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Listening to: Sexgang Children mix (early 1980s postpunk/Batcave sound)

There's a Winter potluck for work coming up soon. Traditionally at a potluck, everyone who attends brings some kind of HOMEMADE food item and shares it as a group meal. So, almost always, it's something each person makes themselves. But for me, this does not work.

I can't co0ok. In fact, I'm dangerous in the kitchen. For example, one time, I wanted to cook a steak. It went badly. I started a fire and burned my chest and foot while trying to fry the steak in a pan of olive oil. (I used olive oil because I had heard that it is good for you, and as a bonus for a college student with little money, the deli next door to where I lived sold large cans of olive oil for an economical price.) I had filled a large frying pan to the top (with olive oil) and turned the burner on high. Adding the steak caused it to overflow. Not only that, but when I put the steak into the HOT oil, the oil started crackling and hot drops spattered out of the pan and onto my bare arms and hands. Then, the pan of oil started smoking, so I tried to take it off the burner to prevent a fire. In my panic, I had jerked the pan away, and smoking oil sloshed out of the overflowing pan and onto my chest, my foot, the stove, the burner and caught fire. Another time, I gave myself explosive diarrhea after trying to make a kind of barley/yak butter snack. (A Tibetan monk I knew had turned me onto it and said it was easy to make.) So, after these and many other failed attempts at cooking, I've realized that it's better for me to not even try and to leave it to the professionals. In the years since then, for food, I have tried to make sure my apartment is next to a deli or restaurant.

The last potluck I went to, my gf made something. Somosas, I think they were called. Before that, I faked it. I bought some potato salad from the deli next door. I dumped it all out of the container it came in so nobody would see the deli's label and know for sure that I had bought it. HTen i put it in a plastic Rubbermade (like tupperware) container. It was good. I got lots of complemetns on that one, and I never let the cat out of the bag. The deli was owned by a Lebanese family.

I don't live any where near a deli anymore and my gf is out of town (I'm loving the peace and quiet.). So, I'm trying to think of what to bring. OK, I thought of somethign so simple, even I can make this. Years ago, I went to a club and they were playing short films. One was a series of parody home cooking shows for inept people. The recipes were very simple. The firwst dish was called "Pickle Surprise." Where's the pickle? That was the surprise. YUCK. Scratch that one. Another, and this one is promissing, was titled "Strawberry Shortcut." I'ts simple. Basically, you buy a shortcake from a grocery store and put it in a big tupperware container so it looks homemade and the container won't leak. Then you pour a can of 7UP over it. Then put a container of Cool Whip (whipcream) and strawberries on top. Maybe. Or, on second thought, maybe I should find a deli. I don't know what to do.

There's more to it than just going to the chemist every day
Hey!

Welcome kids to the 101 education centre about drugs! Honestly, if kids learnt even a vetted corner of what I'm writing it would stand them in could stead - INstead they have to work it out all alone.

I have no network, no "Higher Power" - no nothing to aid me in my message...all I can hope is that a few conscientious people may read and learn from one (my) person's experience, and either help themselves or help others. That is almost the whole reason I'm trying to do this. The final reason is because I need to save myself.

At the moment this is the situation of THIS current drug addict:
I am on 110mg per day of methadone - I have to - HAVE TO - hit it or I would be on the streets looking for heroin...see, I'm addicted to hitting (injecting) as much as the drug, if not more. I collect from my neighbourhood pharmacist who treats all their methadone clients like shit (no exceptions).

I can say for a certainty that if someone told my my doctor I was injecting my methadone and he (reflex kick/no thought) cut my take aways/take homes I would be back on the street working for my addiction like in my twenties - so much worse now I am 40...what do YOU think?
Posted by Serene Selene at 10:51 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Google Buzz Links to this post
Labels: addiction, drugs, injection, methadone
Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Polyethylene
Polyethylene by Radiohead, both parts but part two in particular, is an epic rock song. The sort of music that becomes the soundtrack to your life. The riff you hear as you go about the tragedy of your everyday movements; the groove of the same rituals masking pain and self-doubt....the emotional twisting of relationships as they rip at your emotional being - the excruciating soul-examination and the journey of pain into the light.
This is songwriting at it's height. It's not just about the melody or the chord progression - it goes beyond that: This song demonstrates the imagery and intuitive power of music at it's best.





It's 3am in the morning,, like Eminem's song. I've finished the last of the cask of cheap white wine that I bought from the local liquor shop yesterday (the owner trusts me and gave three dollars credit on a ten dollar cask) - four litres drunk in two days: not good.

But somehow I can't live life straight. I get too bored too easily if there isn't a drug of some sort in my body affecting my mind. Yes I'm junky, I admit it - how can I do otherwise?
At 9am I have my dose at the pharmacy that dispenses my methadone (I call it my 'swallow') and I pick up two bottles - two bottles containing two days worth of doses. One of them goes to my partner, my husband. The other one I get to ingest in the manner of my choosing, my preferred way. Really, there's nothing that gets me up in the morning except the expectation of a hit of methadone, and the pleasure and peace of mind and body that will bring. Alcohol is just a side addiction.



The above picture is accurate in so far as the size of the barrel used and most definitely the colour of the 'done (which is not green like in the former picture, although there is a brand that comes in pink). The glass bottle pictured was used by dispensers for take aways (or for the benefit of Americans "take-homes") until just a few years ago. Then inadvertently they were all replaced by plastic bottles, of which I will post a picture whenever I take it of my current take away bottle.
I tend to get rid of all shooting equipment as soon as possible, always exchanging the used wrappers in a plastic bag and the syringes and needles in sharp-safes to the workers who deliver fresh supplies right to our doorstep when I call them. The Australian Needle Exchange Program has saved my life - I am sure that was I forced to share needles I would have acquired HIV and most probably suffered a horrendous and protracted death by now. Thank the world of good that some strong and far-sighted politicians could see their way to insist on doing the right thing in the wake of the AIDS epidemic in the mid to late eighties.

I'll probably have to shoot my 'done up in the public toilets tomorrow morning (which is in a few hours) so that I feel well enough to do the shopping. I am almost certain that if I return to the house to inject my dose I will find it just a little more than difficult to leave again to perform the necessary grocery acquisitions. It's not too bad a public toilet (it even has a sharps disposal container affixed to one wall) but it lacks any sort of platform one could use for the multiple syringes necessary for preparation to be injected sequentially. I have to divide a 22ml dose into 5ml barrels because the goddamn government decided any syringe barrels larger than that (such as the 10mg and 20mg barrels I used to use) would no longer be dispensed by needle exchanges as of a few years ago. As usual the motive of prevention never achieves its aim only making things harder for the people addicted such as myself. It takes more than 5 barrels because it is necessary to dilute the methadone syrup's viscosity. The trusted NUAA (Users & AIDS Assoc), a grassroots drug users' support, information and advocacy group in Sydney, published that injectors of syrup should dilute the 'done 1:1 with water, but that's just too ridiculous. At 3:2 syrup to water my entire dose requires the use of eight separate barrels, and that's already more than enough for me.
I doubt I'll get stoned tomorrow - it took both 120mg/22ml take away doses injected on top of a 120mg swallow at the pharmacist's on Saturday for me to get nodding - so the best I can hope for tomorrow is to be comfortable. I'll placate myself with a bottle of the cheap version of Malibu - a beautiful coconut flavoured liqueur that can be mixed with anything from soft drink to milk and cream and tastes great - there's three varieties: Bombora, Rumba, and Coconut Island.
I'm going to get a few hours sleep now, before jumping up and getting dressed quickly (because it's becoming a tad colder now that winter is almost here) at eight thirty am to get my precious amber fluid.

I am hurting. I am hating. Why should I care what anyone thinks..I am hurting so much and why should anyone care.

I know my partner loves his drugs more than me, as do I. I must learn that I need no-one else to survive - even right from the beginning,, when I was so young, so young.

For years now, the people in my life have been telling me I need to grow up and figure out what my priorities are. And to be honest, I thought I did have my priorities straight. Sure I was having some fun on the side that was far from being legal, but in my eyes I had that aspect of my life under control. But, I was wrong. Instead of having things and people be a part of my life, I always ended up having the things I enjoy become my life. Living everyday for those things and people, rather than along side them.
I woke up this morning feeling different than when I went to bed. I'm not sure which corner of my mind I ventured into last night, but I feel confident now. I feel like my own desires should not be effected by the desires of other people.
I'm trying to figure out the right words to describe what's going on in my head but I just can't...
I'll write more later..
In the mean time, I'm gonna try and put this feeling into words...

Eight days ago, I brought home a seven-and-a-half week old Blue Nose Pitbull puppy, that owned my heart from the second I laid eyes on him.
The first week has been exactly what I expected. Sleepless, stressful, dirty...but to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite the sleep loss, and all the bad, it's already been a very rewarding week. In just eight days, he's grown a lot. At first I was a bit concerned that I was holding him too much and only making my job of training him later on, harder. But a friend assured me that it was okay and that I needed to enjoy being able to let him do things like fall asleep on my belly while I could, because just like any other baby, they do grow up very fast.
One of the things that sticks out to me the most about this first week is that I have already taught him his first and second commands. The first being 'sit' and the second being 'come'.
Its the little things that means the most.

I would like to purchase some Etaqualone. I have read about purchases on posts on bluelight. How can I get some. please reply if you have any current knowledge. I believe that they would help me relax.
Please respond to [email protected]
thank you
Robert

Although most people say they do not like the Dramamine trip.. I have to disagree. People respond differently to any drug. For me, it has come to the point of an "almost every day" trip. I would occasionally do it.. then every weekend... then.. everyday. It's almost like I am dependent on it. The mild trip for me is only 6 - 12 pills. I have to take at least 30 or more for a decent all out trip. The most I have took is 40.. and I dare not do that again. Though now, I itch all over if I don't have my drams for the day, or evening, whichever.

It makes it extremely difficult to walk, speak, think, you think you have to pee.. but you go and there is nothing. Tremors, dry mouth, confusion, etc. Your heart beats a mile a minute and you suddenly think your heart is going to explode, thus causing panic plus a bad trip... and a possible trip to the hospital.

I keep myself calm by doing word search puzzles, take hot baths, watch tv, or listen to music. When I go to draw the bath... the faucet will start playing music and banjos or even like a radio talk show. Which is interesting.. When I do my word searches, the letters come out in 3-D. You may try to start a conversation, but forget what you were talking about in the process, or you think you're talking to someone, but your not. Your lips may move... but nothing comes out. You'll want to stretch your legs, your jaw will feel heavy. Sometimes, you will assume you are smoking a cigarette but it really isn't there, or it just disappears when you try to put it out.

If you plan on taking a bottle (12). Just relax. If you plan on taking more... I am going to say that everything becomes easier to hear.. which leads to a lot of irritating noises, that are real, but appear to be extremely loud! I would also suggest you do it during the early afternoon, or morning. If you take it around the evening hours.. you will be up all night. You may not be able to eat anything, smoke... Get a glass of water as soon as you start to feel the effects. It helps a lot. Cigarettes may taste bad after you're done tripping. Aftertaste is horrible.

Make sure that someone is there with you to make sure you get safely from place to place in the house. STAY INSIDE!!! If you think you can't handle it once started... don't panic. GO TO BED!!! (if you can). One more point of advice.. DO NOT GET INTO A CAR!! Even when you aren't the one driving.

I was driving down an interstate with my ex sitting next to me... he was trippin HARD.. and all of a sudden, opened the car door and almost stepped out going 75 mph with a semi behind me!

So! If you're going to experiment, or do more than you have before.. keep all this in mind and stay safe in your own home.

There's a Winter potluck for work coming up soon. Traditionally at a potluck, everyone who attends brings some kind of HOMEMADE food item and shares it as a group meal. So, almost always, it's something each person makes themselves. But for me, this does not work.

I can't co0ok. In fact, I'm dangerous in the kitchen. For example, one time, I wanted to cook a steak. It went badly. I started a fire and burned my chest and foot while trying to fry the steak in a pan of olive oil. (I used olive oil because I had heard that it is good for you, and as a bonus for a college student with little money, the deli next door to where I lived sold large cans of olive oil for an economical price.) The pan was filled to the top (because the steak caused it to start to overflow when I put it in the HOT oil). Oil started crackling and hot drops were spattering out of the pan and onto my bare arms and hands. The oil started smoking, so I tried to take it off the burner to prevent a fire. Smoking oil sloshed out of the overflowing pan and onto my chest, my foot, the stove, the burner and caught fire. Another time, I gave myself explosive diarrhea after trying to make a kind of barley/yak butter snack. (A Tibetan monk I knew had turned me onto it and said it was easy to make.) So, I've realized long ago that it's better for me to not even try and to leave it to the professionals. I try to make sure my apartment is next to a deli or restaurant.

The last potluck I went to, my gf made something. Somosas, I think they were called. Before that, I faked it. I bought some potato salad from the deli next door. I dumped it all out of the container it came in so nobody would see the deli's label and know for sure that I had bought it. HTen i put it in a plastic Rubbermade (like tupperware) container. It was good. I got lots of complemetns on that one. The deli was owned by a Lebanese family.

I don't live any where near a deli anymore and my gf is out of town (I'm loving the peace and quiet.). So, I'm trying to think of what to bring. OK, I thought of somethign so simple, even I can make this. Years ago, I went to a club and they were playing short films. One was a series of parody home cooking shows for inept people. The recipes were very simple. The firwst dish was called "Pickle Surprise." Where's the pickle? That was the surprise. YUCK. Scratch that one. Another, and this one is promissing, was titled "Strawberry Shortcut." I'ts simple. Basically, you buy a shortcake from a grocery store and put it in a big tupperware container so it looks homemade and the container won't leak. Then you pour a can of 7UP over it. Then put a container of Cool Whip (whipcream) and strawberries on top. YUM. I'm ready to go!
______
edit
On second thought, maybe I should find a deli.

Prelude: 4 entries ago I mentioned I had just returned to the Philippines,from Guinea in West-Central Africa, and then began meandering into a description of a bout of morphine withdrawal and a current update of my lovelife.

It was actually a year ago that I received an email from 1 of my cousins asking if I felt like making some fast money. Now, if you have read enough of my entries you will understand the thoughts such a question might produce. I have a cousin in the US "Witness Protection Program [sic]" (Shlomo Dwek)for making fast cash, have a 2nd doing "Life" in a US Prison (Harold Ackerman) for doin that in a different manner and I myself served 3 years in a US prison for trying to do the same. I am at a point in myife where I am more than secure financially and yet, in my culture family is everything and it is quite difficult to refuse even a muted appeal. I decided to listen to what my cousin had to say.

My cousin began by talking about the Morroccan branch of our family. My father is a "Syrian Jew" (or was since he passed away about a decade ago). The term "Syrian" is a bit misleading though. It covers Lebanon, Jordan, the "Palestinian Territories" as well as pre-Statehood Israel. As I have said quite often, my ancestral home is in the city of Hebron in the so-called "West Bank" ("Palestinian Territory"). Like many Jewish families who never left the region (known as "Mizrachi" Jews, or, "Eastern" Jews), ours inter-married very heavily with "Sephardi" Jews.

The word "Sephardi," or as it is usally said in English,"Sephardic," means "Spanish" and relates to the Jews exiled from the Iberian Peninsula (Spain and Portugal) and the Baleric Islands (big up to "Ibiza"). In 1492 CE/AD the Spanish Monarchy, at the behest of the Spanish Inquisition, ordered all Jews who refused to convert to Catholicism out of Spain (though its dependancies and Portugal came a few years later). A flood of Sephardi Jews made their way into North Africa and the Ottoman Empire. My mum's family made their way from Spain into the northwest corner of the Ottoman Empire, a small Eastern European region known as Bessarabia, a land now comprising the eastern portion of Moldova, an independant nation next to Rumania.

A portion of my father's family migrated into Morrocco, just a hop from Spain, where a branch remained, and the rest returned to our homeland and heavily intermarried with those in Hebron. Of the Morroccan branch I have a cousin, Shlomo Ben Ami, who went into politics with the Labor Party and eventually became the Foreign Minister of Israel (for Americans that would be "Secretary of State"). Of course that was decades ago and so my cousin has looked for other ways in which to butter his bread. All nations have key industries that they tend to concentrate on and in Israel one of those areas of expertise is Defence and Counter Terrorism. As a man with contacts at the highest level of government, my cousin naturally gravitated towards Defence and Security Consulting.

Cousin Shlomo's business dealings led him into a consortium who hoped to use such consultancy as a way in which to more easily wrangle very valuable timber and mining concessions in 4 West African Nations. 1 of those 4 nations was Guinea. Guinea is a tiny animist and Christian Nation sandwiched between mostly Muslim Nations. This works towards the Israeli advantage geopolitically. At the end of 2008 two officers in the Guinean Army launched a bloody coup and seized power, instability breeds great business opportunities.

The 2 officers, Capt. Moussa Dadis Camara and Col.Sekouba Konate formed a junta comprised mostly of their loyalist clique from their former army installation, Camp Alpha Yaya Diallo in the capitol city, Conakry. Almost from get the junta wasn't well received abroad and with few options the nation became, according to some, a narco-state since it became a major transhipment point for cocaine being brought into Western Europe. Within a year this tiny shithole became a Laundering centre as well.

By 2009 with Sanctions looming the junta desperately tried to consolidate its hold over the nation (Sanctions almost always spark insurgency) as well as wanting to up its democracy quotient if at all possible. The Israeli consortium was basically only concerned with siphoning off quick profits via tenders in mining and logging as I mentioned. Extending the shelf life of the junta would allow longer siphoning, enter my cousin.

By the time I received that Email in November of 2009 my cousin had been involved for 3 months. He had contracted through his consultancy to train the junta's civil service in liberally democratic statecraft. He was next trying to put together a military package as well. I was asked to undertake very basic Infantry and Internal Security Modules at the Brigade Level, on an 8 month contract. By late December that package coallesced and I began making plans to travel home to Israel where I would cram for a month and then head into Guinea.

By the end of Janurary the Israeli Government had learned of the operation and had it targetted for running afoul of Military Export Regs. My genius of a cousin had only received authourisation to take a reading of the Guineans' needs and to talk in very general terms about what he could provide. He wasn't even permitted to price it, much less ink contracts. Luckily my involvement didn't even warrant a subpoena.

By April of this year things had changed. Back in December of 2009 as I began preparing my involvement a disgrunteled Army Junior Officer, Aboubakar Sidiki "Toumba" Diakite took his 9MM and put a bullet in the back of Camara's head, causing Camara to flee to Burkina Faso, a neighbouring nation. The issue that caused it was a massacre of women and children in the capitol's football stadium that had taken place in September (just as my cousin became involved).

The pendulun began swinging away from the junta and towards a man named Alpha Conde. Conde hates Israel because of what he perceived as our support of the junta. He began running around talking about Israeli Mercenaries but was soon "straightened out." After Conde calmed down the Israeli Government approved a modified package to safeguard a trasitional phase towards non-military rule. My job was still the same but with different personnel. The political facet was applied across the board and included equal attention to Conde's people.

In the end, after nearly dissolving into genocide the transition took place. As I was flying out of the country there were etnic flareups all over the city but things seem to have calmed down with Conde now on top.

Personally I wasn't too happy there, West Africa isn't my cup of tea. I had spent time in other regional nations but nothing there appeals to me, though Senegal has great seafood. I had to rely on a cousin to bring me fentanyl patches without which I would have been up shit's creek as the saying goes. A tonne of cannabis and nearly pure coke but neither floats my proverbial boat.

Ahhh, the character count...(Edited for spelling)

A friend rang me this morning at 9.30 looking for a lift so he could get sorted so i spent the day on a wild goose chase ! As i'm driving him around i just thought to myself "what the hell ?" Just give it up man ! I felt i was doing good so this was the last i needed or wanted So of course that was it, stuck in my head. I ended up scoring utter crap. I'm really disappointed with myself. Am i that weak ? that as soon as someone calls i have to get it ? No is such a small word but my god it's a very hard word to say

I've started to notice those subtle pangs of discomfort that, for me, typically turn into a miserable, angry, self-centered mindset. I can't be having this.

I've been doing very well lately in maintaining a balanced perspective and have been enjoying a sense of inner peace based on acceptance.

My tendencies toward anger have taken a vacation and it has been nice.

So, whats going on that is disrupting this peace that I've consistently had for quite some time?

I'm not really sure but I'm inclined to think that it has to do with impatience and expectations that I put on myself.

I've been exercising everyday and I am showing significant results in gaining muscle and form.

I've been eating healthy to the point where I don't eat for pleasure but simply to keep nutrients in my body. For the most part, I eat quinoa in the morning and then eat leafy greens, apples and proteins throughout the day.

I think I have lost my perspective on realistic progress in my goals. Whatever gains I have received in my attaining my goals just aren't good enough. I want more, faster.

Fuckin' junkie ass mentality creepin' back into my head again I suppose. This time it isn't about the drugs. Its about making up for all that lost time. Trying to catch up to where I think I should be if I hadn't ever used drugs to the extent and frequency that I have.

Shedding this discomfort can be done in two ways (that I can see thus far):

1 - Practicing acceptance and gratitude
2 - Pushing myself harder to keep things moving

Fuck it, why not combine the two?

I picked up a box of nicotine patches and tomorrow is my planned 'quit date'. I fucking HATE smoking. Its time to suffer the pain of withdrawal in order to get myself to where I would like to be.

Just gonna push on through and if folks find me insufferable, well, its only temporary. Its gotta be done so its time to stop fuckin' around with excuses and delay.

Its gonna suck but at least I'll be making an effort to get to that spot where I want to be.

There is no easier, softer way.

so am listenin to the mark eg set from last uprising...the night of my engagement. what a night that was...i am flooded with memories.

as i think back to earlier today i think about how nice it was to just go sit in a cafe and each lunch with a couple of my loved ones....that is my fiance and best friend, i think we need to do this more often. still cant get the shit from the weekend out of my head, in a way i think it was a blessing in disguise, me and ki are growing closer all the time and the bitch that tried to destroy us is finally out of out lives. ye it took an explosion but can only move forward from here, still it hurts that she was a good friend and she manipulated me for months in an attempt to have me to her self. fuck her! i dont need it! we dont need her!....

since i had my implant out all i can think about is how long will it be before i am pregnant. i'm scared but excited. never wanted anything so much in my life. finally i am with someone i want to spend my life with and finishing our family off with a child that is neither his nor mine but ours would just be the icing on the cake....(my god domer is rippin the mic up on this set)...
so here's to the beginning of our new life. i know the parties and drugs have to stop but i like it! i dont want it anymore. i will still attend the major events cos my love for bass is apart of me! i cant turn my back on music..it has been the only constant thing in my life.

right now i am procrastinating....i really need to do some house work but this toothache is no fun. i'm in the zone writing about my life with the music blasting. mentally in my element.

I'm a bluelighter %)

It has officially been 24hrs since i have done a blue and i was feeling alright earlier due to the methadone that i took..but i am starting to really feel the WD's now...especially in my legs.. AHHHH..I wish this pain would go away...Can't wait for this to be over and finally be sober....

Ok, so today I made my first trip with Opy to the vet.
For the most part he came back with a clean bill of health.
The only problem is that my pup has a hernia. Apparently there are two types of hernias that occur.
I forget the terminology that the doc used, but one needs to be fixed and one doesn't. Unfortunately, Opy has the type that requires surgery...
Grr, looks like I'm picking up some extra shifts at work.

Question concerning the hernia, will moving around and playing kind of rough make it worse?
I'm a bit concerned with people holding him as well. I don't want him to get picked up wrong and then get hurt more.

Well here i am at day 3. I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday, i was super busy I went the whole day yesterday without thinking about gear ! That's a first for me. Today i got a phone call at lunch time to say there was decent stuff there but i said "no thanks" After i put the phone down its all i could think about, my head is wrecked You know before this drought started i never thought i would make it a couple of hours without it let alone days i'm feeling good about it i just don't want anyone to be ringing me telling me its there, i think i need to change my number

I've made it to the 2 month mark on December the 6th, and its getting harder, NOT easier, like it use to!

My boyfriend (now ex) came to me two weeks ago asking for drugs, and I flipped out, I got clean for him, put up with all the pain and bullshit I put up with because of his pyschosis and he just doesn't care anymore, and if he ever gets better, I hope we can remain friends, but in order for me to stop being in pain, I've let go.

I probably sound like a heartless bitch, but my counselor said that the reason I am craving so much now is because subconsciously my brain says "yeah, lets do drugs because he wants to and we'll get closer together again" she is right but there is also the fact that I'm stuck at home with no money and I want to get out and go raving again!

Endless cycle of my life.

Well lets see, is this going to be the start of a new me ? I think so, i'm telling myself that if & when things get back to normal i will NOT go back to smoking every day. I really want to believe in myself its going to be a test. Since the drought i've spent more time with my family, who know nothing about my addiction thank god if they did i would be packed off to rehab straight away I'm doing more things with my beautiful 10yr old daughter, she is really enjoying the time we are spending together Don't get me wrong i'm very much a functional addict, very hands on mother but obviously my addiction does eat into family time. So only time will tell my friends !

The following is my account of getting clean. It's written quite informally and may be a bit hard to read, so I apologise. I may add a bit of background too at some stage and go into more depth of my experience in rehab too. I can say that I was an utterly hopeless junkie, I was destroyed mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and it took me to get to this point before I finally asked for help and went to a 12 step rehab, followed suggestions and continued to do so. I will keep updating this with my progress every few weeks or so.

I would love it if this blog could give someone else in a similar situation I was in some hope. As for me being given hope was the greatest gift I could have ever been given.

My journey

After going up and down on my dosages, researching and trying out loads of different (failed) detoxes/cold turkeys, by the time I went into rehab I was on:

70ml Methadone a day
600mg to 1700mg Heroin a day
1 bottle of wine a day
2 or 3 Blue valiums most days, but not physically hooked on em

I had my last use up, then went into rehab. They gave me 70mg methadone on day 1, then 50mg day 2 then 30mg day 3. No more opiates after this!

They gave me lofexidine on the first 5 days (10, 8, 6, 4, 2), but the first 3 days I was on the methadone anyway so it was pointless really, there was no arguing with the doctos though! They gave me librium for those first 3 days too and a zopiclone on one night after complaining of no sleep for 10 days! Also at one point as well when I was saying to them I was gonna do a runner, they gave me Largactil (chlorpromazine) which actually really helped for about an hour.

It was the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. I was so fucking sick. Lieing in the bathroom puking and shitting, but far more concerned about having massive unbearable physical aches and pains, my legs Killing me, whole skeleton trying to escape my body, pouring in sweat, absolutlely freezing cold, mentally at the absolute limit of unbearableness, can't be even slightly comfortable in any way or form or relax at all. After the puking and shitting stopped, pain feels worse in legs, cant really describe it as pain, but just UNbearable feeling. Like if you were held under water and you get to the stage where you are so desperate for air it's unbearable and stay at that stage forever. Total fucking hell. 100% awake, experiencing all this for 12 days 24 hours a day, not 1 wink of sleep at all in this peroid. Start to get 20mins to 1 hour of sleep after day 12. ABsolutley NO energy, still restless cant sit down, cant stand up, can't lie down. Cold, weak, achey, fluey, emotional, feeling of doom/despair. Eventually after 21 days starts to get a TINY bit better. Getting a bit more sleep, falling asleep about 4am and waking up at 6am in a cold sweat feeling like shit. Slowly the symptoms go away, like really fucking slowly...

All of this knowing with one quick hit in an INSTANT it would all go away!

Fuck me, it was absolute hell. Hardest thing I've ever done. NEVER again!!!!!



41 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.


I am sleeping ok-ish now, but still no energy and a bit achey. Emotionally I don't feel good at all. Very unbalanced. Cannot see myself coping if this is what I am gonna feel like all the time. I am sort of struggling through the days, constantly looking at my watch wanting it to be time to go to bed. I am still in a bit of euphoria though having my feelings back. I have been on extreme highs and lows. Laughing for the first time and crying. Listening to music in a different way, depressed, wanting to use. Just all over the place. But I have faith that if I persist and follow the suggestions given to me I will be OK.




97 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.


Physically I feel fine now and I'm sleeping well. Mentally I am feeling better and better. The last 3 months have been very much ups and downs, more downs than ups, but slowly getting more of a balance. Can't wait to see how I feel after 6 months or a year of being totally clean. Does seem ridiculous I haven't given my body a rest like this in 12 or 13 years!




119 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.


Physically fine, sleep not so good, but I think it's due to living in a noisy hostel. Do seem to get random attacks of lethargy in the afternoons about 4 - 5pm, but perfectly managable! Been through some more ups and downs. No using thoughts that went past the line, learnt a new technique, as all my using thoughts are quite visual, I first of all turn it black and white, then I try to picture it as a photo then let it float away in the wind. Somehow it does help me! Had some moments of high senses of well being, really feeling content, which is a first for years, which is lovely! Laughing more, and feeling more connected to the world and able to connect to people better. I go to meetings, and it is great for my confidence, self esteem, etc, speaking more and more and gaining a nice group of (clean) friends. The low points aren't too bad, as I have now got people I can phone and talk them through. Getting a bit 'bored' sometimes, but I know its because I'm not doing anything, starting some volutary work soon which I think will do me good! Then when 6 months clean I've been given oppurtunity to work in a substance misuse charity, which will be great, as I love helping other addicts! Generally I feel 'ok' most of the time with 1 or 2 times in the week where I feel really good and have good fun and a laugh, and maybe 2 or 3 times where I get a bit depressed, but nothing I can't handle. 4 months clean tomorow, very proud of myself for doing this as I really was what I thought a hopeless case!




5 months 2 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.


It feels like the last time I edited this journal was much longer that a month ago. I have changed so much just in the last month! The ups and downs are much more balanced now. A bad today for me feels like a good day a few months ago! I have had a few little periods of feeling "whats the point" but I feel stronger getting through thm and in general I have a pretty consistent level of 'alrightness'! I have had some moments (glimpses) of pure joy and lots of laughter and happiness, which is just amazing, truly not felt like this is years and years. I am working a recovery program and I attend to group therapy sessions twice a week, a na meeting every day and I now have a sponsor who is an amazing man (25 years clean). I was so so cynical of 12 step groups before i got clean but they really help me and I am very much up for living a life based on spiritual guidelines.

I've started working a couple of 4 hour shifts voluntary at a book and music shop. It was suggested to me in my group therapy. I was like "Why would I want to work for free??" but it really feels good doing it, a new feeling I hadn't experienced before, giving something back, having been a taker all my life. It is great for my structure too. I no longer have that feeling where I am waiting for the day to end. I enjoy my evenings and cherish my time. The big thing for me was being able to have faith in something, even if in my head I felt I could prove it otherwise. Taking on suggestions of people who have experience with what I am going through, without saying "Yeah, but..." has been the best thing I've ever done. All throughout my life I was determined I could do everything by myself and that I knew the answers, finally I was beaten by the drugs into a state of reasonableness and asked for help. Since that day I began such an amazing journey that is the most positive thing I have ever done in my life!

I've also applied to go do a degree next September in 'Mental Health Nursing and Social Work', I have the required UCAS points to get in, so here's hoping. I feel it the perfect course for me, leading to a job that I really feel I would be good in and be able to help people with all sorts of mental health problems including addiction. The NHS pay for the whole thing too which is great. Very excited about this!

If someone had said to me 5 months ago I would be doing what I am doing, feeling the way I am feeling, have the new (clean) friends I now have in my life, have just applied to uni, I would have called them crazy!

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Thanks for reading, I will continue to update this every few weeks or so.



Oh also... Here is a recording of a speaker at a CA meeting I found very inspirational and very powerful. Really helped me on my journey listening to him so I thought I would share it here: http://xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=download&id=785

getting married in 2011.
going to Australia in 2012.
still trying to figure out how to fit in grad school.
adopted a miniature pinscher from the pound, she kicks more butt than bruce campbell.
it's been a good year.

stole this from Spork.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here:
"Judges act as though the rules they live by are the only acceptable ones and that they never change."

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there?
Comfest mug

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Sportscenter

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
11:15p

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 11:24p

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
teevee

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? walking my dog

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Spork's blog

9. What are you wearing?
tshirt and pajama pants

10. Did you dream last night?
yes

11. When did you last laugh?
earlier today

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? illustrations of castles I think, a photo of 76 falls.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
I stopped at a light behind this african american woman earlier in the week. She got out of her old suv and screamed words I couldn't understand and literally spit at my Jeep... then she pointed at me and got back in her SUV and drove off.

14. What do you think of FacebookCraze.com?
I'm not interested in bukkake.

15. What is the last film you saw?
TransSiberian... it sucked.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
more education, many corporate slaves.

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know
i can wiggle my ears independently

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
no more money

19. Do you like to dance?
sho nuff

20. What do you think of the president?
he's burning out

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Nathalia Aristessa

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Simeon Grey

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
no.

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
the band's been waiting for you to rock the cowbell brothermarcus, let's do this thing!

I feel yuk,

All I am doing for the last 3 days is moping around the internet. Getting more and more into the depression.


I hate my wife right now. I know it is hard for her right now, but sometimes and I have told her this, is that sometimes I just need a hug and i can come out of it. But she just leaves me alone. maybe she is scared I will snap and storm out as I used to do.

I wish I had a job. I wish I knew how to go about getting a job. I feel like I have fucked up so much I have no idea where to start.

I have no idea how I can go back behind a bar again and start bartending. I think that would be the end of me so I am going to rule that out straight away.I need a job where i can be my own boss. Where I can feel good about myself. I had a business but it was got with someone who basically set it up for me. And the resentment of the control the person had and the fact that it wasn't my doing made for a disaster. No I don't need to be amazing at business, I just want to feel like I can do something on my own without having to be spoon fed.

I want to man up. I want to try and do something on my own but I am afraid even to start small at anything. Hell even putting something online on ebay is hard for me. I can;t seem to find the motivation. Yet put me behind the bar for someone else and I will guarantee him the best bartender He could have there is me. Until I see myself getting resentful that i am doing everything for someone else and not for myself and giving my best years to someone else. IBut I don't have the balls to go and do what He did. Or worse I don't even know how He did it. Grrrrrrrrr. Why am I such a failure. Oh sure i can feel good about doing stuff, but when I look around me all I see are people who are living life without help.I mean people my age and younger getting on in life, making decisions, etc. who seem to have a handle on life.

Me i think I just went through life in this big drunken haze and later a horrible roller coaster ride of ups and downs mentally from all my using.

Feels good to get this out , don't know if it helps but it feels okay.
ttyl

Haven't shaved in a week. Spent the week completely isolated. A few good moments however i just don't care. i have 4 things i definitely have to do and I will not do them.

Wake up get on here. Eat poorly at mcdonalds once during the day. Come home and get back on here again.

Oh well , even this is getting tiring writing this.

Going to sit down on the couch.

I hail from not-so-sunny Australia, where speed has been an absolute joke for almost a decade. I'd have to have at least $100 worth to stay up for a night or two, and if I'm lucky I'd actually feel like I'm speeding and not just unable to sleep without a buzz. So if something "worked" I wasn't about to try and cut it short: I'd ride the high for as long as it lasted and was glad that I didn't waste my money yet again.

This year I met and became very good friends with a girl in California that I'd met on the internet. My friend's drug of choice is methamphetamine, and after hearing my complaints about the shit quality of the locally available product, she sent me a free sample of what she can get in the land of LA. She told me not to take it all at once but being jaded by false boasts of high quality in the past I took her advice with a pinch of salt. OMG!!!! I wish I had listened! After belting the lot in one go (a quantity that she said was worth a paltry $10US I was racing off my face non-stop for over 3 days and nights. So that's what real crystal meth is like! WOW!!! Thanks America!!!

We arranged for me to buy $100 worth and when it arrived the accompanying note that she included stated that the gear was even stronger this time and to be careful. But after years of "can't get enough" and "more is better" I still hadn't learnt to heed her advice. I was revving like a maniac for almost ten days, didn't eat a thing for the whole time, and sweated so copiously that I was drinking 4 litres of orange juice per day, easy. By the end of it my whole body ached, the linings on the inside of my mouth and on my tongue felt like they were covered in ulcers and I had real difficulty eating anything except yoghurt for days afterwards - swallowing was as agonising as it was compelling because I was so very hungry after going so long without food.
I hummed non-stop for the first three days, then switched to talking aloud to myself and the scary thing was that I was aware that I couldn't help what I was doing and I couldn't stop if I tried. I started to understand the very real experience of psychosis, and that I was tottering on the very brink and looking over the edge. Scary.

Ok so this last time I couldn't afford quite as much (especially because the transfer fee and exchange rate adds an extra $30 on top) but I figured with such strong whizz I didn't need to get as much as before, so we arranged for $50 worth. My friend informed me that it wasn't as strong as the last couple of deals she'd sent, but that compared to what I was used to it was still good.
Trying to be wiser than last time I injected what looked to me a small amount, thinking I could always have a little more if I needed it, because once a person has too much there is no going back. It was great! I didn't throw my guts up moments after hitting up like the time before. And what a lovely, exhilirating rush! Not bad at all for this veteran druggie who thought all her best drug highs were behind her! I decided it was safe to have a top up. And then I DID do the toilet crouch, heaving fit to rival both previous occasions.

This was at midday the day before yesterday, and again I've been revving ever since, although it doesn't feel quite as much like an overdose as last time. However I AM starting to feel edgy, the small of my back and the back of my calves ache, and again I've been unable to force any food down when I made a considerable effort to do so yesterday. It's been fun but I want to mellow out and save the rest of the gear for when I've recovered from this session.

Problem is it's practically impossible to find a doctor willing to prescribe benzodiazapenes like Valium or Serepax unless you're an old geezer with a medical condition that's unrelated to drug use. I tried to drink some alcohol but after a couple of swallows it just made me feel sick.

PLEASE, if anyone knows of a non-prescription substance that is even partially effective in ameliorating the "rough edges" of a meth flight that refuses to even look like it's approaching the runway (let alone landing on it) let me know. As I'm writing this my shrunken stomach is grinding with hunger but I've got no appetite, and I'm feeling flakier by the minute. ;!God, if I could only come down right now!

I'm a 20 year old male. Since I can remember being a teenager I beleive I have suffered from depression or some form of bi polar.

For the last 6 or so years, I have had ups and downs. My ups aren't so manic but i feel 'normal' but my downs and best described as "when it rains, it pours". I've felt like this for so long that it's only been in the last year that I've started to question my mental health. I recently started dating a girl who has been on meds for depression for about 2 years. She described her symptoms to me and I could relate and understand so well it scared me a little but ultimately opened my eyes.

I summoned up the courage and went to the doctor not long after that. At this point I was having one of the lowest points of my whole life, which lasted about 2 months, usually lasting 1 month. The doctor said that what I described to him sounded like depression and referred me to a psychologist. I called him 3 times but each time I couldn't get through. I started to emerge from the down point, with a few draw backs but I am now at my normal state and I can see clearly what was going on in my head.

I would often feel different things but each one was just as draining and tormenting as the next. My head would often go crazy with negative thoughts, I would start to cry uncontrollably, I uncontrollably fantasize about suicide. It felt like I wanted to live but something greater than me was pushing me over a cliff. I would get very irritable and react irrationally and became very close to losing my job, which I didn't care about at the time because it was such a struggle to go to work.

Thats all im going to write at the moment.

....I gotta start off by saying:
Fuck 2010..
Fuck the Police..
Fuck the motherfuckin' State of Arizona..
and Fuck Opiate Addiction, man.

-This year has kicked my ass, so fucking hard..it's drove me to the brink-of-insanity, I truely believe....
My birthday is in a few days(the 14th), and I sort of feel like it's the last one, I will live to see..I hope I'm wrong, but on the other-hand I am so tired, I just want out of life, to a point...though, I am not sucidal, really.

At the moment; My Heroin problem is weighing me down, more then ever. I am a wreck. I've almost lost my hands/arm in the past 5 months, on 4 diffrent trips to the E.R. (when it was too far gone, to just lance/drain at home.)
And right now, I am facing 2 felony's, for possesion of H +plus some rigs and a spoon.
I took the fall for my 2 other friends, who were scoring with me..but, see I just couldn't let them take the fall, they both have they're own seperate issues with the law, in the past, and figured they would have gotten the book thrown at them, if they would have gotten popped for this shit..So me being Mr.Loyal Friend as usual..offered myself on a silver-dish for the Cops to feast upon.

And my buddies don't even wanna bother to help me except one time with scoring some dope...ha, loyalty is so over-rated, I'm a fucking idiot for ever believing in friendship or love, man. ...so it seems is a thing of the past; dead, cold, bloated and distorted.

I'm out,
to all who read this, please keep me in your thoughts, I goto court and get my sentence on December 27th. I could use it guys and gals.