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"la la land of a thousand lakes. swift bee buzzz gangsta nightclub. out of this hemisphere to the great banquet. all attending personnel will be promptly executed. excuse my insanity and don't worry because it is just the beginning. the end will come as the introduction followed by the meat of the play: THE BEGINNING. what this means i do not know. what i know is that it is mean. vicious sour apple jelly. it will bite you if you attempt to devour it. break the rules with your teeth and inject the laws of nature. tie off the bleeding mind so the poison won't spread. fish in air is fish in suspention is fish in water is fish waiting. for it all to NOT make sense. for the peices to fall APART not together. for DISORDER to become the order. for CHAOS to provide the answers. nothing is interchangable with everything. a higher level is required. abstract thought is only the beginning."

"Tension spirals tornado of change ripping through life. Laugh at that and your hands are bloody, you are the one carrying the inspiration and struggle on. The struggle is the love, the path is life, the goal is the end, of handlbars gripping sweaty fingers interlaced with rubber sad it is that everything must live constantly and incurably. Forever never push the fucking lever and watch the mouse bite the cheese. Insense, instant, incessent hammering on the door. Come in already! Watch it hit the bullet and send it into another soul transforming it forever. IN--i am within myself. SAN--without or lack of. ITY--to interperet as you will, there is will and there is fate. We can make choices about the direction we want our lives to go, however THE CHOICES WE MAKE ARE PRE-DETERMINED."

"Perfect is ficticious annexed by belief unknown by trying never achieving nothingness but not ever existing for hopelessness abounds for those trying to aquire taste for the tasteless death for the living life for the lack of long sentence behind bars ramble rumple ripple repleated song of the soul ice fire heart robber intimidating growl of hearth burning cloud of quantum particles swirling in boiling soda in the pavement on the sea creeping through the car of tea drops cup of tears lying on the roof of my mouth sadistic bitch is schooling the children in the history of pluto "the first president of Pluto was Frank Sinatra" what in hell does this shit mean? don't ask me because i know but i'm not telling you because i am you and you already know so you shouldn't be asking me in the first place but since you placed second i guess i have to be civic minded and pay my dues to your sorry asset of comercial thought and corporate feeling. McDonald's suffers from Binge Eating Disorder. Guess Jeans suffers from Anorexia. Bebe has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Hot Topic has Antisocial Personality Disorder. Chanel is a victim of Dissasociative Identity Disorder. Borders Books is Obsessive Compulsive. Radio Shack had Attention Deficit Disorder. Kmart is afflicted with Major Depressive Disorder. Walmart has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Freud would say that Taco Bell developed a fixation at the Anal stage of development and is consequently "Anal Expulsive." We must take pity on these troubled souls and help them through their darkest hours, never giving up, encouraging them to seek help, and always keep buying buying buying time on the clock thread to keep sewing wind to keep blowing money to keep spending life to keep beginning anew again. Mountain Dew has a horrible addiction to Caffiene, but who is their to point him toward recovery? no one. They just take advantage of his deliciousness with no thought of the cost of their pleasure. The cost of your pleasure is often YOUR LIFE. remember that. "

The quote in my title was said by my friend after his first K hole. Ketamine is a very alluring and subtly addicting chemical.

Route of administration: Insuffalation, Injection (Intramuscular/Intravenous)
Appearance of Drug: white crystal powder, sealed liquid vial
Length of Drug: 1 1/2-2 hours
Memorable song on drug: Just Be-Tiesto
Trip Scores: 7.5-10/10

The first time I tried Ketamine I enjoyed the effects for about 45 minutes, but soon after this received a nausea very similar to DXM. It took me another couple of months to try it again, this time after an Ecstasy roll. I was trying a large dose this time and instructed to lie down after insuffalaton. This was the first time I entered the K-Hole. After coming out of the K-Hole, I felt like my physical brain was no longer working with my mind, which made speech very difficult. I had many more experiences after this and will just sum up similarities in the experience. I am pretty sure that I will no longer use this substance as I found a very dark side to it, that I am not particularly fond of.

A medium sized dose of ketamine is usually very opiate like to me, especially in the presence of marijuana. Color is kind of sucked out of the vision and it becomes grainy like you may see on a t.v. that's not working all that well, yet I always still felt very euphoric and apathetic.

Higher doses that are sub K-hole or K hole doses are quite different. The sub K-hole dose produces this extremely euphoric sense of 'lightness.' I feel light and there is this sense of bliss that runs through my mind. Walking becomes quite strange and compared to the hallucinogens where I have a sense of childhood and wonder, there is a sense of being elderly and shutting off, where it's difficult to get my motor functions and coordination to cooperate. I usually have a somewhat change in cognitive thinking during this level to where I think about life and death. I remember watching a Ron White standup comedy special at this dose and just not feeling any relation to that style of comedy. It's not only a dissassociative in it's physical effects but kind of dissassociative in it's mental effects to. Meaning I felt distanced from a lot of people when I was using it fairly often.

The K-hole is impossible to explain as there is no language that can describe the sensations that occur. Some phenomena is the impression that my arms were stretching miles away or apart, that i was kind of floating in space and That my mind could realize and felt separate from my anesthetized body. I once had the impression of a mechanical mandala which my soul was trapped in as the rest of humans souls are too. It was a small space to move in but it was some space to move in too, which i was thankful for. I have the sense sometimes coming out that it is a completely different day than before, similar to that phenomena that occasionally occurs when you go to sleep at a pecuilar hour of the day, and wake up a few hours later and don't remember the day. For how intense it is or may seem, it has never been scary. The fact that the body is anesthetized may have something to do with this. Ketamine was interesting but not very worthwhile to me, as I didn't feel it expanded my mind after the first few uses. I preferred the higher doses but it messes your coordination up immensely, so playing guitar, video games, or writing about the experiencing are extremely difficult if not impossible.

I ended up getting involved in a few shady deals with it too, even when i knew the person was going to try to screw me over, it just had that strong of a psychological addiction on me. It is by far the most addictive substance I have tried easily replacing cocaine, because I found the effects of ketamine a lot more to my liking. It's not addicting in the same way as cocaine or other stimulants where I desire to use more because i'm feeling tired and ill and prevent the comedown, it's more just to prolong the interesting effects it delivers. I realized though with the frequency I was using it, how i heard from some it was changing my personality while on it, and seeing how it made other people shady who were using it, it's not a substance that's all that worth it to me. If I were to order my substances on a scale of personal usefulness I would put it just above alcohol, mainly for the K hole.

1st cup of coffee at cole valley cafe

GF and I rode to Point Bonita lgiht house (on a rocky and wind-swept spit of land jutting into the Bay just across the golden gate bridge from San Francisco .) It's only a 15 mile bike ride. Not a physical feat that requires an unusual amount of endurance. Just an easy afternoon ride.

When we first met, I explained to her that it is important to me that BOTH of us get in shape and that I wanted for us to do activities together that require a certain level of fitness. I'm attracted to a certain well-toned body type and enjoy doing things outside like backpacking and bicyling. I also explained that I felt that both of us need to be in it together, and if not, the relationship won't work. She agreed. She was even enthusiastic about it..

But that's not how things have been going.
She has been umemployed for 2 years. It's not liek she hasn't had the time to build up her endurance to a basic level of physical fitness. It takes about 6 weeks of training a few hours a day, 3 days a week, to get to the point where you can confortably ride about 30 miles in a few hours. But she won't exercise.
All day, every day, she sits around the house and watches TV. And she EATS. She likes doughnuts (a.k.a. Fat Pills). When combined with a sedentary lifestyle, doughnuts, along with some other food items like cupcakes, are one of the most disgusting and obscenely offensive foods in existence. Their magnitude of offensiveness is the female equivalent of the husband in a relationship sneaking out to strip clubs and getting "lap dances" and hand jobs.

So, we were on our way home from the light house with only 2 miles to go yesterday evening. And, we were climbing the very last hill of the entire bike ride and had roughly fifty feet more to climb. You could even see the top of the hill which was indicated by the blue sky shining through the trees at the hilltop a little way ahead. After that, it would be all down hill to the house. She was getting tired and starting to slow down. So, I was ridnig beside her trying to make sure she was OK and told her she's doing great. Then, out of the blue, she started shouting, no, shrieking, at me as we were riding up the lat hill of Landsend park.... She stopped her bike, and then she started crying and cursing me very loudly. I asked her what was wrong. Then, a pedestrian stops and asks HER if she would like him to call 911. He pointedly ignores me. You can imagine that this is unspeakably humiliating. I stood beside her not saying anything.. Still in tears, she told him she was only tired.... sure. Like that's not a classic battered women's cover story... After he left, I told her I don't need people threatening to call the cops on me and will meet her at the house. I rode off on my own and left her there. I rode along the beach alone for a while and then went got a couple of drinks at a bar before going home.

Now, I don't think I want to do go out and do any thing with her. The few things in this world that I actually enjoy doing, she hates... I dont need this female drama in my life. Is there not one female that I have anything in common with?

Wow. Just did 2 lines. I haven't felt coke like this in a while. It's resting in the back of my throat, worst tast ever! I have a feeling this will be a bad trip. I somewhat hope it is. I shouldn't have been so weak & used. I keep thinking about how just today I was told "don't use, its that easy." It's not that easy for me. I feel like shit, so I use: it's that easy. Fuck, I'm tripping out right now. I feel like throwing up. I've already drank 3 water bottles & have probably sweat the same amount. Feelings like this make me hate drugs, but sometimes this feeling is millions of times better than other feelings. But I don't even know why I used tonight.. I think it was because of the simple fact that I knew I had coke in my bag. If I have it, why wouldn't I use? I can't get this taste out of my mouth. Damn. & I didn't even use with anyone! Fuck. Snorting lines alone in my room, now that is depressing.

My Baby boy, sounds corny but this is the man that I feel so much for, the Man who I love to hold, who smells like 'home' to me.

After 4/5 plus years, the man who I've thought of every day and who's face is the most beautiful thing I see. The only one whose given me the oppertunity to prove I can be commited to something, who I've said 'I love you' to and meant it, and even when doubting what I've said, has unashamedly pursued me and needed me and made me love him because he 'needs' me.

Yes, it is Co-dependence; he is the child I dont have, but he is the beautiful man that I always wanted, the one who holds me and makes me feel so warm, the one I want to make love to me, and even when I feel bad about myself and physically reject him; he still makes me want to be extra close to him and no-one but him.

He is an Alcoholic, it has ruined any possibility of us having something 'real'. I've blamed him , blamed myself, blamed life and biology. I worry about him so much. We have a futile future if I stay with him. The Romantic tragedy is a classical farce(Im so angry at this because I've read all the books, know,reasonably, all the possible 'outcomes' of this kind of relationship!

Despite all the 'Alcoholic' Stereotypes, he has taught me how to love a man. No-one can match him in my eyes, I know I'm a die hard loyalist/Romantic but, honestly He is what I always wanted, despite his flaws. However, life with him is on a loop, with the constant Adultress: Alcohol. For this reason our relationship is broken.

Obvious, as though it sounds, in my Experience, she is but a Tiny hindrance compared to what He has given me ...he is the ONLY real man I've ever come across. Kind, Innocent and raw with humanity and emotion and his Spirit is so beautiful.
Im drowning in tears writing this, I know it sounds dramatic, I'm a blubbering mess of emotion. To anyone reading this it must sound like silly emotion and emotion is always silly...but...He is the only Man that exists for me, the only one Ive been myself with, loyal to, the one who feels like a Father, Brother and Son all wraped up into one
.
I'm so lucky and gratefull to have experienced this.
Please Pray that he'l get better, Im def sure he'l survive, he will get on without me no problem but dunno if his will for drink will ever subside.
I've asked him to look for someone else, although it would hurt like shit, knowing he'd be okay...I'd get over it...but he thinks I have the answers for him and I dont. I feel so powerless, helpless knowing that I dont know anything.

Last night, after many bowls & several lines, I had the worst itching sensations that just WOULD NOT GO AWAY! So I took Tizanidine & Trazodone to relax (a combo which I have taken before with zero kinks.) Then I went to take a shower (3am) & that's the last thing I remember.

I woke up at about 8 this morning, in the bathtub, with blood & makeup everywhere. I look like absolute shit! Just spent the last several hours cleaning my bathroom, cutting my nails, & taking another shower. I truly hope I don't get scars on my legs, not like anyone other than me would give a shit. At least I didn't scratch up my face.

Anyway, I'm meeting a "friend" at 1. I think I'm going to talk to her, about me. She might actually be the first person in my life that I'm going to talk to about everything (aside from you lovely Bluelighters .) I'm scared shitless. I told her I wanted to talk last night, but she doesn't know the half of it. I only hope that she doesn't react terribly. I couldn't stand that. To put myself out there in a real life situation & for it to backfire on me. But I trust her, for the most part... I would like to thank all of you though, for inspiring me to talk about my problems & open up. Maybe having one good friend to confide in will be helpful.

Ta Ta For Now,
JP

dear lord, last time i wrote one of these i got everything i hoped for and yes for a while it did make me very happy but some of the things were not to be. hopefully when i write this new one my dreams with be fulfilled once again.

things i want
to spend more time with my mum
for certain friends not to get angry or jealous
for joanne to be the proper friend she once was and sometimes still is
to have my best friend back
to have a new sofa, computer, carpet
to be less angry
to have a nice house away from here
to learn to drive
to have a baby, a little boy that is healthy
to get married
to argue with kierhan less
to love my step daughter as if she were my own
to learn to be more domesticated
to sleep better
to stay away from drugs completely
to stop smoking
to look after money better
to have more money
to make up with my brother who will not talk to me
to rid my life of people who are going to or have hurt me
to redecorate this house before i move into a new one
to learn to appreciate things
to be happy in love
to lose weight and be more healthy
to make my family proud
i may be asking for a lot and i know it is me that has to make it happen but i need the help and the strength from you lord.
amen

i woke up happy this morning now i am in a miserable mood. every morning the same routine of spending over an hour waking my fiance up. when he eventually did get up its because his daughter, my step daughter had arrived. i like the kid dont get me wrong but she is just sooo demanding and craves all of her dads attention so i feel the best thing for me to do is get out of the way only he gets annoyed at this. i dont wanna sit and watch cartoons or listen to a 4 year old shouting daddy every 10 seconds...maybe i am a little jealous. i feel so bad that i sometimes cant wait for her to go back to her mothers so i can have sme peace and quiet.....its always much tho better when he isnt there cos she doesnt crave my attention as much, we actually played together earlier and it was good fun. i hate how i feel about it. it hard to love someone that isnt your own tho, a child that challenges me at that. i dont want to be in competition for kierhans affections, he daughter should win hands down either way, maybe thats what scares me???
i try my best though and thats all that matters huh?
just watched marley and me for the 2nd time, i really enjoyed it! it was super sad at the end tho. sorta made me want a pet....its getting t that time of day now...the boredom kicks in. i feel like i am becoming miserable lately, sex isnt as good....i am snappy with the man i love. it like it isnt enough! i need some excitement. i love him so much but the routine is becoming hard work. i need to mix it up a little.

did 2 pregnancy tests. one yesterday afternoon and one this morning. both negative! i know my mum confirmed that i shouldnt test until new year i just want the result to be positive so bad. its really getting me down. supposed to be fun but the waiting is doing my head in!

Noticed at post 58 I'd made it -- dunno how that happened. Horray!

I have gone through several interesting & surprising things today. After the other night when I was ready to meet the maker, I thought I should start writing in a journal again, in some hopes to not reach that point again. Finally deciding to start, I can't find any paper in the whole fucking house. So I found here to let everything out.

I was feeling the weight of the world tonight. I took a walk through my neighboorhood, I hate it here. Its so fucking quiet & you never see anyone. Wait.. I think I actually find that to be one of the better things about this new place: no one bugs you. I walk around every night to smoke some cigs & I never see anyone. On the off chance I do come by someone, they don't bother me at all.

So I went walking out towards the baseball field. I was too lost in thought to turn on my iPod so I walked quietly in the dark. The gate to the field was locked & I'd never been here during the day, so I didn't even know what the place looked like. But I walked up on top of the hill behind all the plants & followed the fence. I found some bleachers, so I sat there. The whole time I was freaking out that someone would see me & think "What the fuck is that crazy girl doing on top of the hill?" It was making me feel so awkward. I hadn't even smoked yet, only cigarettes.

Finally, I did blaze. Blue Dream. My first time ever smoking this shit. See, I found my dads stash the other day. I took some of his Venom. That shit was pretty good. Then I went back to get some more (after smoking it all with this group of black guys... long fucking story) & I found Blue Dream too. I got some of both then ate it at the movies with a "friend." We barely felt the effects, didn't have nearly enough. Then the next day I smoked a bowl; thought it was the Blue Dream, but tonight I realized it was the Venom, or some Purple Kush I found too.

But after the Blue Dream, walking home was a trip. I almost ate shit like twice. Haha. The ground was all soft from the recent rains. I think I have a cut on my leg from hitting a sprinkler. Ouch! Ha. Then I was walking on the sidewalk back to the condo & I swear that shit looked like some Alice in Wonderland shit. The sidewalks are all swirvy & shit, so it looked crazy. There are plants & floor lights all over the place, it looked so crazy.

Then I saw like for rabits run infront of me. The last one stopped & stared at me. I was just lookin at him for the longest time. I bet the life of an animal is so amazing. They don't have to deal with half the shit humans go through. Their lives couldn't possibly be complicated. They don't live incredibly long & they are so simple minded. Shit, what if I only think they are, but some Mr. Foxx shit is real & they have little societies & ways to comunicate with eachother. They are probably way smarter than they let on. Maybe it's like a defensive way to survive. Like if you are a stupid, simple & meaningless little animal then there is no reason to bother you & run tests on you & shit. So they hide their intelligance.

I wouldn't be surprised if people go extinct & the animals survive & make a more advanced society than ours. That'd be so fucking crazy!

Streaming SomaFM Drone Zone: Stevie Be Ret - Maya & Aliens

It was a cool, sunny morning, the twenty-fourth of December, and I could feel the heavy, cean-laden wind tugging at my coat and dampening my holiday spirit (what little bit I had). I had only crawled out of bed moments before. It was a quarter to seven when I walked out the door on my way to a seven o’clock coffee "date" and really wasn’t all that embarrassed by my cat-hair covered Brooks Brothers' sport coat and greasy blue jeans. This outfit was complete with black wool watch cap, decomposing leather combat boots, and matted hair. I suppose my lack of self-consciousness had quite a bit to do with the fact that I was on my way to see my old hook-up, not the kind of appointment one gets prettied up for. A holiday doesn’t bottom out much lower than that.

A month ago, I was a sober man, or at least I possessed that label of sobriety that gives one a sense of purpose and self-worth. Ludicrous or not, that label is missed when you become an addict. Why? Well, why does anyone want what they don’t have? By now anyone reading this might assume I’m a waste of a person. I try to do no harm; other than that, I'm not sure if I care. Anyone challenging social expectations (Puritanical/socially conservative American ideas) should expect to be met with hostility. Besides that, I’m not the one reading someone else's blog....

Thursday 3 weeks ago was pleasant but chilly. I rode my bike down the hill (Twin Peaks) toward Golden Gate Park, near the Panhandle. Then, I changed course steering to the East and rode a dozen or so blocks through the Ashbury-Haight neighborhood, then went a few blocks up the hill again, turned West, and headed to Cole Valley to a cafe where I go to study sometimes. I hopped the curb and rode up onto the sidewalk to the street corner shaded by live oaks and some other green trees that look the same year round and don't really lose their leaves during the winter in the temperate climate of San Francisco, California.

As I'm wrapping my cable bike lock around the one pathetic tree that is scraggly and has lost most of its leaves, I think it's odd to hear someone calling my name, "Robin?" I turned and had no idea who this woman was who obviously knew me. I was suprised when she said she was Dara Shimer, my hook-up from
years ago, 5 maybe. She was sitting alone at a table outside of the Cafe. (My x-girlfriend, the Lovely but Tragically Insane Psycho Suzie who I have blogged about before was friends with her and had introduced me to her years ago when she first showed me the thrills of the needle).

Dara was sitting at a small wooden table in front of one of the large store-front windows, her back to a large potted jade bush. She is the kind of person, an American stereotype of a worrying and concerned Jewish mother, who will greet you holding a plate of cookies in one hand, but in the other hand (breaking the stereotype), hidden behind her back is a tray of syringes, spoons, and dope . Her hair once black has turned white, her once plump matronly body is like a wire clothes hanger supporting baggy clothes, and her face is shrivelled like an old apple. She was my regular hookup for dilaudid, oxy, and heroin, whatever she had. Last tiem I saw her, years ago, she was lying on her living room couch, not moving, pale, sweating, and sick from heroin withdrawals, vomitting and squitting (uncotrollable squirting of diarrhea). She had been cut off / her source had gone missing. I don't remember what she said if she said anything. Maybe I just didn't bother to ask. She had asked me to buy her a pack of Marlboro Reds (tobacco) cigarettes. She was dry - no more dope and didn't even have money for a pack of cigarettes...

My gf, who is lying in the bed behind me, is trying to sleep. She says that I'm making too much noise and need to get to bed. I have been trying to finish this single journal entry for sefveral days now. She has been in a bad mood lately. More on that later. To be continued.

I moved into this studio three months ago with my gf. At first, the tv room was separated from the bedroom in spirit. Then, as in every place I've lived, the line started to blur. Now it doesn't exist at all. We sleep on the floor, in a giant conglomeration of covers and pillows. The bedroom is now the dirty laundry room. It serves no other function other than the divide between the living area and the bathroom.

It's like a goddamn nest. I would like it a lot more if we had a maid, but obviously I can't afford a maid.

Man. I accidentally said "fuck you" because she was distracting me on the freeway. She was not happy about that shit. Going to be a long Christmas.

just gonna do what I can to get better.

can't seem to do enough, though.

its just like the drugs... more is never enough... sex, exercise, work, preparing for upcoming classes

what the fuck is missing in me that makes me feel like shit about me?

i'm really pushing myself to improve and make up for all that lost time but I am falling short of my own standards. I'm trying, man but my efforts just aren't good enough.

i gotta be okay with myself again. There is no magic pill, no person, place or thing that is going to make everything 'alright'.

I remember my therapist in rehab saying 'I have no doubt you will do well in your recovery, its your ability to accept your mental health issues that I am concerned with'

Fuck that... do I have 'mental health issues'? Am I fucked in the head after all? I truly don't believe so.

fucking nonsense entry...

I always tell my girlfriend that she's my caramel lady. She's got the Taliban tan.

Last night she cooked all manner of great Mexican food. I can picture getting old and fat with her. She's such a happy lady, always smiling.

Ok ... so I rearrange my whole life/finances/baby-sitter to be at my shrinks on the 22nd at 9:30 am. One hour before my appointment, they call and say, 'Todd' wasn't feeling well today and we'd like to reschedule your appointment for some other time. I flipped out. NO, NO, NO! - I was just suicidal a week ago and have rearranged my whole life to be there; banked all my bills, etc. She says well I'll talk to my supervisor and we'll see if we can get someone to talk to you today. I'm like, well - my husband is up north, and my mom (who was going to watch my son) has to be at work at noon. So just 'sometime today' is not going to work for me. After mom runs me and my son thru McDonalds' and we sit in the parking lot and eat - I call them back and say either Jan. 4th or Jan. 6th at 9:30 AM will work (I guess) for me. My son will be in 'Mother's Day Out' and away from crazy mommy. They're like thanks for working with us. I'm thinking fuck, like I have a choice? So after my mom left this morning, I went back to bed and slept as long as I could. I am so depressed and I just hate the holidays. I hope others' are doing better. To all of you who struggle, you are so not alone. I wish you well.

i was just sitting on the floor of the shower with the water pouring down over me, dripping down my face in deep thought, thinking -- what the fuck am i doing, and who the fuck am i?

it's 2011 in a weeks time. i'm getting closer and closer to 30yrs of age and still i feel i haven't found myself. who am i? is a question i'm still lost to answer.

i'm not content just being a no one. i want to be someone, something. i want to be able to get out of bed in the morning and stand tall and proud. be cheerful and happy without having to consciously make an effort.

i want to be happy with myself and the person i am so i can let myself go and hope to find someone to love and cherish.

they say if you don't love yourself you'll never truly find someone to love. and it's true.

how can i expect someone to be happy with me when i'm not happy with myself?

but how do i become someone, and who do i want to be is the real question i need to find the answer to. do i just need to slap myself silly and tell myself to wake the fuck up? tell myself to just cut the shit and get on with life.

maybe i'm just one of those people who will never be content. maybe i'm one of those people who is meant to be just your average joe blo and nothing more.

i can't say i'm ever going to genuinely believe that. i guess i just gotta keep fighting and attempting to progress. life is about survival. you'll die in your own misery if you choose to give up on hope.

wow. there's so many things i wish i could express in words but i don't know where to begin. i'll probably read back on this in a years time and laugh. all i know is that if i'm serious about being someone i want to be, i have to make some big and tough decisions. we'll see how we go.

fucking just grabbing a needle

slashing the wrist

carving the chest

burning the arm

what the fuck, man? I ain't gonna do any of this but where the fuck are these thoughts coming from?

i need new distractions.

I saw this coming from a mile away. About a week and a half ago, my MMT client I.D. number was posted on the U.A. sheet, so I had to pee. I knew I was going to be dirty for benzos which is a big huge no-no at my clinic. Such a no-no that they lower your dose by 10%, and then 5MG every week until you can provide a benzo-negative UA. I knew before I pissed that it would be dirty. The whole previous week I was eating the yellow 5MG diazepam tabs like they were candy and stumbling about Seattle like a drunken retard.

Here's the weird part. After talking/debating/pleading with my counselor - basically telling him it was not a productive way to treat opiate addiction while on methadone; to punish people by lowering their dose.......nothing happened....my dose never went down.....it didn't change.....I'm thinking that he forgot to tell the dispensary to alter my dose. There's no way what I said to him would have convinced him to side-step clinic policy, even though I was 100% in the right and they (my clinic) in the wrong. I just think the whole situation is really weird. But I'm not complaining one bit. If some clerical error occured and my dose stays where it is; that is FINE WITH ME!!! Probably more than fine....that is kickass awesome!

So that's what has been going on with me lately.

From what I understand, Bluelight is keeping the Blogs around, but getting rid of the galleries and the vJournals. I'll be sad to see the galleries go, because I do browse them often. The Journals and the Blogs are basically the same thing so whatever on that....

So yeah; Spring has sprung here in Seattle as well, which is a nice change from the constantly wet gray dullness of a winter season we get...

that's all for now..peace....

I am waiting for the hottest speed – my gosh, in Australia we’ve got nothing but shit – if youtried to shoot some you’d be lucky to stay awake for 24 hours if that…this fan-tab-ulistic stuff that a VERY good friend has sent me from California has sent me OVER THE MOON. I mean it, I couldn’t slow down and stayed awake for…let’s see, the first time it was 8-no-9 days, and the second time was 7 days.

Now I don’t usually overdose that much, especially seeing as I’m on the harpy drug of methadone, but when you get told for years that stuff is great and you find out it isn’t, you start to take such affirmations with a grain of salt. Well, that’s what happened with my friend – let’s call her Anastasia’s advice – I simply disregarded it. Twice. No, three times.

It’s amazing how many times it takes to learn when you’re a druggie and it’s to do with drugs. Ask any druggie, they’ll agree.

I’ll be getting a camera soon, and I’d like to entice you to keep following this blog because there will be some juicy pictures coming up!!

No drugs for me until Friday when I get inundated by methadone “take-aways” which are no fun to hit up beyond a certain point – it just gets so boreing, sitting there nodding like you’re on pills, and I always hated pill “highs”. Heroin is completely different – and I sure do miss it. It’s one of my motivations in reducing my methadone dose that I get to finally feel a heroin rush and stone again. I’m more than looking forward to it.

well its 20th of dec and we are so nearly ready for xmas, real tree up that smells so good, plenty of presents under the tree. just gotta do the big shop on thursday for everyone we aint got and boom. xmas dinner with the inlaws. shall be good i think. cant wait for thursday, i need some stress release even if its just a chinese with my best friend... could lose the house and god knows what will happen then!!! my own stupid fault tho....anyway gotta stay positive. i dont wanna talk about that

what a fucking weekend it was. no beer no drugs just time with my family and i will cherish this weekend forever in my heart cos i grew so much closer to my man and we even learned a little more about each other. the sex for one has been off the wall....dunno if its a combo of trying for a baby and us just being happy to be together with no interruptions in the winter months or if me having the implant out has stopped me being so moody. think it must be a bit of everything.
i cant stop thinking about having a baby. its becoming a constant thought to me, i know kierhan says he cant wait either but i dont think he wants it like i do.
all i keep thinkin is i may be pregnant, with my mums track record and me seeming to have followed in her footsteps with high fertility there is a possibility but i wont know until i am supposed to get my period and i dont even know when its due but to be sure i am going to wait until new years eve to do a test. that would be a pretty cool new years present.
big change, new life. one i have experienced before but was so young and inexperienced. i think i did a good job but this time i want it more and i have my sidekick there along the way, not the deadbeat dad of my 2nd born who by the way has had yet another kid that my little girl knows nothing about, his kids will populate the uk if he carries on.
i am still debating whether to take any drugs or drink anything on thursday. i gotta be serious about this pregnancy situ and if i think i may be then i cant be irresponsible.....
although it would be nice to have a night with my nearest and dearest again. also there's new years. the day i will be testing. i will be going out if its positive but i wont be joining in the illegal fun just go for the music and celebrate.
the bitch called again today..probs wants money no doubt. she gone....i do miss her a little but more miss the person i thought she was not who she really is so am suckin it up she can disappear.

think i need to make some cheese on toast. am so hungry right now just cant be bothered to move and i am enjoyin writing my blog. i really need to stick to this. i think its good for me.

gotta keep in a positive mood today cos i have been getting mardy with my loved ones and they dont deserve it one bit. especially kierhan. he gets the brunt end of my moods. i miss him so much when he is at work i wish he realised.

right well i think i better stop writing now and get something done. latersssss

An alcoholic.

I drink like a fish. I quit using other drugs, and it's been about a month now. I can't seem to get through a full day without something - anything. When I don't have booze I CWE codeine. Even when I have booze I pop codeine - it's just routine. I've taken some steps to fix myself, but at the same time I seem to be falling into a deeper hole of alcoholism. Why do I drink? Other than not to be sober, I don't know really. Is my life really that bad that I have to resort to this kind of shit?

It's not.

Am I broken? Possibly.
Am I damaged? Maybe.

Healing takes time, and unfortunately I don't really have the time I need.

I wish I could just forget everything. All the pain, all the trouble, all the guilt that eats away at me everyday for the fucked up choices I've made in my life.

I drink, and drink, and drink.

I don't get sloshed or hammered. Just tipsy. But still, I drink.

Maybe I need a relationship. But as my history goes, I fuck that up time and time again.

People look at me and have no idea what I really am. That includes friends and family.

This is more than a double life, and there's more to it than my drinking problem.

What to do, when you live in a shoe.

Damaged, broken, tainted, and corrupted.
- the story of my life.

Rippin' through like a missle...
Rippin' through my heart..
Rob me of...this liiife..
Raise your weapon..

For anyone who hasn't been following in the bupe megathread, I've been tapering down off of my suboxone for the last 8 months - was on it for about 19 months total. I jumped off completely 56 hours ago at .5mgs. With the use of 6 grams kratom 2x daily plus gabapentin and clonidine as needed i am having little to no discomfort so far, will update tomorrow night with how day 3 turns out.

I quit smoking again.

This time is kinda odd. The first two days I used a 21mg nicotine patch. Towards the end of the 2nd day, my patch was falling off so I'm guessing that I wasn't receiving the full 'dosage'. I decided to take advantage of this and decided to not wear the patch and just suffer through. Today is day 4 of not smoking (two consecutive days of no nicotine patch).

It hasn't been that bad. Yeah, I'm irritable. Yeah, I am thinking horrible things towards others. Yeah, its uncomfortable.

Fuck it... the irritability is lessening, the thoughts have not turned to actions and the discomfort assists me in distracting myself through positive efforts such as exercise, cleaning, reading, etc.

I dunno... typing this out is yet another distraction.