I'll probably do these every one in a while, like I will with my attempts to organize my thoughts (in reference to my first blog) so I might as well make it into it's own little "mini-series" so to speak as well. But moving on to the matter at hand, yeah?
This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
Personal is practically my middle name. At least on BL. I don't hold ANYTHING back on this site, hah. There's no reason to - everyone is in the same (if not similar) situations. It's one of the things I love best about this community.
If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
Of course. How am I going to deny something if I've been caught red-handed?
The last time you felt honestly broken?
Recently. As in, last week. Things just kept building and building, and then one thing happened, and suddenly I found myself broken. Things have improved significantly since then, but I came pretty close to feeling the same way last night. Not broken though, just extremely lonely and missing someone badly.
Are you craving something?
Yes. A good opiate high, sex, and weed. In that order. None of which I can get at this particular moment. I'm on Suboxone so I couldn't get a high even if I shot heroin (which I never have, but still. Just trying to illustrate the point that Suboxone makes it impossible to get high off of opiates.) There is only one person I'm currently sleeping with, but it's 6:30 in the morning, so I'm obviously going to have to wait. And one person who I HAVE slept with and still want to sleep with, but the situation is complicated so I'm not sure that's the best idea right now. I somehow managed to break BOTH of my pipes within the course of a week, so I have no way to smoke weed.
"You can't always get, what you wa-aaant..."
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
One of the above. Obviously. Although I would trade all three of those things in a heartbeat for just ONE more day with someone. Hell, even one more hour. But you can't bring people back from the dead, now can you? No. So I guess I'll go with the first three. But he really is all I want... too bad it's impossible.
Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
None. Ten is WAY too much.
What do you hear right now?
The sounds of silence- cars driving by. Random groans and creaks every once in a while, from my house settling. Palm trees creaking outside in the wind. Birds chirping. The sound of silverware clinking together as my parents eat breakfast and get ready for work. The air conditioner turning on. It's amazing the things you hear when everything is "silent". True silence doesn't really exist. But all of those little sounds you hear in silence are still peaceful, if you stop and listen.
Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
Yep.
What’s on your mind right now?
Basically everything, too much to put into words.
Are you there for your friends?
Most definitely. I'm extremely loyal - one of my strongest traits.
Last person to see you cry?
The guy I was referring to above.... the one where I said it's a complicated situation.
What do you do when you get nervous?
Pop a few xanax. Go shopping (always helps, without fail). Or do something stupid like just sit and think... which, of course, only increases my anxiety.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
Yeah actually, I do. Which is quite surprising considering people are the reason for most of my problems hah.
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
Not sure.
Does anyone completely understand you?
Yes, but he's long gone, so.
Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Yes. But there's enough other shit going on at the moment to make me NOT want to smile. I'll settle for one of these instead:
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Yeah, several people. All lies. They all did something to screw it up in the end, or they left themselves, or they just went and died on me.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
Hell yeah. I'd rewind back to May 1, 2007. I wish I could do my entire military career over again. Be a better Marine (even though I was already a damn good one as it was... just not the best recruit.) Avoid certain people. Pay more attention to others. Most importantly, I wouldn't have left "him" behind, because I know how much it hurt him. And if I hadn't done that, maybe I could have prevented him from leaving as well. Maybe I could have kept him at Parris Island, instead of letting him head over to a deployable unit. Maybe, if I had just stuck around for a few more months... then maybe, he would still be around.
Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
My mom, yes. Pretty much.
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
No.
Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
Probably, lol. I'm waiting for it.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Yes, yes I can. The answer is absolutely no one. I don't develop feelings for people easily at all.
Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
A combination of all three, depending on the day. But I tend to think about the past and the future more than the present. That's probably the reason I tend to get somewhat "stuck" a lot of the time.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
It varies. Sometimes none, other times 4-5, other times 8, and other times 12 or so.
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
Same person who last saw me cry.
Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
I'm 23.
Do you have siblings?
Yeahh.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
haha yes.
How has the past week been for you?
A fucking rollercoaster.
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Yep.
What’s on your mind right now?
Everything.
What were you doing at midnight last night?
Falling asleep on and off while watching TV.
What is your current mood?
A bit numb. A bit hopeful. A lot lonely. And a little bit sad.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
Same person I said that I last had a serious conversation with.
Will this week be a good one?
I'm going to try to make it one. But then again, I always say that lol and something bad ends up happening anyways. It's been alright so far despite my strange frame of mind... hopefully it will continue that way and hopefully I'll be able to clear my head a bit as well.
Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
A couple of things.
Who were you with last night?
My family.
Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Yeah.
Next time you will kiss someone?
Idk, but hopefully soon, cause I need to get some.
Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Um.. usually it's kind of both.... like you lock eyes and then you both start moving in at the same time.
Do you have any plans for the weekend?
It's still too early in the week to tell, but yeah, I'm sure I'll end up doing something.
This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
Personal is practically my middle name. At least on BL. I don't hold ANYTHING back on this site, hah. There's no reason to - everyone is in the same (if not similar) situations. It's one of the things I love best about this community.
If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
Of course. How am I going to deny something if I've been caught red-handed?
The last time you felt honestly broken?
Recently. As in, last week. Things just kept building and building, and then one thing happened, and suddenly I found myself broken. Things have improved significantly since then, but I came pretty close to feeling the same way last night. Not broken though, just extremely lonely and missing someone badly.
Are you craving something?
Yes. A good opiate high, sex, and weed. In that order. None of which I can get at this particular moment. I'm on Suboxone so I couldn't get a high even if I shot heroin (which I never have, but still. Just trying to illustrate the point that Suboxone makes it impossible to get high off of opiates.) There is only one person I'm currently sleeping with, but it's 6:30 in the morning, so I'm obviously going to have to wait. And one person who I HAVE slept with and still want to sleep with, but the situation is complicated so I'm not sure that's the best idea right now. I somehow managed to break BOTH of my pipes within the course of a week, so I have no way to smoke weed.
"You can't always get, what you wa-aaant..."
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
One of the above. Obviously. Although I would trade all three of those things in a heartbeat for just ONE more day with someone. Hell, even one more hour. But you can't bring people back from the dead, now can you? No. So I guess I'll go with the first three. But he really is all I want... too bad it's impossible.
Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
None. Ten is WAY too much.
What do you hear right now?
The sounds of silence- cars driving by. Random groans and creaks every once in a while, from my house settling. Palm trees creaking outside in the wind. Birds chirping. The sound of silverware clinking together as my parents eat breakfast and get ready for work. The air conditioner turning on. It's amazing the things you hear when everything is "silent". True silence doesn't really exist. But all of those little sounds you hear in silence are still peaceful, if you stop and listen.
Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
Yep.
What’s on your mind right now?
Basically everything, too much to put into words.
Are you there for your friends?
Most definitely. I'm extremely loyal - one of my strongest traits.
Last person to see you cry?
The guy I was referring to above.... the one where I said it's a complicated situation.
What do you do when you get nervous?
Pop a few xanax. Go shopping (always helps, without fail). Or do something stupid like just sit and think... which, of course, only increases my anxiety.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
Yeah actually, I do. Which is quite surprising considering people are the reason for most of my problems hah.
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
Not sure.
Does anyone completely understand you?
Yes, but he's long gone, so.
Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Yes. But there's enough other shit going on at the moment to make me NOT want to smile. I'll settle for one of these instead:
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Yeah, several people. All lies. They all did something to screw it up in the end, or they left themselves, or they just went and died on me.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
Hell yeah. I'd rewind back to May 1, 2007. I wish I could do my entire military career over again. Be a better Marine (even though I was already a damn good one as it was... just not the best recruit.) Avoid certain people. Pay more attention to others. Most importantly, I wouldn't have left "him" behind, because I know how much it hurt him. And if I hadn't done that, maybe I could have prevented him from leaving as well. Maybe I could have kept him at Parris Island, instead of letting him head over to a deployable unit. Maybe, if I had just stuck around for a few more months... then maybe, he would still be around.
Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
My mom, yes. Pretty much.
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
No.
Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
Probably, lol. I'm waiting for it.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Yes, yes I can. The answer is absolutely no one. I don't develop feelings for people easily at all.
Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
A combination of all three, depending on the day. But I tend to think about the past and the future more than the present. That's probably the reason I tend to get somewhat "stuck" a lot of the time.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
It varies. Sometimes none, other times 4-5, other times 8, and other times 12 or so.
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
Same person who last saw me cry.
Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
I'm 23.
Do you have siblings?
Yeahh.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
haha yes.
How has the past week been for you?
A fucking rollercoaster.
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Yep.
What’s on your mind right now?
Everything.
What were you doing at midnight last night?
Falling asleep on and off while watching TV.
What is your current mood?
A bit numb. A bit hopeful. A lot lonely. And a little bit sad.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
Same person I said that I last had a serious conversation with.
Will this week be a good one?
I'm going to try to make it one. But then again, I always say that lol and something bad ends up happening anyways. It's been alright so far despite my strange frame of mind... hopefully it will continue that way and hopefully I'll be able to clear my head a bit as well.
Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
A couple of things.
Who were you with last night?
My family.
Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Yeah.
Next time you will kiss someone?
Idk, but hopefully soon, cause I need to get some.
Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Um.. usually it's kind of both.... like you lock eyes and then you both start moving in at the same time.
Do you have any plans for the weekend?
It's still too early in the week to tell, but yeah, I'm sure I'll end up doing something.
