Finally. I've been "writing" this "project" for 5 years... About my experiences going from a G-rated life to an X-rated life which I'd stupidly thought I could keep a secret life, but that was not what happened. I randomly talk about it here. Non-specifically talk about it elsewhere where I'm not anon. I was being a typical "perfectionist" on speed by focusing way too much on details no one would notice anyway. Finally I just said DO IT, and gave myself a deadline... Late December this year. I'm writing it like a "real" project. Not a casual blog, not a whiny journal, not an expose, but an anonymously written - professionally written - autobiographical true life story of non-cliche, non-stereotypical sex, porn, drugs, love, lies, lessons unexpectedly found, and the underlying themes of do we really have control of what happens at all or is it all a crap shoot, or in the middle?
I am including A LOT of specific song links, all genres. Because the ONE thing I have been able to rely on in these 10+ yrs that ranged from ultimate happiness and freedom to total apathy and complete limits placed on what I could or could not do, was and is music. No matter what style, I could rely on it to either allow me catharsis or to pull my mood the way I wanted it to.
I still do not know exactly HOW I am releasing this, either as a pre-written "blog," or an e-book, or a group of articles, or all those ways... But I know the structure, themes, have the words down. I will be editing it completely so it's not a mess. I really need to work on it NOT being a pity fest and whine-ville...
I have to include the real humor, irony, and full range of people and emotions in it so it won't be something used in the exactly opposite way I want for it.
Thank god I'm remembering my college lit classes now, cuz I did do well in them... Lol.
Glad I can vent here first... Kinda a filter for what I will be really saying in my "Project." as I am calling it for now.
Not much has changed for me since I started posting Here again a few months ago... Still on probation, still love-less, still not the happiest, still hard on myself and my situation and still know there is no easy way out of it... Living with my parents at age 35, having each mood/word/behavior examined under a microscope by my doc and social worker and parents (and some friends too...)
Still horribly missing freedom, privacy, still sometimes looking at myself as having ruined my life, still super sure I'm being judged by others and even more if they know things about me that I never intended anyone to know... Still missing parts of my life I had so securely before. And still wondering if I will get such back.
But fuck the meds, I flushed them down the toilet... And I'm FINE. Better... Bye Prozac. Bye Abilify. NO THANKS Depakote (the one they want me to try now... Really??? Why not just give me the benzo I need, who knows, maybe Adderal a try?) I'm not bipolar. I'm not manic. I DO METH. I'd LOVE to roll with G again, really, but that's harder to hide. I'm not quitting... So stop saying I'm bipolar or manic. They know I do meth, still say I'm manic. UM, ok. Depakote's going to be flushed too. (Read all the bad reviews on it, thanks, I don't want anything to do with it.)
Well, the speed I've had for weeks is so low grade I'm eating and sleeping like a normal sober person so I'm going to bed now... Lol.
I am including A LOT of specific song links, all genres. Because the ONE thing I have been able to rely on in these 10+ yrs that ranged from ultimate happiness and freedom to total apathy and complete limits placed on what I could or could not do, was and is music. No matter what style, I could rely on it to either allow me catharsis or to pull my mood the way I wanted it to.
I still do not know exactly HOW I am releasing this, either as a pre-written "blog," or an e-book, or a group of articles, or all those ways... But I know the structure, themes, have the words down. I will be editing it completely so it's not a mess. I really need to work on it NOT being a pity fest and whine-ville...
I have to include the real humor, irony, and full range of people and emotions in it so it won't be something used in the exactly opposite way I want for it.
Thank god I'm remembering my college lit classes now, cuz I did do well in them... Lol.
Glad I can vent here first... Kinda a filter for what I will be really saying in my "Project." as I am calling it for now.
Not much has changed for me since I started posting Here again a few months ago... Still on probation, still love-less, still not the happiest, still hard on myself and my situation and still know there is no easy way out of it... Living with my parents at age 35, having each mood/word/behavior examined under a microscope by my doc and social worker and parents (and some friends too...)
Still horribly missing freedom, privacy, still sometimes looking at myself as having ruined my life, still super sure I'm being judged by others and even more if they know things about me that I never intended anyone to know... Still missing parts of my life I had so securely before. And still wondering if I will get such back.
But fuck the meds, I flushed them down the toilet... And I'm FINE. Better... Bye Prozac. Bye Abilify. NO THANKS Depakote (the one they want me to try now... Really??? Why not just give me the benzo I need, who knows, maybe Adderal a try?) I'm not bipolar. I'm not manic. I DO METH. I'd LOVE to roll with G again, really, but that's harder to hide. I'm not quitting... So stop saying I'm bipolar or manic. They know I do meth, still say I'm manic. UM, ok. Depakote's going to be flushed too. (Read all the bad reviews on it, thanks, I don't want anything to do with it.)
Well, the speed I've had for weeks is so low grade I'm eating and sleeping like a normal sober person so I'm going to bed now... Lol.