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What a beautiful face, what a wonderful smile, oh - what a glorious soul, oh- what a wonderful love....oh baby you're the one for me, you're perfect in my eyes, you're the fire that lights my soul, the strength that keeps me going on. Oh, yeah baby, I hope this lasts forever...

As society advances, humans start needing technology to survive only because we've molded our culture to be that way. It's a bit like survival of the fittest - whoever has the most toys and most advanced technologies are today's idols, the most popular kids in school, the most cutting-edge and trendy, whatever... you get the point. They've evolved into the Alphas of our culture.

Think about it - who has the most advanced technology than anyone in this world? The world's leaders do, of course. And you don't get much more "Alpha" than the President of the United States, the militaries, the dictators, and the royalties in this world. Each country's leader employs themselves and their military with the best technology available. The next step below them are the celebrities, CEO's, and other high-ranking members of society. They don't have the best technologies available per se, but they do have more advanced technology than what is available to the general public. Customized security systems, the latest phones or iWhatevers. Next on the social ladder we have the Upper Class. Not quite the best technology, but the best that's available to the "little" people - definitely the trendiest. Right below them we have the middle class and working class. The middle class might not have the trendiest of everything right away, but you can be sure it will find it's way into those households a few months to a year later when it falls into their price range. They usually own houses and have basic security systems - fire alarm, burglar alarms, etc. Then you have the working class, then the poor. I'm sure you know what I'm getting at.

In short, the lower you go down the ladder, the less technology becomes available to you.

And those countries, cultures, and even people who aren't technologically advanced, or at least advancing? They're hardly on our radar, if at all. I believe the last tribe of some sort of primitive language died recently. Internet, phones, and social networking have become our prime means of communicating. And when you cut off those, you also severely cut off all of your interaction with most of the people around you. People need recognition and outside connection to survive. If they can't adapt and keep up with their surroundings, they can't get that... and so they die out, one by one. It all comes back to Darwinism. Survival of the fittest.

So I was looking at some pictures of my family and I ran across some of my Grandma. She was a very special lady and I miss her a lot. When I was growing up I lived just a mile down the street so I always saw her. I t was also a good thing she lived close because I would get kicked out of the house by my mother (she was bipolar and kind of did crazy shit sometimes). So my Grandma raised me, just as much, if not more than my parents. She also always told me I was her favorite grandchild. I thought she told all 20 of us grandchildren until I went to the funeral and my older cousins told me how my Grandma told everyone I was her favorite. I have a lot of regrets. I wish my grandmother was able to see me sober. She probably never did, only when I was growing up. There is also a lot I want to tell her. I want to tell her how much she meant to me. How much I love her. How much she made me such a good man to woman. I believe in respecting womanhood. They should be loved and respected, never hurt them and give them tons and tons of love. This is about all can write right now, I miss her too much.

CONFESSIONS SURVEY

Do you love you ex?:
Yes

What did you last cry over?:
My dog dying

What's the last mistake you made?:
Went to jail

Who was the last person you said I love you to?:
My dog

Who last slept in your bed?:
my dog

Were you with them?:
yes

Where do you want to be?:
in love

Who do you want to be with?:
someone I\'m in love with

Do you honestly love your friends?:
some of them

Who can always make you happy?:
no one

Who do you love to talk to the most?:
no one

Who hates you?:
I dunno

Who do you hate?:
my stalker

What are you doing right now?:
drugs

What are you talents?:
singing, writng, modeling, photography

How often do you cry?:
not as much as I used to

What did you do last night?:
internet

Would you ever go back out with an ex?:
yes

Have you ever used a condom?:
yes

Are you a virgin?:
no

Is your boyfriend/Girlfriend a virgin?:
N/A

What's the last movie you watched?:
Chicago

Ever been in true love?:
Yes

Ever smoked?:
No

Done drugs?:
Yes

Gotten high?:
Yes

Ever gone running?:
Yes

How much do you weigh?:
119

How tall are you?:
5\'5\"

Gone skinny dipping?:
yes

Played strip poker?:
no

Gone streaking?:
no

Given a lap dance?:
yes

Made-out?:
yes

Rolled on the ground w/ the opposite sex?:
yes

Bungie Jumped?:
no

Sang Kareokee?:
yes

Been wet with your clothes on?:
yes

Seen the opposite sex naked?:
yes

Made fun of a fat person?:
yes

Laughed at somone?:
yes

Looked at someone funny?:
yes

have you had
?

Been touched by the same sex?:
yes

Ever been Horney?:
yes

Looked at porn?:
yes

Own any thongs?:
yes

Touched a genital of the other sex?:
yes

Thought about sex?:
yes

Had a
?

Favorite animal?:
dog

Least favorite animal?:
N/A

Most missed Memory?:
My ex

http://www.funsurveys.net/view-survey.php?id=406

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? yeah, i prefer to avoid it in the future
2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? yes. and i hold my breath. its not really a really good combo
3. When's the last time you've been sledding? thanksgiving in seattle
4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? alone. i am a bed hog
5. Do you believe in ghosts? nope
6. Do you consider yourself creative? not in the slightest
7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? never cared enough to pay attention to the facts
8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? aniston
9. Do you stay friends with your ex's? never really had one
10. Do you know how to play poker? yup
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? maybe? tho i am pretty sure i need baby naps once in awhile
12. What's your favorite commercial? i skip them
13. What are you allergic to? horses and penicillin
14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights? no, i am pretty law abiding not matter what
15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco? they are yucky
16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? cleve indians
17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? many times
18. How often do you remember your dreams? rather often
19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? in college?
20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? yes
21. What's the one thing on your mind now? sleeping
22. Do you believe in love at first sight? nope.
23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner? i brine thing in salt and several other spices. then its wrapped in bacon...
24. Do you always wear your seat belt? more or less
25. What cell service do you use? sprint
26. Do you like sushi? yummy!
27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? prolly
28. What do you wear to bed? pajama pants and tshirt
29. Been caught stealing? no, i am rather well behaved
30. Do you pee in the pool? maybe when i was little
31. Do you truly hate anyone? yes
32. Bluegrass or Rap? usually bluegrass
33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? trent resnor of NIN
34. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole? almond milk
35. What food do you find disgusting? most cheese unless it is served with something else
36. Windows or Macintosh? ubuntu
37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" i like the game "never ever have i ever..."
38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? i try not to
39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? many times
40. Have you ever sung in-front of the mirror? nope

1. First of all, r u a guy or a girl? girl
2. what is your sexual organ's name? i don't have one actually
3. do you masturbate? yes
4. how many times per day do u masturbate? once? its not really a daily thing
5. per week? a couple times. i don't really keep track.
6. do you fantasize while you masturbate? yeah, otherwise it wouldn't really do anything
7. if so, what do you fantasize about? bdsm related stuff mostly
8. do you use sex toys while masturbating? not usually.
9. do you use lubricants of anykind (handlotion, spit, etc.)? don't really need it since i am girl
15. do you watch porn or look at pornographic content? yuppers
16. do you get wet? well yeah, there would not really be a point to masturbate if i wasn't turned on
17. does it feel better before, during, or after you orgasm? umm, during and after? if i felt better before why would i bother with doing anything in the first place
18. do you make noises? no when i masturbate
19. if so, how loud? i am rather quiet
20. do you do it home alone or with other people in the house? generally alone
21. have you ever been caught doing it? actually no.
22. have you ever done it in front of someone of the opposite sex? yes
23. have you ever done it in front of someone of the same sex? nope

girls only

29. do you rub your boobies while you do it? not usually
30. how long do your orgasms last? they are kinda quick but the afterglow is nice
31. how long does it take to reach an orgasm? around 10 min
32. do you keep going after you reach orgasm? sometimes.
33. whats the longest youve ever done it? uh, an hour maybe? i tend to get bored

PART TWO!


1. If you had a choice as to how often you would have sex, how often would it be? i pretty much have sex when i want
2. Do you masturbate? i think that was covered above
3. Have you ever masturbated for your partner while they sat and watched? yes
4. Have you ever wanted to watch your partner masturbate? yup
5. Have you ever had a partner masturbate for you while you sat and watched? yes
6. When do you like to watch pornography? i like some porn, like the stuff on kink.com... i like soft core porn you see on cinemax cause it makes me giggle... normal porn bores me tho
7. Have you ever used sex toys? yes. plenty of them
8. Have you ever stripped for your partner? yes. i've done it in strip club too (i wasn't working there either)
9. Have you ever video taped yourself having sex? yes. it prolly shouldn't have been labelled ______ sex cause my husband's roommate found it once
10. What type of picture would you prefer to take for your partner? i take all kinds of pics
11. Have you ever had sex with more than one partner in the same day? nope
12. Do you like to receive oral sex? actually no. i find it boring
14. Do you like to give oral sex? on occasion. i like to bite, that does not go well
15. Would you let your partner cum in your face? doesn't bother me at all
16. Have you ever let your partner cum in your mouth? again, i have no issue with it
17. Have you ever swallowed his/her cum? yup. its easier clean up
21. While having sex, would you like having your partner stick his/her finger in your ass? if he wanted to
23. Would you let your partner toss your salad (eat your ass out)? if he wanted to. i prolly would not get much from it tho
25. Have you ever played fantasy with your partner? what an oddly worded question, yes
26. Have you or your partner ever pretended to be a vampire? lol, nope
27. Have you or your partner ever cross dressed and had sex? crossdressed - yes... sex while dressed like a boy - no
28. Have you or your partner ever shaved off all your pubic hair? i wax
29. How do you prefer your partner's pubic hair? well trimmed
30. Have you or your partner ever involved a fruit or vegetable in sex? no, i like to eat food
31. Have you ever had phone sex? yup
38. Have you ever had a one night stand? nope. and what happened to 32-37?
39. Have you ever had sex on the first date? nope. but i have been with my husband since high school
40. Have you ever had sex in public? yes, its rather fun
41. Have you ever given your partner your underwear as a souvenir? no, i find that strange
42. Have you ever kept your partner's underwear as a souvenir? no
43. Which pair of underwear would you give him/her? none
44. Have you ever had a threesome? no but i think it would be fun
45. What kind of threesome would you prefer? does not matter to me
48. Have you ever had sex in the same room with another couple who was also having sex? yeah, that is what happens when you share hotel rooms
49. Have you ever switched partners while having sex? nope
51. Do you like to be spanked? yup
52. How do you like to be spanked? hard?
53. Do you like spanking your partner? yeah
54. Do you like having your hair pulled by your partner? yeah
55. Do you like to pull your partner's hair during sex? his hair is too short
58. Have you ever done a heavy sadomasochistic (S&M) session with your partner? yeah
59. Have you ever played in a public dungeon with your partner? yeah, altho i went a friend not my husband
60. Do you crave being in control of or being controlled by your partner? i like to switch


PART THREE!
1. Are you in love? yuppers
2. Have you ever been in love? well yeah
3. Are you sexually active? yeah
5. How well do love and sex go together? rather well
6. Would you ever give or receive oral sex in a random hookup? if i randomly hooked up with someone i suppose i would
7. Do you even do random hookups? nope
11. Do you believe in waiting till you are married to have sex? no, i think it puts too much pressure on the wedding night if you wait
14. Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? yeah
15. Has anyone ever used a pickup line on you? the best was when someone started throwing popcorn at me because "i was too hot to hit on"
16. Do you like bad boys? yup
17. What's your favourite toy(s) if you use them? does bondage tape count? i like it because it has lots of different uses
18. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? prolly, i don't remember
19. Ever been hit on by a teacher? i don't think so
20. Do you joke about sex a lot? i have a pretty dirty mind and i like to make comments that sound sexual
21. Can you relate anything to sex? i am sure i could if i tried
22. When was the last time you got some? a few days ago
23. Is there someone you're longing to be with, right this very second? i miss my friends on ohio and seattle, but i don't want to sleep with any of them
24. So what's your ideal romantic date? i like steak. a lot.
25. If you liked someone who asked you out, but that person didn't believe in sex before marriage, would you forget about them? i am married. but if i liked the person, i don't think i would care
26. Does someone's social status/reputation have an effect on whether you would say yes or no if they asked you out? not in the slightest
27. Would you date someone who would be likely to get you in trouble? i am pretty sure that would be my husband
28. Do you seek excitement in your love life? well yes
32. Ever walk in on your parents having sex? no, my parents actually sleep in separate rooms/houses
33. Do you carry condoms even if you never end up using them? nope, i have no need for them

I haven't been smoking a lot lately, restrictions on certain things ya know?

Me and my room mate had a bass war with the neighbor today. Its a long story, but basically, he comes out belligerent. Fuck this, fuck that. Was epic.

Damn i am still having trouble typing in the dark. Im drunk roo.

Anbyways, the neighbor was all like bangin on our door like she was tha police. Shes abusing us, One time the bass was BAREKLY up.

We won today. after my room mate got done arguing with t hem he was like "piss off!" and started punching the wall. The cops showed up later and started asking him a lot of questions "whats your birthday" and he was like "I dont feel comfortbale telling you that, I wanna make a complaint"

"yeah im drunk!!"

shit, its our house, were not oin publice, fuck off

I wpin%)%)

[ edit : so stoned, underground hiphop + weed = zen ]%)

Sometimes I get sick of dealing with drugs and illness and family and lack of money and loneliness... so I take a bunch of dumb surveys and post them on my sites and love it. Sometimes others like taking them too. So I might bore you, but I might not. here's a pretty simple one.


1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

Yes



2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?

Yes



3. When's the last time you've been sledding?

Never



4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

Hopefully with someone I want to be with.



5. Do you believe in ghosts?

Maybe.



6. Do you consider yourself creative?

Yes.



7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

Yes.



8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?

Aniston.



9. Do you stay friends with your ex's?

Yes.



10. Do you know how to play poker?

Nope.



11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

Yup.



12. What's your favorite commercial?

The flash mob cell phone commercial.



13. What are you allergic to?

Cashews and pistachios



14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?

NO.



15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco?

Yes.



16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

Sox.



17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?

Yes.



18. How often do you remember your dreams?

Always.



19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

Years ago.



20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?

No but I know them.



21. What's the one thing on your mind now?

Being bored.



22. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sorta.



23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner?

No.



24. Do you always wear your seat belt?

Yes.



25. What cell service do you use?

Boost Mobile.



26. Do you like sushi?

YES.



27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?

YES.



28. What do you wear to bed?

Sweats.



29. Been caught stealing?

No.



30. Do you pee in the pool?

No.



31. Do you truly hate anyone?

Yes.



32. Bluegrass or Rap?

Bluegrass.



33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

I can't even sleep with anyone now.



34. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole?

2%



35. What food do you find disgusting?

Chinese tripe.



36. Windows or Macintosh?

Windows.



37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"

I'm sure I did.



38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

Sometimes.



39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

Yes.



40. Have you ever sung in-front of the mirror?

Always.

Joysa, as I have noted, comes from a very poor family. Her father delivers fish food to off shore fish farms in a motorised skiff but is only getting one day of work a week now. Her only sibling, a brother 21 years old, refuses to work. Her mother, obese, has never worked a day in her life. She got pregnant at 14 and ran away with Joysa's father, Joey. Her father's family are salt of the earth. Typical peasant stock with her paternal grandparents still living in a nipa, as the one room bamboo framed and palm leaf thatched huts are known. Her maternal family though? Her grandfather, an ethnic Kapampangan died before Joysa was born but her grandmother is alive and kicking. The old lady is a gambling addict and is, in local parlance, "moneyhungry."

When her grandmother found about me it was like a cash register ringing up a sale, Cha-Ching! The old windbag lives with 2 of her daughters in Angeles City, one of the most disgusting cities in Southeast Asia. Until the early 1990s the biggest American military base outside of the United States was a few kilometers from Angeles, Clark Airbase, with Subic Bay, the American Navy base an hour away. Angeles became a modern day Sodom and Gommorah where a 5 Dollar Bill bought you a blowjob from a nubile 15 year old while her mother performed a live sex act with household pets and assorted kitchen utensils.

Mark this as yet another huge difference between American and Israeli Military Cultures. In Israel we are a citizen's army, everybody serves. Therefore serving in the Israeli Defense Forces is much like living in one's hometown. Noone goes crazy, going to titty bars and getting into drunken brawls. Americans though? The bases closed nearly 20 years ago and only now the last of the huge orphanges that dealt with the Ameriasian offal that the Yanks left behind is ready to close its doors. Still, all over Angeles one sees a melange of different races thanks to dear old Uncle Sam and its wink-wink look the other way laissez faire attitude towards drunken carousing and liberal sexual mores, as long as its heterosexual anyway.

After the Americans were booted (they didn't leave voluntarily though the eruption of Mount Pinatubo did hasten their departure) many thought that Angeles would fold. To the contrary it became the number one Sexual Tourism destination worldwide. Until now I refuse to fly into Clark Airport, part of the airfield having been converted into an international airport. The thought of being chatted up by lecherous senior citizens from Wales or Switzerland simply makes me want to vomit.

I mean, I am not a puritan by any means, having fathered 7 children by 4 different women, but I at least like to imagine that my sexual partner is actually attracted to me. These Western men, obese, balding and very sweaty are bedding gorgeous 20 year olds for the cost of a dinner at McDonalds. While the girl is making a pretty penny by Filipino standards she surely isn't thinking of that wrinkled organ splayed across her face. Perhaps she is imagining her younger siblings being able to eat two meals a day instead of just one. Perhaps she is caught up in revelry of the moment imagining how good she will feel when her father is finally able to buy blood pressure medication. Whatever she is feeling though, it has nothing to do with the Western man in front of her.

Joysa's own aunt had gone to Japan as a 19 year old to work as an "Entertainer." Of course the only thing she entertained were one eyed wiggly worms but hey, it is still entertainment, right? Filipinos, even in the cyber age are incredibly naïve and gullible people. This isn't a dig at them, I find those attributes endearing most of the time. However...take Joysa for example; as most Filipinos do she had dreamed of working overseas in order to help her parents. Working since graduating from high school she was able to obtain her passport and began going to the hundreds of agencies that specialise in exporting Filipino labour. She and her girlfriend had decided Japan was the place for them. Despite Japan raping the nation in WWII Filipinos today hold Japan, its culture, and to a lesser extent its people in very high esteem. Most agencies specialising in Japan only deal with women who are sent to work as..."Entertainers." Joysa, like so many Filipinas asked what that job description would entail. The answer? Singling and dancing, like a chorus girl. When Joysa's aunt, who herself had done that very same job, discovered Joysa's intention she slapped her and called her a stupid little girl.

Joysa couldn't understand then but had surmised afterwards that her aunt had suffered greatly. I asked Joysa, after learning about this, if she had any training or relevant experience in singing or dancing, of course she hadn't. Had she had any theater experience? Of course not. So I asked her, genuinely curious, why in the world she had imagined that they would hire her as a chorus girl when she had absolutely no experience. She looked uncomfortable. I asked her, did the agency have you audition? Sing even a few lines? She offered that she had been young and stupid. I corrected her, young but not stupid at all. Her government co-operates in whoring its own youth. People like her aunt never discuss their actual experiences. All people see is a girl returning from Japan with enough money to build a real house and start a business having put their younger siblings through school. There is nothing stupid about wanting to be successful.

After she told me of another experience. A few classmates from high school had taken jobs in Malaysia, supposedly to work as maids in a Kuala Lampur hotel. Joysa had been invited to go but declined because she had just landed her current job, which by Philippine standards is somewhat desirable. Upon arrival in Malaysia the "supervisor" took all her friend's identification including her passport. She was then taking to her "living quarters," a dingy cellar in a non-descript slum. On her first night there, mere hours after landing, she was ordered to service a customer. The girl had never had a boyfriend and certainly didn't sign up to be a whore. The "owner" decided she needed to be educated and so he had three of his stand over men gang rape her. She told this to Joysa after breaking down under Joysa's repetitive questions about her "job duties," Joysa was obviously still considering going overseas. The classmate worked 3 years without a single day off in order to earn her "purchase price" and therefore the option to leave. She had a brother wire her airfare home and the Immigration fees since she had long overstayed her visa.

At that point Joysa fully understood why her aunt had reacted the way that she did. Today the aunt lives in Angeles. She is supported as the mistress of a middle class Japanese man in his 70s. Her "patron" lives in Tokyo and visits perhaps once every two years and yet he pays her bills and provides for all her needs. Joysa's grandmother, the mother of this woman, sees this as a great thing. This is the Angeles City mindset.

This is one of the few, rare times I actually had the motivation to write. Since this IS a blog and not other forum posting, it pisses me off that both BL and yahoo limit the amount I can write and I spend the time only to for this dumb ass message saying my post is too long. BL and Yahoo at one time were NOT imposing a limit as to how long or shrt a post we can write in our journal. WTF? So what? Its MY journal and no one has to read it, nor am I trying to impose long ass posts that are the regular forums. This is a main reason I dont bother blogging anymore. Since Im limited to a Galaxy Tab,which is cool, but trying to cut it so I can continue it in parts is almost impossible, because unlike a regular PC where its easy to use a mouse to cut a post and paste other parts to new posts, I cant highlight all thetext I want without the screen getting bigger or smaller, the screen rolls with my touching it, I finally said fuck it and gave up. I will have to use an email draft on my yahoo mail acct just to keep a copy of this fucking blog. Its been bugging me a long time, I just never said anything. I wish BL would let us have blogs as long or short as we like, the way it had ben before these damn upgrades.

Last night I lay in bed pondering the ways in which we make life so much harder for ourselves than necessary by maintaining and believing negative beliefs and thought-processes about ourselves.

I'm a financially responsible person, own a house, have a job, I have a few dear friends, I'm healthy and still, despite having built a life for myself that's far from terrible, there's this tendency to dismiss all of that because of.. what exactly?

Sometimes I'm lonely, sometimes I'm too passive and sometimes I wish I was able to socialize more, but true as that may be why then do I allow myself to be brought down by this if by any standard I lead a good life?

Why am I harder on myself than I'd be on someone else in a similar situation?

The answer eluded me. Perhaps it's to do with the nature of negativity, that this nature seems to draw attention to itself away from positivity. If that's all it is; just because water flows downstream, then it's should be quite "easy" to stay aware of this mechanism and, instead of floating along in a downward spiral, I'd talk to myself like I'd talk to someone else with similar issues; with understanding and compassion.

And so I did. And it worked. All it takes to break away from a negative self image is to be excellent to yourself.

Ofcourse I realise that there are people with issues that aren't that easily resolved, but to be excellent to yourself ís a first step to accepting yourself as you are, and if you still have a lot of ground to cover in that area, why not start here?

Start being excellent to yourself.

I am getting myself off the Oxy's for good. I took my last dose at 8am (15 min ago, and 15mg) and am starting this journal to write down my thoughts, or to just vent.

My habit was as follows. I started end of July. I was taking about 15-30mg a day. Around Aug 15th I started taking from 30-60mg a day. Last week I went 3 full days without taking any at all. Wasnt too sick, and thought I was better, but I ended up giving in and doing the rest of the ones i had, which I just finished 15 min ago.

I don tthink I will get too sick, but I need this mainly for mental purposes. To keep my head straight. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment, chime in, or whatever.

Yesterday evening was great. Got some supplies at the hydroponics store down the street. Then my friends and I went on a hike as soon as it cooled down outside. Hikes are great, there's nothing like getting to the top of the mountain, feeling pretty accomplished, and then smoking a bowl. I picked up some Chemist a few days ago at the dispensary, very strong Sativa high. At the base of the mountain there's a bunch of houses and from the top of the mountain we saw a bunch of cops driving through the area (cops are assholes here, they'll do whatever they can to get money from you). Then they started shining their lights around. What are a police officers morale's? Seems like they're always up to no good. Anyways after the Top O' the Mountain session, we proceeded down. And when we got to the bottom we didn't see any cops at all. What the hell were they up to? No good no doubt. So anyways we all parted ways and headed to our homes. When I got home I rewarded myself with a warm shower, a few beers, and a personal vapor session. I'm sure my sprouts will love the supplements I got them. I love plants so much ha-ha.
It's beautiful outside today, not to hot, but the suns out. I usually only smoke after 5pm (try to keep my tolerance down, i like to get very high when i smoke at night). This morning I couldn't resist. I pulled out my vaporizer and plugged it into the outlet on my porch. I think I have the best condominium in my community. My porch and windows look out onto a little park with a bench near a road, everyone else has a porch that looks onto other peoples houses or porches. Well so I had everything ready, except the coffee, while the vape was warming up I made myself a cup of joe. I had my morning session and way more baked than I anticipated ha-ha. I felt so good though, I've had a great week so far and I'll be finishing my economics class today and taking the final tomorrow, and then on to world literature and physics. I'm pretty excited. Guess I'm going to make some breakfast and get started on econ. It's going to be a good day I can feel it in my bones.[/IMG] my babies

I'm not sure how many of you have needy friends but I have a couple and sometimes they just drive me up the wall!

My one "friend" hasn't messaged me for a few weeks (we live in different cities now, done college together) and tells me how she broke up with her bf, she likes another guy, bla bla bla. Okay cool, whatever. But then she keeps wanting to call me. I don't want her to because I usually have other things going on in my life, like I'm doing work, doing projects, whatever, but I don't mind texting but calling is annoying, lol.

She's always like "oh you're such a good friend" cuz I do listen to her and stuff. But she won't listen to my advice, which I swear is right. And she freaks out if the guy doesn't call her back exactly at 9 pm if that's when he said he would. I have to listen to her for 10 mins before he calls, urg!

I totally couldn't date a needy person. My bf has a friend who is needy too and it drives him (and me, lol) up the wall. I love that my bf is not needy. I'm not *usually* needy either. I might have like once a month where I am needy to my bf only but he says it isn't bad really. Just I get worried about something or whatever. But not too bad.

My bf and I were laughing the other day about how we knew so many needy people!

I know that these people have other things going on in their lives. Like maybe they are insecure, jealous, bad childhood, mental or emotional disorders, oh who knows what. And I'm usually nice to them, but stilllll it can be annoying

Woke up a few times through out the night but when i finally got up i felt pretty good felt a bit more grounded. Benzo withdrawal is crazy sometimes i feel up sometimes i feel down, and sometimes i feel totally disconnected and lost, but i guess it something i am going to have to deal with for a while. All ready been eight months but it feels like a million years. Like being stuck in a busted elevator waiting for the maintenance guy to fish you out. The only thing i think now is to move forward. There is only forward.
Hopefully today i can get some music playing in that always makes me feel good.

I know it's best she has her own place as to not rush anything, we need to take it slow and easy but after having her here living with me in my home for a month, I really miss her being here. Though the kiddo is here, I still feel quite alone.

I had the chance to have her move in with me and I myself made the choice to take it slow, which in my head I know is right but everything else is screaming for her to come back.

It's stupid, she lives down the street from me, a 10 minute walk at most.

When you're engulfed in the person that you are so deeply in love with and is a part of your world, it's hard to let them go....even such a little distance.

We both were like, it's almost like we lived together and now she's leaving. She's not leaving, just in her own space but its still hard for me.

I'm insecure and paranoid, not that she'll cheat, I know she won't but in my head I'm thinking what if she enjoys being alone a little too much. What if she slowly stops coming around until I just don't see her anymore. Completely ridiculous but.... yeah its me.

I miss the company and conversation and since she's not online a lot, its hard, more so when I know she's so close. I can't even go see her. She lives in a student res and my kid is sleeping and even if not, he's too hyper for such a quiet house.

I'll be seeing her tomorrow but she's been sleeping with me in my bed all cuddled up to me for a month now. Now its only me in bed

When she first got the place earlier in the week she was like "Lets see how long we last before we need to be together all the time again".

I barely made it 5 minutes. I'm pathetic LOL

I guess i will have to deal with it, for at least till after Christmas. She said we'll talk about it in a year again but that's next August!

I dunno..... *sigh*

I just miss her a lot.

this thread is not to give ppl got ideas! but harm reduction and tips!
inckuding how to avoid addiction and tolerance


WARNING ON DEPRESSANT POLY DRUG USE, AND JUST POLY DRUGGING IN GENERAL!:
THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS, SO DONT DO THIS!! UNLESS YOU KNOW YOUR TOLERANCE REALLY WELL TO EACH DRUG
AND THEN ALLWAYS DOSE LOW, THE DRUGS SYNERGIES AND BOOST EACH OTHER, ALL WILL SURPICE YOU!
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if i dont mix with something. (and no its not tolerance
ive tried upping my dose 20%/50%/70% with out any diffenrence exept for side effects
(ie nausia, discomfort, sometimes throw up even after several days of sub, and even tho i puke im not high?
antihistamines work, but im still not high, maybe a little more sedated depending on the antihistamine)
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1). with benzo's more is less (unless trying to get high or knocked the feck out
(meaning dont take more then needed.)

2).

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Hi everyone i am new to this site but i need some help feeling very lonely dealing with this hole thing was woundering if anyone could point me in the right direction. Ill give you some of my story. So this has been the longest 8 months of my life. I never was prescribed benzos but i did take them for about a year. Only a couple months spans where i took them everyday but it was heavy use during the months i used everyday. I used other drugs during my life mostly pot. Did acid and ecstasy i bit much, but never really suffered from any side effect from that or the pot. But the Benzos Valiums is what i was taking later in my drug used seemed after a while of use made me more anxious and caused me to have a panic attack when i did used them. Didn't find out about that till one week i decided i was becoming to lazy and tired from these pill so i didn't take them. This was after about a half a year of using benzos maybe a four month span of everyday and heavy use when along with that too. About 2 days later i came home from my job rolled up a joint got half way through it when i realized holy hell i am really high and this is only some mids. Then i had the first panic attack of my life. It was the most scariest thing every i didn't no what to do. I just felt like i was dieing. I couldn't stop shaking and thinking about the most insane things. At first i thought maybe i was having an acid flash back but it was so evil, and i never had a bad trip from acid. After the attack was over i still wasn't totally sure about what it was i thought maybe i was doing to many drugs and my brain needed a rest. I gave it a brake with every. Still smoked pot but that was it. I seemed to be fine had about 2 week of on off crazy panic attacks but they went away. After that i was just anxious all the time ready to snap at anytime. After a month or so i ended up using the Valiums again and more often. Also got back into taking acid on the weekends but i had to take a Valium before i was starting to notice the reason for my anxiety now. One morning i woke i did not feel normal this continued on and on. Till weeks later i realized when i took a Valium i felt better. Well i always stayed away from a addictive drugs. Would touch opiates, coke, heroin. Nothing like that i liked my pot and the occasional acid trip. Now i realized i was a addicted to these pills. I stopped doing all drugs, drink and smoking pot. I didn't no to the extent as to how bad these pills were. I never tapered off I never read up on anything, and from that point on (January 2011)to now i have not been myself. From January till mid April it was like one big panic attack that i thought would never end. I could even get out of bed. I thought i was dead. I would wake from sleeping out of breath thinking i was still dreaming. The list of things goes on and on and on. Finally after April the panic attack became more under control, but my anxiety was through the roof. My mind was constantly going thinking of the most crazy stuff. The doctor put my on Zoloft an anti-depressant witch made things worse i started hallucinating, constant tunnel vision. I felt like i was stuck in the acid trip from hell, and every time i went to the doctor they just increased the Zoloft. I was up to 200mg. Finally i said that enough. I tapered off on the Zoloft still dealing with the crazy withdrawals from the Valium witch made life even more hell, because now i was i was very depressed. I thought about killing myself everyday. every second of the day, but still i waited. Just like when your having a bad trip on psychedelics you wait and it will pass. Well that even drove me nuts. So basically i learned to live with this terrible thing that was going on inside my brain. Now things are calming down i got my anxiety under control only as of a month or so ago. I started doing research on these pills and wow they are so bad. If i would have none i wouldn't of gotten myself into this. I am pretty sure i am suffering tremulously from what they call depersonalization. I live in this foggy dream state now, and i forget who i am and what i am doing all the time. I think things are coming back but very slow, and at the same time i am not that sure. One of my question is if i didn't taper off on the Valium will i ever feel the same again will those parts of my brain turn back on. I feel like this will never end i am going to be stuck like this and its so frustrating. I have been dealing with this for 8 months. If anyone can give me some advise please do.

....And I don't mean I just went to sleep, but the real deal; stopped breathing; turned purple and blue on several occasions. I vomited on myself and pissed myself. I screamed and moaned in pain as my muscle convulsed and tried to free themselves through my skin. I 'fish tailed' and flopped around as my lungs grasped for air that never made it in.

"Are you alright?" "mmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!" "Do you know where you are?" "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Can you talk?" No. My tongue was too busy retracting into my throat. "You're in the hospital..you'll be alright" Oh. Fuck. How the hell did that happen!?


My last recollection was doing a large line of MDMA and taking *A* cap of G and dancing with my friends. Albeit, I had been drinking all day; I do not think that the drug combination I had made would land me 1. unconscious and 2. in the hospital.


Apparently, there was a bottle of GHB on the dinning table - in liquid form - in a "Smart Water" bottle. There was nothing smart about this water. As it was G in it's purest raw form - and me - being drunk and buzzed thought it was actual water and took a HUGE GULP of it!

Immediately afterward I retired to the couch - passed out - cold. My breathing got so slow to the point of it stopping. I started to turn different colors as my friends would try to 'bring me back to life.' The executive decision to take me to the hospital was made. My muscle were of their own mind. Each would twitch out of accord; muscles you never even knew you had made their daunting presence known.

En route to the hospital I began vomiting and pissed myself. I had control over nothing - not one thing in my body was mine.

I used to think I was invincible; that I could ingest ANY drug combination and be a soldier; a survivor. 20 hits of acid? Bring it! 8 XTC pills? That's kids stuff; I need at least 12 triple stacks to get me started! A ball of coc? Ha. Lets get a ball of meth instead!

But, now, after this incident, I feel like the fragile little 29 year old girl I am. I am totally humbled by this experience and highly suggest that however many drugs you or someone you know takes; you must limit yourself no matter how 'invincible' you may think you are or how high your drug tolerance is.

Over doing it will under do you.

WOW. I noticed this before I signed up for BL but now that I'm active on here I keep seeing this more and more...

For a site that has a lot to do with drugs, people are SO judgmental. It blows my mind how rude some people are... WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME WHEN YOU'RE DOING THE SAME SHIT???? I just don't get it. To call me a bad parent because I took a picture of myself and my daughter walked into the background?? I was NOT naked, I had a tank top on and panties. She's 18 months old you idiot. It's just really annoying because people are so ignorant and they have no idea who I am or what I do on a daily basis.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am an AMAZING mother. I put my daughters way before myself or anyone else, I go without so that they can have everything they need (and want), I spend all day every day with them and do anything I possibly can to help make their lives better.

Keep your dumbass, ignorant opinions to yourself next time. kthnx

So I am flying to CA in two days. My family paid my nephew's education money to send me to this program. It's costing 24K.........they put 14K to get me there ASAP. They said its hard to know that I am losing myself and my life when I have so potential. They said it hurts so much to see me losing weight and look like I am dying. They said they won't witness my death. They said if I agree to go, I can do whatever I want after that as long as I am okay. I am going there for prescription drug addiction, relationship addiction and an eating disorder which I kept a good secret for over 2 years now. Now that I am going through this break up, I weigh 75 pounds. I would do anything to hear Jeff's voice and let me know that I will be okay. I miss him so much, why am I going through so much pain by myself? Baby I am sorry....I couldn't help you or be good to you. I can't help me or be good to myself........I don't want to go away for 10 weeks. I am scared......

A half-naked Cicero, Indiana male was imprisoned Sunday after state troopers spotted him walking down a busy Highway holding a 35-inch samurai sword. After a brief scuffle, the man gave up. He later confessed to officers that he was "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.". Source of article: Man brandishing samurai sword tells police he is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Vehicle was abandoned on the highway


Ricky Rayner, an Indiana State Trooper, reported seeing an abandoned white Toyota in the center lane of busy Interstate Highway 65 at about 2:30 p.m. Sunday afternoon. Then he saw a 43 year old male named Bryon Womack running down the highway with a 3-foot Japanese-style sword and was wearing nothing but slip-on shoes and plaid shorts.

Press release explained the man


“The man was marching like a drum major, holding the sword, moving it up and down in rhythm with his marching cadence,” a state police press release said Monday.

Trying to get away


Backup was called in for Rayner. The sword was being swung all over the place. This was while the State Trooper was attempting to approach Womack. The officer then ordered him to drop the blade, and Womack quickly complied. In order to allow a Merrillville patrol vehicle go past, a 2010 Chevrolet Sports Utility Car pulled to the side of the road right afterwards. Womack apparently then tried to force his way to the stopped vehicle in a presumed try to flee.

Womack ordered to the ground


Womack was ordered to the ground after Rayner and officers drew their weapons. After that, there was no more resistance from Womack. He was cuffed and transported to the Lake County jail after that.

'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs'


At first, when at the jail, Womack wouldn’t give his identity to the jail. He said he was just “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” when the officers spoke to him.

Womack was charged with resisting arrest, attempted carjacking and possession of cannabis.

Information from


Chicago Sun-Times: http://www.suntimes.com/7474259-417/indiana-police-nab-shirtless-samurai-marching-down-i-65.html

KTNV: http://www.ktnv.com/news/national/129270553.html

Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/06/shirtless-cicero-samurai-_n_950572.html?ir=Weird News

I wanted to get some stuff off my chest. So I had some legal problems this year, getting raided, got out on O.R., than got busted for 2nd Degree Burglary and than had to go to a drug treatment facility. I went to a facility but was feeling very depressed because I missed my girl so much. I missed her so much that I left my program to go see her, even though she was in her own drug treatment facility. I got to hang out with her for a bit and my depression cleared up instantly. We came to the conclusion that no matter what, we will always be together. I will be strong and make sure we never harm ourselves by using these hardcore drugs (heroin). Even though I did relapse since I have been out. I am going to go to another program on Monday. Maybe even sooner, I might try Friday. I plan to go to the Salvation Army since they take anyone (might type of place, woohoo) It just amazes me how much this little woman of mine affects me emotionally. She is my everything. I wouldn't know what to live for if I didn't have my little wifey. We will be celebrating 10 years in November, probably won't be able to be together for it because we need to go to our rehabs, but it's for the best. I am so ready to start my life now that I have reached the ripe young age of 31. I can't even remember my 20s because I always so fucked up. I'm feeling good though because I know I will always have my love. There is some more back story to why I was depressed, but I will have to mention it some other time. I am just so fucking lucky to have such a wonderful, beautiful person in my life that loves me so much.

Okay, so where I left off- me and my two best friends had become pot heads, smoked everyday together and we were really into vaporizers, pieces, etc. It was probably one of the happiest times of my life. I felt like I finally found myself, that this was what i wanted to be. Being friends with these two older guys made me feel "special." Looking back, all I ever cared about was my image. Being the "cool guy" and it was really all a front. That year was awesome, we all played lacrosse - after every lax practice i would host small poker games as well. I met some connects through hosting poker games, and found out one of our friends sold oxy 80s. We all decide one day to try them, I think we each got one. We each blow 15 mg and feel amazing, it was awesome. Things were fine, we liked it a lot but just bought one on friday nights and that would be it. Occasionally during that period I would dabble with cocaine as well. Unfortunately, I cant stop once I start using coke. I would do it on weeknights into the early am, and end up at school at 9 am coked out of my mind, paranoid, twitchy. One of the most memorable experiences of that matter was in my 10th grade English class. We were studying Dantes Inferno and our teacher was just talking about different themes in it. It was the last class of the day, I had been up all night blowing coke and was blowing it throughout the school day. I was anxious to get out, I knew I looked geeked. So she is talking about sins in Dantes Inferno - She lists a few and then looks me in the eye and says stimulants. I freaked inside but just nodded. Hahaha. Never ended up getting in trouble for that. I was starting to live two different lives - except my "drug life" was starting to interfere. It became noticable that I was high at school, and my reputation was interesting to say the least.

I started talking to this girl in my grade, Valerie. We hung out once and she blew me, then I dodged her for a few days for fear of commitment. she was pissed. Eventually we hang out a few more times and both start crushing on eachother. She said before she started talking to me that she was scared of me... wtf? We were awesome together, the whole "in love" phase. One day she was over and I asked her if she wanted to try oxycontin, she said sure! That night we were high as hell...And that is the first time I told her I loved her. That relationship was doomed from the start. We start dabbling with it together, and of course when we were both on it we "loved" eachother more.

I love getting high. It makes everything so much better and so much more simple. If it were possible to stay high all day without getting super tired and crashing out eventually, I totally would.

I had this song stuck in my head all day, randomly. I completely forgot what the song was, but the lyrics were about doing what you want to do and not letting other people interfere or whatever. I've thought about it for the last 20 minutes or so, and it makes complete sense.

I mean, why do something you aren't comfortable with? There are times to push yourself out of your comfort zone, and times to stay within the lines.

And I think this is one of those times where I'd rather stay inside... at least for now.

Yoga is going to be funnn tonight