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I always have a hard time coming up with titles of my blog, but heres whats really going on with me atm.

got kicked out of the place that i was currently staying at due to my drinking and blackingout without knowing what i did the other night. the last straw was a few nights ago, i drank 11? steel reserve tallboys, and dropped some 2ci. needless to say i couldnt handle it. trippd my shit, and woke up the next morning with my roomate beating on my door telling me 'what do you think this is?my house isnt some fucking trap house, so pack your shit and get the fuck out', here i was still tripping pretty hard, and the look in his eyes were serious, i really couldn't make out any words besides 'are you serious?', then i started to clean up my mess, and he left. came back shortly later, then his girlfriend came over later. i still have no clue what i did that night.
few days go by with us hardly saying a word to each other, one night 2 nights ago, he knockd on my door while i was 'fake asleep', and told me that we have to talk. i'm like sure man whats up, so we go outside and he tells me that things arn't working out, and he wants me gone. getting fucked up the other night was the topping on the cake.
Imideatly my brain starts rushing in 'oh shit im going to be sleeping in my car again, brought back all those painful memories of shooting H nodding out n my car trying 2 sleep at a mc donalds parking lot, or where ever i found a quiet parking spot (hopefly had wifi). so i start thinking of oh shit what do i do? needless to say i couldnt sleep that night and had 2 be at work at 7am the next morning, work sucked that day, i couldnt stop thinking about what i was going to do and where i was going to lay my head that night. work dragd by slow as fuck, when i was off i went back 'here' and asked my roomate if i could stay for tonight and ill have my shit packed and ready to leave tommmrow. guess he said okay because we didnt talk to much after that.
so i went to my room started to pack all my cloths in black garbage bags, cleaned my room, and now thats all left is take the sheets off my bed and load my car up.
here it is the next day around 12pm, and i have work in 3 hours, no mins on my phone so i cant call anyone, was able to talk with a friend of mine and she said i could crash on her couch. which has saved me alot of racing thoughts and anxiety about where i will sleep, only downturn is she lives about 30ish mins away from work, and i also am wannted because of a failure to appear. so knock on wood nothing happens to me within my trips to her place and work eachday.
still feeling rough about all of this, feel like a fucking hopless pos that cant seem to get his shit togetehr. luckly i had a few friends that talked with me to keep me from doing the inevitable.
i dont know if she has internet, or what.. so this might be the last of me until something else happens.
well wish me luck with what i'll be doing and etc, and i'll talk to you all later,
ds

What is this...day 5 in a row of me doing dope all day? I still have plenty of dope left. How much longer can this continue?

I'm in for some tough withdrawals but I can give a fuck less right now. Life hasn't been treating me well lately and i'm not going to sit here sober and depressed. Give me dope for some short-lived hope. I know there's no "hope" in dope but their sure as hell is relief from life. On the brightside, I haven't taken any MXE during this binge so at least that addiction has been temporarily broken.

Whoever said don't deal with life's bullshit with drugs must've been on drugs lol. It's only way I can stay sane while dealing with sooo much tough shit at the moment.

So im having a really bad day. I had two beers which threw me over the edge. I don't know what to do as I'm paranoid/manic and depressed. Arrgg

So i've gotten into a fuck buddy type of deal with this chick that I met. She's a serious IV drug addict. I like the girl but she's just bringing me down at this point. I though have a fuck buddy/drug buddy would be a whole thing but whole thing just feels shallow. She obviously just wants to get blasted and have sex. Afterwards it's like we never met. Just such and empty affair. I though I would love it but honestly i'm not this shallow of a person. I need to be at liked/loved by a girl to be with her. We need to at least be friends otherwise the sex feels completely empty.

Also, her drug addiction is really severe and I can't do anything to help her. All she cares about is her next high and sometimes we even cop together. This is all leading me to do more and more opiates/benzos. Not a good situation at all and I really need to find a way to end this thing (whatever it is). I mean i'm a guy and I still want to have sex with her but I also need to break off all contact with her if i'm going to get my addictions under control. Oh and did I mention that we work together?

Blah, just my luck, single for over a year and when I finally find someone it's a fucking disaster. I guess this whole situation just proved that I need something more then a fuck buddy situation but i'm still not completely over being dumped by the only girl i've ever loved two years.

Also, in the past week I got into a fender bender AND a speeding ticket. How much worse can my luck get seriously? All this bullshit is just making me want to numb my self out with heroin and klonopin which is what I plan to do all week . Life's a bitch ain't it?

Or always have I been? Fuck, I keep getting panic attacks, intense moodswings. My sleep patwtern has never been good, but Slept for 4 hours since Friday or Saturday.. I don't know.

I saw shadow people for the first time last night, riding back to my house. fucking weird. Paranoia keeps embarrassing me, I keep pranging out my friends/housemates are talking the piss out of me and are against me. I am either hearing the truth, Last night was bad.. It takes so much energy to move, so hard to type I've got double vision trying to type this.

Uhmy vision keeps going black too. I haven't had anything to my recollection food wise since Friday. I have no money till Friday, just a fuck load of drugs. Binging constantly. Staying up for days. What the fuck.

What the fuck, literally the whole day I felt great and now the dooming sail of shit has arrived. How do you get rid of this physical constant feeling of doom?

Wow I am pathetic. I keep taking huge overdoses, I just figure fuck it, I can't go on like this.

When did I become this? Is it obvious I have a problem?
Argh I'm just going to get so fucked I can sleep.

Also, my speech is getting terrible. I just can't communicate.

Fuck this, this is why I love drugs. They relieve that horrible guilty feeling. I

I guess klonpin and atarax make you type dumb threads on bluelight

Me and my girlfriend have been together going on 6 years this coming January. I don't know if we're going to make it but I pray that we do make it to our 6th anniversary and beyond. I just feel like she's getting really tired of my shit. Which I can't blame her. She started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist last month. I'm happy for her, I want her to get better. She deserves someone better than me, I always tell her. But I am selfish and want to keep her for me.

So what the fuck do I do, man, what do I do.

I feel like she can be this soaring eagle and I'm just a huge weight tied to her ankle so she can't even spread her wings and fly. God, that was so cheesy.

I've been doing heroin since last night at around 8pm. I'm gonna be fucked soon. Another fucking kick for me. Then I get my oxycodone script. Then I fuck with those for a week maybe and another kick. The opiate roller coaster, man...

I am so mentally tired it's not even funny... But I don't even give a shit. As long as I have dope I'm a happy camper. Sick, ain't it? Fucking hell.

Well... at least I can go to bed early tonight... sleep till my therapy appointment, heh.

Or sleep forever...

I screwed up. I have no money, I fucked up my job and my education. My university has currently withdrawn me, although I'm appealing. I've waited since the 14th of September to hear the outcome, have submitted further evidence but am still waiting. During this time I also managed to screw up my job, by missing 2 shifts due to feeling like utter shit and not being able to get out of bed.I've been a pathetic mess, avoiding human contact and spending a solid week in my room, just laying there, feeling like shit.

I felt slightly better a couple days ago, got out of the house and got on with applying for new jobs, meeting up with friends and contacting my uni's registry. But still, nothing. If they chuck me out, I won't get a student loan which will been I'm double fucked. My last pay check has gone, and my phone is broken so I can't hear if any of my applications have been successful.

What do I do? I'm back to hiding in my room, hungry, broke and pathetic, checking my email and hoping someone will get back to me.

Ah my first blog entry! well what fun

Science was always one of my favorite subjects in high school especially chemistry. Once I had got into college a few years back I had lost all interest in everything and became very lazy and anxious with people. I left college and left home resulting in a downwards spiral. I had only tried a few things such as cocaine and weed once by this point.

A few years ago I decided to try MDMA. I hate to seem like one of those cheesy advocates but MDMA changed everything for me!

Since then I have always wanted to know how it works and had also started to experiment with other substances. Since I have had an internet connection and got myself out of a spiral of silliness I am on the rite track to knowledge

It was a slow start at first and I thought I would never anywhere close. I am still only a beginning to understand. I'm having so much fun learning new things all the time and once I got the ball rolling things are easier to pick up. I start studying again soon and I can't wait!

I don't know what else to say. I have never had a blog before so to be honest I feel a little silly writing all this rubbish haha!

Much love

Over time after not speaking or expressing very much in general, the mind begins to collect its own thoughts and direction, eventually the body begins to calm and organize and so does the mind, listening to what the body needs more clearly and instinctively, on a cellular level this will reciprocate.

Nothing can divert me from this process and it has started, this is a calling and what I feel there is to be expected is to make a further connection with the spirit my thoughts and self, all of my surroundings, to better appreciate the harmony of the environment, and how every thought, feeling and action made, word spoken effects everything else.

The energy put into speaking and sex is the most draining, and as far as my health or anyones with the right effort mauna could be of great benefit. No I'm not insinuating celibacy, but it might be difficult...
;-p

This is not superstition...if I say something accidently, there is no starting over or punishment.

some days i think about her more than others. today was one of those days where she was in the forefront of my mind for the majority of the day.

this morning i woke up thinking about her. i was flat, unmotivated and just sad.

thought about you the whole way to work. i often think about you most when i'm driving. i always chuck a good cd on and crank it loud to try and sidetrack my mind.

tonight after dinner this stupid show was on in the back ground. Farmer wants a wife. one of those "reality" tv shows where two people are looking for love, etc etc. this particular episode was the final of the series where the farmer had to pick his girl with the plan to be together and "live happily ever after".

i found myself sitting there watching, saying how bullshit it is that these two people supposedly love each other and are going to live happily ever after. it just doesn't happen... that's what i tell myself anyway.

but when i stop to take a step back, i realise that's just me thinking like that intentionally because it's easier to sit there and watch these two people that may well be the love of there lives and say it's bullshit, than it is to sit there and think about the opportunity i destroyed with someone i loved so much, but never had the courage to truly open up and let them in.

according to me, true love doesn't exist -- when really, yes it does, i just choose not to believe it because it's easier.


i would do anything to go back into time and fix my mistakes. i am so stuck with what i did. i can't let go, i cannot forgive myself.

something once so good destroyed by something so naive, heartless and stupid that was me.

i'm my own biggest disappointment in this world. somehow i'm meant to let go of what i did and move on. but to say i have faith and i'm motivated is just a front. pretending is exhausting. deep down it feels so pointless.

all i want to do is disappear without anyone ever knowing. without anyone ever making a fuss. just vanish as if i never existed. but no matter how much of a disappointment i am to myself, i would never do that to my family who i am so fortunate to have. their love and what they've done for me since the day i was born is the only thing that keeps me going. if i was to just disappear, it would be such a waste and pointless of everything they've done for me. they don't deserve that. neither does she, the person i hurt so much and inevitably destroyed the best thing i ever had going in this life.

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I was going down a dark dark path with the tussin. It's a poision Ans It was painful to have to go to the psychward just to see that I had to get rid of that problem. I was enjoying it to much and ppl say you can't get addicted to that but thats bs. You can when weed only makes you talk to walls and paranoid and you would never touch H or Ice ever again. It's fun don't get me wrong but, our bodies weren't made to take on most of the challenges we face thru drugs. I think that cop was sent by God and he intervined because He saw how much damage I was doing. Now I have legal matters but I;m not stressing. I know they'll come and pass.

I'm not sure of the wisdom of this post considering I'm almost 3 certifications deep away from a very successful IT career (at the tender age of 24 at that :) however I've been a member of this forum for a few years and I feel as though here I am amongst friends not to mention this blog section is neatly tucked away to everyone's convenience, I suppose. Alright to the latest events in my ever populated life of religious corruption, inane drug use, and at times (as I will get into) borderline insanity.

This situation started with a simple order. 5 grams of South African kief from my supply. Normally my orders take around a week to arrive (at least the same amount sent to me as a freebie). His statement is it can take up to 3 weeks to arrive however after a week I became concerned. I kicked up my study schedule so that gave me the sort of jolt that I can say to myself I'm okay and still on track. This concern quickly turned into depression. I felt as though nothing in my life was going right and I couldn't make a simple sane decision. I spent the majority of time in bed during the day and began drinking in the morning. I topped off with a bottle of wine around 7 am coupled by a Buspar. I also have been booting person after person from my life for next to no reason. I have had wall screaming episodes (not at anyone in particular) to the point where my older woman I am currently "dating" chose to call the police supposedly out of concern of a second girlfriend in my apartment that I "might have been abusing". I am far from abusive as a boyfriend but she was concerned. Nothing came of it and I actually developed a good relationship with local authorities from it.

Finally my package arrived just as I knew it would: when I least expected. I had bought 8 ounces of some high quality British tobacco so I immediately rolled a hand pressed hash cigarette. Delicious to say the least. I rolled another than another then realized if I were to eat that day I would have to hit up the apartment grill (a pretty nice gas lazyman) and began marinating and seasoning the steaks. So I did as stoned as I was grabbed a Natty Ice packed my usual bag of condiments and walked to the grill. Drank my beer relatively quickly and just sat down in an absolutely stoned manner and waited to flip. Later my pot smoking neighbor showed up. I owed him a few bucks so I had been avoiding him for the last few months. I didn't hesitate to offer him a session of hand pressed hash. He agreed so I finished cooking and we met upstairs in his apartment. We must have smoked 3 grams of completely pure kief out of his bong. He also gave me a shot of patron and some mdpv. I loved it and wanted more and more but he cut me off. Which is good I suppose. We matched up and I began buying weed. No big. Owed him some cash so I loaned my laptop knowing that my father would quickly take it out of hock. He also owed me more than required to pay. That led to my phone and ps3. By the time I sold my phone and bought my last bag I had tenbucks left over. Here comes the drama right lol?

I decided I haven't done computer duster in a while so I was going to pick up a can and give it a go. Immature to say the least. I did and began huffing. I didn't like it and it made me retarded I actually did my entire first can in my bathtub with running water which I would turn off and on with my foot. Dangerous but I was confident about my judgement 8). I preceded to pawn my ps3 which I spent on 2 more cans of dust off that day. The third can came in and my dad opened my apartment door. I was relatively coherent but had a line of drool on my chin and bugged out eyes along with a half empty can of dust off on the floor. He simply told me I was going to ruin my brain (which I need for my studies *cue punch line drum beat*). And suggested the next day I go to fair oaks a pleasant mental facility that I have enjoyed a few stays at in the past. I said I'd considered it. The next day I bought another can as soon as the store opened killed it and then went to my parents house to scrape change for a final one. I killed it and laid down on my new comforter with bugged out eyes waiting for the inevitable. As soon as my dad came I asked to go Fair Oaks.

I spent four nights and actually was stabilized on my meds. I feel amazing and through the paxil lamictal and buspar I actually feel stable and somewhat stress free. I mainly went to loose that short period of craving nitrous always brings and so I wouldn't get any bright ideas only a few days later. Like my fucking flat screen. I'm glad I went and even met a local girl who seemed to be pretty into me. I'm not advocating dating mental patients (which includes my self) but she was sweet affectionate and even introduced herself to my parents and hers. A little early of course but I thought it was generous move. She gave me her number along with a call me! . If nothing else its flattering and reassuring seeing as how I have blown off most women I've dated since since my ex and the baby at times I doubt even exists. This includes the nut I met in rehab who was on probation for vehicular manslaughter for doing dust off while driving on the highway. Attractive young 20 year old though so I suppose I may not have the healthiest taste in women.

Today I am happy to see I am *healthier* mentally then when I came in. No desire to scream or act out and able to focus. I might try to score some prescribed adderall and klonopin to get me through the stress of the 7-10 years of hard work of ahead of me however I am confident sans marriage or a child I am responsible for I can accomplish it. If I ever have kids of my own I am definitely hiring a nanny until 13. I want them to be educated in formal manners such as those of british royalty. Ballroom dancing, correct soup eating, and how to properly introduce themselves. Nevertheless I am at the very least less interested in drugs. I am almost positive I will not be getting 100% sober but on my meds my desire to get high has lessened greatly. I encourage all those with dual diagnoses who are concerned with usage to take their medication. Crazy is Beautiful is something someone drew there and it kind of struck a receptor in me no pun intended. Maybe before I get serious I can still date crazy chicks though. Either way I'm about done with the everyday desire to use cocaine and smoke marijuana. I have a strong desire for a successful future and this will take more than a few years of work. Alright end of soap box and horn tooting I have said more than enough.

I hope everyone's week was better than mine or at least as eventful.

With love,

Spooky Snacks

dunno why im writing this but anyway in 2006 i took 1 capsule of a legal (at the time) high every day. i cant remember what the main ingredient was but im pretty sure it was bzp. the capsules were orange and i bought in bulk to save money. the thing is that i didnt even realise i was taking them. i mean i knew i was taking them in the logical sense, but i just cant believe that i took this stuff every single day with no ill effects.

i had some brilliant times during this period with a lot that i cant remember. i probably didnt do my liver any favours looking back.

if i was to take bzp or mbzp now i can guarantee i would feel like shit the next day, but somehow i went on a 6 month binge (unintentional) without any drastic negative happenings.

hmm yeah

hmmm

And i need to get laid.
The end.

somehow along the lines of child hood, growing up, i found myself with this belief that if it appears to be too good to be true, than chances are it is too good to be true.

it's not such a bad rule to acknowledge. but at the same time, sometimes you have to let go and test the water. see if it is actually too good to be true, because if you never test it, you'll never really know exactly what is true and what is too good to be true.

Well, I'm lying on my back in my bed after spending the last hour moderating the DC and OD forums here on Bluelight, and I'm trying to think back to one other single productive activity that I took part in today, and I'm truly at a loss.

When I woke up in the morning I ate breakfast and then left the house to get on the train to head to my methadone clinic. However, before I got to the station my mind changed gears and I thought "I want to get high instead". So I tried my luck at 10 O'Clock in the morning to get a hold of my heroin dealer, and sure enough he picked up. I then hopped onto the train and rode it in the opposite direction of my methadone clinic, and copped a few bags of heroin, which I then shot up in the park.

I then decided to skip class and go down to Barnes and Nobles to waste some time there. I first walked around union square and talked to some familiar faces though.

Ugh, I just don't have the energy to write anymore here, or try and be unique or intelligent. Just the same old bullshit. A quest for drugs masked under a hundred different reasons, and all the reasons are excuses.

.....Europe and I have:
-Fallen totally in love with Amsterdam- didn't wanna leave- was my paradise.
-Decided that European men are gorgeous
-Found that people in The Netherlands and Germany are super nice
-Noticed you can buy disposable bullet vibrators out of vending machines at gas stations
-Developed a distaste for English Accents....the people in London seemed so rude! The accent just started to grate on my nerves after so long
-Driven faster than ever on the Autobahn
-Drank Heineken fresh from the brewery
-Discovered that people here are FAR more artistic and generally awesome lol
-Learned, while cruising along through canals in Amsterdam and the Amstel River, that I don't want to touch the water
-my nose twisted about having to pay to use the bathroom anywhere. That's so unfair!
-confusion about why all bottles of water are tiny and 2 euros Boo.
-Ate Jager Schnitzel at a REAL german place and was disappointed when it came with fries lol
-had the scariest experience with my brother when I saw exactly as he would appear if he were dead on the streets of Amsterdam. Not a good moment.
-So far, had the best coffee in London. Surprising to me but I will update as I'm heading to Italy soon and have 3 cafes here in the area of Germany I'm currently staying in within walking distance
-Think I was born in the wrong country.


.....More to come!!!

Well, Canterbury weren't built in a day, croaked regimental corporal Johnathon monobrow in his soft hovis bread northern accent.

(His breath smelled of nostalgia with a hint of yeast).
'Enough with these surreptitious rambling meanderings scolded lady gravy.

Hey! 'It's all gravy baby' jeered air pilot Alexander extraordinaire, whilst mustering enough theatrical eyebrow to seduce even the ladiest of ladies.

'It's about time we took this by storm' shouted lady gravy.

'EVERYONE!
Buckle up the battle hatches and board the airship.
We shan't be cack-handed scoundrels when calibrating this missionary'.

We must be impeccable. In Peckham, able. And ready to strike at a moments notice.

Billy bracket aided fanatically by bostick post its and sellotape, goaded himself in to position.

77 foot sterling northeast was the emerald city. Aka, Peckham.

Johnathon monobrow removed his spectacular spectacles. Clarice cliff titanium framed items. With "Albanian tap handle V hinges"©.
The man was all about style; 'he who has the snaz' (and all that jazz) was his philosophy.

'LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD' he shouted.....

Friday October 26th 2012
React & Silver Wrapper Present....

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George, my partner, and I swerved along the road. I was in love. The music. The people. The car ride.

George made me feel this way and we were about to pick up my ex girlfriend, Crystal from a gas station. We would most likely have sex. I would be uplifted.

"I think I should become a DJ. I would be the best DJ in the world." George exclaimed.
"I don't care George. If you want it. Do it." I replied, annoyed by his self-centered giddiness.

We arrived at the gas station. Crystal unloaded a cluster of stolen goods into my car. Her eyes were tired, dilated and sunken in. Her body looked depraved. At least George was in good shape. Neither of them were mentally stable.

"Hi!" she squealed. Smacking on a piece of gum. Her make-up was far over done. I gave her a kiss. Her lips were dry. George stared from the front seat like a starving dog.

"We should have a threesome." George suggested.
"No George. No two-guy threesomes." I spouted.

Crystal laughed as we rode away from the Gas station.
"I should stop hanging out with you guys." I bluntly stated. I looked at my eyes in the mirror. My pupils were large. I had no color to my eye except black.

George struck me in the stomach hard enough that I doubled over in pain at the wheel. I owed a debt to them. A debt of pleasure.

That night a faint slapping, moaning and breathing could be heard from the other room as George sat by himself. He cried. Sex is all he needed. The envy of being the third wheel was far too much. George loved the world and everyone in it. When he said he loved a person, he meant it. When feelings for George were lost, he was lost too.

But I didn't need to be doing this to myself. Crystal will break my heart as the sun rises and she goes home. Not even the compassion and love of George would save me.

I crushed Crystal and threw it in the toilet. I drank George, but I was running out. I felt relaxed at the moment, but in a few hours I would need to get more. I liked to love. To dream. But I was alone. I gazed at my ungodly dilated pupils. The world hated me, but I loved them.

I fucking hate almost everyone right now. I'm sick of everyone and everything. I need something new... somewhere new... maybe even a new substance...

I got ridiculously drunk on Monday... alcohol mixed with Suboxone and Klonopin isn't the best time... I should have went home but I went to therapy instead like a fucking train wreck.

I was with my best friend M... who was my best friend/drug buddy in High School... we had a lot of fun together... He ended up being gay and I ended up being bisexual and that was comical. Nothing seems to kill me. My liver will probably give out soon, though. One can only hope, right?

I've given up on everything.

I'm craving male attention for some reason, even though I love my girlfriend and she's way more than I deserve...

But I miss having a male partner. A boyfriend. And it's not my girlfriend's fault... she's great... she's just... not a man.

I've only been in 2 serious relationships in my life. 4 years with my ex-boyfriend and coming up on 6 years with my girlfriend.

I was supposed to marry and have kids with my ex boyfriend but a bunch of fucked up shit happened and we broke up in 2005. Then I was just "dating" or rather sleeping around with random dudes ... I was 19 years old so I guess it's not unheard of but none of them were interesting. I need someone who is my intellectual equal or even smarter than I am. (I'm not trying to say I'm really smart; I just slept with a bunch of dudes who were hot and had huge cocks but no fucking brains... Ugh, truth is painful. I'm not proud of that. It's just true.) Then this one dude I knew since we were really young would come over my house to hang out. I'd be getting drunk and stoned and he'd keep trying to sleep with me but I didn't want to sleep with him because he wasn't very attractive and he had a small dick. (Oops.)

But he was a big guy. So we're alone in my apartment (mistake), I'm getting drunk and stoned (mistake), and he starts trying to make out with me and the next thing I know he's fucking me, with me unable to do anything because he was so strong. I was cursing him out and telling him to get the hell off of me and all that other bullshit but I guess that's kind of the definition of rape.

He still lives in my neighborhood and I see him sometimes but he doesn't look at me if I pass him in the street. He has a 2 year old kid and I'm still "friendly" with his mom but I've never told anyone about this shit and I don't know why I'm writing about it now. I guess I deserved it. I shouldn't have let myself be alone with such a fucking asshole. I shouldn't have gotten drunk and high.

I should have slit my wrists a long time ago.