memorys

3:47 a.m.
The past never seems very far away simply a memory a way, a flickering of the eyes and bam im there. Its summer its hot the sweat is a stark contrast to the chills and butterflys in my legs and stomach starring at the phone trying to will this asshole to call me with those magic directions. It feels like eternaty those minutes roll by like lifetimes lifetimes of suffering. i curse my dealer curse myself curse the heat everything sucks until all of a sudden it rings and in a few minutes all is right in the universe.

I snap to feeling nostalgic damn I miss that life. Its fucked up its like I crave pain I love misery I wish I could understand why I am like this. In my heart of hearts I know im fucked I got it bad like this dude in rehab told me " you got a few relapses in you yet" I hate to know that but its true. The fact is that I love drugs they are a part of who I am without them I am lost.

 

everyone relapes im an alcoholic quit for 4 yrs sober and just blew it one night went right back for a few months and same results Keep strong ,dont be so hard on yourself , for me religion helped me alot i loved it all sex drugs booze its crazy and i still have problems stay away from the people places and triggers are the most important .I still relapse but its only like a small bottle of bacardi or a six pack .My prayers are with you ,tell ya the truth the US is in a depression finacial problems are the worst only health is worst! stay strong and dont beat yourself up relapse is part of the process fucked up but true

 

everyone relapes

I know quite a few people that have never relapsed. True its part of many a person's story but, it isn't some sort of requirement. I'm glad it isn't a requirement because its fucking dangerous. I know too many people who have either died from their relapse, suffered irreparable damage or simply couldn't get back to the type of life they were living prior to deciding to get high/drunk again.

For me, the last 'get high' forced me to apply more effort and take more positive risks regarding change. It was the final evidence i needed to know with absolute certainty that I simply can't use any form of drug in a responsible manner.

I hated that obvious fact for a few 24 hours but now, I enjoy the acceptance of that reality. it keeps me moving in a positive direction.

That being said.. yeah... 'relapse' is part of my own story

 

Reflections. Love it.