some days i think about her more than others. today was one of those days where she was in the forefront of my mind for the majority of the day.
this morning i woke up thinking about her. i was flat, unmotivated and just sad.
thought about you the whole way to work. i often think about you most when i'm driving. i always chuck a good cd on and crank it loud to try and sidetrack my mind.
tonight after dinner this stupid show was on in the back ground. Farmer wants a wife. one of those "reality" tv shows where two people are looking for love, etc etc. this particular episode was the final of the series where the farmer had to pick his girl with the plan to be together and "live happily ever after".
i found myself sitting there watching, saying how bullshit it is that these two people supposedly love each other and are going to live happily ever after. it just doesn't happen... that's what i tell myself anyway.
but when i stop to take a step back, i realise that's just me thinking like that intentionally because it's easier to sit there and watch these two people that may well be the love of there lives and say it's bullshit, than it is to sit there and think about the opportunity i destroyed with someone i loved so much, but never had the courage to truly open up and let them in.
according to me, true love doesn't exist -- when really, yes it does, i just choose not to believe it because it's easier.
i would do anything to go back into time and fix my mistakes. i am so stuck with what i did. i can't let go, i cannot forgive myself.
something once so good destroyed by something so naive, heartless and stupid that was me.
i'm my own biggest disappointment in this world. somehow i'm meant to let go of what i did and move on. but to say i have faith and i'm motivated is just a front. pretending is exhausting. deep down it feels so pointless.
all i want to do is disappear without anyone ever knowing. without anyone ever making a fuss. just vanish as if i never existed. but no matter how much of a disappointment i am to myself, i would never do that to my family who i am so fortunate to have. their love and what they've done for me since the day i was born is the only thing that keeps me going. if i was to just disappear, it would be such a waste and pointless of everything they've done for me. they don't deserve that. neither does she, the person i hurt so much and inevitably destroyed the best thing i ever had going in this life.
this morning i woke up thinking about her. i was flat, unmotivated and just sad.
thought about you the whole way to work. i often think about you most when i'm driving. i always chuck a good cd on and crank it loud to try and sidetrack my mind.
tonight after dinner this stupid show was on in the back ground. Farmer wants a wife. one of those "reality" tv shows where two people are looking for love, etc etc. this particular episode was the final of the series where the farmer had to pick his girl with the plan to be together and "live happily ever after".
i found myself sitting there watching, saying how bullshit it is that these two people supposedly love each other and are going to live happily ever after. it just doesn't happen... that's what i tell myself anyway.
but when i stop to take a step back, i realise that's just me thinking like that intentionally because it's easier to sit there and watch these two people that may well be the love of there lives and say it's bullshit, than it is to sit there and think about the opportunity i destroyed with someone i loved so much, but never had the courage to truly open up and let them in.
according to me, true love doesn't exist -- when really, yes it does, i just choose not to believe it because it's easier.
i would do anything to go back into time and fix my mistakes. i am so stuck with what i did. i can't let go, i cannot forgive myself.
something once so good destroyed by something so naive, heartless and stupid that was me.
i'm my own biggest disappointment in this world. somehow i'm meant to let go of what i did and move on. but to say i have faith and i'm motivated is just a front. pretending is exhausting. deep down it feels so pointless.
all i want to do is disappear without anyone ever knowing. without anyone ever making a fuss. just vanish as if i never existed. but no matter how much of a disappointment i am to myself, i would never do that to my family who i am so fortunate to have. their love and what they've done for me since the day i was born is the only thing that keeps me going. if i was to just disappear, it would be such a waste and pointless of everything they've done for me. they don't deserve that. neither does she, the person i hurt so much and inevitably destroyed the best thing i ever had going in this life.
