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Well here i am at day 3. I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday, i was super busy I went the whole day yesterday without thinking about gear ! That's a first for me. Today i got a phone call at lunch time to say there was decent stuff there but i said "no thanks" After i put the phone down its all i could think about, my head is wrecked You know before this drought started i never thought i would make it a couple of hours without it let alone days i'm feeling good about it i just don't want anyone to be ringing me telling me its there, i think i need to change my number

I've made it to the 2 month mark on December the 6th, and its getting harder, NOT easier, like it use to!

My boyfriend (now ex) came to me two weeks ago asking for drugs, and I flipped out, I got clean for him, put up with all the pain and bullshit I put up with because of his pyschosis and he just doesn't care anymore, and if he ever gets better, I hope we can remain friends, but in order for me to stop being in pain, I've let go.

I probably sound like a heartless bitch, but my counselor said that the reason I am craving so much now is because subconsciously my brain says "yeah, lets do drugs because he wants to and we'll get closer together again" she is right but there is also the fact that I'm stuck at home with no money and I want to get out and go raving again!

Endless cycle of my life.

Well lets see, is this going to be the start of a new me ? I think so, i'm telling myself that if & when things get back to normal i will NOT go back to smoking every day. I really want to believe in myself its going to be a test. Since the drought i've spent more time with my family, who know nothing about my addiction thank god if they did i would be packed off to rehab straight away I'm doing more things with my beautiful 10yr old daughter, she is really enjoying the time we are spending together Don't get me wrong i'm very much a functional addict, very hands on mother but obviously my addiction does eat into family time. So only time will tell my friends !

The following is my account of getting clean. It's written quite informally and may be a bit hard to read, so I apologise. I may add a bit of background too at some stage and go into more depth of my experience in rehab too. I can say that I was an utterly hopeless junkie, I was destroyed mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and it took me to get to this point before I finally asked for help and went to a 12 step rehab, followed suggestions and continued to do so. I will keep updating this with my progress every few weeks or so.

I would love it if this blog could give someone else in a similar situation I was in some hope. As for me being given hope was the greatest gift I could have ever been given.

My journey

After going up and down on my dosages, researching and trying out loads of different (failed) detoxes/cold turkeys, by the time I went into rehab I was on:

70ml Methadone a day
600mg to 1700mg Heroin a day
1 bottle of wine a day
2 or 3 Blue valiums most days, but not physically hooked on em

I had my last use up, then went into rehab. They gave me 70mg methadone on day 1, then 50mg day 2 then 30mg day 3. No more opiates after this!

They gave me lofexidine on the first 5 days (10, 8, 6, 4, 2), but the first 3 days I was on the methadone anyway so it was pointless really, there was no arguing with the doctos though! They gave me librium for those first 3 days too and a zopiclone on one night after complaining of no sleep for 10 days! Also at one point as well when I was saying to them I was gonna do a runner, they gave me Largactil (chlorpromazine) which actually really helped for about an hour.

It was the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. I was so fucking sick. Lieing in the bathroom puking and shitting, but far more concerned about having massive unbearable physical aches and pains, my legs Killing me, whole skeleton trying to escape my body, pouring in sweat, absolutlely freezing cold, mentally at the absolute limit of unbearableness, can't be even slightly comfortable in any way or form or relax at all. After the puking and shitting stopped, pain feels worse in legs, cant really describe it as pain, but just UNbearable feeling. Like if you were held under water and you get to the stage where you are so desperate for air it's unbearable and stay at that stage forever. Total fucking hell. 100% awake, experiencing all this for 12 days 24 hours a day, not 1 wink of sleep at all in this peroid. Start to get 20mins to 1 hour of sleep after day 12. ABsolutley NO energy, still restless cant sit down, cant stand up, can't lie down. Cold, weak, achey, fluey, emotional, feeling of doom/despair. Eventually after 21 days starts to get a TINY bit better. Getting a bit more sleep, falling asleep about 4am and waking up at 6am in a cold sweat feeling like shit. Slowly the symptoms go away, like really fucking slowly...

All of this knowing with one quick hit in an INSTANT it would all go away!

Fuck me, it was absolute hell. Hardest thing I've ever done. NEVER again!!!!!



41 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.


I am sleeping ok-ish now, but still no energy and a bit achey. Emotionally I don't feel good at all. Very unbalanced. Cannot see myself coping if this is what I am gonna feel like all the time. I am sort of struggling through the days, constantly looking at my watch wanting it to be time to go to bed. I am still in a bit of euphoria though having my feelings back. I have been on extreme highs and lows. Laughing for the first time and crying. Listening to music in a different way, depressed, wanting to use. Just all over the place. But I have faith that if I persist and follow the suggestions given to me I will be OK.




97 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.


Physically I feel fine now and I'm sleeping well. Mentally I am feeling better and better. The last 3 months have been very much ups and downs, more downs than ups, but slowly getting more of a balance. Can't wait to see how I feel after 6 months or a year of being totally clean. Does seem ridiculous I haven't given my body a rest like this in 12 or 13 years!




119 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.


Physically fine, sleep not so good, but I think it's due to living in a noisy hostel. Do seem to get random attacks of lethargy in the afternoons about 4 - 5pm, but perfectly managable! Been through some more ups and downs. No using thoughts that went past the line, learnt a new technique, as all my using thoughts are quite visual, I first of all turn it black and white, then I try to picture it as a photo then let it float away in the wind. Somehow it does help me! Had some moments of high senses of well being, really feeling content, which is a first for years, which is lovely! Laughing more, and feeling more connected to the world and able to connect to people better. I go to meetings, and it is great for my confidence, self esteem, etc, speaking more and more and gaining a nice group of (clean) friends. The low points aren't too bad, as I have now got people I can phone and talk them through. Getting a bit 'bored' sometimes, but I know its because I'm not doing anything, starting some volutary work soon which I think will do me good! Then when 6 months clean I've been given oppurtunity to work in a substance misuse charity, which will be great, as I love helping other addicts! Generally I feel 'ok' most of the time with 1 or 2 times in the week where I feel really good and have good fun and a laugh, and maybe 2 or 3 times where I get a bit depressed, but nothing I can't handle. 4 months clean tomorow, very proud of myself for doing this as I really was what I thought a hopeless case!




5 months 2 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.


It feels like the last time I edited this journal was much longer that a month ago. I have changed so much just in the last month! The ups and downs are much more balanced now. A bad today for me feels like a good day a few months ago! I have had a few little periods of feeling "whats the point" but I feel stronger getting through thm and in general I have a pretty consistent level of 'alrightness'! I have had some moments (glimpses) of pure joy and lots of laughter and happiness, which is just amazing, truly not felt like this is years and years. I am working a recovery program and I attend to group therapy sessions twice a week, a na meeting every day and I now have a sponsor who is an amazing man (25 years clean). I was so so cynical of 12 step groups before i got clean but they really help me and I am very much up for living a life based on spiritual guidelines.

I've started working a couple of 4 hour shifts voluntary at a book and music shop. It was suggested to me in my group therapy. I was like "Why would I want to work for free??" but it really feels good doing it, a new feeling I hadn't experienced before, giving something back, having been a taker all my life. It is great for my structure too. I no longer have that feeling where I am waiting for the day to end. I enjoy my evenings and cherish my time. The big thing for me was being able to have faith in something, even if in my head I felt I could prove it otherwise. Taking on suggestions of people who have experience with what I am going through, without saying "Yeah, but..." has been the best thing I've ever done. All throughout my life I was determined I could do everything by myself and that I knew the answers, finally I was beaten by the drugs into a state of reasonableness and asked for help. Since that day I began such an amazing journey that is the most positive thing I have ever done in my life!

I've also applied to go do a degree next September in 'Mental Health Nursing and Social Work', I have the required UCAS points to get in, so here's hoping. I feel it the perfect course for me, leading to a job that I really feel I would be good in and be able to help people with all sorts of mental health problems including addiction. The NHS pay for the whole thing too which is great. Very excited about this!

If someone had said to me 5 months ago I would be doing what I am doing, feeling the way I am feeling, have the new (clean) friends I now have in my life, have just applied to uni, I would have called them crazy!

----------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading, I will continue to update this every few weeks or so.



Oh also... Here is a recording of a speaker at a CA meeting I found very inspirational and very powerful. Really helped me on my journey listening to him so I thought I would share it here: http://xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=download&id=785

getting married in 2011.
going to Australia in 2012.
still trying to figure out how to fit in grad school.
adopted a miniature pinscher from the pound, she kicks more butt than bruce campbell.
it's been a good year.

stole this from Spork.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here:
"Judges act as though the rules they live by are the only acceptable ones and that they never change."

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there?
Comfest mug

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Sportscenter

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
11:15p

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 11:24p

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
teevee

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? walking my dog

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Spork's blog

9. What are you wearing?
tshirt and pajama pants

10. Did you dream last night?
yes

11. When did you last laugh?
earlier today

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? illustrations of castles I think, a photo of 76 falls.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
I stopped at a light behind this african american woman earlier in the week. She got out of her old suv and screamed words I couldn't understand and literally spit at my Jeep... then she pointed at me and got back in her SUV and drove off.

14. What do you think of FacebookCraze.com?
I'm not interested in bukkake.

15. What is the last film you saw?
TransSiberian... it sucked.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
more education, many corporate slaves.

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know
i can wiggle my ears independently

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
no more money

19. Do you like to dance?
sho nuff

20. What do you think of the president?
he's burning out

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Nathalia Aristessa

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Simeon Grey

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
no.

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
the band's been waiting for you to rock the cowbell brothermarcus, let's do this thing!

I feel yuk,

All I am doing for the last 3 days is moping around the internet. Getting more and more into the depression.


I hate my wife right now. I know it is hard for her right now, but sometimes and I have told her this, is that sometimes I just need a hug and i can come out of it. But she just leaves me alone. maybe she is scared I will snap and storm out as I used to do.

I wish I had a job. I wish I knew how to go about getting a job. I feel like I have fucked up so much I have no idea where to start.

I have no idea how I can go back behind a bar again and start bartending. I think that would be the end of me so I am going to rule that out straight away.I need a job where i can be my own boss. Where I can feel good about myself. I had a business but it was got with someone who basically set it up for me. And the resentment of the control the person had and the fact that it wasn't my doing made for a disaster. No I don't need to be amazing at business, I just want to feel like I can do something on my own without having to be spoon fed.

I want to man up. I want to try and do something on my own but I am afraid even to start small at anything. Hell even putting something online on ebay is hard for me. I can;t seem to find the motivation. Yet put me behind the bar for someone else and I will guarantee him the best bartender He could have there is me. Until I see myself getting resentful that i am doing everything for someone else and not for myself and giving my best years to someone else. IBut I don't have the balls to go and do what He did. Or worse I don't even know how He did it. Grrrrrrrrr. Why am I such a failure. Oh sure i can feel good about doing stuff, but when I look around me all I see are people who are living life without help.I mean people my age and younger getting on in life, making decisions, etc. who seem to have a handle on life.

Me i think I just went through life in this big drunken haze and later a horrible roller coaster ride of ups and downs mentally from all my using.

Feels good to get this out , don't know if it helps but it feels okay.
ttyl

Haven't shaved in a week. Spent the week completely isolated. A few good moments however i just don't care. i have 4 things i definitely have to do and I will not do them.

Wake up get on here. Eat poorly at mcdonalds once during the day. Come home and get back on here again.

Oh well , even this is getting tiring writing this.

Going to sit down on the couch.

I hail from not-so-sunny Australia, where speed has been an absolute joke for almost a decade. I'd have to have at least $100 worth to stay up for a night or two, and if I'm lucky I'd actually feel like I'm speeding and not just unable to sleep without a buzz. So if something "worked" I wasn't about to try and cut it short: I'd ride the high for as long as it lasted and was glad that I didn't waste my money yet again.

This year I met and became very good friends with a girl in California that I'd met on the internet. My friend's drug of choice is methamphetamine, and after hearing my complaints about the shit quality of the locally available product, she sent me a free sample of what she can get in the land of LA. She told me not to take it all at once but being jaded by false boasts of high quality in the past I took her advice with a pinch of salt. OMG!!!! I wish I had listened! After belting the lot in one go (a quantity that she said was worth a paltry $10US I was racing off my face non-stop for over 3 days and nights. So that's what real crystal meth is like! WOW!!! Thanks America!!!

We arranged for me to buy $100 worth and when it arrived the accompanying note that she included stated that the gear was even stronger this time and to be careful. But after years of "can't get enough" and "more is better" I still hadn't learnt to heed her advice. I was revving like a maniac for almost ten days, didn't eat a thing for the whole time, and sweated so copiously that I was drinking 4 litres of orange juice per day, easy. By the end of it my whole body ached, the linings on the inside of my mouth and on my tongue felt like they were covered in ulcers and I had real difficulty eating anything except yoghurt for days afterwards - swallowing was as agonising as it was compelling because I was so very hungry after going so long without food.
I hummed non-stop for the first three days, then switched to talking aloud to myself and the scary thing was that I was aware that I couldn't help what I was doing and I couldn't stop if I tried. I started to understand the very real experience of psychosis, and that I was tottering on the very brink and looking over the edge. Scary.

Ok so this last time I couldn't afford quite as much (especially because the transfer fee and exchange rate adds an extra $30 on top) but I figured with such strong whizz I didn't need to get as much as before, so we arranged for $50 worth. My friend informed me that it wasn't as strong as the last couple of deals she'd sent, but that compared to what I was used to it was still good.
Trying to be wiser than last time I injected what looked to me a small amount, thinking I could always have a little more if I needed it, because once a person has too much there is no going back. It was great! I didn't throw my guts up moments after hitting up like the time before. And what a lovely, exhilirating rush! Not bad at all for this veteran druggie who thought all her best drug highs were behind her! I decided it was safe to have a top up. And then I DID do the toilet crouch, heaving fit to rival both previous occasions.

This was at midday the day before yesterday, and again I've been revving ever since, although it doesn't feel quite as much like an overdose as last time. However I AM starting to feel edgy, the small of my back and the back of my calves ache, and again I've been unable to force any food down when I made a considerable effort to do so yesterday. It's been fun but I want to mellow out and save the rest of the gear for when I've recovered from this session.

Problem is it's practically impossible to find a doctor willing to prescribe benzodiazapenes like Valium or Serepax unless you're an old geezer with a medical condition that's unrelated to drug use. I tried to drink some alcohol but after a couple of swallows it just made me feel sick.

PLEASE, if anyone knows of a non-prescription substance that is even partially effective in ameliorating the "rough edges" of a meth flight that refuses to even look like it's approaching the runway (let alone landing on it) let me know. As I'm writing this my shrunken stomach is grinding with hunger but I've got no appetite, and I'm feeling flakier by the minute. ;!God, if I could only come down right now!

I'm a 20 year old male. Since I can remember being a teenager I beleive I have suffered from depression or some form of bi polar.

For the last 6 or so years, I have had ups and downs. My ups aren't so manic but i feel 'normal' but my downs and best described as "when it rains, it pours". I've felt like this for so long that it's only been in the last year that I've started to question my mental health. I recently started dating a girl who has been on meds for depression for about 2 years. She described her symptoms to me and I could relate and understand so well it scared me a little but ultimately opened my eyes.

I summoned up the courage and went to the doctor not long after that. At this point I was having one of the lowest points of my whole life, which lasted about 2 months, usually lasting 1 month. The doctor said that what I described to him sounded like depression and referred me to a psychologist. I called him 3 times but each time I couldn't get through. I started to emerge from the down point, with a few draw backs but I am now at my normal state and I can see clearly what was going on in my head.

I would often feel different things but each one was just as draining and tormenting as the next. My head would often go crazy with negative thoughts, I would start to cry uncontrollably, I uncontrollably fantasize about suicide. It felt like I wanted to live but something greater than me was pushing me over a cliff. I would get very irritable and react irrationally and became very close to losing my job, which I didn't care about at the time because it was such a struggle to go to work.

Thats all im going to write at the moment.

....I gotta start off by saying:
Fuck 2010..
Fuck the Police..
Fuck the motherfuckin' State of Arizona..
and Fuck Opiate Addiction, man.

-This year has kicked my ass, so fucking hard..it's drove me to the brink-of-insanity, I truely believe....
My birthday is in a few days(the 14th), and I sort of feel like it's the last one, I will live to see..I hope I'm wrong, but on the other-hand I am so tired, I just want out of life, to a point...though, I am not sucidal, really.

At the moment; My Heroin problem is weighing me down, more then ever. I am a wreck. I've almost lost my hands/arm in the past 5 months, on 4 diffrent trips to the E.R. (when it was too far gone, to just lance/drain at home.)
And right now, I am facing 2 felony's, for possesion of H +plus some rigs and a spoon.
I took the fall for my 2 other friends, who were scoring with me..but, see I just couldn't let them take the fall, they both have they're own seperate issues with the law, in the past, and figured they would have gotten the book thrown at them, if they would have gotten popped for this shit..So me being Mr.Loyal Friend as usual..offered myself on a silver-dish for the Cops to feast upon.

And my buddies don't even wanna bother to help me except one time with scoring some dope...ha, loyalty is so over-rated, I'm a fucking idiot for ever believing in friendship or love, man. ...so it seems is a thing of the past; dead, cold, bloated and distorted.

I'm out,
to all who read this, please keep me in your thoughts, I goto court and get my sentence on December 27th. I could use it guys and gals.

The past few months I've been getting very close with this girl, attractive little thing and a great body, but then everytime i get too close she seems tyo push me away. Anyhow friday she came over to mine for a few drinks friday, ended up cracking open some dynamite flake i had picked up earlier on in the day. The night went on and she started confiding in me had the week beforemaking her jibber jabber as it had the week before. I was fine with all this as she has been through a lot and was quite happy just to be there to comfort her, then after a few minutes she calmed down and got herself together and kissed me. Now we have kissed before but never like this, it then lead on to the best, most exciting spontaneous sex I have ever had. She knew just how to hit the spots, and is very seductive then the flake helped out as it made the sex last even longer, a good hour and a half had past and i still wasnt cumming, this didnt bother me as i didnt want it to end. Then it ewas getting late and i had work in 6 hours and knew i wouldnt sleep off the flake easily so stopped for a minute and racked up the last of my strong ket, big mistake, after 10 minutes of doing it i physically couldn't move so unfortunately it came to an abrupt end

Anyhow she came round again today and we both laughed off about the ket situation, was quite comical, and something very typical of me to do, have the most amazing sex, with an amazing girl who was genuinely keen and I end it early because I did too much ket at once lol.

Today was dramatic..ugh!
I have all this baggage, that just rose up from nowhere and bit me right on the Ass and I've been really Crazy all day until now. Now I just feel like shit for derailing. Why couldnt I have kept my Damn Mouth shut.

I hate my extended Family, just wish they didnt exist!! Hate that my Mother didnt go tell them where to go...she's trying to keep face but I say Good riddance!!!! Good for nothing bastards.

This is Opy.

He is a seven and a half week Blue Nose Pitbull.
I got him through a friend of a friend.
I've had him for just over 24 hours and I already love him to death.
His name is Opy, which is pronounced Oh-Pee, and it is short for Optimus Prime.
Geeky, yes. Do I care? Not particularly.
Ive had dogs before, in fact, there were already two living in my house before I brought him home. But Opy is the first dog that I will be raising on my own...well, with the help of some people on Zinternet.
I've never trained a dog before, but I know it's gonna be a rewarding experience and I can't wait
I'll try to post weekly updates and any other significant event that occurs.
Much love,
-Nation

It has been a long time since I have bought or sold an option. The whole game has done everything but put me in jail. But I've had some time to think about it. Working hard twelve hours a day, saving up a marginal amount of money every two weeks, I have realized that I can't work like this - out of my element - for too much longer.

The time has come to make some abnormal jumps in wealth, but now that I understand what the value of a dollar is I am going to be extremely dilligent.

I am going to focus on one stock at a time, each of which I am requiring myself to hold at least a $600 actual position in. On the third week of every month I am going to put a "boat" around my position, trading for one day, and making only two purchases - calls and puts that expire that Friday. The high variance that occurs around that time will make one option worthless and one profitable. The trick, as always, is going to be making the profit bigger than the loss.

So, the first stock is RIMM. I don't at all expect it to go up forever and quite frankly I'm worried about whether it even has the ability to stay in touch with smartphone market trends. As a Blackberry user and shareholder, of course I like the product. But one or two production and design decisions by Apple could completely destroy RIMM, who is apparently confident that business users will always find the standard Blackberry the most user friendly. Quite a gamble...

And this uncertainty, combined with the wide fluctuation of the stock, make it an ideal candidate to research from a money-making perspective. The chart I will create is going to show the fluctuation of RIMM puts and calls as a percentage change over the Thursday before they expire. Ime, Friday is way to unpredictable price-wise because the time element has an exponential effect on the price. A stock might climb 3 points and a near the money call won't change at all. I've seen it happen - it's happened to me - and because of all the technical elements that make things wacky on the final Friday, I better just stay away.

out of curiosity i want to know how much someone can take. i tried .5 and stayed up for 2 days. but i think that was a lot. so if people could send me how much someone you know has done at one particular time. but it has to be someone that did it with pure mdma. thanks

I am writing this as a continuation to this post:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=541834


I am referred to this place by another suboxone Dr., who I had found on some listing online. The place I called had a waiting list, and I am told that the place where I am going does not (now I see why!).

I test positive for opiates and THC when I go in the first time. I am then very sick and dehydrated. Piss was like dark orange.

I then took a second test a week later. I had just got out of my very strenuous, overnight job, at which I drink alout of water. If I don't stay well hydrated I would honestly worry about my health. I had also just managed to quit smoking weed, very abruptly, several days before that test and had hardly been eating. I am thinking this played a part in the especially low levels. They made a huge deal about the THC and said that if it was still pos in 2 weeks, there would be consequences (more frequent visits for more intesive and frequent counseling which means more $$$).

When I went in 2 weeks later I was quite sure there would be no issues. I had not taken anything but suboxone since I quit smoking trees. they told me I was suspected of tampering and I was now required to take the UA supervised in this tiny, stall-like bathroom. Seriously the dude was like <1ft from me! Panic ensues (See the anon post referenced above for more info). I was unable to give a sample, After a counseling session, which consisted of them laying out in more detail what they suspected me of doing and basically made me feel like shit, I was grudgingly cleared by the counselor to go into the bathroom. The last thing she said to me was that there would be problems on my next visit if my levels were not normal (they have to send it out to get anything other than pos/neg results

Rescheduled for friday, where I had no problem giving a sample as there was no observer this time and I did not have to talk to the counselor. Apparently Tuesday's session was enough to satisfy her sadistic desires. She did at one point walk through the waiting room and scowl at me. I saw the Dr. and briefly explained what had happened as far as me panicking, but did not really get into why my creatine might be low. I hadn't really worked out what was going on at that point. I also thought it might be better not to try and give him all these crazy excuses when I'm really not really sure what caused the low level, all I know is that I did not tamper.

I ended up kind of liking the Dr. When I told him how good I was doing he listened and was supportive and encouraging. At this point I was very glad that I had toughed out the problems I had and stayed on the program. I do have some issues with him, but I've never been really that fond of doctors, and we do seem to get along great.

I feel like I should get a new Dr. just for the fact that they implied there would be an issue if my test came back low creatinine again, which for all I know, it could. I have one month to find a better place, but if for some reason I cannot, I will always have the option to try and make it work.

Taken from ocean.

Hi, my name is:xK-la

Never in my life have I been: normal

The one person who can drive me nuts is: My parents and sometimes I drive myself nuts!

High school was: and is OVER. Thank fuck! Not entirely enjoyable when you are surrounded by people who think they are better than you and are completely fake

When I'm nervous: I'm quite anxious, so I fidget a lot or think the worst of things. Sometimes verbally as there isn't much of a filter from my brain to my mouth

The last time I cried was: Thursday through to Friday. Worrying about my boyfriend.


If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: Thats a tough one! Probably one of my best friends, T 'cause she would be happy for me without judgement

My hair is: Dyed a really light blonde with a huge amount of regrowth.

When I was 10: I was mentally older than anyone in my year and therefore was quite lonely

Last Christmas: was so long ago I don't even remember it, how sad

I should be: in school, learning something to get me a job

When I look down I see: the legs that have failed me at a real chance of life

The happiest recent event was: spending the week at my boyfriends, no drugs, just normal stuff like cuddled up watching tv and the best sex ever

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: none of them. They don't fit me in the slightest way.

By this time next year: I hope to be still alive, and possibly past my addiction and still with my boyfriend, the two of us in a better place.

My current gripe is: money and my addiction.

I have a hard time understanding: chemistry and maths lol

There's this girl I know that: has low self esteem when I know she is capable of anything

You know I like you when: I give you my most undivided attention and even tell you

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My boyfriend

Take my advice: Stay true to yourself and never change for anyone.

Something that I really want to buy is: Sadly, at this current time, meth.


If you visited the place I was born: You'd find a lot of Bogans and Lads.

I plan to visit: My boyfriend in rehab.

If you spend the night at my house:
We'd sit outside in the sun, talk all day, smoking cigs into the night. Then when it gets cold, we'd go inside and talk more, listen to EDM, anything you'd want to do because I'm easy going.

I'd stop my wedding if: someone was in labor or died.

The world could do without: So many things, a few are - prejudice, hate, fake people, and assholes.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Shoot Meth

Most recent thing I've bought myself: A bunch of books and a packet of cigarettes.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: A VIP ticket to Defqon. 1, I paid for it but they bought it for me

My favorite blonde is: My best friend, T.

My favorite brunette is: My other best friend N and my boyfriend.

My favorite redhead is: I don't have a favorite celebrity redhead and none of my friends are redheads.

My middle name is: Jane.

This morning I: I came straight onto BL

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: none.

Once, at a bar: I made out with 2 guys, fell off the toilet and hit my head on the wall.

Last night I was: watching episode after episode of Glee.

There's this guy I know who: if he doesn't quit Meth, he will develop permanent psychosis

I don't know: what the future holds.

A better name for me would be: Crystal, 'cause I'm addicted to Meth LOL.

Tomorrow I am: going to have a better day... Hopefully.

Tonight I am: on BL.

My birthday is: Beginning of August and I am a Leo.

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: Someone who was entirely mine, and not shared.

I can sing: terribly, but I don't care

I like a guy named: B

My best friend's name: T and N (I have two)

Now you copy and paste!!!

Preface: After spending the 1st 2 posts discussing a bout of morphine withdrawal on Cebu Island in the Philippines, I am finally about to discuss the issue(s) relating to the title,"4 Continents in 1 Week."

I was in Makati in late September spending time in the condo I am leasing when I was invited to a dinner at the Israeli Embassy. Makati is 1 of the cities that compose the cluster fuck known as "Metro Manila."If the Philippines has anything even remotely approaching a "Jewish Neighbourhood," and mind you with less than 300 of us, including Israeli Diplomats that would be just a tad bit difficult, Makati's "Salcedo Village" district would certainly fit the bill. Salcedo Village is home to the Israeli Embassy which itself is housed in a skyscraper, well ensconced on a few of the upper floors. The Americans have an ostentatious campus sitting on prime Manila Bay real estate, beautiful sunsets, but us? All the smog you can eat.

Salcedo Village also plays host to the nation's only synagouge as well as a recently opened Chabad House, which is a cultural centre for Jewish ex-pats who crave Jewish food, companionship and so on.

On Mindanao I am 1 of 5 Jews, the other 4 being Irrigation Engineers on a banana plantation in the town of Datu Paglas in Maguindanao Province. I live in NE Mindanao, in the middle of the Maoist Insurgencyz, they are in the epicentre of the island's largest Islamo-fascist Insurgency so our get togethers are rare indeed. All Jews are related by blood to the 4th degree (4th cousins) or closer and so when a lone Jew meets another it is truly as if we met family.Not to mention that we have a unique and deeply imbued culture and are always faced with prejudice and ostracism so is it any wonder that people often describe us as "clannish?"

On Makati I had been spending a lot of time with my new lover, Joysa. She is a 23 year old Tagalog,from Bulacan which is a city on the opposite end of Metro Manila.

Joysa and I met on a trip I took to Angeles City, 2 hours north of Metro Manila, in Pampanga Province. Angeles City is a nightmare for me. I am not a prude by any measure of the word but the city isd like Sodom Fucken Gomorrah! I have never been to a sex club, strippers etc., nor have I ever been with a prostitute. Until I entered Active Duty in the IDF at age 16 I was raised as a Hassidic Jew. The IDF, until the early 90s despised religion and they quite literally beat it out of me and yet my moral compass, large portions of it, has remained intact.

On my last New York to Manila flight I met a friend of mine from Mindanao...I believe I did mention this in the 1st of these 3 posts. I won't mention him by name out of respect for his private life but he's an American academic who I met during his tour with JSOTF-P, the joint US/Philippine Milit*ry Task Force tackling one of the Islamo-fascist Insurgencies on Mindanao. Virtually all Americans are ignorant to the fact that Mindanao is the 3rd Front of the US War on Terror (Iraq, Afghanistan and Mindanao).JSOTF-P (Joint Strike Operational Task Force-Philippibes) is worth a post of its own. For the sake of brevity, it consists of roughly 700 Americans, mostly Special Forces.

After my friend's Tour ended he left the miliary and gained his PhD and has since gone on to do ground breaking work on Terrorism/Counterterrorism. I hadn't known but hed gotten a lover in Pampanga which happens a lot with American military personnel since the province is home to Clark Air Base which until the mid-90s was a huge US Base. In addition. Not far away is Subic Bay, a former US Navy Base. During the Vietnam War both were among the largest bases in the US system and as so often happens around US bases a huge red light district opened nearby, in this case, Angeles City.

My friend invited me to come up and visit him and since as I mentioned, it is only 2 hours north of Metro Manila, I took him up on the offer.I spent 4 days at his house and I have to say, I really hate that town and all that goes with it though I did meet Joysa there. Normally I wouldn't even look at a pretty girl in that town for a number of reasons. Aside from the obvious, women there are the most Westernised of all the Philippines, including Manila. For example, unlike a nation like South Korean where maybe 7 out of 10 women smoke, women in the Philippines almost never smoke. Even those that do never do in Public though in Manila you see a few. In Angeles they are everywhere. Women in the Philippines usually do laundry by hand where as in Angeles they wouldn't dream of that. Don't get me wrong, I am no Luddite and don't despise technology or things that ease a woman's life it is just that with these affectations come Westernised attitudes such as divorce, abortion, things I think are too easily given in the West, etc.

I met Joysa on a jeepney. Jeepneys, as I mentioned in prior posts are a form of public transport unique to the Philippines. Post WWII there were loads of surplus US Army jeeps. Taking those Willys Jeeps Filipinos fabricated 10 meters long drive shafts and then, using sheet metal and iron extended the bodies and frames to match. Just like American "Low Riders" the roofs are "chopped" so that they look like a schoolbus whose roof has been flattened to be just above passengers' heads. Painted in psychadelic patters the have names painted on them like,"Tease Me but Love Me," or, "Fancy Dancer."Actually now that I think about it I have seen trucks and busses in the English speaking Caribbean also use such names.

I was going to a mall to find a bookstore my friend mentioned and Joysa was returning from her job. Since she worked nights and has a body like a Playboy Centerfold (those I have experienced, unlike sexclubs) I was sure that when the conversation progressed I would discover that she was a Bargirl (Philippine speak for"Prostitute,"or as Filipinos also call them,"Prostis"). I was shocked however when she told me she worked as an Encoder/Transcriptionist in a Call Centre.9*"" centres" are a huge business in the Philippines owing to how widely and proficiently English is spoken here.

For those still clueless, or perhaps unsure, these are the accented voices you hear when checking your cell phone or credit card bill or making reservations. Joysa's job is to listen to recordings of flagged calls and transcribe them via word processing si that it can be incorporated into training materiels. Having an Associates Degree she makes 9700 Pesos a month (210 US). She works from 9PM until 8AM, 5 days a week and is given 2 free meals from the company cafeteria. Like most workers in the Philippines she and her family get very basic medical insurance from the governmental insurer, Philhealth (sic). 4he gets 21 paid days off a year, an extra months pay each year, something most Filipino workers get, what they call,"13th Month's Pay" doled out at around Xmas.This is considered a very posh gig in the Philippines and so she's proud.

I thought I could conclude this title with this entry but as I often am, I was wrong...

jjjjjjj

So here i am and the holiday season is nearly upon us again. Time to get ready to buy gifts for the immediate family and maybe try and give something to a few friends of mine that mean alot to me. God knows not all the money in the world would repay them though.

It's almost december and i am honestly at a loss as to what to do with my future. This time last year i was planning to go to Ontario with my g/f and i eventually did but that got fucked up through no fault of my own. So i ended up coming back to this shithole of a rural ghetto and im back to square one

I have a few choices that i could maybe do. 1 is get a place in the city here and go to school. I wouldnt mind getting a place of my own and it would actually be nice to have a place i could call my own too. MINE ALL MINE! Except i don't know anyone at all really in the city here anymore and i could end up getting very bored and hating the place. That might lead to me doing some not so healthy things to relieve the boredom such as drinking, smoking crack or shooting coke. Speedballs to get through the day.

Another option is try and pony up the cash to get a place with my g/f and move in with her. This time we wouldnt have a interfering room mate fucking with our relationship so that would be one thing going for us right there. Plus ive had no closure at all on our relationship as we didnt break up or anything at all like that i just left because i got pneumonia and couldnt pay the $60 up front to go to the walk in clinics. The hospitals up there are beyond fucking useless as well . Thanks alot jerks you couldnt even diagnose pneumonia . I definetely feel like i have to give it another go if for no other reason then to get some closure on this whole situation. It's pretty much been eating me up ever since i left her. I have honestly never felt so low as the time when i hugged and kissed her and we said goodbye. I had to leave her and that gutted me beyond words.

So as another year is almost done im left thinking that this was one hell of a year that is for sure. What have i got to show for it? Im no farther ahead then i was before and im in the exact same place as i was last year only with less hope. So where did this year get me really? Well ok i finally got to meet the girl i love more then anything else on this planet so atleast the first part of this year was awesome. It's too bad that the spring, summer and fall sucked balls .

I hope things turn around soon.

What if i like this depression. What if i want to see the whole shit come crashing down.

How far will I take self pity? Who else can I take down with me. Set myself on fire and see who dies from the smoke.

Do I need to lose every fucking thing? Even my mind.
Ah i can't even be bothered to write this shit.

Today is Thursday, November 11,2010 and it is now 330PM here in Mindano, the Philippines.

Last Entry: So long ago it doesn't matter but if anyone is keeping track it was September 25, 2010.

This Entry: Of late I have been spending more than a bit of time in a nation called Guinea in Equatorial Africa. I can't really say much about that than to say that for a supposed"Narco State"there wasn't a whole lot of fun for a diehard junkie such as myself. If it wasn't for loved ones bringing me what I needed it would have been worse than Cebu,2007.

Since that fun episode is lost to history, now that BL Journals have floated off into the ether, I might as will kill a bit of time reminiscing.

Rizza,myself and Dad went over to Cebu. I had taken 2 bottles of 20mg morphine tablets for what should have been a 3 day trip... plus 1.5 days on the ferry, total to and fro. For the mathamatically challenged amongst you, that's a paltry 2000 mgs of IR (Instant Release Hypodermic Tablets). I should have been OK with 450 mgs a day and a bit to spare, especially since I was well medicated when we went through the security controls and onto the boat.

In the Philippines there is a quaint little thing called,"Philippine Time."If you invite someone for an afternoon they might show up at 8PM, or else they may not show up until the next day. I am well aware of this cute local custom,just as I am aware of the Filipinos inability to say,"No."All SE Asians are like that, its about,"saving face,"not causing shame or overt anomosity.

I planned to ask Dad on the 2nd evening about making sure we returned to Mindanao on time.The 2nd evening came and Dad was gone. Unlike Mom, Dad was born on Cebu and it is where his parents and most of his siblings still lived. Dad had gone out to Compostela to stay in his old house, to visit with the folks. They had no phone (south of Luzon it is extremely rare to even see a land line) and Dad,amazingly even now, doesn't use a cell phone.

I asked Rizza and she assured me Dad was well aware, etc.,and so forth.

The evening on Day 3 saw me eat my last tablets (I don't inject) and take the last 4 or 5 for good measure. I would rather be sick on land I thought than on an Economy berth with a couple of hundred sullen brown faces watching me shit on my self.

Morphine addicts, those of us who use IR can last at most 8 hours between fixing. By 4AM the fun began. With that wonderful mental state that makes you feel like nothing is right with the world you begin getting hot and cold flashes and then you have to pee every 10 minutes,literally.
Uncontrollable yawning begins and then sweats, stomach cramping and runny diahrrhea.

I am a very stable man and aside from my 8 days dry run when my methadone finished the previous July I hadn't had any sickness at all in decades. Poor Rizza,expecting it to be as it was when I sick from methadone...

Methadone addicts swear its the vilest opiate/opioid in the world to detox off of but most couldn't explain the pH Scale let alone the physiological processes involved.They feed off each others' blind fear and bank on old wives' tales. Methadone takes a LONG time to get out of your system... Morphine? 72 hours and the last 24 aren't bad at all.. but there are 36 to 30 hours that will bring ANYONE to their knees, especially someone like me with a 24 year run under their skin.

By the mid-morning I could no longer walk the stairs to the 1 commode in our Cebu house. I asked for a pop bottle and did my best. Then it quickly devolved to me standing at that 2nd floor window in 1 of the most congested areas in the country and simply aiming for the river below & not always getting my aim correctly.

By the evening I was literally screaming at Rizza to leave me the fuck alone. I have had dysentery in the field,etc,etc and am not used to someone fluttering around worried. I begged her to leave me on my own and I will handle it but she couldn't...and I don't blame her.What does she know about THAT? She thought I was dying.

I had a 75mg vial of Meperidine/Pethidine/Demerol but as I said,I don't inject. The Philipines loves to be difficult and these vials have little tops u have to snap off. Sure that I would fuck it up and smash a glass vial into the palm of my hand if I even had the strength I asked Rizza to get her bro Nigel. Nigel,then,was 21 & in his last year of an RN course. Unfortunately school is a lot different in the Philippines,or at least Southwestern University WAS...he hadn't a clue.

Dad strolled in at 1PM, and swore I would die. I let them push me into the car and we drove over to Southwestern's hospital.

I asked the doctor to prescribe morphine. In the Philippines there is a 2 tier prescription system. "Dangerous Drugs,"the equivalent of the American"Controlled Dangerous Substance" requires a special liscence to prescribe. This liscence,"S2" is rare. Most large hospitals have a single MD on staff at any given time who can write at will. The MD was NOT an S2.

Doctor:"What's wrong?"

Me:"I was wounded when I was 17 and I have been habituated since, here is my stack of Philippine S2 Prescription Receipts. "

Dr:"I cannot write you a prescription, I will have to page the Dr who can. Can you wait?"

*I had feces running down my leg & since I was in loose shorts... I made a very nice presentation

Me:"What do you think? Huh?"

Dr,trying to seem like he gives a flying fuck:"Would you like an injection of Nubain?"

*Nubain is the trade name for nabulphine hcl,the only opiate/opioid in the US that is unschedualed. You can find a Tylenol 3 Schedualed but not nabulphine. The reason of course is because it has practically ZERO abuse potential. Strongly antagonistic, if an addict of any other opiate/opioid (other than nabulphine) takes the substance they immediately go into severe and acute withdrawal. That said...the only place in the world where this substance is abused happens to be Cebu City,poor,poor,poor Filipinos...

I don't know if he was baiting me or actually trying to accomodate me but I gave him a lecture on what antagonism would do to me at that moment...

To be continued...

Last few days have been terrible. I am down so down.

I'm trying to move on.
And you come over dressed like that?
And get pist when I wanna take what little clothes you have on off?
Hmmmmmm sounds like you're toying with me. I'm not gonna tell you to go away, or anything like that.
I just wanted to talk to you face to face but you brought it'd be a good idea to hang a prize out in front of my face. That's fucked, honey.
You remember how we used to say how wrong it was to tease people? Not just sexually, but in every way there is.
You've become that, thank you. Yours just making it easier to let you go.