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As you may or may not already know this past year has been a hectic one for me. From going through severe depression, my best friend and boyfriend of 5 years dying, living in an abusive home, being evicted, my mother being arrested, my sister and I running away, being sent to group homes and placements, homelessness, shelters and college dreams put off (not because of choice)..... Sounds like fun, right? Oh, how I wish I could look back and laugh about that all but there's no way I can do that now. Its so depressing reading my TDS thread back when this all happened.... Back when everything I had was taken away from me in the blink of an eye. My hope, my dreams and everything in between gone in a matter of seconds. So here I am now eighteen and laying in a bed that isn't mine; living in a place that will never be mine. Just another place that I will soon have to leave because I've never had a sense of security, so why would I have that now? This is transitional housing and sooner than later you're going to have to leave. This is nothing new to you.

This is how I always lived my life. My life was never easy and never did I expect it to be. I mean yes I did wish it could of been and I would love to have been born into a rich family or even a stable one but as you can see that's not what happened. What happened was I was born into a family with many problems, no security, a mother who tried but only was put down by my once abusive father, being also put down by an abusive father, going to foster care for a year because of your father and to only then end up being abused there, then coming back home, living what seemed to be a stable life but then back to abuse and evictions, back to a stable life, back to an unstable one.... The cycle just was never ending. Yet, throughout that all I had managed to still have dreams, hopes and aspirations. All this had made me strong, at least I thought it did.

Yet, here I am at age eighteen and I have finally broken down. How does this happen? After years of going strong even though everything around you was a mess. Its hard to believe the kid at age eight or ten was stronger than the kid I am now. I have finally broken. I can't seem to piece myself back together and the sad thing is I don't want to. I have finally reached the point in my life where I truly can say I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I've tried and I've tried but only to be let down once again. I really don't understand why I deserved this. Yes, I may have slipped up and used drugs at the age of fifteen but even before that my life was pretty much shit and after I started using it was still the same. Nothing had changed except for the false sense of happiness I had received from the self medication. So why even try anymore? That's what I've been doing for so long but nothing has come out of it, nothing at all.

I know I could go to college in the fall even though I should of already been in it... I know I can get back on my feet again and move out of this place. I know I can get clean because I have before but why do I no long want to do any of that? Why do I just want to say fuck it all and do nothing? Seriously at this point I'm not sure if I will make it to twenty one let alone nineteen and the sad thing is I'm okay with that. I'm okay with dying. I'm not going to take my own life but I know my actions now will surely increase my chances of doing so. The old me would of never allowed this to happen but who I once was is no longer who I am now.

And I keep hearing everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be okay but really is that true?

One step forward, two steps back.

What's missing?

Hello everyone

I am starting a research to treat Alzheimer, Dumbness, ADD, and other brain related disorders which we as humans so desperately need to cure. I am naming it Project Insanicure (curing insanity), and as we can see this blog is insane, but hopefully i will be cured by the end of it. This project will include four people in the medical field without their knowledge. A medical Doctor, three Bachelors Nurses. I am posing my self as the lab rat in my research, and if i achieve the desired result at the end, then i believe one day I will achieve the ultimate goal of becoming a PhD in mechanical Engineering and Astrophysics.
As we all see the theme is from dummy to genius, and i am currently peering in a way to which i believe the goal can be achieved. Using certain medications in the right way might trigger the effect, and i have researched on some few FDA approved and also one which doesn't yet have their approval. On this same blog site a couple of years back, a brave somebody for the sake of his education started a blog in which he blogged about trying to enhance his brain performance, in the process he volunteered himself as a lab rat and used the drug Ampalex CX516, an ampakine, drug from cortex pharmaceuticals which has not been approved by the FDA. He came up with some very impressive resulsts for himself and his blog followers. I was one of those disciples, and from now till 6 months i will be taking his research to another level. I have saved up a lot of money for the project and am wishing my self the best and hoping you do the same for me.

The list of Medication and their functions, and what i hope to achieve from them in the research:

1.Organic Turmeric Ginger Green Tea; This will be used detoxify the body before the process of medications. It contains curcumin, an antioxidant that helps combat oxidative damages in the brain. it also stabilizes blood sugar. It also reduces inflamation in the brain. It is know to prevent the build of plaques.

2. Bexarone
(targretin);
Of recent, there was a post on the internet informing that bexarotene targretin the FDA drug approved to cure cancer also reverses the effect of Alzheimer by
quickly activating the removal of amyloid plaque
from the brain. The plaques are compacted accumulations of amyloid that forms in the brain and are the pathological sign of Alzheimer's disease. Within 72 hours of the mice receiving bexarotene the plaques had been cleared.

this is the backbone of my research, for I am relying on the fact that is FDA approved, and also the fact that it can quickly reverse the effect of progressive Alzheimer, at least for lab rats. since i am the lab rat in this case, hopefully it has the same effects for me.

3. AdvilTM; May aid in preventing or delaying the onset of Alzheimer's disease by decreasing inflammation in the brain.

4. Norwegian Omega-3; this will help keep the brain and heart healthy while I am on the other medicines. Omega-3 is known to prevent the heart from diseases, and also to keep the brain in good health and proper faster functionality.

5. Ampalex. According to the master, he used ampalex and had an impressive result, and i am taking his word for it. since he already took it and was successful, i will just follow his specifications on taking ampalex.

6. Nuvigil. For the previous experiment by the master, he used provigil(modafinil) to go along with his ampalex. the reason i am going to use nuvigil(armodafil) instead of modafinil as was done by the master is because nuvigil is the new version of modafinil, which works equally well and does not have side effects which are reportedly plentiful with modafinil. i also think the master did not use it in his trial because it was not out at the time of the trial. but either one of these medication can work for my research, but ill do it with nuvigil because i need no side effects prior to the fact that i will be on other medications.

7. Etherium Gold (monatomicminerals); The reason i use this is out of curiosity. it sounds like something out of a science fiction novel, but the difference is my hands can get in for so cheap. it is also popular because of all the testimonials left on the internet. there is a PhD who seem to make a living of these, and his MRI scans of the brain before and after the use of etherium gold show how the left and right brain wave functions balances. the balance of brain wave function is known to significantly increase the thinking process. sounds pretty promising but suspicious too.

8. Diet: my entire diet will be subway sandwiches. they have bread, vegetables, cheese, salads, meat, seafood.

The Step:

I will start with a subway diet with my only drink being water and turmeric tea to detoxify my system. While on that, I will be on some daily dosage of omega-3 the dosage will be updated when i begin my experiment. after two weeks, I get off the tea and start a small dosage of targretin and slowly increase the dosage, but never stopping my daily dosage of omega-3. targretin has a certain hatred for vitamin E, so absolutely nothing containing vitamin E while on targretin. After following this process for 1 month, Then get off targretin, hoping it has taken a quick effect as it did in the rat model, then I resume turmeric tea. at this point, there should be a noticeable change in brain function. after a week off the targretin dosage, the system should have been detoxified by the tea. Now I can resume vitamin E and move on to the use of other medications. Now a combination of 5 daily pills excluding targretin has to kick in the right way so how will that be possible? I play a trick on my MD. cousin to write a prescription for all 5 medications. the role of the other three nurses at my disposal will be to monitor my health without knowing what am up to. and if at anytime I find out that my health is in danger, I will end the experiment and explain everything to my MD cousin. Am not trying something as stupid as getting my self killed.
If my attempt to get a prescription from my cousin doesn't work for what ever reason, my prescription order will be something like this. morning at 9am, i eat some breakfast diet at subway and swallow up a dosage of etherium gold and omega-3. Later for lunch, I swallow some more omega-3 with some 50mg dosage of nuvigil and a 600mg dose of ampalex. then finally at night i take some advil with my dinner. note that each time i take medicine it will be pushed down with some turmeric.
At the moment i start on the ampalex, i shall put up some video challenges to see how much brain function will be produced as the days pass by, meaning I might read some books and pick random pages to attempt to remember what i read on those pages. my expectations maybe very high, but at the cost and time in the experiment, thats exactly what i am going for "high expectation."
Once again i wish me the best and hope you all do the same for me.

hi all from warm miami Im doing these 16 events for WMC ultra week at events some of you i might have met before... so instead of lisitng all the events im going to send you to a page where you can see them for yourself
but people like Nina Kraviz, Marco Carola, Sasha, Def Mix, Oscar G, Luciano with Maayan Nadim lawler, Jamie Jones and Lee Foss, Pacha Ibiza, and so many more are playing... Early bird ticket prices at Residentadvisor.net/shelborne or www.wantickets.com/shelborne stay warm

Saw what appeared to be my exes girlfriend on the way home from work and got a sneering for no reason. If she does that to me again I will smash her fucking face in. It's had enough that she deceived me, this is just beyond a joke. I accept that he has moved on but she is a fucking skank and doesn't even have the decency to be a grown up about it. I did not let her see that she bothered me. But I needed to have a rant as it angers me that she can't just leave me alone. She did enough damage with her bullshit... but that's what I get for trusting soneone like her.

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nothing to see here

In the beginning
I mean the very beginning
The beginning of time, the time before time even existed
When there was nothing but blackness, or maybe it was blue
When black and blue along with every other thing had not yet come into existence
And someone looking in on it would be all like 'what the fuck is a thing?'
But of course what the fuck is a person at this point in time anyways?
But I digress there was nothing but the one, the only
God
He created the universe, and the sun and the stars
Where did this divine, cosmic idea of existence come from?
Ill tell you
It came from the depths of blackness
For in the darkness God created light
The serene and meditative darkness
The influence of existence
Reality, existence, eternity, matter
They could only be conceived of at a time before time, where there was nothing
But the dark
Divine creativity
Fostered and inspired by the darkness of nonexistence
Because out of darkness there could only come one thing
Light
Darkness
It was good enough for God
So play your music in the dark
They call it mood lighting for a reason
The dark is much more creative than the light
For the light reveals, whereas the dark lets the imagination soar with ideas of what could be

Conceived of by some stoned kid before a jam session

Does anyone on here know where i can buy cannabis seeds from ? cheers.

First I would like to talk about my early life and where I grew up.
I was born and raised in Flint, Michigan . I have seen everything there is to see in Flint... and i've seen some things that I wish
I wouldn't have seen... for the things I wish I wouldn't have seen.. that's what I would like to write about.

It was about 4 years ago when I lived in Flint with my mother who had fallen victim to a really bad addiction after her father
passed away.. he was her backbone and when he died.. something just didn't seem right with her afterwards.
She lost everything that she had ever had or worked for including her house, car and even family members.
I never knew or would have thought that my mom could be taken away from me in just one second.. and what I mean by this is

The Shooting

My mom had decided to hit the roads early one morning to find something or some substance to take the pressure out of life.
Mom left home, and I watched TV like normal... 15 minutes down the road she came screaming and yelling and crying as she was in shock and complete panic. When she was finally able to talk she told me she had been shot at by 2 dealers at POINT BLANK RANGE after they attempted to rob and car jack her. I instantly loaded the SKS 7.62 up and proceeded to check the van outside for bullet holes.

Only one bullet hit the car and it was dead center of the Astro vans back hatch lid.
If the bullet were to hit a FT up and to the left.. my mom would have been killed just like that.
This may not sound to bad for some of you but this has actually costed me a great deal of stress
as I myself was diagnosed with PTSD. FOR INSTANCE

Every day I live with the terror of this nightmare. I picture myself in the van along with my mom.. riding along when two dealers approach the car and jump into to car jack us at knife point. I see them jumping out and then pulling their Glocks at point blank range and putting bullets into the car at point blank... Tink.... tink... bullets are now hitting the car.. my mom looks over to see my slumped against the window because a bullet hit me in the head or in the neck.


I replay that situation in my head each and every single day as if I were there with my mom when this happened. I can actually feel and smell the terror that she went through as if I were with her. It's like your body goes brisk/stone cold... your life flashes before your eyes...

It's one thing to hear about someone getting murdered or killed in Flint or on the daily news.. that's not a shocking surprise in flint.
You always want to believe that something like this could never ever happen to you.. but what happened to my mother... happens to a lot of other people who are NOT as lucky as she had been and are people just like you and i.



Now If im doing this wrong please let me know. I've never really blogged before so im not sure if its supposed to be like some kind of journal or what..

duscuss without the eyes of the world

According to the manufacturer Phen375 is composed of a synthetic fat burning formula and has helped everyday people lose a whopping 10 pounds within a matter of 2 weeks, so with an extended use period of about 6 weeks you could see a 25 pound drop or more in weight.
Phen375 has been formulated not only for athletes that hit the gym 3-5 days a week, but also for the busy everyday person who has a hard time juggling daily life responsibilities. Now, we are firm believers in breaking a good old sweat in the gym or through some other type of physical exercise, but let’s face it sometimes there just isn’t enough time in one day to get everything done. Phentemine375 takes this into consideration and focuses on fat burning properties and ingredients to help shed the fat fast and maintain the weight during inactive states.

Why is Phen375 in the top 3?

Phen375 is manufactured in a lab based out of California that is FDA regulated and approved!
Offers one of the highest fat burning properties compared to most Phentermine alternative diet pills
Sustained energy release that is activated within as little as 20 minutes after consumption

Phen375 Results

Weight loss happens very quickly when you start taking Phen375. You’ll notice the following changes taking place:

Food cravings will disappear
You will feel full while eating less
Your metabolism and energy level will increase
You will start to lose 2 to 5 pounds a week
Your cholesterol levels will drop
You will feel good about yourself

Phen375 Ingredients

The primary active ingredient in Phen375 1,3-dimethylpentylamine which replaces the dimethylphenylethylamine, the main active ingredient in phentermine. It works in conjunction with 3 other powerful ingredients, making Phen375 the most powerful fat burner legally available in the market today. The three other active ingredients are:

Trimethylxanthine - amplifies the effects of dimethylpentylamine to burn more fat, resulting in spectacular weight loss in the shortest possible time
DHEA or Dihydroepiandrosterone - inhibits G6PDH activity, so the body can no longer synthesize fat from carbohydrates. This causes an increase in the body’s metabolism. It also breaks down stored body fat.
L-carnitine - aids in metabolizing long-chain fatty acids and has a thermogenic effect

It was par for the course. My sexual advances toward my wife were met with less than an enthusiastic fan fair. Not that I was expecting any different. After all, we both have been fighting a cold. But I thought I would test the waters, even though I knew there snowball’s chance that the beast with two backs would appear. Lying there beside her as she puffed occasionally from a lingering cough, an all too familiar thought creped in to my feeble little head.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered about sharing an MDMA session with my wife. It pains me to think that we will grow old, wither and die and she will never know the joy, love and intimacy provided by that magic little substance. That fact is a sharp blade that jabs me from time to time. I know the bond that we have is special and cannot be overshadowed by anything. But I also know the effects of my long absent mistress would enhance our bond to heights that she hasn’t the tools to comprehend. I lament the day where our time together will end and fear my biggest regret will be missing out on what I perceive would be the most amazing experience two lovers could experience together.

I have done, by my standards, many drugs when I was younger. I assume I followed the natural progression of the successful drug user. I tried beer and cigarettes in high school, smoked my fist joint at my graduation party, and then went off to college looking for a better future and better highs along the way. My wife started off on the same path but got hung up on the sauce. By her own account, she nearly drank herself right out of college her freshman year but never made the leap to substances beyond the lawful realm. Like most people in this ass backward society, she was all too willing to drink herself stupid and then have the gull to look down her nose at hippy, burnout, white- trash, drug users.

I made no attempt to hide my former drug use from her. At the time I had no real intentions of doing drugs ever again. The two and a half years I spent abusing MDMA was not without consequences. The effects of my abuse were not particularly debilitating but they were well pronounced and enough of a detriment to be plainly noticeable to me. I was in desperate need of a long break to say the least.

I didn’t quit using drugs because I wanted to or because I became particularly aware of the damage my abuse was causing. My abrupt stoppage was more like “quitting by default” than a conscious choice. I had moved away for college to the big city. That summer was deemed later as the second summer of love and I jumped in with both feet. I actually went looking to try harder drugs. But it wasn’t the drugs that brought my back home; it was money.

The school I went to was rather expensive. That coupled with the distance from home and the cost of big city living had my family strapped and I was no help. All my money went to partying. So back home to the land of cornfields and moo cows I came. I left behind all my friends, the dream of making it big and most importantly, as this story is concerned, my drug contacts. I don’t make friends very easily and I left the few that I had down south so finding another MDMA dealer was not going to happen for me. Besides, a few months sobriety was all I needed to see the damage from pilling it up nonstop for 2+ years. So when I went back to school, my drug experiences were just a fond memory.

We met on the front steps of the dormitory. We were together all through college, shacked up for another five years after and now have been married for four. 12 tears together, and it still seems pretty fresh but it was shortly after we met that I started to imagine sharing the MDMA experience with her.

It was only after I started hinting that I wanted her to try MDMA with me that I found out that my wife had fallen prey to the bandwagon that is prohibition. Even the dumbest sap can see through the whole “drugs are bad, man” mantra that has been forced upon an unwitting society such as ours. I am absolutely dumfounded that it is still so prevalent in modern times. But even so, that is the world I am immersed in at the present moment. My wife is the anti-drug. No amount of prodding will steer her and her stubbornness is more frustrating than her ignorance on the matter. It is one of the few sticking points we have and, sure as shit stinks, I have a better chance at winning the Mega-Millions Jackpot than changing her mind. You just can’t reason with someone who bases their opinion of drug users on the misinformation provided by the media and their limited interaction with the stereotypical high school stoners.

It’s no matter really, I am a man no. I am used to my dreams being crushed. I used to think that being a man meant to be physically and mentally tough, to have the wisdom to know what needs to be done and the resolve to do it. That is the Ozzy and Harriett definition and has no bearing in the real world. The truth is, being a man is knowing that your dreams are nothing more than condiments slathered on all the shit sandwiches life feeds you. It’s your job to scarf them down and ask for another.
My drug using days are behind me for the most part. I don’t particularly like weed, I spent way too much time smoking the stuff in the past that I kind of ruined it for myself, though I can see myself taking puff or two under the right circumstances. Cocaine is just not my thing. It’s a very smooth ride and I do like my stimulants, but the cost and risk of addiction is not worth the lackluster performance. Meth is for rednecks and the generally uninformed in my opinion and opiates make me itch. I had too many bad trips to even think of touching mushrooms or LSD ever again. It gives me the willies just thinking about it. The only drug I really would like to have again is MDMA.

It breaks my heart to know that the only person in this world that I would want to share the most eye opening , life changing experience that I have ever had the privilege to partake in has been brainwash to the point that she is unable to see that she is voluntarily depriving her and I of what could be the most magical, breath taking, and incendiary experiences a couple can share.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am the one who has exalted this experience way over and above what it actually is. Maybe us doing MDMA together will not be the earth moving experience I remember it to be and I should just bury it deep inside my next shit sandwich and munch it down and forget it ever happened. Maybe I am wrong in thinking that I could enhance the greatest love I have ever felt for another human being. But maybe…maybe there is a chance of MDMA lending us the opportunity to enhance our connection to each other far past what either of us could ever imagine. That is my dream… and I am watching die. And when its light finally dims completely it will transform into resentment and my greatest fear will materialize. My greatest fear is that our time together will not only end without sharing this experience together but that I will go on with a tiny part of my soul resenting the woman I love for killing the last dream I had.

Edit: I should not go on BL when I have taken cold medicine (I did have a cold but I did not take the right medicine for it)

My friend who is close by has a meager supply of coke.. Decent quality, decent price.. And I have a decent amount of cash. Although I have some adderall at my place I just like the idea of doing coke much more. I bought a gram today and might go back for another gram tomorrow, or two... Who knows, possibly an eighth. I have a moderate amount of control over cravings, but cocaine... Mmmmm. I don't expect myself to get too into it. The last I've had it was maybe a month or so ago. But now here it is, just down the street and affordable.

Hi, this is sorta my first time posting so go easy on me lol. Well anyways swim was just wondering if it would be a dumb idea for swim to save up some of my money so that he can buy about 30-50 lsd blotters and 30-50 ecstasy which would be stored in a dark mason jar in a bag which means he won't have to depend on a dealer to get some for swim and, plus he'll only be taking about one substance every 2-4 months. Also do you think at this rate would swim get hooked and want to waste all ecstasy/lsd within a week period? Another thing I'd like to ask for him is if he should purchase only 3-4 of the same blotter/ecstasy so that has a wide variety of doses and images/shapes or just the same e/lsd which would all look alike but all would have awesome doses?

I had a thread in the SLR forum suggesting that BDSM is a path to personal and/or spiritual growth to address certain sexual dysfunctions that modern humans suffer under due to our present culture being so radically different from what we evolved to experience on a biological level (this is true in other areas, but particularly so with respect to sexuality).

That thread was closed for no valid reason by an overzealous moderator with personal issues and/or inadequately respect for what can be gained through freedom of speech. Before I realized that the thread was closed, I drafted a lengthy and thoughtful reply to various responders' posts in that thread. Not wanting the reply to be wasted, I started a new thread in that forum for my reply. However, given that the original thread was closed, and the apparent antipathy of the responsible moderator toward me, I would not be surprised if my reply thread is deleted. So, to preserve my reply, here it is:

irst, I disagree with those responders who seem to take the position that everyone is different, so any attempt to find a cultural-wide remedy or approach for sexual dysfuction is necessarily false. Just becauase every person is different on some levels does not mean each of us is 100% unique, or there was never be ANY legitimacy to any human science from medicine to psychology to sociology.

The fact that we all share a largely overlapping evolutionary history, and a largely overlapping cultural influences. To the extent those cultural influences do not gibe with our evolutionary make-up, disfunction results. It is neither unreasonable, not unlikely, that we can employ similar tools to address such disfunction. So, it is not unreasonable to think that if I found a way with my wife to access and resolve some disfunction through power exchange, that this may very well work for a large number of others in our society. Could there be other tools that address the same disfuction? Maybe. I don't happen to see anyone throwing out any proposal for what has worked for them along these lines. Rather, the critics seem to assume there is another approach, but no one is actually saying they found one, or what it is.

Lysis: You have shown you have no business being a moderator, now with your latest post consisting of an ad hominem attack, exactly the sort of thing YOU as a moderator are supposed to POLICE. Not only have you NOT policed the ad hominem attacks by others in this thread against me, you have actually posted such attacks yourself. Shame on you. When I was a moderator on Bluelight, that would not have been permitted and you'd have been stripped of your moderator status without question. I am guessing (but may be wrong) that you are the one who closed my BDSM thread, because that would be consistent with what I see of you on here. I appreciate you are trying your best to be a good moderator, but I would respectfully suggest you have some growth and maturing to do to accomplish that. I know you are up to the task, you just need to contemplate on the nature of free speech, and its value as compared to you being annoyed by a particular Bluelighter or topic. If a thread relates to sex, love and relationships (i.e., is on topic) and there are people within that thread attempting with sincerity to reach some common understanding, it should be respected even if you personally have some issue with something about it. Err on the side of FREEDOM.

Perpetual Indulgence: You say if it is broken and you cannot fix it, let it go. What I'm telling you (and others) in my posts, is that IT IS ALL FIXABLE. This notion that relationshps cannot be fixed is like the notion that criminals cannot be redeemed. Everyone can be rehabilitated. Everyone can be redeemed. All relationships can be fixed. But in this lazy, short-sighted society, people like you give up if the going gets touch, so you never see it through and realize the personal growth that awaits a person who does NOT give up. And you wonder why you are single again?

Panda Bear: I agree that open and honest communication is key, maybe THE key. Perhaps it DOES all come down to finding a space in which the people can be completely open and honest. However, it is possible that that space REQUIRES some form of power exchange. For example, I have always fancied myself more submissive than dominant, shied away from assuming a dominant role in bed, fantasized about submissive roles. However, once it was put to me to be the dominant one, I chose to embrace that role and find that part of me. What resulted was me finally being confronted with the question, "What EXACTLY do I want if it is COMPLETELY up to me without concern of being too selfish or being judged for my desires?" Then the answers started to come. I learned, and am still learning, much about myself in this fashion. Honestly, if my wife and I had just sat down and she said, "Tell me what you really want sexually," while we were having a conversation, I might have said, "to be submissive," or I might have floundered. The process of power exchange, if you fully commit to it for even a brief time, creates a space and a tool for self-knowledge and shared knowleged that may be unique or uniquely effective. Is there a way to gain the same kind of self-knowledge, and to effectively share it, without power exchange? Maybe, or maybe not. Again, no one seems to be suggesting, "Oh, I got to the same place doing x, y or z." It's like I have tapped into some knee-jerk denial that people feel "Oh, that cannot be!" without any real coherent counter-arguments or alternative theories on human sexual psychology.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, I just approach life always looking for commonalities, for universal truths (or at least subjective truths that may apply beyond the individual, such as culture-wide truths). I happen to have degrees in psychology and philosophy. I have taken post-graduate courses at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. I'm offering my thoughts on here, as they occur to me, because (1) I sincerely believe these things may help others achieve personal growth and relationship success, (2) I sincerely want to here reasons -- well-articulated reasons -- why people might disagree, since I am completely open to the possibility that my opinions may require revision (i.e., I am proposing theories that explain what I am observing in life, but the more I observe, I expect the theories to evolve).

It is like the physicists who look for the natural laws of the universe. I am looking for natural laws concerning human sexual behavior, and if some one can have a dialogue on that level, great.

My ego does not require that I be right, only that I be honest in my belief and in my recognition of my own fallability (sp?). I would have literally LOVED if some one had come on here and said, "Oh, you are on the tip of the ice berg, but there's a whole lot more you have not yet realized, as you are new to this" or "I understand why you believe what you believe, but there is a limiting factor you are not recognizing and here it is...." We ALL go through life with blinders on. And sometimes we cannot take our own blinders off because we do not even know they are there. I'm trying to help others take off their blinders, and I'm wishng others would do the same for me, but it seems it is largely a one-sided endeavor.

Nevertheless, I persevere, with the optimism that here may be others who live life in this style, in this pursuit of self-growth and sharing the fruits of that self-growth with others in case it resonates with them and allows them to personally or spiritually grow.

I feel like we are poised at a precipice where so many people are living like sheep, just going with the herd, following what is P.C., ignoring what they dont' want to see, not stepping back and taking responsibility for thinking about the long view, the big picture. Between the questions (1) what is best for me, and (2) what is the fundamental truth of the universe, there is a middle ground, a gray area, that people seem to ignore, at least the people I know of and interact with, the people responding in this thread, where you ask, "Where is humanity headed? Where SHOULD we be headed? Where do we WANT to be in 5000 years and how do we get there?" It seems 99% of people just want to shrug it off, and ignore what is perhaps the MOST critical type of personal and societal inquiry. Once people lift their heads up from looking 1 to 5 to 50 years in the future, and do NOT get caught up looking a billion years into the future (Oh my god there's no hope for us!! Some disaster will surely wipe us out by then! Our star will burn out!! We'll be hit by a comet!") there is a middle ground of WISE EVOLUTIONARY PLANNING on a scale of thousands of years. Without that, we are basically running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

I think the sex drive -- and the love drive -- are critical in addressing this, which is why much of my life's attention to honest assessment of the sex drive (and love drive) in human nature. Well, that and it's a lot more fun than studying dirt or bugs IMO.

Anyway, sorry if my sincerity comes across as smugness. I really would LOVE to be proven wrong, because that would mean the state of knowledge as been advanced, and that is truly my goal. Because knowledge eradicates ignorance and ignorance gives rise to a lot of unhappy shit.

~psychoblast~

hey everybody! im new to bl so cut me some slack for this is my first post. i am prescribed adderall xr 20 mg and happen to have a few kpin 1mg. i took the 1 addy at 6 this morning and then took 2mg of kpin at around 3pm. If later tonight i happen to stumble upon a 30mg roxi how much of it could i safely consume or should i take any at all for im unsure of the risk of overdosing.. i have a high tolerance to the adderall so 20 mg is nothing to me but i only take benzos occasionally. what do yall think?

Hello all, I was researching about Red Dawn when I came across a post here that had no answers. I just came back from Japan (very high production/sale of all synthetics out there) and was interested when I heard there were no real reviews on Red Dawn.

So I went to my local head shop and purchased a packet of Red Dawn Sandman Party Powder. Digging a little bit (wasn't hard to find a Contact number for Red Dawn) I called up and asked a few questions about it, here are my questions and answers:

Q) I am hearing a lot of complaints about your Red Dawn Sandman Party Powder not mixing as advertised, is this intentional?

A) Yeah it is kind of shit when it comes to mixing, you are really supposed to hit it up hard.

Q) So you want users to snort or parachute it?

A) Well, yeah, I mean it mixes pretty good with Gatorade or FUZE drinks but other than that its not really that great for mixing.

Q) It is advertised as an energy/mood enhancer, is there a hidden meaning behind this?

A) Well, I mean, it does do what it is advertised to do based on our research but obviously it is sending out an intentional "Synthetic Ecstasy" advertisement.

Q) Have you yourself used it?

A) I have, I like it, I dont mix it though, I take it in a typical powder fashion.

I then thanked him for his time and we hung up. As for me, I did get tingles, and felt pretty good however I cannot say it was purely based on Red Dawn Party Powder as I do take Natures Bounty St Johns Wort mood enhancing pills. Hope this helps anybody interested in the Red Dawn line of products. Especially this Party Powder which seems no one can find answers about. So if you are going to mix it, try Gatorade or FUZE.

Today I took 250 mg of tramadol. I've been cleaning all day and have strong euphoria. This is by far my favorite drug next to bud. I will with no doubt be doing this again. I encourage you to try it also( assuming your doctor said it was appropriate.)

I have a long week ahead of me. As I basically spent all of last week after work getting high I decided when I had only 5 pills left I would give myself a break and use them to taper, lose of a bit of my tolerance by having a couple of weeks off. So starting tomorrow I get one pill every morning for the next 5 days to make my withdrawals just manageable enough that I can continue my job without too much interference. This coming down from the 8 pills I have been taking every evening.

Had a conversation with a friend yesterday that made me realise that there are some people out there that have the same mindset as me. We were discussing the reasons we got high. It's because both of us think that at least at this point in our life we spend our days counting down to 5pm then waiting for the weekend. We'd be this way drugs or no drugs because we realised that, that is life for the next 50/60 years. It's dull, repetitive and boring.

It leaves us no choice but to find other ways to make life seem more interesting. Thats why we both turn to drugs so that it is interesting, interesting is far more important to me than fun or exciting because if it isn't interesting I just feel bored, my mind needs constant stimulation and my life just doesn't bring that. Books, the internet and drugs are the only things that can keep my mind happy and interested.

Ignorance really is bliss, being stupid you can be happy a lot easier. I envy ignorant people sometimes. Some people spend their life chasing the dragon, I spend my chasing my brain, most people don't even interest me.

so this dph... Benydril etc. first time i did it(to the extent of wanting to trip), i messed up bad, like really bad, i dosed at 1200mg, and this is what happened from what i can remember, a day unlike any other, i thought, while i was writing my new book, a world of delusions when i started nutmeg tripping, then i heard about dph... well i figured it would be an interesting addition to a unique new writting style for my book a know, a new kind of like retro-pharmisudical like diary thing ya knowlol, well took 48, 25mg blue tablets and i was still nutmeg trippin from the day previous, t.. it hit me like a ton of bricks, to say the least//.; i began stumbleing around so i went and sat down, my parents just went to sleep, i heard voices, manny of them arguing to belive which one of them!, the walls pounded as the floors crawled with thriving with decaying creatures... My room, was a fuckin cave of swaming flying black glitchy bugs!, I swore at one point i could see the air moving itself. . . I went to smoke a cigaret, first mistake... i ran into the wall on my way out because everything was to dark.. and my depth perception seemed to be off dramaticaly... by the time i got outside, my whole stat of mind was like a radio station switching chanels on itself, my train of thought kept on moving very stangly and it presented itself random collections of strained context phrases... you think thats weird, well when i went to go to my room, i seen 2 people sitting on my coutch, unfamiliar faces and i could reconize them one bit, when i turned away because of shock, a black cat went in the direction of the 2 people and my eyes just naturaly followed, when i caught the eyes of both the people, which at this point i reconized imediatly, my ex girlfreind and one of my freinds, they looked at me and asked me what i was doing... when looked at him i couldnt think of anyting to say so i just ran to my room, and i tried to fall asleep, all night long i still heard voices... horrable voices....

all those faces and eyes can demand every bit of attention. i want the island that dramatically changes to the climate of my moods. somewhere where rules flutter to the wavering catastrophe that is my thought process. one that bends to the on going destruction of routine that i hate and love. that sunken stomach feeling obliterated by soothing aftershocks of will. music could be made without ears to hear it as wind picks up the long tendrils of windy hair unkempt. dances unscathed by rightful footings in sloping sand hills made for weeping. decisions could be based upon spinwheels while the waters make whirlpools to climb in.
no standards
no what should be

I ended up being arrested on the 3rd for assault.
don't know what else to write without going into detail in which I dont want to.
This shit sucks ass.
Oh well, I fucked up and now I have to fix my fuck up.

wha??