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The past few months I've been getting very close with this girl, attractive little thing and a great body, but then everytime i get too close she seems tyo push me away. Anyhow friday she came over to mine for a few drinks friday, ended up cracking open some dynamite flake i had picked up earlier on in the day. The night went on and she started confiding in me had the week beforemaking her jibber jabber as it had the week before. I was fine with all this as she has been through a lot and was quite happy just to be there to comfort her, then after a few minutes she calmed down and got herself together and kissed me. Now we have kissed before but never like this, it then lead on to the best, most exciting spontaneous sex I have ever had. She knew just how to hit the spots, and is very seductive then the flake helped out as it made the sex last even longer, a good hour and a half had past and i still wasnt cumming, this didnt bother me as i didnt want it to end. Then it ewas getting late and i had work in 6 hours and knew i wouldnt sleep off the flake easily so stopped for a minute and racked up the last of my strong ket, big mistake, after 10 minutes of doing it i physically couldn't move so unfortunately it came to an abrupt end

Anyhow she came round again today and we both laughed off about the ket situation, was quite comical, and something very typical of me to do, have the most amazing sex, with an amazing girl who was genuinely keen and I end it early because I did too much ket at once lol.

Today was dramatic..ugh!
I have all this baggage, that just rose up from nowhere and bit me right on the Ass and I've been really Crazy all day until now. Now I just feel like shit for derailing. Why couldnt I have kept my Damn Mouth shut.

I hate my extended Family, just wish they didnt exist!! Hate that my Mother didnt go tell them where to go...she's trying to keep face but I say Good riddance!!!! Good for nothing bastards.

This is Opy.

He is a seven and a half week Blue Nose Pitbull.
I got him through a friend of a friend.
I've had him for just over 24 hours and I already love him to death.
His name is Opy, which is pronounced Oh-Pee, and it is short for Optimus Prime.
Geeky, yes. Do I care? Not particularly.
Ive had dogs before, in fact, there were already two living in my house before I brought him home. But Opy is the first dog that I will be raising on my own...well, with the help of some people on Zinternet.
I've never trained a dog before, but I know it's gonna be a rewarding experience and I can't wait
I'll try to post weekly updates and any other significant event that occurs.
Much love,
-Nation

It has been a long time since I have bought or sold an option. The whole game has done everything but put me in jail. But I've had some time to think about it. Working hard twelve hours a day, saving up a marginal amount of money every two weeks, I have realized that I can't work like this - out of my element - for too much longer.

The time has come to make some abnormal jumps in wealth, but now that I understand what the value of a dollar is I am going to be extremely dilligent.

I am going to focus on one stock at a time, each of which I am requiring myself to hold at least a $600 actual position in. On the third week of every month I am going to put a "boat" around my position, trading for one day, and making only two purchases - calls and puts that expire that Friday. The high variance that occurs around that time will make one option worthless and one profitable. The trick, as always, is going to be making the profit bigger than the loss.

So, the first stock is RIMM. I don't at all expect it to go up forever and quite frankly I'm worried about whether it even has the ability to stay in touch with smartphone market trends. As a Blackberry user and shareholder, of course I like the product. But one or two production and design decisions by Apple could completely destroy RIMM, who is apparently confident that business users will always find the standard Blackberry the most user friendly. Quite a gamble...

And this uncertainty, combined with the wide fluctuation of the stock, make it an ideal candidate to research from a money-making perspective. The chart I will create is going to show the fluctuation of RIMM puts and calls as a percentage change over the Thursday before they expire. Ime, Friday is way to unpredictable price-wise because the time element has an exponential effect on the price. A stock might climb 3 points and a near the money call won't change at all. I've seen it happen - it's happened to me - and because of all the technical elements that make things wacky on the final Friday, I better just stay away.

out of curiosity i want to know how much someone can take. i tried .5 and stayed up for 2 days. but i think that was a lot. so if people could send me how much someone you know has done at one particular time. but it has to be someone that did it with pure mdma. thanks

I am writing this as a continuation to this post:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=541834


I am referred to this place by another suboxone Dr., who I had found on some listing online. The place I called had a waiting list, and I am told that the place where I am going does not (now I see why!).

I test positive for opiates and THC when I go in the first time. I am then very sick and dehydrated. Piss was like dark orange.

I then took a second test a week later. I had just got out of my very strenuous, overnight job, at which I drink alout of water. If I don't stay well hydrated I would honestly worry about my health. I had also just managed to quit smoking weed, very abruptly, several days before that test and had hardly been eating. I am thinking this played a part in the especially low levels. They made a huge deal about the THC and said that if it was still pos in 2 weeks, there would be consequences (more frequent visits for more intesive and frequent counseling which means more $$$).

When I went in 2 weeks later I was quite sure there would be no issues. I had not taken anything but suboxone since I quit smoking trees. they told me I was suspected of tampering and I was now required to take the UA supervised in this tiny, stall-like bathroom. Seriously the dude was like <1ft from me! Panic ensues (See the anon post referenced above for more info). I was unable to give a sample, After a counseling session, which consisted of them laying out in more detail what they suspected me of doing and basically made me feel like shit, I was grudgingly cleared by the counselor to go into the bathroom. The last thing she said to me was that there would be problems on my next visit if my levels were not normal (they have to send it out to get anything other than pos/neg results

Rescheduled for friday, where I had no problem giving a sample as there was no observer this time and I did not have to talk to the counselor. Apparently Tuesday's session was enough to satisfy her sadistic desires. She did at one point walk through the waiting room and scowl at me. I saw the Dr. and briefly explained what had happened as far as me panicking, but did not really get into why my creatine might be low. I hadn't really worked out what was going on at that point. I also thought it might be better not to try and give him all these crazy excuses when I'm really not really sure what caused the low level, all I know is that I did not tamper.

I ended up kind of liking the Dr. When I told him how good I was doing he listened and was supportive and encouraging. At this point I was very glad that I had toughed out the problems I had and stayed on the program. I do have some issues with him, but I've never been really that fond of doctors, and we do seem to get along great.

I feel like I should get a new Dr. just for the fact that they implied there would be an issue if my test came back low creatinine again, which for all I know, it could. I have one month to find a better place, but if for some reason I cannot, I will always have the option to try and make it work.

Taken from ocean.

Hi, my name is:xK-la

Never in my life have I been: normal

The one person who can drive me nuts is: My parents and sometimes I drive myself nuts!

High school was: and is OVER. Thank fuck! Not entirely enjoyable when you are surrounded by people who think they are better than you and are completely fake

When I'm nervous: I'm quite anxious, so I fidget a lot or think the worst of things. Sometimes verbally as there isn't much of a filter from my brain to my mouth

The last time I cried was: Thursday through to Friday. Worrying about my boyfriend.


If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: Thats a tough one! Probably one of my best friends, T 'cause she would be happy for me without judgement

My hair is: Dyed a really light blonde with a huge amount of regrowth.

When I was 10: I was mentally older than anyone in my year and therefore was quite lonely

Last Christmas: was so long ago I don't even remember it, how sad

I should be: in school, learning something to get me a job

When I look down I see: the legs that have failed me at a real chance of life

The happiest recent event was: spending the week at my boyfriends, no drugs, just normal stuff like cuddled up watching tv and the best sex ever

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: none of them. They don't fit me in the slightest way.

By this time next year: I hope to be still alive, and possibly past my addiction and still with my boyfriend, the two of us in a better place.

My current gripe is: money and my addiction.

I have a hard time understanding: chemistry and maths lol

There's this girl I know that: has low self esteem when I know she is capable of anything

You know I like you when: I give you my most undivided attention and even tell you

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My boyfriend

Take my advice: Stay true to yourself and never change for anyone.

Something that I really want to buy is: Sadly, at this current time, meth.


If you visited the place I was born: You'd find a lot of Bogans and Lads.

I plan to visit: My boyfriend in rehab.

If you spend the night at my house:
We'd sit outside in the sun, talk all day, smoking cigs into the night. Then when it gets cold, we'd go inside and talk more, listen to EDM, anything you'd want to do because I'm easy going.

I'd stop my wedding if: someone was in labor or died.

The world could do without: So many things, a few are - prejudice, hate, fake people, and assholes.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Shoot Meth

Most recent thing I've bought myself: A bunch of books and a packet of cigarettes.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: A VIP ticket to Defqon. 1, I paid for it but they bought it for me

My favorite blonde is: My best friend, T.

My favorite brunette is: My other best friend N and my boyfriend.

My favorite redhead is: I don't have a favorite celebrity redhead and none of my friends are redheads.

My middle name is: Jane.

This morning I: I came straight onto BL

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: none.

Once, at a bar: I made out with 2 guys, fell off the toilet and hit my head on the wall.

Last night I was: watching episode after episode of Glee.

There's this guy I know who: if he doesn't quit Meth, he will develop permanent psychosis

I don't know: what the future holds.

A better name for me would be: Crystal, 'cause I'm addicted to Meth LOL.

Tomorrow I am: going to have a better day... Hopefully.

Tonight I am: on BL.

My birthday is: Beginning of August and I am a Leo.

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: Someone who was entirely mine, and not shared.

I can sing: terribly, but I don't care

I like a guy named: B

My best friend's name: T and N (I have two)

Now you copy and paste!!!

Preface: After spending the 1st 2 posts discussing a bout of morphine withdrawal on Cebu Island in the Philippines, I am finally about to discuss the issue(s) relating to the title,"4 Continents in 1 Week."

I was in Makati in late September spending time in the condo I am leasing when I was invited to a dinner at the Israeli Embassy. Makati is 1 of the cities that compose the cluster fuck known as "Metro Manila."If the Philippines has anything even remotely approaching a "Jewish Neighbourhood," and mind you with less than 300 of us, including Israeli Diplomats that would be just a tad bit difficult, Makati's "Salcedo Village" district would certainly fit the bill. Salcedo Village is home to the Israeli Embassy which itself is housed in a skyscraper, well ensconced on a few of the upper floors. The Americans have an ostentatious campus sitting on prime Manila Bay real estate, beautiful sunsets, but us? All the smog you can eat.

Salcedo Village also plays host to the nation's only synagouge as well as a recently opened Chabad House, which is a cultural centre for Jewish ex-pats who crave Jewish food, companionship and so on.

On Mindanao I am 1 of 5 Jews, the other 4 being Irrigation Engineers on a banana plantation in the town of Datu Paglas in Maguindanao Province. I live in NE Mindanao, in the middle of the Maoist Insurgencyz, they are in the epicentre of the island's largest Islamo-fascist Insurgency so our get togethers are rare indeed. All Jews are related by blood to the 4th degree (4th cousins) or closer and so when a lone Jew meets another it is truly as if we met family.Not to mention that we have a unique and deeply imbued culture and are always faced with prejudice and ostracism so is it any wonder that people often describe us as "clannish?"

On Makati I had been spending a lot of time with my new lover, Joysa. She is a 23 year old Tagalog,from Bulacan which is a city on the opposite end of Metro Manila.

Joysa and I met on a trip I took to Angeles City, 2 hours north of Metro Manila, in Pampanga Province. Angeles City is a nightmare for me. I am not a prude by any measure of the word but the city isd like Sodom Fucken Gomorrah! I have never been to a sex club, strippers etc., nor have I ever been with a prostitute. Until I entered Active Duty in the IDF at age 16 I was raised as a Hassidic Jew. The IDF, until the early 90s despised religion and they quite literally beat it out of me and yet my moral compass, large portions of it, has remained intact.

On my last New York to Manila flight I met a friend of mine from Mindanao...I believe I did mention this in the 1st of these 3 posts. I won't mention him by name out of respect for his private life but he's an American academic who I met during his tour with JSOTF-P, the joint US/Philippine Milit*ry Task Force tackling one of the Islamo-fascist Insurgencies on Mindanao. Virtually all Americans are ignorant to the fact that Mindanao is the 3rd Front of the US War on Terror (Iraq, Afghanistan and Mindanao).JSOTF-P (Joint Strike Operational Task Force-Philippibes) is worth a post of its own. For the sake of brevity, it consists of roughly 700 Americans, mostly Special Forces.

After my friend's Tour ended he left the miliary and gained his PhD and has since gone on to do ground breaking work on Terrorism/Counterterrorism. I hadn't known but hed gotten a lover in Pampanga which happens a lot with American military personnel since the province is home to Clark Air Base which until the mid-90s was a huge US Base. In addition. Not far away is Subic Bay, a former US Navy Base. During the Vietnam War both were among the largest bases in the US system and as so often happens around US bases a huge red light district opened nearby, in this case, Angeles City.

My friend invited me to come up and visit him and since as I mentioned, it is only 2 hours north of Metro Manila, I took him up on the offer.I spent 4 days at his house and I have to say, I really hate that town and all that goes with it though I did meet Joysa there. Normally I wouldn't even look at a pretty girl in that town for a number of reasons. Aside from the obvious, women there are the most Westernised of all the Philippines, including Manila. For example, unlike a nation like South Korean where maybe 7 out of 10 women smoke, women in the Philippines almost never smoke. Even those that do never do in Public though in Manila you see a few. In Angeles they are everywhere. Women in the Philippines usually do laundry by hand where as in Angeles they wouldn't dream of that. Don't get me wrong, I am no Luddite and don't despise technology or things that ease a woman's life it is just that with these affectations come Westernised attitudes such as divorce, abortion, things I think are too easily given in the West, etc.

I met Joysa on a jeepney. Jeepneys, as I mentioned in prior posts are a form of public transport unique to the Philippines. Post WWII there were loads of surplus US Army jeeps. Taking those Willys Jeeps Filipinos fabricated 10 meters long drive shafts and then, using sheet metal and iron extended the bodies and frames to match. Just like American "Low Riders" the roofs are "chopped" so that they look like a schoolbus whose roof has been flattened to be just above passengers' heads. Painted in psychadelic patters the have names painted on them like,"Tease Me but Love Me," or, "Fancy Dancer."Actually now that I think about it I have seen trucks and busses in the English speaking Caribbean also use such names.

I was going to a mall to find a bookstore my friend mentioned and Joysa was returning from her job. Since she worked nights and has a body like a Playboy Centerfold (those I have experienced, unlike sexclubs) I was sure that when the conversation progressed I would discover that she was a Bargirl (Philippine speak for"Prostitute,"or as Filipinos also call them,"Prostis"). I was shocked however when she told me she worked as an Encoder/Transcriptionist in a Call Centre.9*"" centres" are a huge business in the Philippines owing to how widely and proficiently English is spoken here.

For those still clueless, or perhaps unsure, these are the accented voices you hear when checking your cell phone or credit card bill or making reservations. Joysa's job is to listen to recordings of flagged calls and transcribe them via word processing si that it can be incorporated into training materiels. Having an Associates Degree she makes 9700 Pesos a month (210 US). She works from 9PM until 8AM, 5 days a week and is given 2 free meals from the company cafeteria. Like most workers in the Philippines she and her family get very basic medical insurance from the governmental insurer, Philhealth (sic). 4he gets 21 paid days off a year, an extra months pay each year, something most Filipino workers get, what they call,"13th Month's Pay" doled out at around Xmas.This is considered a very posh gig in the Philippines and so she's proud.

I thought I could conclude this title with this entry but as I often am, I was wrong...

jjjjjjj

So here i am and the holiday season is nearly upon us again. Time to get ready to buy gifts for the immediate family and maybe try and give something to a few friends of mine that mean alot to me. God knows not all the money in the world would repay them though.

It's almost december and i am honestly at a loss as to what to do with my future. This time last year i was planning to go to Ontario with my g/f and i eventually did but that got fucked up through no fault of my own. So i ended up coming back to this shithole of a rural ghetto and im back to square one

I have a few choices that i could maybe do. 1 is get a place in the city here and go to school. I wouldnt mind getting a place of my own and it would actually be nice to have a place i could call my own too. MINE ALL MINE! Except i don't know anyone at all really in the city here anymore and i could end up getting very bored and hating the place. That might lead to me doing some not so healthy things to relieve the boredom such as drinking, smoking crack or shooting coke. Speedballs to get through the day.

Another option is try and pony up the cash to get a place with my g/f and move in with her. This time we wouldnt have a interfering room mate fucking with our relationship so that would be one thing going for us right there. Plus ive had no closure at all on our relationship as we didnt break up or anything at all like that i just left because i got pneumonia and couldnt pay the $60 up front to go to the walk in clinics. The hospitals up there are beyond fucking useless as well . Thanks alot jerks you couldnt even diagnose pneumonia . I definetely feel like i have to give it another go if for no other reason then to get some closure on this whole situation. It's pretty much been eating me up ever since i left her. I have honestly never felt so low as the time when i hugged and kissed her and we said goodbye. I had to leave her and that gutted me beyond words.

So as another year is almost done im left thinking that this was one hell of a year that is for sure. What have i got to show for it? Im no farther ahead then i was before and im in the exact same place as i was last year only with less hope. So where did this year get me really? Well ok i finally got to meet the girl i love more then anything else on this planet so atleast the first part of this year was awesome. It's too bad that the spring, summer and fall sucked balls .

I hope things turn around soon.

What if i like this depression. What if i want to see the whole shit come crashing down.

How far will I take self pity? Who else can I take down with me. Set myself on fire and see who dies from the smoke.

Do I need to lose every fucking thing? Even my mind.
Ah i can't even be bothered to write this shit.

Today is Thursday, November 11,2010 and it is now 330PM here in Mindano, the Philippines.

Last Entry: So long ago it doesn't matter but if anyone is keeping track it was September 25, 2010.

This Entry: Of late I have been spending more than a bit of time in a nation called Guinea in Equatorial Africa. I can't really say much about that than to say that for a supposed"Narco State"there wasn't a whole lot of fun for a diehard junkie such as myself. If it wasn't for loved ones bringing me what I needed it would have been worse than Cebu,2007.

Since that fun episode is lost to history, now that BL Journals have floated off into the ether, I might as will kill a bit of time reminiscing.

Rizza,myself and Dad went over to Cebu. I had taken 2 bottles of 20mg morphine tablets for what should have been a 3 day trip... plus 1.5 days on the ferry, total to and fro. For the mathamatically challenged amongst you, that's a paltry 2000 mgs of IR (Instant Release Hypodermic Tablets). I should have been OK with 450 mgs a day and a bit to spare, especially since I was well medicated when we went through the security controls and onto the boat.

In the Philippines there is a quaint little thing called,"Philippine Time."If you invite someone for an afternoon they might show up at 8PM, or else they may not show up until the next day. I am well aware of this cute local custom,just as I am aware of the Filipinos inability to say,"No."All SE Asians are like that, its about,"saving face,"not causing shame or overt anomosity.

I planned to ask Dad on the 2nd evening about making sure we returned to Mindanao on time.The 2nd evening came and Dad was gone. Unlike Mom, Dad was born on Cebu and it is where his parents and most of his siblings still lived. Dad had gone out to Compostela to stay in his old house, to visit with the folks. They had no phone (south of Luzon it is extremely rare to even see a land line) and Dad,amazingly even now, doesn't use a cell phone.

I asked Rizza and she assured me Dad was well aware, etc.,and so forth.

The evening on Day 3 saw me eat my last tablets (I don't inject) and take the last 4 or 5 for good measure. I would rather be sick on land I thought than on an Economy berth with a couple of hundred sullen brown faces watching me shit on my self.

Morphine addicts, those of us who use IR can last at most 8 hours between fixing. By 4AM the fun began. With that wonderful mental state that makes you feel like nothing is right with the world you begin getting hot and cold flashes and then you have to pee every 10 minutes,literally.
Uncontrollable yawning begins and then sweats, stomach cramping and runny diahrrhea.

I am a very stable man and aside from my 8 days dry run when my methadone finished the previous July I hadn't had any sickness at all in decades. Poor Rizza,expecting it to be as it was when I sick from methadone...

Methadone addicts swear its the vilest opiate/opioid in the world to detox off of but most couldn't explain the pH Scale let alone the physiological processes involved.They feed off each others' blind fear and bank on old wives' tales. Methadone takes a LONG time to get out of your system... Morphine? 72 hours and the last 24 aren't bad at all.. but there are 36 to 30 hours that will bring ANYONE to their knees, especially someone like me with a 24 year run under their skin.

By the mid-morning I could no longer walk the stairs to the 1 commode in our Cebu house. I asked for a pop bottle and did my best. Then it quickly devolved to me standing at that 2nd floor window in 1 of the most congested areas in the country and simply aiming for the river below & not always getting my aim correctly.

By the evening I was literally screaming at Rizza to leave me the fuck alone. I have had dysentery in the field,etc,etc and am not used to someone fluttering around worried. I begged her to leave me on my own and I will handle it but she couldn't...and I don't blame her.What does she know about THAT? She thought I was dying.

I had a 75mg vial of Meperidine/Pethidine/Demerol but as I said,I don't inject. The Philipines loves to be difficult and these vials have little tops u have to snap off. Sure that I would fuck it up and smash a glass vial into the palm of my hand if I even had the strength I asked Rizza to get her bro Nigel. Nigel,then,was 21 & in his last year of an RN course. Unfortunately school is a lot different in the Philippines,or at least Southwestern University WAS...he hadn't a clue.

Dad strolled in at 1PM, and swore I would die. I let them push me into the car and we drove over to Southwestern's hospital.

I asked the doctor to prescribe morphine. In the Philippines there is a 2 tier prescription system. "Dangerous Drugs,"the equivalent of the American"Controlled Dangerous Substance" requires a special liscence to prescribe. This liscence,"S2" is rare. Most large hospitals have a single MD on staff at any given time who can write at will. The MD was NOT an S2.

Doctor:"What's wrong?"

Me:"I was wounded when I was 17 and I have been habituated since, here is my stack of Philippine S2 Prescription Receipts. "

Dr:"I cannot write you a prescription, I will have to page the Dr who can. Can you wait?"

*I had feces running down my leg & since I was in loose shorts... I made a very nice presentation

Me:"What do you think? Huh?"

Dr,trying to seem like he gives a flying fuck:"Would you like an injection of Nubain?"

*Nubain is the trade name for nabulphine hcl,the only opiate/opioid in the US that is unschedualed. You can find a Tylenol 3 Schedualed but not nabulphine. The reason of course is because it has practically ZERO abuse potential. Strongly antagonistic, if an addict of any other opiate/opioid (other than nabulphine) takes the substance they immediately go into severe and acute withdrawal. That said...the only place in the world where this substance is abused happens to be Cebu City,poor,poor,poor Filipinos...

I don't know if he was baiting me or actually trying to accomodate me but I gave him a lecture on what antagonism would do to me at that moment...

To be continued...

Last few days have been terrible. I am down so down.

I'm trying to move on.
And you come over dressed like that?
And get pist when I wanna take what little clothes you have on off?
Hmmmmmm sounds like you're toying with me. I'm not gonna tell you to go away, or anything like that.
I just wanted to talk to you face to face but you brought it'd be a good idea to hang a prize out in front of my face. That's fucked, honey.
You remember how we used to say how wrong it was to tease people? Not just sexually, but in every way there is.
You've become that, thank you. Yours just making it easier to let you go.

She doesn't want me anymore.
I have all the love in the world to give to her and she threw it back in my face.
She was more than just the girl I loved in High School.
She was the girl who was my universe from the first time we kissed.
Now I'm nothing more than a depressed ex-lover left behind to be forgotten.
She was a liar, she said she felt the same about me but wants nothing to do with me.
I feel like giving up on living.
It feels like more than just the love of my life is gone, it feels as tho a part of me has been ripped from my soul and the remainder has been left to rot away.
She needs to be gone from my life but I cant live without her.
So instead, I'll be gone from hers...

totally going through old bl journals instead of working on raver ethnography.

failfailfail

I was just talking to my gf on the way up to our place. I asked, "what do you think the people here think of us?" And she was like, "Why, because I'm brown?" And I was like, "Yeah." Then I started to talk about how there are some white guys who you can tell have black or hispanic girlfriends or whatever, but how I don't look like one of those guys.

Furthermore, those guys have a tendency to hate me in a really mean-spirited way. Probably because they know I put my tongue in the ass of all manner of girls. And I'm not going to sit back and act like I'm doing it as a secret, trying to keep it real like I'm too good to eat pussy. I will tell a bitch that she can't even go to work until she sits on my face, for real, before she takes a shower.

I'm all kinds of nasty. They already know that if their right hand isn't busy to start pointing that imaginary gun in my ass so I stay rock hard.

And you can still find a gangster watching French movies and saying "terrible" after it's over. You can still find a gangster pulling an espresso with raw sugar stuffed in the basket. But no matter how white I try to walk, no matter my tone, the caramel and chocolate girls know that it's okay. They don't have to be afraid.

And I can see those wheels turning: "no, he can't beat the pussy up. Not him. Let me teach him what the pussy is for and then we can start from there." Man, I'm so undercover.

Late afternoon here in Portland, Oregon.
Listening to SOMA FM. Music to slit your wrists by.
ATM, they are streaming some Cheese-Goth rubbish:
Koph Nia - Hymn to Lucifer (Premix).

I'm looking for the cheapest way to get to San fRancisco from PDX for the Winter break. Flights within my time frame are $50. But they leave at 8am. THat means I will have to get up at 5am run (a good 10 mile jog with my small back pack) to Pioneer square and catch the rail to the airport ($2.25).

Driving the 10 hour trip is a lot cheaper (about $80 in gas 1 way) than plane or train if you have more than 1 person in the car. When we go together, my gf and I usually travel between SFO and PDX that way. But sadly, my gf has decided to go down there a couple weeks early so I won't be able to ride with her. I don't drive.

A 1-way Amtrak train ticket is $147. I often take the train, but I'm not sure if I enjoy the trains any more. At any of the many stops, unlike airplanes where security has gone too far, there is no security and anybody can board and bring on anything. My girlfriend took the Amtrak Starlight line (SFO to PDX) a few months ago and witnessed a brawl (homeless people who got on in Oakland or Sacramento) on the train and a while later, somebody threatened to kill her. And somebody in the seat beside her spent half the night gossiping loudly on their cell phone. That ride was definitely not relaxing.

I've had a number of years of self-defense training so I just relax (Unless there is some loud-mouth sitting near me who is gossiping and will not shut their fscking mouth or somebody poops his pants) and don't worry about the brawls and death threats. But for a girl traveling alone, I can see how the experience can be terrifying. Those things I mentioned happened late at night and, from what my gf told me, the staff didn't seem to be around until things were already out of control. They must have been off duty or asleep. Eventually, they did what they could and called the police...
The police were waiting at the next stop. Dealing with everything (making arrests, taking statements, etc.) delayed the train for several hours.

I haven't seen any problems like that except for being subjected to loud stupid conversations at all hours. And one time there was the man who couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet in the back of the car. He too had boarded in Sacramento. He just stood up where he was, dropped his pants and pissed then shit diarrhea on the floor and on his seat. He got kicked off, but needless to say, that car had to be evacuated

As for taking a bus, I can only imagine the quality of the experience gets exponentially worse in this country.



I've finished work for the day. It's 5:24pm and I'm about to run home. It's a 10 mile run so I will be able to get in some cardio as my commute.

Wiki leaks didn't tell us anything we didn't know.

Is it wrong to tell the emperoir he has no clothes.

Anybody that is truly hurt, is a fool.

For about 2 years, ive searched through so many sites, forums, blogs, so on to hear people that just tell it like it is. Not many trying to scare ya into not doing something, but instead people saying dude, cut the shit, and just answer the ?...

I am not a hard user. Ive had my experiences,and havent moved up into the pharms yet so my addiction is verylow, but I do know it comes with growing that addiction to higher things. I guess thats where I have found myself... The medication is weak, but its for my own good. I am in alot of oain, and my one dr precribs me my meds every month, but its very low. However I do run out a couple days before they get filled, and have to figure out what to do because even though the meds are mild,I take enough that I get some crazy ass withdraws from not having it. It truthfully makes me feel like my bones are killing me. But my husband doesnt understand that expression. However, thats how I know I have an addiction, because im out of my meds, early.

Before I was on this medication, I was on harder stuff, and more of it. They finally took me off and put me on this after 6 months of being untreated while I withdrew. It was hell. My dr. simply didnt care. He Yanked them away after 4 years of being on perc and hydros. It was horrible!

Anyway, im just thankful I finally have somewhere I feel comfortable with posting a ?and feeling like the people will give me a straight answer, with also im sure advice which is fine.

Thanks Bluelight!

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
fo sho

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
yes

The last time you felt honestly broken?
currently

Are you craving something?
yes
stability,love

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
$$lots of money$$
for drugs,shopping,car,house

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
idk

What do you hear right now?
the keys on the keyboard tapping
the heater blowing

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
no

What’s on your mind right now?
my life dramas

Are you there for your friends?
not really,i often have so much negative shit going on that i become self centered.i dont mean to,i just get so caught up and stressed out..
if the tables were turned and it so happened that a friend was upset and i wasnt,then yes,i would do anything to help them.

Last person to see you cry?
nathan,of course.the asshole.

What do you do when you get nervous?
talk alot,not talk at all,laugh like an idiot,over analyze,act weird/stupid,say weird/stupid things.

Be honest, do you like people in general?
yes,at first
but then no, they usually let me down

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
i was 21

Does anyone completely understand you?
as far as i know,not even close.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
im gonna go with no.
theres a possibility of one
but im sure things wont work out.
they never do.

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
yes and haha,funny way to behave if that were truly the case...
happened several times actually.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
im not sure.

Do you tell your mom or dad everything?
no,i dont talk to them period.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
not really,only reason would be bc i smoke
and wouldnt want them thinking im gross
or tryn to getme to stop..

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
soon? how about right now.
and im sure as the day unfolds,yes more.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
yes

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
past

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
lately,0.

Are you easy to get along with?
im bipolar
so no,not at all
and yes,very easily....
depending on what mood im in i suppose.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
no,i actually like her alot
but i dont think i can really be around her anymore.

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
water

What size bed do you have?
i dont have a bed that i own.
the one i (rarely)sleep in is queen

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
before

Do you like the rain?
no,i hate it.its gloomy.makes mud and puddles
making my socks wet.i have curly hair and rain turns it into a puffball.fuck rain.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
i wish but probably not even close.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
yes

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
it depends on who these people are
what i have exposed about myself
if they could even begin to think they might"know" me..
to some im goodie goodie
to others,im hella bad news.


Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
lauren and jeremy

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
no clue,it must have been over 500 years ago when i went to the theater last.

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
yes

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
more than once.

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
no,im 25 years old.
ill have massive parties whenver the fuck i want,
if anyone would show up that is.

Do you regret a past relationship?
no,i actually dont.
i learned alot from my past relationships.

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
i cant choose between the two!
how bout a concert
then a crazy after party.

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
yes and it sucks.
i swear i am not doing it again.

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
no,i dont think so.im just not really mean.

Do you care too much about your appearance?
no.i dont want to be ugly,fat,and look like shit
but i certainly do not spend much time on
trying to be something im not;
perfect.
i do my 15 mins of makeup
throw on a pair of tight jeans
and a band shirt.some jewelery.
bam.good to go.


Are you a jealous person?
yes

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
no

Do you miss anyone?
yes

Last person who made you cry?
nathan,of course,the asshole.

Does your ex piss you off?
YEESS.

What are you doing tomorrow?
SSDD
unless i finally get physically removed from this place im evicted from,if that happens
i will be trying to find a place and moving all my shit out of this hellhole,and into another.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
not at all.

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
yes.

Have you ever been cheated on?
yes

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
haha good one. like when you love someone more than life,more than anything.you have their child and just wanted to be a family.when on your 4 year anniversary,he wakes you up all happy n cute"mornin baby,time to get up.go get ready so we can get going on this wonderful day we're going to have as a family"...so you get in the shower.you get out to realize that he has taken his personal items and walked out on you and the baby.he has flown to another state to live and work.he is sorry,says it had nothing to do with you.wants to work things out....fuck that.

Do you like cotton candy?
yes

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
tyler

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
fuck no.

Do you have siblings?
yes

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
nodded out or fallen asleep,either way,ya lol

How has the past week been for you?
really,really shitty.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
yes

What’s on your mind right now?
yay tylers back!

What were you doing at midnight last night?
fighting

What is your current mood?
suprised

Who was the first person you talked to today?
nathan,lauren

Will this week be a good one?
one can hope...

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
not for real,no.

Who were you with last night?
no one

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
i didnt sleep last night

Next time you will kiss someone?
no clue.

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
boy,of course.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
no,every day is the damn same.

i got this call at 3 in the morning from someone i knew in na. i found out today that their using and i wish i had answered, maybe i could have helped them...
of course i have been to ....my old na meeting area in a long time and i'm going to be there tonight so my mind goes to i wanna go to a meeting. and i can't cause i promised someone i'd be at their grad party and won't that on be a test. i really haven't gone anywhere with my friends that has a bar since i was drinking still.
not overly worried but it's gonna be different.

now, hard. Tried some Benzo Fury for first time RC experience. Not what I wanted but good anyway. Me and an old mate hooked up and did the usual drug-fuelled, inspired (at least we thought so!) all night conversation thing. Price wise it was same as street drugs so could have just got some speed for similar buzz. But we've both been there and experimenting with new stuff is part of the fun, eh?

None of that egomad listen to me me me stuff either but more engaged with a lively mind, leaping between ideas coherently. A bit nootropic perhaps? Certainly had more energy and some mild rushes. Could be good to have a boogie on but we were on a mellower vibe dranking ale in the pub like real mean do, grrr. Then back to his for more booze and laughs. I had a good night, best for ages, one of those spontaneous ones that are always better than making plans.

Oh, and I received a phone call today offering me a job. I was quite surprised as previously been told I was unsuccessful blah. But thank God for drop outs! Actually manage to stay normal throughout phone call, which I was impressed with. I have problems talking on the phone at the best of times. Just don't like phone conversations, dunno why.

Where am I?

Oh yeah coming down. Was just the physical tiredness, nice and clean for ages, none of the emotional darkness I can slip into but I can feel a vague outline of the abyss up ahead now. Which is pretty good going for not having slept at all yet. And having stared into the abyss on many occasions previously, I know what it feels like. I least I can steer out its way, I think.

I don't think I'll have any sleep for a while yet either as I'm in the gritty zone where images just flash behind my eyelids, keeping me awake as though by design.

Does anyone have times where they do do little thought discipline tests? Maybe it's just me. You create a simple thought that you should be able to control, but are unable to?

Sometimes I imagine closing a door in my mind and it just keeps springing open, refusing to obey my commands. It's bizarre. They're my thoughts and I should be able to control simple things like whether a door is open or closed.

The images keeping me awake behind my closed eyelids are out of control in a similar way. They're not bad images, just random kaleidoscopic colours and stuff. Sometimes I can make them do what I want, like they're dancing to a tune. Usually they just want to dance alone with me as spectator to my own mind. Not in an out-of-body, ketamine type way. Not that powerful.

I think it may have something to do with spending my entire day coming down in front of a computer and rambling constant nonsense all over various internet sites. I'm sure I entertained a few people though! Happy times with a dark lining, not too comfortable - it's how I seem to ride.

The Beta Band has started on my playlist. This is good. I can space out to them now and let you all be. I'm at the point now where I've been up too long to get any sleep, if that makes any sense. The emotional dark cloud that always comes in any comedown puts me off the idea, sitting there alone with my thoughts and no distractions. Think I'll just stay here for a while longer. Damn, I'm making myself feel lonely now but really I'm not. Must keep rambling and running from the fear. Yeah, that'll work.

I have to get this off my chest here so I don't foul up any more threads with the increasingly incoherent thoughts I'm experiencing. Wanton weirdness is coming now. I know it. No over analysing at all which is something for me. Let's just say I've done that enough in the past I don't care to fall into it again. My biggest life accomplishment recently actually, stopping the over analysing. That was such a killer. You can't dig yourself out by analysis. I tried. Just have to stop and forget what you said to people.

Benzo Fury - worth a go but nothing you can't get from your local man, (and probably more easily). Benzo is legal though, which has to be a plus.