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BLAH!! I've had a stomach bug for the last couple of days and I didn't even feel like getting out of bed yesterday. Nothing like what 5600mg of sertraline hcl can do to your stomach though. Aside from flushing me out it left me, at work, inside a bathroom stall watching donald duck and daffy duck get in an arguement on the stall door... I lost that job that night when I waited on a party of 8 that was actually a party of 7, and there were kids in that party. That was 9yrs ago though, and thank God, I don't do stupid stuff like that now...

I had a friend ask me to fix this hard drive I'm on now so I could see if any of his pictures were salvageable. I messed my own hard drive up in the process. I'm ending this blog here just because I can't run windows 7 on this 9yr old computer built for windows xp. It's making it hard to post anything whether it be here on bluelight.ru or facebook or email.

Here's to reinstalling an operating system.......
Echo [o<

I wrote out my story, well not A story, MY life story and all the shit I've been through. I don't like thinking, or talking or writing about it at all so this was a huge step for me. More so that it was written in a public place where anyone can see it is even more huge for me as I have never shared anything about me in whole before.

I am not in the best place right now because of rehashing it but it needed to get out and hopefully it can be worked on and such.

Not much else to do when a psychiatrist is just out to diagnose and not counsel.

I wish I was able to talk with the person from my past to see how she's doing but its like she vanished off the face of this earth. I'm worried she may have killed herself/died. That or she just doesn't want to be found or she got married and her last name has changed or she changed her name or SOMETHING.

*sigh*

Well now my girlfriend took 2 pills for pain the other night and now today she has flu like symptoms. She's not sure if its just the flu or from taking the pills that were from January 2011. I told her that pills not stored correctly and/or held onto for a long while when ingested can cause flu like symptoms, it can cause adverse effects that can also land you in the hospital. We're not sure what's going on right now. I just hope she's better by morning or at least some time tomorrow.

I feel the need to write more but I have nothing else to say. Oh well.

Night all.

Finally got my legit klonopin prescription, and my Medi-Cal covered it. Takes care of a lot of issues. Feeling a lot more comfortable.

I hate that I've gotten so jaded. By friends who were not friends, boyfriends who were not in it for as long as I thought they were or who had other motives, by getting stuck in the legal system and misdiagnosed as mentally ill... by things I've done that other people judge when they have no right to. i used to be a lot more ambitious and always doing things.

Somehow I feel I've given up like my life is supposed to be this boring, useless rut. I am not asking for pity. I hate that I am like this, and I do things to change but then I'm SCARED of them, and I never used to be SCARED. I really think my jail and rehab experiences seriously hindered me a LOT more than I ever thought they would. This is like the only place I can say what I really think and read people who are like me or who get me.

Sad that I'm 34 and this site is my current place to think things out... I've gotten so easy to intimidate, I never was like that, ever. I really hope to get past this.

Into a strange drift once again, that seemingly inexorable descent into bitter, bloody, shit-eating stagnation. Breathe it in, deep down, until any further advances approaching the diaphragm prove painful and joyless. Breathe out the filth and condemnation of a strange dualistic day-to-day, both eternal, transient and horrifying. "May you live in interesting times." I can almost feel a freeze in peristalsis, a gentle tug where the liver should be, and a nagging behind the eyes as though strange larvae with unknown faces propagate a dark and foreign purpose.



This is my good mood. I'm foregoing sleep tonight to preserve it. Off to read for 6 hours, take a brief shower, do a bit of cleaning then brave the heat to find purpose. I'd ask for luck but...

Years before I even dared to seek out wisdom of the mushroom I knew that, by studying mind, ego and self [the same 'thing'], the only way to understanding anything and find happiness was to understand myself.

Without a basic understanding of self the first steps into the psychedelic inner realm often leads to intens confusion and continued re-living of a single thought and action [thoughtloops].

Our inner monologue is an ongoing stream of words and ideas that just keeps on going and going, seemingly without end. Some people think in images and not words, but for most of us the inner monologue starts when we wake up and ends when we fall asleep.

As we learn to observe thoughts and how we act upon them, we start to see how in essence we exist as a person, as an individual, in our thoughtprocesses, then you may start to realise that all we are, are these thoughtprocesses.

If we are our thoughts, and if our thoughts are all we are, how then is it possible for us to observe these thoughts? How can we be one thing when there's awareness of that thing separate from it?

This is where it gets interesting.

From the point of view of a person that is stuck in a thoughtloop there is no escaping the loop, yet somehow this person is aware of the fact that it's happening and starts feeling like he or she is losing sanity. That can only happen if there's awareness of what is happening separate from the person experiencing thoughtloops.

If you go on a trip with this knowledge, and if through meditation you've experienced this awareness, whenever a thoughtloop occurs one simply withdraws attention from the loop and steps back [as it were] to observe the loop. By withdrawing from the loop you stop feeding it and the loop will run it's course, and end.

Thoughtloops happen. It is part of the psychedelic experience, and I too experience them once in a while. The wonderful lesson you can learn from these loops however is this ability to step back, observe and watch thought[loops] end.

The gift of a quiet mind.

I don't have a "real" job but in my kinda job (freelance work?) I have to deal with the worst customers who expect me to do stupid things that I shouldn't have to do. ARG!

This guy was being so freaking annoying today and demanding all sorts of things from me and I was uuuurrrgggg at him.

I finally get away and he sends me all these messages, where did you go. I left you because you're freaking annoying.

I can't write much because I can't explain details of my job but STILL ... I deal with the worst customers!!!

Not that I enjoy fighting with my gal but in the end I think it made us closer and her with more of a realization that this isn't just a relationship with me at this point. We're past the whole, just dating me part. This is to the point of she needs to realize that the kids are involved in all this. My kids completely adore her and my son loves her to death though he will never admit it....he's a 6yr old boy....go figure LOL
Emotions were high, I got frustrated and hurt, things were said but because we're us.....neither of us went to bed mad or upset or hurt.
Things are pretty good right now and i hope they continue getting better.
I told her about why Austin is Austin, which was hard of course, but we pulled through it all.

The one thing about partners who are both good at 1 line comebacks and zingers. We don't always realize who they're aimed at. It really proves that one should think before they speak.

Well, Apparently no one wants to answer the phone and nothing much else to say, so.....

Thank god our date is coming up -- we need a nice night.

The apparent linear progression of time was halted by a healthy dose of Cubensis, and sunken deep in the lap of conscious reality the awareness of repeated, though unique, existence presented itself.

To be alive is a privilege, but to be alive and to be aware of its inherent unique beauty is a gift.

I had never been able to appreciate myself and this life with as much depth as i was after the deconstruction and subsequent rebuilding of 'my' self. The emotional cleansing and physical release of tension were very much part of the trip, but uprooting and healing deep-seated issues and trauma in a loving environment that existed within me was without a doubt the most cathartic experience I had until then.

Words can't fully express the gratitude I have for this small and in-nocuous fungus, and what it has given me all these years ago. Even now, at the beginning of this year, after a long absence, a mushroom trip was able to heal and offer closure of something that came to the surface, seeing my mother slip away into old age.

Perhaps the time has come to return to awareness of the fact that each time is the first time. Everyday life has the habit of obscuring the obvious truths, but whatever this life is, it's extraordinary.

OK so swim was put on mobic 15 mg for his knee and swim is a long time addict of oxycodone and has recently ran out. So swims question is, is the any possible way to get high off of a higher dose of the mobic he was perscribed? Also im new on here so no negitive feedback please

OK so swim was put on mobic 15 mg for his knee and swim is a long time addict of oxycodone and has recently ran out. So swims question is, is the any possible way to get high off of a higher dose of the mobic he was perscribed? Also im new on here so no negitive feedback please


"I heard you was doin you but you heard I was doin better"
-weezy-

"I love you,” I said.

She thought about it. “No,” she said at last, “I don’t like it.”

“Why not?” I said.

“It’s as though you were pointing a gun at my head,” she said. “It’s just a way of getting somebody to say something they probably don’t mean. What else can I say, or anybody say, but ‘I love you, too’?"

Well I have had a ton of sites of all kinds in the past like 12 years and I always got bored and kept changing them. But I used to post and read on Bluelight years ago. I kinda forgot about it until recently. I used to have a different username, which I still wanted but I forgot the password and email address for it so I started over.

Anyway, I'll just start where I am now. It's almost sunrise, I've been up all night, not intentionally... but my ex bfriend gave me some extra meth he had and, being the speedy type girl that I am, I thanked him and took it. He gave me about enough to last a normal person for 5 minutes. But since I am SUPPOSED to be on the wagon, my tolerance is low. I'm trying to make the stuff last a few days. I have been trying to score some of my own, against the face of my group therapies I have to attend (court ordered...) and my social worker and psychiatrist appointments... Honestly, I am totally fucking vain and due to some dumbass doctor who prescribed a major anti-psychotic for me when I was in jail last year (another story) I gained 40 LBS in 3.5 months from this particular medication. Now, I made much of my living as a model, actress, singer. I'm not a runway model, but I am USUALLY quite slim naturally. I just got ultra stuck-up a few years ago and started speed to make sure I wouldn't gain weight as I was gogo dancing for awhile. I honestly don't LIKE the feeling of speed. I get a panic attack the second I sniff it. I have to have a Klonopin or Valium to take right after I do a bump... but anyway...

So here I am, while most people i know are getting up to go to work and take their kids to school, while I'm living at home with ma and pa again after 10 yrs totally independent. Waiting for disability $ to come in due to a pretty bad back injury I have from a car wreck years ago, which was not my fault... I'm not really tweaking. I'm just awake.

And the past year, I was sent to jail for something stupid I did while I was high and drunk, but the jail folks thought I was mentally ill. No, I was withdrawing from a TON of Xanax I'd been on for years, and withdrawing from meth. But I was placed on powerful antipsychotics and put in the psych ward of the LA County Womens Jail for 3 months. Then sent to a couple live-in dual-diagnosis rehab programs for another 8 months. I was literally living under a rock for the past year. It's been over 4 months and I am JUST starting to lift my head up. it's hard.

I dunno if anyone's gonna read this but I kinda like writing it. Much better than the many messy notebooks I'd scribble in when high in the past, lunatic writings that I've practically burned since I found them again. Very embarrassing. So here, a little better!

I'm so stupid and vain, as I've said. I constantly CONSTANTLY OBSESS on losing the weight I gained while I was gone. I HATE mirrors, photos of me, whether new OR old, cuz the old ones make me sad that I am not looking like that anymore and the new pics just make me look like a fat cow. I've NEVER had such bad self image and I give up, I know meth will make me lose the weight, at least get me started on getting some of it off (nothing ELSE is working, and I know ALL about working out, diet, etc. I mean, I was practically anorexic anyway.) So I give up, I'm going back to meth but (and I know everyone says this) I can hold my drugs and I am strictly limiting how I am going to do this... I just can't wake up every morning feeling fat and ugly and worthless and fatigued and all that. And honestly I don't want to try other ways to fix this, at least not now! I've decided.

My real drug of choice (other than benzos, which I actually need, but then I end up abusing them if I am not careful) is E. Well, E and GHB or GBL together. I'll never say a bad thing about E/E+G because in ALL my many experiences with them, I never had such a great time, with friends, boyfriends, strangers, even my dogs. Nothing beats it. But I like to save that for celebration times, and I have not felt there was much to celebrate lately.

So I'm sobering up. The sun is coming up. I'm still in my parents' house where I must abide by a ton of contracted rules they made before I left the rehab programs, terms I have to follow if I want to stay here with low-rent. My credit score is shot so bad due to my stupidity in trying to help support a couple deadbeat boyfriends who of course never paid me back, and my personal/legal issues also could hinder my getting good work. I've WORKED. I've worked in SO many different areas. But I sorta sabotaged myself. I've done things that can or will negatively affect future jobs, future friendships, future relationships, very much so. I'm hard on myself, maybe too much. People are so judgmental though, even though they know they are sure as shit not perfect.

Well I'm off to read some other people's stuff...

OK, this is a weird story and probably not a lot of people will sympathize, but basically due to some things I've done in the past, I can honestly say my life, job future, future relationships and family, are possibly all ruined for real. And I am not talking about problems with drugs.

Over a decade ago I started modeling, just little jobs, but they paid well, and I acted and sang since I was little. I met some folks who just got together and drank and shot little naughty home videos and photos of themselves, FOR themselves, often just destroyed after they were made, or locked up in a safe. They were all successful and pretty normal and not porn people, they just liked to party and needed some extra money. So quite a few girls and one guy would get together and have naked parties, rolling, drinking, or whatnot, talking about all kinds of things the whole time. Sometimes sex happened, sometimes not, but when it did it was always playful, like we were joking around. It wasn't fake like porn, nor was it like real-life. We were goofing around.

I happened to get some "fans" for my non-nude work (no one knew about the nude stuff.) Mainly everything was online, all the jobs, shoots, networking, etc. it was when models and actors were first starting to use the net to try to get work, not at all like it is now! And I got quite a few legit, real gigs.

But I ended up not going into those fields except for side work. I went into actually running a real porn site and a couple other non porn sites, with the guy I mentioned before. We had it legitimately set up and everything. I ended up doing a lot of shoots with him and girls who were NOT models and were NOT signing releases or anything, it was all strictly NOT supposed to be shown anywhere.

Well jump forward to a few years ago, somehow a couple of guys who were following my career stumbled upon my business partner, after I'd already moved on to another job. FOR SOME REASON (he had no reason to out me, we did not have a falling out, and he was already rich so did not need the $, AND he's from a well-known family who would disown him if they found out) he sold many of the private videos to a few guys. Not just of me, but of other girls who also never signed a release agreement nor who got paid as much as they would have if it were real porn. Those few guys who bought the vids decided to go to online forums, giving my ENTIRE WHOLE NAME, WHERE I LIVE, my history, the whole nine yards. Anyone who does a simple Google search can type in my name and BAM see a ton of postings saying i shot porn, giving my fake name, asking where they can find more videos, etc.

I was GONE for a year, in jail and rehab, and while I was gone was when all this stuff started to leak. So I was slammed with it when I got out in April. Mainly a "frenemy" of mine, a guy who is a little twerp who used to be my friend but who now just likes to see me struggle, pointed out EVERYTHING to me, all the postings, photos, he bought ALL the videos and tried to make me watch them as if I won an Academy Award for them!!! I was furious but so upset I just avoided it all. I can go on pretending it didn't happen forever, but the say is gonna come when someone I care about is going to confront me about it all, and it *WILL* keep me from getting jobs, being with certain people, no one will want me around their kids or boyfriends/husbands/sons, etc.

I often wake up with dread, thinking I totally have really fucked my life up for good and there's no future for me. i feel I'll be living with ma and pa forever, working some little jobs that will take me even with my ruined name and reputation, never to have another real relationship again, not to mention marriage or kids.

And on top of that I have the arrest/jail record and drugs. Whether I go sober or not, the drugs will always be part of my past.

AND I spent almost 3 years as a bikini gogo dancer, which *I* liked but everyone else is going to judge that too... AND I even was a high-price escort for 2 months like 5 years ago, which NO I don't need to tell anyone, but it will always remain in my memory of a time I was NOT happy with, granted the cash was excellent.

I mean, i have two BAs from a great university, I did have real work experience, and real meaningful relationships, but I feel like I chose to throw them all away. yes there were real reasons why i did everything and I never MEANT for it to hinder my life, but due to one person who broke the trust and started all the floodgates to open, now I just feel like I have a wasted life.

I know i'm smart and talented and kind and helpful and loving and REAL, but other people might not give a shit about any of that. All many of them will see, once they find out, is, "She had sex on video for the world to see AND she didn't even get paid much for it, how stupid can she be?" In this country, I'll be judged as no morals, no values, no self-respect, no dignity, no ambition, no brains!

I KNOW there are SO many people who choose to do really evil things but they manage to keep it private so they can still appear decent. I can't do that. I've never hurt anyone, used people to get what I want or need, exploited anyone, robbed, etc. But people are still going to judge based on what they find out, especially if it's good gossip... and my situations provide a lot of gossip fodder and jokes about me.

Every day I wake up afraid I'm going to be confronted about this. It has not happened yet. I KNOW some of my friends/family must know and are not saying anything. But some of them don't have a clue, and when they find out, seeing the images and words for themselves, I really have nothing to say about it and I know it's going to ruin or really hurt some of my relations.

I can't remove the stuff online, it's too widely spread. And the guy who betrayed me and the other girls and sold the stuff, well, he contacted me a few months ago with a serious suicide letter, details and everything. I do not know if he did it. I did talk with him, and did not talk about the videos, but was trying to get him to not feel suicidal... He said he was going to another country. I haven't heard from him, but I also have not seen his obituary and he has a semi-big name so it would have been in the paper.

WOW I wrote a lot. Well it's been eating me up for a long time and i can't TELL anyone! There are the few people who found out about this and told me, and they know I do not want to talk about it. I am always afraid meeting new people, thinking if I get to know them, it's just a matter of time before they see the XXX footage. It's not like I'm a real porn star who can shrug it off. I'm a NON porn girl who is now online doing porn that wasn't supposed to be seen by anyone other than us.

(Lesson folks? Don't do ANYTHING on camera. NOTHING. NO MATTER WHAT.)

1. what are three ways to win your heart?
Loyalty, friendship, respect

2. do you like lightning?
nope

3. have you ever cut someone else's hair?
Yes, but I was drunk and high...

4. last person you said ‘i hate you’ to?
Some randoms I don't know.

5. rain or sunshine?
Sun

6. last stupid thing you said to anyone?
That he could copy all the contents off my hard drive.

7. biggest turn off?
Bad hygiene

8. fave movie?
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

9. would you date someone who smokes?
I guess

10. would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?
Depends

11. what’s your biggest turn on, physically?
Eyes, face

12. would you have sex w. someone you weren’t dating?
Maybe.

13. have you ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them?
OF COURSE

14. have you ever dated someone more than once?
yes

15. if you could go on ONE DATE with any celebrity, who would it be?
I dunno


16. what’s your relationship status?
Single

17. do you like cuddling?
Sometimes.

18. do you hold grudges?
Not many, but a few good ones.

19. do you regret dating anyone?
Yup.

20. hugger or kisser? Style?
Kisser. Soft.


21. missing someone?
My ex.

22. most important lesson you’ve learned from your exes?
To be open, honest, and a true partner.


23. are you happier single or in a relationship?
relationship

24. how important are looks?
Medium

25. would you rather date someone who was SUPER-HOT or someone who was nice?
Nice.

26. do you stay friends w/ the people you’ve dated?
Most

27. would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
That depends

28. do you kiss on the 1st date?
Yes

29. if someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them?
Ouch. I don't know.

30. some random guy comes up to you and says “who the hell are you”? What do you say back?
Fuck you.

31. are you spoiled?
No but people sometimes think i am.

32. name three things you would not tolerate in a relationship?
Abuse, stealing, extreme jealousy/suspicion.

33. which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute?
Probably a lot more than I'd think.

34. did you miss anyone today?
My dog.

35. last person to see you cry?
My mom.

36. Who/what made you cry?
That ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan...


37. are you a forgiving person?
Pretty much.

38. would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?
Only if it was totally for fun.

39. i’ve come to realize the last person who gave me a hug…
my dog

40. are most of your friends guys or girls?
guys

41. how long does it take you to get ready to go out ?
an hour

42. how many people do you know of named Adam ?
One

44. what was the last thing you burnt ?
My eyelash curler

45. what is your full name?
Not telling

46. do you worry about the size of boobs?
They are 32B-34B but I wish a little smaller cuz they grew when I gained weight that I never wanted to gain. So if they shrink it means I'm losing the weight.

47. are you addicted to gossip?
Sometimes.

48. what are your favorite magazines?
Discover, US Weekly, Marie Claire

49. did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy/girl?
Yes

50. did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
not romantic movie

51. what’s the biggest turn on about guys/girls?
Wit, conversation, talent, loyalty


52. what color do you absolutely despise?
chartreuse

53. have you set your hair on fire?
Yes, by accident when I was cooking. It went out fast tho.

54. have you ever ran into a door because you didn’t see it?
Almost.

55. have you lost a friend recently?
Yes

56. is it easier to forgive, or to forget?
Forget.

57. do you give out second chances too easily?
Yup. But I get them as well.

58. is it awkward when you run into your exes?
No.

59. have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Many times.

60. is your life simple or complicated?
Complicated but boring.

61. are you taller than 5′4″?
I am 5'4"

63. is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
highlights

64. does everything really happen for a reason?
I used to, but not anymore.

65. tell me something people may not know about you.
I've partied with rich old folks on private jets who were billionaires but we also used their Black Amex cards to cut the meth we snorted all night; I've spoken at length about quantum physics with a two-striker crack addict prison-gang-member, and he totally understood it all. I have spent a ton of time with SO many different types of people and it's so true you can't judge a person till you've walked in their shoes a LONG time.

Gave my friend $ last night to get me speed today, and haven't had him reply to my texts which is unusual cuz he's super careful about stuff so I'm a little worried what's going on. Probably nothing, but I haven't bought in over a year so I'm nervous.

Hi, my name is: SoCalGirl

Never in my life have I been: skydiving

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my mom

High school was: horrible but I got all A's

When I'm nervous: I need Klonopin

The last time I cried was: ?

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: N/A

My hair is: brown, with highlights

When I was 10: I was doing musicals

Last Christmas: I don't remember

I should be: sleeping

When I look down I see: my socks

The happiest recent event was: hanging out a couple nights ago

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: Never watched it enough to know

By this time next year: I hope I am independent again.

My current gripe is: nosy, judgmental people

I have a hard time understanding: people who got married and had kids so fast

There's this girl I know that: f's guys up their butts for pay

You know I like you when: I confide in you.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my mom.

Take my advice: don't do anything stupid on film!

Something that I really want to buy is: a new digital camera

If you visited the place I was born: you'd think it was a southern town in the middle of LA

I plan to visit: Hawaii again

If you spend the night at my house: you'd have to sleep on the sofa

I'd stop my wedding if: my guy flaked

The world could do without: hate

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: apologize

Most recent thing I've bought myself: some hot shirts from a thrift store

Most recent thing someone else bought me: clothes

My favorite blonde is: N/A

My favorite brunette is: my chihuahua

My favorite redhead is: n/a

My middle name is: ?

This morning I: ate strawberry yogurt and did a bump

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: dogs

Once, at a bar: I was a gogo lingerie dancer

Last night I was: awake, listening to the radio

There's this guy I know who: used to think he was the slow kid in class but that everyone was just too nice to tell him

I don't know: how to lose this awful weight

A better name for me would be: Rock Star

Tomorrow I am: dunno

Tonight I am: trying to sleep

My birthday is: in less than a month

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: for someone to tell me Happy Valentine's Day!

I can sing: a lot

I like a guy named: Jared

My best friend's name: N/A

Wow, now drama literally comes calling to my door. Having some drunk lunatic raging at my door in front of my 11 & 6yr old is unacceptable. -I- had to be restrained from getting violent from being called a diddler.
Got fed up and just called the cops after he tried busting in my door and my kids were in hysterics. They couldn't do much because we didn't know 100% sure where the psycho lived, so all they did was take report and names and ages of all people involved and told me to call back if he should show up at my door again.

Wtf, people need to just fuck off, srsly.

Yeah, I am serious chance of fucking myself up tonight....

Fuck.

People suck.

I've been having a hard think of what to do next online and since I have problems with anxiety, stress, and most of all insomnia - I've been thinking of creating a forum with the front-end being a portal (so it looks like a website).

Would anyone be interested in this idea think it's worthwhile? If so please reply here or by PM

Click here to see the topic that was made on the blog post below.

I have said it verbally a couple times, but I am going to put it in writing and hold myself accountable to stick with it from here on out no matter what.

I am THROUGH with buying fresh produce at the local grocery store. DONE with it.

Not only is it more expensive than the grocer that is a half hour away, but the quality is severely lacking. Produce should not be almost completely spoiled within three days of getting it home. Partially? Sure. Almost entirely? I don't think so. The turn-over rate there is terrible in general, the fresh organic department is apparently no exception.

Bought broccoli Sunday. Almost entirely spoiled Wednesday. Tried to salvage some pieces... Cut the florets apart and what do I see? BUGS. NUMEROUS BUGS between the individual florets. Under close examination there were about six on one bite-sized piece.

Sure, they were all dead. Yes, bugs on organic produce is to be expected. But that many? Uh, something is wrong there.

OH, and the organic bananas I bought Sunday? They're turning black without having turned yellow yet!

From here on out, if I don't buy produce from the road-side stand or from the grocer that's a half hour away, I cannot have it. I am DONE with the self proclaimed "friendly market" for fresh produce, unless there is a dire need for the following items that are easily washed and/or are not highly perishable: mushrooms, potatoes, squash, apples, (conventional) bananas, and onions.

Most of you would laugh at me if you saw me on ANY opiate narcotic painkiller. I bitch, whine, cry, puke, cry, puke, and then grab a benzo to knock me out and put me out of my misery. I hate painkillers SOOOOO much. Norco, Oxy, Vicodin, Tramadol, etc., I've tried them all cuz I have two herniated disks in my back, but all they did was put me in hell. (I was even on a Morphine IV drip once, but they didn't know I was allergic, so I don't remember a thing about that.)

Didn't really plan to. My friend had a tiny bit of meth left and it's pretty potent and kept me up, but kinda in that not so great way where you ARE tired but you don't have any benzos... and not hyper enough to do something interesting. So I played with my digital camera of a few hours. Shot some interesting things but nothing totally amazing. Am supposed to get my benzo prescription tomorrow, was supposed to have it already but it didn't happen, so I have been nervous. The downside of meth for me. I don't really enjoy the HIGH, I like just cruising on it at a nice, enrgetic but not totally tweaked out level.

Began to feel guilty about my recent uses. Since I was clean for a year (cuz I had to be) and I did use a few times in the last few months, this is the first time I'm buying a little stash for myself in over a year, of meth. Sounds dumb, but I was missing it kinda like it was a person. I never felt guilty even when I was a heavy user, but yesterday something sad happened at home, and I totally felt like a piece of shit just for putting some of my money towards drugs again. *I* know I am ok with it, but I started thinking how pissed and disappointed some other people would be with me if they knew. (I mean, it is my own earned money, and I am not neglecting to pay anything I need to pay or whatever.)

I just started feeling lame. It is hard, because I live with my family and not on my own as I did for a long time, and I am stuck here for awhile without much independence at all. It's like being 15 years old when I am 34. But really I have no other good options right now, as far as living situations.

I know meth is a selfish thing to me, it's because I like to keep my weight low and I like to feel the extra energy when I need it. It's not like when i roll/GHB when I feel YES it IS great to me but it is also totally about the interconnections and understandings with others, not just because i want to utilize it for my own reasons.

Well I know I'll make my stash last a lot longer than I used to in the past because my tolerance is so low and I know how to hold my drugs a lot better now. The last thing I want is people to think I am really crazy or whacked out. Even though I say I don't want to be judged, i know everyone is totally judged even if unfairly.

My low tolerance self is still going from the, like, 3 little bumps I've had hours ago. There's no more left. But yeah I gave in and am getting some tomorrow. I should feel bad or guilty about it, considering the rehab programs I was in, jail, etc. But meth was not really my problem. Xanax was. Because once you're on that, it's hell to try to come off it, so you have to just, well, not run out of it...

I've heard the withdrawal is worse than heroin. I wouldn't know about heroin but the Xanax withdrawal is the most painful, uncomfortable, and frustrating thing I've ever been thru. And I actually started using it legally, for my back spasms and panic... but I have Ativan or Klonopin now, much nicer to the body.

Anyway, I've been semi tweaked out on the computer all day, making up for a lot of time i was slacking and not doing anything online at all, but I am in control and I am fine with the fact that I'm not 100% on the sober wagon.

I think it's funny how you get busted one time, or have a problem with ONE drug or substance, and then it's gung-ho abstinence from EVERYTHING. For me, that's ridiculous. I had to go to court ordered AA for a month every day, and I'm not nearly an alcoholic, so I drink when I want to...

I know how some people need the 12-Step Programs. But they did nothing for me. Anyway, I'm logging off for awhile. Who knows, I might not come back on for two months, lol. Depends on everything.