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it is rather odd, i get all my mail and my husband has gotten none of his. its annoying cause right now we are sharing one debit card.

i decided to mail ourselves 2 postcards, one addressed to me and one to him. i kind of wonder what will happen.

this is how exciting my life is nowadays!

well I think i finally did it. Opiates have no effect on me any more. I no longer shoot dope. so snorting or eating pills is my only way of going about the secret ritual. I just stopped methadone a few weeks ago, after 10 years of use. I was perscribed 15 fentanyl 100mcgs for a few months.....nothing. i got a script for opana(ER) nothing there either. morphine.....only a stomach ache. I get oxy 30s. but i only take them to help me remember what its like to snort something worth the trouble. Im on disability and i have an awsome doctor. so I get pretty much whatever i ask for. I just wish I could get that warm fuzzy all-is-well-in-the-universe feeling again. BUT I CAN'T. I can take enough shit to kill a horse. and I don't even get sleepy. I hate it. SO........I have resorted to drinking like a civ. ughhh...... the only thing I havent been perscribed is subutex. I cant believe it. I finally ran out of options

It was almost irresponsible how relieved I was to be fired from my job last night. I have crossed the line. There are a hundred different reasons why I could be critical of my boss, my family, myself, doctors, friends, but I am no longer putting any of those things in the equation. i am going to be a taker, full time. Ever since I was 16, people have been trying to turn me into a criminal. I worked like a good-natured, scared, abused dog at my first job, and they scapegoated me for large amounts of theft occurring at the store. I was ridiculously innocent, but they said that I could pay them $600 and they wouldn't tell my father. So I took the bait and they arrested me. I fought the case and won, but I believe that that night in jail was the first major catalyst in the development of someone very, very bad. As the years go by, the frustration that people who treated me poorly aren't all fucked up financially or with major medical conditions grows stronger.

I'm really tired of only operating in the first two gears just to fit in. It's over. The complex system of morals that I've forcibly laid over my firmware since being beaten for doing the wrong thing as a child has no more place inside me. Instead of people having to wonder whether I'm friend or foe, whether I'm smart or dumb, whether I'm cool or clueless, they are going to know right away that I am here to fuck up the fun. My stomach hurts, my head always feels like it's about to explode, and I am very bitter about life. I'm not going to be cool to be around anymore. I'm out of the cage now.

Just wondering if anyone knows anything about BACLOFEN? My friend took some and is in bad shape right now. 8(

Can it cause flu like symptoms the next day if one hasn't taken it in 7 months? Like as in the person got a prescription in January 2011, has taken a few then (that month) but has touched them since and took 3 10mg pills of them 2 nights ago and wakes up sick yesterday.

I know that someone can have a bad reaction because of improper storage and the breakdown of the narcotics etc etc. but could the flu like symptoms be withdrawals? or a bad reaction to the Pain meds? or just a random coincidence? Would the pills be expired?

Not sure if its pill related or just the actual stomach flu.

Fever, headache, severe stomach cramps, lack of appetite, gas, hot and cold chills, diarrhea and lethargic were all for the first 24hrs and now its just stomach cramps, diarrhea, gas and lethargic-ish.

If anyone knows anything, please comment.


Thanks.

The boy felt paranoid, afraid, lost in another world. Before hitting the joint everything had been normal for nearly 16 years. Now the world had transformed into a dark and scary place.

"Are the neighbors home? Why are we making so much noise?" he questioned irritably. His friends, lost in the bliss of the smoke, merely shrugged off his fears and insecurities without consequence.

This world he was in was real. It was like a dream. It was slowly moving in a constant motion, taking surreal turns. Words required effort to pronounce. "I" "The" "but" all required intense thought. Was this even english? What if the language he was speaking could be misinterpretted to reveal his previous activities? Everyone would know that he, the boy, was HIGH.

The devil himself was snickering. He had lured one of god's faithful sheep into the cage of marijuana. The only escape was...

There was no escape. Having realized that initiated a panic. What if this feeling would last forever? What if he was trapped in this realm of hell for all eternity because of one puff on a joint? The boy felt like crying, he put his hands on his face. His entire mind was cramping in agony.

Where am I? he thought. He was now in the woods. Where are the police? I hope they don't find me. his friends felt little sympathy as my current self would also feel.

The boy's mind was alive and it was eating away at every possibility of a possibility. Every solution of every possible algorithm of events had been preordained and he felt very little power over choosing which one would happen next. He knew for sure that he would get caught. There was no faking how he felt on the inside. It was almost as if someone had stamped the word, "MARIJUANA" on his forehead for the world to see. The boy felt shame and, at the end of the day would, very unfortunately, not regret his actions.

Having now moved to a game-room, he was watching a movie, drinking soda and enjoying the lengthy effects of the drug of the tetrahydrocannabinol sort. Having a clearer head, he managed to speak his mind, now joking about the way he felt earlier among his friends. Walking into his own home was not at all scary, but in fact fun, as the drug seemed to intensify positive emotions. He was glad to finally be home and know that his parents did not suspect the use of any criminal substances, that only thugs and hoodlums use.

I'll probably do these every one in a while, like I will with my attempts to organize my thoughts (in reference to my first blog) so I might as well make it into it's own little "mini-series" so to speak as well. But moving on to the matter at hand, yeah?

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
Personal is practically my middle name. At least on BL. I don't hold ANYTHING back on this site, hah. There's no reason to - everyone is in the same (if not similar) situations. It's one of the things I love best about this community.

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
Of course. How am I going to deny something if I've been caught red-handed?

The last time you felt honestly broken?
Recently. As in, last week. Things just kept building and building, and then one thing happened, and suddenly I found myself broken. Things have improved significantly since then, but I came pretty close to feeling the same way last night. Not broken though, just extremely lonely and missing someone badly.

Are you craving something?
Yes. A good opiate high, sex, and weed. In that order. None of which I can get at this particular moment. I'm on Suboxone so I couldn't get a high even if I shot heroin (which I never have, but still. Just trying to illustrate the point that Suboxone makes it impossible to get high off of opiates.) There is only one person I'm currently sleeping with, but it's 6:30 in the morning, so I'm obviously going to have to wait. And one person who I HAVE slept with and still want to sleep with, but the situation is complicated so I'm not sure that's the best idea right now. I somehow managed to break BOTH of my pipes within the course of a week, so I have no way to smoke weed.
"You can't always get, what you wa-aaant..."

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
One of the above. Obviously. Although I would trade all three of those things in a heartbeat for just ONE more day with someone. Hell, even one more hour. But you can't bring people back from the dead, now can you? No. So I guess I'll go with the first three. But he really is all I want... too bad it's impossible.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
None. Ten is WAY too much.

What do you hear right now?
The sounds of silence- cars driving by. Random groans and creaks every once in a while, from my house settling. Palm trees creaking outside in the wind. Birds chirping. The sound of silverware clinking together as my parents eat breakfast and get ready for work. The air conditioner turning on. It's amazing the things you hear when everything is "silent". True silence doesn't really exist. But all of those little sounds you hear in silence are still peaceful, if you stop and listen.

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
Yep.

What’s on your mind right now?
Basically everything, too much to put into words.

Are you there for your friends?
Most definitely. I'm extremely loyal - one of my strongest traits.

Last person to see you cry?
The guy I was referring to above.... the one where I said it's a complicated situation.

What do you do when you get nervous?
Pop a few xanax. Go shopping (always helps, without fail). Or do something stupid like just sit and think... which, of course, only increases my anxiety.

Be honest, do you like people in general?
Yeah actually, I do. Which is quite surprising considering people are the reason for most of my problems hah.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
Not sure.

Does anyone completely understand you?
Yes, but he's long gone, so.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Yes. But there's enough other shit going on at the moment to make me NOT want to smile. I'll settle for one of these instead:

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Yeah, several people. All lies. They all did something to screw it up in the end, or they left themselves, or they just went and died on me.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
Hell yeah. I'd rewind back to May 1, 2007. I wish I could do my entire military career over again. Be a better Marine (even though I was already a damn good one as it was... just not the best recruit.) Avoid certain people. Pay more attention to others. Most importantly, I wouldn't have left "him" behind, because I know how much it hurt him. And if I hadn't done that, maybe I could have prevented him from leaving as well. Maybe I could have kept him at Parris Island, instead of letting him head over to a deployable unit. Maybe, if I had just stuck around for a few more months... then maybe, he would still be around.

Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
My mom, yes. Pretty much.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
No.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
Probably, lol. I'm waiting for it.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Yes, yes I can. The answer is absolutely no one. I don't develop feelings for people easily at all.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
A combination of all three, depending on the day. But I tend to think about the past and the future more than the present. That's probably the reason I tend to get somewhat "stuck" a lot of the time.

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
It varies. Sometimes none, other times 4-5, other times 8, and other times 12 or so.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
Same person who last saw me cry.

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
I'm 23.

Do you have siblings?
Yeahh.

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
haha yes.

How has the past week been for you?
A fucking rollercoaster.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Yep.

What’s on your mind right now?
Everything.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Falling asleep on and off while watching TV.

What is your current mood?
A bit numb. A bit hopeful. A lot lonely. And a little bit sad.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Same person I said that I last had a serious conversation with.

Will this week be a good one?
I'm going to try to make it one. But then again, I always say that lol and something bad ends up happening anyways. It's been alright so far despite my strange frame of mind... hopefully it will continue that way and hopefully I'll be able to clear my head a bit as well.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
A couple of things.

Who were you with last night?
My family.

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Yeah.

Next time you will kiss someone?
Idk, but hopefully soon, cause I need to get some.

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Um.. usually it's kind of both.... like you lock eyes and then you both start moving in at the same time.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
It's still too early in the week to tell, but yeah, I'm sure I'll end up doing something.

I used to live in the future thinking of all the crazy things I wanted to do all the lines I would blow the smoke I would inhale the partys I was gonna go to. Well I did it I went all the way as far as I could I got everything I wanted. Now all I have are memorys of people places and things I cherish these memorys I just dont see how life will ever be as good as it was. I realize it was the people that made it great I had some wonderful friends I called them my brothers now we dont speak. What happened? Four years is a long time alot of things have happened if I could go back I would have enjoyed those times more damn if I only knew then what I do now.

People tell me im better now they tell me how great im doing how much better I look. I smile and thank them politely thinking what a load of shit that is if they only knew how I felt. I gave up so much for heroin that I wonder if I can really stand not to go back it feels like im cheating myself out of the life I made. If I cant be happy then why shouldnt I be miserable with a needle in my arm? I know I romanticize heroin but it did give my life a purpose I always had something I had to do there was excitment and that feeling of walking on the edge anyday could of been my last everytime I pressed down the plunger I wondered is this it will I be set free?

There was this short time in my life when I was 18 when I had self confidence I remember it like a dream the anxiety I had felt all my life slipped away I was free. I had a big group of friends and we where close very close we partyed every weekend smoked everyday and I was happy. I guess I just crave acceptance but I cant seem to figure out how to get it. I keep hoping one day im gonna wake up and be confident like be able to look a girl in the face and speak whats on my mind be able to have normal human interactions that I crave. Maybe one day

I got a hold or some real MDA this past weekend. My boyfriend and I both took it in the early morning at this club that we often go to. I was expecting it to be someone similar to MDMA, like the overall "good" feeling, with some cool visuals.

First, the come up SUCKED. Now I had mdma comeups but they last 30 mins - 1 hour. I puke and it's over with, then I feel amazing. I puked on MDA THREE TIMES ... and did not feel better after any of them! I kept thinking "oh this will be it" and I'll feel good. But nope! Nothing! I never felt "good" or "happy" or anything. I tried to dance a bit to shake off the feeling but that didn't work. I sat down and tried to relax but that didn't work either. I was so antsy as well. I would get up, walk around in like circles or something, sit down, get up again, etc. We even went back to my place instead of staying at the club. We're both incredibly comfortable with the club (it's kind of like a lounge and a club) but thought it might be better to lie down at my place. I could not get comfortable in my bed or anything so we went back to the club so we could get distracted by the music and other people.

Eventually the come up faded ... although it took about two hours to get over the antsy and incredibly sick feeling. I still felt kind of sick, but just a bit nauseous, I knew I wasn't going to throw up again. I did a bit of dancing but it was not fun. For a couple hours we just kind of went back and forth. Dancing a bit, sitting a bit, standing outside, etc.

The MDA made me feel extremely disoriented and clumsy. I was falling over everywhere and could not keep my balance. This has not happened (to the extreme) on anything else except maybe mushrooms a bit. I didn't really enjoy this as it was kind of obvious that I was on something. I couldn't walk in a straight line, I was stumbling.

As for the visuals ... perhaps this is because I have had experience with other psychedelics (mushrooms, 2ci, 2ce, acid) but the visuals sucked. To me, it just felt like my eyes were really blurry. Things didn't even look "better" ... they looked the same, just blurry!

We eventually started to sober up. We were actually feeling better, the more sober that we got. I found this amusing because normally I'm wishing I could stay high for longer.

We ended up taking some pure MDMA after that as we really wanted to enjoy ourselves.

All in all: I hated the MDA. Didn't seem like there were any benefits. Visuals sucked. The feeling sucked. The come up was the worst! (and I've had some brutal come ups on MDMA, mushrooms, 2c-x) I would not try it again and I would not recommend it to others.

Fuckkk! My job doesn't earn enough for rent. My landlord stole my money and made me pay a whole bunch of extra money so I've got nothing. Yeah I'm going to court but it's in another month!! I still have a month without money. I owe my previous landlord $100 for staying at her place an extra few days while my landlord bailed on me and wouldn't return my money! Fuck I don't have $100. I'm only like $300 in debt but STILL!

On top of it, my pay cheque didn't come in this month. So at the end of September, I should be getting money back from the landlord and two month's worth of pay. That'll be great - then! But for now, what the fuck do I do? I am trying to find every little penny I have. I'm trying to sell my stuff to get money to pay rent. Fuck fuck fuck!

At least I don't have to pay other rent til October 1 (thank goodness). So I have some time.

I don't even buy drugs, fuck, I get most of them just given to me, I'm obviously not going to buy any now!

I can't even do my "job" this week stupid ridiculous arggg!

That's my vent ....

stole it from @socalgirl

Hi, my name is: Sarah

Never in my life have I been: 100% happy

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my man

High school was: I wouldn't know, I barely went. haha

When I'm nervous: I shake

The last time I cried was: a couple days ago

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: no one. i'm dealing with a lot of 1-sided friendships right now, and no one would deserve to be my maid of honor.

My hair is: past my shoulders, layered, light brown with blonde highlights

When I was 10: my family was still a family

Last Christmas: was good.

I should be: looking for a job

When I look down I see: the remote/my cell phone

The happiest recent event was: my court case getting continued again

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: no one. i hate that show.

By this time next year: i hope to be making good money && living on my own.

My current gripe is: fake ass friends.

I have a hard time understanding: how people say they "love" and "care about" someone, but they fail to be there when the person really needs them and/or treat them like total shit.

There's this girl I know that: tries wayyy too hard to be me.

You know I like you when: i want to spend a lot of time with you.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my man

Take my advice: don't ever try heroin.

Something that I really want to buy is: some new clothes/shoes

If you visited the place I was born: you'd see how ghetto it is.

I plan to visit: my mom/my older daughter soon.

If you spend the night at my house: you'd see how damn loud everyone is while you're trying to sleep.

I'd stop my wedding if: i found out he cheated.

The world could do without: hate

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: go back to jail.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: my juicy couture purse

Most recent thing someone else bought me: clothes

My favorite blonde is: my daughter

My favorite brunette is: kim kardashian

My favorite redhead is: my friend regan

My middle name is: Elizabeth (ew.)

This morning I: watched tv with my daughter && boyfriend && ate dunkin donuts.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: humans! haha

Once, at a bar: i sang karaoke

Last night I was: sleeping

There's this guy I know who: ratted me out like a punk bitch && sent me to prison.

I don't know: why i don't go back to dancing && make that $$$

A better name for me would be: ???

Tomorrow I am: going to the methadone clinic && the dentist

Tonight I am: watching jersey shore, keeping up with the kardashians, && jerseylicious

My birthday is: December 3, 1988

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: for my boyfriend to do something romantic. ((i can dream, right?!))

I can sing: somewhat

I like a guy named: Tom

My best friend's name: Tom

View attachment 10208

It hurts me more than anything else to know that I miss you. I hate myself for it. You didn't treat me right. It wasn't all my fault. But I still miss you. I am really concerned about you. I hope nothing bad will happen to you. Last time, because you didn't want to talked to me, I couldn't warn you. I want to tell you everything but you don't want to have to do anything with me.

The hardest thing to do is the right thing to do.

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saw a few posts in TDS vent/rant - and decided to make a Blog...Its big in my life too.

so, DAVE ;-)

i have a Marinol prescription, 5mg, 3x a day. its absolute junk.

its only THC. i would need 65+ mg to start to actual help, and that was before when i wouldnt vomit. Oil is what i hoard now, ~35mg maybe 50 - in 3 oz of Half and Half nuked for 44 seconds is very affective to me.

or, even combusting and smoking a hit at a time it will nab my inflammation, and help with nausea in a great way.

what i think people miss with edibles, and vaporizing is the THCV on-set "rush", but that is only something we become accustomed to, so we get over that eventually.
CBDs, are so so important...
my doctor, PCP, has offered me delivery of MMJ, is going to get info about a Community-Garden -- in my actual area. he has offered a spray version that is to be taken sub-lingually, i have tried and liked, found Topical applications or Epsom Salt infusion very very helpful.

... this is what i do all day, big big differences between Glycerol, Alcohol, and Fat extractions. i ate a 2g edible, very very strong tasting, it was good, $25 good gifted, but it didnt do anything!
i think it was a glycerol extract...i will use a couple of drops of Vanilla extract when using Hash, or a + a bit of butter in the 1/2-1/2 with Hash, havent found a need to with Oil, but this works well on me -- i would of guessed a Fat extr. would not, seeing as how i have Zer0 fat on me.


okay. ill leave it at that, im going to go make an Oil Espresso - talked me into it.
my T1 & T2 vertebrae are PISSED, if it has a notable reaction with this inflammation, ill surely post if so.
___________________________
Edit:
wow i havent done that in a week or so, and already - i just caught myself stretching out rubbing the back of my neck-T1-T2 haha
;-)
that would of been $100 or so in Marinol/Dranibinol...
if it worked for the inflammation, that is....

Since I'm in one of those strange moods.

Like, where you're sort of so overwhelmed and there's just SO MUCH going on, that it almost becomes too much and you don't know what to make of it all? And your mind just sort of shuts off and becomes numb in a way?

Yeah, that's how I feel right now. Probably not the best time for my first blog, since I have so much to say but no way to say it. Each area of my life is a whole blog on it's own. There is no way I could manage to organize all of my thoughts on one blog. In order to sift through the way I'm feeling and actually figure shit out, I'd have to focus on one area at a time and write everything out and then analyze it in minute detail... and I am far too impatient to do that right now. Maybe tomorrow or the next day or even later today, who knows. Maybe if I just do one thing at a time instead of trying to focus on everything at once? Who knows...

Blah it's just everything. School. Career. Finances. Family. Interpersonal relationships. Love (though love lost is more like it). Addiction. Anxiety/PTSD. Myself (I'm 100% content with the way I look and my body for the most part, it's just character flaws I'm thinking of that I want to fix, but don't quite know how.) Shit from my past, I know there are triggers but it's always the most random things and at the most random times. Ugh... just EV.ER.Y.THING.

I'm beyond frustrated right now, I don't even. And at the same time, I don't even know what there is to complain about... I know I have a fresh start in many areas, and could create a fresh start in the rest if I had the means to and I knew how... but it's like I have all these demons haunting me. Holding me back somehow. And the worst part is, is that I know I have SO much more to offer as far as life and personal relationships- both romantic and otherwise - and school and just the world in general, than I'm actually putting in. I know this isn't making sense to whoever might be reading this by the way, but I'm not really worried about that since it's my blog and it makes sense to meand that's all that matters. Plus I wouldn't be capable of organizing my thoughts even if I tried at this point.

Where was I? Right. So I know I have all this shit to offer. And as far as my PTSD/anxiety and the things from my past go and my character flaws and my addiction, I know I have the means to fix it. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT MOVING ALONG. And it's freaking FRUSTRATING. It's like I make progress... and then I just get stuck. I feel like I'm moving forward in certain areas, but it's still not enough... and then in other areas, I feel like I'm just taking ten steps back. Like with my addiction... I mean, I'm currently in treatment... but all the stress I've been under, it's just making it worse. I'm taking more of my xanax than I should, I upped my dose of Suboxone even though I'm not supposed to, and I think I would probably do just about anything at this point for ONE day of an opiate-induced frame of mind. I was always the most productive on opiates. Wasn't always that way... but then shit happened... and suddenly opiates were the only thing that could get me motivated to improve my life. Ironic, eh? Idk I'm just having the worst cravings right now. And a lot of it is just because I want to make some sort of progress. Seriously when I was on opiates, I was on a roll... I was doing great in school, had a wonderful boyfriend, doing great in my career, personal relationships, no anxiety or PTSD or things from my past popping up at random times... everything was almost perfect. What the hell happened to that?

Oh, right. I went on Suboxone and everything turned to shit. THAT'S what happened to that.

I am in no way living up to my full potential. I know this, and yet I just. can't. seem. to fix it. Or like, I just don't even know where to start.

K I have no idea where I'm going with this, my mind is a mess. Maybe I'll write another blog later, just focusing on one area of my life... see if I can put it into perspective and figure out a few ways to make things better... improve them in some way... but I don't quite have the focus to do that at this very moment.

So I guess I'll end this here.

Hah. What a waste of blog space.

'Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America' by Robert Whitaker

It's controversial, shocking and gripping. My library seems to have 7 holds on 2 copies, which means people are taking an interest. Rightly so and about time!

My belief: "mental" illness is psychosocial, not biological. Plastering the "biological" label on it conveniently erases the need to address origins of the problem.

.........

BLAH!! I've had a stomach bug for the last couple of days and I didn't even feel like getting out of bed yesterday. Nothing like what 5600mg of sertraline hcl can do to your stomach though. Aside from flushing me out it left me, at work, inside a bathroom stall watching donald duck and daffy duck get in an arguement on the stall door... I lost that job that night when I waited on a party of 8 that was actually a party of 7, and there were kids in that party. That was 9yrs ago though, and thank God, I don't do stupid stuff like that now...

I had a friend ask me to fix this hard drive I'm on now so I could see if any of his pictures were salvageable. I messed my own hard drive up in the process. I'm ending this blog here just because I can't run windows 7 on this 9yr old computer built for windows xp. It's making it hard to post anything whether it be here on bluelight.ru or facebook or email.

Here's to reinstalling an operating system.......
Echo [o<

I wrote out my story, well not A story, MY life story and all the shit I've been through. I don't like thinking, or talking or writing about it at all so this was a huge step for me. More so that it was written in a public place where anyone can see it is even more huge for me as I have never shared anything about me in whole before.

I am not in the best place right now because of rehashing it but it needed to get out and hopefully it can be worked on and such.

Not much else to do when a psychiatrist is just out to diagnose and not counsel.

I wish I was able to talk with the person from my past to see how she's doing but its like she vanished off the face of this earth. I'm worried she may have killed herself/died. That or she just doesn't want to be found or she got married and her last name has changed or she changed her name or SOMETHING.

*sigh*

Well now my girlfriend took 2 pills for pain the other night and now today she has flu like symptoms. She's not sure if its just the flu or from taking the pills that were from January 2011. I told her that pills not stored correctly and/or held onto for a long while when ingested can cause flu like symptoms, it can cause adverse effects that can also land you in the hospital. We're not sure what's going on right now. I just hope she's better by morning or at least some time tomorrow.

I feel the need to write more but I have nothing else to say. Oh well.

Night all.

Finally got my legit klonopin prescription, and my Medi-Cal covered it. Takes care of a lot of issues. Feeling a lot more comfortable.

I hate that I've gotten so jaded. By friends who were not friends, boyfriends who were not in it for as long as I thought they were or who had other motives, by getting stuck in the legal system and misdiagnosed as mentally ill... by things I've done that other people judge when they have no right to. i used to be a lot more ambitious and always doing things.

Somehow I feel I've given up like my life is supposed to be this boring, useless rut. I am not asking for pity. I hate that I am like this, and I do things to change but then I'm SCARED of them, and I never used to be SCARED. I really think my jail and rehab experiences seriously hindered me a LOT more than I ever thought they would. This is like the only place I can say what I really think and read people who are like me or who get me.

Sad that I'm 34 and this site is my current place to think things out... I've gotten so easy to intimidate, I never was like that, ever. I really hope to get past this.

Into a strange drift once again, that seemingly inexorable descent into bitter, bloody, shit-eating stagnation. Breathe it in, deep down, until any further advances approaching the diaphragm prove painful and joyless. Breathe out the filth and condemnation of a strange dualistic day-to-day, both eternal, transient and horrifying. "May you live in interesting times." I can almost feel a freeze in peristalsis, a gentle tug where the liver should be, and a nagging behind the eyes as though strange larvae with unknown faces propagate a dark and foreign purpose.



This is my good mood. I'm foregoing sleep tonight to preserve it. Off to read for 6 hours, take a brief shower, do a bit of cleaning then brave the heat to find purpose. I'd ask for luck but...

Years before I even dared to seek out wisdom of the mushroom I knew that, by studying mind, ego and self [the same 'thing'], the only way to understanding anything and find happiness was to understand myself.

Without a basic understanding of self the first steps into the psychedelic inner realm often leads to intens confusion and continued re-living of a single thought and action [thoughtloops].

Our inner monologue is an ongoing stream of words and ideas that just keeps on going and going, seemingly without end. Some people think in images and not words, but for most of us the inner monologue starts when we wake up and ends when we fall asleep.

As we learn to observe thoughts and how we act upon them, we start to see how in essence we exist as a person, as an individual, in our thoughtprocesses, then you may start to realise that all we are, are these thoughtprocesses.

If we are our thoughts, and if our thoughts are all we are, how then is it possible for us to observe these thoughts? How can we be one thing when there's awareness of that thing separate from it?

This is where it gets interesting.

From the point of view of a person that is stuck in a thoughtloop there is no escaping the loop, yet somehow this person is aware of the fact that it's happening and starts feeling like he or she is losing sanity. That can only happen if there's awareness of what is happening separate from the person experiencing thoughtloops.

If you go on a trip with this knowledge, and if through meditation you've experienced this awareness, whenever a thoughtloop occurs one simply withdraws attention from the loop and steps back [as it were] to observe the loop. By withdrawing from the loop you stop feeding it and the loop will run it's course, and end.

Thoughtloops happen. It is part of the psychedelic experience, and I too experience them once in a while. The wonderful lesson you can learn from these loops however is this ability to step back, observe and watch thought[loops] end.

The gift of a quiet mind.

I don't have a "real" job but in my kinda job (freelance work?) I have to deal with the worst customers who expect me to do stupid things that I shouldn't have to do. ARG!

This guy was being so freaking annoying today and demanding all sorts of things from me and I was uuuurrrgggg at him.

I finally get away and he sends me all these messages, where did you go. I left you because you're freaking annoying.

I can't write much because I can't explain details of my job but STILL ... I deal with the worst customers!!!

Not that I enjoy fighting with my gal but in the end I think it made us closer and her with more of a realization that this isn't just a relationship with me at this point. We're past the whole, just dating me part. This is to the point of she needs to realize that the kids are involved in all this. My kids completely adore her and my son loves her to death though he will never admit it....he's a 6yr old boy....go figure LOL
Emotions were high, I got frustrated and hurt, things were said but because we're us.....neither of us went to bed mad or upset or hurt.
Things are pretty good right now and i hope they continue getting better.
I told her about why Austin is Austin, which was hard of course, but we pulled through it all.

The one thing about partners who are both good at 1 line comebacks and zingers. We don't always realize who they're aimed at. It really proves that one should think before they speak.

Well, Apparently no one wants to answer the phone and nothing much else to say, so.....

Thank god our date is coming up -- we need a nice night.