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There's something terribly wrong when I've been really sober for months and months, and life is still so empty that I want to get completely mashed out and escape. Is this why I went to college? Is this life? The only thing I ever think about is money and how to make more of it faster so that I never have to see anyone from my current life ever again. I feel like I haven't found my group yet at age 26 and it's disconcerting. How long have I overstayed my welcome at this job? One or two people disgust me so much that I get physically ill, and nothing they ever do can change that. Should I have quit when I realized this? What will I do for money? Fuck this, fuck all of this.

No, its not a rash
I want to go somewhere, anywhere but here.
I've got this nagging feeling that is pulling me away from everything...........
I just want to get in my car and go........
If I had money, I don't know that I'd be able to control myself.

Man. It is a labor of love keeping my 04 Passat in top running condition. Right now, getting an oil change, brake fluid flush, and fuel injector flush. Total charge is $260. Right now, for me, that is a lot of money. But there's nothing like having the security of a ride that's reliable and fun to drive. A lot of people, like my co-workers, just let their cars get fucked up and then they're like "now what?" Me, I'm obsessive with mine. I listen to the sounds the car makes all the fucking time. I feel which gears are not shifting right (it's an automatic). I always average my gas mileage. I've thought about the economics of having this car during a recession when I'm not making shit for money and don't have shit in my savings. The thing is, before my Acura got stolen and my Dodge was totaled, I had this view of German cars like, "oh, the maintenance is expensive and you'll go broke." You know why that's total bullshit? Because when you fix something on a German car, it's fixed. Whenever I fixed something on the Acura or Dodge, something related would break within the month. And, for some reason, the cost of doing a transmission flush costs twice as much on both of those other cars as it does on the VW. The reason, says the mechanic, is that the VW engine is constructed in a way that makes general maintenance stuff easy as hell to access. He said it's plug and play. Man am I fucking wired and tired.

Isn't Buring out the worst thing? Well for me it is. Now when I start burning out I get very depressed. My high is only for 35 minutes around. and my burn outs last me about 3 hours. It never used to be like this. Does anyone know why this is happening??

Has anyone tried blue moons? they are around and i wanna know if it is worth a try?

1. I hate pancakes unless they're made by my mom. Then all they need is a little bit of butter.

2. I have an extreme phobia of earthworms.

3. I love rain, walking in the rain, and the smell of rain but I avoid being outside when it rains because of the damn worms.

4. When I was 7 I had a pet newt named Harvey. I ended up starving him to death.

5. My mom has 16 siblings and my dad has 9. I have some cousins who are great aunts and some that were just born last year.

6. I took golf lessons but never actually played a game of golf before.

7. My whole extended family and parents are very much into golf. One cousin even married a pro golfer.

8. I'm obsessed with Smurfs.

9. I will only wear shorts to the gym or to bed. I think they're weird otherwise.

10. I'm an extremely private person.

11. I very rarely eat breakfast because I'm never really hungry when I first wake up.

12. I like all fruits and veggies I've tried except cranberries and alfalfa sprouts.

13. I was a vegetarian for 14 years.

14. The only time I eat meat now is when I go out to eat. I'm paranoid of getting food poisoning from my own cooking.

15. I got my mom addicted to Facebook.

16. I HATE small talk and avoid it whenever I can.

17. My favorite color is blue.

18. I don't like cooking for just myself but I'm fine with going out to eat by myself.

19. I get motion sickness if I try to read in a moving vehicle.

20. I have a lake in my backyard.

21. I thought windshield was the same as wind chill until I was about 14 years old.

22. I lettered in forensics in high school and was also a member of the video group (lol nerd)

23. I've never seen Jurassic Park and refuse to now though many people have tried to trick me into watching it.

24. I was born in Denver, CO.

25. I have no shame when it comes to asking people if they're gonna eat their pickle.

I've got a old friend on my ass lighting fires for things I do in my own time. I've got someone I love who wants me out of the house. I've got a bunch of close buddies who want to fuck each other in a dick measuring contest, draggin me into their "boxing day" to cover it up. I've got some past who thinks she can tell me what I can do.

Everyone needs to start showing some Peace, some Love, and some Unity. Respect it. Or I'll break your fuckin faces.

For some reason I always make time for my weed. I always think how I never have time to do my schooling or to care for myself. But I have just realized that isnt true, Not one bit. 8) And I think its a little funny. Because all I do is smoke weed, I always make time to smoke weed. Even if it means putting off school work, Cleaning, family and my friends that don't smoke weed. If I could for the rest of my life I would I probably live in the basment With a bag of weed and Some music.... And some art supplies and I'd be happy with just that

Well.. . I was laying in my bed one day, Think what I would be like if I never done drugs. If i'd be a different person, With different views on life. Or less spiritual.

Egotism is the motivation to maintain and enhance favorable views of oneself. Egotism means placing oneself at the center of one's world with no direct concern for others, including those loved or considered as "close", in any other terms by the "egoist".

It is closely related to narcissism, or "loving one's self," and the possible tendency to speak or write of oneself boastfully and at great length. Egotism may coexist with delusions of one's own importance, even at the denial of others. This conceit is a character trait describing a person who acts to gain values in an amount excessively greater than that which he/she gives to others. Egotism is often accomplished by exploiting the altruism, irrationality and ignorance of others, as well as utilizing coercive force and/or fraud.

Egotism differs from both altruism, or acting to gain fewer values than are being given, and egoism, the belief that gaining more values than given is permissible. Various forms of "empirical egoism" can be consistent with egotism, as long as the value of one's own self-benefit is entirely individual. ( ... )

As well as belief that one is superior to others, 'egotism' can also have the somewhat different meaning of excessive talk about oneself.

Etymology

The term "egotism" is derived from the Latin ego, meaning "self" or "I", and -ism, used to denote a philosophy. As such, the term is etymologically related very closely with egoism.

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link

I don't need the best, I just need the best for me.

Pieces tend to fit together as they are meant to.

Sometimes, there are those couple of puzzle pieces that are missing. They'll be found at some point when they are supposed to be found (or maybe not). Until then, we can adapt our perception and interpretation. We can open our closed minds and find that unfinished art beautiful in its 'flawed' and incomplete state.

I no longer need all the pieces to this puzzle. I certainly no longer need to force something that obviously does not fit.

I like the blank spaces in my unfinished puzzle.

My name is: Asclepius.

This morning I was: In bed as usual, trying to Hybernate before I was rudely awoken by my Bladder*shakes Fist*.

I'm afraid of: Standing and Squishing White Gelationous things, like Jello/Albino Slugs by Accident. Im slowly overcoming The Eww factor of Slugs cause they r kinda cute.
Also White Goo that seeps from Insects or their lava. It looks like runny frosting but it would taste like decay I'd imagine? It's so deceptive and Yuuukk!

I dream about: Humans evolving with Compassion.

Have You Ever…

Pictured your crush naked: Well, kinda Imagining the various Sensual pleasures of them rather than just picturing them.
And connecting with them verbally-big one!.

Been in love: Yes

Cried when someone died: Cried when seeing others cry at Funerals.

Lied: Who me? Never, in my life! I swear I didn't!
Honestly, it never even crossed my mind!!! Why would you think that of me!? Read my Lips: I did not or will not ever lie, Believe me!



Flowers or candy: Edible, Candy Flowers- Like in the Wonka Factory!

Scruff or clean shaven: Men- Dont care, whatever suits the person(Actually partial to chest hair but not in a 'David Hasselhoff' kinda way).
Women - Would have thought Evolution would have got rid of it by now. *sigh*

Tall or short: Me? Small to Middlin'.
Others- Dont care.

With The Opposite Sex…

What do you notice first: Vibes/Energy, Body language, Voice/Tone and Facial Expression, Eyes, Smile, Scent(depending on proximity)Body parts.

Last person you slow danced with: D-it was more of a Hug tho.

Worst question to ask: Why is the discharge yellowish brown every time I've been with you?

Which BL'er...

Makes you laugh the most: Alot, cant specify one(Note the cagy Answer lol).

Makes you smile: Nobody in particular. Anybody can make me smile, depending what they say.
Dave's Avatar did, but he removed him

Gives you a funny feeling when you see them:
Uh, havnt seen anyone IRL from BL.

Which is easier talk to, boys or girls: Depends on the person!

Do You Ever…

Sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you: Yes, Mulder from the X-Files....Noooo!
Save IM conversation: No.

Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: Sometimes, to know what it felt like, or to be physically strong. Also, to sneak into locker rooms and snap towls on bums(always wanted to do that)

Cry because of something someone has said: No, I cry because of how I feel.

Pray: Yes but not in the conventional sense.


Have You Ever…

Fallen for your best friend: Yes

Rejected someone: Yes, Sexually but not any other way.

Cheated on someone: Once, Physically, but the relationship was really a platonic one. Dead at that. We were hanging on, Emotional Crutches. Hadnt slept together in the 2 years we were 'together'.
I broke down and told him the next day, I was more of a mess than he was, we really only cared for each other as mates.
Never cheated since.

Been cheated on: Yes

Done something you regretted: Not really, at the time I did but now I see where it fits into the big Pic.

Wanted to die: Often in the past, just thoughts now.


Who Was The Last Person…

You talked to on the phone: D

Hugged: D.

You instant messaged: John

You laughed with: My Mother



Do You…

Colour your hair: Yuppity.

Ever get off the computer: Hello, my name is Asclepius and I am an Internet Addict.

Habla espanol: La Vida Loca Y Reeba Reeba, Underlay, Underlay!(Would love to learn tho!)

Sprechen sie deutsches: God bless you!

Fight with your parents: More heated Debate than Anything.

Have friends you've lost touch with: Alot.

Feel happy: Cant complain ATM

Wish you could fly away... far, far away:
Definitely Sometimes, but I mostly sleep.

Believe in God: Not in the conventional sense. I believe in the idea of what the meaning of the word God means

Could you live without the computer: Could it Live without me!!?!-well could you my love?... who'd charge your battery, who'd wipe the dust from your keys, who'd curse at you when your Slow to download but really regret it after*Strokes*

What's your favourite candy: Chocolate covered HoneyComb! Nom Nom

What's your favourite fruit: Prob Honeydew Melon in Hot Months/Summer and Warm Berries/Rhubarb in Colder Months.

Sunrise or sunset: Both!

What hurts the most, physical pain or emotional pain: Spiritual.

Trust others way too easily: Not anymore.

Are your fingers cold: Toes are.

Coke or pepsi: Neither. Foul, brown Liquid.
Final Questions…

I Want: ATM To get fitter, and keep a healthy sense of self.

I wish: I wish other people well and myself too when I can.

I love: Spirit of life/Nature, My parents, D, Clovis, Learning stuff. The fact I may accumulate new Knowledge/Pespective/Wisdom and a Sense of ease as I get older, hope so?!

I miss: ATM D, thats all Ill let myself miss right now.

I fear: Losing my mind. Not being Understood/ being Hated/Belittled. War.

I hear: I hear a hum of the radiators that just came on and me typing.

I smell: No I do not! YOU SMELL!!!!!!!!

Missed a few days posting over the weekend. But all in all a good weekend. I opened up to my wife somewhat. I think are relationship is better than it was a week or so ago. I am not running away.

I haven't wasted too much time, and have only dabbled in the porn. I have to post only a short note to self because I want to get in the habit of posting.
Life is ok even though I an totally fucked. Now that's not a bad attitude to have today.

Well, yes, I have bought two of the ill-advised pre-made packages: Serenity Now Spearmint, and Vanilla Honey.

Although I tried the Green for three days first, I never encountered a freak-out, unlike when I went back and got the Vanilla Honey after ditching the near-full bag of Spearmint a day prior. Yes, my addictive tendencies definitely experienced some small flourish with these blends...

My freak-out on the Gold occurred at night, the second time I tried it. I remember the first time I tried it and exiting from the highway and having the 'high' just feel off, in terms of relationship to the previous SN bag. But that second night, I had a good 30-40min panic, but, being a Panic Disorder survivor, I've learned to be okay with panicking (I rarely have them these days) when it DOES happen. What freaked me out was that it felt like something was pulling down on my heart and lung system, making me slow down while my heart was racing, and felt like something trying to "smother me".

Now, of course, that sounds horrible. But I came back around the following morning, only taking 1 hit, not holding it over 2 seconds. The high was a little ringy, but nothing compared to the freak-out one.

Then, a strange thing happened, it began to feel almost identical to the Spearmint bag, although I was taking only 1 hit instead of 2 like I always did with the first. This 'high' is great, this portion of the blend high. It lasts 5-7 hours and is definitely smooth sailing. I'd say it combines the effects of two of my favorites: marijuana and opiates. It just feels like a cleaner, more consistent vibe than is associated with marijuana, this from someone who really really respects marijuana.

But, there's other bad stuff I noticed. I did get fleeting headaches that seemed to zing only for 5-10 minutes, but were quite strong and more reminiscent of migraine pain than headache. Also, my lungs feel so gross the day after smoking. I mean, I notice it later in the day too, I should say. Like a bad vibe, plastic feeling in lungs.

Even DMT, which coats the lungs a lot, especially when accidentally burned, seemed to at least move around inside my lungs. This shit just seems to sit and stay put.

Dunno, but, just about a week, I'll be prepared for another round of random Urine Analysis screens with now-clean pee. Then, it's back to old:

MARY JANE

Most pain is short, but not heart break. It comes in waves. Gone some days, and destroying you the next. It makes you shy of the water, and fearful of things you didn't see before. It's not likely to kill you, but there is a chance. You can control this though. It just takes concentration.

i'm all quesy in my stomach from being so excited!

Last night was one of the most profound experiences I'd ever had with LSD.
I still consider myself to be realitively new to acid but last night I found myself acting as the trip sitter for someones first ever trip.
In order for you to understand the feeling I had you have to first understand this girl.
She is a cheerleader at the high school I just graduated from.
Based on previous discussions with her I assumed she was more experienced with drugs than she really was, so I felt that it was ok to give her half a dose of This magnificent LSD I had gotten my hands on.
Half dose taken, we wait and she isn't feeling it after about 1 hour, but at this point I'm 2 tabs in so I know it's pretty decent, so I figure, it's ok to give her the other half of the tab.
Thirty minutes after that, all hell breaks loose.
Both halves hit her at once.
It turns put this girl has only ever smoked pot but a few times, so she's freaking out, she has no ode what she's feeling, but I can't sit there and explain it to her because we are with my little sister, who has no idea what's going on, while me and this girl are sitting there laughing as if...we were trippin.
I'm sitting there text messaging her trying to explain everything that she's feeling but she has no idea what I'm talking about because she is trippin out of her mind.
All the while that this is going on, the weather outside is going crazy.
Super heavy rain, some thunder.
The works.
We even got her to run around in the rain for a minute.
Which I must say is an experience all it's own.
Racing through the bullets of water through that crisp air at only comes with a rain like this.
And mind you, my sister who is as sober as a bird, with no clue what is going on, is running through the rain with her.
And then, eventually, the weather started to calm and so did cheerleader. I then tell her that I have more if she's interested because she seems ok to take another one. She asks for one So, being in a tripped state of mind, I say "Ah sure why not? It can't get worse"
And, well I soon learned, as has anyone else who has ever said "It cant get worse", that it definitely can get worse.
She doses and goes to sit in the room with my sister and talk, shoot I don't know what girls do together in a room. Especially if they're related to me.

It had to have been an hour that they were in the room together and this poor girl is now in a world that is completely different from where she started this journey. And she is still texting me, but by now all that's coming from her is what she sees in this room, which, to be honest, is a bit scary even sober..what with the light purple walls, and cartoon flowers..and strange lighting.. The room is just not fun to be in.
All she is sending me is things like this:
-Ahh have you ever seen the flowers in here?! They're scaring me..

She tells me she feels trapped in there, like she just wats to get up and move, or as she put it, "Explode".
I tell her its fine it's just the body high, and keep in mind we are still only texting. So what I'm trying to say is just not getting across to her because she can't see that I'm very calm, just taking in the trip.
Since shes feeling trapped I tell her to just come out to the living room, and to put on a movie, that way my sister really doesn't question what is going on or why she is trying to return to this place she feels is a safety zone.
We end up turning on Finding Nemo because I feel like it'd be a fun thing to watch whilst trippin.about now the weather is calming outside, still drizzling enough for us to hear the water hitting the street outside, so that we feel emersed in this fantastic Pixar movie we're watching.
It's probably about three on the morning at the point where my sister says she is going to bed and offers cheerleader the same opportunity. She says she wants to finish the movie so that she could stay out in this safe-zone so she could talk to me about what she was feeling and what this drug was.
At one point she was actually crying saying "I just want it to be over"
I tell her to relax, it is just a drug it will be over soon.
This little bit seems to calm her down to the point sheer I can actually talk to her and explain how these tiny little pieces of paper could make her feel all that she is feeling.
We start talking about the trip itself and lots of other things-I won't say what because I want to keep at least some of this trip to myself- and she feels like so many things make sense just because she's on this drug she has almost no prior knowledge of other an what she has been tossed into by this guy that thought she was more experienced than she actually was, had just thrown her into.
Let me just say, would never give this drug to anyone I didn't think was able to handle it.


Now, it's around 5:30am, running on no sleep, and I convince cheerleader to go have a look at the sky.
Clam as can be above my house, but clouds, as if we were in the eye of a storm, built up miles away.
Beautiful it is giving me chills just thinking about what we saw. After that we go back inside and talk more, and the topic of her friend driving her on this stuff comes up and she gets understandably upset with the fact that dumb-kid endangered the lives of cheerleader, cheerleader's friend, dumb-kid's little brother and himself.
About now the sun has come up some more and is playing with the clouds and colors of the sky in ways I've never seen before. Breath taking to say the least. Again, I'm getting chills just thinking about it.
After that, I go get in the shower, and head off to work, leaving her in her safe haven that is my living room, on the couch that I am sitting on, typing this story about our time together last night.
Above all else, what sticks with me the most is the feeling that I got from teaching her what this drug is and the discussions that I'm keeping to myself.
Its a feeling of easiness with everything that is going on around me.

The Food and Drug Administration has recently decided to pull Darvon and Darvocet from the market, citing propoxyphene causes serious, sometimes fatal, heart abnormalities.

I find Propoxyphene to be a weak painkiller. In one tablet of Darvocet-N there is 100mg Propoxyphene and 650mg of Acetaminophen - as we all know it doesn't take much to overdose on Tylenol.

There have been attempts, some successful, over the years for the demise of Darvocet, but somehow it managed to keep coming back. Now-whose to tell?

With Darvocet there is less a painkiller and more a toxic one. A bit scary physicians prescribe something that will kill you all because they are scared to dispense something that will kill the pain.

Between April 2009 and March of this year 14,000 prescriptions for Methadone have beenwritten off by doctors in Swindon (UK).

hi, my boyfriend and i have been reoccuring heroin users for the past year. we both got clean in april, but began using again in august. we have used everyday since then up to a couple days ago. we are on our fourth day of withdrawing and feel completely fine surprisingly. we get anxious, restless legs at night, and insomia. we have used kpins a couple times to help us sleep/take off the edge. so my question is, is it okay to use herion for a day or two right now or will we start from the beginning of our withdraws again? please let me know asap, thank you.

Battle of Thermopylae
Deployed 5,200 to 300,000 ish
Lost 2,000 to 20,000
10 to 1

6 Day war
Deployed 100,000 to 240,000
Lost 983 to 23,500
24 to 1

Battle of Mogadishu
Deployed 160 to 4,000
Lost 20 to 3,000
150 to 1

Scared the shit out of myself

Light from the sun was coming through some trees, and through my window on to my shirt. I was reading something online and I thought I had seen smoke come off my shirt and immediately thought somehow I had caught fire.

I quickly hit/patted myself where my imaginary fire was and upon realizing there was no fire, just the image of light moving with the breeze and the trees, I lol'd.

-sirbutton

Happy Birthday!
I got you a cake!! (ignore the Liz but)

Budgetary concerns have finally hit me where it matters most: my choice of PC. Until now, my PC purchases have been parallel to the mindset of the guy at Best Buy who is loading a 60" plasma tv into the back of a beat up pick up truck filled with teenage kids and a wife. In other words, I could be eating tuna out of the can with a spoon but still be able to turn anti-aliasing all the way up.

Alas, gone are the days of $80 keyboards - at least temporarily. After having sold three systems, two of which were Asus gaming laptops that never ran hot and the third being an HP tower with specs that absolutely make me cry now that it's gone, I've realized that my system purchases need to have more function for what I pay for them - especially if I might need to sell them for an incredible discount during desperate times.

A little less than two months ago I purchased a used HP for $140. It came with a Pentium 4 and an older LCD monitor. The purpose of this purchase was to run Netflix on my TV while doing other stuff (like creating labor-intensive photoshops of President Obama doing extremely offensive things with our beautiful, pure white women). I spent $130 on upgrades, and my final specs are as follows:

Pentium 4 HT 2.8 GHZ (Stock)
2.5 GB Ram (Upgrade)
PCI Geforce 5200 256 MB Dual VGA Graphics Card (Upgrade for dual monitors)
3 Port 6-Pin Firewire PCI adapter (Upgrade for access to 1 TB Firewire external drive)
60 GB Internal HDD (Stock)
Kingston External Multi-Card Reader (Upgrade)
Wireless Keyboard and Laser Mouse Combo (Upgrade)
Logitech S-220 2.1 Speakers (Upgrade)
Diamond 7.1 Sound Card (Upgrade)
Windows XP Professional (Stock)

Total Cost: $270 (including original PC and monitor)

I understand that for $100 more, or better yet $200 more I could have gotten a Core2Duo system new, and maybe a monitor from Dell, but it wouldn't have included the extra firewire ports or a dual monitor setup. While the specs are not very strong, I had a vision of my pc monitor on one side of the room and my lcd tv on the other side - the former for general tasks and the latter for movies. Typically, when building a system, I find that costs are underestimated - things like wireless keyboards, speakers, multi-card readers, etc are sort of ignored as part of the cost of a competent system. The Ram and cpu numbers get all the attention, as if that were the only functional part of the system worth paying for. Speakers, firewire upgrades, etc. are like incidentals swept under a rug when it comes to filling in the balance sheet.

These things need to be included, however, because they are just as much a cost of having a fully functional and completely compatible PC as anything else, and most manufacturers leave them out on budget system simply because people who "just need a computer" control the budget arena and do not demand these simple extra perks.

So, for eight years I have lived away from my parents.
Eight years.
Growing up my father wasn't around more than he was.
My mother said today, that they are moving up here.
They will be moving.up.here.

On the one hand, this makes me happy- I will be near my parents, get to spend time with them........
On the other hand, I am scared- My parents and I are very different and have had MANY MANY issues.
Last time I was in therapy I told my therapist I was worried I'd be asked to go visit for Christmas and wasnt sure if I could do it (emotionally)-
NOW they're gonna be LIVING HERE!
I'm trying to be positive- especially since my husband is VERY VERY negative about it. Its making me even more worried, even more scared and even more depressed about it............
I just don't know what to think.
Miles made things easier.