yet either as I'm in the gritty zone where images just flash behind my eyelids, keeping me awake as though by design.

Does anyone have times where they do do little thought discipline tests? Maybe it's just me. You create a simple thought that you should be able to control, but are unable to?

Sometimes I imagine closing a door in my mind and it just keeps springing open, refusing to obey my commands. It's bizarre. They're my thoughts and I should be able to control simple things like whether a door is open or closed.

The images keeping me awake behind my closed eyelids are out of control in a similar way. They're not bad images, just random kaleidoscopic colours and stuff. Sometimes I can make them do what I want, like they're dancing to a tune. Usually they just want to dance alone with me as spectator to my own mind. Not in an out-of-body, ketamine type way. Not that powerful.

I think it may have something to do with spending my entire day coming down in front of a computer and rambling constant nonsense all over various internet sites. I'm sure I entertained a few people though! Happy times with a dark lining, not too comfortable - it's how I seem to ride.

The Beta Band has started on my playlist. This is good. I can space out to them now and let you all be. I'm at the point now where I've been up too long to get any sleep, if that makes any sense. The emotional dark cloud that always comes in any comedown puts me off the idea, sitting there alone with my thoughts and no distractions. Think I'll just stay here for a while longer. Damn, I'm making myself feel lonely now but really I'm not. Must keep rambling and running from the fear. Yeah, that'll work.

I have to get this off my chest here so I don't foul up any more threads with the increasingly incoherent thoughts I'm experiencing. Wanton weirdness is coming now. I know it. No over analysing at all which is something for me. Let's just say I've done that enough in the past I don't care to fall into it again. My biggest life accomplishment recently actually, stopping the over analysing. That was such a killer. You can't dig yourself out by analysis. I tried. Just have to stop and forget what you said to people.

Benzo Fury - worth a go but nothing you can't get from your local man, (and probably more easily). Benzo is legal though, which has to be a plus.

Well I looked at the inspection sticker on my car and I thought, uh oh, I let that run out. i will go today and get in re-inspected.

But before I went I wanted to make sure I had all my Necessary docs. I went to the glove compartment and brought out my registration. That too was out of date. Then checked my Insurance card. Just happens that I haven't had insurance since August of this year.

So I called Ins. company. They said I failed to make payments. they need 365.0 to bring that back up to date and since it's past 30 days, will have to write up a whole new policy.

The policy went from 1699 to guess what 5,214 dollars. She then told me to look elsewhere, so I am well and truly fucked.


So can't pay mortgage, can't pay for car insurance, 40,000 in debt. I am pretty much dead and buried financially. My career work history is littered with gaps and jobs where I have little credibility and little chance of references.

And this my friends is where it can all lead to. How did it happen........ gradually and then all of a sudden. Tomorrow will be 1 year from the day I self admitted to the hospital.
It's been a tough year and I am not sure where I will be in a few months physically or financially. But all going to plan I will be here. I will be here clean. I will be here posting. I will be here surviving and growing stronger.
I have no idea how I am going to make this happen. But I will do it. And now things are beginning to make sense. Regardless of my age, I have been a little lost boy who has had very little experience of the real world. I have been hidden in the world of cash tips and never worrying about a bill. It came in and I paid. I went to work, I drank and I made money. But as the years went on I got into a business I knew nothing about with someone I knew very little about. I lost the business I and I was using cocaine more regularly. My pride and self esteem were damaged. I cared so much about how other people saw me. I didn't believe I deserved to be living in the neighborhood I was living in. I had been a really lousy husband to my wife and the shame guilt and remorse overwhelmed me. Bitterness resentment along with self medicating a mental illness kept me from ever getting better. Despite periods of sobriety, despite trying to fall under somebody's wing in AA. To do the steps, to do a fourth step, to be rigorously honest all that was asked of me, I couldn't get better.

I saw little improvement, however as this year has gone on I have stayed clean, I have become a soccer coach, but I have got deeper and deeper into debt. So Despite the fact that life is very difficult right now, maybe I have been doing enough work by myself, on myself, to be able to get a better picture of who I am, what it is that is wrong with me, or at least what needs to be taken care of in a healthier way.

My next step is therapy. I am going to find my own therapist and I am going to get the bottom of me. Money how am I going to afford a therapist. Well I don't know right now. It might not happen for a while, but that is where I am taking myself to. Medication is a must for me. I can feel myself cycling and yet I would tell myself it was nonsense. Hence such inconsistency in my life. On a binge back on the wagon, then back on the drink/drugs. Then never again. Constantly yearning to get it together, get it right.

Feed a man a fish and he will live for a day, teach him how to fish and He will live for a lifetime. Now I can say it is time to start a new living process, of not just getting any job to get money back in my pocket. No it is now that I must prepare for a long steady consistent road. A plan, a future, a plan for my son. A plan to pay bills, know when they are supposed to be paid, spend time looking for better deals better alternatives. Find motivation, not live day to day, week to week. To know where I will be in a month. To be able to plan ahead with conviction. To be able to make my own decisions.... say no to people who I respect even though they may not like it. Honor myself. Believe in myself, believe that if I can write this I can stay sober. I can apply myself to a task. I can complete a task. I can be successful. I can rise again. And when I do I will be stronger for my son. I will be stronger for my wife, if she still wants to be around me. I can and I will come out of this dark dark place and I will see the sun and I will see my sun.


Now to work out how to get from A to B without a car. Brrrr, it;s getting cold out there, not the best time to be without a car, ah well, such is life right now ;- )

This Monday, I got some RIMM. Tuesday, some analyst firm upgraded it. Today, it's up about 6% from Monday. If I didn't really believe in Blackberry products, I might be tempted to sell it now instead of sticking around long term.

aint here yet, but winters comin. and a flood of rememories to get the words flowin. dont mean nothin, these are just pieces. just somethin to get you started, just a quick sketch, subconscious mess. I aint tryna say nothin--just stretchin my mind, time to start paintin pictures again. Mental exercizes, paper and pen. Its only a start, a lil bit of nothin...just takin down the thoughts so maybe later theyll be somethin. catchin the stream as it comes, just some seeds, tiny pieces, patchwork scenes. just a sensation, just a fleeting something, just a passing, blurry image to bring the feeling back alive. just another snapshot from the archives:

...............................


gimme that raw, blood and bone...crystalline world where im all alone...gray skies, chilly white, concrete pale, one foot in front of the other. Winter in the gutter. clouds of steam, dboys breath, shadow-black, outlined in silhouette. in winter the grind takes a darker turn-grim reaper faces, eyes harder at the corners, watchin you burn. rush to warmth. chill creeps thru, weak in your knees. everything coated with a film of freeze...icey slush splashes, full of rubber bands empty stamps & cigarette ashes....
december - time to hustle harder for less scraps. everybody feelin the cold at their back. stay stalkin the block-head sweat under hoodies and hats, damp inside your wrapped up jackets. shiver, shake, rattle & roll, bone-froze fingers , but inside all calm, bundle warmin your palms...ice water in the set--melted snow and in it goes...freezing cold prick of the needle, liquid nitrogen, operating rooms, sterile (ha ha, never) --self anasthesia. Into a thick wooly sleep, medicated dream.

cheap opiates for all addicts which they can afford so they wont need to commit crime. the user will stabalize on a certain amount of the opiate after a while. ive noticed most people use roughly the same daily, especially if they have enough money to fund a habit. imo approx a gram of h3 a day would be enough for most, some more.

many problem drinkers may change to using opiates as their drug of choice and violence and domestic violence will decrease.

familys could get back together. less likely for kids to grow up with family problems.

anyway, just an idea i was thinking about just while smoking a spliff watching some police programme about all the trouble in towns on weekends. fuck it legalise everything.

I have been feeling balanced in a positive, consistent manner lately. I attribute it to busting my ass at work and exercising.

Yesterday, I decided to not do my standard exercise routine and I had the day off. Yesterday was also a day that started off well but then my perspective and balance was thrown off keel.

I was feeling melancholy, intolerant, judgmental and generally 'off'.

Typically when I get like that its because I am either doing something that goes against my general spirit or I am NOT doing something that I SHOULD be doing (being irresponsible). Knowing this, I decided to grab my laptop, head to the coffee shop and write on my First Step (again). I figured that applying positive effort would help bring some proper focus and perspective.

It did for a short time.

I believe that I NEED to exercise every day, no matter what. Its what I have been doing consistently during the 'balanced' few weeks and I don't think its coincidental that the one day I take a break is the one day I feel 'off'

Exercise is an excellent remedy for depression and, for me, it has a psychological effect. It symbolizes action in effecting change and self-improvement. I am noticing results and, if I may say so myself, I look pretty damn good for a 40 year old, recently clean IV drug user.

Lesson learned. Every morning, get it the fuck out of the way so that I can feel that I at least accomplished something.

As an aside I love the Mighty Boosh, one of the best british comedies honestly.
----

Things are still rollin' like fucking awesome. I received my unemployement thingy info which is cool, hopefully I have my first check by the beginning of january.

As of right now, folks I am amazing... I am clean, happy, and feel like I am going somewhere... even if it is just around the country like a homeless person.

For a long time I did the semi-"normal and ordinary" thing, and look what i got- credit card debit, a failed 7 year relationship, and now I am a temp-college drop out... Sooooo I am gonna do things my way now, because at least if I screw it up again I might not be so depressed.. lols

---

P and I still working our asses off to make that 20 bucks a day, folks is gonna laugh because I, for all intensive purposes am a scrappy-scrapper.. But let me say I make it look damn sexy. My D&G sunglasses (Hata' Blocka's), Skinny jeans, wifebeater, and yoga shoes... My mom laughed her ass off when she actually saw dirt on my face and neck from ripping apart patio furniture.

---

So P tells me that he has had a huge crush on my since High School, but that he was too much into drugs and I always had a boyfriend... we never touched base. So he sweeps me off my feet the other day, and I say neat, lets meet and be something. Its cool, we get along ridiculously well--- all butterflies and shit, plus hes goddamn sexy and upbeat... sweet.

P gave me permission to share this...


(mine, yesh, omg)

pretending to sleep.. har har it was cute, specially that he drank too much and I had to make sure he was on his side all night. yeah but thats a whole other story...

-----

OverDone and Spork, lets make it happen-- It would be fricken awesome to chill with you folks.
Can ya'll PM me your digits so we can eventually arrange shit?

---

So how are you Bloolite? I bet ya'll weirded out by my uber happy attitude, trust you me I am beside myself too.

Here's me yesterday



Its surprising, I seem to get prettier each day I am happier. Plus I've lost 15 lbs, so thats a plus...

anyways, ttysoon bloo.

For a long time I totally forgot about my Bluelight profile. I finally logged in today, and reread some of the blog entries I posted here in November and December 2009. Going back to that desolate place in my heart and soul still makes a shiver run down my spine. I knew I was in it deep, but I was clueless about what it would take to dig myself out. I found out the hard way, of course. That's how I learned everything.

Anyway, nowadays I'm living back in New Jersey with my family. They know about my addiction and are incredibly supportive of me. I'm no longer with my ex-boyfriend, the person who introduced me to dope in the first place. I went through detox and rehab in September and October 2010 and now see an addiction psychiatrist a couple times a week. I'm on Suboxone maintenance, which I will eventually come off of once my doctor and I feel I'm ready. I've reestablished contact with all my old friends again, who are also aware of my issues, and see them often. I still make it out to NYC every so often to visit people or go to parties. I take pictures and write in a journal regularly again. I am planning on going back to school to study nursing in 2011.

The moral of this story is that healing is possible. To say that heroin destroyed my life as I knew it is a vast understatement... but I didn't let it destroy me. The support and encouragement I received from my family was immensely helpful in the beginning of my recovery, because they were able to push me when I didn't have the energy or motivation to push myself. However, what ultimately determines whether you sink or swim is you. Some part of me will always be in love with heroin, but heroin will always be a sinking ship. It is never worth the temporary escape. As I let go of my addiction, I recovered pieces of myself that I thought were lost forever. There is always hope, no matter how far gone you are. As long as you are truly ready for change, it will come.

I looked at exercise as almost something that had to be done. Now I look at it as something to look forward to. A reward. I firmly believe that we are capable of way more than we give ourselves credit for. It is channeling the thoughts and catching ourselves when we are convincing ourselves that xyz is just too much bother.

I am at the moment working on channelling the thought process. It is hard. It is like physical training. the first few weeks are so tough. You think there will be no improvement. It isn't instant. It takes too much effort. But little by little the body gets stronger, the body tighter ,sharper, and you can see yourself running longer distances, lifting more etc. etc. and I am now applying that to the mind. It is even harder as I have never ever tried to train or exercise the mind. But I am already beginning to see signs that I can get stronger in that department. This post is one of the signs.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here:
Such delusions might be seen as an attempt to resolve a cognitive dissonance between hard evidence... (and it goes on).

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there?
The fleece blanket on the other end of my couch.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
I don't watch TV. Um the last thing that I saw was a bit of A Hard Day's Night at my parents' place before I asked them to turn it off.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
9:00 ish

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 9:06. Not bad.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The neighbour closing his door.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
About an hour ago, when I went to go pick up a pizza.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Another survey . Before that? More Bluelight.

9. What are you wearing?
An old black tshirt and my 'comfy shorts': a huge old pair of semi-ratty poly/hemp blend Lululemon shorts.

10. Did you dream last night?
I do every night, but I rarely remember them.

11. When did you last laugh?
At yoga.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Blue paint mostly. A somewhat old Chinese watercolour painting on a far wall.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Nothing that comes to mind, but I have a pretty high tolerance level for the somewhat bizarre.

14. What do you think of FacebookCraze.com?
Never heard of it, and have no real desire to hear of it.

15. What is the last film you saw?
Burn After Reading. I had to watch it a few times before I actually made it all the way through.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Half would be invested, my siblings and I would no longer have mortgages, my cousins would have solid portions removed from theirs, my parents would have a trip to wherever in the world they wanted to go. Oh, and I'd donate a mil to the stuttering treatment and research institute that helped me when I was young.

Whatever was left would probably go to buying another place here, a place in Montreal, and possibly another in TO. I'd pick one to live in, and after taking a trip to see more of the world I'd go back to school to get my PhD.

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know
I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I may never have a proper romantic relationship, and that bothers me a lot less than I thought it would.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
People could not be isolated from the consequences of their actions.

19. Do you like to dance?
I love to, but rarely get the opportunity to do so, outside of my own living room or occasionally when I'm by myself in the lab.

20. What do you think of the president?
He's not my president, so my opinion doesn't really carry a lot of weight, but it seems like the presidency is becoming more and more of a figurehead position with every passing election.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
If the decision was mine alone? Nienor or Yavanna. +1 to whomever gets the reference.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
That one's tougher. If it was entirely up to me? I honestly don't know.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
I'd very much like to at some point.

24. What do you want to say to God when you die?
Well, as an atheist I'd probably say something like "Well, who knew? "

Pills ...the feeling of milligrams running through your body entering through your nose like a line of coke just for a couple hours of forgivness and forget just to get your mind off those things everyone knows bothers you. Then once it wears off the pain is so un barable the only choice to survive is to work your way closer to death with opiates or sataives. each day trying to stop with lines but then the lines of words from notes you had wrote me about love send me right back to crushing a pill just for a smile. Syntheic happiness is just like anything else snythetic....not the real thing and never as good as the real thing. Just a cover up to make it look real. So the inside is what still hurts .From one minute the times and memories with you still being there to the next with nothing but empty space. she thinks i cheated but i didnt i did other things so i didnt cheat and to try to make both of us happy and the only thing that could do that was 6mg of xanax and a green monster everyday for a month or maybe more. Thinking addiction cant happen......but it did and now im stuck and at the edge of death vally looking down over the ledge knowing that with every line i get closer to the edge yet everyday with out pills i get closer to relapse and seizurs. started taking pills just for
us to be happy then you figureout your entering a room with no exit and then to find that the world around you isnt the same. That the decisions you made were wrong. That the decisions youve made are just destroying you as bad as the lossing of a loved one did. The synthetic happiness becomes synthetic living which can be considered sythetic death. Sythetic death since you feel like you might as well be laying in the back of a black hurst with loved one gathering around talking about you but mostly bad about you.ad the girls you loved most never even thinks to show or sheds a tear when she hears because of all this shit you put her through you dont matter to her any more your just and grave stone in a field with other. Pills like ambien give you vivid dreams... dreams that let you know where your going with obvious signs but you never pay attention till the next trip.... All the things ive done in my life suddenly come to me that i have it better then most i atleast have a roof over my head and a bed the only thing missing is the biggest part and shes far gone now. All gone because of me and my problems and my way of living all i can do is watch her go and really be happy while im stuck in a world of only synthetic happiness because of my decisions i made. anymore i lay in my bed or sit in my chair with a pen cut in half and a line of slow death infront of me. im addicted not only to opiates and benzos im addicted to sythetic happiness.
im a fuck up and i know i can turn it around somehow but i dont want people knowing i want to handle my mess by my self all i need is some good friends for support but thats hard to find now because of my mistakes:''(

Pills ...the feeling of milligrams running through your body entering through your nose like a line of coke just for a couple hours of forgivness and forget just to get your mind off those things everyone knows bothers you. Then once it wears off the pain is so un barable the only choice to survive is to work your way closer to death with opiates or sataives. each day trying to stop with lines but then the lines of words from notes you had wrote me about love send me right back to crushing a pill just for a smile. Syntheic happiness is just like anything else snythetic....not the real thing and never as good as the real thing. Just a cover up to make it look real. So the inside is what still hurts .From one minute the times and memories with you still being there to the next with nothing but empty space. she thinks i cheated but i didnt i did other things so i didnt cheat and to try to make both of us happy and the only thing that could do that was 6mg of xanax and a green monster everyday for a month or maybe more. Thinking addiction cant happen......but it did and now im stuck and at the edge of death vally looking down over the ledge knowing that with every line i get closer to the edge yet everyday with out pills i get closer to relapse and seizurs. started taking pills just for
us to be happy then you figureout your entering a room with no exit and then to find that the world around you isnt the same. That the decisions you made were wrong. That the decisions youve made are just destroying you as bad as the lossing of a loved one did. The synthetic happiness becomes synthetic living which can be considered sythetic death. Sythetic death since you feel like you might as well be laying in the back of a black hurst with loved one gathering around talking about you but mostly bad about you.ad the girls you loved most never even thinks to show or sheds a tear when she hears because of all this shit you put her through you dont matter to her any more your just and grave stone in a field with other. Pills like ambien give you vivid dreams... dreams that let you know where your going with obvious signs but you never pay attention till the next trip.... All the things ive done in my life suddenly come to me that i have it better then most i atleast have a roof over my head and a bed the only thing missing is the biggest part and shes far gone now. All gone because of me and my problems and my way of living all i can do is watch her go and really be happy while im stuck in a world of only synthetic happiness because of my decisions i made. anymore i lay in my bed or sit in my chair with a pen cut in half and a line of slow death infront of me. im addicted not only to opiates and benzos im addicted to sythetic happiness.
im a fuck up and i know i can turn it around somehow but i dont want people knowing i want to handle my mess by my self all i need is some good friends for support but thats hard to find now because of my mistakes:''(

Ive been thinking about the future, and for most that is a rather a normal thing to do or so Ive been told. What a depressing thing to do I was only supposed to live only for the moment right, no thought about what effect only that an effect was attained. Never giving thought to how we would deal with consequences the "aftermath" that had become my life I would call it more like a nuclear meltdown. In restrospect this cataclyism was easy to see but at the time it was blindsiding.

Know im sitting hear after a mediocre acedemic semester about to go back home and try to get some direction I cant stand being this unhappy. Its been such a shitty crazy sememster.Home is fucking warzone between me and my parents over drugs itll take a goddamn miracle if I make it back to school without them refusing to pay for it.

I have pretty much fallen out with all my friends over stupid shit well. I think its stupid I mean I would never stop being friends with someone over thier drug use. Its not like im ever falling all over myself or ODing around them. I do know who my true friends are though.

It has gotten to the point where drugs have negativly impacted my life but have not totally destroyed it yet I know I should stop but I honestly would rather be high then sober if that makes me a bad human being then well shit.



BTW blogs times you out way too fast I almost lost that when I went to post>

I can't help, but wondering out loud.

Did I ever find myself? Was all that looking worth anything. I still see myself the same. I might be missing something. Perhaps I never knew the question.

I'll take my judgement. Let the sky be my witness. I'm not sleepy, and there is no place I'm going to.

Iv chewed plenty of concerta 54mg it wasnt worth it to snort so i have a pretty high tolererance and i just got prescribed to daytrana and iv tried chewing it but one patch just dosent do it so I was wondering if any of you have tried daytrana and if so how much does it take you to get high and how do you do it?

Maybe im out of line here, but I really would like advice on getting mdpv!! Online preferably from someone who can be trusted!!