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Well I looked at the inspection sticker on my car and I thought, uh oh, I let that run out. i will go today and get in re-inspected.

But before I went I wanted to make sure I had all my Necessary docs. I went to the glove compartment and brought out my registration. That too was out of date. Then checked my Insurance card. Just happens that I haven't had insurance since August of this year.

So I called Ins. company. They said I failed to make payments. they need 365.0 to bring that back up to date and since it's past 30 days, will have to write up a whole new policy.

The policy went from 1699 to guess what 5,214 dollars. She then told me to look elsewhere, so I am well and truly fucked.


So can't pay mortgage, can't pay for car insurance, 40,000 in debt. I am pretty much dead and buried financially. My career work history is littered with gaps and jobs where I have little credibility and little chance of references.

And this my friends is where it can all lead to. How did it happen........ gradually and then all of a sudden. Tomorrow will be 1 year from the day I self admitted to the hospital.
It's been a tough year and I am not sure where I will be in a few months physically or financially. But all going to plan I will be here. I will be here clean. I will be here posting. I will be here surviving and growing stronger.
I have no idea how I am going to make this happen. But I will do it. And now things are beginning to make sense. Regardless of my age, I have been a little lost boy who has had very little experience of the real world. I have been hidden in the world of cash tips and never worrying about a bill. It came in and I paid. I went to work, I drank and I made money. But as the years went on I got into a business I knew nothing about with someone I knew very little about. I lost the business I and I was using cocaine more regularly. My pride and self esteem were damaged. I cared so much about how other people saw me. I didn't believe I deserved to be living in the neighborhood I was living in. I had been a really lousy husband to my wife and the shame guilt and remorse overwhelmed me. Bitterness resentment along with self medicating a mental illness kept me from ever getting better. Despite periods of sobriety, despite trying to fall under somebody's wing in AA. To do the steps, to do a fourth step, to be rigorously honest all that was asked of me, I couldn't get better.

I saw little improvement, however as this year has gone on I have stayed clean, I have become a soccer coach, but I have got deeper and deeper into debt. So Despite the fact that life is very difficult right now, maybe I have been doing enough work by myself, on myself, to be able to get a better picture of who I am, what it is that is wrong with me, or at least what needs to be taken care of in a healthier way.

My next step is therapy. I am going to find my own therapist and I am going to get the bottom of me. Money how am I going to afford a therapist. Well I don't know right now. It might not happen for a while, but that is where I am taking myself to. Medication is a must for me. I can feel myself cycling and yet I would tell myself it was nonsense. Hence such inconsistency in my life. On a binge back on the wagon, then back on the drink/drugs. Then never again. Constantly yearning to get it together, get it right.

Feed a man a fish and he will live for a day, teach him how to fish and He will live for a lifetime. Now I can say it is time to start a new living process, of not just getting any job to get money back in my pocket. No it is now that I must prepare for a long steady consistent road. A plan, a future, a plan for my son. A plan to pay bills, know when they are supposed to be paid, spend time looking for better deals better alternatives. Find motivation, not live day to day, week to week. To know where I will be in a month. To be able to plan ahead with conviction. To be able to make my own decisions.... say no to people who I respect even though they may not like it. Honor myself. Believe in myself, believe that if I can write this I can stay sober. I can apply myself to a task. I can complete a task. I can be successful. I can rise again. And when I do I will be stronger for my son. I will be stronger for my wife, if she still wants to be around me. I can and I will come out of this dark dark place and I will see the sun and I will see my sun.


Now to work out how to get from A to B without a car. Brrrr, it;s getting cold out there, not the best time to be without a car, ah well, such is life right now ;- )

This Monday, I got some RIMM. Tuesday, some analyst firm upgraded it. Today, it's up about 6% from Monday. If I didn't really believe in Blackberry products, I might be tempted to sell it now instead of sticking around long term.

aint here yet, but winters comin. and a flood of rememories to get the words flowin. dont mean nothin, these are just pieces. just somethin to get you started, just a quick sketch, subconscious mess. I aint tryna say nothin--just stretchin my mind, time to start paintin pictures again. Mental exercizes, paper and pen. Its only a start, a lil bit of nothin...just takin down the thoughts so maybe later theyll be somethin. catchin the stream as it comes, just some seeds, tiny pieces, patchwork scenes. just a sensation, just a fleeting something, just a passing, blurry image to bring the feeling back alive. just another snapshot from the archives:

...............................


gimme that raw, blood and bone...crystalline world where im all alone...gray skies, chilly white, concrete pale, one foot in front of the other. Winter in the gutter. clouds of steam, dboys breath, shadow-black, outlined in silhouette. in winter the grind takes a darker turn-grim reaper faces, eyes harder at the corners, watchin you burn. rush to warmth. chill creeps thru, weak in your knees. everything coated with a film of freeze...icey slush splashes, full of rubber bands empty stamps & cigarette ashes....
december - time to hustle harder for less scraps. everybody feelin the cold at their back. stay stalkin the block-head sweat under hoodies and hats, damp inside your wrapped up jackets. shiver, shake, rattle & roll, bone-froze fingers , but inside all calm, bundle warmin your palms...ice water in the set--melted snow and in it goes...freezing cold prick of the needle, liquid nitrogen, operating rooms, sterile (ha ha, never) --self anasthesia. Into a thick wooly sleep, medicated dream.

cheap opiates for all addicts which they can afford so they wont need to commit crime. the user will stabalize on a certain amount of the opiate after a while. ive noticed most people use roughly the same daily, especially if they have enough money to fund a habit. imo approx a gram of h3 a day would be enough for most, some more.

many problem drinkers may change to using opiates as their drug of choice and violence and domestic violence will decrease.

familys could get back together. less likely for kids to grow up with family problems.

anyway, just an idea i was thinking about just while smoking a spliff watching some police programme about all the trouble in towns on weekends. fuck it legalise everything.

I have been feeling balanced in a positive, consistent manner lately. I attribute it to busting my ass at work and exercising.

Yesterday, I decided to not do my standard exercise routine and I had the day off. Yesterday was also a day that started off well but then my perspective and balance was thrown off keel.

I was feeling melancholy, intolerant, judgmental and generally 'off'.

Typically when I get like that its because I am either doing something that goes against my general spirit or I am NOT doing something that I SHOULD be doing (being irresponsible). Knowing this, I decided to grab my laptop, head to the coffee shop and write on my First Step (again). I figured that applying positive effort would help bring some proper focus and perspective.

It did for a short time.

I believe that I NEED to exercise every day, no matter what. Its what I have been doing consistently during the 'balanced' few weeks and I don't think its coincidental that the one day I take a break is the one day I feel 'off'

Exercise is an excellent remedy for depression and, for me, it has a psychological effect. It symbolizes action in effecting change and self-improvement. I am noticing results and, if I may say so myself, I look pretty damn good for a 40 year old, recently clean IV drug user.

Lesson learned. Every morning, get it the fuck out of the way so that I can feel that I at least accomplished something.

As an aside I love the Mighty Boosh, one of the best british comedies honestly.
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Things are still rollin' like fucking awesome. I received my unemployement thingy info which is cool, hopefully I have my first check by the beginning of january.

As of right now, folks I am amazing... I am clean, happy, and feel like I am going somewhere... even if it is just around the country like a homeless person.

For a long time I did the semi-"normal and ordinary" thing, and look what i got- credit card debit, a failed 7 year relationship, and now I am a temp-college drop out... Sooooo I am gonna do things my way now, because at least if I screw it up again I might not be so depressed.. lols

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P and I still working our asses off to make that 20 bucks a day, folks is gonna laugh because I, for all intensive purposes am a scrappy-scrapper.. But let me say I make it look damn sexy. My D&G sunglasses (Hata' Blocka's), Skinny jeans, wifebeater, and yoga shoes... My mom laughed her ass off when she actually saw dirt on my face and neck from ripping apart patio furniture.

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So P tells me that he has had a huge crush on my since High School, but that he was too much into drugs and I always had a boyfriend... we never touched base. So he sweeps me off my feet the other day, and I say neat, lets meet and be something. Its cool, we get along ridiculously well--- all butterflies and shit, plus hes goddamn sexy and upbeat... sweet.

P gave me permission to share this...


(mine, yesh, omg)

pretending to sleep.. har har it was cute, specially that he drank too much and I had to make sure he was on his side all night. yeah but thats a whole other story...

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OverDone and Spork, lets make it happen-- It would be fricken awesome to chill with you folks.
Can ya'll PM me your digits so we can eventually arrange shit?

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So how are you Bloolite? I bet ya'll weirded out by my uber happy attitude, trust you me I am beside myself too.

Here's me yesterday



Its surprising, I seem to get prettier each day I am happier. Plus I've lost 15 lbs, so thats a plus...

anyways, ttysoon bloo.

For a long time I totally forgot about my Bluelight profile. I finally logged in today, and reread some of the blog entries I posted here in November and December 2009. Going back to that desolate place in my heart and soul still makes a shiver run down my spine. I knew I was in it deep, but I was clueless about what it would take to dig myself out. I found out the hard way, of course. That's how I learned everything.

Anyway, nowadays I'm living back in New Jersey with my family. They know about my addiction and are incredibly supportive of me. I'm no longer with my ex-boyfriend, the person who introduced me to dope in the first place. I went through detox and rehab in September and October 2010 and now see an addiction psychiatrist a couple times a week. I'm on Suboxone maintenance, which I will eventually come off of once my doctor and I feel I'm ready. I've reestablished contact with all my old friends again, who are also aware of my issues, and see them often. I still make it out to NYC every so often to visit people or go to parties. I take pictures and write in a journal regularly again. I am planning on going back to school to study nursing in 2011.

The moral of this story is that healing is possible. To say that heroin destroyed my life as I knew it is a vast understatement... but I didn't let it destroy me. The support and encouragement I received from my family was immensely helpful in the beginning of my recovery, because they were able to push me when I didn't have the energy or motivation to push myself. However, what ultimately determines whether you sink or swim is you. Some part of me will always be in love with heroin, but heroin will always be a sinking ship. It is never worth the temporary escape. As I let go of my addiction, I recovered pieces of myself that I thought were lost forever. There is always hope, no matter how far gone you are. As long as you are truly ready for change, it will come.

I looked at exercise as almost something that had to be done. Now I look at it as something to look forward to. A reward. I firmly believe that we are capable of way more than we give ourselves credit for. It is channeling the thoughts and catching ourselves when we are convincing ourselves that xyz is just too much bother.

I am at the moment working on channelling the thought process. It is hard. It is like physical training. the first few weeks are so tough. You think there will be no improvement. It isn't instant. It takes too much effort. But little by little the body gets stronger, the body tighter ,sharper, and you can see yourself running longer distances, lifting more etc. etc. and I am now applying that to the mind. It is even harder as I have never ever tried to train or exercise the mind. But I am already beginning to see signs that I can get stronger in that department. This post is one of the signs.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here:
Such delusions might be seen as an attempt to resolve a cognitive dissonance between hard evidence... (and it goes on).

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there?
The fleece blanket on the other end of my couch.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
I don't watch TV. Um the last thing that I saw was a bit of A Hard Day's Night at my parents' place before I asked them to turn it off.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
9:00 ish

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 9:06. Not bad.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The neighbour closing his door.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
About an hour ago, when I went to go pick up a pizza.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Another survey . Before that? More Bluelight.

9. What are you wearing?
An old black tshirt and my 'comfy shorts': a huge old pair of semi-ratty poly/hemp blend Lululemon shorts.

10. Did you dream last night?
I do every night, but I rarely remember them.

11. When did you last laugh?
At yoga.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Blue paint mostly. A somewhat old Chinese watercolour painting on a far wall.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Nothing that comes to mind, but I have a pretty high tolerance level for the somewhat bizarre.

14. What do you think of FacebookCraze.com?
Never heard of it, and have no real desire to hear of it.

15. What is the last film you saw?
Burn After Reading. I had to watch it a few times before I actually made it all the way through.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Half would be invested, my siblings and I would no longer have mortgages, my cousins would have solid portions removed from theirs, my parents would have a trip to wherever in the world they wanted to go. Oh, and I'd donate a mil to the stuttering treatment and research institute that helped me when I was young.

Whatever was left would probably go to buying another place here, a place in Montreal, and possibly another in TO. I'd pick one to live in, and after taking a trip to see more of the world I'd go back to school to get my PhD.

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know
I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I may never have a proper romantic relationship, and that bothers me a lot less than I thought it would.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
People could not be isolated from the consequences of their actions.

19. Do you like to dance?
I love to, but rarely get the opportunity to do so, outside of my own living room or occasionally when I'm by myself in the lab.

20. What do you think of the president?
He's not my president, so my opinion doesn't really carry a lot of weight, but it seems like the presidency is becoming more and more of a figurehead position with every passing election.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
If the decision was mine alone? Nienor or Yavanna. +1 to whomever gets the reference.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
That one's tougher. If it was entirely up to me? I honestly don't know.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
I'd very much like to at some point.

24. What do you want to say to God when you die?
Well, as an atheist I'd probably say something like "Well, who knew? "

Pills ...the feeling of milligrams running through your body entering through your nose like a line of coke just for a couple hours of forgivness and forget just to get your mind off those things everyone knows bothers you. Then once it wears off the pain is so un barable the only choice to survive is to work your way closer to death with opiates or sataives. each day trying to stop with lines but then the lines of words from notes you had wrote me about love send me right back to crushing a pill just for a smile. Syntheic happiness is just like anything else snythetic....not the real thing and never as good as the real thing. Just a cover up to make it look real. So the inside is what still hurts .From one minute the times and memories with you still being there to the next with nothing but empty space. she thinks i cheated but i didnt i did other things so i didnt cheat and to try to make both of us happy and the only thing that could do that was 6mg of xanax and a green monster everyday for a month or maybe more. Thinking addiction cant happen......but it did and now im stuck and at the edge of death vally looking down over the ledge knowing that with every line i get closer to the edge yet everyday with out pills i get closer to relapse and seizurs. started taking pills just for
us to be happy then you figureout your entering a room with no exit and then to find that the world around you isnt the same. That the decisions you made were wrong. That the decisions youve made are just destroying you as bad as the lossing of a loved one did. The synthetic happiness becomes synthetic living which can be considered sythetic death. Sythetic death since you feel like you might as well be laying in the back of a black hurst with loved one gathering around talking about you but mostly bad about you.ad the girls you loved most never even thinks to show or sheds a tear when she hears because of all this shit you put her through you dont matter to her any more your just and grave stone in a field with other. Pills like ambien give you vivid dreams... dreams that let you know where your going with obvious signs but you never pay attention till the next trip.... All the things ive done in my life suddenly come to me that i have it better then most i atleast have a roof over my head and a bed the only thing missing is the biggest part and shes far gone now. All gone because of me and my problems and my way of living all i can do is watch her go and really be happy while im stuck in a world of only synthetic happiness because of my decisions i made. anymore i lay in my bed or sit in my chair with a pen cut in half and a line of slow death infront of me. im addicted not only to opiates and benzos im addicted to sythetic happiness.
im a fuck up and i know i can turn it around somehow but i dont want people knowing i want to handle my mess by my self all i need is some good friends for support but thats hard to find now because of my mistakes:''(

Pills ...the feeling of milligrams running through your body entering through your nose like a line of coke just for a couple hours of forgivness and forget just to get your mind off those things everyone knows bothers you. Then once it wears off the pain is so un barable the only choice to survive is to work your way closer to death with opiates or sataives. each day trying to stop with lines but then the lines of words from notes you had wrote me about love send me right back to crushing a pill just for a smile. Syntheic happiness is just like anything else snythetic....not the real thing and never as good as the real thing. Just a cover up to make it look real. So the inside is what still hurts .From one minute the times and memories with you still being there to the next with nothing but empty space. she thinks i cheated but i didnt i did other things so i didnt cheat and to try to make both of us happy and the only thing that could do that was 6mg of xanax and a green monster everyday for a month or maybe more. Thinking addiction cant happen......but it did and now im stuck and at the edge of death vally looking down over the ledge knowing that with every line i get closer to the edge yet everyday with out pills i get closer to relapse and seizurs. started taking pills just for
us to be happy then you figureout your entering a room with no exit and then to find that the world around you isnt the same. That the decisions you made were wrong. That the decisions youve made are just destroying you as bad as the lossing of a loved one did. The synthetic happiness becomes synthetic living which can be considered sythetic death. Sythetic death since you feel like you might as well be laying in the back of a black hurst with loved one gathering around talking about you but mostly bad about you.ad the girls you loved most never even thinks to show or sheds a tear when she hears because of all this shit you put her through you dont matter to her any more your just and grave stone in a field with other. Pills like ambien give you vivid dreams... dreams that let you know where your going with obvious signs but you never pay attention till the next trip.... All the things ive done in my life suddenly come to me that i have it better then most i atleast have a roof over my head and a bed the only thing missing is the biggest part and shes far gone now. All gone because of me and my problems and my way of living all i can do is watch her go and really be happy while im stuck in a world of only synthetic happiness because of my decisions i made. anymore i lay in my bed or sit in my chair with a pen cut in half and a line of slow death infront of me. im addicted not only to opiates and benzos im addicted to sythetic happiness.
im a fuck up and i know i can turn it around somehow but i dont want people knowing i want to handle my mess by my self all i need is some good friends for support but thats hard to find now because of my mistakes:''(

Ive been thinking about the future, and for most that is a rather a normal thing to do or so Ive been told. What a depressing thing to do I was only supposed to live only for the moment right, no thought about what effect only that an effect was attained. Never giving thought to how we would deal with consequences the "aftermath" that had become my life I would call it more like a nuclear meltdown. In restrospect this cataclyism was easy to see but at the time it was blindsiding.

Know im sitting hear after a mediocre acedemic semester about to go back home and try to get some direction I cant stand being this unhappy. Its been such a shitty crazy sememster.Home is fucking warzone between me and my parents over drugs itll take a goddamn miracle if I make it back to school without them refusing to pay for it.

I have pretty much fallen out with all my friends over stupid shit well. I think its stupid I mean I would never stop being friends with someone over thier drug use. Its not like im ever falling all over myself or ODing around them. I do know who my true friends are though.

It has gotten to the point where drugs have negativly impacted my life but have not totally destroyed it yet I know I should stop but I honestly would rather be high then sober if that makes me a bad human being then well shit.



BTW blogs times you out way too fast I almost lost that when I went to post>

I can't help, but wondering out loud.

Did I ever find myself? Was all that looking worth anything. I still see myself the same. I might be missing something. Perhaps I never knew the question.

I'll take my judgement. Let the sky be my witness. I'm not sleepy, and there is no place I'm going to.

Iv chewed plenty of concerta 54mg it wasnt worth it to snort so i have a pretty high tolererance and i just got prescribed to daytrana and iv tried chewing it but one patch just dosent do it so I was wondering if any of you have tried daytrana and if so how much does it take you to get high and how do you do it?

Maybe im out of line here, but I really would like advice on getting mdpv!! Online preferably from someone who can be trusted!!

So I'm pretty bored right now... I noticed that there is a blog feature on here. Now I'm usually the type to categorize blogs as lame or otherwise self-glorifying. But I've got a funny story to tell, so put on your top hats kids, 'cause we're going to the circus.

The day was thursday, a day like any other I thought. I was due in Milford District Court on an internal possession of alcohol charge I had acquired a couple weeks previous. I hopped out of bed, threw on my khakis and googled how to tie a tie. After about 15-20 minutes of struggling with the tie, I was finally ready to go. I hop in the car roll the windows down, and make my way to my destination.

I'm a big coffee drinker, and by that I mean I drink very strong coffee. About 8 scoops for 2.5 cups of water. Anyway, I didn't have time to brew my coffee at the house, as I had wasted valuable time fumbling with my tie. I figured I would just stop by Dunkin' Donuts on the way, and grab something.

I get to dunks, and I enter the drive-through. I order a large coffee, and I think what the hell, I'll get a shot of espresso in it. I can handle it, and I need the extra boost to deal with the fucking harpys at the courthouse. I pull around to grab my coffee, I notice there's a goth-chick that I used to go to school with working the window. We weren't really friends, but we weren't enemies either. All the employees are inside, laughing it up, over what I'm not totally sure, but a good time is indeed being had by these java jockeys. The girl gives me my coffee with a subtle grin on her face, I take it pay her and leave. This coffee is very dark, darker than any coffee in America should ever be. I am in a hurry to get to court though, so my judgment doesn't factor in here. I taste it, very bitter. I think to myself, that girl didn't put milk or sugar in my coffee. What a bitch, that's what was so funny I though... wrong.

I'm no stranger to the court system of New Hampshire. Negligent Driving, Speeding, Disorderly Conduct, nothing major though. My familiarity with the courts however, doesn't cure my nervousness, as the judge doesn't like my face and usually ends up verbally castrating me in front of the entire court, but I digress...

I sip my coffee fast, I finish it in about two minutes. The taste was so bitter I felt like I needed a chaser. Again, I didn't think anything of it, my eyes were on the prize so to speak. About 15 minutes after downing the coffee, I arrive at the courthouse, looking ever so elegant in my shirt and tie. At this point I am beginning to shake uncontrollably, my mind is racing, weird thoughts are swirling around in my brain that have no business being there. Somebody had fucked with my coffee...

I enter the courthouse and get the shit out of my pockets to go through the metal detector. I am, even from a distance, visibly shaking. I am too geeked out to make eye contact for very long with anybody, including the cop working the detector. For some reason I had a lego piece in my pocket (I have a young sibling), which in tandem with the shakiness, drew a few "what the fuck" looks from the cops at the door. Now convinced that everyone in the waiting room thinks that I am insane, I take a seat and begin rhythmically tapping things for the 15 minutes before arraignments start. I am convinced that everyone is staring at me, and am in full-scale panic mode.

I enter the court and sit, waiting for my name to be called. I stand up and as I address the judge, I am sweating balls, and my voice is cracking as if I was still in the 7th grade. I plead not guilty of course and get the fuck out of there. I go home and lay down for 4-5 hours taking deep breaths and trying to remain calm. The slightest external stimuli cause my heart rate to spike and the perspiration to set in, so I try to keep it very zen. I watch the price is right in its entirety, remarking at how shitty a replacement Drew Carrey is for Bob Barker.

So my hypothesis at this point is that the punks at Dunkin Donuts filled a large coffee cup with espresso and minimal ice, and gave it to me as a joke. Or they might just be totally retarded. Either way it ruined my fucking day.

Although a clean day, I feel like it has been a wasted day. I know what people in recovery say, there is no such thing as a wasted day. Just a day where I have got to know myself a little better.

And maybe that is true. Maybe coming on to BL and talking and writing, I am becoming to know myself. Not to worry about what other people think of me. What other people might come up and say. Whether I should respond to them etc. This and I never looked at is this, This is recovery. Recovering from some seriouss traumatic issues that have plagued me all my life. Have been covered up all my life. I am financially in bad shape but I woudnt say rock bottom. See I am not homeless. I have been emotionallyl worse off, this time last year was a good example. So although i have put together a poor day accomplishment wise, and what I wanted to get done, I think I have a plan t do better this evening. See I am still in fear of taking care of myself, in front of others. I am afraid to be selfish in front of others. I am unwilling to take care of myself in case I hurt others. I care too much about what they might think of me for me to think of myself, and then I feel hard done by and then I am the victim and then I am angry and then I am off and running. This has go to change to see how I feel so I am going to go upstairs at an earlier time tonight and spend some time reading and writing and just giving myself some time.

Oshit

Man, I miss you and I'm worried. Where the fuck are you? Please be okay.

I come here and always check but whenever I see this I get scared:



Man, just pop in to let us know you are okay

I have been struggling really badly. I started a fight so I could go and use. I stormed off(my usual Mo) ...I don't even want to tell the story as It is the usual and I am so tired of it. I don't even know if this is helpong. I did not use and I think the only reason was because I didn't have enough money. I know though that I am a crack addict. I am addicted to crack. I always want to just think of myself as a good wholesome alcoholic, but know after the first hit I took in 96 i have wanted it ever since. On the 4th of December in a few days I will be one year clean. I have never wanted to use as badly as the last few days.

I don't know if I am cycling ,if I am bipolar, If I just want to use. If I am just so guilty of my behavior that I want to use so I can consider myself worthless. I came so close. I went upstairs after getting home from the city and thankfully I had printed off the internet, As a man thinketh. I read some of it and steelied my thinking.

I wanted to read it today but no, I go downstairs after dropping my son to school and go home and watch porn for two hours. However I also read about crack recovery. The only difference between now and a year and a half ago, is that when I got the urge I would go and use. I guess I had more money then. Now I am able to see the end of the binge in my mind more clearly. However I if had money this weekend I would have used, I am almost sure of that. My mind wants to lie to me all the time, To tell me that I cannot get past this. That my mind is now incapable of thinking healthy thoughts, Or practicing thinking healthy thoughts. It wants me to think that I am no good and I cannot get past this addiction or this way of thinking.

I mean I have a court date from my DUI arrest and I need to clear that up, because I have been complying with all that is required but my psychiatrist did not send in some paperwork. All it takes is a phonecall and here I am spending all this time writing on here and watching porn. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Please help, this is the pits. Oh here we go look for self pity, poor me , I can't do this without approval, without being pushed or told yes you can,you are a good boy. Fuck I need councelling , need help big time.

Haven't been able to give myself time to write here
I will try and post for a few days straight. See where it gets me. I hope everyone is well. To those that read my journal or post comments, thank you.
I don't reply personally because I am not able to. Why not? I don't know. I am strugling with consistency and have been all my life. Middle aged and have no idea what my prospects are(i think poor) are more importantly what my purpose is in life. Am I supposed to have a purpose in life? Oh sure being a good father etc is a good purpose, but to be a good Father, I dunno I am running out of thoughts....................Will come back and talk more later.

I've popped on here a few times the past few weeks, months. Deleted most my blogs. I haven't really felt like I belong anywhere.
I took away most of my friends, most of everything, everything but staying clean.
So I'll hit post, leave this pointless bit up for a few days than tear it down as well....

How can you be so weak
Why do you always follow
Once so strong and proud
And now so frail and hollow
Why can't you just stand up
Instead of sinking in this hole
You've surrendered all your strength
And you let it take your soul
Now just close your eyes and pray
And pretend a god will save you
You still try to justify
While your addiction slowly slays you
Illusions front as truth
As deceptions overtake
Your life becomes a lie
A joke
A fraud
A fake
When suddenly your love is gone
And hope has long been lost
You'll see your life, your pride, your trust
Is what your weakness cost
And still you grin your phony grin
While inside you rot and cry
But you know the bed you made is yours
And in it you must lie

The last few months, have been nothing but a drug haze. Until now, a friend from high school (one of the very few I made my senior year down here) by the sheer rein of serendipity found me. Allow me to describe him. P, is a mohawk bearing, cheap tattoo'd, upbeat, wanderlusting, x-con, sublime bumping, creative brotha that is seemingly the male version of me as far as personality. We's two peas in a pod; he's cleaned up and sexy, I am cleaned up and sexy... yea bitches. The world seems to just throw money at us when we need beer and smokesssss. Let alone the fact that he helped me lay to rest my love affair of heroine and keeps me on my toes with his three lovely little girls.

Now, I laugh, life is one big joke really. The preconceptions that we carry around are trivial trash that prevents us from overtime changing our minds. This is the first time in my adult life I can do whatever the fuck I want (within the law slightly anwways). HERE I AM LIFE, THIS TIME I'M CHASIN' YOU INSTEAD OF YOU RUNNING ME OVER. Fuckin' finally! Hallelujah. I have a year to defer my student loans, unemployment checks coming, and a friends amped and ready to hit the open road.

So here we go Bluelight friends and loves, anyone wanna share some couch space if I am in your state?

it's been a long time since i've posted here....like 2003/2004! wow...how life has CHANGED! but i always had such a good time on this forum...i thought i would get back onto the swing of things. i used to be one hell of a party girl...and these days....well, i can tell you....i'm takin it much slower. i've been to hell and back and am really just starting to find myself again. this board makes me nostalgic...i can almost see myself sitting at my old computer in my old living room....with my now seperated husband....typing my posts....takin some xanax (used to be a love of mine). my my how times have changed. the things i should've done differently....the regrets....there are many. the tears....they still come. i look at where i am, who i am now.....and i have mixed feelings. on the flip side...i have so many wonderful memories, so many happy times....anyways, this board seems to be the only place i can still be the "old" me. i am happy to be back