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so this morning i woke up around 10ish, and the girl that i'm staying with woke up soon after. i made some instant coffee because i dindt want to wake up the girl (i had 2 grind the coffee beans etc), then we went and walked her dogs etc. i got back to her place took a shower then started my day, told her that i had to work so i left about noon or so, called work and asked if they needed me, they said nope so i was off today which was a good thing. so i headed to the local libary and got on my computer and played a few games(which lasted about 6 hours lol), after the libary closed i went 2 wendys and got 3cheese burgers, and drove over here to mc donalds bcus wendys doesnt have free wifi. so here i am at mc donalds.. still hungry bcus those burgers didn't cut it. so im waiting until about a lil after ten before i head back to her place. and prob hangout b4 i go 2 bed. im actully pretty high right now on my neurontin so im feeling chilled out. cant take to much of the shit because it once put me into a seziure. so gotta be carful with it.
anyways when i sign off ill probs not be on till 2moro or something, she doesnt have the internet so ill spend my time playing some n64 emulators or something. who knows what will go on..
anyways todays been a good day, not 100% productive, but its okay for now.

:D

I am finally clean of all drugs bar nicotine & prescribed lithium!
I am no longer selling myself to whoever is willing to pay for half hour of my, ahem, company, in order to pay for shit to 'stimulate' me.

Three weeks now of total cleanliness. Yes, it's very early days & I've had much longer clean periods in the past, that have seen me revert to constant, daily usage - this time I WANT to be clean though.

I'm also quite content & happy.

I am well aware that should events happen that change my little bubble for the worse, giving me a negative outlook, I'll probably go straight back to my old friends class A's & B's, but for now, I'm remaining positive & hoping that should negative forces impact on my world, I will have the strength to get through them clean.

Next week, MM has been on a bender! (I hope not!)

Peace out people, much love MM xxx

so went to this haunted house here in town called 'sloss furnace', its some historic iron/steel furnace where 300+ men died at, and why not make it a haunted house? i went with this girl thats been letting me crash with her, so had fun there,got pretty scarred a few times because people would %ump out and shreek, or be doing crazy shit.
glad i was off yesterday because i had to do a few things, like buy shampoo,toothbrush,deoderant,toothpaste, razors, and a cellphone card. so minus all expences yesterday im down to $40+ in my wallet, and its not even close to payday again (friday) so going to have to put $20 in my gastank, buy a pack of roll up smokes, and conserve the hell out of the remaining $ i have. shit sucks because i worry about money alot, and driving back n forth 2 work 30min or so drive eats my gas up. but atleast i have a place to stay atm, have to help her walk her dogs n stuff like that, it does suck in someways because im here at mcdonalds on their internet typing this blog. brings up the darkdays of when i was sleeping in my car strung out on dope. fucking hated that shit.
dont know how the rest of the day will play out but have to be in @ work in less then a few hours, so nothing good is going to happen there because the guy that kicked me out of his place is my manager and im sure hes going to make my life hell for the night. eh i try to think that things could be worst, like i could have no place to work, no where to sleep, no money, no food,shit like that. fornow im okay with the shit i mentioned. i get off work early tonight because its sunday, so after work going to head to girls house and dunno,. i really havnt made a move on her yet.. taking things slow because shes a close friend of mine, and dont want to ruin it. i hope that she understands. anyways its always good to write about whats going on in my life, and i hope people read this and learn from my mistakes in life.
much love
ds

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My Uncle is on the board of a major International Pharmaceutical Company.

Just like any security leaks that mysteriously find their way into the media spot-light. Whether it be an exposed secret love affair from emails sent, bugged recorded phone calls, naked picture texts from politicians etc, celebrities and actors gossip, or there's the good old fashioned snooping on a left-on laptop in my uncle's office when I was drinking with my uncle and he passed out.

Drug Code Name: 1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit [Acronym for its Chemical Composition]

1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit: Overview
Placebo Drugs Incorporated, the Pharmaceutical Industry Leaders, develop, produce and market quality drugs licensed for use as medications, and are proud to present our most innovative discovery and product yet: 1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit (Brand name yet to be decided).

Our new miracle drug 1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit is a world first and a major break through in Pharmacology, which is the study of medicine, our speciality!

It is the world's most powerful and euphoric drug, a brand new multiple-use-management drug with a "3-way synergistic system" that is approximately 60,000 times more potent compared with Morphine and 45,000 times stronger than Methamphetamine, and 90 times the strength of Adrenochrome, which is extracted from the tongue of the Japanese Fugu puffer fish.

1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit has been in development for the last 5 years, with the worlds leading chemists collaborating on this $8000,000 project to produce a drug that will benefit millions of people around the globe.
1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit is a totally new concept, we call it the revolutionary "3-way synergistic system", the first of its kind as this has never been achieved before.

We have also found 3 brand new receptors in the brain which were never previously known to exist.
The first chemical works on the new Opioid receptor, the second chemical works on the new Methamphetamine receptor, and third new chemical works on the new Adrenochrome receptor.
With this new "3-way synergistic system" working together instead of fighting against each other, you have perfect harmony and balance. A pain relief management system without feeling drowsy, tired and fatigued. A kick-start to the day to give you an energy boost and that smarter edge at work, and last but not least a relaxed and calm well being feeling that wards off depression from today's busy and stressful lifestyle.

1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit will be promoted as a broad spectrum first line of defense, cure all miracle drug.

These include the following medical conditions:
- Ambition
- Do I look Fat-in-these-Jeans Syndrome
- Boredom
- Broken Hearts
- Blame Everybody-Else Disorder
- Camel Toe
- Camel Balls
- Dysphoria
- Drug Addiction
- Enjoyment of Life
- Enthusiasm
- Facebook Addiction
- Flatulence
- Gainful Employment
- Giving a Toss
- General Ass-Hole Personality Disorder
- Having a Bad-Day Syndrome
- Honesty
- Happiness
- I Hate-My-Job Syndrome
- I Hate-My-Life Syndrome
- Impotence
- Inferiority Complex
- Irritable Mother In-Law Syndrome
- Irritable Boss Syndrome
- Integrity
- Intelligence
- High Self Esteem
- Monday-itis
- Over Achievement
- Premature Ejaculation
- Productivity
- Stress
- Truthfulness
- Under Achievement
- World Peace (to be confirmed)

1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit should be available for release to the public for medicinal use to patients by Medical Practitioners and Psychiatrists at the completion of its six month trial on humans by December 25th 2011.

With a double-blind trial study conducted, 95% of all the subjects tested became addicted to 1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit and generally lost the ability to function normally in society and carry out their day to day activities, and were worse off than before they used 1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit.
We predict our Company will make ten billion dollars before this drug is banned and withdrawn from public use. (Note: Do not print)

It will most likely carry a minimum age restriction of 10 years and over and will be available on prescription only. (Due to it's carcinogenic properties - Do not print)

Administration of 1DiK-1VAge-2BAL-2Tit:
Not to be taken if chocolate chip cookies are consumed within the last 3 hours.
For best results take daily with a grain of salt.

* W A R N I N G ! *​

NOTE:: This is my personal and detailed experience with my 'Needle Fixation' and the 'Intravenous Drug Injecting Ritual' so it's written very explicitly.
Do not read on if this content will trigger you, leave this page now...you have been warned!
(Don't winge, complain and moan afterwards like a little bitch if you do read on)

In Love with the 'Intravenous Drug Injecting Needle Fixation Ritual' more than the actual drug itself::
These are my personal thoughts and emotions about the love of the ritual of injecting intravenous drugs so it is written very graphically in a first person perspective to get the true full impact, mindset and thoughts and emotions about what goes through my mind in the build up to the injecting process. I DO NOT discuss the actual pushing of the plunger, or the drug effects and stop just before hand. Although I was tempted to describe the rush and effects etc in my colourful use of language lol, but that may have been looked upon as glamorizing the drug experience, so maybe that can be my sequel

This thread is not meant to glamorize IV drug use which we all know is a very dumb, stupid, dangerous and unhealthy practice, not to mention very addictive to most that have tried this ROA, and potentially lethal.

I always wondered why anyone would find pleasure in stabbing themselves with needles as I have always had a major fear of needles for the last 47 years to the extent I would not even get blood tests done, until a lady friend introduced me to IV'ing a year ago after I said I would give it a try but just as a oncer.

The Ritual::
All week I've been waiting for this day to come like a kid waiting for Christmas, fantasizing, lusting, day dreaming, waiting, waiting and more waiting...
I'm feeling excited and semi-euphoric just walking out of the Pharmacy with my weekly pickup of prescribed medications, as I know in about one hour I will be in blissful ecstasy.
I eagerly rush home in a dream-like state floating one foot above the ground with my bundles of joy in plain sight and closely guarded like the crown jewels. I glance occasionally at my goodies with the same flirtatious look you give your lover. My ritual has just begun.

I love the preparation stage immensely and drag it out for as long as I can, for me this is like foreplay.
The bottom drawer in my dresser has all my injecting equipment, 200+ assorted syringes, varying sized gauge luer-lock needles, cotton filters, various sized micron wheel filters, alcohol swabs, sterile distilled water, assorted professional tourniquets, sharps containers and my trusty, shiny silver soup spoon. (thanks to the needle exchange)

I carefully set out all my medical equipment neatly on my bed and bedside dresser in tidy piles with the precision of a surgeon, and now my room does look like my own private surgery.
I subconsciously feel like I'm a Doctor or Nurse prepping a patient, some kind of twisted role playing game is being acted out and I'm totally immersed in it and enjoying every minute of it too.

Hands washed, spoon sterilized and alcohol swabbed, the room is quiet as there is no need for music yet so I can hear the amplified sounds of this medical procedure. The sound of blister pack foils bursting open and the tablets clinking as they fall into the spoon, the tearing and crunching sounds of cellophane and paper from luer-lock syringe and needle packets being ripped open, which are attached to the barrel like a silencer of a gun.

Sterile distilled water is added and the tablets swell and magically dissolve like fluffy marshmallows, the mixture is lovingly stirred with the needle cap until it disappears and turns into a liquid solution, cotton filter added, solution drawn up, micron filtered, the clink clank sound flicking the syringe with my fingernail is music to my ears. I am hypnotised watching the air bubbles rise to the top of the syringe with the same familiarity as gazing at my favourite sparkling wine's bubbles float to the surface in a wine glass. A fine jet of white laser-light liquid potion squirts out of the needle tip like a water fountain. I'm ready.

I'm in a trance-like state now as all my senses are extremely heightened and totally aware, concentrated and focused. Time has no meaning or use, there is no yesterday, there is no tomorrow, there is only now, this wonderful moment.
Alone in my room I catch a momentary glimpse of someone in the mirror, a man with a silly smirk on his face and glazed-over eyes staring back at me. It does not register.

The strong scent of isopropyl alcohol wafts through the air from the alcohol swabs being unfolded, I feel the alcohol swabs refreshing coldness glide over my skin like ice. I hear velcro mesh together as the tourniquet is gently fastened around my arm, immediately my veins spring to life and begin to bulge.
The tension is mounting as I try and steady myself and get my body comfortable and in the right position, I take a few deep breaths to get rid of any twitches and nerves. I can feel my blood pulsing through my body and can hear my heart beating so loudly I'm sure my neighbours can hear it as-well.

I mentally picture myself standing on a sprinter's running track shaking my hands at my sides, head rolling from side to side, just about to enter the starters block, that's the feeling I get every time, complete excitement mixed with nervous anticipation.

Absolute precision and accuracy are what's required next for a successful shot. One false move and its all over, a wasted shot if I miss and all that preparation and waiting for nothing.
I grip my implement the way I've been shown many times before like a delicate pen, spinning the barrel till I see the bevel of the needle catch a glint of light and it sparkles almost like an eye winking at me.

Vein ready, check. Bevel up, check. Angle ok, check. Grip ok, check. Two fingers on the plunger to jack back when registered, check. It's time.

I slowly inch the needle point closer and closer towards my favourite spot, the needle tip pierces my skin and enters my arm and the cold stainless-steel needle slowly disappears out of sight. I feel a faint sting, a little pin prick but it's slightly delayed, almost like watching a badly copied movie where the audio and video don't match and are not in synch.

I pull back gently on the plunger, and to my delight a dark cherry-red splash of vibrant colour enters the barrel in a swirling motion. I get an instant wave of relief that washes over my entire body and begin to relax now that I'm successfully plugged into my life-giving oxygen network. Tourniquet's released.

There's only one thing left to do.

The slow, steady, push...

.
This refers to drug and needle use:

It starts out like a beautiful love affair/relationship during the first 3-6 month honeymoon period...
"I loved you from the moment we were introduced, where had you been hiding all my life sexy 'needle-rush' I'm never gonna let you go, I wanna spend every second with you all to myself. I love you more than my partner, kids, parents, family, friends, job, and life itself and trust you with my life as I know you would never hurt or harm me. If you don't believe me I will prove it! When we're together it's absolute magic we're so happy it's bliss, everybody else is so envious and jealous of us".

In the middle and rock-bottom stages of addiction it's more like...
"I hate your guts 'needle-rush'! You trick me and play mind games and are ruining my life you don't love or care for me at all. I pay for your company like a prostitute and you use and abuse me 'needle-rush'! Even though I know this now I still love you and can't leave you or walk away from you because I crave you when your not here. I'm yours forever 'needle-rush' and you will come first till the day I die".

A bit dramatic but sums up how it is for me, I hope you can see where I'm coming from?

Any thoughts, comments and feedback would be great thanks...

DFNZ

View attachment 10282You know you're hanging out when your mate txts you on a Sunday to say they can get hold of your most FAVOURITE all-time yummy scrummy and very rarely available prescription opiate in New Zealand if you have cash?

And your drooling at the mere thought of it!
In Homer's voice: "mmm OxyContin 80mg aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhh".

So you rush online to check your bank balance - 'sorry no funds available'; "shit".

You take everything out of your wallet hoping you stashed some notes away when you were wasted for a rainy day like this one; "nope".

You double and triple check through all your jeans, shirts and jacket pockets; "nothin".

Madly rummage through your bedside dresser drawers, find only empty candy-bar wrappers and ciggie packets.

Frantically searching 'like a man possessed' through your car's glove-box and under car mats, devilishly plotting, deviously scheming, fiendishly thinking... I need to borrow some money that's the answer!

"Mum and Dad can I borrow some money for drugs?" - Nah, that won't work.

Maybe I could borrow some cash off my flatmate? - But he's not home.

Maybe I should steal something from him he won't mind? ... bad idea WTF!

All the while, imagining the warm rush pulsing through your veins with a glazed-over look in your eyes and a silly dumb smirk on your face...

Oh damn, no cash I'm broke after the weekend, fuck it!

Looks like I won't be getting blazzed today, anyway Sunday's my sober and clean day lol Doh!

My son knows that I abuse street drugs and prescription drugs by injecting them and wants me to show him how to do it properly and inject him intravenously, just for a oncer to see what it feels like.

He knows I have been shooting up for about a year and always asks to watch me shoot up IV drugs - Bad parent I know, but he watches me preparing my shot and I got sick of shutting the bathroom door and locking him out as he knew what I was doing in there anyway.
He does not live with me but usually visits weekly and stays 1 or 2 days a week.

He is a handsome 27 year old with a pure heart of gold and has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder / Asperger's syndrome / Schizo-affective disorder /Schizophrenia, his diagnosis's changes from Psychiatrist to Psychiatrist and he is a self confessed alcoholic and drug abuser.
He has tried most drugs available in our country from; Crystal Methamphetamine (snorted), Ritalin, most Benzo's, DXM powder, Marijuana, Salvia, Datura, Morning Glory Seeds, HBWR Seeds, Opium Poppy's, Mescaline, Magic Mushrooms etc.

He has never worked and is incapable of doing so, as he was an uncontrollable child probably due to undiagnosed ADHD, and at 10yrs went from boy's homes to foster homes and then institutions with no formal schooling (as he was not made to go to school since the age of 10), mainly in state care or the the Mental Health System.

My son is very intelligent and is studying by correspondence at University and is passing. His intelligence is also commented on by my family, friends and flatmates and no one can beat him at chess. He is an absolute pro on the electric guitar playing all the greats like Hendrix perfectly. He enjoys his recreational drugs. He is also a book-worm and loves reading and learning facts and quoting famous or great people (which drives me crazy). He idolises Aleister Crowley, loves the occult and studying and trying out different religions. His attention span is not very long and he tends to change his mind and lose interest in things very quickly. Even when talking to him you can see him drifting off into his own thoughts and he finds it hard to stay on topic and is very impulsive and has no concept of actions and consequences.

We have a very good honest and open relationship, be it a little bit unhealthy, and always says I'm his best friend. He can discuss anything with me which I really love (including his porn collection lol). He is quite naive and innocent to ways of the world due to being institutionalised so is an easy target to being ripped off by people which happens often. He is socially awkward and tends to say inappropriate comments. I cut him some slack in this regard as I want him to be himself as he is a very special, good natured and unique boy and I didn't have that type of relationship with my Dad. He has no criminal convictions and has never been violent and is a gentle giant at 6ft 5".

He is my favourite child out of four, mainly because I know my other kids will be fine and do not have a hard road ahead of them compared to my only boy.

My question is::
Is that a line I should cross for Harm Reduction and minimization sake, or is it just too taboo?
Advice needed please on my dilemma, what are your thoughts on this differcult situation?

Note: I am very clean and sterile in my IV'ing practices (I do have OCD which helps)
The bottom drawer in my dresser has all my injecting equipment, 200+ syringes, assorted varying gauge luer-lock needles, cotton filters, varying sizes in micron filters, alcohol swabs, sterile water, assorted professional tourniquets, sharps containers (thanks to the needle exchange).

There's only two people I have let hit me up, that's the one that introduced me to the intravenous method of administration of drugs and trainer, and she still has all her veins at 38 years after IV'ing since her teens. And another friend who kindly offered.

In fact she offered to do me lastnite since it's been ages and I kindly accepted. She always blows on the needle point as it's going in to cool and lessen the sting...so thoughtful!

It's so much better being done by someone else and it takes all the stress out of concentrating on angle and registering etc...kind of giving all your trust to one person as they could kill you as mine always jacks back after the main shot to get the dregs.

There is definitely a bond like a twisted doctor and patient thing going on for me... it's like masturbation from someone else, just lay back, relax and enjoy it.

8) So i figure It is time to really clean up my life. I have abandoned a lot of important areas of my life due to drug addiction and habits, that i feel is in due time to change. I want to go to school to get my Bachelors in Psychology. Start transition work to become female, as I am transgender (first appointment on Thursday) so we will see how that goes.

Those are just two very big goals I have in life so far with I am sure many more to come. I have little goals that I will set I am sure but right now its 1. Sobriety 2. Education 3. Occupation in the mean time ( UN-employed right now) 4. Gender transition.

I feel that writing a blog will somehow keep my thoughts in order as I write stuff down here on a semi regular basis, and maybe keep myself in check if i think about slipping. I know relapse is a very probable outcome in this whole matter but id rather just mess up on occasion then it be an everyday thing.

My Drug of choice is Heroin and just about all opiates. I have a big thing for psychedelics but don't have any interest in stopping the use of these as they are great teachers to better understand I feel providing you don't get lost in them.

I choose tomorrow night at 8 pm to be my sober launch date as I am going to have one hell of a last Horahh all day. and then boom cold turkey will I succeed? meh maybe but I am going to at least try my best.

Peace and people

edit

It's day #2, or day 1, dont know for sure, yesterday i was kicked out my current living arrangement's, and been having a hard time coping with that. it was so close to where i work, and had the internet so i could do all my internet needs there.
after the shitstorm happened between my roomate and i things havnt been the same for me. I was able to find a place to stay about 30mins away from where i work, and on a shitty sallery/paycheck i dont know if ill be able to make it because of gas to much longer.
last night i left work at 10:30ish and left to her house, needless to say i got lost trying to take backroads to the freeway, ended up in the hood, some shit from a gangsta rap film. so finally after 15mins later i found the freeway and my dumbass took the long way because i wanted to get there ASAP, so i got to her place around 11:30 and talked to her about shit in general like hows life,hows work going, thanks for letting me crash here. she was totally cool about it, and gave me her spare apartment key. she doesnt have the internet so i find myself doing nothing but tossing and turning on the couch.
fastfoawrd to morning, she had 2 leave to work early, and i slept in till about 10, took her dogs for a walk, or they took me for a walk, came back took a shower, then left to run a few aarons, had 2 hit up wallmart and get a few toiltries and had to get a phonecard for my phone, which ran into trouble with that shit again, i swear Net10 prepaid phones suck, so had 2 call their 1800# from the wallmart phone which took about 30mins, and had to ask the indian chick to repeat everything she was saying about 20times, i told her i have a hearing problem (i dont really have a hearing problem,told her that so i could understand what the fuck she was trying to say). finally the problem was that my phone wasnt activated, so she gave me a new #, and some *# to call, finally after 10mins i gave it a try and it worked! so i have a phone now which is a good thing.
so i haddnt eatn anything for 48hours until a little while ago, because of all the shits thats been going on with me i really had no desire for food, and finally i got hungry and ate some chick-fil-a.
now i'm here in the libary on the internet, updating my blog now, and checking prices for some local haunted house type places. theres 1 that i'd like to go to costs $20 per person. which i dont get again until next friday.. so gotta be very carful on what i spend money on and who and what.well i think all will be well tonight, we shall see where the day leads to, will try to update everyday, but if i cant then ill try when ever i have internet connection, peace out and wish me luck with what ever i may face in the coming days.
ds

pal·imp·sest; [pal-imp-sest]
noun
-------------------------------------------------------------------
a parchment or the like from which writing has been partially or completely erased to make room for another text

Repeating voices before I woke.

I was using bathroom in dream.
A lot of conflict.

3 people. I accidentally killed a friend. First a girl- then she was a boy. Then a girl. Although I knew it was wrong and it was an accident I didn’t feel like I deserved punishment. I didn’t feel much, at all. I think I was doing something like helping them. Trying to put their name tag on them? I accepted their death.

I remember someone carrying their body, wrapped in cloth, to somewhere, to dispose of it. We were in a house/apartment. A man was waiting for her, outside- a guy I recognize as a courier, but he might not have had the same face. He just stood there waiting for her, stubborn. I did get emotional with him. It was screwed up him waiting for her, outside, unmoving, while she had accidentally been killed, inside. What do we tell the guy.

But a friend wanted to cut up their body and feed it to pigs- to dispose of evidence, walking it by the guy. There was a short exposure to police- who the death/disappearance was reported to. They didn’t seem suspecting of us. We all seemed trustworthy.

The friend that wanted to cut her up and did feed her to pigs had ordered chinese. I had been in conflict with someone, perhaps her (and/or him?) but through this situation, that was set aside. We all became kind of close. But there was tension of course.

The body was now not her, but parts of a skinned pig. In the toilet, partially broken down.

I told a girl that was there of an investigation possible. How was it not? In the bathroom I told her. Why would an accidental murder that was reported… why would that person cut her up and feed her to pigs, and why are the pig parts now cut up, in the toilet? How did they miss the toilet?

She held my hand as I sat down to go to the bathroom. And another friend comes in. Jovial attitude for everyone joining in on this.

This is about where the dream ended. “I love Vortex.” “I love Vortex.” … and again, “I love Vortex.”

I remember in parts thinking about calling friend’s mother to give them my condolences. The one murdered seemed in my mind to fluctuate between him, and her. Her was a girl that I thought was Marie- a girl in my old neighborhood- from, we both lived there, and she was my most steady exposure growing up to a girl of near age, I think- being that close. But then I think she was the live one. There’s of course a lot lot lot I don’t remember, and it may not be important. One other that she was- and this was somehow before the others, as I remember such an emotional connection (then again, Marie too), was Donna- a girl, who I (have) kid(ded) myself over a lot. I somehow didn’t feel bad. It was sort of-almost relief that she was dead. It was.

Of course, not ideal, and I don’t wish death on her, consciously- but I imagine a part of me is so small, that it would be relieved… that if she’s not with me, she’s not alive. Of course, I’d disagree, but I admit I’m pretty small, in ways.

The way they (or just she was) were killed- I think it was by decapitation. There was a definite feeling of that/being cut at the neck. Her facebook picture, as recent as the past 8 hours, as of writing, is a picture of her head- only, cut off at the neck.

You could say I am obsessive. Wouldn’t you be? She’s like… perfect.

I always have a hard time coming up with titles of my blog, but heres whats really going on with me atm.

got kicked out of the place that i was currently staying at due to my drinking and blackingout without knowing what i did the other night. the last straw was a few nights ago, i drank 11? steel reserve tallboys, and dropped some 2ci. needless to say i couldnt handle it. trippd my shit, and woke up the next morning with my roomate beating on my door telling me 'what do you think this is?my house isnt some fucking trap house, so pack your shit and get the fuck out', here i was still tripping pretty hard, and the look in his eyes were serious, i really couldn't make out any words besides 'are you serious?', then i started to clean up my mess, and he left. came back shortly later, then his girlfriend came over later. i still have no clue what i did that night.
few days go by with us hardly saying a word to each other, one night 2 nights ago, he knockd on my door while i was 'fake asleep', and told me that we have to talk. i'm like sure man whats up, so we go outside and he tells me that things arn't working out, and he wants me gone. getting fucked up the other night was the topping on the cake.
Imideatly my brain starts rushing in 'oh shit im going to be sleeping in my car again, brought back all those painful memories of shooting H nodding out n my car trying 2 sleep at a mc donalds parking lot, or where ever i found a quiet parking spot (hopefly had wifi). so i start thinking of oh shit what do i do? needless to say i couldnt sleep that night and had 2 be at work at 7am the next morning, work sucked that day, i couldnt stop thinking about what i was going to do and where i was going to lay my head that night. work dragd by slow as fuck, when i was off i went back 'here' and asked my roomate if i could stay for tonight and ill have my shit packed and ready to leave tommmrow. guess he said okay because we didnt talk to much after that.
so i went to my room started to pack all my cloths in black garbage bags, cleaned my room, and now thats all left is take the sheets off my bed and load my car up.
here it is the next day around 12pm, and i have work in 3 hours, no mins on my phone so i cant call anyone, was able to talk with a friend of mine and she said i could crash on her couch. which has saved me alot of racing thoughts and anxiety about where i will sleep, only downturn is she lives about 30ish mins away from work, and i also am wannted because of a failure to appear. so knock on wood nothing happens to me within my trips to her place and work eachday.
still feeling rough about all of this, feel like a fucking hopless pos that cant seem to get his shit togetehr. luckly i had a few friends that talked with me to keep me from doing the inevitable.
i dont know if she has internet, or what.. so this might be the last of me until something else happens.
well wish me luck with what i'll be doing and etc, and i'll talk to you all later,
ds

What is this...day 5 in a row of me doing dope all day? I still have plenty of dope left. How much longer can this continue?

I'm in for some tough withdrawals but I can give a fuck less right now. Life hasn't been treating me well lately and i'm not going to sit here sober and depressed. Give me dope for some short-lived hope. I know there's no "hope" in dope but their sure as hell is relief from life. On the brightside, I haven't taken any MXE during this binge so at least that addiction has been temporarily broken.

Whoever said don't deal with life's bullshit with drugs must've been on drugs lol. It's only way I can stay sane while dealing with sooo much tough shit at the moment.

So im having a really bad day. I had two beers which threw me over the edge. I don't know what to do as I'm paranoid/manic and depressed. Arrgg

So i've gotten into a fuck buddy type of deal with this chick that I met. She's a serious IV drug addict. I like the girl but she's just bringing me down at this point. I though have a fuck buddy/drug buddy would be a whole thing but whole thing just feels shallow. She obviously just wants to get blasted and have sex. Afterwards it's like we never met. Just such and empty affair. I though I would love it but honestly i'm not this shallow of a person. I need to be at liked/loved by a girl to be with her. We need to at least be friends otherwise the sex feels completely empty.

Also, her drug addiction is really severe and I can't do anything to help her. All she cares about is her next high and sometimes we even cop together. This is all leading me to do more and more opiates/benzos. Not a good situation at all and I really need to find a way to end this thing (whatever it is). I mean i'm a guy and I still want to have sex with her but I also need to break off all contact with her if i'm going to get my addictions under control. Oh and did I mention that we work together?

Blah, just my luck, single for over a year and when I finally find someone it's a fucking disaster. I guess this whole situation just proved that I need something more then a fuck buddy situation but i'm still not completely over being dumped by the only girl i've ever loved two years.

Also, in the past week I got into a fender bender AND a speeding ticket. How much worse can my luck get seriously? All this bullshit is just making me want to numb my self out with heroin and klonopin which is what I plan to do all week . Life's a bitch ain't it?

Or always have I been? Fuck, I keep getting panic attacks, intense moodswings. My sleep patwtern has never been good, but Slept for 4 hours since Friday or Saturday.. I don't know.

I saw shadow people for the first time last night, riding back to my house. fucking weird. Paranoia keeps embarrassing me, I keep pranging out my friends/housemates are talking the piss out of me and are against me. I am either hearing the truth, Last night was bad.. It takes so much energy to move, so hard to type I've got double vision trying to type this.

Uhmy vision keeps going black too. I haven't had anything to my recollection food wise since Friday. I have no money till Friday, just a fuck load of drugs. Binging constantly. Staying up for days. What the fuck.

What the fuck, literally the whole day I felt great and now the dooming sail of shit has arrived. How do you get rid of this physical constant feeling of doom?

Wow I am pathetic. I keep taking huge overdoses, I just figure fuck it, I can't go on like this.

When did I become this? Is it obvious I have a problem?
Argh I'm just going to get so fucked I can sleep.

Also, my speech is getting terrible. I just can't communicate.

Fuck this, this is why I love drugs. They relieve that horrible guilty feeling. I

I guess klonpin and atarax make you type dumb threads on bluelight

Me and my girlfriend have been together going on 6 years this coming January. I don't know if we're going to make it but I pray that we do make it to our 6th anniversary and beyond. I just feel like she's getting really tired of my shit. Which I can't blame her. She started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist last month. I'm happy for her, I want her to get better. She deserves someone better than me, I always tell her. But I am selfish and want to keep her for me.

So what the fuck do I do, man, what do I do.

I feel like she can be this soaring eagle and I'm just a huge weight tied to her ankle so she can't even spread her wings and fly. God, that was so cheesy.

I've been doing heroin since last night at around 8pm. I'm gonna be fucked soon. Another fucking kick for me. Then I get my oxycodone script. Then I fuck with those for a week maybe and another kick. The opiate roller coaster, man...

I am so mentally tired it's not even funny... But I don't even give a shit. As long as I have dope I'm a happy camper. Sick, ain't it? Fucking hell.

Well... at least I can go to bed early tonight... sleep till my therapy appointment, heh.

Or sleep forever...

I screwed up. I have no money, I fucked up my job and my education. My university has currently withdrawn me, although I'm appealing. I've waited since the 14th of September to hear the outcome, have submitted further evidence but am still waiting. During this time I also managed to screw up my job, by missing 2 shifts due to feeling like utter shit and not being able to get out of bed.I've been a pathetic mess, avoiding human contact and spending a solid week in my room, just laying there, feeling like shit.

I felt slightly better a couple days ago, got out of the house and got on with applying for new jobs, meeting up with friends and contacting my uni's registry. But still, nothing. If they chuck me out, I won't get a student loan which will been I'm double fucked. My last pay check has gone, and my phone is broken so I can't hear if any of my applications have been successful.

What do I do? I'm back to hiding in my room, hungry, broke and pathetic, checking my email and hoping someone will get back to me.

Ah my first blog entry! well what fun

Science was always one of my favorite subjects in high school especially chemistry. Once I had got into college a few years back I had lost all interest in everything and became very lazy and anxious with people. I left college and left home resulting in a downwards spiral. I had only tried a few things such as cocaine and weed once by this point.

A few years ago I decided to try MDMA. I hate to seem like one of those cheesy advocates but MDMA changed everything for me!

Since then I have always wanted to know how it works and had also started to experiment with other substances. Since I have had an internet connection and got myself out of a spiral of silliness I am on the rite track to knowledge

It was a slow start at first and I thought I would never anywhere close. I am still only a beginning to understand. I'm having so much fun learning new things all the time and once I got the ball rolling things are easier to pick up. I start studying again soon and I can't wait!

I don't know what else to say. I have never had a blog before so to be honest I feel a little silly writing all this rubbish haha!

Much love

Over time after not speaking or expressing very much in general, the mind begins to collect its own thoughts and direction, eventually the body begins to calm and organize and so does the mind, listening to what the body needs more clearly and instinctively, on a cellular level this will reciprocate.

Nothing can divert me from this process and it has started, this is a calling and what I feel there is to be expected is to make a further connection with the spirit my thoughts and self, all of my surroundings, to better appreciate the harmony of the environment, and how every thought, feeling and action made, word spoken effects everything else.

The energy put into speaking and sex is the most draining, and as far as my health or anyones with the right effort mauna could be of great benefit. No I'm not insinuating celibacy, but it might be difficult...
;-p

This is not superstition...if I say something accidently, there is no starting over or punishment.