Blogs

I had a dream. I mainly remember having a cup of coffee poured, or pouring one. I haven't drank coffee since I became sick about 4 years ago.

Today I was swiping on OkCupid. Swiping is where you like someone or pass on them by swiping them right for like and left for pass. The people you like only know you like them if they like you too. It's only based on images. You don't visit their profile.

One girl liked me today, too. She works as sort of a barista in one of her jobs, making coffee, lattes, and cappuccinos (with/serving other things, too, like food/pastries).

She's 11 years younger than me, which is quite a bit. She's 20- almost 21. I'm 31, almost 32. I don't really see it going anywhere. I kind of just want to fuck around/enjoy myself a little.

We owe you nothing.

Stop hell.

Snow. God please, I'm tired of it.

Really random, but I did!!!! I sleep with ear plugs in every night, out of habit. J used to snore and I am a super light sleeper, so I have gotten accustomed to sleeping with them, even now that I sleep alone. Anyway, they are not the foam kind, they are the white ones that can best be described as "tacky." They really work! They kind of stick to your ear and seal it off so that you hear NOTHING. Well, early this morning I was half asleep, and for some reason I had one in my left ear, and the other one was in my hand. I have no idea if I was dreaming or not, but I remember putting the ear plug in my mouth and CHEWING on it. I guess I thought that it was like a gummy candy (because of the texture) and when I was chewing on it, I took it out to look at it because I noticed there was no taste. I opened my eyes, removed it from my mouth and immediately became fully awake and was like WTF? I actually started laughing to myself and went back to sleep.

That I had been using heroin 2 years of a 4 year buprenorphine maintainence. She is still mad that she supported me so much while I was too doped to bother looking for jobs, other reasons- besides owing for normal things (mid class) I'd always been able to support my addiction. That was the main thing I had to be happy about- but it doesn't eclipse the pain of experiences missed, oxygen shorted, love marriage, a career!

Anyone feel free to share a related story or if you've gotten off bupe' after long term5+ years; I'll read however much you wanna share.

But time to have a blog, I stopped using FB fast: I suspect this is gonna be mix of a dream journal, a comedy short story, or elegant chinese characters...I'll inlist my BFF Multiple language fluent languages, hopefully bust out some Mandarin!

Any bi tri quad language speakers? what's your native?

Donna

separate

Then I go through a period of intense realization, on levels.

(Then) turn down the crazy brain
get job
got job

Donna is the first female I met at the new job. The same name as the girl who never seemed off of my mind. She's the only other female driver at the time of my entry. She is Black. I find out her middle name is the same as my mom's- Faye, and that she has my sister's birthday.

The first Donna- I found correlation with my mom, in some ways, such as the number value of her name- a possible one anyways. Both her and my mom have first and middle names that each come out to 108.

The distance between the earth and sun = 108 times the diameter of the sun.

Distance between the earth and the moon = 108 times the moon's diameter

The diameter of the sun = 108 times the diameter of the earth.

Click to expand...

The numbers are not exactly 108, but they are very close to 108.

At the new job, there was one other girl that worked there, named Raven. She was also Black.

They, Raven and Donna, both had facial hair. One had a last name Manning, and the other Harrell, which reminded me of her hair on her face, sometimes.

I was given a lock-box, and I first used a girl's box who was away at school. Xixi, pronounced Kiki.

Then I chose the very center box, and Dustin, last name Dye- the manager who hired me, put the number 23 on it after I told him about how many things seem to connect through it, in my life, including but not limited to Donna, my mother, my exes, my friends having things occur around it... life itself.

Mike Harding was the general manager of where I hired on, directly after the one who often prayed to him, or for him (well, The Archangel)- The first Donna.

Donna's (work) lock box was directly above mine, and her lock was so big that it would stop my locker from closing, after I opened it. I'd have to move her lock as I did. I found it symbolic... Of something, but I couldn't quite nail it down. Everything reminded me of her. Locked.

I can't really begin to explain it all.

I calculated our names, together, if she was as the voice said, my wife, and found a number 413.
Where I went to work directly after her, there was only one store in the strip mall with numbers, and they were 413.

The night I met her was the 23rd day of 2009. On the 22nd, she had moved into the apartment we spent time in, and she ordered food from the place I went to get a job- Dominos. The 22nd is Raven's birthday. Raven shares one full-name sum with Donna (96).

Massive withdrawls atm, 4 days no alcohol, 3 days no xanax. Work has been a bitch and so have I. Really need to rein in my attitude towards A, he doesn't deserve to deal with my shit.

Got to stop drinking. Seriously. Its at a point where I think I need help.

Hiya ,

I have registered for race4life again which is 5k to help cancer research UK. I don't know if I'm allowed to put my justgiving page here so if anyone would like to sponsor me pm me n I'll give you the link.
It will be on 8th June so I'd like to raise lots of money for it n help cancer research UK

Take care everyone,
Evey xxxx

Very little to report. Simply here to keep the habit up. Just heading from school to home and chilling.

Soooo... I need to vent lol.

I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't sure I actually knew how to feel anything anymore. I relapsed recently, and I've been struggling to get clean again since then... I thought the opiates were numbing my feelings. Yeah well last night was a huuuge fucking wakeup call. As it turns out, I can still feel... quite a bit... got my heart broken like hardcore for the first time in I don't even know how long. Saw one of my so-called "best friends" making out with the guy I like that I had been hanging out/hooking up with a lot recently. Yes, she knew I liked him. To make it even worse, this guy is someone who's going to be in my life - at least peripherally - whether I like it or not... he works closely with my brother, who I'm close with, and his sister is also one of my best friends. LOL. That might be a problem now... although I really wish it wasn't :/

So basically we were all at a club, my brother and the guy and our other two friends were DJing (this is my sober group of friends by the way), and I stood there and watched as he (we'll call him K) and my "best friend" (we'll call her M), got closer and closer to making out until I finally watched it happen... at which point I stormed out. A couple of my friends followed me and tried to make me feel better, but I was already bawling by that point. FUCKKK it hurt so bad I can't even. They succeeded after a while (I love them) and I went back inside to try and salvage my night. It was hard to pretend I hadn't seen what I just had though, and I ended up confronting her... it almost turned into a fist fight but I walked away literally right as it was coming to that... we were already shoving each other and shit... but I didn't want to disrespect the venue my brother was playing at and make him look bad, so I just walked away. When I ran into M after that and he tried talking to me, I told him to leave me alone and to fuck off... he then took it to a whole new level and proceeded to tell me fucked up shit like, "Why don't you go do more drugs, junkie?" (I wanna know how the fuck he found that out by the way... not too hard to guess I suppose), and "You're a fucking slut" and that I'm a "bitch" and blah fucking blah. At that point, I got more upset about the way he was treating me than what I'd just seen, and my upsetness escalated to a whole new level... and I compensated by making out with some random. Nice. How classy.

But not really.

Anyway... sooo back on the party bus home, I was hella upset and crying and shit curled up on a window seat, trying not to talk to or look at anyone. At some point he came and sat down next to me and asked, "Dude... are you seriously mad at me?"

Um... is that a real question? Excuse me? What the fuck. OF COURSE I'M FUCKING MAD AT YOU, YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE DOUCHE. Omg. I pretty much just turned and gave him a look like he was out of his mind and said, "Are you serious?" and laughed and turned away.

So then a whole new round of disrespectful, hurtful comments ensued. It was so bad that people had to tell him to shut up and have some respect, and people were even bugging him to come talk to me. He was making himself look like a total fucking asshole, and you know what he still had the audacity to do?! He had the audacity to blow up my phone after I got home, bitching about how I need to get a life because I'm starting shit with him and my brother and it's unnecessary and whatever else he said. Which is bullshit because I never said a word to my brother about what was going on. How about the fact that you were calling his SISTER a bitch/slut/junkie/drug addict/etc. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM?! Because yeah. I'm PRETTY FUCKING SURE that's why he's mad at you. That's your own damn fault, not mine kthnx.

Sooo yeah. I've been pretty much crying on and off non-stop since I got home last night up until now, about 12 hours later. The first few hours after I got home were BAD, I didn't even sleep, I was crying soo hard and soo constantly - it literally was not stopping for anything lol I tried so many things to make myself feel better - that I actually went and crawled into my mom's bed to cuddle with her and cry. I NEEDED MY MOM TO COMFORT ME.

Fucking wow.

WOW.

Just wow.

I can't believe I'm wasting all this pain and suffering and bullshit and tears and anxiety and horrible feelings on someone so low. I'm done here I just needed to vent.

There is this forum I just joined, called Synchromysticismforum.com. It pertains to synchronicity. It seemed rather active, so I was excited to join and start sharing.

Then it crashed, and its been crashed since this morning.

Had a very good weekend. Went camping which I was a bit sceptical about:

Me Josh Danny Kai and Kyle were all going with 2 crates of beer, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of cactus jacks and a bottle of Morgans spice. Got dropped off at the end of Josh's drive and him and kyle were already waiting there luckily. I had thoughts of going head first into a big freezing tent and a slightly awkward yet civilised night with smoke and drink. God was I wrong. Josh's Dad's car came just as my mother left, we headed in. Got to his house instead of the tent which was nice and sat in his room while we sorted everything out. I was making half decent conversation with everyone but I couldn't quite commit to it, I thought the whole night would be this some what enjoyable chatter. We rolled a decent joint with some of the 2g I had bought and sat in his conservatory munching that and smoking. By this point conversation flowed a little better and I was enjoying myself. I was quite fried by the end of it but still completely normal to everyone else. We messed about a bit and then finally got driven down to the tent. It was pretty small for an 8 man tent but it looked nice. Josh's Dad left us with the very important message

"Drink. Slow"

which put me into a cautious and very beneficial headspace for the entire ordeal.

We start drinking the cactus jacks and the vodka, listening to my speaker, we all rave for about 20 mins, mainly to this one song I found which is by far the most enjoyed song by everyone who ever hears it I have ever heard. I felt empowered to be the only person who knew the name of this song considering how much every body loves it. Seeing peoples face's change to the song is insane.

Now Daniel is drunk. After finishing a bottle of vodka straight, most of it to him he has changed from his usual quiet self to this kid who wont shut up. Instead of constantly referring to how much he didn't shut the fuck up Ill just get it over with now. His favourite phrase was '24/7' he used it on hundreds of sentences through out the night in a series of idiotic phrases: 'Imma fuck yer mums clitoris 24/7' Or 'Imma open this beer 24/7' which I found really funny but no-one else picked up on. He constantly wanted hugs and handshakes and was on the verge of crying a lot.

So we are all drunk, I think this is when we rolled a joint but I dont even know if we did everything got lost in about 30 mins and it was really messy.The whole night is a blur from here on but I remember the following things:

Sitting in a single part of the tent with Josh, secretly smoking a joint without anyone knowing. They were all too damn drunk.

Being extremely hot and constantly out of breath and having to go outside the tent to cool down.

Having a very very long competitive/play fight, mainly with Kai, lasted at least 30 minutes, was brilliant.

Hallucinating after taking hits from a vaporiser for the first time, Being outside, watching everyone run around screaming, blazing drunk, cans bottles and random shit lying all over the place. The scene was pure beautiful chaos. Then Danny started going weird. His face became a bright white mask that smiled as he danced that flashed and moved away and towards his face slowly. Weird yet very fun, was not scary at all.

There was a hunt for items. Any material object was a prize and of use. Batteries for the torch, skins lighters phone etc. It was like a mystery game where items are used to solve a puzzle I was playing with myself. I remember having 2 batteries and skins in the prime of the game.

Somewhere between all this happening everyone went to bed, meaning to sleep then 20 seconds later someone screams and everyone gets all hyped up again.

After getting some sleep, we all wake up in the freezing cold, around 4 in the morning and very grumpy. We sorted some shit out, found some shoes for a few mins then lost them again, and deciding we needed a plan. One half of the tent was fucked, collapsed full of water and wet covers covered in drink but the other half was fine. We co-operated, and everyone managed to get some covers and some room, ever if it was a little squished and we got some surprisingly good quality sleep.

Woke up, had some morgans then Josh's dad came at the perfect time. Everyone seemed pretty eager to tell him about the night and we went back to his and got a big breakfast made. We smoked a joint with what was left of my 2g and after a while Daniel Josh and Kyle all went home. I was meant to go home to meet people but didn't in the end and stayed the night at Josh's.

His house is very functional for any home, everything was new stylish and clean, the place was organised and the cleanliness was maintained. Not really sure what we did all day but later at night his dad walked in and passed us around 0.7, maybe more. We rolled it into a 5 skinner and played some xbox, we would light it later. Had a good speak with his parents about a range of things, they like me and Its good to talk to them. After smoking that much I was immobilised. I was also twitching pretty violently which wasn't that great. I was honestly higher than I wanted to be, have to remember that in the future. Slept well and smoked nothing the next day, went home, chilled and wrote this.

I am glad I did this, was very different from smoking weed in shitty flats in Hilton.

April Love.

She started to work at the natural foods store I worked at a couple of years ago, on or right around Valentines Day. I guess it was more like 2010, so it was about four years ago, and Valentines Day was the first day I worked with her. Something like that. I remember connecting the dots like that.

She was wearing gold angel wing (or thunderbird) earrings when I first saw her. Hair was dyed blond.

I was still in love with Donna (not that I am ever not in love with Donna, for what I can be)- who I met a year before. I know V-Day and pressure helped us to fall apart as happened. Or it was prominent. And on my mind. Meeting someone you like around such a Holiday puts unnatural and unneeded pressure.

I thought it kind of suspicious, meeting and working with "Love" on Valentines Day, one year after I fell in love.

My ex, before I met Donna, Marilyn, was hospitalized for the one Valentine's Day we would be together, with a lung collapse.

My ex before her, Alisha, was the only person I've ever proposed marriage to. Her response was positive, but this story is much more complicated, and to basically save myself from failing, I changed my mind. I let her go.

Alisha was born on February 14th- Valentines Day.

Both Marilyn and Donna have red hair.

I gave Marilyn a black pearl for that V-Day.
Donna gave me a gemstone, called Jet, that was black, when I met her, which was around the same time 3 years later. Though, what I received I picked, as Donna told me to pick one of her stones. Not accepting gifts so easily, I felt a little uncomfortable. So I chose the dark one... The non pretty one.

April Love, I still see. She still works there, and its nice to socialize with her. She's probably my closest girl-friend. Not that we hang out. I haven't asked. I've thought about it but I don't want to ruin our casual friendship with trying to smother her in semen.

Out of billions of possible combinations (to pull a number up), the Indy 500 race I went to most recently, I sat directly in back of her. It had been many years since I went, though as a child my dad frequently got free/cheap tickets from work. April rarely went, and was there with her friend, her friends dad, and a guy who I think was brother to her friend/son to father. They owned/operated a donut shop.

That was right after Donna moved away.

April's sisters name is Dana. I had a crush on her before I met April. She's partially what motivated me to get the job there, but I found out she was dating the bosses son, Chris. The boss has my name. Jeff.

I sometimes want to be closer to April.

Sometimes I think I'm supposed to "O'Neil".

I'm writing this while waiting for a pharmacy to finish one of the orders I am to take. I picked up one earlier, but was called back to pick up another to go the same direction. I noticed Don O'Neil- another driver with the company I work with, picked up the last order, before I got there. Just prior I had just been talking to April. Her boyfriend broke up with her, and she was a little down. I told her not to be down, because she is very desirable.

We are both moving into new places. Mine comes in about 10 days. Hers is tomorrow.

Yea, possibilities. Realities..

I got back to the pharmacy to pick up my second order, that I had been waiting on. Another driver was there. I hadn't ever met him yet, so I asked him his name. I thought he said Kim, as we shook hands, but he corrected me. Tim. His last name as I see where he signed for his order, under me, is Christie. He is taking an order to a name that I had just avoided writing in reference to, along with my mentioning of the ones with red hair, above- Marilyn and Donna. This was Gray (But Grey), as Zena. I had a crush on her, but consider it unrealistic to invest, and wrong to write as if I have some connection to her, even though she fits in this picture too, and actually came to my attention before, and while I was with Alisha. Then I forgot about her and really only remembered her, in an exotic mental state, after ending with Marilyn.

I'm taking medicine to a Foust, and a Cochran. I didn't catch who Tim Christi is taking them to. I may call dispatch and be weird and ask.

My first close relationship with a red-haired person, was with a room-mate, when I went away to school for the second time. We were friends before, and had planned to live together. But living together took us through some hurdles.

I eventually dropped out of school, left, and got a job, coming back to visit friends on my days off, and blow off steam.

But it was a rather involved time. It was my first falling out with a friend, like that. It might not have happened had I been in better health than I was, but I was struggling with an unknown causer of illness, and the illnesses. But I know it had to happen.

We reconciled some time later.

Soon I would be dating a girl, who had the same color of red hair. The copper-orange color of red, and blue eyes type. Light skin.

That relationship was also messed up, but I think we could have been friends easier, had I been in better health. Had I been in better health, I'm not sure I would have succumbed to a romantic pursuit of her. And that unhealth also set it up for failure.

She was the only girl I had a falling out with, to that degree. Every other one I have since seen, and/or talked to, and things were fine.

I took her to two of my friends' wedding, very early in our relationship. Her and the guy with red hair ended up walking in front of me down the aisle of the church, as he was ushering, and was in perfect placement in the rotation to come back around and take her arm. I found it interesting. They were the same height. Same color.

I found out much later that both of their full names can have calculable sums of 94 and 220- in the methods that I use (common ones used, but perhaps slightly different).

Mine also has one of 94 (other of 229).

Pluto lost it's status as a planet when her and I broke up, within a couple of days before or after. 94th element in periodic table is Plutonium. Fizzle.

The wedding I took her too was Nathan Holmes, and Christi Starr (Holmes's) Wedding.
Holmes seems to have something to do with living near a holly tree, or holly. Nathan means "He will give, or God has Given".

My room-mate was Charles
My girlfriend was Marilyn.

I had sex with her for the first time later that night.

Except we aren't friends anymore. Not because she's in jail. Because I stopped using, so I stopped having contact with the people I was using with.

But I learned today that she has been in jail for two months already. She's there for another month according to the DA.

I do not know how she got in jail but I know I'm glad I was no where around when it happened.

I'm thinking about her tonight wondering what that withdrawal was like.

Mine are always hard. But at least I've been free to decide to use what I wanted and stop when I needed to. I don't necessarily regret it.

I don't.

The things I learned out there help me better protect my grandkids. I needed to know what I know. It's fucked up, but it serves me well.
Every goddamn day.

She went from doing her thing, which was often drugs and drug related activities, to sitting in a jail.

I don't know what happens if a person has, say, crystal meth or something, and the authorities find a person in possession.
I do not want to know, and I'm not going to look it up.

I am wondering if she will go from jail to prison. I'm wondering how she screwed up enough to get caught. Dumb question. But no.

Still. Does it seem normal that a woman in her late forties is arrested for the first time?
Wait. How old was Philip Seymour Hoffman?
(I would rather he were in jail on drug charges than dead from drugs.)

How old am I? Seriously, it takes some of us for fucking EVER to grow up.

I had to grow up again...... and again.... 8)

My friend might decide to settle down finally after this, I guess. I don't know. Is jail good? Does it work?

I'm going to utfs. There must be a thread about it.

Before I do, thank you, Bluelight. Part of the reason I'm not in jail is because of what I have learned here.

Sunday, February 9th, 2014
React Presents...

SMOG CITY TOUR 2014

:: 12TH PLANET::
[ www.12thplanetofficial.com ]

with support from...

:: PROTOHYPE::
[ soundcloud.com/protohype ]

:: HEROBUST::
[ herobust.com ]

:: STEADY::

:: STRATUS::
[ swww.stratusbass.com ]

:: LOBOUNCE::
[ lobounce.com ]

:: PORN N CHICKEN::
[ www.facebook.com/PnCDjs ]


Concord Music Hall
2047 N Milwaukee Ave
Chicago, IL 60647
Doors: 8:00pm
Ages: 18+ w/ govt issued ID

$5 for 18+ *|| Free for 21+ before 10:00PM w/ RSVP*
*Tickets and entry for this event are based on capacity

www.reactpresents.com
www.facebook.com/reactpresents
www.twitter.com/reactpresents
www.instagram.com/reactpresents
www.youtube.com/reactpresents

Want to grab tickets for an upcoming show in person? Our box office is here for ya!

BOX OFFICE HOURS
Tue-Fri: 1pm-7pm (if there's a show, closed hour before)
Saturday: 12pm-8pm (end time depends on show hours)

PARKING INFO
To purchase parking you MUST select the "PRINT AT HOME" ticket option.
If you are purchasing more than one ticket item (GA ticket + Parking) you
must add each item to your purchase basket individually.
Parking lot is in CVS just North of Concord Music Hall. Please hand your
printout parking ticket to the parking attendant. If you do not have a printer
you can show your parking ticket barcode to the parking attendant on your smartphone screen. Have a great night.

He comes home in 7 days.

After trying unsuccessfully to detox a handful of times recently, I finally made it long enough dope sick in order to take subs and have them work. My last shot of heroin was Monday morning at 6am. I went to work that day and made it through the night. I woke up for work the next day at 6 am and I felt like shit, but I was scared I was not sick enough to dose a sub. I had just recently sent myself into precipitated withdrawals twice and was not about to deal with that again, especially since my dude is super hard to wake at that time in the morning in the event that I needed to get some rescue dope. I called into work that day and dosed myself with ZzzQuil and muscle relaxers and had intermittent sleep until about 6 pm. I was feeling like death warmed over, so I said fuck it, I am going to take a little piece of a sub film. 45 mins later, no precipitated withdrawals, and felt maybe 10 % better. I tossed and turned in bed all night. I decided to go to a local urgent care where I asked for a Toradol injection in my hip for the aches and pains and was lucky enough to score some K-pins. Immediately I took a few kpins and that night was able to get to sleep. At the end of that day I had dosed myself every few hours with a tiny amount of sub, equaling out in total to about 6mg, IF that. As I lay in bed that night, I began to feel a calm wash over me. A feeling I had not felt in a very long time. Finally my muscles began to relax and I drifted off into sleep. I awoke every 2 hours or so, which is pretty decent for detox. I woke up the next day, which was this morning and took about .5mg of sub on my way to work. How I managed to muster the energy to dress myself and do my hair and make up is beyond me, but I did it. I ate a few k-pins at work to take the edge off, because when I first got there I felt so raw. People even looking in my direction caused me physical pain, if that makes any sense at all. To have to speak to another human being seemed like such a chore. That poses a big problem. I work in medicine and I am constantly having to take care of people. This includes talking to them unfortunately. Feeling so helpless, like taking care of everyone else when all I want is someone to take care of me. Ironic is the situation at hand. I made through it. I am astounded at what a big feat that was for me. I know now that I am much stronger than I think I am.

May lead us to question it.

Sun and Stars, and other planets.

What is man-made is made by them.

And their cycles, and our computers...

I moved to my apartment, alone, in a new city. I didn't meet the first people below me enough to make much acquaintance. But I met Book- a guy I bought weed off of, who lived next to the apartment below mine.

Then some time later a guy and a girl moved in below, and I eventually met the guy. Clayton. We become acquainted and hung out occasionally. His full name was Michael Clayton Mitchell. Mitchell is a form of Michael.

Had a dog named Apollo.

He had a son while they lived under me... Payton. I think. Perhaps Michael Payton.

I forget his wife's name... Or girlfriend's. I rarely met her. Maybe Ruthie.

I recall hearing Apollo barking and his name being yelled by Clayton, perhaps before we met. Clayton is a musician, and manages a music store.

In my next apartment, I lived above a guy who played in a band called The Michaels, but I can't seem to remember his name.

Next, a Hispanic fellow moved in and played music loudly at all hours, having parties late, pissing me off... But once while tripping, and having somewhat of an adverse reaction to some 25D-NBOMe that I dosed recklessly, I feel the music may have saved my life, as I laid naked on my floor, sweating, heart feeling like it was off the handle, I was desperate for something to hold onto that was good and vibrant and alive, and still going. Still going. Something. So this changed my view.

Next, a guy named Tom moved in below. He works at an air conditioning company. Mobile serviceman/mechanic for the one with the catchy tune- "Always on time...".

Growing up, my sister's closest friend in physical distance was Michelle. Mine was Michael. My brother didn't really have close friends. He was a big kid and I think he was distanced. He had friends who lived near, but none were real close friends. When I think of my brother and his friends, though, I usually think of them camping in the field where Mikes house was later built.

This Mike's house was where we built a bonfire that went up about 30-40 feet into the air. His house I also did an experiment with him where he looked through the Bible and pointed to a verse, and I closed my eyes and saw it. This only worked the once I remember trying it, and I chalk it up to us being obsessed with Revelation (not that I have ever read it in detail, much of any of the Bible, or any book)... But it was 9:17. Revelations. I guess it did begin with "The riders in my vision" and I had "Had a vision" of soldiers, the tops of them, with armor, red. the sky was on fire, yellow on horizon, to red to black. I guess they could have been riding what else was referred to in the vision in the passage... But I didn't connect anything. Perhaps I didn't stay in long enough. I was just playing along, in ways... But now again, I wonder.

Then at this same time, we were like "whoa", and I almost began to cry. He said I was a prophet. I wanted to believe I was. But at the same time I thought that I was faking everything, in ways. I don't know. I tend to lie. I was a kid. I wanted attention. But I honestly don't know if I was lying. I want to say isn't Revelation all fire and brimstone? But it's not... Now that I see it there were a few key sames that were enough, really.

And I was about to cry, and I saw what seemed to be the area around his house, and we were inside of it, and there were angels spread out on every side facing in to us. I saw this when I attempted to go back into the vision state. I felt knocked back as I saw it, somewhat disoriented in my body. Knocked forward or back, but I caught myself, though Mike wasn't far away.

He encouraged this view, that I had seen something beyond. He believed, and so did his parents, or they at least allowed it. They were baptists.

Soo seems I haven't spilled the beans in quite some time now, almost a year. Let's assess.

Moved in with A despite him having cheated. Surprised even myself with moving towards forgiving him. Who knew I had THAT in me?

Work is okay, getting the 2 year itch though and thinking its time to move. Also getting passed up for a well deserved promotion has left a sour taste in my mouth. Fuck the banking industry with all its bullshit politics. I know I shouldn't care about trivial shit but at the end of the day we're all chasing the carrot in one way or another so I may as well chase one big fucking carrot.

ok should probably stop my rant now and get back to work. They don't pay me for sitting pretty.

Over n out yo.