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As usual, for the last year or more, even tho I am on Prozac... I just think it's my circumstances. Having to live with my parents under strict rules like I am 15, it really is taking a toll on me. Every day is the same. Tiptoe on eggshells around my parents if I don't do exactly what they want to please them. Yes I know I am an adult and should not be in this situation at all but it is what it is and I am very lonely.

1. To just... go with the flow of life.

2. And to chill out.

3. And also to stop and think about things before you say them and do them!

4. Also, change doesn't happen overnight.

5. Sometimes it's best to take things slow, and do it step by step.

6. No matter how much life might be throwing at you, at any time, there are still at least 2 times more positives in life than negative.

7. And those are usually the best times to stop dwelling on the negative, and start cultivating your positives.

8. People come and go; burning bridges is useless.

9. Trusting your gut is NOT the same thing as going with your gut instinct.

10. Impulsivity = disaster.

11. When you think about it, there really is no problem too great; hardly anything is absolutely impossible these days.

12. You should always put yourself before others; don't sacrifice your own happiness for someone else.

13. It takes ONE little positive thing to happen, and suddenly the bad things actually don't seem... that bad.

14. It doesn't take much to create positive change in your own life.

15. If you don't like the way something is, no matter how big or how small... change it. It's that simple.

16. There is a lot about life and metaphysics that we don't understand, but there is more to it than you or I probably even realize.

17. The chaos theory is indeed true.

18. You know what else is awesome? You don't even need to make some huge positive change just to make a positive difference in your life; sometimes the little things can be just as big.

19. Smoke a bowl or two. Indulging in an activity you enjoy. Hang out with your friends. For the ladies, experiment with new make-up and hair ideas... or get all dolled up and go out for a girls' night. Spoil yourself with something, even if it's small. Try something new. Drive - maybe take a road trip. And then keep driving until you end up somewhere you've never been. Learn something new. Create something. Meditate. Do something good for your body. See? The little things count just as much.

20. Never allow yourself to stop growing. Change is one of the most beautifully mysterious things about nature.

21. You have two choices: adapt, or change.

22. You can't change your feelings, but you can change the way you react to them.

23. Sometimes, chocolate really IS the answer to everything.

Weed... it's a helluva plant

im trying to get some good team players to help me get back on track...im looking for someone who can help me out with going to my spiritual destination ......... can u please provide me with contact info ....to getting ahold of the smurfs. im willing to obtain large quantities

I thought I would post some pictures. Its not often that I am willing to share pics, being paranoid and all lmao So lavish in all our hawtness lmfao

Here are some of the gf, myself, and kiddos.


http://i54.tinypic.com/30hu

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http://i54.tinypic.com/25rfuvc.jpg

http://i51.tinypic.com/swpxjb.jpg

http://i52.tinypic.com/2qbuhwp.jpg

http://i55.tinypic.com/2nukidg.jpg

http://i51.tinypic.com/2laxan9.jpg <-------- ME

Hi,

Yeah my sleep is bad, very bad, all that because I stupidly and morbidly decided to stop my medications other than benzos (not even prescribed...). So I stopped Abilify and escitalopram before going to holidays, and all went wrong.

But it's been two weeks now that I took them back, so I hope my sleep settles like before. I always tried not to take too much benzos, I know how a vicious circle augmenting the doses can be, so my benzos intake is still quite low, at least...

Thanks for reading, I really hope that when the medications start working again my sleep will be like before I stupidly stopped taking them. Worst move of my hellish low life...

I'm pretty frustrated right now. Whoever said "More money more problems" is a fucking idiot. 95% of my problems would be solved with just a little more money. I've been looking for a job for the longest (and so has my fiance). Unfortunately because of my rap sheet, which is a novel, no one wants to hire me. I'll go to interviews, they'll tell me that I'm hired as long as the background check checks out, and then I'll either get a phone call or something in the mail saying that I'm not a good fit for what they're looking for. This is exhausting. I don't even get excited for interviews anymore because I know that 99.99999% of places will do a background check. Some of the dumbest places do background checks. I can understand if you're handling money or around expensive shit or something, but a lot of places where I'd just be doing office work background check and it's ridiculous. What, I'm going to steal some paper?? Oh no, I might steal an ink cartridge!! < /sarcasm > I've tried being honest about my background, but when I do that I don't even get a chance to interview.

Financial stress sucks. I'm used to being so independent but because money has run out and I haven't been able to find employment, I feel like I'm a disappointment. To myself, my family, my kids... There are so many things I need money for.

*Court fines/fees/restitution ($1000+)
*To get my driver's license back ($2,200)
*Diapers, 2 packs per week ($12)
*Gas, at LEAST a full tank ($50+)
*Methadone ($45 per week)
*Clothing for my kids (???)
*Miscellaneous other things
*Cigarettes ($6/day) <--YES I know I can quit smoking, BUT with all this stress, I need something. I'd rather have a cigarette than shoot a bag because I'm trying to stay clean.

Plus I owe money to so many friends/family members it's ridiculous. I'm really frustrated...I'm praying that him or I (or better yet BOTH of us) get hired soon. All I need is a chance from someone. My fiance && I are very hard workers, and if/when we get hired, we would definitely take the job seriously because we're so desperate for employment.

Grr.

This is just my little rant. Thanks for listening. 8)

it takes a lot for me to move around right now, let alone get up and confront a situation. so i went today, and now i realize why the one i went to is so nice: they don't pay you. They give you internet points for their store, but I can't exactly buy stock options or pills with internet points. So I go online today, and like a dumbass now I find a place that pays. And it pays pretty well imo.

But I can't do this again for a minute. I got fucking sick. First of all, I am already in bad, skinny shape from withdrawals. Second, they took an assload of my blood away. I was sick for like a half hour; I thought I was going to die right there. I am not looking forward to doing this at a new place next week. At least the place I was at took care of me and made me better with juices and snacks. This new place is in one of the ghetto parts of the city, right by the last free detox center I went to is. Not a good neighborhood; probably thrd world medical facilities.

http://www.pharmer.org/files/images/HydromorphoneContin12mg.thumbnail.jpg

12 mg hydromorphone contin

The beads are as hard as diamonds , as tiny as a grain of salt and as far as i can tell impossible to break down yet others IV them so I know it can be done So please let me know how can the beads be broken down to a powder or separated from the wax (or whatever it is) that makes them so hard, or if there is another method for plugging swim is very intrested , swim has tried a pill crusher the beads were to small for it and did nothing , tried to put in paper and crush with a screwdriver handle ...still the tiny beads were there , the only results {which Im not convinced aren't just wishful thinking} that it seemed some of the beads looked bigger as if maybe flattened but still there was no powder......so how can I get them to break down

:44 PM

Anyhow, feeling like I am doing the right thing is powerful. I have been almost 3 and half weeks sober. I measure sobriety from days of contact. Once I am better then I will make contact but the process is long. Taking it a day at a time is good though. Seeking therapy and help is an aid. Today, I attend the new group in my area. It’s a women based-group. I attained a temporary sponsor. Oh, I have not been chemically dependent on any drugs and I quit smoking cigarettes too. Which is like? WOW I am doing better already.

Yes, I feel guilty sharing this on Bluelight when I know that the person is a Bluelighter too. Parts of me wishes that they are reading this, it’s the part of my addiction seeking validation. But then again, the bluelight thing can be a future bottom line in my 12-step program. Doing something is better than doing nothing. If I am going to accept defeat, I might as well try to recover, I can always be a loser again but I might as well try.

It’s hard thinking that’s the person you are leaving behind can be good for you too. But again, its best to be good yourself and allowing them to be good themselves then you can get together again. Life is funny, caring and loving is parts of life. Protecting someone that you love from yourself is love within itself. If I am going to claim to care and love then I will practice. He is much safer to himself without me than with me. I know that, he knows that. And yes, if there is a 0.1% chance that he has encountered and is reading this. Thank you Jeff for continuing down this path….keep this up. I have to remain resilient when you are weak and vice versa. I am proud that you are going to meetings, going to school and pursuing your happiness. It’s hard for me to imagine you happy without me or vice versa but it’s okay. I guess

I believe I don't need closure......It just needs to be done. Walking away from you is difficult. Yes, I offer excuses to your behavior and so do you. Thats the part of our codependency that we need to work on. How we treated each other.............is not fuckin right. We both ended up in jail. What was it going to come down to? destroying our lives..............No, I won't allow this to continue.

Not sure if I want to be sad, happy or throw a party. It feels like the kids have been home forever and its sad to send them off to school again but it's nice to have 6.5hrs to myself each day now. A little weird for the first week probably. Gonna be like...."Hey where's Austin?" then recall...."oh shit, yeah" haha.

Well, better utilize my free time in..... SLEEP!

Oh and I have been losing weight again Down to 138Lbs from 141Lbs. I like the loss BUT I am worried it will continue down to 100Lbs again 8(

Well....we'll see.

Still med free too. I have to see my psyche before I get on anything. *shrugs*

My gf found an apartment. That's awesome for her :D Kinda gonna miss her being around but it's good that's she's happy that she found her own place.

Things have been good lately :D

Oh one sort of yucky note. My son Austin is in the same class as the douche bag who tried to attack us a couple weeks back and called us pedos because we're lesbians. I know I shouldn't support violence but if the kid says anything, I hope Austin pops her in the mouth.

Yeah. I'm a bitch that way, oh well.

I've been thinking about positivity a lot lately. So I got high, and I decided that I want to be a pacifist. I don't know what a pacifist does exactly, but it sounds peaceful.

So I think I'm going to try it :D

Well, weed is good for a lot of things, obviously. From tons of roflcopters, to creativity in all types of art (it even makes my acting better!), to just chillaxin and having a good time with friends, to benefitting your health... to making you forget about your problems for a while... or for helping to solve them altogether.

Yeah, let's go back to that last one. Cause it's definitely one of THOSE nights - a get really, really stoned and muse over my problems while reading the philosophy and SLR forums on BL kind of night.

I've recently become very uncomfortable with a situation. A guy situation, to be exact. Just kinda hit me other day out of no where - my women's intuition kicked into high gear and I felt that something was off. It's amazing how many of the little, subconscious signals the other person gives off without meaning to when that happens, ones that more or less confirm that yes, something IS going on, and that it's not something good.

AND BEFORE ANYONE GOES AND SAYS "women's intuition doesn't exist, it's just a myth, blah blah etc.", I just want to say one thing: I used to be doubtful too, but then I figured out that yes, it does exist. I can even give several examples of what I'm talking about for the doubters.

Getting back to the point - I'm not comfortable with the situation anymore (I wonder though - have I ever really been?) and my feelings are kind of at stake. Sure, I like to lie to myself and say that I don't care and blah blah blah... but when it comes down to it? Yeah, I kind of actually do care. Because it hurts when he does certain things. And if I didn't care, it wouldn't hurt... would it? The only thing I know for a fact in regards to this entire situation is that it hurts and I don't want it to anymore. From an outside perspective, everything seems fine... perfect, even. But trust me, it's all just a surface effect. Things are not fine, and it's as though we're both putting on some sort of front. Then there's my intuition, which is telling me that there's something else going on over on his end. I just don't know what it is. Either a new girlfriend, or... I don't even know... but I know there's definitely something... and that it's something I won't like.

Obviously I'm not going to ask him to change, let's be rational here. But I can't exactly just force myself to change the way I feel about the things he does and, most importantly, him. At least not overnight. Because this is the one fault of women's intuition - it gives you a feeling that something is wrong, but no clear answers. So now it begs a few questions: should I look for answers - be straight with him, since communication has always been our strongest point and the only reason we've even made it this far? Would doing so ease my fears or confirm them? And if it's the latter, am I ready to handle that? We've been through a lot and seem to have made it pretty far all things considered, but is it even worth it anymore? I mean... are we legitimately making progress, the way we say we are? I know I've tried, but is he really trying? Are we just lying to ourselves? At what point did everything get lost, and what was it that turned this situation into a way for us to simply bring our acting abilities off-screen and into real life? If I can figure out what it was, is it even salvageable anymore? Would he even give it a chance to BE salvaged? Do I even want to try? So again... is it even worth it anymore?

Questions that turn into more questions. It's true that I overanalyze things, but honestly... once that first red flag is waved, I get scared. I've been hurt far too many times, and 75% of those times could have been prevented if I had just stopped. Just for one second. And just listened to my intuition and to logic. Or paid enough attention to my surroundings and what was actually going on instead of what I wanted to be going on, then adapted or adjusted my attitude and expectations. But on the flip side, I also have a hard time letting my feelings go. Meeting a guy I'm actually interested in is hard for me to come by, rare indeed. So naturally when it comes around, I like to take advantage of it and give the guy a chance. I've given him so many chances already, but it's hard to just give up. I think the other problem is that I'm starting to get kind of lonely. I'm not saying I need a guy to be happy, not at all.. I love myself regardless and have had some of the best times of my life being single! But when literally everyone I chill with regularly has someone and it's being thrown in your face ALL the time, it's difficult to ignore. I can't help but think that I kind of want that someday soon, too.

I'm not even talking about a full-on serious relationship. I just want someone to BE there, someone I can take care of and who takes care of me, that I can do nice things for, share things with, someone I can count on, someone I can enjoy the feelings of liking someone who likes you back with, someone I can have fun with, and make out with and have lots of great sex with. Because I DO need sex... I love it way too much. And I am not getting what I consider my fair share of fulfilling sex. Because no, having sex with one of my guy friends whenever I'm desperate doesn't count as being "fulfilling". I like to try to not sleep with guys I'm not dating, but ometimes you just gotta take care of business... and since I do not have a penis, doing it myself just isn't enough at times! So hell, sometimes you just have to give in to your natural instincts haha

So. How do I solve this? Simple: they're called weed... and Bluelight. I need to get really, ridiculously high - fly to the moon high. Chill out a little bit while I read through the philosophy and SLR forums on here for ideas, guidance, or at the very least a place to start. Sit down and actually think about everything in detail, looking at things from an outside perspective. Sift through my feelings. And wait for the best and most logical solution to just come, as it usually does when I'm high. And I need to write everything down, so that when I'm not high I can remind myself of my decision and why I made it, and then stick with it no matter how much it might hurt. Even if I don't make much progress, at least I'll have something to work with. I can just figure out the rest the next time I have a pressing need to wax philosophical about my life.

Ugh. Just gotta wait for the 'rents to go to sleep before I can start smoking. Until then, it's chatting with friends, social networking, and scouring the OD Suboxone Film Megathread I started reading but never finished - whatever I need to do to get my mind off of things. Cause I'm not looking forward to doing this. Sure, it seems responsible and like not much of a big deal. But honestly, when it's you're feelings that are at stake, looking at things from a purely objective standpoint can bring with it quite a few painful realizations. Like I said, the truth hurts. But you do what you gotta do. And I'd rather hurt now, when I'm essentially hurting myself. It's better than letting it continue on this way.

I mean, little bit of pain - maybe a day or a week at the very worst - that I bring upon myself? As opposed to what could be months of anxiety, confusion, and indecision... only to risk having him be the one hurt me even worse in the long run? I think the first one seems more favorable. It's definitely worth it, if it will help me decide whether I feel as though he is, in fact, worth taking that risk or not. Guess it's time to do work. Wish me luck. I'll probably need it lol

I have a job, pays more than minimum wage, fuckkk thank goodness. I'm in debt now fml but will be able to get out of it in the next month woooo

That's all I have to say

so in reference to all my questions that get closed for some reason
... i suppose i shall start posting here.
ive taken 2 adderal 20 mgs XR without breaking the time release...
today i broke the time release on them and took two. will this be more dangerous? what difference should i expect in the high?
can some one message me? or comment on my blog?
thanks in advanced

[Chorus: repeat 2X]
Look at your face
When all I could see was myself looking back at me
Reflection
And all I could do was think about sleeping next to you

[Slug]
What would it take to make a women like you
You a wolf like me for what I really might be
Listening to the lyrics only heres what I allow
You gotta try and make me testify for here and right now
Lets have a confrontation over a cold one
I'll give you conversation just to see if you can hold em
I play so dumb
Because I know some of these star struck small talk art fucks is no fun
I'm the blood type that goes straight for the guns
Like before you even spoke already knew what your loves like
So what you thinking?
Because I'm thinking we should jump into your ocean
Let's go girl this ship is sinking

[Chorus: repeat 2X]
Look at your face
When all I could see was myself looking back at me
Reflection
And all I could do was think about sleeping next to you

[Slug]
Now there's no reason to lie, I've had a lot of lovers
In my reality its impossible to avoid it
But theres one reason for life gotta provide some supper
Gonna build a family just to watch some one destroy it
Do you really think you really wana get to know me better
Don't you see the drama
Don't you feel the pressure
Don't get me wrong it would be my pleasure
To sing a song that could remove your shoes and your sweater
Bartender let me get a shot of bean
Cause this girl over here is trying to get me out my jeans
And she doesn't seem to believe i'm just another thief
Came to take a piece and make you stutter when you breath

Now girl you to smart to be a tour mark

Set to play correct from the start with your pure heart
And when your all alone ill sing into your phone
If you don't know the words you can make up your own

The first time she met the devil was at first avenue
Went back stage with him into the dressing room
Sexy ego trip
Taller than expected
About six foot three
Seemed to thrive on his misery
Critical observant big words
Sweaty hair sunken eyes and thick nerves
She said ill make em smile for the simple fact that he needs it
I'll make him smile just so I can kill it an eat it

You look like you were built for me
You talk like you want to steal my drink
You kiss like you already came
And that's a lift to pull a line for those with out any game

It's like damn baby
You know you can't save me
But you should still tell your people that your leaving with the band
Maybe you can show me your hustle
Neither one of us would be so lonely
If only you would come over here and hold me
I caught you trying to hide your smile behind your glass
But all of your secrets become a swing set when you laugh
And all of your regrets that you're carrying a burying
Don't mean a damn thing if there's nobody to share them with

We've been following each other all night now
We ought to be all over each other like right now
I don't like crowds lets take flight now
Cause that face that you make
Reminds me of my life now

[Chorus: repeat 6X]
Look at your face
When all I could see was myself looking back at me
Reflection
And all I could do was think about sleeping next to you

"Only trying to find myself inside of you"

about fake oc's;
there was a couple of posts about fake 80's...
I believe there are also 60's, if not all mgs of
these painkillers!!
I believe that the coating on them do not "peel off"
easily like the REAL ones do, besides the lack of drainage and the warm feeling in the "tummy".

ANYONE have info on fake OC's ????
PLEASE LET ME KNOW.
... poppylove80.
thanks!!

First blog. I love keeping journals. I might start using this as a journal. I kept a BADASS journal for three years, documented almost daily. It was amazing to read back on that thing and look at all the dumb shit I wrote, wondering "what was I thinking?" Before you get too excited, my car got impounded with the journal in the glovebox. By the time I got out of jail, the journal was in the hands of some sweaty repo man.

Three ways to win your heart?
Looks, Music Taste, eye for art

Do you like lightning?
Yes, one day I hope to get struck.

Ever cut someone else's hair?
No.

Last person you said ‘i hate you’ to?
Someone I hated. Don't remember who it was but I hated them.

Rain or sun?
Rain!

Last stupid thing you said?
[ roadtrip ] as facebook status when I was only going to visit family. lol.

Biggest turn off?
Cockiness, preppyness, Rap Music (not hiphop)

Fave movie?
I watched a good one the other day about sex. It was called "Strictly Sex" and was about two construction workers from queens going to california and meeting two successful women who think they are jiggalos and let them move in and end up falling in love. its on hulu if you wanna watch it!

Would you date someone who smokes?
I smoke.

Would you date someone addicted to drugs?
Yes, as long as they didn't cheat on me and shared.

Biggest turn on, physically?
Everything, but lately is has been stomache, the part that sucks in before the hips.

Would you have sex w. someone you weren’t dating?
The passed 3 girls I have slept with have been that way. All but the last one became
good friends with me. The last one just hates me but that is because shes a whore.

Ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them?
Ehh, I have regretted breaking up because I am no longer getting laid, but I always
had a damn good reason and do not regret them being gone.

Ever dated someone more than once?
Nope.

If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?
Heather Graham

Relationship status?
Single.

Do you like cuddling?
Very much,

Do you hold grudges?
Nope. Funny cuz everyone else in my family are very resentful. I get over things really
fast. I am always the one to apologize. Guess because I am a man.

Regret dating anyone?
Yes.

Hugger or kisser? Style?
Soft sweet kisses

Missing someone?
I miss katie and her softness. She had a smell to her that I still can smell.

Most important lesson you’ve learned from your exes?
They make a bigger deal outta sex than they should. Esp when it was their idea.

Happier single or in a relationship?
Depends. Relationship if it is healthy.

How important are looks?
Extremely important.

Would you rather date someone SUPER-HOT or nice?
Super hot

Do you stay friends with people you’ve dated?
Not really, against my wishes. I am one you love or hate.

Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
I would definitely fight a guy for a girl. It is the only good reason to fight. I would win and have victory sex.

Kiss on the 1st date?
Yes, but not sex (after what happened with katie)

If someone cheated, would you take them back if you really loved them?
Fuck no. That is why I dumped the girl who I deeply loved.

A random guy comes up to you and says “who the hell are you”? What do you say back?
I would say "who the FUCK are you?"

Are you spoiled?
Yes

Three things you would not tolerate in a relationship?
Cheating, Jelousy, controlling

33. which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute?
OooOO danny!

34. did you miss anyone today?
Yes my best friend LAndon, who called me to hang out right when I got home.

35. last person to see you cry?
I don't cry. Really.

36. Who/what made you cry?
I think I cried a couple months ago, but it was because I got fired, missed a court date, lost my wheels, and got kicked out of the house at the same time. I didnt really cry but I cried on the inside

37. are you a forgiving person?
Depends. For the most part, too much so.

38. would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?
No.

39. i’ve come to realize the last person who gave me a hug…
Was my best friend

40. are most of your friends guys or girls?
Guys but I have gotten to have a lot of girlfriends lately. Mostly cuz I only add girls on
facebook.

41. how long does it take you to get ready to go out ?
I have to spike my hair up if it is the club. Other wise I just brush my teeth, MAYBE shave and take a shower and Im ready to go. I am kind of a punk rocker tho, not the nasty kind
but the edgy kind.

42. how many people do you know of named Adam ?
One of my best friends. He is a body builder and kind of stuck up but deep down he
secretly looks up to me.

44. what was the last thing you burnt ?
A cigarette. Today my room mate passed out and left some pizza in the oven. That was
def burning, thank god I found it. This is the second time this has happened in 1 month. Vodka+benadryl tsk tsk

45. what is your full name?
Matthew Lee ********

46. do you worry about the size of boobs?
Not so much. I like small ones, I like big ones, it really depends on the girl.

47. are you addicted to gossip?
Nah, I am from a small town so I am normally the subject of gossip.

48. what are your favorite magazines?
Maxim and American Curve (yall know what Im talkin about if you ever done netime!)

49. did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy/girl?
Not all day but I dont have to.

50. did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Yes..Not cry but tears conjure

51. what’s the biggest turn on about guys/girls?
When they dress sexy/borderline slutty. Small dress, or long dress with high slit. Fighnets.

52. what color do you absolutely despise?
Pink

53. have you set your hair on fire?
All the time

54. have you ever ran into a door because you didn’t see it?
Yes, one time was at a friends house in front of a bunch of ppl. It was a glass door so gimme a break!

55. have you lost a friend recently?
Yeah.

56. is it easier to forgive, or to forget?
Forgive.

57. do you give out second chances too easily?
YES

58. is it awkward when you run into your exes?
No, other than the fact I instantly want to bang them.

59. have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yeah a few times. Normally its just my shirt.

60. is your life simple or complicated?
Complicated as hell due to legal stuff.

61. are you taller than 5′4″?
Yes.

63. is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
Always. Strawberry Blonde

64. does everything really happen for a reason?
For a fact

65. tell me something people may not know about you.
I am an artist. I recently picked up painting although my strong area is with drawing and painting the drawing in photoshop [ see my octopus I did for a girlfriend? ]

Loneliness. Yep, I think this title describes it perfectly.

I said earlier in my first blog I probably wasn't going to write anything until probably tomorrow or a later date, but I need to get this subject off of my mind, like, now. I can't even count how many times I've written about it though... either on Word, or on a blog on Facebook, or whatever... it never helps. But what the hell, maybe this time something will actually click and make sense.

Almost 4 years ago now, I met the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. And then through unfortunate circumstances, I lost him. I'm going to try not to say his name in this post, mostly because I already see it enough in every day life... he has a ridiculously common last name, and it's even a popular brand name of a certain sport (not Burton, in case you were wondering lol), and since I met him in the military and that's what I knew him by for most of the time I knew him, hearing/seeing his last name (hell, even his first name) still kind of makes me flinch. So I'm going to hold off on that on here at least so I don't overdose on missing him-ness whenever I read this. But moving on.

I'm not going to give the whole backstory, because it doesn't matter. The only thing that really matters regarding the subject at hand is how I felt. We clicked instantly the second I met him - no awkwardness or not knowing what to say - we just immediately started talking and joking around like we'd know each other our whole lives. And the first time we actually hung out, we were already all cuddled up within an hour. Whenever he would touch my arm or my back or whatever it seriously felt like electricity. I know it sounds cheesy but I'm not sure how else to describe it. That feeling never went away, actually. However, we took things ridiculously slow. We didn't even kiss until a week into when we were dating. After that, yeah, I'd sleep in his room every night and we'd make out or whatever, but it never went any further than that. We NEVER had sex... we both wanted to wait for some reason, strange because neither of us had never felt the need to wait with anyone before... but it's kind of a shame, because I'm sure it would have been ridiculously amazing. But maybe it's a good thing we didn't, idk. It probably would have made everything a hundred times harder in the end.

I feel weird using the word "soulmate" because it's a little TOO intense, but "best friend" and other words are also way too weak to describe it. So I don't even know. We just had this crazy connection. It was like he was the male version of me, I swear. We had the same interests in, like... EVERYTHING... we were even from the same hometwon. He knew everything about me, and vice versa. He told me once after he had come home on leave, that he was thinking about it while he was surfing and had come to the conclusion that, "we share the same brain." Which was kind of true. We even talked about getting married and moving in together and all this other shit... people used to say we fought like a married couple, but that we were also "perfect" together... and we did, we got into some crazy screaming fights, but at the end of the day we still cared. And we never went to bed angry at each other, we always made up an hour after, at least I can say that much.

There's really no way to put it into words. What I described above doesn't cover it; there's not really a word for the type of connection we had. All I know is that I loved and cared about him more than anyone in this world, that to me he was perfect... hell, I even found his little flaws and quirks perfect, there isn't one thing I would have ever changed about him. It was easily the most powerful feeling I have ever felt and like I said there's no words to describe it, but it hasn't faded even a little bit after four years.

I don't know, man. I miss him so much it hurts. I mean, it literally hurts, some days the emotional pain is so intense that it actually makes me flinch. There's like a constant aching somewhere... like a part of me is missing... it hasn't gone away either, I've just gotten used to it. I actually look forward to dreaming about him because it's the only time where I feel like he's still THERE, even though I wake up anxious. How freaking sad is that? Of course, I can go out and have a good time and what not, but it's always there somewhere, even if it's not there all the way, just a dull ache. And then there's days like today, where I feel it full force, and it's so bad that I feel like dying or something. Even with all of the pain it causes, I don't want to forget him. Do I want to get over him? Yeah. I'm not a sadist, it's not like I ENJOY this pain. But if it means forgetting him completely, well that is never going to happen. So I guess mostly I've just learned to live around it.

I get really lonely sometimes though. Because I know I'm never going to find anyone that can possibly ever compare to him. He was that once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. Not even once in a lifetime... I know people who go their entire lives and don't even find love that intense. So I'm not going to kid myself into thinking it's going to come around again; I know it won't. But the thing is, I LIKE the feeling of falling in "love", even if it's just the puppy love I felt for people before I met him. I even like the feeling of being in "like" with someone who likes you back. And I still want that. The only problem is, I haven't found it since then, and I'm not sure if I can.

It used to be easy for me to fall in "like" or even in "love". But now it's nearly impossible. I got into one relationship after, where I thought I liked the guy at first, and then after a month or two I just kind of hit this wall. It seems like now, when I like someone, it doesn't work out because it's the wrong person. Or... no, that's a lie. I either hit a wall with them immediately and if they're lucky, just make them my new booty call for a while until I get bored (my fault). Or I DON'T immediately hit that wall, but something in the back of my mind causes me to self-sabotage the whole thing before it can even start. I don't even do it consciously, I just get really scared and do little things that push them away without even realizing it. So I don't know if I'm capable of falling in full "like" or in "love" with a person anymore, because I haven't had the chance to try.

The guy I like right now, it started off that way. I did a few things to push him away. In the middle of it all, I finally realized what I was doing and that I was the problem... not the guys being assholes. It was MY actions and MY insecurities that was causing these guys to act like assholes... or for me to perceive them as such. And so I told this guy that I realized what I was doing, and that I was going to work to change. And I am working on changing it. I'm trying to stop and think before I do or say things now. And when an insecurity rises up, I try to take a step back and put it into perspective, maybe give it a day or two, just to make sure it's not just in my head, before I act on it. It's not even just for him, it's mostly for my own sanity. So anyway, this new guy claims he's giving me a second chance, but I can feel it in my gut that it's already too far gone... the damage has definitely already been done... and to be honest, I'm not sure if he even wants to be friends anymore, which sucks.

This bothers me more than it would bother most people. Because even though I have any number of guys interested in me at a time, it's never "time to move on to the next one" for me. Because it's very, VERY rare that I meet someone who likes me, that I actually like back. So whenever this happens, I always feel like it's going to be the last time.

I always tell people I'm okay with being single and not having a guy in my life, and they believe me. Which is exactly what I want. Sometimes I can even fool myself into thinking I'm okay with it. But when it comes down to it, I'm not. Everyone around me has someone, except for me. It's not even that I want to jump into a relationship, that's not what I'm looking for. I just want someone... around. Someone who likes me and who I like back and who I can cuddle with and feel comfortable around and have those butterflies with again. But fuck. It's just not happening for me, I'm rapidly losing faith that it ever will. And I truly just don't understand how I can have all these people around me, and all these guys interested in me, and still be probably the loneliest person I know.

It's like I have so much to offer, but I can't offer it. Either because I hit a wall and can't give someone that chance, or because the guys I meet I actually DO like don't want to give me that chance when I start to push them away... even when I explain to them why I'm doing it and that I'm changing and working on it.

It's just... whatever. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world, I've come to realize. I think that's what drew me into opiate addiction to begin with. At least opiates kept me company... euphoric... they made all of the pain go away. Really, that's the only time I haven't felt that horrible achy hole, is when I was riding an opiate high. Maybe that's why my cravings have come back so strongly lately... I don't know... I just need relief from this for one day. ONE fucking day, that's all I'm asking. But is that ever going to happen? No. I can't touch opiates anymore. I can't even find someone to help fill the hole. Not that anyone will ever be able to fill it, but I CAN think of a few people who would at least be able to heal it... but like I said, that's never going to happen... too far gone...

I don't know what to do anymore.

[Slug]
Would you prefer if I remove... MY... UHH?
Nah they.. they clean..
I mean.. what?
You wanna look at the bottom of...?

My shoes are clean girl, how about yours?
Here we are sitting on your living room floor
Listening to some records from your collection
Boredom; in between a coma and an erection
Staring at the skin on your shoulder blades
And you don't take your eyes off my poker face
I'm wasted, and your as sober as Jehovah
Knocking door to door, trying to walk to road
That the Mormon's paved
If she was here on your sofa with a beer on a coaster
She'd of told 'ya that my game was way over played
Make no mistake
I love the way you taste like yogurt and some clover cigarettes
Girl show me leg!
So I'ma gonna trade these shoes for rollerskates
And I'ma stay happy just as long as there is a whore to pay
But some of us already spent the rent
So we can't be content until there isn't no more today

[Chorus: repeat 2X]
Those are your shoes
These are my shoes
We've got issues

My shoes are muddy girl, how about yours?
Here we are loungin' on your bedroom floor
I'm really drunk so I'm looking at your carpet like
Man, fuck the permit, I know where I'ma park tonight
It's closing time, the spins are gonna visit me
They're rolling thick like they know they taking victory
But not tonight, right, I'ma make some history
Get up in your system and direct it like a symphony
Let me get to be the man of your mystery
'Cause them meddeling kids don't understand your sensitivity
Show some sympathy
Let me kiss your feet
Let's talk about a pretty bird and a busy bee
If I live to see fifty, I'ma be a tipsy, dirty old man
Still following my kid beliefs
I know it isn't really your responsibility
So we'll be strait once I take a hit of Listerine

[Chorus]

I can't find my shoes girl, how about yours?
Here I am naked on your bathroom floor
I got faded, and you fell asleep
And I'm thanking God that this date was hella cheap
Sitting down, trying to keep the liquor down
Light, stars and sounds everything flickers now
Sick bound, the whole room twists around
In front of the toilet assume the position to drown
Here it comes! Whiskey out bounces all over the floor
Now I'm sitting in the bitches mound
I'm just a clown and I'm sorry I found it funny
When you tripped over my shoes and hit the ground
Didn't know you would rip your gown
Didn't think you would shout and get so loud, get so wound
Yeah I'm drunk, but I'm more than a little proud
I'm leaving, fuck the shoes you keep them, I'm getting out

[Chorus]

Perfection [repeat 4X]

This post is about her but if your knew around here, this ones about me: my psychological profile.


Codependency is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. It may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns. It describes behavior, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or care taking.

You are a codependent if...

• If you are married to or in a relationship with an alcoholic or addicted person
• If you feel like you are not "complete" without another person
• If you are continually rescuing your teen, child, spouse, etc.
• If you feel responsible for their behaviors, actions, or feelings
• If you are always taking care of others to the sacrifice of yourself

Codependency runs rampant in the helping professions, e.g. medicine, nursing, mental health workers, teachers, and more. It is also rampant among families that have troubled children and teens.


Some controversial behaviors ascribed to codependent personalities are as follows:




Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to more serious problems like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, and other self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors. People with codependency are also more likely to stay in stressful jobs or relationships, less likely to seek medical attention when needed and are also less likely to get promotions and tend to earn less money than those without codependency patterns.

Denial patterns:

• I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low self-esteem patterns:

• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
• I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

Compliance patterns:

• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
• I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
• I accept sex when I want love.

Control patterns:

• I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
• I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
• I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Related reading:Fear of Abandonment, Dependent personality disorder, Submissive, Self-Control, Signs of an Abusive Relationship, Attachment In Adults, Rejected by mother, Personality Traits
in Abusive Relationships.

yeah it sucks...

that's when you gotta pay for your own food, your own gas, your own cell phone bill, your own clothes, and then I get a car, and then on top of that, gotta pay insurance, and on top of that, gotta pay rent, and utilities, and now I'm broke to the point that I can't eat anything but Top Ramen because that's all I can afford.

I really did. Wow, so much shit hit the fan at the same time but then main clencher was that my wife told me to get out. And she knows that I don't have any friends or any place else to go. My family is half a world a way, and I don't don't like them. And I don't have any money. So she screamed at me like the whistle blow at the shift end, and I loaded all the stuff that I can call mine and I made her give me my xanax - she gave me 20 mgs and I grove to the levy and took all the xanax thinking it would make killing myself easier, and I waded out into the river and started slicing my wrists. I tried about ten ten good times on each wrist, across and with the veins, and in no case was I able to slice well and truely.

So then I guess the xanax made me feel relaxed and I felt better so I stopped wanting to die. So I was barefoot and wrapped my hands in a sheet and drove home and asked my wife to check me into the hospital. She drove me to the hospital and then after about 24 hours they discharged me to a sanitarium - a very fine place - where you can snack any time, make coffee, make toast and where they have four group sessions of therapy a day and it was a really meaningful experience.

I learned alot about myself, not the least of which was that my medication was causing me distress and high blood pressure. Alot of which went into the factors of what made me try to off myself.

I am so glad that I didn't cut some important nerve or vein and lose use of my hand. I am an artist and if I couldn't use my hand I would be really sad. I will continue on with this blogging of this for awhile because I have been feeling really bad lately and there's no solutions. Just suicide isn't also any solution either.

Yea so I went to the doctor because I convinced myself I had endocarditis. You guys should of seen the look on this dudes face when I tell em im a junky and this long speel about why I think I have it the whole time I am rambling looking at the floor and shit. He just has this look like WTF so I finish he listens to my heart tells me its always a possibility but that I would be deathly ill and that I dont have a heart murmur but that my glands are swollen so he writes me pennicillan. Well the thing is my glands near my throat have been swollen for months so my dumbass comes home and gets on the net and bam now I think I have lymphoma. Great fuckin wonderful cause I dont have any real problems to worry about right?fuck. I think I just want to worry about my physical health so I dont have to worry about my mental health or my ever escalating suboxone and xanax dependance.

Then I find out that an old dope friend died of an OD and that my other dope friend is gonna get charged with manslaughter for not calling an ambulance and supllying the drugs. This girl who died has been clean for awhile
she was upper class definatly not a low down dope fiend acting type person. while me I have tried to kill myself with dope 4 times and I am still here you know why her? Who makes these decisions its not fair she gets to peacfully OD while im gonna die from lymphoma great. What a selfish bitch right? Man thats mean RIP and all that shit but damn life is crazy. Or maybe im just crazy?

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing thats for damn sure.

hello I am new to bluelight but have been reading posts on here for the past year or so... I just wanted to put a couple things out there that i havent heard to much discussed on here. I have been doing oxys for a couple years really hard at times doing up to 300mg a day and not even getting high from it. I have recently gotten into a suboxone program which saved my life.. I have slipped a few times in the past 7 months with a recent one that cost me about 3 grand over three weeks.

one of my main things these days is how much i love to actually take out my cologne cap (excellent tool btw) and crush the little blue 30s. the process in itself is something that I have become addicted to. the other day i took a half a sub (4mg) and 2 hours later broke up 4 blues to rail them just for the hell of it knowing that the suboxone would block (or overcompete) at my receptors and basically give me no affect. i keep seesawing back and forth which each time i go back i say never again yada yada yada.

my other question is that is it more effective to rail one 30 at a time in intervals or just do the pile all at once or does it not really matter either way?? thanks and sorry if i broke rules here but again this is my first post and will learn from this if told....

Three ways to win your heart?
HONESTY, respect, and open communication.

Do you like lightning?
No.

Ever cut someone else's hair?
Yeah I do it all the time for my dad, brother, and my fiance. I've tried to cut a girl's hair but I royally fucked it up. Oops!

Last person you said ‘i hate you’ to?
I don't remember.

Rain or sun?
Sun!!

Last stupid thing you said?
I say stupid shit on a daily basis.

Biggest turn off?
Insecurity, CHEATERS, and ignorant people.

Fave movie?
I have way too many.

Would you date someone that smokes?
Of course;; I smoke.

Would you date someone addicted to drugs?
I have. Once again, that would be hypocritical.

Biggest turn on, physically?
Nice teeth, nice face, decent body (doesn't have to be a body builder but a toned body would be nice), nice eyes, CLEAN. I'm not a big fan of facial hair.

Would you have sex w. someone you weren’t dating?
I have before but I don't do that for the most part.

Ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them?
I've missed someone but we broke up for a reason so I can't say that I regretted it.

Ever dated someone more than once?
Yes.

If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?
T.I. Yum! haha

Relationship status?
Engaged.

Do you like cuddling?
I love it.

Do you hold grudges?
I try not to but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

Regret dating anyone?
YES.

Hugger or kisser? Style?
Kisser. I'm a very sensual person, and very romantic.

Missing someone?
Romantically, no. I am missing my older daughter && my mom though. *They live 900 miles away...*

Most important lesson you’ve learned from your exes?
Don't take people back 5 million times. If they do something messed up enough for you to leave them, they won't change.

Happier single or in a relationship?
I'm happy both ways but I personally prefer to be in a relationship. I like knowing I have someone to cuddle with at the end of the day.

How important are looks?
Important. Looks are the first thing that draw your attention to someone.

Would you rather date someone SUPER-HOT or nice?
not sure

Do you stay friends with people you’ve dated?
some.

Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
No because if I'm important to them, they'd be with me && not even put me in the position to fight over them.

Kiss on the 1st date?
Yeah why not? These days, most people have sex on the first or second date lol kissing is nothing.

If someone cheated, would you take them back if you really loved them?
Nope. That's the ultimate betrayal.

A random guy comes up to you and says “who the hell are you”? What do you say back?
"Who the fuck are YOU?"

Are you spoiled?
I used to be, not anymore.

Three things you would not tolerate in a relationship?
Cheating/Insecurity/Someone who repeatedly hurts me.

33. which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute?
I can think of a few.

34. did you miss anyone today?
My mom/older daughter.

35. last person to see you cry?
My fiance. I've been really stressed lately so I've been crying a lot more than usual.

36. Who/what made you cry?
Money problems.

37. are you a forgiving person?
A little TOO forgiving, if you ask me.

38. would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?
Definitely NOT. I'm not into that.

39. i’ve come to realize the last person who gave me a hug…
is my amazing younger daughter and i love her more than anything.

40. are most of your friends guys or girls?
I used to have more guy friends but now I have more girl friends. I don't consider a lot of people true friends though.

41. how long does it take you to get ready to go out ?
If I need to take a shower/blowdry my hair, it takes about an hour and a half minimum. If I don't need to take a shower, it probably takes about 50 minutes.

42. how many people do you know of named Adam ?
4

44. what was the last thing you burnt ?
I don't remember.

45. what is your full name?
None of your business.

46. do you worry about the size of boobs?
No, I love my boobs. I'm a 34C.

47. are you addicted to gossip?
No, but I enjoy reading gossip magazines and stuff like that....

48. what are your favorite magazines?
Cosmopolitan, Life and Style, In Touch, etc.

49. did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy/girl?
Yep

50. did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
I'm sure I have. lol

51. what’s the biggest turn on about guys/girls?
...?? Not sure.

52. what color do you absolutely despise?
I don't like olive green lol it's hideous.

53. have you set your hair on fire?
wtf??

54. have you ever ran into a door because you didn’t see it?
LOL yep.

55. have you lost a friend recently?
Not recently but I've lost quite a few friends in the past...

56. is it easier to forgive, or to forget?
forget

57. do you give out second chances too easily?
unfortunately yes

58. is it awkward when you run into your exes?
Not usually.

59. have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Lol oh yes.

60. is your life simple or complicated?
pretty damn complicated

61. are you taller than 5′4″?
I'm 5'6".

63. is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
No. Naturally I have dirty blonde hair. Right now I have brown hair with blonde highlights.

64. does everything really happen for a reason?
I believe so, though sometimes it takes a while for that "reason" to show up. (Good answer. I just left it as it was.)

65. tell me something people may not know about you.
I'm VERY insecure.


DO IT!! You know you want to.