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Our educational system, our society, our upbringings, even our day to day existence as members of the human race are focused on objectivity and geared toward objectivity.
Knowing more and more about "what's out there in the world", expanding our horizons, learning, traveling, exploring, meeting new people, etc.
Even subjectivity is approached from a objective angle. People go to a therapist, who is assumed to know objective things about the way people think, behave, feel and operate, and can thus help them.
They occasionally read self-help books.. which, if they were really self-help, would not be coming in from others. That's still help from others, not self-help. There is no such thing as self-help, nor any actual need for self-help.
It seems here that people do not know who they really are, and I'd even dare say most do not even have a clue what actual subjectivity is.
The 'subject', self, me... it's supposed to be your body, walking around in the world, right? So why is that so similar to a car, driving around on the street -- an *object*?
The self, me... a body/mind in the world. A perceivable thing. Treat me right. Feed me. Give my all of your attention.
--> So if I'm walking around in the world, fed, attended to, given money, etc. an *object existing in the universe* -- who/what is the *subject*, self, perceiver?
We'll look at this further in another message.
Knowing more and more about "what's out there in the world", expanding our horizons, learning, traveling, exploring, meeting new people, etc.
Even subjectivity is approached from a objective angle. People go to a therapist, who is assumed to know objective things about the way people think, behave, feel and operate, and can thus help them.
They occasionally read self-help books.. which, if they were really self-help, would not be coming in from others. That's still help from others, not self-help. There is no such thing as self-help, nor any actual need for self-help.
It seems here that people do not know who they really are, and I'd even dare say most do not even have a clue what actual subjectivity is.
The 'subject', self, me... it's supposed to be your body, walking around in the world, right? So why is that so similar to a car, driving around on the street -- an *object*?
The self, me... a body/mind in the world. A perceivable thing. Treat me right. Feed me. Give my all of your attention.
--> So if I'm walking around in the world, fed, attended to, given money, etc. an *object existing in the universe* -- who/what is the *subject*, self, perceiver?
We'll look at this further in another message.
In case you are concerned, no animals were harmed during the proceedings I now describe. . .
B----y (his nickname) is a very likeable collegue at Royal Mail, who I spend considerable time working near. He has a slightly grumpy exterior, but it's underopinned with a weary sense of humour and irony. He is stocky, in his mid forties and about 5'8" height, with slightly magnifying spectacles. Although he is not particularly overweight really, he is frequently accused of having eaten all the pies. We both bike home in the same direction and I occasionally threaten to buy the last pasty in the bunshop should I reach it before him.
He was brought up on the west side of town around where we deliver, and I frequently bump into his dad, also a former postie.
We talk about his family sometimes, and he is obviously proud of his 20 something daughter now studying at University. When he refers to his wife, he is usually describing one of her shortcomings, such as the fact that she is not keen on cooking, or still won't learn to drive. I get the impression that their relationship is something of a begrudging companionship.
We occasionally accuse him of being in a grumpy mood on some mornings, despite him not actually being so. This will annoy him gradually until it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of a sort. He seems to thrive on gentle wind up manouvres.
In his teens/twenties he was a reasonably promising rugby player until he crunched his knee and had to lay off it. He tells me that it still gives him grief these days. When out on the job, I have met many retired folk asking how the 'postman lad that used to play rugby with my son' is. B----y's still fondly remembered.
Yesterday he had to report a minor dog attack during his round. He was overheard explaining that the dog was 'like it was rabid'. Thanks to our native Yorkshire accents, the word 'Rabid' was misheard as 'rabbit' by another collegue. Well, that was it. Before long a widespread rumour had spread that B----y was reporting that he had been attacked by a rabbit. A whole host of admittedly childish but nonetheless amusing jokes began generating from this almost plausible scenario. Indeed there are many incidents which seem ridiculous when recorded on an accident report form, such as getting one's hand stuck in a letter-box, for example. All day, B----y was met with the greeting 'What's up Doc?'
He bore his tribulations with the usual combination of dignity, interspersed with handing out occasional duffings up.
On other occasions, customer complaints come in which seem bizarre or borderline loony. One collegue asked a lady if he could use her lavatory, to which she was agreed. He must have been having a nasty time because the following day, a complaint had been logged that his deposit would not negotiate the U-bend. Our managers showed great profesionality in their understanding of confidetiality by posting a photocopy on the notice board.
It is events and people such as these that help pass the ups and downs of life.
B----y (his nickname) is a very likeable collegue at Royal Mail, who I spend considerable time working near. He has a slightly grumpy exterior, but it's underopinned with a weary sense of humour and irony. He is stocky, in his mid forties and about 5'8" height, with slightly magnifying spectacles. Although he is not particularly overweight really, he is frequently accused of having eaten all the pies. We both bike home in the same direction and I occasionally threaten to buy the last pasty in the bunshop should I reach it before him.
He was brought up on the west side of town around where we deliver, and I frequently bump into his dad, also a former postie.
We talk about his family sometimes, and he is obviously proud of his 20 something daughter now studying at University. When he refers to his wife, he is usually describing one of her shortcomings, such as the fact that she is not keen on cooking, or still won't learn to drive. I get the impression that their relationship is something of a begrudging companionship.
We occasionally accuse him of being in a grumpy mood on some mornings, despite him not actually being so. This will annoy him gradually until it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of a sort. He seems to thrive on gentle wind up manouvres.
In his teens/twenties he was a reasonably promising rugby player until he crunched his knee and had to lay off it. He tells me that it still gives him grief these days. When out on the job, I have met many retired folk asking how the 'postman lad that used to play rugby with my son' is. B----y's still fondly remembered.
Yesterday he had to report a minor dog attack during his round. He was overheard explaining that the dog was 'like it was rabid'. Thanks to our native Yorkshire accents, the word 'Rabid' was misheard as 'rabbit' by another collegue. Well, that was it. Before long a widespread rumour had spread that B----y was reporting that he had been attacked by a rabbit. A whole host of admittedly childish but nonetheless amusing jokes began generating from this almost plausible scenario. Indeed there are many incidents which seem ridiculous when recorded on an accident report form, such as getting one's hand stuck in a letter-box, for example. All day, B----y was met with the greeting 'What's up Doc?'
He bore his tribulations with the usual combination of dignity, interspersed with handing out occasional duffings up.
On other occasions, customer complaints come in which seem bizarre or borderline loony. One collegue asked a lady if he could use her lavatory, to which she was agreed. He must have been having a nasty time because the following day, a complaint had been logged that his deposit would not negotiate the U-bend. Our managers showed great profesionality in their understanding of confidetiality by posting a photocopy on the notice board.
It is events and people such as these that help pass the ups and downs of life.
I'm currently messing with a-PVP (a legal RC stim similar to MDPV) and am getting a little too fascinated by my own thoughts 
.
This is generally a sign that thought-reality wants to take over perceptual-reality and decide what is to happen, and I'm merely posting this as a self-reminder that needs to be noted -- as well as maybe something interesting for anyone reading this who isn't familiar with stimulant use.
Stop thinking. Do something concrete. Knock it off, get some sleep. Cool beans.
At some point your thoughts become really interesting, then really important, then vitally important, then "vitally important/fascinating, regardless of content".
In the past things have gotten weird at that point -- I'll start to examine the alphabet, which letter comes after which other letter, compare the alphabet song to the way the letters sound, then start to see patterns that are not there and believe that I am perceiving a hidden reality based on sounds and word associations.
Such as "The letter is in the mail". "The let-her is in the male". I am the male. She's "someone in my mind"... suddenly there are two people.
She's the "me" and I'm the "I". There are two of us here inside consciousness. She's trying to communicate, and I have to "let her" LOL...
This got ridiculous the last time I messed with a-PVP... the song "Ay, Beee, Ceee, Deee, Eeee, F, Geeee" started to turn into "Ev-ry chi-ld, ev-ry onnnne....." by some unknown association, and then I was certain I had died and was in an afterlife, remembering the alphabet falsely, and the "Ev-ry child, every one" was the way the song really went.
Following that I was dumb enough to go outside, noticeably wacky.
This is how stimulants get nutty -- via scatter, disassociation and false associations. It usually doesn't happen unless sleep deprivation is involved too... that's the pivotal axis that turns reality over onto its adam's apple and creates a dream falsehood you believe you're living.
The point that you're lost is when you forget you're taking them at all, and just keep doing it without being conscious of doing it. You're in deep sh*t then.
I don't even want to remember what happened last time with a-pvp... one of the most hellish stim "runs" I've experienced in the 30 or so years destiny has been putting these substances in my path. I didn't lose touch with reality. There wasn't one.
Dopamine receptors don't care, tho. They have no memory, can't think or reason, don't feel emotions and don't know anything. They are bio-chemical. They are simple. "Administer". "Repeat". "WOO!"
And why the hell not?
I accept all experiences, events and things that happen, as they occur, and enjoy them for what they are *unconditionally*. I love everything, even when it sucks. The way I operate is SO simple, and the only time I'm crazy enough to try and explain it in words is times like now. I doubt anyone will understand... I seek nothing, and fear nothing.
Peace....
. This is generally a sign that thought-reality wants to take over perceptual-reality and decide what is to happen, and I'm merely posting this as a self-reminder that needs to be noted -- as well as maybe something interesting for anyone reading this who isn't familiar with stimulant use.
Stop thinking. Do something concrete. Knock it off, get some sleep. Cool beans.
At some point your thoughts become really interesting, then really important, then vitally important, then "vitally important/fascinating, regardless of content".
In the past things have gotten weird at that point -- I'll start to examine the alphabet, which letter comes after which other letter, compare the alphabet song to the way the letters sound, then start to see patterns that are not there and believe that I am perceiving a hidden reality based on sounds and word associations.
Such as "The letter is in the mail". "The let-her is in the male". I am the male. She's "someone in my mind"... suddenly there are two people.
She's the "me" and I'm the "I". There are two of us here inside consciousness. She's trying to communicate, and I have to "let her" LOL...
This got ridiculous the last time I messed with a-PVP... the song "Ay, Beee, Ceee, Deee, Eeee, F, Geeee" started to turn into "Ev-ry chi-ld, ev-ry onnnne....." by some unknown association, and then I was certain I had died and was in an afterlife, remembering the alphabet falsely, and the "Ev-ry child, every one" was the way the song really went.
Following that I was dumb enough to go outside, noticeably wacky.
This is how stimulants get nutty -- via scatter, disassociation and false associations. It usually doesn't happen unless sleep deprivation is involved too... that's the pivotal axis that turns reality over onto its adam's apple and creates a dream falsehood you believe you're living.
The point that you're lost is when you forget you're taking them at all, and just keep doing it without being conscious of doing it. You're in deep sh*t then
.I don't even want to remember what happened last time with a-pvp... one of the most hellish stim "runs" I've experienced in the 30 or so years destiny has been putting these substances in my path. I didn't lose touch with reality. There wasn't one.
Dopamine receptors don't care, tho. They have no memory, can't think or reason, don't feel emotions and don't know anything. They are bio-chemical. They are simple. "Administer". "Repeat". "WOO!"
And why the hell not?
I accept all experiences, events and things that happen, as they occur, and enjoy them for what they are *unconditionally*. I love everything, even when it sucks. The way I operate is SO simple, and the only time I'm crazy enough to try and explain it in words is times like now. I doubt anyone will understand... I seek nothing, and fear nothing.
Peace....
Link building services give a wonderful rise in your visitors, that may subsequently enhance your sales. They could do that in several ways. Probably the most beneficial solutions you will be supplied with can be locating essentially the most vital keywords available for your specific website. This specific functions your link building service doing the study for you based on global amount of searches stats. They are going to after that determine your competitors stage and give you keywords and phrases that will increase your Search engine optimisation expense. Additionally, they are going to in addition give you a set of basic alterations that you can desire to make your website in order to get the most out of your link building program. If they have discovered these types of search phrases, they normally use these inside various ways on your website at the same time.
For farmore points readthrough Linkaufbau
Just about the most critical organization tricks of almost all businesses is actually acquiring a high search engine results positioning inside the results of searches. This particular actually drives in traffic to the websites, that invitations a growing number of visitors. Link building is the most effective way associated with attaining this kind of ranking and is an extremely essential component in different prospering SEO technique. You have to be wondering what is link building. Effectively, it is a procedure where backlinks can be created that may direct towards your individual website through the third party website. Listed in websites, newsletters, engines like google, e-zines, and so forth. are a few reciprocal hyperlinks in which, link building can also be accomplished.
Among the numerous link building methods that are readily available on the net today, Bottles are some of the techniques many expert link building services adopt to achieve Yahoo and google first google page rank for their consumers. Observe that RSS feeds aren't merely used in affiliate marketing but it can easily properly be used for streamlining of countless some other media produces.
For the time consuming dynamics, link building services ought to better be relaxed within reach of an authority Seo firm. The Middle East and some places in the west are great modems regarding outsourcing techniques such providers. Simply by freelancing your entire process, you will be allayed of the load, while you will know that your task is within safe arms. These businesses use skilled experts, that not just are experts in offering link building services, but they are in addition expert in well-timed shipping of the jobs.
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For more details gothrough Linkaufbau service
For farmore points readthrough Linkaufbau
Just about the most critical organization tricks of almost all businesses is actually acquiring a high search engine results positioning inside the results of searches. This particular actually drives in traffic to the websites, that invitations a growing number of visitors. Link building is the most effective way associated with attaining this kind of ranking and is an extremely essential component in different prospering SEO technique. You have to be wondering what is link building. Effectively, it is a procedure where backlinks can be created that may direct towards your individual website through the third party website. Listed in websites, newsletters, engines like google, e-zines, and so forth. are a few reciprocal hyperlinks in which, link building can also be accomplished.
Among the numerous link building methods that are readily available on the net today, Bottles are some of the techniques many expert link building services adopt to achieve Yahoo and google first google page rank for their consumers. Observe that RSS feeds aren't merely used in affiliate marketing but it can easily properly be used for streamlining of countless some other media produces.
For the time consuming dynamics, link building services ought to better be relaxed within reach of an authority Seo firm. The Middle East and some places in the west are great modems regarding outsourcing techniques such providers. Simply by freelancing your entire process, you will be allayed of the load, while you will know that your task is within safe arms. These businesses use skilled experts, that not just are experts in offering link building services, but they are in addition expert in well-timed shipping of the jobs.
You've got a selection however, if you desperately want for the best in one way link back and the essential boost to your web site's targeted traffic, you might need to receive the professional link building services to easily steer the shoreline to your web site. But it is important to note that these skilled link building experts will ultimately help get targeted traffic to your site start by making that gain a high position in the lookup engines' outcome web pages nevertheless, you have to strive so that such visitors finds useful resources on the sites or perhaps blog site and possibly keep coming back for more. This is the most certain way of outperforming the competition with no flashing.
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Random Thought-of-the-moment: I've always liked words. Words, as mathematics to some people, always made sense to me.
----
I have encountered the most profound of problems in my day-to-day life: I become entirely, thoroughly, disablingly bored with life and its options. Sometimes, I'll struggle to comprehend the thought of spending another sixteen hours awake without some kind of stimulation - something to look forward to. It's driven me to thoughts of using diamorphine plenty a time in the recent weeks.
And, honestly, I feel like I exhaust every option. Browsing the web, DJ'ing a bit/looking for new tracks, reading, smoking a hookah and listening to music, art, daydreaming... none of it interests me for too long and, before noon has arrived, I've exhausted my list of "reasons to be awake" for the day!
Taking larger amounts of benzodiazepines and smoking to fill those empty hours has taken its toll, too, and I worry about that a lot. I just finished with alcohol as it was dominating my life for these very reasons.
I've been hiding this internal battle with addictions motivations from my girlfriend, with whom I live in close quarters, because of her lack of honest exposure to the more gritty natures of substance use/abuse. I'm proud of her diligence and restraint, and encourage it - however, it's truly tough hiding these internal urges from someone so close to you because of fear of reprisal.
And heroin seems so forgiving.
(8))
I'm a tad mixed up right now; each day seems no better than the next, and I'm sure it's not the result of some latent depressive symptoms. If it were, I'd be aware.
Keeping oneself busy is more difficult than it sounds. But I'm beginning to think that applies to just about everything these days.
~ vaya
----
I have encountered the most profound of problems in my day-to-day life: I become entirely, thoroughly, disablingly bored with life and its options. Sometimes, I'll struggle to comprehend the thought of spending another sixteen hours awake without some kind of stimulation - something to look forward to. It's driven me to thoughts of using diamorphine plenty a time in the recent weeks.
And, honestly, I feel like I exhaust every option. Browsing the web, DJ'ing a bit/looking for new tracks, reading, smoking a hookah and listening to music, art, daydreaming... none of it interests me for too long and, before noon has arrived, I've exhausted my list of "reasons to be awake" for the day!
Taking larger amounts of benzodiazepines and smoking to fill those empty hours has taken its toll, too, and I worry about that a lot. I just finished with alcohol as it was dominating my life for these very reasons.
I've been hiding this internal battle with addictions motivations from my girlfriend, with whom I live in close quarters, because of her lack of honest exposure to the more gritty natures of substance use/abuse. I'm proud of her diligence and restraint, and encourage it - however, it's truly tough hiding these internal urges from someone so close to you because of fear of reprisal.
And heroin seems so forgiving.
(8))
I'm a tad mixed up right now; each day seems no better than the next, and I'm sure it's not the result of some latent depressive symptoms. If it were, I'd be aware.
Keeping oneself busy is more difficult than it sounds. But I'm beginning to think that applies to just about everything these days.
~ vaya
Hello!
I am a new member of blue light and just wanted to share the crazy story as to why I decided to go onto bluelight. Amazing story but, long story short, I was at a rave getting water with my friend and we were having a conversation about using gas masks to smoke. Off of just hearing our conversation, a girl approached us and asked my friend if he blogged on blue light. Amazing to say that just off of hearing my friend talk and his funny stories about gas masks this random girl was able to pick up on the fact that he was an active blogger on blue light.
I literally was standing their thinking, "what the fuck." Anyways... that was a crazy experience and just thought that it was time that I join blue light. So hello everyone
-Blitz
I am a new member of blue light and just wanted to share the crazy story as to why I decided to go onto bluelight. Amazing story but, long story short, I was at a rave getting water with my friend and we were having a conversation about using gas masks to smoke. Off of just hearing our conversation, a girl approached us and asked my friend if he blogged on blue light. Amazing to say that just off of hearing my friend talk and his funny stories about gas masks this random girl was able to pick up on the fact that he was an active blogger on blue light.
I literally was standing their thinking, "what the fuck." Anyways... that was a crazy experience and just thought that it was time that I join blue light. So hello everyone
-Blitz
I have been visiting Bluelight for quite a while now (year or so) and have always gotten useful info. I have been using prescription painkillers (anything i could get) for about 2 1/2 years pretty consistently. About a year ago, I was introduced to this Amazing/enslaving drug called Opana8) I was hooked!! Over the past few months I have really struggled with this addiction. I went through full-blown withdrawals for 3 or 4 days (it was a blur) and felt like a new woman when a made it through; then 2 weeks later I convenced myself that I could go back to using recreationaly (who was I kidding?) and needless to say I was back where I started. I found out that two of my friends who used with me fairly often decided it was time to get clean because it was "taking over their lives." As I said before, I had been struggling with this addiction for a while at this point, not only physicaly but mentaly/emotionaly. I truly didnt want every day of my life to be based on whether I had my fix or not. I spent so much time praying that maybe God would just take the desire to use away, and of course, that did not happen (you reap what you sow
)...Ok, back to my friends...They told me they had access to some Subs and BOOM!!! my light at the end of the tunnel finaly appeared!!! You have to reallize that out of all the drugs i have access to, that is the HARDEST to find. I jumped all over it and bought two. I could not believe how amazing it is. I started going into w/d's two days ago (tuesday); 12 hours after my last dose and was sick from that moment until late afternoon on Wed. It is Thurday and I feel Brand New again (Cheesy, I know
. My plan is to only be on Subs for a week simply because although I was addicted, my habit is not as severe as many others; however, it was still no life to live....work my ass off and continue to be strapped for money. I have a son who needs his mother at 100%, 100% of the time.
I'm blogging about this to help others, but to also help myself because we are all fellow users or ex-users, and everyone here knows what its like to be where I am at some point and time. I will continue to keep blogging about this experience.
*~*Red*~*
)...Ok, back to my friends...They told me they had access to some Subs and BOOM!!! my light at the end of the tunnel finaly appeared!!! You have to reallize that out of all the drugs i have access to, that is the HARDEST to find. I jumped all over it and bought two. I could not believe how amazing it is. I started going into w/d's two days ago (tuesday); 12 hours after my last dose and was sick from that moment until late afternoon on Wed. It is Thurday and I feel Brand New again (Cheesy, I know . My plan is to only be on Subs for a week simply because although I was addicted, my habit is not as severe as many others; however, it was still no life to live....work my ass off and continue to be strapped for money. I have a son who needs his mother at 100%, 100% of the time. I'm blogging about this to help others, but to also help myself because we are all fellow users or ex-users, and everyone here knows what its like to be where I am at some point and time. I will continue to keep blogging about this experience.
*~*Red*~*
There is this bitch at work who has been stirring trouble for me. Unfortunately she's a bitch who has a lot of control as she is the only one who knows how to do the accounts. So she decided she didn't like me, and has since been threatening to leave if i dont. Even though i never did anything to cause her to dislike me.
Today she had a long meeting with the boss. This led to my dismissal under no grounds other than she gave them no choice. And I hadn't been there a year yet so can't even do anything about it. On the positive side I'm getting 3 weeks severence pay so it's not dire but jobs are hard to come by now so I doubt i'll find one easily.
This sort of thing is the reason i don't get on with most women. Why is it people like that get away with behaving this way.
Safe to say I'm taking a break from my break from drugs tonight.
Today she had a long meeting with the boss. This led to my dismissal under no grounds other than she gave them no choice. And I hadn't been there a year yet so can't even do anything about it. On the positive side I'm getting 3 weeks severence pay so it's not dire but jobs are hard to come by now so I doubt i'll find one easily.
This sort of thing is the reason i don't get on with most women. Why is it people like that get away with behaving this way.
Safe to say I'm taking a break from my break from drugs tonight.
I miss heroin. It's touch and go over here and I am sick of withdrawls. I'm cut off and the docs are on to me. I have no relief. I can get tons of benzos, but it displaces my depression meds. Fuck, being an addict is GREAAAT/HORRIBLE!
Russia had "tovarish" (comrade), now America has "solidarity."
Neglect of poverty and people in it, as well as a drug war that has pitted people in government directly against all ranks of our society (but mostly the poorest, and hence, ethnic), has created a state where politicians and police departments are entirely disconnected from any wishes or grievances of the majority of their constituents.
They proved this in gruesome detail:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ05rWx1pig
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AdDLhPwpp4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRvcEQ0_iEQ
and those are just the pepper spray incidents!
When hedge funds make more in an hour than any of us make in a year, we are left to fight over the remainder of the pie, dividing us amongst ourselves (one of those divisions being between the police and the poor). Meanwhile, the top 1% can easily throw a few million dollars here and take out a few politicians, or manipulate billion dollar markets and take out entire countries (like Greece, whose assets are now being sold as greek people lose their sovereignty), to increase their power. For example, the NYPD got paid millions of dollars from JP Morgan *during the protests* with mass arrests following.
That is what happens in an oligarchy, a police state, an authoritarian dictatorship. WHATEVER YOUR POLITICS, left or right, this is bad news for all of us.
I've already linked the bad news. The good news is that the occupy movement still stands because of numbers. Over 1,000 cities in the U.S. and double that in the world have large occupy protests, and it's all about your say (everybody has a chance to speak at general assemblies, and general assembly consensus dictates the actions of the occupy movement--there are no leaders).
All of these protests are linked on the internet, and many are linked sending supplies and personnel to each other. You may have thought otherwise if you've been watching any cable news from inside the United States, but this movement has huge potential and staying power.
The best way to help is to at least go check out the protest site at your town and talk to them. Bringing any blankets, food items, donations etc is also helpful. Many cities have a general assembly each night, and GA's are fascinating to witness--they are "what democracy looks like," literally. I highly recommend stopping by during a GA.
What kind of country are we, and what can you do about it? Are you going to go on pretending that you cannot influence politics, or will you speak up and stand in solidarity with those on Wall Street and the rest of the United States?
Glider
Neglect of poverty and people in it, as well as a drug war that has pitted people in government directly against all ranks of our society (but mostly the poorest, and hence, ethnic), has created a state where politicians and police departments are entirely disconnected from any wishes or grievances of the majority of their constituents.
They proved this in gruesome detail:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ05rWx1pig
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AdDLhPwpp4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRvcEQ0_iEQ
and those are just the pepper spray incidents!
When hedge funds make more in an hour than any of us make in a year, we are left to fight over the remainder of the pie, dividing us amongst ourselves (one of those divisions being between the police and the poor). Meanwhile, the top 1% can easily throw a few million dollars here and take out a few politicians, or manipulate billion dollar markets and take out entire countries (like Greece, whose assets are now being sold as greek people lose their sovereignty), to increase their power. For example, the NYPD got paid millions of dollars from JP Morgan *during the protests* with mass arrests following.
That is what happens in an oligarchy, a police state, an authoritarian dictatorship. WHATEVER YOUR POLITICS, left or right, this is bad news for all of us.
I've already linked the bad news. The good news is that the occupy movement still stands because of numbers. Over 1,000 cities in the U.S. and double that in the world have large occupy protests, and it's all about your say (everybody has a chance to speak at general assemblies, and general assembly consensus dictates the actions of the occupy movement--there are no leaders).
All of these protests are linked on the internet, and many are linked sending supplies and personnel to each other. You may have thought otherwise if you've been watching any cable news from inside the United States, but this movement has huge potential and staying power.
The best way to help is to at least go check out the protest site at your town and talk to them. Bringing any blankets, food items, donations etc is also helpful. Many cities have a general assembly each night, and GA's are fascinating to witness--they are "what democracy looks like," literally. I highly recommend stopping by during a GA.
What kind of country are we, and what can you do about it? Are you going to go on pretending that you cannot influence politics, or will you speak up and stand in solidarity with those on Wall Street and the rest of the United States?
Glider
Ive been off Methadone almost a year now. I know I should be proud of this. After the fifth year, I wasn't sure I would ever make it out. Especially when O would chase my tablets with a Roxy. And them some more Roxy's... And then some more... And although I still use, I can honestly say I'm better. I don't wake up a go to the clinic everyday. I don't do anything everyday... Now, I still constantly crave it, mentally. Opiates. That euphoric, sexy, confident feeling that washes over me when
I release the tourniquet and slide the rig out. Seeing the little drop of blood pool in the bend of the arm.
Anyway.
I'm worried I'll never be as happy as I once was completely, head-over-heels addicted to opiates. Even though I was a worse person then...sneaky, dishonest, totally FUCKED UP in a sad "morals and values" sort of way... I've never been more confident. I had less social anxiety. I was involved at work. I worked 50 to 60 hour work weeks only to be barely scraping by when it came to my finances. I spent all my money on drugs. Have nothing to show for it but this mental "funk" that I've been stuck in for months and months. I just don't understand what's wrong with me. Will I ever want to join the rest of the world again? Did I ever want to in the first place?
I release the tourniquet and slide the rig out. Seeing the little drop of blood pool in the bend of the arm.
Anyway.
I'm worried I'll never be as happy as I once was completely, head-over-heels addicted to opiates. Even though I was a worse person then...sneaky, dishonest, totally FUCKED UP in a sad "morals and values" sort of way... I've never been more confident. I had less social anxiety. I was involved at work. I worked 50 to 60 hour work weeks only to be barely scraping by when it came to my finances. I spent all my money on drugs. Have nothing to show for it but this mental "funk" that I've been stuck in for months and months. I just don't understand what's wrong with me. Will I ever want to join the rest of the world again? Did I ever want to in the first place?
I am new to clen use. I want to use it for weight loss. I would like to get some dosage and cycle info. I need to loose quite a bit of weight. I have bad back issues and can not do a lot of exercise. the less I weigh the more I can do. Can anyone help me out?
Continues. . .
So if someone who knows about psychedelics looks at my book shelf, they are all there to see on the top shelf, for the curious. From the wacky to the sceptic. I am broadly informed but the collection does not necessarily reflect my opinion. I wouldn't want them to think I was a full on Ayahuasca exponent for example, with all the ritualistic belief systems and paraphernalia. I have read plenty about it, and went as far as visiting a Shaman outside Iquitos in Peru to experience an authentic setting. I greatly respect it on a cultural level, and my Peruvian encounter reflected the setting and it's archetypes. But it wasn't my own culture. My first literary Yage encounter was courtesy of W.S Burroughs. I have used Ayahuasca and some analogues a few times. I prefer to use Moclobemide instead of plant MAOI and synthetic DMT to reach an Ayahuasca like head-space now, avoiding the unpredictable and sometimes quite gruelling side effects of the original. I know there is some kind of sublime lesson happening during the purge sometimes. Stages of initial resistance and fear, gradually replaced by acceptance and perhaps even peace with the immanent irresistible barfing that will soon follow. And then when it sometimes lasts for minutes, you have time to think a myriad or parallel consecutive thoughts during a single retch. At that point some remarkably resilient part of my mind is still chuckling at my predicament, and the innate comedy of existence.
I prefer a gentler ride usually. I don't object to extreme mental phenomenon too much, having managed to mostly accept and ride out heavier moments. A whole load of psycho-babble type cliches spring to mind such as: 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself', amongst others. I like to think on lyrics from the Beatles' 'Tomorrow Never Knows', themselves taken from Leary/Alpert/Metzner's 'The Psychedelic Experience'. My preferred materials provide me with plenty/enough to think about.
I pre-ordered Pinchbeck's second book, but felt in all honesty that he'd gone from one extreme to another. I couldn't help feeling it described a slide away from rationality and heightened awareness toward a kind ofself centred mania. The last part of the book concerned a great deal of 'Channelling' and doom-saying, particularly with regard to predictions of great change from 2012 onwards. With respect, I'm not holding my breath, although the year is still young.
Other authors in the field I have read include Stanislav Grof, who has pioneered forms of LSD psychotherapy. Many of his ideas appealed to me on an intuitive level, but I have a problem with past life experience claims. I just find that, as with most paranormal claims, to my mind, if there were verifiable and repeatable evidence, they would long since have been dissected by scientific method. This is not always the case, but just in an overwhelming proportion of cases. The remaider are, to paraphrase Arthur C Clark, forms of science which we as yet do not understand. His ideas seem underpinned by an assumption of truth regarding some slightly empirically dubious hypotheses. And yet I have to acknowledge a mental place that is beyond the deterministic external reality. As stated before, I just think you can't bring anything back from it that violates the parameters of normal external reality. I do believe you can feel like you have been extremely close, adjacent even. I have had many experiences that have hinted tantalisingly at that. Because I like LSD, although I'm seldom fortunate enough to acquire it, I gave Grof a fair reading. The books aren't that cheap, but I was not massively smitten. The psychotherapy approach was interesting and applicable to some of the emotional housework I sometimes do with chemical assistance.
If you did persevere with all that you are in my cool book. If not, I understand. Anyway I can rattle on about my obsession to my hearts content here it seems. Sometime my posts will be long and rambling, like the above. Other times they are liable to be colourful and hopefully interesting, like when I try a new material, or something else sparks my enthusiasms. Part of my reason for writing is to help me formulate my ideas, so I must apologise for inconsistencies over time.
Peace - Pipp
So if someone who knows about psychedelics looks at my book shelf, they are all there to see on the top shelf, for the curious. From the wacky to the sceptic. I am broadly informed but the collection does not necessarily reflect my opinion. I wouldn't want them to think I was a full on Ayahuasca exponent for example, with all the ritualistic belief systems and paraphernalia. I have read plenty about it, and went as far as visiting a Shaman outside Iquitos in Peru to experience an authentic setting. I greatly respect it on a cultural level, and my Peruvian encounter reflected the setting and it's archetypes. But it wasn't my own culture. My first literary Yage encounter was courtesy of W.S Burroughs. I have used Ayahuasca and some analogues a few times. I prefer to use Moclobemide instead of plant MAOI and synthetic DMT to reach an Ayahuasca like head-space now, avoiding the unpredictable and sometimes quite gruelling side effects of the original. I know there is some kind of sublime lesson happening during the purge sometimes. Stages of initial resistance and fear, gradually replaced by acceptance and perhaps even peace with the immanent irresistible barfing that will soon follow. And then when it sometimes lasts for minutes, you have time to think a myriad or parallel consecutive thoughts during a single retch. At that point some remarkably resilient part of my mind is still chuckling at my predicament, and the innate comedy of existence.
I prefer a gentler ride usually. I don't object to extreme mental phenomenon too much, having managed to mostly accept and ride out heavier moments. A whole load of psycho-babble type cliches spring to mind such as: 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself', amongst others. I like to think on lyrics from the Beatles' 'Tomorrow Never Knows', themselves taken from Leary/Alpert/Metzner's 'The Psychedelic Experience'. My preferred materials provide me with plenty/enough to think about.
I pre-ordered Pinchbeck's second book, but felt in all honesty that he'd gone from one extreme to another. I couldn't help feeling it described a slide away from rationality and heightened awareness toward a kind ofself centred mania. The last part of the book concerned a great deal of 'Channelling' and doom-saying, particularly with regard to predictions of great change from 2012 onwards. With respect, I'm not holding my breath, although the year is still young.
Other authors in the field I have read include Stanislav Grof, who has pioneered forms of LSD psychotherapy. Many of his ideas appealed to me on an intuitive level, but I have a problem with past life experience claims. I just find that, as with most paranormal claims, to my mind, if there were verifiable and repeatable evidence, they would long since have been dissected by scientific method. This is not always the case, but just in an overwhelming proportion of cases. The remaider are, to paraphrase Arthur C Clark, forms of science which we as yet do not understand. His ideas seem underpinned by an assumption of truth regarding some slightly empirically dubious hypotheses. And yet I have to acknowledge a mental place that is beyond the deterministic external reality. As stated before, I just think you can't bring anything back from it that violates the parameters of normal external reality. I do believe you can feel like you have been extremely close, adjacent even. I have had many experiences that have hinted tantalisingly at that. Because I like LSD, although I'm seldom fortunate enough to acquire it, I gave Grof a fair reading. The books aren't that cheap, but I was not massively smitten. The psychotherapy approach was interesting and applicable to some of the emotional housework I sometimes do with chemical assistance.
If you did persevere with all that you are in my cool book. If not, I understand. Anyway I can rattle on about my obsession to my hearts content here it seems. Sometime my posts will be long and rambling, like the above. Other times they are liable to be colourful and hopefully interesting, like when I try a new material, or something else sparks my enthusiasms. Part of my reason for writing is to help me formulate my ideas, so I must apologise for inconsistencies over time.
Peace - Pipp
In the dining room, at one end is a fireplace, whose alcove now holds the hifi with a vintage turntable on the top. Its brown cork platter usually has something old on it. Today it was a mono copy of Ella Fitzgerald classics on Verve from '61. It included two beautiful duets from work she did with Duke Ellington.
Either side of the chimney breast are two columns of book shelves holding about a third of my library. These are the ones I like to dip into occasionally, or to remind me of what I've read. I smoke too much weed to really remember everything, so if I am thinking about a topic, I'll have to reach for some tome or other to put myself straight. They are arranged according to topic area mostly but some of the big pictorial books have to go on the big shelf at the bottom. I've read all of them there, except for maybe the newest aquisitions which I am cueing up.
I tend to keep my more obscure books high up in order not to alarm curious visitors. I have a big set of books about psychedelics. That category does not really do them justice. They range from rational scientific analysis to the mystical and all shades in between. This is my problem. I have read up on both sides
of the arguments but find myself edging towards the sceptical with regard to the mystical end. I am convinced of the utility of psychedelic experience at some psycho-spiritual level. But, I tend not to subscribe gurus or want to subsume the things I have observed to the ideas of another.
I have one Terrence McKenna book on the shelf, (The Archaic Revival), a kind of sampler. I've heard a few of his lectures and like his eloquence on matters that for most us are hard to integrate and describe. However I do not subscribe to his particular personal rationale of them. His self transforming machine elves did not seem apparent when I first got a proper hit of DMT. However I later began to see how I could overlay my own experience on top of the features McKenna describes. In my heart I felt that this was more about the plasticity of the experiential data, than the absolute truth of his interpretation. To be honest, his inter-stellar internet type scenarios are to my mind manifestations of his hopes and aspirations for the future of mankind. There I do not blame him. I frequently entertain simillar thought experiments myself when under the influence.
If a friend asked for a good book to start finding out about psychelics, I'd send them to Daniel Pinchbeck's 'Breaking Open The Head'. Here someone of a more sceptical standoint than myself finds his concept of reality and spirituality broadened through a variety of materials. It's exciting vivid stuff at times, and was the spark of interest for me. I ordered P/Tihkal and began to get stuck in. Reading these (OK the fictionalised biographical sections + the reports then later, other bits) I felt a tinge of jealousy at the fortune of those who had tasted these substances, alongside a kind of sadness at the seeming impossibility of obtaining them. However, the lively online discussion these drugs suggested to me that there was a hope. Soon after, I started googling obscure compound formuli names latching onto a small HK outfit who were expensive, but did send what they were paid for. Tha rest is partially documented in reports online. P/Tihkal are two that I like and reflect kinds of values I concur with.
I recently bought 'Journeys Into the Bright World' by Marcia Moore and her hubsband Howard Alltounian. Soon after beginning I realised that they were both fairly obsessed with astrology and I felt a kind of distance form. As though I expected all their accounts to be informed by a viewpoint to which I don't subscribe. The book was interesting and well written and I finished it. It was all the more poignant given that she eventually appears to have come to grief courtesey of her D.O.C. The book doesn't reflect my psychedelic sensibilities too much. Again, the vista is a manifestation of the authors' personal historical grande set and setting. Different to mine. I'm not trying to be difficult here, because I have to be willing to accept that I may be on the wrong track myself.
For a book that appealed more to my rational perceptions, I recommend 'Psychedelic Information Theory' by James L. Kent. It is as rigorous as any sincere enquirer could be in applying understandable concepts to describe a possible mechanism by which normal consciousnes and the altered states might come about. His theory describes neurological processes and a brain wave based model to account for coherence and decoherence of experience. On some intuitive level this appeared to reflect some of my own leanings. I also liked his unpretentious writing style. The revealing of the hierarchy of concepts and ideas experienced while tripping resembles a kind of leakage from the subconscious. I do find that the deeper I go, the broader the catgories of phenomena and archetypes become, until a kind of unity of being is sensed. This is where I have to retain a slightly mystic element in my own conception. If you've read this far, I humbly encourage you to carry on a little more at least.
I have lots of popular science books and a few more heavier. I can handle a little maths with my leisured enquiry. I had a really good bash at 'A brief history of time' but had to acknowled defeat at about halfway. I love Richard Feynmann, whose little paperback lecture bits have given me great pleasure and moments of really tangible clarity about matters of a nonintuitive nature. I like Dawkins' books, though his hard line seems a little unnecessary to my sentiment. I entertained the possibility that he might be the agent of a benevolent God, sent to steer the good ship Humanity away from the rocks of idiocy. I would love to put that to him sometime. I tend to default to believe in an ingrained God being quite often, brought up as I was C. of E. However, I feel quite at liberty to doubt in the main, a property of the enquiring mind I was given. It might even be a holy duty.
What I'm saying is that I have absolute faith in science to hypothetically explain everything external to consciousness(Given, perhaps an infiniteley long piece of ticker tape in the metaphorical Turing machine and the rest of time). It also will conquer the mystery of the computational magic silently and efficiently taking place between our ears at all times. The point where these potentially explainable phenomenon of reality interface with the little dude in the cockpit looking out - (I, Me, You) - seems to be the exceptional phenomenon. All biological phenomena appear ultimately accounted for by processes of evolution (informed by some of the newer refinements to Darwin's model). However the evolutionary necessity of consciousness is not clearly determined. The thought experiment of Zombies comes to mind. It would be hypothetically possible to imagine a nonconscious brain being able perform all the survival jobs of a conscious brain, but without the 'me' jumping in and declaring "I did that" all the time. I do seem to be mainly conscious most of the time, although that may not appear to be the case to my Mrs sometimes. Cogito Ergo. What reason is there for the privilege it is to hitch a conscious ride on this splendid body thing I find myself looking out from. . . A divine gift? Now I'm getting mystical.
When deeply altered, it occurs to me that my conscious mind space is a three dimensional void into which anything goes. I am not so much directly creating the content, rather it appears to burst into awareness under its own occasionally astounding force, such as with vapourised DMT. There is a vibrance and vital intensity in the experience which hints at the possible immortality of consciousness. I have no material evidence for such speculation. You never get to bring any magical data back, like next weeks pool results or an undiscovered sequence of prime numbers. But the feeling is of having been tantalisingly close to the singularity where everything always is all together as one.
All these speculations say little about the external world. They are manifestations of my own grande set and setting as much as anyone else's. That's roughly where I am with it all.
PTO continued. .
Either side of the chimney breast are two columns of book shelves holding about a third of my library. These are the ones I like to dip into occasionally, or to remind me of what I've read. I smoke too much weed to really remember everything, so if I am thinking about a topic, I'll have to reach for some tome or other to put myself straight. They are arranged according to topic area mostly but some of the big pictorial books have to go on the big shelf at the bottom. I've read all of them there, except for maybe the newest aquisitions which I am cueing up.
I tend to keep my more obscure books high up in order not to alarm curious visitors. I have a big set of books about psychedelics. That category does not really do them justice. They range from rational scientific analysis to the mystical and all shades in between. This is my problem. I have read up on both sides
of the arguments but find myself edging towards the sceptical with regard to the mystical end. I am convinced of the utility of psychedelic experience at some psycho-spiritual level. But, I tend not to subscribe gurus or want to subsume the things I have observed to the ideas of another.
I have one Terrence McKenna book on the shelf, (The Archaic Revival), a kind of sampler. I've heard a few of his lectures and like his eloquence on matters that for most us are hard to integrate and describe. However I do not subscribe to his particular personal rationale of them. His self transforming machine elves did not seem apparent when I first got a proper hit of DMT. However I later began to see how I could overlay my own experience on top of the features McKenna describes. In my heart I felt that this was more about the plasticity of the experiential data, than the absolute truth of his interpretation. To be honest, his inter-stellar internet type scenarios are to my mind manifestations of his hopes and aspirations for the future of mankind. There I do not blame him. I frequently entertain simillar thought experiments myself when under the influence.
If a friend asked for a good book to start finding out about psychelics, I'd send them to Daniel Pinchbeck's 'Breaking Open The Head'. Here someone of a more sceptical standoint than myself finds his concept of reality and spirituality broadened through a variety of materials. It's exciting vivid stuff at times, and was the spark of interest for me. I ordered P/Tihkal and began to get stuck in. Reading these (OK the fictionalised biographical sections + the reports then later, other bits) I felt a tinge of jealousy at the fortune of those who had tasted these substances, alongside a kind of sadness at the seeming impossibility of obtaining them. However, the lively online discussion these drugs suggested to me that there was a hope. Soon after, I started googling obscure compound formuli names latching onto a small HK outfit who were expensive, but did send what they were paid for. Tha rest is partially documented in reports online. P/Tihkal are two that I like and reflect kinds of values I concur with.
I recently bought 'Journeys Into the Bright World' by Marcia Moore and her hubsband Howard Alltounian. Soon after beginning I realised that they were both fairly obsessed with astrology and I felt a kind of distance form. As though I expected all their accounts to be informed by a viewpoint to which I don't subscribe. The book was interesting and well written and I finished it. It was all the more poignant given that she eventually appears to have come to grief courtesey of her D.O.C. The book doesn't reflect my psychedelic sensibilities too much. Again, the vista is a manifestation of the authors' personal historical grande set and setting. Different to mine. I'm not trying to be difficult here, because I have to be willing to accept that I may be on the wrong track myself.
For a book that appealed more to my rational perceptions, I recommend 'Psychedelic Information Theory' by James L. Kent. It is as rigorous as any sincere enquirer could be in applying understandable concepts to describe a possible mechanism by which normal consciousnes and the altered states might come about. His theory describes neurological processes and a brain wave based model to account for coherence and decoherence of experience. On some intuitive level this appeared to reflect some of my own leanings. I also liked his unpretentious writing style. The revealing of the hierarchy of concepts and ideas experienced while tripping resembles a kind of leakage from the subconscious. I do find that the deeper I go, the broader the catgories of phenomena and archetypes become, until a kind of unity of being is sensed. This is where I have to retain a slightly mystic element in my own conception. If you've read this far, I humbly encourage you to carry on a little more at least.
I have lots of popular science books and a few more heavier. I can handle a little maths with my leisured enquiry. I had a really good bash at 'A brief history of time' but had to acknowled defeat at about halfway. I love Richard Feynmann, whose little paperback lecture bits have given me great pleasure and moments of really tangible clarity about matters of a nonintuitive nature. I like Dawkins' books, though his hard line seems a little unnecessary to my sentiment. I entertained the possibility that he might be the agent of a benevolent God, sent to steer the good ship Humanity away from the rocks of idiocy. I would love to put that to him sometime. I tend to default to believe in an ingrained God being quite often, brought up as I was C. of E. However, I feel quite at liberty to doubt in the main, a property of the enquiring mind I was given. It might even be a holy duty.
What I'm saying is that I have absolute faith in science to hypothetically explain everything external to consciousness(Given, perhaps an infiniteley long piece of ticker tape in the metaphorical Turing machine and the rest of time). It also will conquer the mystery of the computational magic silently and efficiently taking place between our ears at all times. The point where these potentially explainable phenomenon of reality interface with the little dude in the cockpit looking out - (I, Me, You) - seems to be the exceptional phenomenon. All biological phenomena appear ultimately accounted for by processes of evolution (informed by some of the newer refinements to Darwin's model). However the evolutionary necessity of consciousness is not clearly determined. The thought experiment of Zombies comes to mind. It would be hypothetically possible to imagine a nonconscious brain being able perform all the survival jobs of a conscious brain, but without the 'me' jumping in and declaring "I did that" all the time. I do seem to be mainly conscious most of the time, although that may not appear to be the case to my Mrs sometimes. Cogito Ergo. What reason is there for the privilege it is to hitch a conscious ride on this splendid body thing I find myself looking out from. . . A divine gift? Now I'm getting mystical.
When deeply altered, it occurs to me that my conscious mind space is a three dimensional void into which anything goes. I am not so much directly creating the content, rather it appears to burst into awareness under its own occasionally astounding force, such as with vapourised DMT. There is a vibrance and vital intensity in the experience which hints at the possible immortality of consciousness. I have no material evidence for such speculation. You never get to bring any magical data back, like next weeks pool results or an undiscovered sequence of prime numbers. But the feeling is of having been tantalisingly close to the singularity where everything always is all together as one.
All these speculations say little about the external world. They are manifestations of my own grande set and setting as much as anyone else's. That's roughly where I am with it all.
PTO continued. .
I have a thing for my shrink. However, I'm realistic and know that it's not happening because of ethics and other obvious reasons. I never let her know nor will I. I decided to stop going and move onto someone different without discussing it with her. I know this is normal and often called transference. However, I don't always think transference is the case. I've been to different therapists and shrinks and haven't felt that for them. So, I don't really think it's about this person listening to me. I have moved on which I think was the best move as I know she was able to tell I had a thing for her. Where my issue is, she helped me alot with things so I'm kind of bummed that I had to move on. Just wanting to get opinions as to whether you think this was a good move to not discuss it with her. I know this kind of thing happens alot. I just think there's no point in having the conversation as I'm just there to get meds. There's no time to work through the issue and it just seems pointless.
I have been doing practically nothing except watching movies for the last four days. Today, besides work, I had to present an integration of some free CRM running on ASP (yeah sure) for the company where I work.
I thought "wtf I'm still young" (26y) and decided to keep awake all the night before work searching for the damn CRM. I did 400mg Modafinil straight, a large bottle of coffee, and some phenylalanine pills (precusors to Dopamine).
I also did like 8mg 2C-E, half taken orally and half taken nasally.
Well, it took me like 4 hours, (plus I wasn't very focused, but I was very awake) but I found two CRM that could work. I jumped to the server and remotely installed the damn web apps. The first one didn't work, probably a database problem, I don't know, I couldn't trace the error, I'm still learning how IIS 7 works. Anyway, my heart was pumping up strong (I mean, I would put my fingers on my neck and felt the pulse, which obviously was fast, but also "strong", very strong), so I decided to take 1ug Clonidine, 75mg Lyrica and 1mg Xanax. It worked like a charm.
The second CRM worked, I would prefered the first one, it was more lite and like super open source, this was kinda open source too, but not really. Anyway, I configured the damn thing. Though the server was missing a lot of maintenance, the CRM for our company with oh my god, OUR LOGO!, was working well (although it was a little slow because, you know, in ASP.NET pages have to be compiled if not precompiled).
Whatever? btw, listening to awesome music all this time helped me a lot.
It was 3 AM. I was done with the work (well, I could continue, but the important part was working).
At 7.20 AM I had to wake up, dress, and go to work. What to do? keep awake or... try to sleep?
There was no way I could sleep on 400mg Modafinil and 8mg 2C-E... right? right?
Well, I know that if I had no sleep at all I would feel like a zombie during the day, so I tried to sleep. This is what I did:
I took 2mg Xanax, 75mg Lyrica, a hot tea, a cookie (only one), closed the windows, and put this little program that makes the sound of like it's raining outside in my iPhone.
Sleeping was impossible. I was still hard, so I take another 2mg Xanax, 1mg of it sub lingually (the taste was horrible, but I have tasted worse things
).
The tension of my whole body was decreasing, but my mind was still strongly focused on things because of the 2C-E (not Modafinil, I could definitely feel it). No matter what I would think about, I would not sleep.
So for the sake of trying, I strongly focused my mind in the sound of the falling rain. I thought I was at this house in the mountains and outside was very cold and raining. Honestly, my mind went with the flow faster than I expected, I began to felt more and more relaxed. I could not believe it, was this the power of the mind toying with the 2C-E?
Well, around 3.30AM was the last time I remember looking up. I wake up super ultra relaxed with my heart rate perfect (not my muscles tough) at 5.50 AM.
I was so happy, I achieved slept like 2 hours or something, take that stims, take that 2C-E! I want to think I fooled the drug, I like to think it works in some way that when I focused in something so relaxing as rain falling it temporarily moved all my worries and thoughts to a temporal folder in my brain.
And why I'm so sure about this? well, the raining program was programmed to automatically work only 1 hour 45 minutes. More or less the time I slept.
Maybe I'm still high on 2C-E, I don't know, I somewhat feel something funny in my head, but... who knows 8)
Well, my work being done, and me with 1.5-2 hours of sleep was enough to make me really happy. I tried to sleep a little more, but my neck was killing me (as I said, my muscles never relaxed completely).
So, I wake up, take 400mg Modafinil more, 1mg Xanax, some phenylalanine pills, a Coffee pill, some Pepsi, and a cookie.
And I began writing this without problem whatsoever.
I'll post this now, though I'll update it later and write how I did during the day.
I'll probably have to take 200mg more Modafinil, and lots of Coffee -including Red Bull and that shit-. And maybe some 2C-E more before going to work to extend the duration of the Modafinil.
Well, I think it was an interesting post, toying with the 2C-E on Modafinil to sleep, and achieving it. The reason, the rain falling and all that mind playing.
Hope the day goes fine...
Peace!
...I'm back! alive and kicking it!
I had an excellent day at work, too good in fact. I completed some tasks I had many troubles since weeks ago. I did take 6mg 2C-E orally in the morning before going to work, and 200mg Modafinil more in the afternoon, which helped me to stay awake but wasn't very intense. But it worked.
Everything was almost perfect. I wish all days would be like these... or not.. anyway, I am scoring some Codeine in an hour so I will enjoy myself as it corresponds with some Xanax and Lyrica
Peace!!
I thought "wtf I'm still young" (26y) and decided to keep awake all the night before work searching for the damn CRM. I did 400mg Modafinil straight, a large bottle of coffee, and some phenylalanine pills (precusors to Dopamine).
I also did like 8mg 2C-E, half taken orally and half taken nasally.
Well, it took me like 4 hours, (plus I wasn't very focused, but I was very awake) but I found two CRM that could work. I jumped to the server and remotely installed the damn web apps. The first one didn't work, probably a database problem, I don't know, I couldn't trace the error, I'm still learning how IIS 7 works. Anyway, my heart was pumping up strong (I mean, I would put my fingers on my neck and felt the pulse, which obviously was fast, but also "strong", very strong), so I decided to take 1ug Clonidine, 75mg Lyrica and 1mg Xanax. It worked like a charm.
The second CRM worked, I would prefered the first one, it was more lite and like super open source, this was kinda open source too, but not really. Anyway, I configured the damn thing. Though the server was missing a lot of maintenance, the CRM for our company with oh my god, OUR LOGO!, was working well (although it was a little slow because, you know, in ASP.NET pages have to be compiled if not precompiled).
Whatever? btw, listening to awesome music all this time helped me a lot.
It was 3 AM. I was done with the work (well, I could continue, but the important part was working).
At 7.20 AM I had to wake up, dress, and go to work. What to do? keep awake or... try to sleep?
There was no way I could sleep on 400mg Modafinil and 8mg 2C-E... right? right?
Well, I know that if I had no sleep at all I would feel like a zombie during the day, so I tried to sleep. This is what I did:
I took 2mg Xanax, 75mg Lyrica, a hot tea, a cookie (only one), closed the windows, and put this little program that makes the sound of like it's raining outside in my iPhone.
Sleeping was impossible. I was still hard, so I take another 2mg Xanax, 1mg of it sub lingually (the taste was horrible, but I have tasted worse things
). The tension of my whole body was decreasing, but my mind was still strongly focused on things because of the 2C-E (not Modafinil, I could definitely feel it). No matter what I would think about, I would not sleep.
So for the sake of trying, I strongly focused my mind in the sound of the falling rain. I thought I was at this house in the mountains and outside was very cold and raining. Honestly, my mind went with the flow faster than I expected, I began to felt more and more relaxed. I could not believe it, was this the power of the mind toying with the 2C-E?
Well, around 3.30AM was the last time I remember looking up. I wake up super ultra relaxed with my heart rate perfect (not my muscles tough) at 5.50 AM.
I was so happy, I achieved slept like 2 hours or something, take that stims, take that 2C-E! I want to think I fooled the drug, I like to think it works in some way that when I focused in something so relaxing as rain falling it temporarily moved all my worries and thoughts to a temporal folder in my brain.
And why I'm so sure about this? well, the raining program was programmed to automatically work only 1 hour 45 minutes. More or less the time I slept.
Maybe I'm still high on 2C-E, I don't know, I somewhat feel something funny in my head, but... who knows 8)
Well, my work being done, and me with 1.5-2 hours of sleep was enough to make me really happy. I tried to sleep a little more, but my neck was killing me (as I said, my muscles never relaxed completely).
So, I wake up, take 400mg Modafinil more, 1mg Xanax, some phenylalanine pills, a Coffee pill, some Pepsi, and a cookie.
And I began writing this without problem whatsoever.
I'll post this now, though I'll update it later and write how I did during the day.
I'll probably have to take 200mg more Modafinil, and lots of Coffee -including Red Bull and that shit-. And maybe some 2C-E more before going to work to extend the duration of the Modafinil.
Well, I think it was an interesting post, toying with the 2C-E on Modafinil to sleep, and achieving it. The reason, the rain falling and all that mind playing.
Hope the day goes fine...
Peace!
...I'm back! alive and kicking it!
I had an excellent day at work, too good in fact. I completed some tasks I had many troubles since weeks ago. I did take 6mg 2C-E orally in the morning before going to work, and 200mg Modafinil more in the afternoon, which helped me to stay awake but wasn't very intense. But it worked.
Everything was almost perfect. I wish all days would be like these... or not.. anyway, I am scoring some Codeine in an hour so I will enjoy myself as it corresponds with some Xanax and Lyrica
Peace!!
Lately I've been burning bridges once again. Why? Because I care about drugs more than anything else at this point. All I want to do is get high or drunk until one day its all over and inside I keep hoping for that day to be soon... Even though I know I should say fuck it all and keep on living the right way because what I am doing now is not living at all. I'm slowly killing myself each day and all I want to know is why don't I care? My mother confronted my friend and I today about our drinking and use of drugs... Well that ended up with me yelling at her and causing her to cry, she even left the house. It was pretty bad and the sad thing is I know I'm in the wrong but I won't ever admit that to her. I should be happy she cares but instead I'm a selfish bitch who treats her own mother like shit when she doesn't deserve to be treated that way.
Also my best friend who I consider my sister has been distant these past days. I even texted her and shit but she never replied or answered my calls. I finally called her today and she told me how much she is worried about me... How she thought I was done with doing stupid shit. Also how she even thought about not being friends with me and my other friend (the one who I tend to do a lot of dumb shit with/one my mom confronted). She told me she wants me to stop because she doesn't want me to die. She told me she doesn't understand why I didn't think twice about my actions especially after I got a gun pulled out on me. She also told me she knows that I'm only going to stop when I want to and that I'm going to keep on doing what I want and that she will accept that but doesn't know if she can be my friend anymore if I do.
So of course I lied. I told her I want to and will stop with stupid shit. I also lied and said that I wasn't being serious about how I think I'm going to die soon.... The truth though is that I don't want to stop. I'm not going to stop, at least not now but she doesn't need to know that. So I told her that I will see her tomorrow and we can talk about everything. She was happy with what I said but I feel terrible because I'm lying to my best friend and she doesn't even know. I consider her my sister and we've been through so much shit but I still decide to lie to her. I still choose to possibly compromise this amazing friendship just because I want to get high. She even told me I know where this is going to end if I continue on with using and that all my friends will be gone and I'm not even going to have family there for me... And of course I know she's right but that's still not going to stop me. I told her if I lose her then I know I'm definitely going to be dead by 21... Honestly my friends are the reason why I'm still here but each day I get closer and closer to losing them which makes me wonder why I'm still using drugs then?
I get closer and closer to losing everything I have and all the people I love. I'm losing my dreams and ambitions. I'm losing the meaning of why I'm here. Instead I use and watch time pass by before my eyes. Time that I can never get back. Moments and memories I will never have because I'm out getting high or sleeping away the days and nights. I'm not sure what I expect to come out of this because clearly nothing will. So I hope I can fix up this mess I created.. Get out of this hole I dug but I feel like there's no point in trying right now. I feel as if it will be pointless because I don't necessarily want to get clean just yet. Something is still telling me to continue doing what I'm doing and then I hear another thing saying stop now. So until I only hear that voice telling me to stop I'm not going to bother because I can force myself to stop using or go to na meetings (like a friend suggested/well was telling me to go to today and I lied and said I would but I didn't lol) but I'm not going to because I know I will just fall back into the same old habits eventually. I know that because the voice saying continue on, fuck life, is going to still be there. I know they say it will always be there but right now its louder than normal and I'm still not strong enough to say no to it.
And until I'm ready to do that I'll keep doing what I'm doing. I can't lie to myself and make myself believe I can just stop now because I can't; I don't want to. Hopefully I can keep myself alive and not burn anymore bridges before I can attempt to get my life in order. Just hopefully....but even then if I do then it will probably just make leaving even more easier.
Also my best friend who I consider my sister has been distant these past days. I even texted her and shit but she never replied or answered my calls. I finally called her today and she told me how much she is worried about me... How she thought I was done with doing stupid shit. Also how she even thought about not being friends with me and my other friend (the one who I tend to do a lot of dumb shit with/one my mom confronted). She told me she wants me to stop because she doesn't want me to die. She told me she doesn't understand why I didn't think twice about my actions especially after I got a gun pulled out on me. She also told me she knows that I'm only going to stop when I want to and that I'm going to keep on doing what I want and that she will accept that but doesn't know if she can be my friend anymore if I do.
So of course I lied. I told her I want to and will stop with stupid shit. I also lied and said that I wasn't being serious about how I think I'm going to die soon.... The truth though is that I don't want to stop. I'm not going to stop, at least not now but she doesn't need to know that. So I told her that I will see her tomorrow and we can talk about everything. She was happy with what I said but I feel terrible because I'm lying to my best friend and she doesn't even know. I consider her my sister and we've been through so much shit but I still decide to lie to her. I still choose to possibly compromise this amazing friendship just because I want to get high. She even told me I know where this is going to end if I continue on with using and that all my friends will be gone and I'm not even going to have family there for me... And of course I know she's right but that's still not going to stop me. I told her if I lose her then I know I'm definitely going to be dead by 21... Honestly my friends are the reason why I'm still here but each day I get closer and closer to losing them which makes me wonder why I'm still using drugs then?
I get closer and closer to losing everything I have and all the people I love. I'm losing my dreams and ambitions. I'm losing the meaning of why I'm here. Instead I use and watch time pass by before my eyes. Time that I can never get back. Moments and memories I will never have because I'm out getting high or sleeping away the days and nights. I'm not sure what I expect to come out of this because clearly nothing will. So I hope I can fix up this mess I created.. Get out of this hole I dug but I feel like there's no point in trying right now. I feel as if it will be pointless because I don't necessarily want to get clean just yet. Something is still telling me to continue doing what I'm doing and then I hear another thing saying stop now. So until I only hear that voice telling me to stop I'm not going to bother because I can force myself to stop using or go to na meetings (like a friend suggested/well was telling me to go to today and I lied and said I would but I didn't lol) but I'm not going to because I know I will just fall back into the same old habits eventually. I know that because the voice saying continue on, fuck life, is going to still be there. I know they say it will always be there but right now its louder than normal and I'm still not strong enough to say no to it.
And until I'm ready to do that I'll keep doing what I'm doing. I can't lie to myself and make myself believe I can just stop now because I can't; I don't want to. Hopefully I can keep myself alive and not burn anymore bridges before I can attempt to get my life in order. Just hopefully....but even then if I do then it will probably just make leaving even more easier.
do you ever feel like time is moving but nothing else is? it's almost like i'm being filmed at 24 fps, while my surroundings are 1,000 fps. (camera reference) I get medication tomorrow for bi polar, which means my life is finally going to be perfect! NOT. well, at least i'll feel sort of better. But how does one cure laziness? I keep thinking of getting off the couch, but i have this paralyzing feeling in my chest that stops me. It's hard to explain unless you know what depression is. Sleeping til 2 pm and insomnia keeping you up until 4 am. Xbox live is my only form of entertainment besides learning about conspiracy theories.
I keep thinking there's gotta be a way to motivate my mind, convince it life outside of this 2,400 square foot box is worth seeing. That it's better than netflix, porn and ableton live. This girl i went to school with is my neighbor and she comes home around 6:30 every night. She texts me every saturday night seeing if i'm doing anything but usually it's just "sitting around. how about you?" I'm no expert on the female sex, but that is gonna be a giant turn off. So i think, what could i text her that would make her want to come over? She's so nice, it's not like i'd have to write "i'm having a heartattack, help!", but maybe something i am working on would catch her attention. My conspiracy novel is underway, and it's one hope. I just can't get bored of it and stop, like EVERY thing i've started on. I tend to give up easy, a dreamy trait. She is something i can work with as a friend, as i have burnt every bridge in this town worth walking on.
Friday i am taking a trip to Hutchinson with my mother to go see a herbal specialist, or whatever you call them. Maybe to get some herbal energy pills, different than the ones i used to take i'm sure (adderal, cocaine). Still clean from EVERY drug though, going on two weeks. I'm entertaining the thought of narcotics annonymous, although i do not want to make any friends from the groups. My aunt who has her phd in psychology wants to see me every sunday for an hour or two. This is a weird thing though because i've never opened up to my family like my shrinks.
Random thought, who wouldn't wanna date a girl like kaylee from Serenity. perfect personality.
anyways, no more thoughts. Just another day of failed ambition, hoping to turn it around tomorrow. I still have my five goals, and so far number 1 and 2 are attainable soon. will keep writing when i have something i feel like writing.
I keep thinking there's gotta be a way to motivate my mind, convince it life outside of this 2,400 square foot box is worth seeing. That it's better than netflix, porn and ableton live. This girl i went to school with is my neighbor and she comes home around 6:30 every night. She texts me every saturday night seeing if i'm doing anything but usually it's just "sitting around. how about you?" I'm no expert on the female sex, but that is gonna be a giant turn off. So i think, what could i text her that would make her want to come over? She's so nice, it's not like i'd have to write "i'm having a heartattack, help!", but maybe something i am working on would catch her attention. My conspiracy novel is underway, and it's one hope. I just can't get bored of it and stop, like EVERY thing i've started on. I tend to give up easy, a dreamy trait. She is something i can work with as a friend, as i have burnt every bridge in this town worth walking on.
Friday i am taking a trip to Hutchinson with my mother to go see a herbal specialist, or whatever you call them. Maybe to get some herbal energy pills, different than the ones i used to take i'm sure (adderal, cocaine). Still clean from EVERY drug though, going on two weeks. I'm entertaining the thought of narcotics annonymous, although i do not want to make any friends from the groups. My aunt who has her phd in psychology wants to see me every sunday for an hour or two. This is a weird thing though because i've never opened up to my family like my shrinks.
Random thought, who wouldn't wanna date a girl like kaylee from Serenity. perfect personality.
anyways, no more thoughts. Just another day of failed ambition, hoping to turn it around tomorrow. I still have my five goals, and so far number 1 and 2 are attainable soon. will keep writing when i have something i feel like writing.
So I've been off all opiates now for... get this... 7 days. One week. It's been the longest week of my life. I'm having a monetary dry spell. Only 9 more days till I can get a script for 5/325 Percocets. Not the best fucking thing on the planet but I will fucking take it like whoa. I'm feeling so isolated because I don't have a fucking phone at the moment. I couldn't afford to pay the bill because I spent all my money on oxycodone. Although... do I really want to start down this path again?
I know exactly what happens. I'll have the pills for a week or 10 days, if I'm lucky. Feel good and normal and get shit done. Walk my dogs, clean my house, wash my hair. Then I'll get some money and buy as many 30mg Roxi IRs as I can "afford" (which usually ends up being way more than I can afford). I'll snort them, stay up all night writing, watch television like it was going out of style, be able to cook for my family and just nod on the couch (which needs replacing, but who can afford that?) "with" them but not really being there.
But most importantly, I will be "happy" again.
Then, somehow, all my money will be gone. It'll be 2 weeks into March and then I'll have to while away the sickness. I'll feel better after about 3 days, almost normal after a week. Then I'll be stuck in this fantastic depression/anxiety/boredom fest that won't go away no matter what. We'll struggle to pay for food and electricity and cable and internet and phones and credit cards and student loans.
I'll spend way too much time online and smoke way too much pot and eat way too much food. I'll write pages and pages of nonsense anywhere I can. I'll apply for jobs but not get any call backs. If I do get a call back, I'll get all my hopes up and bomb the interview. I'll contemplate getting a Certificate in some sort of field I'm somewhat interested in, either Pharmacy Tech or Vet Tech or some sort of fucking peripherally "medical" Tech.
My girlfriend will be happy that I'm sober and trying to get my shit together but also angry that I'm not willing to do anything involving leaving the house unless I absolutely have to. Our intimacy is really lacking at the moment and it's all my fault. It's like I can't have sex without being at least drunk. Nowadays alcohol doesn't really agree with my stomach unless I am on opioids. Pot just makes me lazy and I'm developing, believe or not, a pretty fucking decent tolerance. Oh, and of course there is the Klonopin. It's the best and worst thing that's happened to me and I am too afraid to get off of it.
I love my girlfriend. It's not her. She thinks it's because I'm not attracted to her. But it's been the same with everyone I've been with. I'm fairly asexual when sober. I don't have the drive. Drugs, yes. Sex, not so much. I think the lack of sex and being broke all the time is taking its toll on us. To be completely frank.
I know she'll stick by me. She's never given me an ultimatum or anything. She was actually born addicted to heroin. Her mom was a prostitute and her dad died in jail. She has a half-brother somewhere but the adoption records are sealed. Her mom died when she was 16, 3 years before my mom died. She's had an alcohol problem but so did I, when we were in high school. We were drinking buddies way before we got into a relationship. Apparently she had a thing for me since we met, but I was playing the straight thing at the time. She was one of the few people who I stayed in touch with after graduating. By the time we got together, she was the first woman I'd ever been with. It was weird but it felt right. Now, 5 years later, it still feels right. I'd marry her in a heartbeat now that it's legal here if I was in a better spot in my life. I'd have children with her, somehow. Probably adoption. There are plenty of children who need a home and caring parents, why bring another soul into this world?
That's one thing I contemplate a lot. Although parents bring life into the world, they also damn the child to death, essentially. Because everything that lives has to die. I feel like if I ever had a biological child, I'd be sentencing it to pain, misery and eventually death. Not while it was a baby, of course, but through those shitty awkward years. And with my genes, it's likely the child would have some sort of disposition for addiction or mental illness. I'd be one of those neurotic moms that never lets their child go anywhere alone. I'd dress my child in knee pads, elbow pads and a helmet and kevlar just to walk to school. I'd never let them out of the house without me. It would just not be good. I know I say that now, without any experience with children and I'll hopefully change my mind before I get too old to have children. But I have to get myself together first. And God knows how long that will take. I will stick with babies of the canine variety for the foreseeable future.
Then, I'll see my psychiatrist and lament how the pills aren't working anymore (I'm supposed to be on Wellbutrin and Cymbalta in addition to the Klonopin but we know how that goes) and he'll just tell me to keep trying in therapy. I'll see my therapist and either open up and cry like a baby or sit there staring at the clock while making small-talk about whatever. Maybe I'm making progress? It's not like they tell you. They just kick you out and schedule the next appointment.
I've got a tissue stuck up my nose because there seems to be a leak. My brother got sick, then I got sick, then my girlfriend got sick. So we're a happy family, indeed.
I know exactly what happens. I'll have the pills for a week or 10 days, if I'm lucky. Feel good and normal and get shit done. Walk my dogs, clean my house, wash my hair. Then I'll get some money and buy as many 30mg Roxi IRs as I can "afford" (which usually ends up being way more than I can afford). I'll snort them, stay up all night writing, watch television like it was going out of style, be able to cook for my family and just nod on the couch (which needs replacing, but who can afford that?) "with" them but not really being there.
But most importantly, I will be "happy" again.
Then, somehow, all my money will be gone. It'll be 2 weeks into March and then I'll have to while away the sickness. I'll feel better after about 3 days, almost normal after a week. Then I'll be stuck in this fantastic depression/anxiety/boredom fest that won't go away no matter what. We'll struggle to pay for food and electricity and cable and internet and phones and credit cards and student loans.
I'll spend way too much time online and smoke way too much pot and eat way too much food. I'll write pages and pages of nonsense anywhere I can. I'll apply for jobs but not get any call backs. If I do get a call back, I'll get all my hopes up and bomb the interview. I'll contemplate getting a Certificate in some sort of field I'm somewhat interested in, either Pharmacy Tech or Vet Tech or some sort of fucking peripherally "medical" Tech.
My girlfriend will be happy that I'm sober and trying to get my shit together but also angry that I'm not willing to do anything involving leaving the house unless I absolutely have to. Our intimacy is really lacking at the moment and it's all my fault. It's like I can't have sex without being at least drunk. Nowadays alcohol doesn't really agree with my stomach unless I am on opioids. Pot just makes me lazy and I'm developing, believe or not, a pretty fucking decent tolerance. Oh, and of course there is the Klonopin. It's the best and worst thing that's happened to me and I am too afraid to get off of it.
I love my girlfriend. It's not her. She thinks it's because I'm not attracted to her. But it's been the same with everyone I've been with. I'm fairly asexual when sober. I don't have the drive. Drugs, yes. Sex, not so much. I think the lack of sex and being broke all the time is taking its toll on us. To be completely frank.
I know she'll stick by me. She's never given me an ultimatum or anything. She was actually born addicted to heroin. Her mom was a prostitute and her dad died in jail. She has a half-brother somewhere but the adoption records are sealed. Her mom died when she was 16, 3 years before my mom died. She's had an alcohol problem but so did I, when we were in high school. We were drinking buddies way before we got into a relationship. Apparently she had a thing for me since we met, but I was playing the straight thing at the time. She was one of the few people who I stayed in touch with after graduating. By the time we got together, she was the first woman I'd ever been with. It was weird but it felt right. Now, 5 years later, it still feels right. I'd marry her in a heartbeat now that it's legal here if I was in a better spot in my life. I'd have children with her, somehow. Probably adoption. There are plenty of children who need a home and caring parents, why bring another soul into this world?
That's one thing I contemplate a lot. Although parents bring life into the world, they also damn the child to death, essentially. Because everything that lives has to die. I feel like if I ever had a biological child, I'd be sentencing it to pain, misery and eventually death. Not while it was a baby, of course, but through those shitty awkward years. And with my genes, it's likely the child would have some sort of disposition for addiction or mental illness. I'd be one of those neurotic moms that never lets their child go anywhere alone. I'd dress my child in knee pads, elbow pads and a helmet and kevlar just to walk to school. I'd never let them out of the house without me. It would just not be good. I know I say that now, without any experience with children and I'll hopefully change my mind before I get too old to have children. But I have to get myself together first. And God knows how long that will take. I will stick with babies of the canine variety for the foreseeable future.
Then, I'll see my psychiatrist and lament how the pills aren't working anymore (I'm supposed to be on Wellbutrin and Cymbalta in addition to the Klonopin but we know how that goes) and he'll just tell me to keep trying in therapy. I'll see my therapist and either open up and cry like a baby or sit there staring at the clock while making small-talk about whatever. Maybe I'm making progress? It's not like they tell you. They just kick you out and schedule the next appointment.
I've got a tissue stuck up my nose because there seems to be a leak. My brother got sick, then I got sick, then my girlfriend got sick. So we're a happy family, indeed.
I was 4.5 yrs through college, exactly 1 year away from a degree in something i have no passion for, radio/tv/film. My minor is english, also something i have no passion for. As a matter of fact, the only passion i have is for drugs right now. This is why i gotta stop, and try to fix my mind. I am bi-polar, ADHD and the survival of a suicide attempt 4 years ago. Since then, I have only dove downhill into drugs and wasting my loans and money. I am 6 days clean of marijuana, my DOC, and attempting to get Bi polar meds and get back to "normal". Sorry, not get back to, finally know what it's like to be normal.
Bi polar is a rollercoaster. Takes me high above everything yet brings me to hell. I was so sick of the way things were going, I quit my good job at buffalo wild wings and dropped all my classes. It's time to go home and get rid of this sick part of me. A sick part that wears my pain on my sleeve. I enjoy what most fear, and it's not my true personality.
In truth, i am kind of a pussy. I cry because I cannot take emotions. I sulk and pout because I do not have the confidence and future that attracts women. I know i am good looking. I would have to be to get Brooke, my ex, to even consider dating my fucked up ass. She looked past the drugs and failures and saw a man who loved her.
I am forgetting her because i can't afford to think about the things i've mucked up in the past.
This friday I will return home. 350 miles. I will move in with my mom and try to find a full time job in the middle of nowhere. Typical challenge that I will pass and think nothing of. I am just too hard on myself. I know it's not me, it's my disease. Some things in life just can't be fixed without help, and i'm about to get all the help I can ask for. I will be documenting my recovery from marijuana and getting my life back together.
My goals are as followed.
1. Get treatment for bi polar and see improvements in my happiness, motivation and ability to live my life.
2. To find a good enough job that I can start paying off almost 55 K in student loans I am in debt for.
3. To fix my drug problem and stay off ALL drugs, not just marijuana.
4. To make real friends, instead of drug using buddies who only care if you have bud or not.
5. To find a woman that I can love. Something i've only had once.
to quote bud light, here we go!
Bi polar is a rollercoaster. Takes me high above everything yet brings me to hell. I was so sick of the way things were going, I quit my good job at buffalo wild wings and dropped all my classes. It's time to go home and get rid of this sick part of me. A sick part that wears my pain on my sleeve. I enjoy what most fear, and it's not my true personality.
In truth, i am kind of a pussy. I cry because I cannot take emotions. I sulk and pout because I do not have the confidence and future that attracts women. I know i am good looking. I would have to be to get Brooke, my ex, to even consider dating my fucked up ass. She looked past the drugs and failures and saw a man who loved her.
I am forgetting her because i can't afford to think about the things i've mucked up in the past.
This friday I will return home. 350 miles. I will move in with my mom and try to find a full time job in the middle of nowhere. Typical challenge that I will pass and think nothing of. I am just too hard on myself. I know it's not me, it's my disease. Some things in life just can't be fixed without help, and i'm about to get all the help I can ask for. I will be documenting my recovery from marijuana and getting my life back together.
My goals are as followed.
1. Get treatment for bi polar and see improvements in my happiness, motivation and ability to live my life.
2. To find a good enough job that I can start paying off almost 55 K in student loans I am in debt for.
3. To fix my drug problem and stay off ALL drugs, not just marijuana.
4. To make real friends, instead of drug using buddies who only care if you have bud or not.
5. To find a woman that I can love. Something i've only had once.
to quote bud light, here we go!
Got through day 2 of my withdrawals, this is in my attempt to get properly through a detox so I can use recreationally without suffering this every time.
The last time I had sex was last summer. After that I had a shit load of drama kick off so I didn't think about it. Then I discovered opiates. So safe to say I've barely had a sex drive for quite a while, which is new to me and sober I crave it daily, several times preferably.
Today my sex drive started to return, and the frustration begins as, as much as I would love to I don't have anyone in my life that I want to screw that I can call and invite over. Masturbation actually managed to make me worse as I haven't done that in weeks either from what was once an everyday habit.
Kinda makes me wish I could just get high.
The last time I had sex was last summer. After that I had a shit load of drama kick off so I didn't think about it. Then I discovered opiates. So safe to say I've barely had a sex drive for quite a while, which is new to me and sober I crave it daily, several times preferably.
Today my sex drive started to return, and the frustration begins as, as much as I would love to I don't have anyone in my life that I want to screw that I can call and invite over. Masturbation actually managed to make me worse as I haven't done that in weeks either from what was once an everyday habit.
Kinda makes me wish I could just get high.
Between the constant tossing and turning and kicking and screaming at the bed and wall, I did not sleep for two seconds last night, even under the influence of ridiculous doses of every lesser sedative in the house... It's funny, cause once I get out of bed, it's at least bearable. Opiate withdrawal is the EXACT opposite of how the high feels. Instead of pain relief, relaxation and euphoria, there's pain, anxiety and madness.
Ya know? I could just keep going like this for just a fewwww more days ... and be done with it.
However ... I'm supposed to be getting a $2,000 insurance settlement check in the mail today. I know what will happen. I'll spend $1,500 of it on roxies, they'll be gone within two weeks at most, and then I'll be in a REAL world of hurt... I know what I'm going through now isn't even a fifth of how bad it really COULD be... So why do I keep doing this? My dad tells me that I'm trying to fill some kind of void in my life, and that the only thing that can truly fill that void is Jesus Christ...
I know this may just sound like junkie denial, (and in all honesty it probably is,) but I am not trying to fill some kind of void with opiates... I just like getting high! It feels better than not being high does! "People think it's all about misery, and desperation, and death, and all that shite, which is not to be ignored... But, what they forget ... is the pleasure of it... Otherwise, we wouldn't do it!"
... I don't know. I really am tired of this cycle. Three years now, I've had this demon on my shoulder... And I'm to the point where it's just exhausting me... I've tried Suboxone, I've tried cold turkey, I've tried tapering, kratom, loperamide, I don't know what else to do...
Fuck it, man... I chose this road I've gone down. I knew damn well what I was getting into back then. I did a lot of research and educated myself on opiates before I ever even touched one. They fascinated me. I KNEW what I was getting into... I didn't care. I didn't care then, and I really don't care now to be honest... I'm just ... tired of it...
Ya know? I could just keep going like this for just a fewwww more days ... and be done with it.
However ... I'm supposed to be getting a $2,000 insurance settlement check in the mail today. I know what will happen. I'll spend $1,500 of it on roxies, they'll be gone within two weeks at most, and then I'll be in a REAL world of hurt... I know what I'm going through now isn't even a fifth of how bad it really COULD be... So why do I keep doing this? My dad tells me that I'm trying to fill some kind of void in my life, and that the only thing that can truly fill that void is Jesus Christ...
I know this may just sound like junkie denial, (and in all honesty it probably is,) but I am not trying to fill some kind of void with opiates... I just like getting high! It feels better than not being high does! "People think it's all about misery, and desperation, and death, and all that shite, which is not to be ignored... But, what they forget ... is the pleasure of it... Otherwise, we wouldn't do it!"
... I don't know. I really am tired of this cycle. Three years now, I've had this demon on my shoulder... And I'm to the point where it's just exhausting me... I've tried Suboxone, I've tried cold turkey, I've tried tapering, kratom, loperamide, I don't know what else to do...
Fuck it, man... I chose this road I've gone down. I knew damn well what I was getting into back then. I did a lot of research and educated myself on opiates before I ever even touched one. They fascinated me. I KNEW what I was getting into... I didn't care. I didn't care then, and I really don't care now to be honest... I'm just ... tired of it...
I hate waiting on these unreliable motherfuckers... At this moment, I seem to just be living for that moment when my phone finally fucking rings with someone in possession of roxies on the other end of the line... I don't understand why these people have so much trouble filling a simple damn prescription, do all these pharmacies really not keep the things in stock?
I'm not really sick yet ... but just knowing that it's coming is making what little aches and irritability I do have that much worse... This $400 is burning a hole in my pocket. My god, I even searched a bill for leftover bits of powder from the last time I crushed one up... Yeah right, like I'd leave anything behind. Yes, I can hear myself. Yes, I think it's pathetic too...
Please phone, fucking ring already... Please, just give me a few more days of escape...
I'm not really sick yet ... but just knowing that it's coming is making what little aches and irritability I do have that much worse... This $400 is burning a hole in my pocket. My god, I even searched a bill for leftover bits of powder from the last time I crushed one up... Yeah right, like I'd leave anything behind. Yes, I can hear myself. Yes, I think it's pathetic too...
Please phone, fucking ring already... Please, just give me a few more days of escape...