Lately I've been burning bridges once again. Why? Because I care about drugs more than anything else at this point. All I want to do is get high or drunk until one day its all over and inside I keep hoping for that day to be soon... Even though I know I should say fuck it all and keep on living the right way because what I am doing now is not living at all. I'm slowly killing myself each day and all I want to know is why don't I care? My mother confronted my friend and I today about our drinking and use of drugs... Well that ended up with me yelling at her and causing her to cry, she even left the house. It was pretty bad and the sad thing is I know I'm in the wrong but I won't ever admit that to her. I should be happy she cares but instead I'm a selfish bitch who treats her own mother like shit when she doesn't deserve to be treated that way.
Also my best friend who I consider my sister has been distant these past days. I even texted her and shit but she never replied or answered my calls. I finally called her today and she told me how much she is worried about me... How she thought I was done with doing stupid shit. Also how she even thought about not being friends with me and my other friend (the one who I tend to do a lot of dumb shit with/one my mom confronted). She told me she wants me to stop because she doesn't want me to die. She told me she doesn't understand why I didn't think twice about my actions especially after I got a gun pulled out on me. She also told me she knows that I'm only going to stop when I want to and that I'm going to keep on doing what I want and that she will accept that but doesn't know if she can be my friend anymore if I do.
So of course I lied. I told her I want to and will stop with stupid shit. I also lied and said that I wasn't being serious about how I think I'm going to die soon.... The truth though is that I don't want to stop. I'm not going to stop, at least not now but she doesn't need to know that. So I told her that I will see her tomorrow and we can talk about everything. She was happy with what I said but I feel terrible because I'm lying to my best friend and she doesn't even know. I consider her my sister and we've been through so much shit but I still decide to lie to her. I still choose to possibly compromise this amazing friendship just because I want to get high. She even told me I know where this is going to end if I continue on with using and that all my friends will be gone and I'm not even going to have family there for me... And of course I know she's right but that's still not going to stop me. I told her if I lose her then I know I'm definitely going to be dead by 21... Honestly my friends are the reason why I'm still here but each day I get closer and closer to losing them which makes me wonder why I'm still using drugs then?
I get closer and closer to losing everything I have and all the people I love. I'm losing my dreams and ambitions. I'm losing the meaning of why I'm here. Instead I use and watch time pass by before my eyes. Time that I can never get back. Moments and memories I will never have because I'm out getting high or sleeping away the days and nights. I'm not sure what I expect to come out of this because clearly nothing will. So I hope I can fix up this mess I created.. Get out of this hole I dug but I feel like there's no point in trying right now. I feel as if it will be pointless because I don't necessarily want to get clean just yet. Something is still telling me to continue doing what I'm doing and then I hear another thing saying stop now. So until I only hear that voice telling me to stop I'm not going to bother because I can force myself to stop using or go to na meetings (like a friend suggested/well was telling me to go to today and I lied and said I would but I didn't lol) but I'm not going to because I know I will just fall back into the same old habits eventually. I know that because the voice saying continue on, fuck life, is going to still be there. I know they say it will always be there but right now its louder than normal and I'm still not strong enough to say no to it.
And until I'm ready to do that I'll keep doing what I'm doing. I can't lie to myself and make myself believe I can just stop now because I can't; I don't want to. Hopefully I can keep myself alive and not burn anymore bridges before I can attempt to get my life in order. Just hopefully....but even then if I do then it will probably just make leaving even more easier.
Also my best friend who I consider my sister has been distant these past days. I even texted her and shit but she never replied or answered my calls. I finally called her today and she told me how much she is worried about me... How she thought I was done with doing stupid shit. Also how she even thought about not being friends with me and my other friend (the one who I tend to do a lot of dumb shit with/one my mom confronted). She told me she wants me to stop because she doesn't want me to die. She told me she doesn't understand why I didn't think twice about my actions especially after I got a gun pulled out on me. She also told me she knows that I'm only going to stop when I want to and that I'm going to keep on doing what I want and that she will accept that but doesn't know if she can be my friend anymore if I do.
So of course I lied. I told her I want to and will stop with stupid shit. I also lied and said that I wasn't being serious about how I think I'm going to die soon.... The truth though is that I don't want to stop. I'm not going to stop, at least not now but she doesn't need to know that. So I told her that I will see her tomorrow and we can talk about everything. She was happy with what I said but I feel terrible because I'm lying to my best friend and she doesn't even know. I consider her my sister and we've been through so much shit but I still decide to lie to her. I still choose to possibly compromise this amazing friendship just because I want to get high. She even told me I know where this is going to end if I continue on with using and that all my friends will be gone and I'm not even going to have family there for me... And of course I know she's right but that's still not going to stop me. I told her if I lose her then I know I'm definitely going to be dead by 21... Honestly my friends are the reason why I'm still here but each day I get closer and closer to losing them which makes me wonder why I'm still using drugs then?
I get closer and closer to losing everything I have and all the people I love. I'm losing my dreams and ambitions. I'm losing the meaning of why I'm here. Instead I use and watch time pass by before my eyes. Time that I can never get back. Moments and memories I will never have because I'm out getting high or sleeping away the days and nights. I'm not sure what I expect to come out of this because clearly nothing will. So I hope I can fix up this mess I created.. Get out of this hole I dug but I feel like there's no point in trying right now. I feel as if it will be pointless because I don't necessarily want to get clean just yet. Something is still telling me to continue doing what I'm doing and then I hear another thing saying stop now. So until I only hear that voice telling me to stop I'm not going to bother because I can force myself to stop using or go to na meetings (like a friend suggested/well was telling me to go to today and I lied and said I would but I didn't lol) but I'm not going to because I know I will just fall back into the same old habits eventually. I know that because the voice saying continue on, fuck life, is going to still be there. I know they say it will always be there but right now its louder than normal and I'm still not strong enough to say no to it.
And until I'm ready to do that I'll keep doing what I'm doing. I can't lie to myself and make myself believe I can just stop now because I can't; I don't want to. Hopefully I can keep myself alive and not burn anymore bridges before I can attempt to get my life in order. Just hopefully....but even then if I do then it will probably just make leaving even more easier.