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Last night I lay in bed pondering the ways in which we make life so much harder for ourselves than necessary by maintaining and believing negative beliefs and thought-processes about ourselves.

I'm a financially responsible person, own a house, have a job, I have a few dear friends, I'm healthy and still, despite having built a life for myself that's far from terrible, there's this tendency to dismiss all of that because of.. what exactly?

Sometimes I'm lonely, sometimes I'm too passive and sometimes I wish I was able to socialize more, but true as that may be why then do I allow myself to be brought down by this if by any standard I lead a good life?

Why am I harder on myself than I'd be on someone else in a similar situation?

The answer eluded me. Perhaps it's to do with the nature of negativity, that this nature seems to draw attention to itself away from positivity. If that's all it is; just because water flows downstream, then it's should be quite "easy" to stay aware of this mechanism and, instead of floating along in a downward spiral, I'd talk to myself like I'd talk to someone else with similar issues; with understanding and compassion.

And so I did. And it worked. All it takes to break away from a negative self image is to be excellent to yourself.

Ofcourse I realise that there are people with issues that aren't that easily resolved, but to be excellent to yourself ís a first step to accepting yourself as you are, and if you still have a lot of ground to cover in that area, why not start here?

Start being excellent to yourself.

I am getting myself off the Oxy's for good. I took my last dose at 8am (15 min ago, and 15mg) and am starting this journal to write down my thoughts, or to just vent.

My habit was as follows. I started end of July. I was taking about 15-30mg a day. Around Aug 15th I started taking from 30-60mg a day. Last week I went 3 full days without taking any at all. Wasnt too sick, and thought I was better, but I ended up giving in and doing the rest of the ones i had, which I just finished 15 min ago.

I don tthink I will get too sick, but I need this mainly for mental purposes. To keep my head straight. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment, chime in, or whatever.

Yesterday evening was great. Got some supplies at the hydroponics store down the street. Then my friends and I went on a hike as soon as it cooled down outside. Hikes are great, there's nothing like getting to the top of the mountain, feeling pretty accomplished, and then smoking a bowl. I picked up some Chemist a few days ago at the dispensary, very strong Sativa high. At the base of the mountain there's a bunch of houses and from the top of the mountain we saw a bunch of cops driving through the area (cops are assholes here, they'll do whatever they can to get money from you). Then they started shining their lights around. What are a police officers morale's? Seems like they're always up to no good. Anyways after the Top O' the Mountain session, we proceeded down. And when we got to the bottom we didn't see any cops at all. What the hell were they up to? No good no doubt. So anyways we all parted ways and headed to our homes. When I got home I rewarded myself with a warm shower, a few beers, and a personal vapor session. I'm sure my sprouts will love the supplements I got them. I love plants so much ha-ha.
It's beautiful outside today, not to hot, but the suns out. I usually only smoke after 5pm (try to keep my tolerance down, i like to get very high when i smoke at night). This morning I couldn't resist. I pulled out my vaporizer and plugged it into the outlet on my porch. I think I have the best condominium in my community. My porch and windows look out onto a little park with a bench near a road, everyone else has a porch that looks onto other peoples houses or porches. Well so I had everything ready, except the coffee, while the vape was warming up I made myself a cup of joe. I had my morning session and way more baked than I anticipated ha-ha. I felt so good though, I've had a great week so far and I'll be finishing my economics class today and taking the final tomorrow, and then on to world literature and physics. I'm pretty excited. Guess I'm going to make some breakfast and get started on econ. It's going to be a good day I can feel it in my bones.[/IMG] my babies

I'm not sure how many of you have needy friends but I have a couple and sometimes they just drive me up the wall!

My one "friend" hasn't messaged me for a few weeks (we live in different cities now, done college together) and tells me how she broke up with her bf, she likes another guy, bla bla bla. Okay cool, whatever. But then she keeps wanting to call me. I don't want her to because I usually have other things going on in my life, like I'm doing work, doing projects, whatever, but I don't mind texting but calling is annoying, lol.

She's always like "oh you're such a good friend" cuz I do listen to her and stuff. But she won't listen to my advice, which I swear is right. And she freaks out if the guy doesn't call her back exactly at 9 pm if that's when he said he would. I have to listen to her for 10 mins before he calls, urg!

I totally couldn't date a needy person. My bf has a friend who is needy too and it drives him (and me, lol) up the wall. I love that my bf is not needy. I'm not *usually* needy either. I might have like once a month where I am needy to my bf only but he says it isn't bad really. Just I get worried about something or whatever. But not too bad.

My bf and I were laughing the other day about how we knew so many needy people!

I know that these people have other things going on in their lives. Like maybe they are insecure, jealous, bad childhood, mental or emotional disorders, oh who knows what. And I'm usually nice to them, but stilllll it can be annoying

Woke up a few times through out the night but when i finally got up i felt pretty good felt a bit more grounded. Benzo withdrawal is crazy sometimes i feel up sometimes i feel down, and sometimes i feel totally disconnected and lost, but i guess it something i am going to have to deal with for a while. All ready been eight months but it feels like a million years. Like being stuck in a busted elevator waiting for the maintenance guy to fish you out. The only thing i think now is to move forward. There is only forward.
Hopefully today i can get some music playing in that always makes me feel good.

I know it's best she has her own place as to not rush anything, we need to take it slow and easy but after having her here living with me in my home for a month, I really miss her being here. Though the kiddo is here, I still feel quite alone.

I had the chance to have her move in with me and I myself made the choice to take it slow, which in my head I know is right but everything else is screaming for her to come back.

It's stupid, she lives down the street from me, a 10 minute walk at most.

When you're engulfed in the person that you are so deeply in love with and is a part of your world, it's hard to let them go....even such a little distance.

We both were like, it's almost like we lived together and now she's leaving. She's not leaving, just in her own space but its still hard for me.

I'm insecure and paranoid, not that she'll cheat, I know she won't but in my head I'm thinking what if she enjoys being alone a little too much. What if she slowly stops coming around until I just don't see her anymore. Completely ridiculous but.... yeah its me.

I miss the company and conversation and since she's not online a lot, its hard, more so when I know she's so close. I can't even go see her. She lives in a student res and my kid is sleeping and even if not, he's too hyper for such a quiet house.

I'll be seeing her tomorrow but she's been sleeping with me in my bed all cuddled up to me for a month now. Now its only me in bed

When she first got the place earlier in the week she was like "Lets see how long we last before we need to be together all the time again".

I barely made it 5 minutes. I'm pathetic LOL

I guess i will have to deal with it, for at least till after Christmas. She said we'll talk about it in a year again but that's next August!

I dunno..... *sigh*

I just miss her a lot.

this thread is not to give ppl got ideas! but harm reduction and tips!
inckuding how to avoid addiction and tolerance


WARNING ON DEPRESSANT POLY DRUG USE, AND JUST POLY DRUGGING IN GENERAL!:
THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS, SO DONT DO THIS!! UNLESS YOU KNOW YOUR TOLERANCE REALLY WELL TO EACH DRUG
AND THEN ALLWAYS DOSE LOW, THE DRUGS SYNERGIES AND BOOST EACH OTHER, ALL WILL SURPICE YOU!
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if i dont mix with something. (and no its not tolerance
ive tried upping my dose 20%/50%/70% with out any diffenrence exept for side effects
(ie nausia, discomfort, sometimes throw up even after several days of sub, and even tho i puke im not high?
antihistamines work, but im still not high, maybe a little more sedated depending on the antihistamine)
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1). with benzo's more is less (unless trying to get high or knocked the feck out
(meaning dont take more then needed.)

2).

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Hi everyone i am new to this site but i need some help feeling very lonely dealing with this hole thing was woundering if anyone could point me in the right direction. Ill give you some of my story. So this has been the longest 8 months of my life. I never was prescribed benzos but i did take them for about a year. Only a couple months spans where i took them everyday but it was heavy use during the months i used everyday. I used other drugs during my life mostly pot. Did acid and ecstasy i bit much, but never really suffered from any side effect from that or the pot. But the Benzos Valiums is what i was taking later in my drug used seemed after a while of use made me more anxious and caused me to have a panic attack when i did used them. Didn't find out about that till one week i decided i was becoming to lazy and tired from these pill so i didn't take them. This was after about a half a year of using benzos maybe a four month span of everyday and heavy use when along with that too. About 2 days later i came home from my job rolled up a joint got half way through it when i realized holy hell i am really high and this is only some mids. Then i had the first panic attack of my life. It was the most scariest thing every i didn't no what to do. I just felt like i was dieing. I couldn't stop shaking and thinking about the most insane things. At first i thought maybe i was having an acid flash back but it was so evil, and i never had a bad trip from acid. After the attack was over i still wasn't totally sure about what it was i thought maybe i was doing to many drugs and my brain needed a rest. I gave it a brake with every. Still smoked pot but that was it. I seemed to be fine had about 2 week of on off crazy panic attacks but they went away. After that i was just anxious all the time ready to snap at anytime. After a month or so i ended up using the Valiums again and more often. Also got back into taking acid on the weekends but i had to take a Valium before i was starting to notice the reason for my anxiety now. One morning i woke i did not feel normal this continued on and on. Till weeks later i realized when i took a Valium i felt better. Well i always stayed away from a addictive drugs. Would touch opiates, coke, heroin. Nothing like that i liked my pot and the occasional acid trip. Now i realized i was a addicted to these pills. I stopped doing all drugs, drink and smoking pot. I didn't no to the extent as to how bad these pills were. I never tapered off I never read up on anything, and from that point on (January 2011)to now i have not been myself. From January till mid April it was like one big panic attack that i thought would never end. I could even get out of bed. I thought i was dead. I would wake from sleeping out of breath thinking i was still dreaming. The list of things goes on and on and on. Finally after April the panic attack became more under control, but my anxiety was through the roof. My mind was constantly going thinking of the most crazy stuff. The doctor put my on Zoloft an anti-depressant witch made things worse i started hallucinating, constant tunnel vision. I felt like i was stuck in the acid trip from hell, and every time i went to the doctor they just increased the Zoloft. I was up to 200mg. Finally i said that enough. I tapered off on the Zoloft still dealing with the crazy withdrawals from the Valium witch made life even more hell, because now i was i was very depressed. I thought about killing myself everyday. every second of the day, but still i waited. Just like when your having a bad trip on psychedelics you wait and it will pass. Well that even drove me nuts. So basically i learned to live with this terrible thing that was going on inside my brain. Now things are calming down i got my anxiety under control only as of a month or so ago. I started doing research on these pills and wow they are so bad. If i would have none i wouldn't of gotten myself into this. I am pretty sure i am suffering tremulously from what they call depersonalization. I live in this foggy dream state now, and i forget who i am and what i am doing all the time. I think things are coming back but very slow, and at the same time i am not that sure. One of my question is if i didn't taper off on the Valium will i ever feel the same again will those parts of my brain turn back on. I feel like this will never end i am going to be stuck like this and its so frustrating. I have been dealing with this for 8 months. If anyone can give me some advise please do.

....And I don't mean I just went to sleep, but the real deal; stopped breathing; turned purple and blue on several occasions. I vomited on myself and pissed myself. I screamed and moaned in pain as my muscle convulsed and tried to free themselves through my skin. I 'fish tailed' and flopped around as my lungs grasped for air that never made it in.

"Are you alright?" "mmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!" "Do you know where you are?" "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Can you talk?" No. My tongue was too busy retracting into my throat. "You're in the hospital..you'll be alright" Oh. Fuck. How the hell did that happen!?


My last recollection was doing a large line of MDMA and taking *A* cap of G and dancing with my friends. Albeit, I had been drinking all day; I do not think that the drug combination I had made would land me 1. unconscious and 2. in the hospital.


Apparently, there was a bottle of GHB on the dinning table - in liquid form - in a "Smart Water" bottle. There was nothing smart about this water. As it was G in it's purest raw form - and me - being drunk and buzzed thought it was actual water and took a HUGE GULP of it!

Immediately afterward I retired to the couch - passed out - cold. My breathing got so slow to the point of it stopping. I started to turn different colors as my friends would try to 'bring me back to life.' The executive decision to take me to the hospital was made. My muscle were of their own mind. Each would twitch out of accord; muscles you never even knew you had made their daunting presence known.

En route to the hospital I began vomiting and pissed myself. I had control over nothing - not one thing in my body was mine.

I used to think I was invincible; that I could ingest ANY drug combination and be a soldier; a survivor. 20 hits of acid? Bring it! 8 XTC pills? That's kids stuff; I need at least 12 triple stacks to get me started! A ball of coc? Ha. Lets get a ball of meth instead!

But, now, after this incident, I feel like the fragile little 29 year old girl I am. I am totally humbled by this experience and highly suggest that however many drugs you or someone you know takes; you must limit yourself no matter how 'invincible' you may think you are or how high your drug tolerance is.

Over doing it will under do you.

WOW. I noticed this before I signed up for BL but now that I'm active on here I keep seeing this more and more...

For a site that has a lot to do with drugs, people are SO judgmental. It blows my mind how rude some people are... WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME WHEN YOU'RE DOING THE SAME SHIT???? I just don't get it. To call me a bad parent because I took a picture of myself and my daughter walked into the background?? I was NOT naked, I had a tank top on and panties. She's 18 months old you idiot. It's just really annoying because people are so ignorant and they have no idea who I am or what I do on a daily basis.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am an AMAZING mother. I put my daughters way before myself or anyone else, I go without so that they can have everything they need (and want), I spend all day every day with them and do anything I possibly can to help make their lives better.

Keep your dumbass, ignorant opinions to yourself next time. kthnx

So I am flying to CA in two days. My family paid my nephew's education money to send me to this program. It's costing 24K.........they put 14K to get me there ASAP. They said its hard to know that I am losing myself and my life when I have so potential. They said it hurts so much to see me losing weight and look like I am dying. They said they won't witness my death. They said if I agree to go, I can do whatever I want after that as long as I am okay. I am going there for prescription drug addiction, relationship addiction and an eating disorder which I kept a good secret for over 2 years now. Now that I am going through this break up, I weigh 75 pounds. I would do anything to hear Jeff's voice and let me know that I will be okay. I miss him so much, why am I going through so much pain by myself? Baby I am sorry....I couldn't help you or be good to you. I can't help me or be good to myself........I don't want to go away for 10 weeks. I am scared......

A half-naked Cicero, Indiana male was imprisoned Sunday after state troopers spotted him walking down a busy Highway holding a 35-inch samurai sword. After a brief scuffle, the man gave up. He later confessed to officers that he was "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.". Source of article: Man brandishing samurai sword tells police he is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Vehicle was abandoned on the highway


Ricky Rayner, an Indiana State Trooper, reported seeing an abandoned white Toyota in the center lane of busy Interstate Highway 65 at about 2:30 p.m. Sunday afternoon. Then he saw a 43 year old male named Bryon Womack running down the highway with a 3-foot Japanese-style sword and was wearing nothing but slip-on shoes and plaid shorts.

Press release explained the man


“The man was marching like a drum major, holding the sword, moving it up and down in rhythm with his marching cadence,” a state police press release said Monday.

Trying to get away


Backup was called in for Rayner. The sword was being swung all over the place. This was while the State Trooper was attempting to approach Womack. The officer then ordered him to drop the blade, and Womack quickly complied. In order to allow a Merrillville patrol vehicle go past, a 2010 Chevrolet Sports Utility Car pulled to the side of the road right afterwards. Womack apparently then tried to force his way to the stopped vehicle in a presumed try to flee.

Womack ordered to the ground


Womack was ordered to the ground after Rayner and officers drew their weapons. After that, there was no more resistance from Womack. He was cuffed and transported to the Lake County jail after that.

'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs'


At first, when at the jail, Womack wouldn’t give his identity to the jail. He said he was just “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” when the officers spoke to him.

Womack was charged with resisting arrest, attempted carjacking and possession of cannabis.

Information from


Chicago Sun-Times: http://www.suntimes.com/7474259-417/indiana-police-nab-shirtless-samurai-marching-down-i-65.html

KTNV: http://www.ktnv.com/news/national/129270553.html

Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/06/shirtless-cicero-samurai-_n_950572.html?ir=Weird News

I wanted to get some stuff off my chest. So I had some legal problems this year, getting raided, got out on O.R., than got busted for 2nd Degree Burglary and than had to go to a drug treatment facility. I went to a facility but was feeling very depressed because I missed my girl so much. I missed her so much that I left my program to go see her, even though she was in her own drug treatment facility. I got to hang out with her for a bit and my depression cleared up instantly. We came to the conclusion that no matter what, we will always be together. I will be strong and make sure we never harm ourselves by using these hardcore drugs (heroin). Even though I did relapse since I have been out. I am going to go to another program on Monday. Maybe even sooner, I might try Friday. I plan to go to the Salvation Army since they take anyone (might type of place, woohoo) It just amazes me how much this little woman of mine affects me emotionally. She is my everything. I wouldn't know what to live for if I didn't have my little wifey. We will be celebrating 10 years in November, probably won't be able to be together for it because we need to go to our rehabs, but it's for the best. I am so ready to start my life now that I have reached the ripe young age of 31. I can't even remember my 20s because I always so fucked up. I'm feeling good though because I know I will always have my love. There is some more back story to why I was depressed, but I will have to mention it some other time. I am just so fucking lucky to have such a wonderful, beautiful person in my life that loves me so much.

Okay, so where I left off- me and my two best friends had become pot heads, smoked everyday together and we were really into vaporizers, pieces, etc. It was probably one of the happiest times of my life. I felt like I finally found myself, that this was what i wanted to be. Being friends with these two older guys made me feel "special." Looking back, all I ever cared about was my image. Being the "cool guy" and it was really all a front. That year was awesome, we all played lacrosse - after every lax practice i would host small poker games as well. I met some connects through hosting poker games, and found out one of our friends sold oxy 80s. We all decide one day to try them, I think we each got one. We each blow 15 mg and feel amazing, it was awesome. Things were fine, we liked it a lot but just bought one on friday nights and that would be it. Occasionally during that period I would dabble with cocaine as well. Unfortunately, I cant stop once I start using coke. I would do it on weeknights into the early am, and end up at school at 9 am coked out of my mind, paranoid, twitchy. One of the most memorable experiences of that matter was in my 10th grade English class. We were studying Dantes Inferno and our teacher was just talking about different themes in it. It was the last class of the day, I had been up all night blowing coke and was blowing it throughout the school day. I was anxious to get out, I knew I looked geeked. So she is talking about sins in Dantes Inferno - She lists a few and then looks me in the eye and says stimulants. I freaked inside but just nodded. Hahaha. Never ended up getting in trouble for that. I was starting to live two different lives - except my "drug life" was starting to interfere. It became noticable that I was high at school, and my reputation was interesting to say the least.

I started talking to this girl in my grade, Valerie. We hung out once and she blew me, then I dodged her for a few days for fear of commitment. she was pissed. Eventually we hang out a few more times and both start crushing on eachother. She said before she started talking to me that she was scared of me... wtf? We were awesome together, the whole "in love" phase. One day she was over and I asked her if she wanted to try oxycontin, she said sure! That night we were high as hell...And that is the first time I told her I loved her. That relationship was doomed from the start. We start dabbling with it together, and of course when we were both on it we "loved" eachother more.

I love getting high. It makes everything so much better and so much more simple. If it were possible to stay high all day without getting super tired and crashing out eventually, I totally would.

I had this song stuck in my head all day, randomly. I completely forgot what the song was, but the lyrics were about doing what you want to do and not letting other people interfere or whatever. I've thought about it for the last 20 minutes or so, and it makes complete sense.

I mean, why do something you aren't comfortable with? There are times to push yourself out of your comfort zone, and times to stay within the lines.

And I think this is one of those times where I'd rather stay inside... at least for now.

Yoga is going to be funnn tonight

I have been to rehab twice, was just wondering if anyone has had as crazy of an experience as me. First rehab was a 90 day program inpatient very restricted, relapsed 2nd day out of there. Got even worse into drugs the following months, then went off to college. One thing leads to another, and I end up in Delray Beach, FL due to a month long crack/roxy binge. Went to detox for a week, got detoxed with roxys actually which was pretty sick. Got transported to the rehab center two days before thanksgiving. Going down I was under the impression that this was going to be a real nice rehab(Its florida...), full gym, full pool, etc. I arrive, and the housing units are real nice. There was about 8 buildings containing 4-6 4 person apartments, 5 of the 8 being male and the other 3 female. That night I go shopping for groceries. There was no gym, no full size pool, and this rehab ended up being the worst 6 months of my life. Three hour and a half-2 hour groups a day, extremely confrontational, yelling/screaming at patients, basically there was no way to not be under fire by the therapists. There was no phone calls allowed, and the housing units were sort've like a boot camp(Constant room checks, apartments had to be SPOTLESS every morning and every night or you would get loked out of your apartment till midnight, etc)

The first month I played along, trying to be compliant so I could get the fuck out of there. The rehab's "mission" or "goal" is very complicated, in a nutshell it is that addicts primarily continue using because there parents or whoever enable them. So essentially what they try to do is to have your parents or enabler cut you off, and you start a new life in Delray Beach, Florida most likely working at a telemarketing center or fast food while living in a halfway house. About half of the parents cut their kids(I use that word losely, some of the patients were 27-30 and still living of their parents) Boy, did that not appeal to me. I grew up middle class up until around age 11 when my father made a big business deal, and suddenly we go from a shitty minivan and a decent landrover to getting a nice benz. Next thing I know, we cleared land to build my father's "dream house" Now this dream house has a huge pool, indoor movie theater, and a basketball court. Basically to get to the point I was spoiled as hell(I drive a 2010 Roush 427R...50 grand car). So I was totally against this, wanted nothing to do with being cut off or starting over. My best friend(who had gone to the former rehab, and this rehab at the same time as me) had his car in 2 months down there and basically was an extremely abnormal case, most people never get their car, infact most people end up being forced to sell their car. While I was riding the bus, looking for a job for 4 months.

About a month into it, this red head girl starts flirting with me hard core. Me and my best friends there all had a girl we were hooking up with, so we would have a lookout watch while one went in to this one apartment. Anyways, I ended up fucking her twice. And I got caught because no one keeps their mouth shut. Got in a decent amount of trouble, but I survived. My ex girlfriend who lived in maryland was on vacation in Florida, so I had her meet me at an AA meeting and just hooked up with her. About two months in this lesbian with short blond hair(she was a hot lesbian) came. One day I end up starting up conversation with her in the common area, and we start talking a lot. At the same time, this guy was crushing on her and she was bent between the two of us. I really liked this girl, the therapists found out in about 2 days because we would sit there for 8 hours straight talking. Anyways, I ended up winning her over. However, it didnt end well. She had an eating disorder and kept begging me to buy her laxatives while I was out looking for a job. And I did. And like a dumbass, I left the receipt out. When they checked my room one day, they found the receipt and interrogated me. Busted once again, I figured I was going to be kicked out but was not.

I feel so much more comfortable blogging on bluelight. I would never do something like this on facebook. I am trying to trade off my facebook addiction with bluelight, and it is working. So here goes.

I have been staying with a friend in Dallas, TX. He is a fan of my art, and we go way back. He is kind of in a weird place right now in his life. Basically, his babies mama burned him pretty bad, and I guess he still has not let go. Here is his schedule. Vodka, Benedryl, Crash, Work. That is IT. Moving out here, I just gave him a painting and he is cool with me staying until I get on my feet.

Well, I am without a vehicle right now. I won't go into detail but last month, the shit hit the fan. I had just got through doing a 6 months stretch. I was out in the world and I came up. Had a nice job, a truck I was half finished paying for, a decent place to crash at dads [evilstepmotherissues] and my legal shit was about to be won. Well one day, I took some bars at work. My best friend, Adam, says benzos are my krptonite. Hes right. I had a total of 6mg. I started with 1mg, as always, telling myself I will take that amount and chill. Well once it kicks in, the whole 6mg down the hatch. Really acting a fool at work. I was a clerk so I ran the whole station, and here I am giving people the wrong change and free cigarettes and shit. Anyway yeah, my homegirl becky calls, saying she has some speed.

I get off work, go to her house, get wired. I was drawing my normal Anime Skitze Girls when I get the first phone call. It was my grandmother. "where are you? You are suppose to be in court right now!" then I get another call from my boss saying "you are fired" then another call from my dad saying "you gotta move out" so I drove the truck to my grandparents and it was gone the next day.

So yeah, I am still recovering from all that. I was really giving sobriety a shot, despite a few relapses. I found a good, cozy place. I was high on the success I was having. Well thats gone now. I have been slipping. Dabbling back into methamps. Luckily I dropped the benzos for good, so I am OK. Well the failure to appear thing put me in a spot where I had to plea guilty even though I was not, to avoid doing anymore time.

Its horrible. I have only been on probation 2 months and already taken 9 UAs. Its cool though, here I am. In the city. I thought it would be exciting to live in the city, but I am bored as fuck. My room mate is the most anti social mother fucker ever. I was like "dude, I dont know anyone out here" he was like "to hell you dont, you have already had two girls over and you havent lived here a month. I have had zero"
So I guess that makes me feel...Not better? Fuck. Other than that, I have a cozy badass lil den out here. Got a desk with a pullout keyboard thing. Well the deskspace are occupied by the turntables. Well the monitor is on the next level. So basically, my turntables and my computer are one big thing. Easy to record mixes. I have been getting a lot of turntable time in, but it comes with a cost. My neighbor is about to call me in. Shes such a bitch, the other day she complained of her walls shaking even though my bass wasnt even 1/8th the way up. Fuck that.

I am also an artist. I have been doing a lot more art lately because of my down time. Might as well make something of it. I am not into xbox and shit, I like for my time to give me something back. I have my art. My grandparents bought me a lot of painting supplies too. Painting is something new to me. When I was in Los Angeles I met a very influential artist to the underground san fransisco house scene, Owen Maigret. He truly inspired me and took me under his wing. Unfortunately I had to block him because he was harassing me about a $350 I owed him for getting my car out of tow even though I told him to leave it. He needed it more than I did. Seeing as that he walked around LA with 5 grand cash, 2 gatorade bottles of G, ounces of molly, and a pack with RX shit..I felt like it was wrong of him to be on my ass so hard about that lil 350. I havent seen the last of owen.

but yeah my grandparents bought me some painting supplies. Its funny too because they never give me money. They had much rather spend money than give it to me to cop drugs, dont blame them. But yeah I chilled today and got a badass painting done. It has a lot of blue shades, a red shade, then a lot of aztec heiroglyphic style lines.

Oh yeah, LEA!! TOTAL FACEBOOK CRUSH! She stalks my every post, picture, and more. Always leaves sexy lil comments about punk rock. I have a thing for punk chicks. Anyway, she has a "fiance" but I noticed he is a couple years younger. I dunno, I know she digs me a great deal because of her activity, but I am not too serious about it. Yeah, shes perfect, but then again, its fucking facebook. We shall see. Patience is key.

Well, my back hurts. I guess I am going to stalk some more bluelight threads, maybe shoot a couple down. STOP TALKING ABOUT PLUGGING STUFF AND GO PLUG A GREENLIGHTERS CALK!

All thanks to MXE.

After my 3 month, 50g binge with Methylone, my brain chemistry is finally back to normal.

I can feel a distinct difference from where I was a month ago to now. I am no longer depressed and no longer think about suicide. I am loving life and everything it has to offer. My anxiety is slowly going away and I can finally be myself again.

MXE is the best discovery I have ever made. I am just so content with my life right now.

It's amazing :D

Here's to finally getting on with my life and enjoying the wondrous mysteries that go along with it.

A big thanks to the people that have helped me through this rough time in my life. It is greatly appreciated and I will not forget it.

Thank you

Just got back to my apartment the other day. The highlight of my day was riding the bike to the store to get a 2 liter of coke. I threw down 5 bucks on some whiskey and that gave me 11 shots. Not bad. So Im sipping on that, gonna try and crash out early for tomorrow. Saw a couple of really good looking girls walking. Said "how ya doin?" but they were too shy to reply.

I have an old friend named Brittney that lives close by. Its 8 miles away. We have been trying to chill for weeks and haven't been able to because neither of us have cars. My room mate was going to take me today, but I slept in. By the time I woke up, he was drunk as fuck. It is difficult to find a time space where he isnt drunk or working. Its not his fault though, I am the one without wheels. Brittney is really cute, and I think she has a crush on me. I would never even consider, because she is my best friends ex girlfriend. I am too loyal to my friends to do something like that, nor am I desperate enough. Shes just a cool chick and we are gonna chill and go swimming and get high. She is one of those girls that hoards drugs. Always has a stockpile of various drugs she collects on the way. She wants me to paint her something for her new apartment. I agreed as long as she buys the canvas, so she wants to go to hobby lobby. Should be a fun day tomorrow as long as I wake up.

alcohol + benedryl baby.

Ps. I am totally crushing on somebody right now who is very very smart.

As usual, for the last year or more, even tho I am on Prozac... I just think it's my circumstances. Having to live with my parents under strict rules like I am 15, it really is taking a toll on me. Every day is the same. Tiptoe on eggshells around my parents if I don't do exactly what they want to please them. Yes I know I am an adult and should not be in this situation at all but it is what it is and I am very lonely.

1. To just... go with the flow of life.

2. And to chill out.

3. And also to stop and think about things before you say them and do them!

4. Also, change doesn't happen overnight.

5. Sometimes it's best to take things slow, and do it step by step.

6. No matter how much life might be throwing at you, at any time, there are still at least 2 times more positives in life than negative.

7. And those are usually the best times to stop dwelling on the negative, and start cultivating your positives.

8. People come and go; burning bridges is useless.

9. Trusting your gut is NOT the same thing as going with your gut instinct.

10. Impulsivity = disaster.

11. When you think about it, there really is no problem too great; hardly anything is absolutely impossible these days.

12. You should always put yourself before others; don't sacrifice your own happiness for someone else.

13. It takes ONE little positive thing to happen, and suddenly the bad things actually don't seem... that bad.

14. It doesn't take much to create positive change in your own life.

15. If you don't like the way something is, no matter how big or how small... change it. It's that simple.

16. There is a lot about life and metaphysics that we don't understand, but there is more to it than you or I probably even realize.

17. The chaos theory is indeed true.

18. You know what else is awesome? You don't even need to make some huge positive change just to make a positive difference in your life; sometimes the little things can be just as big.

19. Smoke a bowl or two. Indulging in an activity you enjoy. Hang out with your friends. For the ladies, experiment with new make-up and hair ideas... or get all dolled up and go out for a girls' night. Spoil yourself with something, even if it's small. Try something new. Drive - maybe take a road trip. And then keep driving until you end up somewhere you've never been. Learn something new. Create something. Meditate. Do something good for your body. See? The little things count just as much.

20. Never allow yourself to stop growing. Change is one of the most beautifully mysterious things about nature.

21. You have two choices: adapt, or change.

22. You can't change your feelings, but you can change the way you react to them.

23. Sometimes, chocolate really IS the answer to everything.

Weed... it's a helluva plant

im trying to get some good team players to help me get back on track...im looking for someone who can help me out with going to my spiritual destination ......... can u please provide me with contact info ....to getting ahold of the smurfs. im willing to obtain large quantities

I thought I would post some pictures. Its not often that I am willing to share pics, being paranoid and all lmao So lavish in all our hawtness lmfao

Here are some of the gf, myself, and kiddos.


http://i54.tinypic.com/30hu

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http://i54.tinypic.com/25rfuvc.jpg

http://i51.tinypic.com/swpxjb.jpg

http://i52.tinypic.com/2qbuhwp.jpg

http://i55.tinypic.com/2nukidg.jpg

http://i51.tinypic.com/2laxan9.jpg <-------- ME

Hi,

Yeah my sleep is bad, very bad, all that because I stupidly and morbidly decided to stop my medications other than benzos (not even prescribed...). So I stopped Abilify and escitalopram before going to holidays, and all went wrong.

But it's been two weeks now that I took them back, so I hope my sleep settles like before. I always tried not to take too much benzos, I know how a vicious circle augmenting the doses can be, so my benzos intake is still quite low, at least...

Thanks for reading, I really hope that when the medications start working again my sleep will be like before I stupidly stopped taking them. Worst move of my hellish low life...

I'm pretty frustrated right now. Whoever said "More money more problems" is a fucking idiot. 95% of my problems would be solved with just a little more money. I've been looking for a job for the longest (and so has my fiance). Unfortunately because of my rap sheet, which is a novel, no one wants to hire me. I'll go to interviews, they'll tell me that I'm hired as long as the background check checks out, and then I'll either get a phone call or something in the mail saying that I'm not a good fit for what they're looking for. This is exhausting. I don't even get excited for interviews anymore because I know that 99.99999% of places will do a background check. Some of the dumbest places do background checks. I can understand if you're handling money or around expensive shit or something, but a lot of places where I'd just be doing office work background check and it's ridiculous. What, I'm going to steal some paper?? Oh no, I might steal an ink cartridge!! < /sarcasm > I've tried being honest about my background, but when I do that I don't even get a chance to interview.

Financial stress sucks. I'm used to being so independent but because money has run out and I haven't been able to find employment, I feel like I'm a disappointment. To myself, my family, my kids... There are so many things I need money for.

*Court fines/fees/restitution ($1000+)
*To get my driver's license back ($2,200)
*Diapers, 2 packs per week ($12)
*Gas, at LEAST a full tank ($50+)
*Methadone ($45 per week)
*Clothing for my kids (???)
*Miscellaneous other things
*Cigarettes ($6/day) <--YES I know I can quit smoking, BUT with all this stress, I need something. I'd rather have a cigarette than shoot a bag because I'm trying to stay clean.

Plus I owe money to so many friends/family members it's ridiculous. I'm really frustrated...I'm praying that him or I (or better yet BOTH of us) get hired soon. All I need is a chance from someone. My fiance && I are very hard workers, and if/when we get hired, we would definitely take the job seriously because we're so desperate for employment.

Grr.

This is just my little rant. Thanks for listening. 8)