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"Choose a thought, then think it".

Seems easy, right?

Q: OK, pick a thought, and think it.

A: "I choose the word 'bear'.

Q: You chose the word "I?"

A: No, bear!

Q: You supposedly chose the word "bear", but the first thought out of your mouth was "I".

In fact, the thought that was "chosen" (in a sense) was "I" -- it's the imaginary self, and is emotive, because it's divided in two.

One half of it is the "I", and it represents what goes out, what one wants to GIVE to others, whatever that may be. It is the "out-going" direction, in the separate self's false directional/oppositional duality.

The other half, "me", and is addressed by people. It represents what wants to get from others, whatever that may be. It is the "in-coming" direction, in the separate self's false directional/oppositional duality.

The "me" is what has got to go, in order to clear up the whole equation. Poor thing .

The self has got to die for mankind's sins.

Die for all those arrogant, judgmental, egoic arseholes out there -- because they are never going to 'fess up, ever ;-). They're all waiting for that self to 'fess up.

Everyone's waiting for everyone else to confess their sins and admit their
wrongs, and no one can understand why the human race is so judgmental, arrogant, self-righteous, problematic, etc.

It's because the one waiting for the confessions is the guilty party, as
innocent as it is. Its death is terribly sad, but it has to happen.

The emotive one (well, OK, the one just wanting to be loved and accepted) is the one that dies (and with it goes the angry one).

As it dies, its loneliness, isolation and sense of abandonment curiously lessen, and the desire to tell people off starts to diminish as well.

One starts to simultanously just not care that it isn't being loved and given attention, and not give a damn that it isn't feeling angry and abused either.

At some point, it dawns that there is absolutely nothing wrong with not needing others.

You don't give a damn if you ever see one again or not.

But it's still fun to hang around them. In fact, it's fun for the first time ever. You can take or leave them, and they can (for the most part) take care of themselves, and do what they like.

Because you finally can, for the first time ever.

Peace...

Q: Choose a thought, then think it.

Seems easy, right?

Q: OK, pick a thought, and think it.

A: "I choose the word 'bear'.

Q: You chose the word "I?"

A: No, bear!

Q: You chose the word "bear", but the first thought out of your mouth was "I".

***

P.S. what produced the word "I"?

One side of the psyche, the self or "noun" aspect.

What produced the word "bear?"

The other side of the psyche, its object or verbal (doership) aspect.

All of it occurs automatically. No choice occurred at all.

After having attempted to chronicle my anti-climatic but never the less interesting New Years partying...and having been stymied by my lack of finesse with my latest handheld, I have decided to once again try and cover what has indeed turned out to be one of the more interesting periods in my post-Rizza life, albeit two months after the fact.

Near the end of December I hopped a flight on what has to be one of the world's worst airlines, Cebu Pacific, and this is from someone who has had the rare pleasure of having flown Soviet Era Aeroflot AND various West African props...I would have taken a ferry, my preferred mode of inter-island transport, but the typhoon that devestated the northern coast of Mindanao has completely re-arranged the coral reefs and sandbars making heavy draught shipping a hit and miss affair. It is only now, three months after the storm that ferries..and indeed even heavy freight shipping has begun to return to that coast. Landing in Makati, in Metro Manila, I settled into the studio I sublet in that same corner of the capital.

The plan had been for Joysa and I to spend a quiet New Years Eve at my studio, or more precisely, at its rooftop pool which, since it is thirty floors up can offer a decent view of Manila Bay. All over Southeast Asia there are extravagant pyrotechnic displays over bodies of water. For example, some may recall that for New Years Eve 2008 Rizza and I ushered in the New Year by viewing Cambodia's version in Pnohm Penh. Not being a particularly high skyline we had a great view from our fourth floor hotel room on Monviong despite the display having taken place on the Mekong River, so many kilometers away.

The chief benefit of subletting in Makati, aside from being able to rest on my sojourns in and out of Manila when travelling internationally, is that Makati is home to the Philippine's only Jewish Community. Indeed, it was my own clan that funded 50% of the country's only synagouge in Makati's Salcedo Village. As a traditionally raised Jew- and an Israeli to boot- there are times when I feel the need to commiserate with my own People. Mindanao is about as far off the beaten path as it gets for a Jew. Salcedo Village is also home to the country's Israeli Embassy and it was at the embassy that Joysa contacted me to inform me that our quiet holiday plans had just changed. Instead of fireworks from the rooftop verandah next to the pool, we would be 120km north of Metro Manila in of all places...Angeles City.

Angeles City, in Pampanga Province is famous for just two things; during the run up to Easter the municipality hosts real live crucifixtions. Yep, if you have a hankering to rid yourself of sin by being literally nailed to a wooden cross than by golly, you may just want to consider your own visit to Angeles. Indeed, Easter is nearly upin us so grab your ticket now. The second claim to fame is the city's role as literally the largest red light district in all of Asia...and perhaps even the entire world.

Angeles enjoys a very close proximity to the municipalities of Clark and Subic Bay. The former held an American Airforce base of the same name while the latter held an American Naval base, also of the same name. Until their closure in the mid-1990s these basez were the largest American military installations on foreign soil. Angeles parlezed an accident of geopolitics and geography into a goldmine of smut and vice. Although it has been nearly two decades since the American flag was unceremoniously pulled down amidst a storm of ash from volcanic Mt.Pinatubo, Angeles has managed to retain its role as Asia's largest cum stain by retooling its whorehouses, titty bars and live sex shows towards the International Sex Tourism trade. These days the Japanese and Koreans far outnumber the Yanks though there are still plenty of sweaty pink faced, beer bellied walking hard ons perusing the brightest and best that infamous Fields Avenue has to offer.

Telling me the bad news, Joysa informed me that we would be spending the evening at her Tita (Auntie) Gemma's home where all Joysa's maternal family would be gathered...

To be continued...

I started Lent a couple days early just for the hell of it. I set out with two vows: Give up the use of newly acquired plastics, and [spoil]I'm keeping the second "lofty endeavor" to myself though I will make note of the progress on it each week.[/spoil]

The week started off a bit rocky with the "vow" to not buy anything plastic. I had a coffee bought for me and forgot it would come with a plastic lid, let alone two cups that are probably not recyclable. As a joke, the person who bought me the coffee also brought me this little tiny Timmy's cup that's probably used for espresso shots or something--I see no other use for it. But, hey, I did ask for "the smallest cup they have"! Too bad that came with a plastic lid as well. I also bought from the vending machine once while at work because what I packed for lunch was not nearly enough.

This week's shopping trip made me realize that I am probably going to end up with scurvy (again 8)) but the end of this thing. Every fresh (and frozen) organic vegetable at the local grocery store was wrapped in plastic. Or it was wrapped in plastic with a tray under it. I said at the start of this thing that I wouldn't buy something if the packaging was more than ~10% plastic. Those most certainly do not fit the less than 10% plastic rule, so I could not buy them. I made one exception this week and bought a five pound bag of potatoes that were encased in a plastic bag.

However, I was able to attain a few small glass bottles of orange juice that do not have any visible plastic on them, so I'll be able to ward off scurvy for a little while at least.

As far as how my other endeavor went this week, I haven't made much progress on it, but I've come to a few realizations that are rather shocking and sad and will be quite helpful on my journey. It's just the tip of the iceberg unfortunately, but it's progress.

I have the stomach flu I guess. I was throwing up all day yesterday and last night.

I have not been able to sleep.

I have been able to forgive myself for whatever evil I have done over my life though...

No one at my house has said a word to me. Not one word.

I realize that had I not taken care of myself and my needs over all these years, I would never had made it this far. The only reason I'm even here now is because I got myself here.

I'm still nauseous and have a violent headache.

But that fact that everyone has their own concerns has come home to me in a profound way. I am on my own. I always have been and I always will be.

My dog Sweetpea hasn't left my side. Animals are the best. I have always thought so but now I really KNOW so. In and out of the bathroom yesterday Sweetpea was right there. The whole fam was here, I heard them downstairs, but not one person poked his or her head in for any reason. Now I know.

People go to the movies for temporary spiritual-awakening experiences -- to be absorbed. And they enjoy the movies most that absorb them the most. In other words, when the separate self is not there.

"I really got into that!"

It has something to do with looking out of your eyes (instead of being looked at) and then flowing with what is seen, rather than keeping time.

It's incredibly simple, really. Do that for a long time, all the time, and the
self will dissolve. It's merely the 'being looked at, being seen by others'
nonsense that keeps it around.

That one little thing -- "Being looked at, being seen by others" -- is the basis for the separate self and all of mankind's troubles.

I'm not kidding. Take a look at it....

People go to the movies for temporary awakening experiences -- to be absorbed.
And they enjoy the movies most that absorb them the most. In other words, when
the self is not there.

It has something to do with looking out of your eyes (instead of being looked
at) and then flowing with what is seen, rather than keeping time.

It's incredibly simple, really. Do that for a long time, all the time, and the
self will dissolve. It's merely the 'being looked at, being seen by others'
nonsense that keeps it around.

That one little thing -- "Being looked at, being seen by others" -- is the basis
for the separate self and all of mankind's troubles.

I am in a really, really bad headspace today.

I'm not sure if it's because I've been sick with some kind of stomach ailment since last Wednesday... but I've spent the last few days scared as shit that there's something seriously wrong with me. When I spend a lot of time alone like this and I can't get out the house it tends to make me go a bit hysterical and mad in the head.

I have been doing so well lately, I don't know what happened, I'm sure it's just because of the amount of time I've had to ponder over things. Normally I've got work to keep me busy, or I can get out of the flat for a walk to clear my head. I've been too sick to move for days.

The way I feel is how I used to feel when I was in my early twenties and was really struggling to get to grips with my head. I used to get absolutely gripped by this monster in my head. My chest would get all tight and my head would get all busy and I would start getting really angry and upset about absolutely everything. That would then give way to crying and paranoia... then I would start to click that my thoughts weren't rational and I'd pull myself out of it... although usually too late because I had a horrible habit of taking it out on the people closest to me, and they couldn't cope with the way they lashed out, and I'm ashamed that they had to.

At first I thought I had some kind of mental health issue, such as depression, but the older I get the more I realise it is more like a repressed anger that I'm feeling. I've had some pretty horrible things happen to me and rather than work through them I've just barged onwards and drugged myself up to the eyeballs to forget about what happened to me. There were a couple of times I tried to open up but I have a habit of choosing the wrong people and ended up with them throwing it back in my face and making me feel even worse.

So, now, I'm sitting here after having metaphorically ripped off the heads of two friends that had no idea what they'd done wrong. One of them has been in my shoes and I should have just explained to him how I was feeling and the other hasn't been in my shoes but understands how I work and would have been able to know how to deal with this if I had only realised that this was me, not him, and I feel absolutely awful about it.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. I was doing so well. I'm sure given some cigarettes and a cup of tea, and some time away from my laptop, that I'll be ok... or at least I'll calm down... I just thought I was past all this.

I wish Colm was here. He'd understand all of this because he's been where I am. I texted him but it's Saturday night and he's trying to sort things out with his girl, and I don't want to be a burden.

I just want to be ok. I want to be back in that headspace.

I'm torn, do I stay up and work through it even though I worry that I might damage myself? To be totally honest, it's times like these that I want to self harm and I don't want to go back there. It's been a long time since I've felt like I wanted to do this. It's not like I want to end my life or anything (the irony is I have so much to live for that I couldn't do it) but I do feel like I need an outlet for what I'm feeling. I don't know what to do.

Maybe it would be best to take some co-dydramol and go to bed? Maybe? I don't know. I'm going to step away and see if I can calm myself down with some camomile. Although I feel like a tranquilizer dart would be more appropriate.

At least I know I can write it all down here. I don't know if anyone reads this, but if they do, now's the time to interact and give me some advice. Please, speak to me, someone.

If I phone the doctor on Monday I can get valium and propanolol. I've been med-free (well apart from pain killers) for nearly two months and maybe this is showing me that I'm not quite ready. I feel like these shitstorms I have are maybe panic attacks?

Fuck knows.

If you read this, thank you.

I don't generally do regrets. I have had some massive fuck ups in my life and made some awful choices but there has always been a silver lining, a purpose that came out of them that couldn't have happened without these terrible choices so I don't really hold onto it and plague myself with a wish to have done things differently.

This is until recently. As I grew up I kept a shoebox of things that mattered to me or were a good point in my life. This consisted of my 10m swimming badge, letters from friends I made on my first ever trip abroad and so on. I reached a stage a few years ago where i thought it would be a good idea to start over with my life completely, I for some reason felt the need to signify this by throwing that box out due to the impulsive person that I am.

There have been a couple of points over the years where I have thought I shouldn't have done it. However the last week or two I have actually really come to regret discarding it. Firstly when I remembered that the photos of my greek holiday and the fit bar tender there were in that box.

Then today, when I really wanted to see the portrait sketch someone had done for me for £1 in a youth club I went to. I thought it was amazing because I actually looked pretty in it, he had somehow taken my best features and avoided my worst to make me pretty. Today I miss that and I want to look at it and am filled with regret over my stupid impluse that made me get rid of it.

I often use the words "beyond the mind", being clear on the fact that they don't
say anything, so I thought I'd attempt a description.

"Beyond the mind", the here and now is 'absolute'. There is nowhere else.

Think of it as losing yourself totally in moment-to-moment life (no-self).

One is so involved in the present moment that the "universe out there" doesn't
exist.

It is total, unconditional involvement (or absorption). There is nothing else but This, at any time.

This is why words don't say anything about it...

himynameispaul said:

Pure consciousness as in Existence. Existence that is Existence.

Click to expand...

It isn't existence or nonexistence. It is a flow of change that never changes (as a flow of change). Thus, it is both change and changelessness, or neither. Same difference.

The "self" is an attempted dam in the flow of change that never changes (as a dam), always stays the same -- through the belief that it spans over time, and doesn't arise/occur within the flow like everything else. It's impossible -- it never existed and never will.

Singularity. Our rationale is similar to the asymptote concept - it never hits zero. To be without a "why" and "because" would push the boundary of what it means to be human.

Click to expand...

Yes -- to not seek answers, and not experience cause and effect. That is quite beyond the mind.

The answers the mind seek are all to questions about things that have happened in the past, and are gone -- it seeks predictability, the ability to shape and control future events. Such an attempt merely repeats the past, because the past is then shaping and controlling future events, with an eye toward improving on its own imposed limitation, creating 'better' limitation that increases its ability to control and limit.

Causation is conceptualized about things that have happened in the past, as compared to other things that have happened in the past, thus it exists in the past. It's an explanation for why events that no longer exist cause other events that no longer exist. Moreover, it assumes that a single object (like a person) can cause something to happen, in isolation from everything else in the universe, which is absurd if you think about it.

I hereby verify your statement with question! Can we transcend such demarcations?

Stay tuned to find out!

Click to expand...

Yes -- the mind can be transcended, by seeing through it to the bottom and understanding its limitations. The primary limitation is that it is the past. The past limits the present, through knowledge about past events that are supposed to be the same every/most times they happen, but rarely are, resulting in history endlessly repeating itself. Thus, the mind is a state of ever-increasing limitation and repetition. The more knowledge, the more limitation/repetition ('power'). To know is to eliminate possibility.

What frees the mind is the absence of the self/psyche. Self is the movement to control, limit and secure. The mind becomes a free thinker in its absence.

Peace...

> ***********************
> demystifying the mystical

What's mystical is the human race's avoidance of what was never mystical at all... the way the human mind works when driven by desire and fear.

There's no mystery to it. For better or worse, it's rather like a clockwork. History will keep repeating itself endlessly, because the future is driven by the past (i.e. "knowledge"). And the past is fixed, unchanging. As long as the world is driven by the past, the future will keep looking like it, over and over again.

so much has happened! ive journeyed across the world and back. ive given up a lifestyle and gained anew. ive yet undergone another physical transformation. im slowly prying myself from the machine, and taking many more with me. its going to be an exciting future, no doubt.

note to self: this was right after coming back from CR

I believe memory to be a false pretense for identity. Sure, it’s all that we have to define ourselves but is that a factual statement or simply an excuse? Memory is past, but the moment is now, so how wrong is it to see oneself as the sum total of their experiences?

Click to expand...

It simply isn't true.

If you're the sum total of your experiences, put down in words who you are. Write down the sum total of all your experiences, and include a transmission of how they felt and what they looked like to you at the time, regardless of how they look to you now. Please include everything that you didn't remember, because it wasn't important at the time. And keep writing, as the writing itself is now a part of the sum total and has to be described...

There's no such thing as the sum total of all your experiences. You can't experience it, can't know it, can't think about it, can't put it down in words. You cannot sum up all your experiences. A "sum total of all that has ever happened to me" is a fuzzy concept that has no actual counterpart in reality.

To answer that, it's worth looking at what is really knowledge.

From here, 'true knowledge' is based on what is not fixed or static (i.e. beliefs). Anything that is true for all times/places, or even some times/places, is falsehood, from here.

Knowledge is based on immediate, in-the-moment responsiveness to what is going on. If it is not fixed, static, you will be amazed... you know what you need to know at all times, and you know a lot.

When there are beliefs that are supposed to apply to all times and places, you know nothing. You approach the situation based on the past, interpret a brand new event based on the past and know only what you see based on past-based interpretation.

You aren't listening. You are hearing only the past. Your response will be the same one as before.

All you get is repetition, history repeating itself again and again.

That is what is commonly referred to as 'knowledge', from here. Knowledge is the knowledge that what you know dooms the past to repeat itself, because what you know is what you know, and that's that. It doesn't change. It isn't flexible.

"true knowledge" simply wells up from within, when you hold no beliefs. It is available on-demand. It creates itself on-the-fly, it need not be learned or even known. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.

Peace...

> Why do we need to agree or disagree on anything? We can just talk, > discuss.

Just a final note on the above, fwiw -- I've encountered very few people who are interested in open discussion, and not interested in agreement/disagreement -- being OK with whatever the other thinks, being genuinely interested in sharing thoughts, rather than "aligning" thoughts, "being right".

It is very rare, IME. Social interaction for most people (particularly on Net
forums) is for making stances, and defending them.

No one seems to see the utter emptiness and repetitiveness of self/other stance games, because what is driving it, thrives on it.

It is "felt" as meaningful, important, crucial. If it doesn't happen, 'self'
doesn't feel like itself. It feels empty, meaningless.

Quite the paradox. To avoid feel empty, meaningless and repetitive, repeatedly take empty and meaningless stances.

Self feels, and acts on how it feels, and produces thoughts based on how it feels. Unfortunately, what it feels is backwards, so it acts backwardly (to reality's detriment) and thinks confusedly.

"Step 1" of transcending self for someone, might be to simply *stop* the moment one feels a reaction to something someone has said. And don't reply.

It is highly likely that the offense an other offered, was actually the defense the self threw up --

i.e. that the other did not offer any offense at all. Rather, it was 'taken',
interpreted in based on an inside-out perspective. As long as others are
interpreted as self's opposite, they can do nothing right but to treat self like God and be happy with the flames they receive in return.

Honesty is called for -- integrity. Something more important than childish
feelings that supercede everything because they *feel bad*. Then the situation can actually be examined and something can actually change.

"Other" is not self's opposite.

"Other" is a reversed view called "self", in which other is other because it is "self" seen in a reversed mirror.

It's true. These thoughts are the reader's own, thunk one at a time as they are read, and reversed to reflect something coming in from outside, rather than seen purely through a pair of eyes looking out at the words.

Nothing ever came in from outside. There are not others. All that is needed is to stop creating them in one's own reversed image.

To transcend duality, simply don't create it.

Peace...

I have never been a sweaty person. Until I started using opiates. I noticed it the most when i took 5 days off last week during those days just carrying a bit of food shopping home or running for the bus from work I would be soaked which only ever happens to me doing those things mid summer, not mid winter!

And today (morning after opiate use) a quick walk upto the local shop and i get back and once again am ridiculously sweaty. What the hell?!

I love my dogs! They mean a lot to me. They may be small but they have huge hearts and personalities all their own.

Shoshanna, 2 year old Dachshund female:


Scotti, 5 year old Westie male:


They're awesome companions who have limitless supplies of love and I am grateful to have them every single day. Even though Scotti likes to steal my slippers and make me chase him around and Shoshanna loves to bark her head off at any little noise outside.

I never knew true unconditional love until I had pets.

Here's my beloved cat Shayna who passed away last Thanksgiving at the age of 15:


I'm extremely stoned right now and have been taking extra Klonopin, 5mg instead of 4mg... but I don't think I'll run out this month... Plus last month the pharmacy fucked up my script and my put brother's name on my script so I think I can get it right after I get the script from the Doctor. Usually I have to wait a week till it can be filled. That gives me like 12 extra mgs of Klonopin to abuse. Hooray for me.

In other news, it's raining.

There's a lot of talk on how the psychedelics and dissociatives can result in spiritual insight, ego lessening, even ego death. No one ever talks about other substances, and how they may relate to this subject.

A lot of people believe that certain substances are just pleasure seeking, and have no worth at all.

The "worst" substances have something huge and dramatic to offer:

Loss. Aloneness. Death. Being abandoned by everyone. Neglecting your body. Forgetting about society and the outside world. Doing nothing. Caring about nothing. Going nuts.

Bad stuff, huh? I agree. And sometimes, bad is good.

The simple fact is that the psyche/self died here around the middle of January, 2008, following a period of heavy MDPV (methylenedioxypyrovalerone) use -- along with intensive involvement in the here/now, neglect of the body, loss of contact and involvement with others, forgetting about the outside world, etc.

There was a break in continuity -- the life story I had been living suddenly came to a halt, and was cut off. The mind turned inside-out and imploded. The self-image (my own face) dissolved, and along with it everyone else I knew and the world they existed in. All was near, intimate, contented, fulfilled, clear, simple, obvious, at peace.

One of my first thoughts, as I recall -- "What if there was nobody out there -- everybody was really *here*?" The meaning of this is inexplicable. It was simply a perfectly simple, obvious, amazing, clear revelation.


***

The revelations continue, really -- through stimulants (mostly legal/experimental ones) and their associated events, I've experienced psychic states and conditions that have altered my perspectives on life in ways I don't understand and am still examining.

It's interesting to me that people are afraid of not being able to feel emotions -- because I have gone **so far** beyond this, to the point of not being able to eat, sleep, eliminate, think clearly, know where/who I am, act to change anything, etc. People get emotional about losing emotions. There's a catch in there.

In any case, a few unusual experiences that have occurred here (during substance use):

* Feeling like a robotic mechanism or puppet, unable to act to change anything or escape a repetitive cycle of purposeless movement. Believing that it would go on for all eternity.

* Believing absolutely that I was going to experience eternal pain and torment, starting immediately. No actual pain or torment was felt, however the belief itself was not tolerable, thus did not last long.

* Living a mental dream as though it were reality, and losing touch altogether with the normal reality (psychosis).

* Experiencing a couple days as lasting several thousand years.

* Experiencing a day or two as totally timeless, or lasting moments.

* (days into MDPV use) -- falling into a state of calm and peace so perfect, the universe itself was not there.

I'm open to questions from anyone who may be interested to know what any of this was like.

These days I have absolutely no clue what is real and what isn't, don't care at all, and live life moment-to-moment as it comes, whatever it is. It is unconditional. "What it is, as it occurs". "No choice, pal."

That's the answer.

Peace...

Do I really want to post anything here?

I'll have to think about it.

I am an addictions nurse, i love my job, and totally get the patients i see.,
however, there are those days that i just don't understand how and why
they use specific things. I found this blogging website investigating my new
issue. I was hooked on bluelight instantly. The discussions on here are
amazing. I tend to have a different approach to treating my patients,
as my best friend is a severe addict, and i know what works well for her as a friend.

So what i am wondering, if there is any relevance at all, is why are some of my current users requesting only brand name gravol and not the generic???

> Nothing is itself. Everything is everything else (what it is not).
>
> This probably sounds very bizarre, but it's true. There are not actually any
opposites.
>
> The true Subject, the perceiver, the Reality, is everything that one isn't.
>

Let's look a tad deeper, play with these ideas a little.

What is the true Self, then, if it isn't me?

The true "S"elf is the rest of the universe, except for me.

Who or what is the 'me'?

The 'me' is a conglomeration of everything that isn't really what it is, and
everybody who is not really who they are. It's me, of course, as me. It's you, as you. It's everyone and everything, backwards.

It is another who isn't anyone or anything -- thus it wants to be somebody, wants to get a life, wants to possess everything.

Do you want a lot of possessions, to possess lots of things?

Only demons want to possess anything.

How does this false self dissolve, how can it? There's only one way.

For everything that is not it, to be dropped.

You don't have to lose yourself to get rid of self, to attain 'ego-death'. You have to lose everything else.

That is why the false self rarely goes.

Peace...

About a month ago, my hamster died. Pretty upsetting. I'd only had her for about nine months, but still, pets are important to me. And I live by myself, so I get close to my pets. Then, a week later, my family's cat died. I don't live with my parents anymore, but I grew up with them, my sis, and the two cats. We'd had that cat for maybe 13, 14 years? Possibly longer. My dad even cried over the cat (and my dad is not a cat person). It was very sad.
Then the worst part, I hear a couple days ago that my grandma is in the hospital! She IS alive. But she's 90 years old, she lives by herself, she can't remember anything. But she won't go into a home! But now the hospital is kind of making her go into some sort of home. Thank goodness. She can't be living by herself anyway. She lives two hours away from me and I don't drive, so I have to try and get down there sometime to visit her, hopefully next week.

Now things just seem to pile on me. I'm come down with a cold, I'm only going to see my boyfriend for like two seconds this weekend, I ripped a pair of my favourite tights, I have ants invading my house, one of my cheques was returned and I have major NSF charges because I forgot to transfer money into the right account that early. Urgggh.

I'm not one to think negatively, but sometimes it just piles on!!

U know, it's funny... I've been thinking a bit lately about how I've essentially experienced everything at this point, and when my time comes, it won't be a bad thing.

As I see it, you don't actually need to go through a life event to experience it. You need to get perspective on something, see the forest for the tree(s), transcend the tree(s) and thus see it in context of the whole Forest. That's really all.

For example, to really "know" pleasure, joy, perfect happiness and ultimate bliss, you need to face and transcend their opposites. To know anything at full depth, you must confront its opposite. At that point you don't need them anymore.

All opposites ultimately co-depend, and are one.

If you've known total pleasure and bliss, inside and out, you know what true misery and suffering is.

If you've known real sorrow in your life, you *know* true happiness.

To know fame, fortune and total success in life -- is to know loneliness, poverty and abject failure.

To "know" life totally, to truly live -- is to know death, to have an intimate familiarity with it.

To know a single other person, inside and out, is to know yourself.

And to know yourself totally, inside and out, is to know everyone, to have a complete insight into the human heart.

If you want to "know" something, really "get" it at the level of transcendence, check out its opposite -- whatever that may be. Don't bother with the "something" itself.

It isn't itself.

Peace...

Hello again. This should have come before the previous two entries. It's to fill the gap since my previous posts. I got married. And various other slightly less significant stuff. . .

I hadn't blogged for a while. The last software for BL blogs disagreed with me. It was the restricted entry size that bugged me. Recently, lots has happened so I wanted to write some of it up. Sometimes amusing or at least slightly interesting stuff occurs giving me pause for private thought. I shall endeavour to share some of these things, and a load of other stuff as I recall.

I need to wind back the clock a year or two. . .
I proposed to sweet P October 5th 2010, the day of my birthday in fact. P had set up a little surprise for me. I'd thought we should go for a spin to the White Horse (a pretend Neolithic chalk hill figure on the edge of the Moors). She said she needed to go somewhere to do something first. We set off to a village on her erand, where we stoppped outside the door of a large stone-built barn. A man came up and slid the doors open to reveal a stupendous line up of sports cars. An MGB, a Chevrolet Camaro, various ridiculous Rolls and Bentleys, and Alfa Romeo and a Triumph TR6. I got to choose one for the day. I was going to propose anyway that day, but the red TR6 as well really clinched it.

That year developed into a fairly hectic plunge towards the singularity of our wedding day (Sept 2011)
. At various times during the year, we had one or two hiccups. I hadn't quite appreciated, in my ignorance, quite what was involved in setting up a wedding, nor how much it would energise my Mrs to be. We gradually formulated a somewhat chaotic plan and by the last week before, achieved a kind of tranquility borne by the knowledge that little else could be done by then. I owe her a lot for the detailed stuff she dealt with, and most of the organisation.

During tht year, I had 3 bumper harvests with Dutch Passions White Widdow. I am currently puffing on the last batch. Ten patient weeks flowering resulted in four excessively tall, but amply loaded plants. The final two weeks brought dense crystal trichomes out in multitude. In two kilner jars, it's acruing a delicious aroma. A couple of dry spells passed by without too much craving or insomnolence. I can't be bothered to read so much without smoke around. Nor do I get too excited by practising or listening to music without. This seems a slightly unfortunate thing.

On two occasions, I got out of hand with some RC empathogens. I suspect that I behave compulsively with these materials (Specifically 5/6APB this time). I tried them both in my long running quest for empathogenic satisfaction. On both occasions, two grams were used over the space of a week. I noticed no particular difference between the two, though the comparrison is weak over the 6 month gap between them. Higher initial doses do not make a better peak. My sweet spot was probably 150 to 180mgs. Shulgin style boosting did not noticeably prolong the plateau. I spoiled initial positive feelings with futile further redoses. Got a bit disgusted with myself and after finishing the first batch, swore off the stuff. As I said, six months later, had another go with simillar results. Trouble was, that was about a month before my wedding. The fallout from these kinds of binges are usually hard to spot. My whole mindset is usually in a state of compensation for some or other neurological deficiency or other. I actually seem to get by OK like this usually. However while all the basic automatic behaviours and functions were mostly fine, stuff where I had to process, remember etc, was a bit more tricky. Luckily these problems had eased up by the wedding.

The drugs I really enjoy and approve of, were off the menu for a while. I have nice range of tryptamines on chill in the freezer, including a lifetime sized portion of DMT, my personal favorite. But with the wedding coming, I decided to leave the heavy mindbending be for a while. Sadly, I didn't resist the alure of 5/6APB. I also got two g of AMT again, after having had a enjoyed a gram 4 years ago, without getting habitual about it. I enjoy occasional euphoric trippiness with AMT, but not when I need to be at work the next day. Recently I have decided to avoid any medium/strong AMT doses. Frankly, it gives me a stinker behind the eyes at psychedelic/empathogenic doses. A sub threshold dose seem to put a sunny tint on my demeanour for a few days. Soviet antidepressants.

I now have two nephews courtesy of my middle younger brother and his fiancee. Last weekend P and Iwere asked to be Godparents to the youngest. Mum and dad are getting older and dearer. They werea great help with the wedding arrangements. Dad didn't seem keen to put on a suit again, especially one of such distinct formal grandeur. Anyway, me and the seemstress gave him a cheer of approval when he revealed himself from the changing room. He looked superb and realised it I suspect.

My no1 younger bro was best man. I lumbered him there a bit since like me, he is not very keen on public stuff etc. However, though I have several good close mates, my bro is the one who has always been available, never too judgemental, and supportive as required. My youngest bro was a major help in organising things. We asked him to chaufeur us on the day in a dark green vintage Jaguar.

The day of our wedding came last September 17, and things went beautifully. The British isles were enjoying turbulent weather due to the tail end of the sytem that caused upset NY the previous month. But over the church, sunny blue skies remained, an island of fine weather. I made the vows I should have made years ago to my beautiful wife. Since then, our bond has grown ever stronger.
It's now February and I have started to feel like blogging again. This entry is a kind of catch up / scene setting excercise.
Peace Pipp.