It's later in the evening now and I'm starting to ache a fair bit. But it's not too bad and there's almost a bit of pleasure under the surface of the discomfort as I realize it's progress. I can't remember feeling excited in the last few years, about anything, maybe about getting home one long day to get high, but nothing more. Right now I feel excited..
So I know very well that just getting off the drugs is a small piece of the puzzle, I need to have a lifestyle that will support me being clean. I'm doing ok right now, I have my own place. I have a job I like and I earn a comfortable living from it.
But at the same time I'm really pathetic. I've not eaten well, I don't get much exercise. I don't have friends. I don't do much at all other than go to work and then just sit at home taking drugs.
I've been out grocery shopping. I have lots of fruits and vegetables, various things - mostly just using common sense, no processed things or junk food. I sometimes eat lots of junk food so I plan to eliminate sugar out of my diet as much as possible. One thing I personally enjoy is cooking actually. Most of the time I'm too lazy to do it, but the times I have, taking a recipe and putting in the effort to make something brings a lot more satisfaction than having a bag of doritos and a chocolate chip muffin for supper... That's something I've been thinking of too as an activity to pursue going forward, both for the health benefits and to keep busy. I'd even like to go take one of the kind of classes they have at the community colleges, general interest on all kinds of subjects like cooking, photography etc. for the fun of it and to even meet some people as well. I have some supplements too, I'll be having protein shakes, multi-vitamin, fish oil, anti-oxidants. I know a good diet is key.
And then - every single "how to kick" video on youtube mentions the same thing - exercising is so important. I'll be short on the pleasure chemicals for a while, and this will help add some. I used to be big into working out. I have got a membership at the rec centre, so I can go lift weights, do some cardio, swimming, hot tub, etc. I know damn well how much it can help. I can remember times after a good hard workout, sitting in the hot tub you have such a serene feeling, it's almost like a sort of euphoria. I'm really skinny too now, and I know most people put on weight after kicking drugs, so I want to be working hard so I can put on some muscle afterwards. I need to do some cardio training too, I don't have much endurance like I used to. I plan to start going to the gym after work each day.
Then I want to get out there, pursue some hobbies, meet some people. I want to take a class like I said, just basically get into some organized social activities. Doing volunteering work is often mentioned - helping people and good for networking. I'd like to meet a girlfriend even - that's an area where I'm probably weakest. I'm not some ugly socially inept guy. I was really shy and unconfident when I was younger, in school. Not anymore though, I mean I work in a very fast paced business environment where I need to be aggressive and where I deal with incredibly aggressive people. Yet asking some girl if I could take her out makes me really nervous. That's pathetic, I know I can do it, I gotta change. So that's a goal of mine. And then also just in general getting out there into situations where you deal with new people and make acquaintances. I'm not looking for some circle of buddies to go hang out with, go to bars or whatnot, that's not my style too much anymore. But I should have some people out there who I could be able to call a friend and do things with, and right now I don't. Part of it is that I moved a couple years ago for my work so I don't live in the same place I went to school and university in. But that's not a good excuse after this amount of time.
So damn, that's it really. It's not rocket science but obviously I've become fucked up enough that simple things like that are. I mean my place, I've spent the weekend cleaning up here, most of the time it's been a mess where I wouldn't even want to invite someone over, and that's bullshit. Plus having a nice orderly environment to spend time in if the physical aspect gets rough is sure to be much nicer than having to step over an obstacle course of clothes and junk on the floor everywhere you move - last year I threw my jacket on the floor and then later stepped on it and broke the screen of my cell phone in the pocket, how lame yes.... So today I pulled out the vacuum and toilet bowl cleaner, did the laundery, put on some music and got to work.
I think with these basic areas of focus - diet, exercise, and pursuing hobbies and social activities - I can get it done.
Game on then, I should go to sleep now. I have lots to take care of tommorow on Sunday. I'm starting to feel it a little more even from just going down 15%, but like I said, it's in some way a satisfying discomfort because I'm so sick of the life I've been leading and it means my reliance on a chemical is lessening.
I'm really looking forward to what I can acheive here. A little point to finish things off - I'm sure other people can relate to this. I've been using so long that I literally cannot truly remember what it was like when I was say 18 and had never touched any drugs, but still had fun doing things. I know I did. But today, say I'm going to go see a movie. That should be fun to most people, but for me it'll only be if I can swallow some pills after the lights go down. That's really bad. And is one great motivator for me to get off. But I know very well that given a bit of time and making the changes I've laid out, I'll get back there.
So these first two are the outlines, it'll be real life progress reports day to day from here on in. Hopefully I'll have lots of interesting things to write about. Good or bad I'll be including anything of importance. Thanks for reading.
So I know very well that just getting off the drugs is a small piece of the puzzle, I need to have a lifestyle that will support me being clean. I'm doing ok right now, I have my own place. I have a job I like and I earn a comfortable living from it.
But at the same time I'm really pathetic. I've not eaten well, I don't get much exercise. I don't have friends. I don't do much at all other than go to work and then just sit at home taking drugs.
I've been out grocery shopping. I have lots of fruits and vegetables, various things - mostly just using common sense, no processed things or junk food. I sometimes eat lots of junk food so I plan to eliminate sugar out of my diet as much as possible. One thing I personally enjoy is cooking actually. Most of the time I'm too lazy to do it, but the times I have, taking a recipe and putting in the effort to make something brings a lot more satisfaction than having a bag of doritos and a chocolate chip muffin for supper... That's something I've been thinking of too as an activity to pursue going forward, both for the health benefits and to keep busy. I'd even like to go take one of the kind of classes they have at the community colleges, general interest on all kinds of subjects like cooking, photography etc. for the fun of it and to even meet some people as well. I have some supplements too, I'll be having protein shakes, multi-vitamin, fish oil, anti-oxidants. I know a good diet is key.
And then - every single "how to kick" video on youtube mentions the same thing - exercising is so important. I'll be short on the pleasure chemicals for a while, and this will help add some. I used to be big into working out. I have got a membership at the rec centre, so I can go lift weights, do some cardio, swimming, hot tub, etc. I know damn well how much it can help. I can remember times after a good hard workout, sitting in the hot tub you have such a serene feeling, it's almost like a sort of euphoria. I'm really skinny too now, and I know most people put on weight after kicking drugs, so I want to be working hard so I can put on some muscle afterwards. I need to do some cardio training too, I don't have much endurance like I used to. I plan to start going to the gym after work each day.
Then I want to get out there, pursue some hobbies, meet some people. I want to take a class like I said, just basically get into some organized social activities. Doing volunteering work is often mentioned - helping people and good for networking. I'd like to meet a girlfriend even - that's an area where I'm probably weakest. I'm not some ugly socially inept guy. I was really shy and unconfident when I was younger, in school. Not anymore though, I mean I work in a very fast paced business environment where I need to be aggressive and where I deal with incredibly aggressive people. Yet asking some girl if I could take her out makes me really nervous. That's pathetic, I know I can do it, I gotta change. So that's a goal of mine. And then also just in general getting out there into situations where you deal with new people and make acquaintances. I'm not looking for some circle of buddies to go hang out with, go to bars or whatnot, that's not my style too much anymore. But I should have some people out there who I could be able to call a friend and do things with, and right now I don't. Part of it is that I moved a couple years ago for my work so I don't live in the same place I went to school and university in. But that's not a good excuse after this amount of time.
So damn, that's it really. It's not rocket science but obviously I've become fucked up enough that simple things like that are. I mean my place, I've spent the weekend cleaning up here, most of the time it's been a mess where I wouldn't even want to invite someone over, and that's bullshit. Plus having a nice orderly environment to spend time in if the physical aspect gets rough is sure to be much nicer than having to step over an obstacle course of clothes and junk on the floor everywhere you move - last year I threw my jacket on the floor and then later stepped on it and broke the screen of my cell phone in the pocket, how lame yes.... So today I pulled out the vacuum and toilet bowl cleaner, did the laundery, put on some music and got to work.
I think with these basic areas of focus - diet, exercise, and pursuing hobbies and social activities - I can get it done.
Game on then, I should go to sleep now. I have lots to take care of tommorow on Sunday. I'm starting to feel it a little more even from just going down 15%, but like I said, it's in some way a satisfying discomfort because I'm so sick of the life I've been leading and it means my reliance on a chemical is lessening.
I'm really looking forward to what I can acheive here. A little point to finish things off - I'm sure other people can relate to this. I've been using so long that I literally cannot truly remember what it was like when I was say 18 and had never touched any drugs, but still had fun doing things. I know I did. But today, say I'm going to go see a movie. That should be fun to most people, but for me it'll only be if I can swallow some pills after the lights go down. That's really bad. And is one great motivator for me to get off. But I know very well that given a bit of time and making the changes I've laid out, I'll get back there.
So these first two are the outlines, it'll be real life progress reports day to day from here on in. Hopefully I'll have lots of interesting things to write about. Good or bad I'll be including anything of importance. Thanks for reading.