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I really did. Wow, so much shit hit the fan at the same time but then main clencher was that my wife told me to get out. And she knows that I don't have any friends or any place else to go. My family is half a world a way, and I don't don't like them. And I don't have any money. So she screamed at me like the whistle blow at the shift end, and I loaded all the stuff that I can call mine and I made her give me my xanax - she gave me 20 mgs and I grove to the levy and took all the xanax thinking it would make killing myself easier, and I waded out into the river and started slicing my wrists. I tried about ten ten good times on each wrist, across and with the veins, and in no case was I able to slice well and truely.

So then I guess the xanax made me feel relaxed and I felt better so I stopped wanting to die. So I was barefoot and wrapped my hands in a sheet and drove home and asked my wife to check me into the hospital. She drove me to the hospital and then after about 24 hours they discharged me to a sanitarium - a very fine place - where you can snack any time, make coffee, make toast and where they have four group sessions of therapy a day and it was a really meaningful experience.

I learned alot about myself, not the least of which was that my medication was causing me distress and high blood pressure. Alot of which went into the factors of what made me try to off myself.

I am so glad that I didn't cut some important nerve or vein and lose use of my hand. I am an artist and if I couldn't use my hand I would be really sad. I will continue on with this blogging of this for awhile because I have been feeling really bad lately and there's no solutions. Just suicide isn't also any solution either.

Yea so I went to the doctor because I convinced myself I had endocarditis. You guys should of seen the look on this dudes face when I tell em im a junky and this long speel about why I think I have it the whole time I am rambling looking at the floor and shit. He just has this look like WTF so I finish he listens to my heart tells me its always a possibility but that I would be deathly ill and that I dont have a heart murmur but that my glands are swollen so he writes me pennicillan. Well the thing is my glands near my throat have been swollen for months so my dumbass comes home and gets on the net and bam now I think I have lymphoma. Great fuckin wonderful cause I dont have any real problems to worry about right?fuck. I think I just want to worry about my physical health so I dont have to worry about my mental health or my ever escalating suboxone and xanax dependance.

Then I find out that an old dope friend died of an OD and that my other dope friend is gonna get charged with manslaughter for not calling an ambulance and supllying the drugs. This girl who died has been clean for awhile
she was upper class definatly not a low down dope fiend acting type person. while me I have tried to kill myself with dope 4 times and I am still here you know why her? Who makes these decisions its not fair she gets to peacfully OD while im gonna die from lymphoma great. What a selfish bitch right? Man thats mean RIP and all that shit but damn life is crazy. Or maybe im just crazy?

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing thats for damn sure.

hello I am new to bluelight but have been reading posts on here for the past year or so... I just wanted to put a couple things out there that i havent heard to much discussed on here. I have been doing oxys for a couple years really hard at times doing up to 300mg a day and not even getting high from it. I have recently gotten into a suboxone program which saved my life.. I have slipped a few times in the past 7 months with a recent one that cost me about 3 grand over three weeks.

one of my main things these days is how much i love to actually take out my cologne cap (excellent tool btw) and crush the little blue 30s. the process in itself is something that I have become addicted to. the other day i took a half a sub (4mg) and 2 hours later broke up 4 blues to rail them just for the hell of it knowing that the suboxone would block (or overcompete) at my receptors and basically give me no affect. i keep seesawing back and forth which each time i go back i say never again yada yada yada.

my other question is that is it more effective to rail one 30 at a time in intervals or just do the pile all at once or does it not really matter either way?? thanks and sorry if i broke rules here but again this is my first post and will learn from this if told....

Three ways to win your heart?
HONESTY, respect, and open communication.

Do you like lightning?
No.

Ever cut someone else's hair?
Yeah I do it all the time for my dad, brother, and my fiance. I've tried to cut a girl's hair but I royally fucked it up. Oops!

Last person you said ‘i hate you’ to?
I don't remember.

Rain or sun?
Sun!!

Last stupid thing you said?
I say stupid shit on a daily basis.

Biggest turn off?
Insecurity, CHEATERS, and ignorant people.

Fave movie?
I have way too many.

Would you date someone that smokes?
Of course;; I smoke.

Would you date someone addicted to drugs?
I have. Once again, that would be hypocritical.

Biggest turn on, physically?
Nice teeth, nice face, decent body (doesn't have to be a body builder but a toned body would be nice), nice eyes, CLEAN. I'm not a big fan of facial hair.

Would you have sex w. someone you weren’t dating?
I have before but I don't do that for the most part.

Ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them?
I've missed someone but we broke up for a reason so I can't say that I regretted it.

Ever dated someone more than once?
Yes.

If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?
T.I. Yum! haha

Relationship status?
Engaged.

Do you like cuddling?
I love it.

Do you hold grudges?
I try not to but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

Regret dating anyone?
YES.

Hugger or kisser? Style?
Kisser. I'm a very sensual person, and very romantic.

Missing someone?
Romantically, no. I am missing my older daughter && my mom though. *They live 900 miles away...*

Most important lesson you’ve learned from your exes?
Don't take people back 5 million times. If they do something messed up enough for you to leave them, they won't change.

Happier single or in a relationship?
I'm happy both ways but I personally prefer to be in a relationship. I like knowing I have someone to cuddle with at the end of the day.

How important are looks?
Important. Looks are the first thing that draw your attention to someone.

Would you rather date someone SUPER-HOT or nice?
not sure

Do you stay friends with people you’ve dated?
some.

Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
No because if I'm important to them, they'd be with me && not even put me in the position to fight over them.

Kiss on the 1st date?
Yeah why not? These days, most people have sex on the first or second date lol kissing is nothing.

If someone cheated, would you take them back if you really loved them?
Nope. That's the ultimate betrayal.

A random guy comes up to you and says “who the hell are you”? What do you say back?
"Who the fuck are YOU?"

Are you spoiled?
I used to be, not anymore.

Three things you would not tolerate in a relationship?
Cheating/Insecurity/Someone who repeatedly hurts me.

33. which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute?
I can think of a few.

34. did you miss anyone today?
My mom/older daughter.

35. last person to see you cry?
My fiance. I've been really stressed lately so I've been crying a lot more than usual.

36. Who/what made you cry?
Money problems.

37. are you a forgiving person?
A little TOO forgiving, if you ask me.

38. would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?
Definitely NOT. I'm not into that.

39. i’ve come to realize the last person who gave me a hug…
is my amazing younger daughter and i love her more than anything.

40. are most of your friends guys or girls?
I used to have more guy friends but now I have more girl friends. I don't consider a lot of people true friends though.

41. how long does it take you to get ready to go out ?
If I need to take a shower/blowdry my hair, it takes about an hour and a half minimum. If I don't need to take a shower, it probably takes about 50 minutes.

42. how many people do you know of named Adam ?
4

44. what was the last thing you burnt ?
I don't remember.

45. what is your full name?
None of your business.

46. do you worry about the size of boobs?
No, I love my boobs. I'm a 34C.

47. are you addicted to gossip?
No, but I enjoy reading gossip magazines and stuff like that....

48. what are your favorite magazines?
Cosmopolitan, Life and Style, In Touch, etc.

49. did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy/girl?
Yep

50. did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
I'm sure I have. lol

51. what’s the biggest turn on about guys/girls?
...?? Not sure.

52. what color do you absolutely despise?
I don't like olive green lol it's hideous.

53. have you set your hair on fire?
wtf??

54. have you ever ran into a door because you didn’t see it?
LOL yep.

55. have you lost a friend recently?
Not recently but I've lost quite a few friends in the past...

56. is it easier to forgive, or to forget?
forget

57. do you give out second chances too easily?
unfortunately yes

58. is it awkward when you run into your exes?
Not usually.

59. have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Lol oh yes.

60. is your life simple or complicated?
pretty damn complicated

61. are you taller than 5′4″?
I'm 5'6".

63. is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
No. Naturally I have dirty blonde hair. Right now I have brown hair with blonde highlights.

64. does everything really happen for a reason?
I believe so, though sometimes it takes a while for that "reason" to show up. (Good answer. I just left it as it was.)

65. tell me something people may not know about you.
I'm VERY insecure.


DO IT!! You know you want to.

3:47 a.m.
The past never seems very far away simply a memory a way, a flickering of the eyes and bam im there. Its summer its hot the sweat is a stark contrast to the chills and butterflys in my legs and stomach starring at the phone trying to will this asshole to call me with those magic directions. It feels like eternaty those minutes roll by like lifetimes lifetimes of suffering. i curse my dealer curse myself curse the heat everything sucks until all of a sudden it rings and in a few minutes all is right in the universe.

I snap to feeling nostalgic damn I miss that life. Its fucked up its like I crave pain I love misery I wish I could understand why I am like this. In my heart of hearts I know im fucked I got it bad like this dude in rehab told me " you got a few relapses in you yet" I hate to know that but its true. The fact is that I love drugs they are a part of who I am without them I am lost.

Nita: well i do!! you are probably one of the most talented people i have ever encountered, and i am not just saying that either

Me: Thank you mrs bankston, I dont know what to say!
Sometimes I wonder if I intimidate people and thats why people keep their distance. I dont know but I get lonely sometimes

Nita: i have noticed in working with all types of people that individuals who are gifted in the art think differently and people don't get it... my son is like that
but those are some of the neatest people to be around... everyone focuses on the athletic kids... gets on my nerves

Me: I guess people think I am weird.
Cuz I listen to underground music and do stuff people dont normally do like play with turntables

Nita: well i would rather be weird than what they consider normal... everyone thinks i am weird and i finally got to a point that i don't give a rat's fuzzy a$$

Me: I dont know, things were all happening at once and really awesome, then time just stopped.
I feel like when I start making money, I will be able to get out more and things will get better.

Nita: you just have to get out of the rut!! just don't give up!!

Me: I am always in a rut.
seems like

Nita:
You WILL get out of it... everyone goes thru one at some point in your life! Just think, someday you will be all famous, have a supermodel wife, and be driving a bentley
lol

Me: I know right.

Wow. That made my day. What an amazing woman.

Three ways to win your heart?
Honesty, confidence, and a willingness to communicate.

Do you like lightning?
No.

Ever cut someone else's hair?
No.

Last person you said ‘i hate you’ to?
Can't remember, I try not to "hate" anyone.

Rain or sun?
Sun!!

Last stupid thing you said?
It's a long story that I hardly feel like getting into.

Biggest turn off?
Insecurity, clinginess, and neediness.

Fave movie?
Scarface, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Superbad, The Hangover, etc.

Would you date someone who smokes?
Sure.

Would you date someone addicted to drugs?
I would, as long as they were making an effort to quit.

Biggest turn on, physically?
Mouth, eyes, hair, and most of all a GREAT body. I LOVE muscles. A guy with tanned skin, blue or green eyes, nice facial features, kissable lips, a great smile, spiky-ish hair (I'm a sucker for fauxhawks), and muscles with some tattoos to top it off... that is my ideal guy (looks).

Would you have sex w. someone you weren’t dating?
I have before, but I'm not a fan of it. I slip up sometimes, but otherwise I refuse to sleep with a guy unless I'm dating them for at least a month or so.

Ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them?
Missed someone? Yes. Regretted the break up? Not at all.

Ever dated someone more than once?
Yes, once.

If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?
KELLAN LUTZ

Relationship status?
Single.

Do you like cuddling?
Depends on the person. Some people I hate it, other people I love it.

Do you hold grudges?
Not really, but I've got one or two, good reasons for it.

Regret dating anyone?
Yes.

Hugger or kisser? Style?
Kissing is my forte and I love it. Style... I guess I'd say soft, sexy, and passionate (but by passionate I do not mean sloppy). I'm a damn good kisser and proud of it.

Missing someone?
For once, no I'm not. Having been in the military and moving away from tons of my friends, and having had a few people die, I'm usually ALWAYS missing someone. This is a first.

Most important lesson you’ve learned from your exes?
To be honest, it's not really my exes I learn the lessons from. It's potential relationships that don't work out for one reason or another and don't get past the dating stage.. they're the ones I learn the most from.

Happier single or in a relationship?
I'm happy both ways. But give it a few more months and I'll probably say in a relationship. I miss having someone special around.

How important are looks?
Extremely important. I'm shallow, so sue me.

Would you rather date someone SUPER-HOT or nice?
Super hot.

Do you stay friends with people you’ve dated?
Yes.

Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
No, but if I like them enough, I'll fight FOR it to try to make it work.

Kiss on the 1st date?
Yeah why not? These days, most people have sex on the first or second date lol kissing is nothing.

If someone cheated, would you take them back if you really loved them?
Nope. That's the ultimate betrayal.

A random guy comes up to you and says “who the hell are you”? What do you say back?
"What the fuck?"

Are you spoiled?
I'm really not, but people think I am.

Three things you would not tolerate in a relationship?
Overbearing clinginess/neediness/jealousy, cheating and any form of disloyalty or dishonesty, and abuse of any type.

33. which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute?
I can think of a few.

34. did you miss anyone today?
Refer to above question that was very similar to this one. In short, no, and that's a first.

35. last person to see you cry?
Firstly, I do not like people to see me cry in general because I hate all of the questions that come with it and I don't like showing weakness. So when I do cry and there's people around, I try to go somewhere private before my crying becomes noticeable. That being said, sometimes this is impossible and there is no means of escape (like when you're in someone's car having a serious discussion). This happened to me about a week ago, with the guy I'm kinda interested in.

36. Who/what made you cry?
The guy that I'm kinda interested it lol. Plus missing someone (my ex who died) horribly.

37. are you a forgiving person?
A little TOO forgiving, if you ask me.

38. would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?
Hell no. I've heard of people having those "three-way" relationships, where three people are all together and dating and living with each other. I think it's fucking stupid and completely defeats the purpose of developing a connection with someone. That's the beautiful thing about relationships - developing a special connection with one person you can share your life with. Not developing a half assed connection with two people who you have to share your life with.

39. i’ve come to realize the last person who gave me a hug…
is awesome and a really chill and good friend of mine, and also hooks it up even fatter when I pay him all in $1's just because, "you took the time to count out all that money." He's the first person I call when I'm trying to get weed, just cause he always hooks it up fat regardless and always has the best weed.

40. are most of your friends guys or girls?
Guys

41. how long does it take you to get ready to go out ?
Depends where I'm going. If it's somewhere like with a random friend that I feel comfortable with and don't want to impress anyone, not that long, about ten or twenty minutes tops - I just brush my hair and teeth, throw on some shorts/jeans and a tank top/wife beater and flip flops, put on some quick moisturizer, blush, and mascara, and head out the door. I might put earrings on or something. On the flip side, if I'm going out with a guy I really like, or I'm going somewhere that there might be a bunch of hot guys who I DO want to impress, it takes much longer. Anywhere from a half hour to an hour and a half. In that case, I'll wash (if there's time) my hair, make sure it's styled, shower with the works (shaving and exfoliating and face wash), pluck any stray eyebrow hairs and fix my nail polish if need be, take my time picking out the perfect outfit and accessories, and put effort into my make up (moisturizer, blush, bronzer, smoky eyes, mascara, lip gloss with plumper, and maybe some sort of lip color), spray on some perfume, and then I'm done. It takes a while lol.

42. how many people do you know of named Adam ?
Zero.

44. what was the last thing you burnt ?
Er... I'm not sure.

45. what is your full name?
Give out my full name? On Bluelight, where I talk about drugs and extremely personal things all of the time? haha yeah right.

46. do you worry about the size of boobs?
Nope. My boobs are perfect. The only thing I worry about is finding a bra that fits perfectly, since I'm somewhere on the cusp of a B and a C.

47. are you addicted to gossip?
If I start reading gossip sites/magazines, then yes I get into it and will read it for hours. Otherwise, no, it's not something I'm constantly thinking about.

48. what are your favorite magazines?
Cosmo and Transworld, as well as a few rag mags.

49. did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy/girl?
Sure.

50. did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
I think so, yeah. But then again, Toy Story 3 made me cry soo...

51. what’s the biggest turn on about guys/girls?
Attractiveness is the main one, honesty and good communication skills, and confidence. Plus being outstanding in bed.

52. what color do you absolutely despise?
I don't really "despise" any color. I guess I'm not a FAN of the darker ones like black, grey, and brown. I prefer brighter, happy colors.

53. have you set your hair on fire?
No...

54. have you ever ran into a door because you didn’t see it?
LOL yep.

55. have you lost a friend recently?
Yeah.

56. is it easier to forgive, or to forget?
Forgive.

57. do you give out second chances too easily?
Sigh... yes. Yes, I do.

58. is it awkward when you run into your exes?
Not at all, I usually try to talk to them and catch up, see how they're doing.

59. have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Lol oh yes.

60. is your life simple or complicated?
It's simple but I make it complicated.

61. are you taller than 5′4″?
Nope. An inch shorter.

63. is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
I have highlights, but sparingly, so yes for the most part.

64. does everything really happen for a reason?
I believe so, though sometimes it takes a while for that "reason" to show up.

65. tell me something people may not know about you.
Even though I give off an air of being the most confident person in the world (which I am for the most part), I am secretly insecure about where I stand with certain people and the way I look on a certain day, every once in a while.

Is oxycontin better then oxycodone i get the medicine legally of course and every doctor says something else.I cant afford the operation i need and cant funtion without the pain pills its really hell.I also take 2 mg xanex iv had panic attacks for yrs and agorbaphobia and i lived in NYC on Sept 11 and seen it all one block away. I have witnessed 3 terrorist attacks both on the trade centers and for the love of god i was in Madrid ,Spain when the trains got bombed so my nerves are shot.I often ask god when i pray why you put my eyes to see these haunting images and the pain im in is extreme. I wouldnt make it without the pain meds and forget about quiting xanex i tried just drank to calm down ,these are serious medical issues and doctors all agree the xanex is a a must for me, Now the pain management is so crazy every doctor has a diffrent drug i currently like the 30s mg i eat em dont mess around Have to hide the fact im taking it, people r crazy for it i wish i didnt have the pain, but i need an operation that i cant afford.they took my lic so i cant drive i tried disability they denied me, i have no way i can work phyically because of pain so i get rides to work WHEN I GET CALLED IN the depression in the US is unreal NO WORK!So money is tight oxycontin or oxycodone. OP or OC whats the diffrence people told me the op on the back of the oxycontin simply dont work aint spending 1200 dollars if they dont work .Need advise please someone without an agenda or a DR pushing what the pharmacuetical saleman tells him to push all sugestions will be apreciated. i take 8 to 10 30 mgs a day

I want to get high so bad. It's a blessing in disguise that he's gone, my one source, but all I seem to do lately is try to brainstorm a way to find some dope. And I'm sure I could if I worked at it, it just seems like too much of a hassle and I'm too depressed and have barely the energy to get up off my couch. Randomly drive around, put myself in a bad position, try to hang out where other users tend to hang out and make friends then bum one of their connects - I'm too lazy. So I sit around and eat pill after pill. They don't get rid of the craving but they take the edge off. Well, if I take enough I pass out - then I dream about dope. But at least I'm not conscious.

Today is the first day in a while that I didn't feel - I dunno, for lack of a better way of putting it - some actual mental anguish and physical ache in my bones for some dope. It's been over a month since I've used. All I want is dopedopedope, it's all I think about. Every day. Almost no one knows I've ever even used, I have no support in this, and the first chance I get to use, I know I'm going to. I'm just biding my time and suffering through this for now.

FUCK YOU for contacting me, FUCK YOU for forcing your way into my life, FUCK YOU for taking all my money and leaving me strung out and confused and wondering whether you are dead or alive. FUCK YOU for bailing on me, and FUCK ME for falling in love with you. And your dope.

i am having a rather hard time eating 1,000-1,200 calories. i think i am doing something wrong since most people seem to have a hard time staying under 1,200 calories. i've started eating breakfast and lunch, and i try to have a snack in the morning and a snack at night. like today i yogurt and a granola for breakfast, some carrots and grapes as a snack, chicken citrus salad for lunch, a healthy choice frozen dinner with almond milk for dinner. i'll prolly have a banana for a snack but all that is only about 900 calories.

its even harder to eat lots of food on weekends when i sleep in. i think i should buy some of those nasty protein drinks or something for when i don't feel like eating. or maybe i will eventually get used to this eating all day thing.

it is rather odd, i get all my mail and my husband has gotten none of his. its annoying cause right now we are sharing one debit card.

i decided to mail ourselves 2 postcards, one addressed to me and one to him. i kind of wonder what will happen.

this is how exciting my life is nowadays!

well I think i finally did it. Opiates have no effect on me any more. I no longer shoot dope. so snorting or eating pills is my only way of going about the secret ritual. I just stopped methadone a few weeks ago, after 10 years of use. I was perscribed 15 fentanyl 100mcgs for a few months.....nothing. i got a script for opana(ER) nothing there either. morphine.....only a stomach ache. I get oxy 30s. but i only take them to help me remember what its like to snort something worth the trouble. Im on disability and i have an awsome doctor. so I get pretty much whatever i ask for. I just wish I could get that warm fuzzy all-is-well-in-the-universe feeling again. BUT I CAN'T. I can take enough shit to kill a horse. and I don't even get sleepy. I hate it. SO........I have resorted to drinking like a civ. ughhh...... the only thing I havent been perscribed is subutex. I cant believe it. I finally ran out of options

It was almost irresponsible how relieved I was to be fired from my job last night. I have crossed the line. There are a hundred different reasons why I could be critical of my boss, my family, myself, doctors, friends, but I am no longer putting any of those things in the equation. i am going to be a taker, full time. Ever since I was 16, people have been trying to turn me into a criminal. I worked like a good-natured, scared, abused dog at my first job, and they scapegoated me for large amounts of theft occurring at the store. I was ridiculously innocent, but they said that I could pay them $600 and they wouldn't tell my father. So I took the bait and they arrested me. I fought the case and won, but I believe that that night in jail was the first major catalyst in the development of someone very, very bad. As the years go by, the frustration that people who treated me poorly aren't all fucked up financially or with major medical conditions grows stronger.

I'm really tired of only operating in the first two gears just to fit in. It's over. The complex system of morals that I've forcibly laid over my firmware since being beaten for doing the wrong thing as a child has no more place inside me. Instead of people having to wonder whether I'm friend or foe, whether I'm smart or dumb, whether I'm cool or clueless, they are going to know right away that I am here to fuck up the fun. My stomach hurts, my head always feels like it's about to explode, and I am very bitter about life. I'm not going to be cool to be around anymore. I'm out of the cage now.

Just wondering if anyone knows anything about BACLOFEN? My friend took some and is in bad shape right now. 8(

Can it cause flu like symptoms the next day if one hasn't taken it in 7 months? Like as in the person got a prescription in January 2011, has taken a few then (that month) but has touched them since and took 3 10mg pills of them 2 nights ago and wakes up sick yesterday.

I know that someone can have a bad reaction because of improper storage and the breakdown of the narcotics etc etc. but could the flu like symptoms be withdrawals? or a bad reaction to the Pain meds? or just a random coincidence? Would the pills be expired?

Not sure if its pill related or just the actual stomach flu.

Fever, headache, severe stomach cramps, lack of appetite, gas, hot and cold chills, diarrhea and lethargic were all for the first 24hrs and now its just stomach cramps, diarrhea, gas and lethargic-ish.

If anyone knows anything, please comment.


Thanks.

The boy felt paranoid, afraid, lost in another world. Before hitting the joint everything had been normal for nearly 16 years. Now the world had transformed into a dark and scary place.

"Are the neighbors home? Why are we making so much noise?" he questioned irritably. His friends, lost in the bliss of the smoke, merely shrugged off his fears and insecurities without consequence.

This world he was in was real. It was like a dream. It was slowly moving in a constant motion, taking surreal turns. Words required effort to pronounce. "I" "The" "but" all required intense thought. Was this even english? What if the language he was speaking could be misinterpretted to reveal his previous activities? Everyone would know that he, the boy, was HIGH.

The devil himself was snickering. He had lured one of god's faithful sheep into the cage of marijuana. The only escape was...

There was no escape. Having realized that initiated a panic. What if this feeling would last forever? What if he was trapped in this realm of hell for all eternity because of one puff on a joint? The boy felt like crying, he put his hands on his face. His entire mind was cramping in agony.

Where am I? he thought. He was now in the woods. Where are the police? I hope they don't find me. his friends felt little sympathy as my current self would also feel.

The boy's mind was alive and it was eating away at every possibility of a possibility. Every solution of every possible algorithm of events had been preordained and he felt very little power over choosing which one would happen next. He knew for sure that he would get caught. There was no faking how he felt on the inside. It was almost as if someone had stamped the word, "MARIJUANA" on his forehead for the world to see. The boy felt shame and, at the end of the day would, very unfortunately, not regret his actions.

Having now moved to a game-room, he was watching a movie, drinking soda and enjoying the lengthy effects of the drug of the tetrahydrocannabinol sort. Having a clearer head, he managed to speak his mind, now joking about the way he felt earlier among his friends. Walking into his own home was not at all scary, but in fact fun, as the drug seemed to intensify positive emotions. He was glad to finally be home and know that his parents did not suspect the use of any criminal substances, that only thugs and hoodlums use.

I'll probably do these every one in a while, like I will with my attempts to organize my thoughts (in reference to my first blog) so I might as well make it into it's own little "mini-series" so to speak as well. But moving on to the matter at hand, yeah?

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
Personal is practically my middle name. At least on BL. I don't hold ANYTHING back on this site, hah. There's no reason to - everyone is in the same (if not similar) situations. It's one of the things I love best about this community.

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
Of course. How am I going to deny something if I've been caught red-handed?

The last time you felt honestly broken?
Recently. As in, last week. Things just kept building and building, and then one thing happened, and suddenly I found myself broken. Things have improved significantly since then, but I came pretty close to feeling the same way last night. Not broken though, just extremely lonely and missing someone badly.

Are you craving something?
Yes. A good opiate high, sex, and weed. In that order. None of which I can get at this particular moment. I'm on Suboxone so I couldn't get a high even if I shot heroin (which I never have, but still. Just trying to illustrate the point that Suboxone makes it impossible to get high off of opiates.) There is only one person I'm currently sleeping with, but it's 6:30 in the morning, so I'm obviously going to have to wait. And one person who I HAVE slept with and still want to sleep with, but the situation is complicated so I'm not sure that's the best idea right now. I somehow managed to break BOTH of my pipes within the course of a week, so I have no way to smoke weed.
"You can't always get, what you wa-aaant..."

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
One of the above. Obviously. Although I would trade all three of those things in a heartbeat for just ONE more day with someone. Hell, even one more hour. But you can't bring people back from the dead, now can you? No. So I guess I'll go with the first three. But he really is all I want... too bad it's impossible.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
None. Ten is WAY too much.

What do you hear right now?
The sounds of silence- cars driving by. Random groans and creaks every once in a while, from my house settling. Palm trees creaking outside in the wind. Birds chirping. The sound of silverware clinking together as my parents eat breakfast and get ready for work. The air conditioner turning on. It's amazing the things you hear when everything is "silent". True silence doesn't really exist. But all of those little sounds you hear in silence are still peaceful, if you stop and listen.

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
Yep.

What’s on your mind right now?
Basically everything, too much to put into words.

Are you there for your friends?
Most definitely. I'm extremely loyal - one of my strongest traits.

Last person to see you cry?
The guy I was referring to above.... the one where I said it's a complicated situation.

What do you do when you get nervous?
Pop a few xanax. Go shopping (always helps, without fail). Or do something stupid like just sit and think... which, of course, only increases my anxiety.

Be honest, do you like people in general?
Yeah actually, I do. Which is quite surprising considering people are the reason for most of my problems hah.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
Not sure.

Does anyone completely understand you?
Yes, but he's long gone, so.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Yes. But there's enough other shit going on at the moment to make me NOT want to smile. I'll settle for one of these instead:

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Yeah, several people. All lies. They all did something to screw it up in the end, or they left themselves, or they just went and died on me.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
Hell yeah. I'd rewind back to May 1, 2007. I wish I could do my entire military career over again. Be a better Marine (even though I was already a damn good one as it was... just not the best recruit.) Avoid certain people. Pay more attention to others. Most importantly, I wouldn't have left "him" behind, because I know how much it hurt him. And if I hadn't done that, maybe I could have prevented him from leaving as well. Maybe I could have kept him at Parris Island, instead of letting him head over to a deployable unit. Maybe, if I had just stuck around for a few more months... then maybe, he would still be around.

Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
My mom, yes. Pretty much.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
No.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
Probably, lol. I'm waiting for it.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Yes, yes I can. The answer is absolutely no one. I don't develop feelings for people easily at all.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
A combination of all three, depending on the day. But I tend to think about the past and the future more than the present. That's probably the reason I tend to get somewhat "stuck" a lot of the time.

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
It varies. Sometimes none, other times 4-5, other times 8, and other times 12 or so.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
Same person who last saw me cry.

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
I'm 23.

Do you have siblings?
Yeahh.

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
haha yes.

How has the past week been for you?
A fucking rollercoaster.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Yep.

What’s on your mind right now?
Everything.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Falling asleep on and off while watching TV.

What is your current mood?
A bit numb. A bit hopeful. A lot lonely. And a little bit sad.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Same person I said that I last had a serious conversation with.

Will this week be a good one?
I'm going to try to make it one. But then again, I always say that lol and something bad ends up happening anyways. It's been alright so far despite my strange frame of mind... hopefully it will continue that way and hopefully I'll be able to clear my head a bit as well.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
A couple of things.

Who were you with last night?
My family.

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Yeah.

Next time you will kiss someone?
Idk, but hopefully soon, cause I need to get some.

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Um.. usually it's kind of both.... like you lock eyes and then you both start moving in at the same time.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
It's still too early in the week to tell, but yeah, I'm sure I'll end up doing something.

I used to live in the future thinking of all the crazy things I wanted to do all the lines I would blow the smoke I would inhale the partys I was gonna go to. Well I did it I went all the way as far as I could I got everything I wanted. Now all I have are memorys of people places and things I cherish these memorys I just dont see how life will ever be as good as it was. I realize it was the people that made it great I had some wonderful friends I called them my brothers now we dont speak. What happened? Four years is a long time alot of things have happened if I could go back I would have enjoyed those times more damn if I only knew then what I do now.

People tell me im better now they tell me how great im doing how much better I look. I smile and thank them politely thinking what a load of shit that is if they only knew how I felt. I gave up so much for heroin that I wonder if I can really stand not to go back it feels like im cheating myself out of the life I made. If I cant be happy then why shouldnt I be miserable with a needle in my arm? I know I romanticize heroin but it did give my life a purpose I always had something I had to do there was excitment and that feeling of walking on the edge anyday could of been my last everytime I pressed down the plunger I wondered is this it will I be set free?

There was this short time in my life when I was 18 when I had self confidence I remember it like a dream the anxiety I had felt all my life slipped away I was free. I had a big group of friends and we where close very close we partyed every weekend smoked everyday and I was happy. I guess I just crave acceptance but I cant seem to figure out how to get it. I keep hoping one day im gonna wake up and be confident like be able to look a girl in the face and speak whats on my mind be able to have normal human interactions that I crave. Maybe one day

I got a hold or some real MDA this past weekend. My boyfriend and I both took it in the early morning at this club that we often go to. I was expecting it to be someone similar to MDMA, like the overall "good" feeling, with some cool visuals.

First, the come up SUCKED. Now I had mdma comeups but they last 30 mins - 1 hour. I puke and it's over with, then I feel amazing. I puked on MDA THREE TIMES ... and did not feel better after any of them! I kept thinking "oh this will be it" and I'll feel good. But nope! Nothing! I never felt "good" or "happy" or anything. I tried to dance a bit to shake off the feeling but that didn't work. I sat down and tried to relax but that didn't work either. I was so antsy as well. I would get up, walk around in like circles or something, sit down, get up again, etc. We even went back to my place instead of staying at the club. We're both incredibly comfortable with the club (it's kind of like a lounge and a club) but thought it might be better to lie down at my place. I could not get comfortable in my bed or anything so we went back to the club so we could get distracted by the music and other people.

Eventually the come up faded ... although it took about two hours to get over the antsy and incredibly sick feeling. I still felt kind of sick, but just a bit nauseous, I knew I wasn't going to throw up again. I did a bit of dancing but it was not fun. For a couple hours we just kind of went back and forth. Dancing a bit, sitting a bit, standing outside, etc.

The MDA made me feel extremely disoriented and clumsy. I was falling over everywhere and could not keep my balance. This has not happened (to the extreme) on anything else except maybe mushrooms a bit. I didn't really enjoy this as it was kind of obvious that I was on something. I couldn't walk in a straight line, I was stumbling.

As for the visuals ... perhaps this is because I have had experience with other psychedelics (mushrooms, 2ci, 2ce, acid) but the visuals sucked. To me, it just felt like my eyes were really blurry. Things didn't even look "better" ... they looked the same, just blurry!

We eventually started to sober up. We were actually feeling better, the more sober that we got. I found this amusing because normally I'm wishing I could stay high for longer.

We ended up taking some pure MDMA after that as we really wanted to enjoy ourselves.

All in all: I hated the MDA. Didn't seem like there were any benefits. Visuals sucked. The feeling sucked. The come up was the worst! (and I've had some brutal come ups on MDMA, mushrooms, 2c-x) I would not try it again and I would not recommend it to others.

Fuckkk! My job doesn't earn enough for rent. My landlord stole my money and made me pay a whole bunch of extra money so I've got nothing. Yeah I'm going to court but it's in another month!! I still have a month without money. I owe my previous landlord $100 for staying at her place an extra few days while my landlord bailed on me and wouldn't return my money! Fuck I don't have $100. I'm only like $300 in debt but STILL!

On top of it, my pay cheque didn't come in this month. So at the end of September, I should be getting money back from the landlord and two month's worth of pay. That'll be great - then! But for now, what the fuck do I do? I am trying to find every little penny I have. I'm trying to sell my stuff to get money to pay rent. Fuck fuck fuck!

At least I don't have to pay other rent til October 1 (thank goodness). So I have some time.

I don't even buy drugs, fuck, I get most of them just given to me, I'm obviously not going to buy any now!

I can't even do my "job" this week stupid ridiculous arggg!

That's my vent ....

stole it from @socalgirl

Hi, my name is: Sarah

Never in my life have I been: 100% happy

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my man

High school was: I wouldn't know, I barely went. haha

When I'm nervous: I shake

The last time I cried was: a couple days ago

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: no one. i'm dealing with a lot of 1-sided friendships right now, and no one would deserve to be my maid of honor.

My hair is: past my shoulders, layered, light brown with blonde highlights

When I was 10: my family was still a family

Last Christmas: was good.

I should be: looking for a job

When I look down I see: the remote/my cell phone

The happiest recent event was: my court case getting continued again

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: no one. i hate that show.

By this time next year: i hope to be making good money && living on my own.

My current gripe is: fake ass friends.

I have a hard time understanding: how people say they "love" and "care about" someone, but they fail to be there when the person really needs them and/or treat them like total shit.

There's this girl I know that: tries wayyy too hard to be me.

You know I like you when: i want to spend a lot of time with you.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my man

Take my advice: don't ever try heroin.

Something that I really want to buy is: some new clothes/shoes

If you visited the place I was born: you'd see how ghetto it is.

I plan to visit: my mom/my older daughter soon.

If you spend the night at my house: you'd see how damn loud everyone is while you're trying to sleep.

I'd stop my wedding if: i found out he cheated.

The world could do without: hate

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: go back to jail.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: my juicy couture purse

Most recent thing someone else bought me: clothes

My favorite blonde is: my daughter

My favorite brunette is: kim kardashian

My favorite redhead is: my friend regan

My middle name is: Elizabeth (ew.)

This morning I: watched tv with my daughter && boyfriend && ate dunkin donuts.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: humans! haha

Once, at a bar: i sang karaoke

Last night I was: sleeping

There's this guy I know who: ratted me out like a punk bitch && sent me to prison.

I don't know: why i don't go back to dancing && make that $$$

A better name for me would be: ???

Tomorrow I am: going to the methadone clinic && the dentist

Tonight I am: watching jersey shore, keeping up with the kardashians, && jerseylicious

My birthday is: December 3, 1988

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: for my boyfriend to do something romantic. ((i can dream, right?!))

I can sing: somewhat

I like a guy named: Tom

My best friend's name: Tom

View attachment 10208

It hurts me more than anything else to know that I miss you. I hate myself for it. You didn't treat me right. It wasn't all my fault. But I still miss you. I am really concerned about you. I hope nothing bad will happen to you. Last time, because you didn't want to talked to me, I couldn't warn you. I want to tell you everything but you don't want to have to do anything with me.

The hardest thing to do is the right thing to do.

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saw a few posts in TDS vent/rant - and decided to make a Blog...Its big in my life too.

so, DAVE ;-)

i have a Marinol prescription, 5mg, 3x a day. its absolute junk.

its only THC. i would need 65+ mg to start to actual help, and that was before when i wouldnt vomit. Oil is what i hoard now, ~35mg maybe 50 - in 3 oz of Half and Half nuked for 44 seconds is very affective to me.

or, even combusting and smoking a hit at a time it will nab my inflammation, and help with nausea in a great way.

what i think people miss with edibles, and vaporizing is the THCV on-set "rush", but that is only something we become accustomed to, so we get over that eventually.
CBDs, are so so important...
my doctor, PCP, has offered me delivery of MMJ, is going to get info about a Community-Garden -- in my actual area. he has offered a spray version that is to be taken sub-lingually, i have tried and liked, found Topical applications or Epsom Salt infusion very very helpful.

... this is what i do all day, big big differences between Glycerol, Alcohol, and Fat extractions. i ate a 2g edible, very very strong tasting, it was good, $25 good gifted, but it didnt do anything!
i think it was a glycerol extract...i will use a couple of drops of Vanilla extract when using Hash, or a + a bit of butter in the 1/2-1/2 with Hash, havent found a need to with Oil, but this works well on me -- i would of guessed a Fat extr. would not, seeing as how i have Zer0 fat on me.


okay. ill leave it at that, im going to go make an Oil Espresso - talked me into it.
my T1 & T2 vertebrae are PISSED, if it has a notable reaction with this inflammation, ill surely post if so.
___________________________
Edit:
wow i havent done that in a week or so, and already - i just caught myself stretching out rubbing the back of my neck-T1-T2 haha
;-)
that would of been $100 or so in Marinol/Dranibinol...
if it worked for the inflammation, that is....

Since I'm in one of those strange moods.

Like, where you're sort of so overwhelmed and there's just SO MUCH going on, that it almost becomes too much and you don't know what to make of it all? And your mind just sort of shuts off and becomes numb in a way?

Yeah, that's how I feel right now. Probably not the best time for my first blog, since I have so much to say but no way to say it. Each area of my life is a whole blog on it's own. There is no way I could manage to organize all of my thoughts on one blog. In order to sift through the way I'm feeling and actually figure shit out, I'd have to focus on one area at a time and write everything out and then analyze it in minute detail... and I am far too impatient to do that right now. Maybe tomorrow or the next day or even later today, who knows. Maybe if I just do one thing at a time instead of trying to focus on everything at once? Who knows...

Blah it's just everything. School. Career. Finances. Family. Interpersonal relationships. Love (though love lost is more like it). Addiction. Anxiety/PTSD. Myself (I'm 100% content with the way I look and my body for the most part, it's just character flaws I'm thinking of that I want to fix, but don't quite know how.) Shit from my past, I know there are triggers but it's always the most random things and at the most random times. Ugh... just EV.ER.Y.THING.

I'm beyond frustrated right now, I don't even. And at the same time, I don't even know what there is to complain about... I know I have a fresh start in many areas, and could create a fresh start in the rest if I had the means to and I knew how... but it's like I have all these demons haunting me. Holding me back somehow. And the worst part is, is that I know I have SO much more to offer as far as life and personal relationships- both romantic and otherwise - and school and just the world in general, than I'm actually putting in. I know this isn't making sense to whoever might be reading this by the way, but I'm not really worried about that since it's my blog and it makes sense to meand that's all that matters. Plus I wouldn't be capable of organizing my thoughts even if I tried at this point.

Where was I? Right. So I know I have all this shit to offer. And as far as my PTSD/anxiety and the things from my past go and my character flaws and my addiction, I know I have the means to fix it. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT MOVING ALONG. And it's freaking FRUSTRATING. It's like I make progress... and then I just get stuck. I feel like I'm moving forward in certain areas, but it's still not enough... and then in other areas, I feel like I'm just taking ten steps back. Like with my addiction... I mean, I'm currently in treatment... but all the stress I've been under, it's just making it worse. I'm taking more of my xanax than I should, I upped my dose of Suboxone even though I'm not supposed to, and I think I would probably do just about anything at this point for ONE day of an opiate-induced frame of mind. I was always the most productive on opiates. Wasn't always that way... but then shit happened... and suddenly opiates were the only thing that could get me motivated to improve my life. Ironic, eh? Idk I'm just having the worst cravings right now. And a lot of it is just because I want to make some sort of progress. Seriously when I was on opiates, I was on a roll... I was doing great in school, had a wonderful boyfriend, doing great in my career, personal relationships, no anxiety or PTSD or things from my past popping up at random times... everything was almost perfect. What the hell happened to that?

Oh, right. I went on Suboxone and everything turned to shit. THAT'S what happened to that.

I am in no way living up to my full potential. I know this, and yet I just. can't. seem. to fix it. Or like, I just don't even know where to start.

K I have no idea where I'm going with this, my mind is a mess. Maybe I'll write another blog later, just focusing on one area of my life... see if I can put it into perspective and figure out a few ways to make things better... improve them in some way... but I don't quite have the focus to do that at this very moment.

So I guess I'll end this here.

Hah. What a waste of blog space.

'Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America' by Robert Whitaker

It's controversial, shocking and gripping. My library seems to have 7 holds on 2 copies, which means people are taking an interest. Rightly so and about time!

My belief: "mental" illness is psychosocial, not biological. Plastering the "biological" label on it conveniently erases the need to address origins of the problem.