Blogs

So I'm pretty bored right now... I noticed that there is a blog feature on here. Now I'm usually the type to categorize blogs as lame or otherwise self-glorifying. But I've got a funny story to tell, so put on your top hats kids, 'cause we're going to the circus.

The day was thursday, a day like any other I thought. I was due in Milford District Court on an internal possession of alcohol charge I had acquired a couple weeks previous. I hopped out of bed, threw on my khakis and googled how to tie a tie. After about 15-20 minutes of struggling with the tie, I was finally ready to go. I hop in the car roll the windows down, and make my way to my destination.

I'm a big coffee drinker, and by that I mean I drink very strong coffee. About 8 scoops for 2.5 cups of water. Anyway, I didn't have time to brew my coffee at the house, as I had wasted valuable time fumbling with my tie. I figured I would just stop by Dunkin' Donuts on the way, and grab something.

I get to dunks, and I enter the drive-through. I order a large coffee, and I think what the hell, I'll get a shot of espresso in it. I can handle it, and I need the extra boost to deal with the fucking harpys at the courthouse. I pull around to grab my coffee, I notice there's a goth-chick that I used to go to school with working the window. We weren't really friends, but we weren't enemies either. All the employees are inside, laughing it up, over what I'm not totally sure, but a good time is indeed being had by these java jockeys. The girl gives me my coffee with a subtle grin on her face, I take it pay her and leave. This coffee is very dark, darker than any coffee in America should ever be. I am in a hurry to get to court though, so my judgment doesn't factor in here. I taste it, very bitter. I think to myself, that girl didn't put milk or sugar in my coffee. What a bitch, that's what was so funny I though... wrong.

I'm no stranger to the court system of New Hampshire. Negligent Driving, Speeding, Disorderly Conduct, nothing major though. My familiarity with the courts however, doesn't cure my nervousness, as the judge doesn't like my face and usually ends up verbally castrating me in front of the entire court, but I digress...

I sip my coffee fast, I finish it in about two minutes. The taste was so bitter I felt like I needed a chaser. Again, I didn't think anything of it, my eyes were on the prize so to speak. About 15 minutes after downing the coffee, I arrive at the courthouse, looking ever so elegant in my shirt and tie. At this point I am beginning to shake uncontrollably, my mind is racing, weird thoughts are swirling around in my brain that have no business being there. Somebody had fucked with my coffee...

I enter the courthouse and get the shit out of my pockets to go through the metal detector. I am, even from a distance, visibly shaking. I am too geeked out to make eye contact for very long with anybody, including the cop working the detector. For some reason I had a lego piece in my pocket (I have a young sibling), which in tandem with the shakiness, drew a few "what the fuck" looks from the cops at the door. Now convinced that everyone in the waiting room thinks that I am insane, I take a seat and begin rhythmically tapping things for the 15 minutes before arraignments start. I am convinced that everyone is staring at me, and am in full-scale panic mode.

I enter the court and sit, waiting for my name to be called. I stand up and as I address the judge, I am sweating balls, and my voice is cracking as if I was still in the 7th grade. I plead not guilty of course and get the fuck out of there. I go home and lay down for 4-5 hours taking deep breaths and trying to remain calm. The slightest external stimuli cause my heart rate to spike and the perspiration to set in, so I try to keep it very zen. I watch the price is right in its entirety, remarking at how shitty a replacement Drew Carrey is for Bob Barker.

So my hypothesis at this point is that the punks at Dunkin Donuts filled a large coffee cup with espresso and minimal ice, and gave it to me as a joke. Or they might just be totally retarded. Either way it ruined my fucking day.

Although a clean day, I feel like it has been a wasted day. I know what people in recovery say, there is no such thing as a wasted day. Just a day where I have got to know myself a little better.

And maybe that is true. Maybe coming on to BL and talking and writing, I am becoming to know myself. Not to worry about what other people think of me. What other people might come up and say. Whether I should respond to them etc. This and I never looked at is this, This is recovery. Recovering from some seriouss traumatic issues that have plagued me all my life. Have been covered up all my life. I am financially in bad shape but I woudnt say rock bottom. See I am not homeless. I have been emotionallyl worse off, this time last year was a good example. So although i have put together a poor day accomplishment wise, and what I wanted to get done, I think I have a plan t do better this evening. See I am still in fear of taking care of myself, in front of others. I am afraid to be selfish in front of others. I am unwilling to take care of myself in case I hurt others. I care too much about what they might think of me for me to think of myself, and then I feel hard done by and then I am the victim and then I am angry and then I am off and running. This has go to change to see how I feel so I am going to go upstairs at an earlier time tonight and spend some time reading and writing and just giving myself some time.

Oshit

Man, I miss you and I'm worried. Where the fuck are you? Please be okay.

I come here and always check but whenever I see this I get scared:



Man, just pop in to let us know you are okay

I have been struggling really badly. I started a fight so I could go and use. I stormed off(my usual Mo) ...I don't even want to tell the story as It is the usual and I am so tired of it. I don't even know if this is helpong. I did not use and I think the only reason was because I didn't have enough money. I know though that I am a crack addict. I am addicted to crack. I always want to just think of myself as a good wholesome alcoholic, but know after the first hit I took in 96 i have wanted it ever since. On the 4th of December in a few days I will be one year clean. I have never wanted to use as badly as the last few days.

I don't know if I am cycling ,if I am bipolar, If I just want to use. If I am just so guilty of my behavior that I want to use so I can consider myself worthless. I came so close. I went upstairs after getting home from the city and thankfully I had printed off the internet, As a man thinketh. I read some of it and steelied my thinking.

I wanted to read it today but no, I go downstairs after dropping my son to school and go home and watch porn for two hours. However I also read about crack recovery. The only difference between now and a year and a half ago, is that when I got the urge I would go and use. I guess I had more money then. Now I am able to see the end of the binge in my mind more clearly. However I if had money this weekend I would have used, I am almost sure of that. My mind wants to lie to me all the time, To tell me that I cannot get past this. That my mind is now incapable of thinking healthy thoughts, Or practicing thinking healthy thoughts. It wants me to think that I am no good and I cannot get past this addiction or this way of thinking.

I mean I have a court date from my DUI arrest and I need to clear that up, because I have been complying with all that is required but my psychiatrist did not send in some paperwork. All it takes is a phonecall and here I am spending all this time writing on here and watching porn. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Please help, this is the pits. Oh here we go look for self pity, poor me , I can't do this without approval, without being pushed or told yes you can,you are a good boy. Fuck I need councelling , need help big time.

Haven't been able to give myself time to write here
I will try and post for a few days straight. See where it gets me. I hope everyone is well. To those that read my journal or post comments, thank you.
I don't reply personally because I am not able to. Why not? I don't know. I am strugling with consistency and have been all my life. Middle aged and have no idea what my prospects are(i think poor) are more importantly what my purpose is in life. Am I supposed to have a purpose in life? Oh sure being a good father etc is a good purpose, but to be a good Father, I dunno I am running out of thoughts....................Will come back and talk more later.

I've popped on here a few times the past few weeks, months. Deleted most my blogs. I haven't really felt like I belong anywhere.
I took away most of my friends, most of everything, everything but staying clean.
So I'll hit post, leave this pointless bit up for a few days than tear it down as well....

How can you be so weak
Why do you always follow
Once so strong and proud
And now so frail and hollow
Why can't you just stand up
Instead of sinking in this hole
You've surrendered all your strength
And you let it take your soul
Now just close your eyes and pray
And pretend a god will save you
You still try to justify
While your addiction slowly slays you
Illusions front as truth
As deceptions overtake
Your life becomes a lie
A joke
A fraud
A fake
When suddenly your love is gone
And hope has long been lost
You'll see your life, your pride, your trust
Is what your weakness cost
And still you grin your phony grin
While inside you rot and cry
But you know the bed you made is yours
And in it you must lie

The last few months, have been nothing but a drug haze. Until now, a friend from high school (one of the very few I made my senior year down here) by the sheer rein of serendipity found me. Allow me to describe him. P, is a mohawk bearing, cheap tattoo'd, upbeat, wanderlusting, x-con, sublime bumping, creative brotha that is seemingly the male version of me as far as personality. We's two peas in a pod; he's cleaned up and sexy, I am cleaned up and sexy... yea bitches. The world seems to just throw money at us when we need beer and smokesssss. Let alone the fact that he helped me lay to rest my love affair of heroine and keeps me on my toes with his three lovely little girls.

Now, I laugh, life is one big joke really. The preconceptions that we carry around are trivial trash that prevents us from overtime changing our minds. This is the first time in my adult life I can do whatever the fuck I want (within the law slightly anwways). HERE I AM LIFE, THIS TIME I'M CHASIN' YOU INSTEAD OF YOU RUNNING ME OVER. Fuckin' finally! Hallelujah. I have a year to defer my student loans, unemployment checks coming, and a friends amped and ready to hit the open road.

So here we go Bluelight friends and loves, anyone wanna share some couch space if I am in your state?

it's been a long time since i've posted here....like 2003/2004! wow...how life has CHANGED! but i always had such a good time on this forum...i thought i would get back onto the swing of things. i used to be one hell of a party girl...and these days....well, i can tell you....i'm takin it much slower. i've been to hell and back and am really just starting to find myself again. this board makes me nostalgic...i can almost see myself sitting at my old computer in my old living room....with my now seperated husband....typing my posts....takin some xanax (used to be a love of mine). my my how times have changed. the things i should've done differently....the regrets....there are many. the tears....they still come. i look at where i am, who i am now.....and i have mixed feelings. on the flip side...i have so many wonderful memories, so many happy times....anyways, this board seems to be the only place i can still be the "old" me. i am happy to be back

Of course I'll preface this buy saying it's purelly for the knowledge and entertainment of the various responses I hope to receive.

I keep reading a 3 yr. old can find the recipe, in 10 mins. on tyhe net and have a batch finished with the 50 mins. left in a single hour

I'm high on coke right now. Been drinking pabst along with snorting lines. No more than a graham of decent coke.

Is it safe for me to take xanax after the coke is gone? What about during snorting the coke?

I have Xanax bars of four squares.. I don't know how much this is and how much is too much with my current state of mind.

Any advice?

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here:

Line 4 breaks two sentences but line 4 reads:
" '.....living plant, must be driven out.' If we are not successful in stripping our foods of"

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there?
The couch.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
48Hrs. Mystery

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
6:48 pm

Whoa! I'm good!! Cause I of course had to look after wards and it is 6:32pm!

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? hahaha 6:32

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The heater.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? A few hours ago to go burn shit in the snow and take pictures around my yard.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
The Tv?

9. What are you wearing?
Grey PJ pants and an dark teal long sleeved shirt and grey short sleeved shirt

10. Did you dream last night?
I'm sure

11. When did you last laugh?
???Sometime today.....oh yeah, like an hour ago.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?ho
A picture of waves crashing on rocks drawn and signed by the guy who drew it and sold it to my husbands grandfather in Nova Scotia- A number of pictures of my ancestors, my GGGrandfather's Passport from Italy, a couple Iron candle holders and a black shelf with 2 old photos, a couple antique bottles and a blue hanger that belonged to my grandmother, with a little face painted on it.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Sure.

14. What do you think of FacebookCraze.com?
Didn't look much, just copied two surveys and pasted.

15. What is the last film you saw?
If..... Which I really only half watched.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Hmmmm.........Recently I have been craving travel- So a ticket around the world. Then maybe a Business, house, boat and RV. My family houses and stuff

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know
I like rocks.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
People. I would make people be more open minded and not so hateful. I don;t want everyone to think a alike, I just don't want so much hate.

19. Do you like to dance?
No but I've been feeling the need lately. :D

20. What do you think of the president?
I like him. (Obama)

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Saoirse. Which I have been thinking about having tatooed on me even if I don't have a child, or name her Saoirse. It means Freedom in Gaelic.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? If I had my way- Atlas. But my husband likes Kelley, so we settled on Kellan. (Yes, we have names chosen)

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
If I could, yes.
Not that Canada is "abroad" but I'd love to live in British Columbia, which is supposed to be similar to where I am.

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
You're REAL?!!?!?!?!?
Why did you create such a fiasco with Christianity?!
Why didn't you make your followers follow your good book more?!?! Man, do you regret what your religion turned into? Where are the a holes that altered your word? Why did allow others to abuse so many people and use violence to spread your religion?!?
I have too many things Id ask and say.

Check out my pillreport at pillreports.com about Purple Telephone Pokeballs, ask me question an anything about them, there great pills highley recomended.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here:
page 18 is blank lol

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there?
bookcase

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
futurama

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
12:20

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 12:29

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
fridge

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? i was out about an hour ago. walking home from the bus stop

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
another survey

9. What are you wearing?
long-sleeved shirt and sweatpants

10. Did you dream last night?
yeah, but can't remember what it was about now

11. When did you last laugh?
on the bus

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? calendar, photos, art

13. Seen anything weird lately?
yes, it's game day in madison

14. What do you think of FacebookCraze.com?
never heard of it

15. What is the last film you saw?
disconnected, a documentary on a few kids that go without using computers for a few weeks

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
pay off my debt and my parents' debt and buy a house and a car.

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know
my cousin is married to a pro golfer.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
peace

19. Do you like to dance?
when no one's looking

20. What do you think of the president?
a heckuvalot better than the last one!

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Greta. Short for Margaret, my mama's name.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Max

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
i'd loooooove to!

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
"so you DO exist!"

a lot of my answers allude to this stupid situation i am in. just a fair warning to anyone who reads

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
sure

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
is there much to deny/not confess if i am caught?

The last time you felt honestly broken? this morning. its been a really odd trip

Are you craving something? yes

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? sleep

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
none

What do you hear right now?
moby and the drone of an airplane

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
no. see?

What’s on your mind right now?
friend drama

Are you there for your friends?
i try to be

Last person to see you cry?
whoever was around me in the airport this morning

What do you do when you get nervous?
drink to try to calm down. and do other things to distract myself, like take a super hot shower

Be honest, do you like people in general?
the ones who are my friends. otherwise not so much

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? 30s

Does anyone completely understand you?
the friend i am not talking to comes closest. but he also does not understand that i am not entirely logical in my actions

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
the free upgrade to first class made my morning a bit better.

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
yes.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
i dunno. i would prolly just create other messes by trying to prevent the current messes

Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
helllllll no

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
no, but i won't kiss him after and i do not like the bed to smell like smoke

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
i think so, i have created a bit of a complicated situation. people are going to get hurt

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
yuppers

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
right now, the present. and why i am going back to ohio and what i left behind

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
i lay in bed for aroun 7.5, sleep for maybe 4-5 of that

Are you easy to get along with?
ha, no. unless i don't know and then i will pretend to be agreeable

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation no, she is cool. her and her boyfriend came over for thanksgiving

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
screwdriver

What size bed do you have?
queen.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
before so its nice and hot

Do you like the rain?
yes, i find it calming

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
maybe, i am sure the person sitting next to is wondering about my screwdriver consumption this morning.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
i have next to will power sometime

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
i am a bad influence

Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
friend who took me the airport

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
due date, it was not very good

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
yeah, but their partner was kissing my husband.

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
yeah. well i guess i knew it would happen but its still annoying

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
lol, i have done that many times a grown adult.... i was home for the holidays and a friend's parents were out of town and we decided to go to his place to chill as opposed to driving back to where we were staying. as we drove up to the house, there were cars lining the streets. turns out his little brother had a party which we ended up inadvertently crashing

Do you regret a past relationship?
i regret not being more clear about things

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
concert, depending on the band

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
yes

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
umm, maybe? i can be really mean when my defenses are up

Do you care too much about your appearance?
no, my husband and mom buy me clothes because i hate shopping and see nothing wrong with the stuff i currently own

Are you a jealous person?
no. altho there are really weird things which will make me jealous

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
gloves to match my sock monkey hat

Do you miss anyone?
yeah, lots of people

Last person who made you cry?
same person i keep alluding to. altho its more of a thing where i feel like i am one person in one place and another person in another place. and trying to come to terms with the fact that i choose the latter place for myself

Does your ex piss you off?
i don't have one actually.

What are you doing tomorrow?
sleeping. i have been to seattle, vancouver and new york within the last 10 days

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
hahaha, no

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
i like most visitors

Have you ever been cheated on?
don't think so.

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
does the current mess count?

Do you like cotton candy?
eww, no. and when it melts it makes a mess

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
friend who took me to the airport

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? seeing as how i am 28, no

Do you have siblings?
yes, a younger sister

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
yes, i have certain friends that make great pillows

How has the past week been for you?
extremely weird. lots of friend drama and lots of confusion and lots pretending

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
most of my friends are male

What’s on your mind right now?
still wondering about why i do what i do. i dislike ohio and want to move back to the west coast. i like visiting and seeing old friends. i don't like when stuff that used to be mine gets moved around or changed. and i don't like the weird divide between my two friends. i also wonder what keeps me returning to ohio even tho most everything in my head tells me to stay. which makes me wonder how much i actually care about certain people.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
playing guitar hero and doing a miserable job singing

What is your current mood? melancholy

Who was the first person you talked to today?
friend who took me to the airport

Will this week be a good one?
it will prolly be like the others. i will go to work and go about things as if there is nothing on my mind

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
lots and lots of little things

Who were you with last night?
friends celebrating thanksgiving

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
sorta? a friend told me i was being mean before i went to bed

Next time you will kiss someone?
prolly when i see my husband at the airport

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
which ever person wants the kiss

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
ohio st-michigan game and a holiday party.

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
i guess so

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
i wouldn't cheat

The last time you felt honestly broken?
a few hours ago at work

Are you craving something? chocolate

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? no debt

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
none

What do you hear right now?
kitty eating her food CRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCH

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
just one, otherwise it would be blocking the heating vent.

What’s on your mind right now?
stuff i need to do tonight

Are you there for your friends?
as much as i can be. i wish i could be more though.

Last person to see you cry?
stephen

What do you do when you get nervous?
take klonopin

Be honest, do you like people in general?
nope, they usually let me down

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? my grandpa was 32 when my dad was born and my dad was 32 when i was born so i think it'd be funny if i had a kid at 32, but that's only a couple years away...eeek!

Does anyone completely understand you?
a few come close, but no one completely understands me.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
a couple

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
yes.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
no, you would never really be living if you could just rewind everything all the time.

Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
i hardly tell them anything

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
i'd rather him not smoke at all, but he only has one occasionally so it's not a huge deal.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
i certainly hope not

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
yes

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
i still think a lot about the past, but i'm getting better at not dwelling on it.

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
between 6 and 10. depends on the night and what's going on.

Are you easy to get along with?
i'm not sure. i think so?

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? it was my mama, i love her! though i know i told her a couple times that i hated her when i was growing up lol

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
water

What size bed do you have?
full

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
before

Do you like the rain?
LOVE it

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
yep

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
i think every one has

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
depends who you ask. i think a lot of people would be shocked to learn some things about me.

Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
uem

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
alice in wonderland, with my parents

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
no comment

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
yep

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
i planned to a couple times but no one ever showed up, i guess that's a good thing looking back though haha

Do you regret a past relationship?
oh god yes

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
concert

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
yes

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
i hope not

Do you care too much about your appearance?
i don't look like i do, but yeah i do.

Are you a jealous person?
i can be sometimes

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
i bought some socks online, but haven't gotten them yet

Do you miss anyone?
always

Last person who made you cry?
my cat, i had to leave her and she looked so sad. she's people too

Does your ex piss you off?
i try not to think about my exes, but yeah.

What are you doing tomorrow?
working and homework

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
no

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
there's a bunch that i'd love to have visit

Have you ever been cheated on?
yes

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
yep

Do you like cotton candy?
when i'm in the right mood i sure do

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
stephen

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
didn't happen

Do you have siblings?
nope, only child.

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
yes, cuddle sleeps are the best

How has the past week been for you?
stressful, but i'm making progress.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
not anymore

What’s on your mind right now?
it's cold in here. i should turn the heat up

What were you doing at midnight last night?
eating dinner

What is your current mood? okay

Who was the first person you talked to today?
stephen

Will this week be a good one?
i hope so.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
yep

Who were you with last night?
uem

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
no

Next time you will kiss someone?
tonight or tomorrow

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
stupid rules..

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
work and homework

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here:

''...eighteen detectives and easily a dozen uniform. Then...''(Weird coincidence that '18' was the first word there!)

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there?
The Space before the wall(I really felt like a doughnut doing that lol).

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Well, It was a DVD. A Film about Ian Dury.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
2:30pm

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 2:45

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The Radio.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Last night, to bring in Coal for the Fire.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
The Sky outside the Window.

9. What are you wearing?
Ewwww! Dirty Survey!!

10. Did you dream last night?
Yes, but can t remember it

11. When did you last laugh?
This morning, kinda giggling alot reading others Surveys.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
3 pics of Dandellion Seed Heads. A Clock Face. A Canvas with White Orchids painted on. The rest of them are holding Kitchen units and tiles.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Weird is a very subjective word.

14. What do you think of FacebookCraze.com?
know nothing of it, only that this Survey was born of it.

15. What is the last film you saw?
Sex, Drugs and Rockin' Roll-The Film about Ian Dury.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A plane ticket to open up a Swiss Bank A/C. Then a whole lotta stuff for my Family. A house for myself and some Pets. Then a plane Ticket to go see what area I could invest in that would make a difference to someone(s)quality of life.


17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know
I cannot stand the feel of Velour/Some types of Velvet, I get a kinda electric type shock from it.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
Just one?...Unequal distributions of wealth and the Social exclusion that ensues from it.

19. Do you like to dance?
Yeah, but with no-one watching.

20. What do you think of the president?
She seems fine, think this role in my Country is a bit Archaic and Inert though.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Millie/Milli/Milly...just like the sound of it!

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Spartacus Rex...Only joking!Oscar

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yes, Preferably somewhere with a Warmer Climate.

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
You Bastard!!*Slap*
.

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
Uh, I guess

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
For sure- but I would likely say something if I was interested in someone else b/c I don't want to cheat.

The last time you felt honestly broken? Yesterday.

Are you craving something? yes. Sugar.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? A big slice of Cake.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
Ten

What do you hear right now?
The heater blowing

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
No. Just one.

What’s on your mind right now?
Bluelight

Are you there for your friends?
Yes.

Last person to see you cry?
Husband

What do you do when you get nervous?
I get jittery, I might shake- depends on how nervous and why- My eye twitches.......but then, I have panic disorder, so.......

Be honest, do you like people in general?
Some.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? I don't know.

Does anyone completely understand you?
I don't think so.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Sure.

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Yes.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
Hmmm..... I try to not regret. Everything happens for a reason.

Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
No.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
No. But now that I don't it does bother me when he smokes around me or I smell it on him.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
Who knows.


This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Yeah.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
Recently, the present and future.

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Around 8

Are you easy to get along with?
Sometimes

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
No.

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
Coffee

What size bed do you have?
I sleep in a Queen Sized Bed.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
Before.

Do you like the rain?
Yes.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Who knows

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
Sure.

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
Depends on who- ........but probably neither?.

Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
Fran

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
Eclipse/Fran

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
Not since I was like 14

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
Yes.

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
I have had small get togethers in my parents house when they went out of town and I lived at home.

Do you regret a past relationship?
Again, everything happens for a reason

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
Concert then out for coffee with like one or two people

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
Hmmm........sort of?

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
Probably.

Do you care too much about your appearance?
Hard to answer. I'm not shallow. I don't judge others on appearance- but I am hard on myself.

Are you a jealous person?
No

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No

Do you miss anyone?
Yes

Last person who made you cry?

Does your ex piss you off?
No.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Possibly celebrating Thanksgiving with my in laws

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
Nope.

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Yes, a number of people.

Have you ever been cheated on?
Sure.

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
Um....yeah.

Do you like cotton candy?
Of course!

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
Husband

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? 17 came and went a LONG time ago :D

Do you have siblings?
One, amazing brother
One, Amazing brother in law

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
Uh- Probably.

How has the past week been for you?
Not so great but whatever.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Yes.

What’s on your mind right now?
Well, now a friend of mine of the opposite sex I spoke with earlier today....b/c of the above Question

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading

What is your current mood? Blah

Who was the first person you talked to today?
My father in law

Will this week be a good one?
I don't know.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
Um......yeah. My brother is coming for Cmas and my parents may be out by then as well.

Who were you with last night?
Husband.

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
No.

Next time you will kiss someone?
Today?

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Doesn't matter.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
Nope.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here:
there are no books, i am in an airport lounge. line 4 on the drink menu says: sparking julip-bourbon, cava, fresh mint, sugar

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there?
it can almost touch the buffet of cookies and crudites. i will give anyone a cookie if they know what crudites is without looking it up

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
i think the macy's thanksgiving day parade

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
2.57

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 2.57! i knew more or less what time it was when i sat down, so it wasn't that hard to guess

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
marcy playground and some conversations in languages i do not know

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? this morning at sea-tac. i was walking in to catch my flight.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
when i get to cleveland

9. What are you wearing?
jeans, grey sweater

10. Did you dream last night?
nope, i went to bed at 2 and got up at 4

11. When did you last laugh?
last night, my friends are silly

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?some abstract art of waves. behind is fake grass which i assume is supposed to be calming.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
last week in vancouver i saw a band try to check into the hotel i was staying at just to shower. the singer tried to convince the hotel person to give them a room for signed cd's. i don't recall the band name tho.

walking into the delta lounge today, i saw a sign stating that monkeys are not allowed in.

14. What do you think of FacebookCraze.com?
no idea what that is

15. What is the last film you saw?
the kids are alright. julianne moore is super hot for an almost 50 yr old. and the movie had lots of sex scenes.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
i would prolly invest some or put it in an account that i can't touch. anything in my checking account gets spent way too quickly

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know
hmm, that is hard cause i share all sorts of random stuff on here... james gave me a necklace a year or so after we started dating, i have only taken it off a handful of times since then

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
people would have common sense. like they would think about their actions and their viewpoints. and realize when stuff seems off

19. Do you like to dance?
no, but the kinect dance game is kinda fun

20. What do you think of the president?
meh, i am rather indifferent towards politics. there is stuff he does that i do not agree with tho

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? aurora. i have liked the name forever. it means i need to leave ohio before naming a kid, cause there is a suburb named aurora and that would just be weird.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? i like xavier.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
yes, i think it would be fun. i can pick up languages quickly when i am around them, i just forget them equally as fast

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
i have no idea, besides i thought it was peter who you meet at the gates

Men are delicate origami creatures.

We are perfectly folded, rigid, and set.

We need women to hold us.

And keep us from folding wrong.

... but it seems like the only time that I post in my blog is when there's a fun survey going around. Ah well.

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
No. I'm taking my ball and going home

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
Sure, but I'm not really the cheating sort.

The last time you felt honestly broken?
I've felt down recently, but broken? Not for a while.

Are you craving something?
Yes. Female companionship. May as well be honest.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? See above.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
Oh god, none.

What do you hear right now?
Computer fan and some sort of faint building noise-- possibly tinnitus.

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
One side, and the headboard, so yes.

What’s on your mind right now?
This survey. Duh. Other than that, a certain someone, yoga, silver and Minecraft.

Are you there for your friends?
As much as possible.

Last person to see you cry?
My extended family.

What do you do when you get nervous?
Mostly, I get some serious gastrointestinal horror. Won't go into the details. It's funny, but sometimes that's a better barometer of my anxiety than actually feeling anxious.

Be honest, do you like people in general?
I used to be a misanthrope, but now I aim more for the "Be kind, for everyone is waging a terrible battle" type of mindset. I can't control other people, but I can control my reaction to them, and one tends to get what one gives.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
If ever? I'd be surprised if I was younger than 35.

Does anyone completely understand you?
Does anybody completely understand anybody else. Hell, does anyone even completely understand themselves?

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Yes. Many

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Once. It wound up happening anyway.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
I'd be a lot wealthier, that's for sure . Seriously though, if I knew what I know now ten years ago I'd be in a very different place, but I wouldn't have listened to any advice at that point in my life anyway, so it's kind of a moot question.

Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
Many things, even most. Not all.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
Tobacco? As long as it's not often, and preferably not cigarettes, then it's their choice. I wouldn't be with someone if they smoked heavily though. Cannabis? As long as they aren't chronic, then it's all good.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
Well, seeing as how I don't know the future, I deem this question as being silly.


This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Yup.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
Historically, the past and the future. Currently, more the future (as I'm trying to make a big life decision) and doing my best to focus more on the moment. I'm a planner though, so I tend to look ahead a lot.

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Lately? Around 7ish. I aim for 8 though.

Are you easy to get along with?
I like to think so, but I can be a bit blunt at times, and if I'm not making the effort to be political I can be a bit tactless with my opinions.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
What!!? No, of course not. I think she's damn cute actually.

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
OJ and soda. Mmmm bubbles.

What size bed do you have?
Queen

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
Before, as it takes a minute for the hot water to kick in.

Do you like the rain?
Oh yeah. Love it.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Dunno. I kind of hope so, but that's not the sort of thing one generally knows.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
Yup. Relatively recently too. Not one of my finer moments.

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
I've been told that I come off to people that I don't know as a goody-goody, but when they hear about the sort of things that I've done in my day they're usually pretty amazed. Once people get to know me, I'd say that I lose the goody appearance, but I'm not really bad news.

Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
Um..... I don't drive, and the last few rides that I got were with family. Oh wait, I gave some people in my sister's bridal party a ride when we were doing photos at her wedding. So: my sister's old friend, and her new sister-in-law.

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
Um, that was a while ago. Ugh, I think it might have been Daywalkers (a horrible vampire movie), with my best friend James, just before he moved away.

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
No. Someone who was married though...

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
No, but I usually expect to be hurt by most people at some point. Or rather, I used to, and haven't been hurt by anyone new since I've changed my opinion on people.

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
Well, seeing as how I don't live at home, that wouldn't factor into my decision to throw a party at all.

When I lived at home? Nah, too much hassle. I'd probably have a couple of friends over to chill and maybe watch a movie on their ridiculous TV though.

Do you regret a past relationship?
I regret the circumstances around it, and how it ended, but not the relationship itself. Although I suppose that calling it a relationship might be a bit of a stretch.

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
Concert. Preferably an organ concert.

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
Kinda. Usually people in a situation where it would be inappropriate for me to pursue anything with them.

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
Not consciously.

Do you care too much about your appearance?
I don't think so. You wouldn't think that I did from looking at me.

Are you a jealous person?
Again, I don't think so, but I'm not usually in a situation where I'd have any reason or right to feel jealous.

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No, but I really should soon.

Do you miss anyone?
Yes, several people.

Last person who made you cry?
My grandfather, for dieing.

Does your ex piss you off?
No.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Lots. Flute lesson, popping in to work for a few, taking in my bottles, shopping for work clothes, trying to fix my Roomba, going for a run, doing some carving, possibly checking out a public concert (for the Grey Cup festival) and probably playing some Minecraft at some point.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
Oh jebus, I can't stop laughing. You're killing me!

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Yes, but not right this second. It'd be nice if they called first, but that won't happen either.

Have you ever been cheated on?
Sort of.

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
No.

Do you like cotton candy?
No.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
A colleague at work. Had a few good ones with him over the last few days.

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
That was a long time ago, and what kind of person does that? /facepalm

Do you have siblings?
One brother, one sister, both younger. Both'll be married by this time next year too.

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
I've fallen asleep in class a few times, and a couple of times from jetlag.

How has the past week been for you?
Weird. Not in a bad way mind you.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Not on a regular basis, but maybe once every month or so. Outside of work that is, but I don't really talk with the ladies at work. Or at least not usually.

What’s on your mind right now?
You already asked that.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping, but only just barely.

What is your current mood?
Decent. Coming down off a yoga high, and getting a bit sleepy.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
A colleague at work.

Will this week be a good one?
This coming week? It'll be busy, and there may be a small amount of feces/fan interaction. We shall see.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
Really happy? Nah. Happy? Yeah, all kinds of things.

Who were you with last night?
Nobody

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Never done that. I'd bet it's nice.

Next time you will kiss someone?
Not in the foreseeable future.

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
If it's the first time, and it's with me, it'll pretty well have to be the girl. After that, doesn't matter.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
You so totally already (kind of) asked that. See above.

i cut off contact with a good friend today. i can't handle his emotional issues and random accusations any more. i feel super alone now because he was the person i always turned to for support when i was going thru confusing times. it makes me feel very alone

its not my husband. and i know i have other friends but i think i became dependent on this other person for providing certain emotional supports i didn't get from other friends. i can't really talk to my other friends about it because it involves a lot of private drama between the two of us that i don't really want to air.

i want this stupid trip to be over.

can any one tell me if i can take dihydrocodeine now even though i had 8mg of subutex this morining i eally ned to know as im in so much pain and the subtex hasnt worked

were am i? do i have a choice? cant' beat me as me..worst enemy..tsk..