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I always tell my girlfriend that she's my caramel lady. She's got the Taliban tan.

Last night she cooked all manner of great Mexican food. I can picture getting old and fat with her. She's such a happy lady, always smiling.
Ok ... so I rearrange my whole life/finances/baby-sitter to be at my shrinks on the 22nd at 9:30 am. One hour before my appointment, they call and say, 'Todd' wasn't feeling well today and we'd like to reschedule your appointment for some other time. I flipped out. NO, NO, NO! - I was just suicidal a week ago and have rearranged my whole life to be there; banked all my bills, etc. She says well I'll talk to my supervisor and we'll see if we can get someone to talk to you today. I'm like, well - my husband is up north, and my mom (who was going to watch my son) has to be at work at noon. So just 'sometime today' is not going to work for me. After mom runs me and my son thru McDonalds' and we sit in the parking lot and eat - I call them back and say either Jan. 4th or Jan. 6th at 9:30 AM will work (I guess) for me. My son will be in 'Mother's Day Out' and away from crazy mommy. They're like thanks for working with us. I'm thinking fuck, like I have a choice? So after my mom left this morning, I went back to bed and slept as long as I could. I am so depressed and I just hate the holidays. I hope others' are doing better. To all of you who struggle, you are so not alone. I wish you well.
i was just sitting on the floor of the shower with the water pouring down over me, dripping down my face in deep thought, thinking -- what the fuck am i doing, and who the fuck am i?

it's 2011 in a weeks time. i'm getting closer and closer to 30yrs of age and still i feel i haven't found myself. who am i? is a question i'm still lost to answer.

i'm not content just being a no one. i want to be someone, something. i want to be able to get out of bed in the morning and stand tall and proud. be cheerful and happy without having to consciously make an effort.

i want to be happy with myself and the person i am so i can let myself go and hope to find someone to love and cherish.

they say if you don't love yourself you'll never truly find someone to love. and it's true.

how can i expect someone to be happy with me when i'm not happy with myself?

but how do i become someone, and who do i want to be is the real question i need to find the answer to. do i just need to slap myself silly and tell myself to wake the fuck up? tell myself to just cut the shit and get on with life.

maybe i'm just one of those people who will never be content. maybe i'm one of those people who is meant to be just your average joe blo and nothing more.

i can't say i'm ever going to genuinely believe that. i guess i just gotta keep fighting and attempting to progress. life is about survival. you'll die in your own misery if you choose to give up on hope.

wow. there's so many things i wish i could express in words but i don't know where to begin. i'll probably read back on this in a years time and laugh. all i know is that if i'm serious about being someone i want to be, i have to make some big and tough decisions. we'll see how we go.
fucking just grabbing a needle

slashing the wrist

carving the chest

burning the arm

what the fuck, man? I ain't gonna do any of this but where the fuck are these thoughts coming from?

i need new distractions.
I saw this coming from a mile away. About a week and a half ago, my MMT client I.D. number was posted on the U.A. sheet, so I had to pee. I knew I was going to be dirty for benzos which is a big huge no-no at my clinic. Such a no-no that they lower your dose by 10%, and then 5MG every week until you can provide a benzo-negative UA. I knew before I pissed that it would be dirty. The whole previous week I was eating the yellow 5MG diazepam tabs like they were candy and stumbling about Seattle like a drunken retard.

Here's the weird part. After talking/debating/pleading with my counselor - basically telling him it was not a productive way to treat opiate addiction while on methadone; to punish people by lowering their dose.......nothing happened....my dose never went down.....it didn't change.....I'm thinking that he forgot to tell the dispensary to alter my dose. There's no way what I said to him would have convinced him to side-step clinic policy, even though I was 100% in the right and they (my clinic) in the wrong. I just think the whole situation is really weird. But I'm not complaining one bit. If some clerical error occured and my dose stays where it is; that is FINE WITH ME!!! Probably more than fine....that is kickass awesome!

So that's what has been going on with me lately.

From what I understand, Bluelight is keeping the Blogs around, but getting rid of the galleries and the vJournals. I'll be sad to see the galleries go, because I do browse them often. The Journals and the Blogs are basically the same thing so whatever on that....

So yeah; Spring has sprung here in Seattle as well, which is a nice change from the constantly wet gray dullness of a winter season we get...

that's all for now..peace....
I am waiting for the hottest speed – my gosh, in Australia we’ve got nothing but shit – if youtried to shoot some you’d be lucky to stay awake for 24 hours if that…this fan-tab-ulistic stuff that a VERY good friend has sent me from California has sent me OVER THE MOON. I mean it, I couldn’t slow down and stayed awake for…let’s see, the first time it was 8-no-9 days, and the second time was 7 days.

Now I don’t usually overdose that much, especially seeing as I’m on the harpy drug of methadone, but when you get told for years that stuff is great and you find out it isn’t, you start to take such affirmations with a grain of salt. Well, that’s what happened with my friend – let’s call her Anastasia’s advice – I simply disregarded it. Twice. No, three times.

It’s amazing how many times it takes to learn when you’re a druggie and it’s to do with drugs. Ask any druggie, they’ll agree.

I’ll be getting a camera soon, and I’d like to entice you to keep following this blog because there will be some juicy pictures coming up!!

No drugs for me until Friday when I get inundated by methadone “take-aways” which are no fun to hit up beyond a certain point – it just gets so boreing, sitting there nodding like you’re on pills, and I always hated pill “highs”. Heroin is completely different – and I sure do miss it. It’s one of my motivations in reducing my methadone dose that I get to finally feel a heroin rush and stone again. I’m more than looking forward to it.
well its 20th of dec and we are so nearly ready for xmas, real tree up that smells so good, plenty of presents under the tree. just gotta do the big shop on thursday for everyone we aint got and boom. xmas dinner with the inlaws. shall be good i think. cant wait for thursday, i need some stress release even if its just a chinese with my best friend... could lose the house and god knows what will happen then!!! my own stupid fault tho....anyway gotta stay positive. i dont wanna talk about that

what a fucking weekend it was. no beer no drugs just time with my family and i will cherish this weekend forever in my heart cos i grew so much closer to my man and we even learned a little more about each other. the sex for one has been off the wall....dunno if its a combo of trying for a baby and us just being happy to be together with no interruptions in the winter months or if me having the implant out has stopped me being so moody. think it must be a bit of everything.
i cant stop thinking about having a baby. its becoming a constant thought to me, i know kierhan says he cant wait either but i dont think he wants it like i do.
all i keep thinkin is i may be pregnant, with my mums track record and me seeming to have followed in her footsteps with high fertility there is a possibility but i wont know until i am supposed to get my period and i dont even know when its due but to be sure i am going to wait until new years eve to do a test. that would be a pretty cool new years present.
big change, new life. one i have experienced before but was so young and inexperienced. i think i did a good job but this time i want it more and i have my sidekick there along the way, not the deadbeat dad of my 2nd born who by the way has had yet another kid that my little girl knows nothing about, his kids will populate the uk if he carries on.
i am still debating whether to take any drugs or drink anything on thursday. i gotta be serious about this pregnancy situ and if i think i may be then i cant be irresponsible.....
although it would be nice to have a night with my nearest and dearest again. also there's new years. the day i will be testing. i will be going out if its positive but i wont be joining in the illegal fun just go for the music and celebrate.
the bitch called again today..probs wants money no doubt. she gone....i do miss her a little but more miss the person i thought she was not who she really is so am suckin it up she can disappear.

think i need to make some cheese on toast. am so hungry right now just cant be bothered to move and i am enjoyin writing my blog. i really need to stick to this. i think its good for me.

gotta keep in a positive mood today cos i have been getting mardy with my loved ones and they dont deserve it one bit. especially kierhan. he gets the brunt end of my moods. i miss him so much when he is at work i wish he realised.

right well i think i better stop writing now and get something done. latersssss
An alcoholic.

I drink like a fish. I quit using other drugs, and it's been about a month now. I can't seem to get through a full day without something - anything. When I don't have booze I CWE codeine. Even when I have booze I pop codeine - it's just routine. I've taken some steps to fix myself, but at the same time I seem to be falling into a deeper hole of alcoholism. Why do I drink? Other than not to be sober, I don't know really. Is my life really that bad that I have to resort to this kind of shit?

It's not.

Am I broken? Possibly.
Am I damaged? Maybe.

Healing takes time, and unfortunately I don't really have the time I need.

I wish I could just forget everything. All the pain, all the trouble, all the guilt that eats away at me everyday for the fucked up choices I've made in my life.

I drink, and drink, and drink.

I don't get sloshed or hammered. Just tipsy. But still, I drink.

Maybe I need a relationship. But as my history goes, I fuck that up time and time again.

People look at me and have no idea what I really am. That includes friends and family.

This is more than a double life, and there's more to it than my drinking problem.

What to do, when you live in a shoe.

Damaged, broken, tainted, and corrupted.
- the story of my life.

Rippin' through like a missle...
Rippin' through my heart..
Rob me of...this liiife..
Raise your weapon..
For anyone who hasn't been following in the bupe megathread, I've been tapering down off of my suboxone for the last 8 months - was on it for about 19 months total. I jumped off completely 56 hours ago at .5mgs. With the use of 6 grams kratom 2x daily plus gabapentin and clonidine as needed i am having little to no discomfort so far, will update tomorrow night with how day 3 turns out. :)
I quit smoking again.

This time is kinda odd. The first two days I used a 21mg nicotine patch. Towards the end of the 2nd day, my patch was falling off so I'm guessing that I wasn't receiving the full 'dosage'. I decided to take advantage of this and decided to not wear the patch and just suffer through. Today is day 4 of not smoking (two consecutive days of no nicotine patch).

It hasn't been that bad. Yeah, I'm irritable. Yeah, I am thinking horrible things towards others. Yeah, its uncomfortable.

Fuck it... the irritability is lessening, the thoughts have not turned to actions and the discomfort assists me in distracting myself through positive efforts such as exercise, cleaning, reading, etc.

I dunno... typing this out is yet another distraction.
Listening to: Sexgang Children mix (early 1980s postpunk/Batcave sound)

There's a Winter potluck for work coming up soon. Traditionally at a potluck, everyone who attends brings some kind of HOMEMADE food item and shares it as a group meal. So, almost always, it's something each person makes themselves. But for me, this does not work.

I can't co0ok. In fact, I'm dangerous in the kitchen. For example, one time, I wanted to cook a steak. It went badly. I started a fire and burned my chest and foot while trying to fry the steak in a pan of olive oil. (I used olive oil because I had heard that it is good for you, and as a bonus for a college student with little money, the deli next door to where I lived sold large cans of olive oil for an economical price.) I had filled a large frying pan to the top (with olive oil) and turned the burner on high. Adding the steak caused it to overflow. Not only that, but when I put the steak into the HOT oil, the oil started crackling and hot drops spattered out of the pan and onto my bare arms and hands. Then, the pan of oil started smoking, so I tried to take it off the burner to prevent a fire. In my panic, I had jerked the pan away, and smoking oil sloshed out of the overflowing pan and onto my chest, my foot, the stove, the burner and caught fire. Another time, I gave myself explosive diarrhea after trying to make a kind of barley/yak butter snack. (A Tibetan monk I knew had turned me onto it and said it was easy to make.) So, after these and many other failed attempts at cooking, I've realized that it's better for me to not even try and to leave it to the professionals. In the years since then, for food, I have tried to make sure my apartment is next to a deli or restaurant.

The last potluck I went to, my gf made something. Somosas, I think they were called. Before that, I faked it. I bought some potato salad from the deli next door. I dumped it all out of the container it came in so nobody would see the deli's label and know for sure that I had bought it. HTen i put it in a plastic Rubbermade (like tupperware) container. It was good. I got lots of complemetns on that one, and I never let the cat out of the bag. The deli was owned by a Lebanese family.

I don't live any where near a deli anymore and my gf is out of town (I'm loving the peace and quiet.). So, I'm trying to think of what to bring. OK, I thought of somethign so simple, even I can make this. Years ago, I went to a club and they were playing short films. One was a series of parody home cooking shows for inept people. The recipes were very simple. The firwst dish was called "Pickle Surprise." Where's the pickle? That was the surprise. YUCK. Scratch that one. Another, and this one is promissing, was titled "Strawberry Shortcut." I'ts simple. Basically, you buy a shortcake from a grocery store and put it in a big tupperware container so it looks homemade and the container won't leak. Then you pour a can of 7UP over it. Then put a container of Cool Whip (whipcream) and strawberries on top. Maybe. Or, on second thought, maybe I should find a deli. I don't know what to do.
There's more to it than just going to the chemist every day
Hey!

Welcome kids to the 101 education centre about drugs! Honestly, if kids learnt even a vetted corner of what I'm writing it would stand them in could stead - INstead they have to work it out all alone.

I have no network, no "Higher Power" - no nothing to aid me in my message...all I can hope is that a few conscientious people may read and learn from one (my) person's experience, and either help themselves or help others. That is almost the whole reason I'm trying to do this. The final reason is because I need to save myself.

At the moment this is the situation of THIS current drug addict:
I am on 110mg per day of methadone - I have to - HAVE TO - hit it or I would be on the streets looking for heroin...see, I'm addicted to hitting (injecting) as much as the drug, if not more. I collect from my neighbourhood pharmacist who treats all their methadone clients like shit (no exceptions).

I can say for a certainty that if someone told my my doctor I was injecting my methadone and he (reflex kick/no thought) cut my take aways/take homes I would be back on the street working for my addiction like in my twenties - so much worse now I am 40...what do YOU think?
Posted by Serene Selene at 10:51 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Google Buzz Links to this post
Labels: addiction, drugs, injection, methadone
Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Polyethylene
Polyethylene by Radiohead, both parts but part two in particular, is an epic rock song. The sort of music that becomes the soundtrack to your life. The riff you hear as you go about the tragedy of your everyday movements; the groove of the same rituals masking pain and self-doubt....the emotional twisting of relationships as they rip at your emotional being - the excruciating soul-examination and the journey of pain into the light.
This is songwriting at it's height. It's not just about the melody or the chord progression - it goes beyond that: This song demonstrates the imagery and intuitive power of music at it's best.





It's 3am in the morning,, like Eminem's song. I've finished the last of the cask of cheap white wine that I bought from the local liquor shop yesterday (the owner trusts me and gave three dollars credit on a ten dollar cask) - four litres drunk in two days: not good.

But somehow I can't live life straight. I get too bored too easily if there isn't a drug of some sort in my body affecting my mind. Yes I'm junky, I admit it - how can I do otherwise?
At 9am I have my dose at the pharmacy that dispenses my methadone (I call it my 'swallow') and I pick up two bottles - two bottles containing two days worth of doses. One of them goes to my partner, my husband. The other one I get to ingest in the manner of my choosing, my preferred way. Really, there's nothing that gets me up in the morning except the expectation of a hit of methadone, and the pleasure and peace of mind and body that will bring. Alcohol is just a side addiction.



The above picture is accurate in so far as the size of the barrel used and most definitely the colour of the 'done (which is not green like in the former picture, although there is a brand that comes in pink). The glass bottle pictured was used by dispensers for take aways (or for the benefit of Americans "take-homes") until just a few years ago. Then inadvertently they were all replaced by plastic bottles, of which I will post a picture whenever I take it of my current take away bottle.
I tend to get rid of all shooting equipment as soon as possible, always exchanging the used wrappers in a plastic bag and the syringes and needles in sharp-safes to the workers who deliver fresh supplies right to our doorstep when I call them. The Australian Needle Exchange Program has saved my life - I am sure that was I forced to share needles I would have acquired HIV and most probably suffered a horrendous and protracted death by now. Thank the world of good that some strong and far-sighted politicians could see their way to insist on doing the right thing in the wake of the AIDS epidemic in the mid to late eighties.

I'll probably have to shoot my 'done up in the public toilets tomorrow morning (which is in a few hours) so that I feel well enough to do the shopping. I am almost certain that if I return to the house to inject my dose I will find it just a little more than difficult to leave again to perform the necessary grocery acquisitions. It's not too bad a public toilet (it even has a sharps disposal container affixed to one wall) but it lacks any sort of platform one could use for the multiple syringes necessary for preparation to be injected sequentially. I have to divide a 22ml dose into 5ml barrels because the goddamn government decided any syringe barrels larger than that (such as the 10mg and 20mg barrels I used to use) would no longer be dispensed by needle exchanges as of a few years ago. As usual the motive of prevention never achieves its aim only making things harder for the people addicted such as myself. It takes more than 5 barrels because it is necessary to dilute the methadone syrup's viscosity. The trusted NUAA (Users & AIDS Assoc), a grassroots drug users' support, information and advocacy group in Sydney, published that injectors of syrup should dilute the 'done 1:1 with water, but that's just too ridiculous. At 3:2 syrup to water my entire dose requires the use of eight separate barrels, and that's already more than enough for me.
I doubt I'll get stoned tomorrow - it took both 120mg/22ml take away doses injected on top of a 120mg swallow at the pharmacist's on Saturday for me to get nodding - so the best I can hope for tomorrow is to be comfortable. I'll placate myself with a bottle of the cheap version of Malibu - a beautiful coconut flavoured liqueur that can be mixed with anything from soft drink to milk and cream and tastes great - there's three varieties: Bombora, Rumba, and Coconut Island.
I'm going to get a few hours sleep now, before jumping up and getting dressed quickly (because it's becoming a tad colder now that winter is almost here) at eight thirty am to get my precious amber fluid.
I am hurting. I am hating. Why should I care what anyone thinks..I am hurting so much and why should anyone care.

I know my partner loves his drugs more than me, as do I. I must learn that I need no-one else to survive - even right from the beginning,, when I was so young, so young.
For years now, the people in my life have been telling me I need to grow up and figure out what my priorities are. And to be honest, I thought I did have my priorities straight. Sure I was having some fun on the side that was far from being legal, but in my eyes I had that aspect of my life under control. But, I was wrong. Instead of having things and people be a part of my life, I always ended up having the things I enjoy become my life. Living everyday for those things and people, rather than along side them.
I woke up this morning feeling different than when I went to bed. I'm not sure which corner of my mind I ventured into last night, but I feel confident now. I feel like my own desires should not be effected by the desires of other people.
I'm trying to figure out the right words to describe what's going on in my head but I just can't...
I'll write more later..
In the mean time, I'm gonna try and put this feeling into words...
Eight days ago, I brought home a seven-and-a-half week old Blue Nose Pitbull puppy, that owned my heart from the second I laid eyes on him.
The first week has been exactly what I expected. Sleepless, stressful, dirty...but to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite the sleep loss, and all the bad, it's already been a very rewarding week. In just eight days, he's grown a lot. At first I was a bit concerned that I was holding him too much and only making my job of training him later on, harder. But a friend assured me that it was okay and that I needed to enjoy being able to let him do things like fall asleep on my belly while I could, because just like any other baby, they do grow up very fast.
One of the things that sticks out to me the most about this first week is that I have already taught him his first and second commands. The first being 'sit' and the second being 'come'.
Its the little things that means the most.
I would like to purchase some Etaqualone. I have read about purchases on posts on bluelight. How can I get some. please reply if you have any current knowledge. I believe that they would help me relax.
Please respond to [email protected]
thank you
Robert
Although most people say they do not like the Dramamine trip.. I have to disagree. People respond differently to any drug. For me, it has come to the point of an "almost every day" trip. I would occasionally do it.. then every weekend... then.. everyday. It's almost like I am dependent on it. The mild trip for me is only 6 - 12 pills. I have to take at least 30 or more for a decent all out trip. The most I have took is 40.. and I dare not do that again. Though now, I itch all over if I don't have my drams for the day, or evening, whichever.

It makes it extremely difficult to walk, speak, think, you think you have to pee.. but you go and there is nothing. Tremors, dry mouth, confusion, etc. Your heart beats a mile a minute and you suddenly think your heart is going to explode, thus causing panic plus a bad trip... and a possible trip to the hospital.

I keep myself calm by doing word search puzzles, take hot baths, watch tv, or listen to music. When I go to draw the bath... the faucet will start playing music and banjos or even like a radio talk show. Which is interesting.. When I do my word searches, the letters come out in 3-D. You may try to start a conversation, but forget what you were talking about in the process, or you think you're talking to someone, but your not. Your lips may move... but nothing comes out. You'll want to stretch your legs, your jaw will feel heavy. Sometimes, you will assume you are smoking a cigarette but it really isn't there, or it just disappears when you try to put it out.

If you plan on taking a bottle (12). Just relax. If you plan on taking more... I am going to say that everything becomes easier to hear.. which leads to a lot of irritating noises, that are real, but appear to be extremely loud! I would also suggest you do it during the early afternoon, or morning. If you take it around the evening hours.. you will be up all night. You may not be able to eat anything, smoke... Get a glass of water as soon as you start to feel the effects. It helps a lot. Cigarettes may taste bad after you're done tripping. Aftertaste is horrible.

Make sure that someone is there with you to make sure you get safely from place to place in the house. STAY INSIDE!!! If you think you can't handle it once started... don't panic. GO TO BED!!! (if you can). One more point of advice.. DO NOT GET INTO A CAR!! Even when you aren't the one driving.

I was driving down an interstate with my ex sitting next to me... he was trippin HARD.. and all of a sudden, opened the car door and almost stepped out going 75 mph with a semi behind me!

So! If you're going to experiment, or do more than you have before.. keep all this in mind and stay safe in your own home.
There's a Winter potluck for work coming up soon. Traditionally at a potluck, everyone who attends brings some kind of HOMEMADE food item and shares it as a group meal. So, almost always, it's something each person makes themselves. But for me, this does not work.

I can't co0ok. In fact, I'm dangerous in the kitchen. For example, one time, I wanted to cook a steak. It went badly. I started a fire and burned my chest and foot while trying to fry the steak in a pan of olive oil. (I used olive oil because I had heard that it is good for you, and as a bonus for a college student with little money, the deli next door to where I lived sold large cans of olive oil for an economical price.) The pan was filled to the top (because the steak caused it to start to overflow when I put it in the HOT oil). Oil started crackling and hot drops were spattering out of the pan and onto my bare arms and hands. The oil started smoking, so I tried to take it off the burner to prevent a fire. Smoking oil sloshed out of the overflowing pan and onto my chest, my foot, the stove, the burner and caught fire. Another time, I gave myself explosive diarrhea after trying to make a kind of barley/yak butter snack. (A Tibetan monk I knew had turned me onto it and said it was easy to make.) So, I've realized long ago that it's better for me to not even try and to leave it to the professionals. I try to make sure my apartment is next to a deli or restaurant.

The last potluck I went to, my gf made something. Somosas, I think they were called. Before that, I faked it. I bought some potato salad from the deli next door. I dumped it all out of the container it came in so nobody would see the deli's label and know for sure that I had bought it. HTen i put it in a plastic Rubbermade (like tupperware) container. It was good. I got lots of complemetns on that one. The deli was owned by a Lebanese family.

I don't live any where near a deli anymore and my gf is out of town (I'm loving the peace and quiet.). So, I'm trying to think of what to bring. OK, I thought of somethign so simple, even I can make this. Years ago, I went to a club and they were playing short films. One was a series of parody home cooking shows for inept people. The recipes were very simple. The firwst dish was called "Pickle Surprise." Where's the pickle? That was the surprise. YUCK. Scratch that one. Another, and this one is promissing, was titled "Strawberry Shortcut." I'ts simple. Basically, you buy a shortcake from a grocery store and put it in a big tupperware container so it looks homemade and the container won't leak. Then you pour a can of 7UP over it. Then put a container of Cool Whip (whipcream) and strawberries on top. YUM. I'm ready to go!
______
edit
On second thought, maybe I should find a deli.
Prelude: 4 entries ago I mentioned I had just returned to the Philippines,from Guinea in West-Central Africa, and then began meandering into a description of a bout of morphine withdrawal and a current update of my lovelife.

It was actually a year ago that I received an email from 1 of my cousins asking if I felt like making some fast money. Now, if you have read enough of my entries you will understand the thoughts such a question might produce. I have a cousin in the US "Witness Protection Program [sic]" (Shlomo Dwek)for making fast cash, have a 2nd doing "Life" in a US Prison (Harold Ackerman) for doin that in a different manner and I myself served 3 years in a US prison for trying to do the same. I am at a point in myife where I am more than secure financially and yet, in my culture family is everything and it is quite difficult to refuse even a muted appeal. I decided to listen to what my cousin had to say.

My cousin began by talking about the Morroccan branch of our family. My father is a "Syrian Jew" (or was since he passed away about a decade ago). The term "Syrian" is a bit misleading though. It covers Lebanon, Jordan, the "Palestinian Territories" as well as pre-Statehood Israel. As I have said quite often, my ancestral home is in the city of Hebron in the so-called "West Bank" ("Palestinian Territory"). Like many Jewish families who never left the region (known as "Mizrachi" Jews, or, "Eastern" Jews), ours inter-married very heavily with "Sephardi" Jews.

The word "Sephardi," or as it is usally said in English,"Sephardic," means "Spanish" and relates to the Jews exiled from the Iberian Peninsula (Spain and Portugal) and the Baleric Islands (big up to "Ibiza"). In 1492 CE/AD the Spanish Monarchy, at the behest of the Spanish Inquisition, ordered all Jews who refused to convert to Catholicism out of Spain (though its dependancies and Portugal came a few years later). A flood of Sephardi Jews made their way into North Africa and the Ottoman Empire. My mum's family made their way from Spain into the northwest corner of the Ottoman Empire, a small Eastern European region known as Bessarabia, a land now comprising the eastern portion of Moldova, an independant nation next to Rumania.

A portion of my father's family migrated into Morrocco, just a hop from Spain, where a branch remained, and the rest returned to our homeland and heavily intermarried with those in Hebron. Of the Morroccan branch I have a cousin, Shlomo Ben Ami, who went into politics with the Labor Party and eventually became the Foreign Minister of Israel (for Americans that would be "Secretary of State"). Of course that was decades ago and so my cousin has looked for other ways in which to butter his bread. All nations have key industries that they tend to concentrate on and in Israel one of those areas of expertise is Defence and Counter Terrorism. As a man with contacts at the highest level of government, my cousin naturally gravitated towards Defence and Security Consulting.

Cousin Shlomo's business dealings led him into a consortium who hoped to use such consultancy as a way in which to more easily wrangle very valuable timber and mining concessions in 4 West African Nations. 1 of those 4 nations was Guinea. Guinea is a tiny animist and Christian Nation sandwiched between mostly Muslim Nations. This works towards the Israeli advantage geopolitically. At the end of 2008 two officers in the Guinean Army launched a bloody coup and seized power, instability breeds great business opportunities.

The 2 officers, Capt. Moussa Dadis Camara and Col.Sekouba Konate formed a junta comprised mostly of their loyalist clique from their former army installation, Camp Alpha Yaya Diallo in the capitol city, Conakry. Almost from get the junta wasn't well received abroad and with few options the nation became, according to some, a narco-state since it became a major transhipment point for cocaine being brought into Western Europe. Within a year this tiny shithole became a Laundering centre as well.

By 2009 with Sanctions looming the junta desperately tried to consolidate its hold over the nation (Sanctions almost always spark insurgency) as well as wanting to up its democracy quotient if at all possible. The Israeli consortium was basically only concerned with siphoning off quick profits via tenders in mining and logging as I mentioned. Extending the shelf life of the junta would allow longer siphoning, enter my cousin.

By the time I received that Email in November of 2009 my cousin had been involved for 3 months. He had contracted through his consultancy to train the junta's civil service in liberally democratic statecraft. He was next trying to put together a military package as well. I was asked to undertake very basic Infantry and Internal Security Modules at the Brigade Level, on an 8 month contract. By late December that package coallesced and I began making plans to travel home to Israel where I would cram for a month and then head into Guinea.

By the end of Janurary the Israeli Government had learned of the operation and had it targetted for running afoul of Military Export Regs. My genius of a cousin had only received authourisation to take a reading of the Guineans' needs and to talk in very general terms about what he could provide. He wasn't even permitted to price it, much less ink contracts. Luckily my involvement didn't even warrant a subpoena.

By April of this year things had changed. Back in December of 2009 as I began preparing my involvement a disgrunteled Army Junior Officer, Aboubakar Sidiki "Toumba" Diakite took his 9MM and put a bullet in the back of Camara's head, causing Camara to flee to Burkina Faso, a neighbouring nation. The issue that caused it was a massacre of women and children in the capitol's football stadium that had taken place in September (just as my cousin became involved).

The pendulun began swinging away from the junta and towards a man named Alpha Conde. Conde hates Israel because of what he perceived as our support of the junta. He began running around talking about Israeli Mercenaries but was soon "straightened out." After Conde calmed down the Israeli Government approved a modified package to safeguard a trasitional phase towards non-military rule. My job was still the same but with different personnel. The political facet was applied across the board and included equal attention to Conde's people.

In the end, after nearly dissolving into genocide the transition took place. As I was flying out of the country there were etnic flareups all over the city but things seem to have calmed down with Conde now on top.

Personally I wasn't too happy there, West Africa isn't my cup of tea. I had spent time in other regional nations but nothing there appeals to me, though Senegal has great seafood. I had to rely on a cousin to bring me fentanyl patches without which I would have been up shit's creek as the saying goes. A tonne of cannabis and nearly pure coke but neither floats my proverbial boat.

Ahhh, the character count...(Edited for spelling)
A friend rang me this morning at 9.30 looking for a lift so he could get sorted so i spent the day on a wild goose chase ! As i'm driving him around i just thought to myself "what the hell ?" Just give it up man ! I felt i was doing good so this was the last i needed or wanted :( So of course that was it, stuck in my head. I ended up scoring utter crap. I'm really disappointed with myself. Am i that weak ? that as soon as someone calls i have to get it ? No is such a small word but my god it's a very hard word to say :\
I've started to notice those subtle pangs of discomfort that, for me, typically turn into a miserable, angry, self-centered mindset. I can't be having this.

I've been doing very well lately in maintaining a balanced perspective and have been enjoying a sense of inner peace based on acceptance.

My tendencies toward anger have taken a vacation and it has been nice.

So, whats going on that is disrupting this peace that I've consistently had for quite some time?

I'm not really sure but I'm inclined to think that it has to do with impatience and expectations that I put on myself.

I've been exercising everyday and I am showing significant results in gaining muscle and form.

I've been eating healthy to the point where I don't eat for pleasure but simply to keep nutrients in my body. For the most part, I eat quinoa in the morning and then eat leafy greens, apples and proteins throughout the day.

I think I have lost my perspective on realistic progress in my goals. Whatever gains I have received in my attaining my goals just aren't good enough. I want more, faster.

Fuckin' junkie ass mentality creepin' back into my head again I suppose. This time it isn't about the drugs. Its about making up for all that lost time. Trying to catch up to where I think I should be if I hadn't ever used drugs to the extent and frequency that I have.

Shedding this discomfort can be done in two ways (that I can see thus far):

1 - Practicing acceptance and gratitude
2 - Pushing myself harder to keep things moving

Fuck it, why not combine the two?

I picked up a box of nicotine patches and tomorrow is my planned 'quit date'. I fucking HATE smoking. Its time to suffer the pain of withdrawal in order to get myself to where I would like to be.

Just gonna push on through and if folks find me insufferable, well, its only temporary. Its gotta be done so its time to stop fuckin' around with excuses and delay.

Its gonna suck but at least I'll be making an effort to get to that spot where I want to be.

There is no easier, softer way.
so am listenin to the mark eg set from last uprising...the night of my engagement. what a night that was...i am flooded with memories.

as i think back to earlier today i think about how nice it was to just go sit in a cafe and each lunch with a couple of my loved ones....that is my fiance and best friend, i think we need to do this more often. still cant get the shit from the weekend out of my head, in a way i think it was a blessing in disguise, me and ki are growing closer all the time and the bitch that tried to destroy us is finally out of out lives. ye it took an explosion but can only move forward from here, still it hurts that she was a good friend and she manipulated me for months in an attempt to have me to her self. fuck her! i dont need it! we dont need her!....

since i had my implant out all i can think about is how long will it be before i am pregnant. i'm scared but excited. never wanted anything so much in my life. finally i am with someone i want to spend my life with and finishing our family off with a child that is neither his nor mine but ours would just be the icing on the cake....(my god domer is rippin the mic up on this set)...
so here's to the beginning of our new life. i know the parties and drugs have to stop but i like it! i dont want it anymore. i will still attend the major events cos my love for bass is apart of me! i cant turn my back on music..it has been the only constant thing in my life.

right now i am procrastinating....i really need to do some house work but this toothache is no fun. i'm in the zone writing about my life with the music blasting. mentally in my element.
It has officially been 24hrs since i have done a blue and i was feeling alright earlier due to the methadone that i took..but i am starting to really feel the WD's now...especially in my legs..:( AHHHH..I wish this pain would go away...Can't wait for this to be over and finally be sober....
Ok, so today I made my first trip with Opy to the vet.
For the most part he came back with a clean bill of health.
The only problem is that my pup has a hernia. Apparently there are two types of hernias that occur.
I forget the terminology that the doc used, but one needs to be fixed and one doesn't. Unfortunately, Opy has the type that requires surgery...
Grr, looks like I'm picking up some extra shifts at work.

Question concerning the hernia, will moving around and playing kind of rough make it worse?
I'm a bit concerned with people holding him as well. I don't want him to get picked up wrong and then get hurt more.
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