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Ive come down with a cold. Yesterday my suboxone took care of the symptoms,but this morning when I woke up it was a lot worse.

I went downstairs to have breakfast and felt like fucking ending it right there. I wish I had the balls to have just run into my kitchen, pull out a steak knife, cut off my testicles and then sever my femoral arterie, and lay down on my back and watch the world slowly slip away. Ideally, an ambulance would come and attempt to rescue me. They'd shoot me up with morphine, but then there attempts at containing the blood loss would fail. And I'd die high.

I'm taking a biology class, and I have no idea why. Oh wait, yes I do. It's because if I take biology, my feeble mind thinks that then I will be able to take chemistry, and of course after one introductory course to chemistry, I will be able to synthesize methamphetamine, cocaine, and heroin in my bedroom. Who the fuck am I kidding.

So I got to class late, because my throat fucking hurt, and I couldn't get off my ass this morning. I had ten dollars in my pocket that was change from some money my mom gave me. I thought about using it to buy a bag a heroin and shoot the soar throat out of me, but I feared that one bag would not be enough, and my conscience was starting to weigh down on me, so I gave the money back to my mom. Am I proud of myself? I don't give a fuck.

After making some pretentious point about how science and art is heavily inter-connected, I left my school, and rode the train back into Brooklyn. I was surrounded by hideous fucking people. I mean, Jesus Christ they we're nasty, some real lord of the rings type trolls riding with me. And there was this Arab guy that got in around carrol street. He was young, dressed nicely, and had a laptop computer. I knew it was wrong but I was hoping that I was about to find myself in the center of an al Qaeda terrorism attack. I imagined the young man looking over at me, a fierce determination in his eyes, and then hed stand up screaming "ALLAH Ah'k bar!" (don't really know how to spell that properly). He'd rip off his shirt to reveal a homemade bomb strapped to his chest. I would have just enough time to think "god, I really don't want to die, it all makes so much sense!" and then the entire car would detonate, crushing my body against steel and bone.

So I got home alive, and I went upstairs into my room. I kept thinking about how I really just wanted to leave, just like how my friend did. But unlike him, I wouldn't leave some corny ass note with some ambiguous, possibly suicidal connotation. No, mine would just say this:

I have to leave New York, because this environment is not working for me.
I've never wanted to be sober, I've just done it for other people.
I don't intend on going on some mission of self destruction, I just got to get out of this fucking machine.

Does antone know what the conversion would be from 150 mcg's of Fentanyl patches every 3 days to Dilaudid ?????

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My parents' oldest of two daughters. I'm lucky my parents are still alive.
My sister's only sister. We are opposites.
My husband's second wife. We've been married 33 years.
My four children's mother. They are better adults than me.

I am 53. The last three years have been strange times and I have felt unfamiliar and at odds with my mind and my body. I have not had any dramatic crisis that I had to deal with nor have I suffered any major illness.

My husband is 64 and since his knee surgeries three years ago he has been unable to enjoy sex. He was an incredible lover once. There was no one else I wanted to lay with after the first time I laid with him. That was in 1978.

For the last three years he's suffered with constant pain, and added high blood pressure, diabetes, thyroid problems and obesity to his other health issues.

At the same time my husband's health started to decline, I entered menopause, blind and unaware. I read about it but never having experienced it, I didn't know what to expect. The Change of Life sounds fairly drastic. It is different for every woman but for some of us, it is a change unlike anything we have ever known. I realize now that calling it "the change" is putting it mildly.

The biggest change of life and one I did not read very much about in my menopause material was my desire for orgasms. My husband couldn't help and masturbating wasn't satisfying enough. I wanted sex so intensely that I felt strange inside my own skin. I had to handle it though. I had to have sexual intercourse.

Finding willing sexual partners was surprisingly easy. I met some amazing men and I had some great sex over the last few years. I told possible fuckbuddies that I was married, and I loved my husband, but he was disabled and unable. I never had any issue with love. I haven't loved any of my bodybuddies. I have appreciated the orgasms, to be sure. But my vagina isn't connected to my heart.

I am married to a good man. Thirty three years is a long time, longer than most of the Bluelight members have been alive. When our various health issues first manifested, we tried to keep having sex. He got Viagra and we kept trying. He was not enjoying it at all. He became extremely depressed, as anyone would under those circumstances. He couldn't make the beast with two backs anymore and THAT along with his other physical problems took his libido away from him completely.

He is retired, and disabled, and does not have any friends except for me and our kids. I don't think he wants friends actually. He does not like people in general, maybe that's why.

I am not retired, nor disabled, and have a lot of friends. I go visit people but people don't come visit me because my husband doesn't like to have company.

That worked out really well when I wanted sex because there was nothing out of the ordinary for me to tell my husband I was going to see Ann, Diane, Laura, Debbie, Sue, or whomever. I would go see a man instead, get what I needed, clean up quick, and go home. My friends don't come over and they don't call so I never got caught in a lie.

Some guys I had sex with only once, because if it didn't go well, I didn't ask for more.
Some guys I had sex with many times...surrendering to a man that had already proven his knowledge and skill was thrilling.

My body did not feel familiar to me anymore. Menopausal hormone swings changed my body chemistry and my brain functions. In my mind, I became a giant pink clitoris that could grab a man's dick and run off with it before the man knew what hit him.

If I had two or three hours of rigorous activity that included me cumming multiple times, my body was intensely satisfied. My mind was satisfied too because I felt I had accomplished something important. I was elated for hours after I was properly fucked.

I'm not ugly. Ugly is my name online but I'm not too bad-looking in person. When I felt attracted to a guy, I told him straight, and if he was attracted to me too, I would have him as soon as possible. I can't count the number of fucks I had in my car, but those were some hot, erotic, insane climaxes. My car isn't big, but if I pushed both front seats all the way forward and leaned those seatbacks forward, that made the back seat roomy enough to maneuver in a lot of ways. I ended up with footprints on the headliner more than once but I dustbustered them off each time.

Sometimes the man had his own place, and that was fantastic for me. Whenever I was free, I could call him and ask for some dick, and if he was free, I went over and got sexed up. I guess I had more sex in the last two or three years than I ever dreamed of having when I was a teenager.

I didn't want sex as much when I was a teenager... I wanted it, but not with the fierce cravings I have experienced the last couple of years. I didn't even know lechery was possible for a woman.

I didn't know or enjoy a lot when I was a teenager. I never thought about the male form when I was a kid, that's for sure.

Maybe that is why, when my hormones clicked into insanity overdrive, I discovered the beauty of a young man's body. After seeing an older man's body for a long, long time, all of a sudden I was seeing through new eyes. Looking at a nude twenty-four-year-old man's body...like candy for my eyes. I can't find the words to express the arousal I felt, the first time, and every time.

As a woman half a century old, I am fortunate that my looks have stayed such that I was allowed, invited, to ogle twenty-four-year-old flesh. What a piece of work is a man!! Smooth tight flesh that looked like marble and tasted like cookies. in form and moving how express and admirable... as he walked confidently across the room to the bed where I lay quiet and awestruck, admiring his form, and the moving of the form...in action how like an angel... he positioned himself above me. I was profoundly alive.

I was satisfied during those times and I also learned everything during those times. I discovered much about life that had not fully caught my attention. Now, Michelangelo's Statue of David is full of wondrous beauty for me. Now, I appreciate my vision. Now, I know how much ecstasy I can enjoy. (Not E pills. Actual ecstasy-the feeling of great joy, extreme pleasure.) Now my eyes are open, my body is awake, my mind is alert.

Now, menopause is almost part of my past. With it into my past go the men and the sex. My outrageous behavior has gone into the past. I do not hunger for sexual pleasure anymore. My needs are plebeian and easily dispatched. I have had odd thoughts that I shouldn't have thought, and I have experienced full pleasure which I should not have experienced. But I don't feel the guilt I should feel. My emotions now are mainly gratitude and appreciation.

So what am I now? A SLUT.
I know that people reading this may say so.

I am done fucking because whatever took me there brought me back. I'm not sorry it happened and I'm not sorry it is over.

I'm looking across the family room at my husband, asleep on the couch, and I am thankful for him just the way he is. I'm watching the fish in the aquarium, appreciating their quiet calm. I am not hungry or thirsty. I am without needs.

So I am asking no one, because no one knows.
What am I now?

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It’s Funny how I saved this photograph I found on someones tumblr a while back. I just knew one day I would want to reflect on this photo and its contents. When I initially saw it I couldn’t agree more. Now when I look at it in retrospect I still think it’s hilarious but also complete bogus. First off, nothing is impossible. Secondly, when having a very optimistic outlook on life this picture is counterproductive towards everything I currently stand for. I think when I first viewed this photograph it just instantly brought back memories of a darker era in my previous fuck up stage of life. However, at the same time was someway relevant to the current status of my life now. In this photo everything correlates to drug usage. The only reason why I feel that I could relate to this photo now is simply by the adding of ‘fattening’ and ‘expensive’. That I can relate to because for some odd reason, I chose the most expensive hobbies to get into. I couldn’t just pick up a skateboard and skate around town spending $100 or less. I chose photography. FUCKING expensive hobby and I was really not ready for the reality slap of how expensive parts for cameras could accumulate to. After photography I chose another FUCKING expensive hobby which is bicycling. I don’t know if Lance Armstrong had anything to do with my decision however the suspension of my California Drivers License was the reason why I picked up this hobby. Well, back to the reason why I feel that this photo is basically directed towards drug usage and drug users. “Everything I like is either ILLEGAL, IMMORAL, fattening, ADDICTIVE, expensive, or IMPOSSIBLE.” Drugs are illegal, immoral, fattening(munchies), addictive(duh), expensive(hell fucking yes), impossible(to get sometimes).

I look at this photo and I just grin cynically. I know what that path looks/feels like and it’s a path I am far, FAR away from ever stepping foot in again. Whether it is marijuana, E, or whatever an individual is using this photo just describes a drug addict. Earlier in my post I mentioned that nothing is impossible. Cliche? fuck you, move aside. I’ll just end this rant with stay optimistic, kind, and humble. Keep your eye on the prize and that prize could differ for every individual and change throughout time. Me specifically, becoming a Multimillionaire before 30 is my ultimate life goal. When I become a multimillionaire everything I like will not be illegal, immoral, addictive, or impossible; everything will be within ‘reach’. Happiness is awaiting me.

You got that right.

I am stuck in a very hard predicament. The predicament I am currently going through is hiring an interventionist to help my sister get off GBL/GHB. She has been a heavy user/addict of this substance for 7 years and she will not be able to get out of it alone. In order to hire an interventionist to come down to talk with my family and I in options for my sister to get clean and healthy its 3,700k. She told me that she has a 98% success rate in getting the patient to come to rehab but 3,700k for an interventionist to talk to my sister and get her to go to rehab which we also have to pay for is going to cost us a lot of money. Yes, I know money isn't an issue when it comes to saving my sisters life but times are rough right now. I just need some advice or help/guidance in hiring a interventionist is absolutely worth it. Is it something I can do myself? FUCKCasdjioasbhp

As you may or may not already know this past year has been a hectic one for me. From going through severe depression, my best friend and boyfriend of 5 years dying, living in an abusive home, being evicted, my mother being arrested, my sister and I running away, being sent to group homes and placements, homelessness, shelters and college dreams put off (not because of choice)..... Sounds like fun, right? Oh, how I wish I could look back and laugh about that all but there's no way I can do that now. Its so depressing reading my TDS thread back when this all happened.... Back when everything I had was taken away from me in the blink of an eye. My hope, my dreams and everything in between gone in a matter of seconds. So here I am now eighteen and laying in a bed that isn't mine; living in a place that will never be mine. Just another place that I will soon have to leave because I've never had a sense of security, so why would I have that now? This is transitional housing and sooner than later you're going to have to leave. This is nothing new to you.

This is how I always lived my life. My life was never easy and never did I expect it to be. I mean yes I did wish it could of been and I would love to have been born into a rich family or even a stable one but as you can see that's not what happened. What happened was I was born into a family with many problems, no security, a mother who tried but only was put down by my once abusive father, being also put down by an abusive father, going to foster care for a year because of your father and to only then end up being abused there, then coming back home, living what seemed to be a stable life but then back to abuse and evictions, back to a stable life, back to an unstable one.... The cycle just was never ending. Yet, throughout that all I had managed to still have dreams, hopes and aspirations. All this had made me strong, at least I thought it did.

Yet, here I am at age eighteen and I have finally broken down. How does this happen? After years of going strong even though everything around you was a mess. Its hard to believe the kid at age eight or ten was stronger than the kid I am now. I have finally broken. I can't seem to piece myself back together and the sad thing is I don't want to. I have finally reached the point in my life where I truly can say I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I've tried and I've tried but only to be let down once again. I really don't understand why I deserved this. Yes, I may have slipped up and used drugs at the age of fifteen but even before that my life was pretty much shit and after I started using it was still the same. Nothing had changed except for the false sense of happiness I had received from the self medication. So why even try anymore? That's what I've been doing for so long but nothing has come out of it, nothing at all.

I know I could go to college in the fall even though I should of already been in it... I know I can get back on my feet again and move out of this place. I know I can get clean because I have before but why do I no long want to do any of that? Why do I just want to say fuck it all and do nothing? Seriously at this point I'm not sure if I will make it to twenty one let alone nineteen and the sad thing is I'm okay with that. I'm okay with dying. I'm not going to take my own life but I know my actions now will surely increase my chances of doing so. The old me would of never allowed this to happen but who I once was is no longer who I am now.

And I keep hearing everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be okay but really is that true?

One step forward, two steps back.

What's missing?

Hello everyone

I am starting a research to treat Alzheimer, Dumbness, ADD, and other brain related disorders which we as humans so desperately need to cure. I am naming it Project Insanicure (curing insanity), and as we can see this blog is insane, but hopefully i will be cured by the end of it. This project will include four people in the medical field without their knowledge. A medical Doctor, three Bachelors Nurses. I am posing my self as the lab rat in my research, and if i achieve the desired result at the end, then i believe one day I will achieve the ultimate goal of becoming a PhD in mechanical Engineering and Astrophysics.
As we all see the theme is from dummy to genius, and i am currently peering in a way to which i believe the goal can be achieved. Using certain medications in the right way might trigger the effect, and i have researched on some few FDA approved and also one which doesn't yet have their approval. On this same blog site a couple of years back, a brave somebody for the sake of his education started a blog in which he blogged about trying to enhance his brain performance, in the process he volunteered himself as a lab rat and used the drug Ampalex CX516, an ampakine, drug from cortex pharmaceuticals which has not been approved by the FDA. He came up with some very impressive resulsts for himself and his blog followers. I was one of those disciples, and from now till 6 months i will be taking his research to another level. I have saved up a lot of money for the project and am wishing my self the best and hoping you do the same for me.

The list of Medication and their functions, and what i hope to achieve from them in the research:

1.Organic Turmeric Ginger Green Tea; This will be used detoxify the body before the process of medications. It contains curcumin, an antioxidant that helps combat oxidative damages in the brain. it also stabilizes blood sugar. It also reduces inflamation in the brain. It is know to prevent the build of plaques.

2. Bexarone
(targretin);
Of recent, there was a post on the internet informing that bexarotene targretin the FDA drug approved to cure cancer also reverses the effect of Alzheimer by
quickly activating the removal of amyloid plaque
from the brain. The plaques are compacted accumulations of amyloid that forms in the brain and are the pathological sign of Alzheimer's disease. Within 72 hours of the mice receiving bexarotene the plaques had been cleared.

this is the backbone of my research, for I am relying on the fact that is FDA approved, and also the fact that it can quickly reverse the effect of progressive Alzheimer, at least for lab rats. since i am the lab rat in this case, hopefully it has the same effects for me.

3. AdvilTM; May aid in preventing or delaying the onset of Alzheimer's disease by decreasing inflammation in the brain.

4. Norwegian Omega-3; this will help keep the brain and heart healthy while I am on the other medicines. Omega-3 is known to prevent the heart from diseases, and also to keep the brain in good health and proper faster functionality.

5. Ampalex. According to the master, he used ampalex and had an impressive result, and i am taking his word for it. since he already took it and was successful, i will just follow his specifications on taking ampalex.

6. Nuvigil. For the previous experiment by the master, he used provigil(modafinil) to go along with his ampalex. the reason i am going to use nuvigil(armodafil) instead of modafinil as was done by the master is because nuvigil is the new version of modafinil, which works equally well and does not have side effects which are reportedly plentiful with modafinil. i also think the master did not use it in his trial because it was not out at the time of the trial. but either one of these medication can work for my research, but ill do it with nuvigil because i need no side effects prior to the fact that i will be on other medications.

7. Etherium Gold (monatomicminerals); The reason i use this is out of curiosity. it sounds like something out of a science fiction novel, but the difference is my hands can get in for so cheap. it is also popular because of all the testimonials left on the internet. there is a PhD who seem to make a living of these, and his MRI scans of the brain before and after the use of etherium gold show how the left and right brain wave functions balances. the balance of brain wave function is known to significantly increase the thinking process. sounds pretty promising but suspicious too.

8. Diet: my entire diet will be subway sandwiches. they have bread, vegetables, cheese, salads, meat, seafood.

The Step:

I will start with a subway diet with my only drink being water and turmeric tea to detoxify my system. While on that, I will be on some daily dosage of omega-3 the dosage will be updated when i begin my experiment. after two weeks, I get off the tea and start a small dosage of targretin and slowly increase the dosage, but never stopping my daily dosage of omega-3. targretin has a certain hatred for vitamin E, so absolutely nothing containing vitamin E while on targretin. After following this process for 1 month, Then get off targretin, hoping it has taken a quick effect as it did in the rat model, then I resume turmeric tea. at this point, there should be a noticeable change in brain function. after a week off the targretin dosage, the system should have been detoxified by the tea. Now I can resume vitamin E and move on to the use of other medications. Now a combination of 5 daily pills excluding targretin has to kick in the right way so how will that be possible? I play a trick on my MD. cousin to write a prescription for all 5 medications. the role of the other three nurses at my disposal will be to monitor my health without knowing what am up to. and if at anytime I find out that my health is in danger, I will end the experiment and explain everything to my MD cousin. Am not trying something as stupid as getting my self killed.
If my attempt to get a prescription from my cousin doesn't work for what ever reason, my prescription order will be something like this. morning at 9am, i eat some breakfast diet at subway and swallow up a dosage of etherium gold and omega-3. Later for lunch, I swallow some more omega-3 with some 50mg dosage of nuvigil and a 600mg dose of ampalex. then finally at night i take some advil with my dinner. note that each time i take medicine it will be pushed down with some turmeric.
At the moment i start on the ampalex, i shall put up some video challenges to see how much brain function will be produced as the days pass by, meaning I might read some books and pick random pages to attempt to remember what i read on those pages. my expectations maybe very high, but at the cost and time in the experiment, thats exactly what i am going for "high expectation."
Once again i wish me the best and hope you all do the same for me.

hi all from warm miami Im doing these 16 events for WMC ultra week at events some of you i might have met before... so instead of lisitng all the events im going to send you to a page where you can see them for yourself
but people like Nina Kraviz, Marco Carola, Sasha, Def Mix, Oscar G, Luciano with Maayan Nadim lawler, Jamie Jones and Lee Foss, Pacha Ibiza, and so many more are playing... Early bird ticket prices at Residentadvisor.net/shelborne or www.wantickets.com/shelborne stay warm

Saw what appeared to be my exes girlfriend on the way home from work and got a sneering for no reason. If she does that to me again I will smash her fucking face in. It's had enough that she deceived me, this is just beyond a joke. I accept that he has moved on but she is a fucking skank and doesn't even have the decency to be a grown up about it. I did not let her see that she bothered me. But I needed to have a rant as it angers me that she can't just leave me alone. She did enough damage with her bullshit... but that's what I get for trusting soneone like her.

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nothing to see here

In the beginning
I mean the very beginning
The beginning of time, the time before time even existed
When there was nothing but blackness, or maybe it was blue
When black and blue along with every other thing had not yet come into existence
And someone looking in on it would be all like 'what the fuck is a thing?'
But of course what the fuck is a person at this point in time anyways?
But I digress there was nothing but the one, the only
God
He created the universe, and the sun and the stars
Where did this divine, cosmic idea of existence come from?
Ill tell you
It came from the depths of blackness
For in the darkness God created light
The serene and meditative darkness
The influence of existence
Reality, existence, eternity, matter
They could only be conceived of at a time before time, where there was nothing
But the dark
Divine creativity
Fostered and inspired by the darkness of nonexistence
Because out of darkness there could only come one thing
Light
Darkness
It was good enough for God
So play your music in the dark
They call it mood lighting for a reason
The dark is much more creative than the light
For the light reveals, whereas the dark lets the imagination soar with ideas of what could be

Conceived of by some stoned kid before a jam session

Does anyone on here know where i can buy cannabis seeds from ? cheers.

First I would like to talk about my early life and where I grew up.
I was born and raised in Flint, Michigan . I have seen everything there is to see in Flint... and i've seen some things that I wish
I wouldn't have seen... for the things I wish I wouldn't have seen.. that's what I would like to write about.

It was about 4 years ago when I lived in Flint with my mother who had fallen victim to a really bad addiction after her father
passed away.. he was her backbone and when he died.. something just didn't seem right with her afterwards.
She lost everything that she had ever had or worked for including her house, car and even family members.
I never knew or would have thought that my mom could be taken away from me in just one second.. and what I mean by this is

The Shooting

My mom had decided to hit the roads early one morning to find something or some substance to take the pressure out of life.
Mom left home, and I watched TV like normal... 15 minutes down the road she came screaming and yelling and crying as she was in shock and complete panic. When she was finally able to talk she told me she had been shot at by 2 dealers at POINT BLANK RANGE after they attempted to rob and car jack her. I instantly loaded the SKS 7.62 up and proceeded to check the van outside for bullet holes.

Only one bullet hit the car and it was dead center of the Astro vans back hatch lid.
If the bullet were to hit a FT up and to the left.. my mom would have been killed just like that.
This may not sound to bad for some of you but this has actually costed me a great deal of stress
as I myself was diagnosed with PTSD. FOR INSTANCE

Every day I live with the terror of this nightmare. I picture myself in the van along with my mom.. riding along when two dealers approach the car and jump into to car jack us at knife point. I see them jumping out and then pulling their Glocks at point blank range and putting bullets into the car at point blank... Tink.... tink... bullets are now hitting the car.. my mom looks over to see my slumped against the window because a bullet hit me in the head or in the neck.


I replay that situation in my head each and every single day as if I were there with my mom when this happened. I can actually feel and smell the terror that she went through as if I were with her. It's like your body goes brisk/stone cold... your life flashes before your eyes...

It's one thing to hear about someone getting murdered or killed in Flint or on the daily news.. that's not a shocking surprise in flint.
You always want to believe that something like this could never ever happen to you.. but what happened to my mother... happens to a lot of other people who are NOT as lucky as she had been and are people just like you and i.



Now If im doing this wrong please let me know. I've never really blogged before so im not sure if its supposed to be like some kind of journal or what..

duscuss without the eyes of the world

According to the manufacturer Phen375 is composed of a synthetic fat burning formula and has helped everyday people lose a whopping 10 pounds within a matter of 2 weeks, so with an extended use period of about 6 weeks you could see a 25 pound drop or more in weight.
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It was par for the course. My sexual advances toward my wife were met with less than an enthusiastic fan fair. Not that I was expecting any different. After all, we both have been fighting a cold. But I thought I would test the waters, even though I knew there snowball’s chance that the beast with two backs would appear. Lying there beside her as she puffed occasionally from a lingering cough, an all too familiar thought creped in to my feeble little head.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered about sharing an MDMA session with my wife. It pains me to think that we will grow old, wither and die and she will never know the joy, love and intimacy provided by that magic little substance. That fact is a sharp blade that jabs me from time to time. I know the bond that we have is special and cannot be overshadowed by anything. But I also know the effects of my long absent mistress would enhance our bond to heights that she hasn’t the tools to comprehend. I lament the day where our time together will end and fear my biggest regret will be missing out on what I perceive would be the most amazing experience two lovers could experience together.

I have done, by my standards, many drugs when I was younger. I assume I followed the natural progression of the successful drug user. I tried beer and cigarettes in high school, smoked my fist joint at my graduation party, and then went off to college looking for a better future and better highs along the way. My wife started off on the same path but got hung up on the sauce. By her own account, she nearly drank herself right out of college her freshman year but never made the leap to substances beyond the lawful realm. Like most people in this ass backward society, she was all too willing to drink herself stupid and then have the gull to look down her nose at hippy, burnout, white- trash, drug users.

I made no attempt to hide my former drug use from her. At the time I had no real intentions of doing drugs ever again. The two and a half years I spent abusing MDMA was not without consequences. The effects of my abuse were not particularly debilitating but they were well pronounced and enough of a detriment to be plainly noticeable to me. I was in desperate need of a long break to say the least.

I didn’t quit using drugs because I wanted to or because I became particularly aware of the damage my abuse was causing. My abrupt stoppage was more like “quitting by default” than a conscious choice. I had moved away for college to the big city. That summer was deemed later as the second summer of love and I jumped in with both feet. I actually went looking to try harder drugs. But it wasn’t the drugs that brought my back home; it was money.

The school I went to was rather expensive. That coupled with the distance from home and the cost of big city living had my family strapped and I was no help. All my money went to partying. So back home to the land of cornfields and moo cows I came. I left behind all my friends, the dream of making it big and most importantly, as this story is concerned, my drug contacts. I don’t make friends very easily and I left the few that I had down south so finding another MDMA dealer was not going to happen for me. Besides, a few months sobriety was all I needed to see the damage from pilling it up nonstop for 2+ years. So when I went back to school, my drug experiences were just a fond memory.

We met on the front steps of the dormitory. We were together all through college, shacked up for another five years after and now have been married for four. 12 tears together, and it still seems pretty fresh but it was shortly after we met that I started to imagine sharing the MDMA experience with her.

It was only after I started hinting that I wanted her to try MDMA with me that I found out that my wife had fallen prey to the bandwagon that is prohibition. Even the dumbest sap can see through the whole “drugs are bad, man” mantra that has been forced upon an unwitting society such as ours. I am absolutely dumfounded that it is still so prevalent in modern times. But even so, that is the world I am immersed in at the present moment. My wife is the anti-drug. No amount of prodding will steer her and her stubbornness is more frustrating than her ignorance on the matter. It is one of the few sticking points we have and, sure as shit stinks, I have a better chance at winning the Mega-Millions Jackpot than changing her mind. You just can’t reason with someone who bases their opinion of drug users on the misinformation provided by the media and their limited interaction with the stereotypical high school stoners.

It’s no matter really, I am a man no. I am used to my dreams being crushed. I used to think that being a man meant to be physically and mentally tough, to have the wisdom to know what needs to be done and the resolve to do it. That is the Ozzy and Harriett definition and has no bearing in the real world. The truth is, being a man is knowing that your dreams are nothing more than condiments slathered on all the shit sandwiches life feeds you. It’s your job to scarf them down and ask for another.
My drug using days are behind me for the most part. I don’t particularly like weed, I spent way too much time smoking the stuff in the past that I kind of ruined it for myself, though I can see myself taking puff or two under the right circumstances. Cocaine is just not my thing. It’s a very smooth ride and I do like my stimulants, but the cost and risk of addiction is not worth the lackluster performance. Meth is for rednecks and the generally uninformed in my opinion and opiates make me itch. I had too many bad trips to even think of touching mushrooms or LSD ever again. It gives me the willies just thinking about it. The only drug I really would like to have again is MDMA.

It breaks my heart to know that the only person in this world that I would want to share the most eye opening , life changing experience that I have ever had the privilege to partake in has been brainwash to the point that she is unable to see that she is voluntarily depriving her and I of what could be the most magical, breath taking, and incendiary experiences a couple can share.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am the one who has exalted this experience way over and above what it actually is. Maybe us doing MDMA together will not be the earth moving experience I remember it to be and I should just bury it deep inside my next shit sandwich and munch it down and forget it ever happened. Maybe I am wrong in thinking that I could enhance the greatest love I have ever felt for another human being. But maybe…maybe there is a chance of MDMA lending us the opportunity to enhance our connection to each other far past what either of us could ever imagine. That is my dream… and I am watching die. And when its light finally dims completely it will transform into resentment and my greatest fear will materialize. My greatest fear is that our time together will not only end without sharing this experience together but that I will go on with a tiny part of my soul resenting the woman I love for killing the last dream I had.

Edit: I should not go on BL when I have taken cold medicine (I did have a cold but I did not take the right medicine for it)

My friend who is close by has a meager supply of coke.. Decent quality, decent price.. And I have a decent amount of cash. Although I have some adderall at my place I just like the idea of doing coke much more. I bought a gram today and might go back for another gram tomorrow, or two... Who knows, possibly an eighth. I have a moderate amount of control over cravings, but cocaine... Mmmmm. I don't expect myself to get too into it. The last I've had it was maybe a month or so ago. But now here it is, just down the street and affordable.