Between the constant tossing and turning and kicking and screaming at the bed and wall, I did not sleep for two seconds last night, even under the influence of ridiculous doses of every lesser sedative in the house... It's funny, cause once I get out of bed, it's at least bearable. Opiate withdrawal is the EXACT opposite of how the high feels. Instead of pain relief, relaxation and euphoria, there's pain, anxiety and madness.
Ya know? I could just keep going like this for just a fewwww more days ... and be done with it.
However ... I'm supposed to be getting a $2,000 insurance settlement check in the mail today. I know what will happen. I'll spend $1,500 of it on roxies, they'll be gone within two weeks at most, and then I'll be in a REAL world of hurt... I know what I'm going through now isn't even a fifth of how bad it really COULD be... So why do I keep doing this? My dad tells me that I'm trying to fill some kind of void in my life, and that the only thing that can truly fill that void is Jesus Christ...
I know this may just sound like junkie denial, (and in all honesty it probably is,) but I am not trying to fill some kind of void with opiates... I just like getting high! It feels better than not being high does! "People think it's all about misery, and desperation, and death, and all that shite, which is not to be ignored... But, what they forget ... is the pleasure of it... Otherwise, we wouldn't do it!"
... I don't know. I really am tired of this cycle. Three years now, I've had this demon on my shoulder... And I'm to the point where it's just exhausting me... I've tried Suboxone, I've tried cold turkey, I've tried tapering, kratom, loperamide, I don't know what else to do...
Fuck it, man... I chose this road I've gone down. I knew damn well what I was getting into back then. I did a lot of research and educated myself on opiates before I ever even touched one. They fascinated me. I KNEW what I was getting into... I didn't care. I didn't care then, and I really don't care now to be honest... I'm just ... tired of it...
Ya know? I could just keep going like this for just a fewwww more days ... and be done with it.
However ... I'm supposed to be getting a $2,000 insurance settlement check in the mail today. I know what will happen. I'll spend $1,500 of it on roxies, they'll be gone within two weeks at most, and then I'll be in a REAL world of hurt... I know what I'm going through now isn't even a fifth of how bad it really COULD be... So why do I keep doing this? My dad tells me that I'm trying to fill some kind of void in my life, and that the only thing that can truly fill that void is Jesus Christ...
I know this may just sound like junkie denial, (and in all honesty it probably is,) but I am not trying to fill some kind of void with opiates... I just like getting high! It feels better than not being high does! "People think it's all about misery, and desperation, and death, and all that shite, which is not to be ignored... But, what they forget ... is the pleasure of it... Otherwise, we wouldn't do it!"
... I don't know. I really am tired of this cycle. Three years now, I've had this demon on my shoulder... And I'm to the point where it's just exhausting me... I've tried Suboxone, I've tried cold turkey, I've tried tapering, kratom, loperamide, I don't know what else to do...
Fuck it, man... I chose this road I've gone down. I knew damn well what I was getting into back then. I did a lot of research and educated myself on opiates before I ever even touched one. They fascinated me. I KNEW what I was getting into... I didn't care. I didn't care then, and I really don't care now to be honest... I'm just ... tired of it...
