This anger is NOT GOOD

It was almost irresponsible how relieved I was to be fired from my job last night. I have crossed the line. There are a hundred different reasons why I could be critical of my boss, my family, myself, doctors, friends, but I am no longer putting any of those things in the equation. i am going to be a taker, full time. Ever since I was 16, people have been trying to turn me into a criminal. I worked like a good-natured, scared, abused dog at my first job, and they scapegoated me for large amounts of theft occurring at the store. I was ridiculously innocent, but they said that I could pay them $600 and they wouldn't tell my father. So I took the bait and they arrested me. I fought the case and won, but I believe that that night in jail was the first major catalyst in the development of someone very, very bad. As the years go by, the frustration that people who treated me poorly aren't all fucked up financially or with major medical conditions grows stronger.

I'm really tired of only operating in the first two gears just to fit in. It's over. The complex system of morals that I've forcibly laid over my firmware since being beaten for doing the wrong thing as a child has no more place inside me. Instead of people having to wonder whether I'm friend or foe, whether I'm smart or dumb, whether I'm cool or clueless, they are going to know right away that I am here to fuck up the fun. My stomach hurts, my head always feels like it's about to explode, and I am very bitter about life. I'm not going to be cool to be around anymore. I'm out of the cage now.

 

 

 

being sick poor and pissed myself, heh, nice sugar plumb fairy btw, i have to imagine other people in the exact same situation - or preparing for it naively... its awful hell on earth, take that insight experience and anger and make it more of a lust for life!


magic through action and charity, it is perpetual
until it isnt even true anymore*
;-)

 

I'll keep chugging along the clean route for now... no choice, really.

 

im putting together a "post" to make on Craigs-List, looking for a person or 3 who may be interested in doing something to clean up a little before winter... to maybe show some appreciation for the Summer and all it brought good or bad, we are alive and capable enough anyway, here at the end of it.

i went a long a strip of my street and collected waaay too much junk, in maybe 15 minutes. some body needs to do it.



it pisses me off, and is nasty to find the stuff i do with no effort, always some little gram bags, condoms, needles, and all the stuff youd expect - seriously is this what i or we want to return to nature???
i dont care who i find to help me, as long as they have a vehicle, you or anyone can do the same right now, and with the right intention is one of the most important things that we could do.
;-)


turn the frustration and leading thought around into energy and ideas to work in your favor, i feel pride from doing the littlew i did, and will for a long time from now, even compared to a full night of my DOC.
which i am, but is totally inconsequential.