I am a bit benzo'ed out right now (for good reason though) so excuse me if this post is nonsensical. I thought about it BEFORE the Xanax bar worked it's way into my system and I was sober, so hopefully my revelation won't be lost in the haze and I can remember what I was trying to get at lol. I'll do my best.
The thing about addictive behavior, I believe, is understanding WHY you have said behavior in the first place. There are two types of people: recreational users who can control their drug use, and addicts. And whether it's accidental or not (i.e. you get addicted through a legitimate surgery and prescription your doctor kept you on, like in my case)... it never really IS accidental. It's just easier to believe that way.
Because the thing with addicts is, we ALWAYS have a reason for using our DOC. That reason is to cope. There are different things that different people cope with, and depending on that person's needs, I think that has A LOT to do with the substance they've chosen as their DOC. I currently went through something very traumatic recently (explained in my last blog - won't get into it much here), and unfortunately it took that experience in order for me to fully understand the hold opiates... and now benzo's, since opiates no longer work for me due to Suboxone... have on me.
In my case, it was because my dentist kept me on Vicodin FAR too long after my wisdom tooth surgery. To his credit, I did need it because I developed a dry socket. But did I REALLY need to go back every week, complain about pain that I could easily handle on my own, just to get a new script? No. No, I did not. The real reason was that the drugs were helping me to cope with some things I was going through at the time - PTSD, among a slew of other fucked up things.
And I realized, today, that once I had more or less squashed those feelings, through therapy (or at the very least made them manageable on my own), my usage declined quite a bit. Because I did not need to numb my emotions anymore. Ever since I started declining my usage, I've more or less gotten my life back on track. And I was ALMOST there. I should have been off of Suboxone this month. I was ready to say goodbye to benzos and opiates for good, because I was no longer stuck in my own personal hell without them.
Until, that is, a week ago. Until my "best friend" almost killed me. Until people started saying it was "hilarious". Until I realized that those were just the people saying it to my face - and that there are probably even MORE people disguised as "friends" who are secretly thinking it's "hilarious", if not wishing I had actually died - I'm sure Giselle does. Until my mind started reminding me every hour or so that there is a very good chance I wouldn't be here right now, had the paramedics arrived just a few minutes later. Until all of the above instantly reminded me of every single other fucked up thing anyone has ever done to me (which are just as traumatic, and won't get into them in detail, at least not now.)
And then, all of a sudden... I NEEDED some sort of chemical release. I was sitting on my couch about two hours ago, sinking into a really horrible depression - the kind of emotional pain that physically hurts, and makes you feel like there's a hole inside of you, and that you'll never be whole again, and that makes you almost wish they HAD killed you, because then at least you wouldn't have to feel this way. It would have been a painless death, too. I'm no longer afraid of death, although I used to be horribly afraid of it. But now I know that when you're dying, it seems your brain shuts off all of your pain receptors and renders you unconscious. Because, honestly, I didn't feel a thing. I would have died, and not even realized it, and not felt any pain from it. But alright, I'm not going to go there.
So there I was on my couch, curled up in the fetal position, trying to breathe and hold myself together, trying to just be strong and let the pain overwhelm me and then tough it out... when I figured out that I don't NEED to feel that way. Isn't it human nature to shy away from pain? To me, it seems like if you have a surefire way to eliminate the pain, it would be masochistic not to employ it. And I am not a masochist. So I decided that because I wasn't the one to inflict this amount of mental anguish on myself, I didn't deserve to have to suffer through it if I didn't have to, and I went and popped a Xanax bar.
And while everything isn't perfect just because I took the Xanax - my problems are still there - I've just bought myself a few hours of release. Of no emotion. Of no more pain, no more suffering. Of just being numb, and not having to feel. And of maybe, possibly, giving me enough strength to see that there are good things in life that I can try to be happy about while I go through this.
I guess it's not as much of a relevation as I thought, but I DID understand my addiction in that moment. It completely stems from knowing I don't have to suffer if I don't want to.
People sometimes cover their addiction up. They say, "I just wanted to get high". But ask yourself this... WHY do you want to get high? Really ask yourself that, and be honest with yourself. While it may or not be out of boredom, I have a feeling that it's because you just wanted to feel good. And imo, people who already feel good don't need to take any sort of substances in order to feel even better, because they're already "high on life". I'm not saying this to offend anyone or to get anyone's backs up, but I believe it's something to think about at the very least. Just my two cents.
xBC
The thing about addictive behavior, I believe, is understanding WHY you have said behavior in the first place. There are two types of people: recreational users who can control their drug use, and addicts. And whether it's accidental or not (i.e. you get addicted through a legitimate surgery and prescription your doctor kept you on, like in my case)... it never really IS accidental. It's just easier to believe that way.
Because the thing with addicts is, we ALWAYS have a reason for using our DOC. That reason is to cope. There are different things that different people cope with, and depending on that person's needs, I think that has A LOT to do with the substance they've chosen as their DOC. I currently went through something very traumatic recently (explained in my last blog - won't get into it much here), and unfortunately it took that experience in order for me to fully understand the hold opiates... and now benzo's, since opiates no longer work for me due to Suboxone... have on me.
In my case, it was because my dentist kept me on Vicodin FAR too long after my wisdom tooth surgery. To his credit, I did need it because I developed a dry socket. But did I REALLY need to go back every week, complain about pain that I could easily handle on my own, just to get a new script? No. No, I did not. The real reason was that the drugs were helping me to cope with some things I was going through at the time - PTSD, among a slew of other fucked up things.
And I realized, today, that once I had more or less squashed those feelings, through therapy (or at the very least made them manageable on my own), my usage declined quite a bit. Because I did not need to numb my emotions anymore. Ever since I started declining my usage, I've more or less gotten my life back on track. And I was ALMOST there. I should have been off of Suboxone this month. I was ready to say goodbye to benzos and opiates for good, because I was no longer stuck in my own personal hell without them.
Until, that is, a week ago. Until my "best friend" almost killed me. Until people started saying it was "hilarious". Until I realized that those were just the people saying it to my face - and that there are probably even MORE people disguised as "friends" who are secretly thinking it's "hilarious", if not wishing I had actually died - I'm sure Giselle does. Until my mind started reminding me every hour or so that there is a very good chance I wouldn't be here right now, had the paramedics arrived just a few minutes later. Until all of the above instantly reminded me of every single other fucked up thing anyone has ever done to me (which are just as traumatic, and won't get into them in detail, at least not now.)
And then, all of a sudden... I NEEDED some sort of chemical release. I was sitting on my couch about two hours ago, sinking into a really horrible depression - the kind of emotional pain that physically hurts, and makes you feel like there's a hole inside of you, and that you'll never be whole again, and that makes you almost wish they HAD killed you, because then at least you wouldn't have to feel this way. It would have been a painless death, too. I'm no longer afraid of death, although I used to be horribly afraid of it. But now I know that when you're dying, it seems your brain shuts off all of your pain receptors and renders you unconscious. Because, honestly, I didn't feel a thing. I would have died, and not even realized it, and not felt any pain from it. But alright, I'm not going to go there.
So there I was on my couch, curled up in the fetal position, trying to breathe and hold myself together, trying to just be strong and let the pain overwhelm me and then tough it out... when I figured out that I don't NEED to feel that way. Isn't it human nature to shy away from pain? To me, it seems like if you have a surefire way to eliminate the pain, it would be masochistic not to employ it. And I am not a masochist. So I decided that because I wasn't the one to inflict this amount of mental anguish on myself, I didn't deserve to have to suffer through it if I didn't have to, and I went and popped a Xanax bar.
And while everything isn't perfect just because I took the Xanax - my problems are still there - I've just bought myself a few hours of release. Of no emotion. Of no more pain, no more suffering. Of just being numb, and not having to feel. And of maybe, possibly, giving me enough strength to see that there are good things in life that I can try to be happy about while I go through this.
I guess it's not as much of a relevation as I thought, but I DID understand my addiction in that moment. It completely stems from knowing I don't have to suffer if I don't want to.
People sometimes cover their addiction up. They say, "I just wanted to get high". But ask yourself this... WHY do you want to get high? Really ask yourself that, and be honest with yourself. While it may or not be out of boredom, I have a feeling that it's because you just wanted to feel good. And imo, people who already feel good don't need to take any sort of substances in order to feel even better, because they're already "high on life". I'm not saying this to offend anyone or to get anyone's backs up, but I believe it's something to think about at the very least. Just my two cents.
xBC