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Very high, smoked weed with Carl. Then went to Hilton with Ethan to buy smoke met Leon Morgan and Blaire. smoked lots with them, Ethan went, I left an hour or so later, good night. Meant to be going camping with Josh glass and co on Friday night then back to my house/Alex's with Liam and Ethan. Haven't seen peter in a while :/

I'm watching a documentary on hiv/aids and it has my head swimming in a sea of thoughts. Most of the women on there are telling their stories and all of them except for one lived a life of drug abuse and promiscuity. Their stories are similar to mine in regards to their drug usage and their behavior while using drugs, however there is a HUGE difference. Every single one of them had a horrible child hood and most suffered abuse at the hands of their fathers or other family members. Many of them endured such horrors as being prostituted by their own mother and beaten and raped by an uncle or brother. I have often heard stories such as these in treatment centers or in conversations with other addicts, which most people suggest is the pain and trauma that they went thru in life to cause them to use. It makes me feel like a total fuck up, and like, I had no "reason" to use because I had didn't have a childhood like that. I had two parents in the home and was never abused by them. Sure, my mom made me feel fat and put off her eating issues on to me, but I suffered no type of abuse. I know that I don't need a "reason" to use, and truly believe that addiction is a disease, but it just makes me feel like shit... does anyone know what I mean here???

Also, I always am paranoid that I have hiv/aids... even though I get tested regularly. I remember when I was 13 I had convinced myself that I had it, even though I had never even had sex.

I'm psychotic.

After leaving my meeting tonight, I started walking outside and complained about how cold it was and this lady that goes to meetings with me said "eat a sandwich!"

I found that to be rude. Then another girl chimed in and referred to me as "barbie."

I am struggling really hard with my eating issues right now, not just my drug addiction issues. Maybe I should say something to these women, and then again, maybe I should just sit here and bitch on some blog on a message board that no one reads, while painting my nails bright red and watching trash tv.

(From Archives)

Jan. 4th, 2006 at 7:21 PM
Boy, old people sure do tell you everything don't they? I was @ the grocery store in line with a man, about 86 years old, (still sharp as a razor, mind you) when I made the mistake of making eye contact and smiling, then introducing a small joke about the long wait to check out. By the time I got back to my car, and turned the key in the ignition, I had learned all about his wife and her BMs (thats med speak for bowel movements,) her prolapsed uterus, (yes, when you get old, it falls out ladies!) and then that time he went to the "Casey's" gas station, "you know, the one off of procvidence and 64th?" and they didn't have any fresh donuts for 99 cents. *Gasp* NO! Say it isnt so! As I bagged my groceries, he proceeded to fish out 50 lottery tickets from his pocket for the grocer to check as the people behind him in line sighed and looked annoyingly @ their watches. I was outta there, thank God. Nice old boy though.

I keep having these odd flashbacks, of bad memories. Scenes like a movie in my mind, of a life that seems so long ago. I'm going along with my daily routine, and out of nowhere, I am distracted from what I am doing, and pulled into the past. Images so perfect, and so real, that it has to be present time, not just a memory.

The memories are painful. Will I ever be free? I've been a prisoner to addiction, for so long. Addiction not only to heroin, but to treating myself badly. To hating my self, and torturing myself with bulimia. I finally realize that I have a lot of "stuff" locked deep inside. Does this have to be delodged and cleared out before I can move on? Before I can finally let go?

All I feel is pain

Mar. 29th, 2010 at 8:13 PM
Apparently J got sentenced today...

"A ________ man admitted this afternoon that he robbed a __________ in __________, and a judge sentenced him to 12 years in prison.

________________, of the 1900 block of _____ Road, walked into a ____________ store at 603 _________ Drive on _______ and handed a note to a clerk.

This afternoon, _________ pleaded guilty of robbery in exchange for prosecutors’ recommendation that he be sentenced to 12 years in prison. Circuit Judge Nora ________ followed the terms of the plea agreement.

State law requires that _______ serve at least 85 percent of his sentence before he becomes eligible for release — a little more than 10 years and two months in this case. First-degree robbery has a penalty range of 10 years to life in prison.

_______ also has been charged with three counts of robbery in two other cases.

Assistant prosecutor Matthew _______ represented the state. Assistant public defender Tina ________ represented ________, but public defender Jackson ______ handled today’s plea and sentencing in her absence."

I literally feel like someone put a stake through my heart. All I feel is pain.

Eww?

Apr. 28th, 2010 at 6:18 PM
Ellen (DeGeneres) asked Jessica (Simpson) why she only brushes her teeth three times a week...

"My teeth are so white and I don't like them to feel too slippery, but I do use Listerine and I do floss every day," Jessica said. "But, I don't brush them every day. I'll use a shirt or something. I know it's gross but I always have fresh breath. It's really weird, but I have great breath."

This veil of sadness just hangs over my life. I try to fight it with pot, heroin, benzos but inevitably they run short and there is just so much fucking sadness. I am 25 years old but I cant help but think my best days are behind me. I cant help but think of suicide. Any kind of escape from myself. The most frustrating part is the self loathing. Do I hate life because I do heroin? Or do heroin because I hate life?. Both seem plausible. The only certain thing is the call I will make to my dealer. Of course no one in my real life knows about any of this. My friends don't do heroin and don't understand why I would. Just some lonely shit.

Just got home from carls, still quite high, smoked some weird pharmaceutical shit last night, acts like a sedative, don't know what's in it so I'm not doing it again. Jack still is refusing to give me my Facebook back, going to have to start fucking his house up, that should work.

Associated with fire, among elements.
One of my other closest friends.

Coherence.

Michael. Moved from Arkansas, and Tennessee. Met when we were about 7, or so. I can't remember.
I'm proud in ways of his accomplishment as an F/A-18E pilot... But I have a healthy struggle against that pride.
Then again.
Then again.

He chose me as best man for his wedding.

He married Ashlee.
Two daughters.

Divorced.

I have seen him fly just once. It could have been more, but I haven't been that attentive of a friend in the ways of visiting. Growing up, some just seemed to come around. But he landed once near me. His plane had my name on it. Jeff. And Trent as the last name. Trent, my brain first has strongest connections to Trent Reznor, whose first name is Michael.

It was in Mike's church's parking lot where I first ejaculated into a female, listening to Nine Inch Nails.

The last girl I had sex with before I met a girl who brought attention to Michael- Donna, was Michelle.

My first chosen roommate, in college, went by Mike. His first name was Christopher. Last, White.

One of my earliest sexual experiences with a male was with a Mike. The other was with Christopher.

Christina was my first girl I got naked. Kristin was my first girlfriend. I had her same birthday.

Another Michael was a connection to visit another country- the first and only time I've been out of my own. His family visited when we were in the 2nd and 3rd grade. He and another Mike and I were together often. I think we welcomed him.

One year after I met Donna, who believed in angels, and Michael, a movie came out, in the attention of Michael.

I asked Donna, when I met her, if she knew Michael. Michael- a friend of mine. He had moved to this town that I met her in.

After meeting and splitting from her, I saw in concert first Nine Inch Nails, on her birthday. M. Trent Reznor announced around our split that he was putting that project- The Nine Inch Nails, up for awhile. His next album came out on the anniversary of my breakup with my last ex, as Donna and I weren't really together in that way.

At the Nails concert, I walked into the main section just prior to the concert starting... The main walkway around the amphitheater. I saw a girl directly in front of me. Red, curly hair. The placement and timing was perfect. I knew her. Or I had seen her. She had been on my "favorites" on Myspace- where I also met Donna, first. This girl had been there (in my favorites, but not added) for over a year. Her name was Gabrielle.

Donna has red hair. My ex has red hair. The red seemed to come after Alisha... the once love of my life, who I'm pretty sure I have let go of now in the ways that I can (we're all tied, to be here, it's inevitable).

Gabrielle has red hair. I recognized her from the back/side. I didn't say anything to her... But sent her a message shortly after the concert, asking her if she was there. She just sent me her phone number. I called her a week later, and went to meet her about an hour away from here, where she lives. And the day I called her, someone close to her- an uncle/father like figure, had just died. And the day I went to see her, she had come directly from his funeral, when she met me. I parked right next to the restaurant where she had planned for us to have lunch at, though I didn't know... I was just parking to get wi-fi.

Where I parked, there was a storage shed in front of me with the number 203 above it. I kind of messed up, with Donna, in something involving a storage shed-- Plans were made once, then changed, and I messed up around that change, becoming confused and acting in that confusion. 23, 203 223, 23 anything, I sometimes see in certain ways, that are special, that I have seen.

Donna played one song when I was with her, that I remember. She turned it on as I came back inside, from going home one day to shower and feed my cat. "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel, was this one song. Our first night together, she wanted to do something where we maintained eye contact for some long period of time. Kind of like a staring contest, but not a contest. This was the longest I did maintain eye contact with anyone. Then I see Gabrielle, as mentioned, on Donna's birthday, at the concert. I see her on her birthday, and I last heard from her- Gabrielle, was on my birthday. She left me a message wishing me a happy birthday.

Donna has a different way of spelling her middle name. Not that it isn't totally uncommon, it seems the more common way is a different way. I first noticed it with her, as when I asked her her name, she either told me how to spell her middle name, or corrected me as I wrote it down... One L. Her middle name, Richele, I first wrote, probably as Richelle, as I had learned to write names such as Michelle, as such, with two Ls. Anyways, so she spells her name with one L. After Donna, I connected that a girl I knew, who coincidentally reminded me of her, Melissa, spells her name the same way- her middle name, being Michele.

Melissa Michele is the only other girl I have known to strip, as well, and "prostitute" in this way. And I wanted to kiss both of them at least one time, to stop them from talking about "demons"... Also unique to those two.

I began to see the number 23 around when I began talking to Melissa, some years ago, when I was still with Alisha. I may have begun to see it before, but I gave Melissa a book by R.A.W., one of the ones where he mentions 23. I barely read any of it, but I think I may have got it because it had 23 in it... Or I really don't know. Many people claim that I'm suffering from some delusion of this number having more prominence than it seems to have, in my life, but they aren't me, they haven't had my experience, and are in no place to pass judgment, or even assume. But the number is in my life, thick. It's also the day of the year I met Donna on, to skip through a lot, and she would later appear in a magazine, and the number would be in the picture where she appeared. Etc. Literally, Et Cetera.

I met Donna 161 weeks approximately (toward 162) after my ex (first red head) gave me a watch, for Christmas, 2005. 161 (closer to 162) days had passed in 1982 when I was born. 203 days remained in the year. 203 weeks after splitting from Donna would be the date of 12/21/2012, somewhat or just on precisely, and that day was also, somewhat, special. On 12/21/2012, I was paid 1221 dollars, and something cents, as well. To connect back to Donna, 203, the storage unit was marked 203, where I met Gabrielle.

Richard (Donald), my best friend, his dad died on October 23rd, 2012. Donna (Richele), posted the picture where she appears in a magazine, with the number 23 in her frame, only days before. The service that I attended was held at an address 1840. 1840 I first thought of Donna, as she brought attention to the number 184, or I did by taking her name, and adding my last name to her, as I thought about her being my wife, and the voice told me she was, when I first met her. The number 184 is 23 times 2 to the 3rd power (8, 23x8 ), and is also a number I associate with my mom, association by calculating her name sum. Both her name and Donna's name, before adding the last name, have sums of 108, in one "reality" (way). I kind of wonder if I was supposed to or was not supposed to hit that button. And I feel it also works because the number is "holy" in at least a couple of traditions, and it's in a harmonic proportion with the way our solar system is set up... in ratios of distances, sizes, at least with the sun and us, and moon and us, and how would mother and love, and wife not have anything to do with that?

I understand this has gotten far too long. I'm trying to squeeze it all in. It never works. I may be deleting some of this.

Gabriel. I was hawking pizzas one day, at my old job. I had to take two special orders, as I didn't have the kind of pizzas the people wanted at the time. The first person to ask for a special pizza was Angel. And at the time, this was enough to be on my same page. But I'm a constant skeptic. Agnostic. I have times of belief... and I do believe... But in ways I am very much an agnostic to what it actually is. I can say I don't know all day long and I will have been more honest than most days, probably. Anyways, the next person to order, writing his name down next to Angel, was Gabriel.

I actually forget who signed first, and wrote their numbers... But the second one to sign looked at me strangely.

It began to rain. Rainy day.

I lost my ID recently. The day I lost it- when I realized I did, at the drive-thru at a pharmacy picking up meds for a run for my job, the pharmacist asked me if my name was Michael. That same day I got a wrong order in the beginning, sent to my phone, that had instructions to deliver to someone named D'Amico, Angel, in New Jersey, but I am in Indianapolis, so that run should have been handled by couriers elsewhere. I think I informed my dispatchers of this at this time, near this time picking up here.

So you're sitting there... Doing your business. And you lean forward to rest your elbows on your legs. The toilet flushes. Not just any flush...

The fucking thing gave me a shower. Watered my underside multiple times, and the back of my sweater.

Its seriously a really stupid implementation of the technology and I cant believe it is happening.

My best friend Richard married Lauren.
His only other ongoing relationship was with another- also with the name Lauren. The first one was Black, which was somewhat out of the ordinary for people from my home town, as we were about 99% white. The one he married is white.

When Richard turns 1 the moon phase is full. When I do, its new.

Donna, I noticed some time after I met her, among many other things close, that her name and Richard's name are really similar. Richard's is Richard Donald, and hers is Donna Richele, after her father, Donald Richard.

I was just driving, and drove past the exit we took from the main loop, to go onto Pendleton Pike, heading toward Lawrence. When I was with Donna. And she pointed out where she worked, on the way.

Lawrence and Lauren are also the same/of the same.

Kind of interesting to me.

I found that exes names can spell the word mask, where only first letter is used. I wondered what the next "word" could be. Since it is mask backwards, d from Donna would end the "next" (preceding mask) word. Supporting this some way might be that my first girlfriend (that I was old enough to and did take seriously), Katie, reached out to me, adding me on Facebook within weeks of meeting Donna... And in words their positions are the same. Also, delving into number play, they shared same full name sums. Finally, I showed Katie to Donna.

Along the theme of the bay laurel, often shown with victory/ victors, I have often wondered what kind of "mask" God is taking about. I asked further, what four letter (why four I don't know really) word might be formed... And I came up with "wind", to have "wind-mask", which although might not be what "it is", resonates. And finally to tie it: I already have "d", now I just need "win".

And having "win" might just be a mind to see it, as already.

I have to be honest I don't believe in much. I kind of think there is an alterior motive. I've seen losing as winning... Not that I don't want still.

I might waste.

who knows

Her. This day, five years ago, was when I last felt in any contact with the last girl that I liked-- Last that I liked to any degree where I might actually try, that is. This was the day I felt out of contact. And I was right.

One year after, on this date, I had the combination of an anxiety/panic attack, and an allergic reaction to milk and possibly other substances, which made me think I was having a heart attack. I wasn't yet aware I was allergic to milk- or anything, though I'd find it probably sabotaged me in life many times before.

I went to the hospital and they said it was a panic attack... But the weight on my chest didn't go away even as I would feel calm. It took a month or more for me to connect that it was milk.

Fitting.

I had connected this girl to my mom, in some respects. In my life it seems all my girlfriends had something in common with my mother... Or what my mother is in the line of. Some were stronger connections than others, like Alisha- who I was obsessed with, or was obsessed with my own association with her, who shared my mom's maiden name, and was closest to her eye color (green spectrum), and was the average or mean sum when her name was calculated, of the first four girls I felt seriously for.

Anyways, so I had this "heart attack". It was my first nieces birthday. The first born from my generation, from my sister.

The next year, I made sure I didn't do anything on that day, as the experience was somewhat traumatic. I took it easy. But the next day at work, my first delivery was to a family with the last name Hart. First and only delivery, as a pizza delivery guy. For some reason, I think it was slow, I went home that night after that one delivery.

The year after this, my Grandmother died. 1/31. Once again I felt a heart attack feeling happening multiple times around this time... This time because I ate beef liver. During her funeral, I felt some of the worst chest pain I had felt yet at that point. But I was determined it was the beef, and determined not to collapse dead at a funeral.

I'm raping this story. There's too much more to it.

The last girl, still, that I've had sex with, where there was no exchange of money, was a girl with the last name Hart... but the dates don't go with anything as far as I have been able to tell, in any artistic way... But I was thinking I had heart problems for a time up until that night I met her, and had sex with her. Discovered I'm fine. Problem is tension/anxiety. I guess this is the last time that just happened, unless I consider what went on with Rayna, as sex. Which it wasn't.

Anyways, so this year, a guy from Florida moved in next door to me. His name is Noah.

Donna, the girl this is circling around, moved to Florida recently, to be nearer to her family.

When Noah moved in, I saw this C-shaped thing laying on the ground.



And it reminded me of Donna, because I built her futon one night, spending like 5 hours doing so- why, because I tend to be a perfectionist and it was hard to balance the parts to put it together, with only my hands. And I over-do things. I didn't want it falling apart and hurting her. She had gone to sleep, because she was tired from not sleeping well the night before.

...But it came with these pieces, like above, and none of them fit where they were supposed to. At least, I didn't figure it out. It still bothers me that I didn't complete it, or at least clear that it wasn't my lack of ability, or something.

I took that picture today, as I saw it on the sidewalk, walking to my car. I haven't seen it in awhile... as snow has been on the ground quite a lot, and before, it pretty much stayed where it was, near my apartment block's doorway, where it was before.

I always look for something on this day. Not that I actively look, but sometimes things just pop out that are associated, most closely with me, to her. I keep my eyes open.

Yesterday, I got in a car wreck, but despite the fender being crumbled like tin, alignment is still perfect, and no mechanical damage. If it would have happened today, it might have meant something more to me. I'm glad it wasn't as bad as it could have been...

Maybe it was, like this wreck- the connection with her wasn't as bad as it could have been. That's what I feel like I was avoiding, in ways, back then. Colliding in an uncontrollable way. Messing up. I didn't have a job back then. No place for her to go. I didn't know a lot that I know now. What I know now is that I love her, and I'm not afraid of it. I love her. This is unconditional, at my highest, which is where I try to speak from, and give the most to (my lowest of course I try to keep low, but it's there sometimes, probably out of forgetfulness).

But this is not to say I have hopes for her, or that I think she's "perfect for me"... because I love myself, too. I need someone for me, too, if I should have anyone in my life at all. The way I love her now, is that I want her happiness. I want her to love, and be loved, and I want relative peace for her. I'd support her if I could, any way I could. I'd be her friend. I'd love her child. And try to love who she loves. Really, not to get gushy, or fake. But I would rather feel love. I identify most.

She seems to be in my head, sometimes. It all kind of does. I met a girl with the last name Stark, on OkCupid- never met in person, just exchanged some words. I asked if her name was a reference to Iron Man or if it was her last name. She confirmed it was her last name- the first one with it that I had noticed. At this same time I was talking to Rayna, who I mentioned above, and some hours later, she said she just put her son to bed, and he was insistent on wearing his Iron Man costume, that she allowed- A never before occurrence, I guess, for him to want this. I would be the point that sees this, and I didn't relay anything between them until then, when I told her about the girl with the last name Stark.

I don't really know what route to take. I just keep watching.

I keep watching her.

In this time that we met, she's been more actively changing in ways that I am allowed to see. I tend to find another explanation, though, like how Valentines Day is coming up, and people come awake around this time of year anyways, as the days start to get longer, and the sun starts shining more orange (something about the angle letting more "orange" through).

But there are so many times. I just keep talking myself out of this.

I play in my lies.

I'm an opportunist.

Suddenly it dawns on you.
Not a linguistic thought of condition,
but a divine feeling of awareness.
A knowing without explaining,
still conscious yet not participating.

Emptiness is bliss.
Euphoric ecstasy of knowledge enveloping
your entire being with divine grace.

In the moment you realize
that you are the universe.
The universe is everything in and of itself.
The moment, like everything, is eternal -
Never ending, yet never beginning
Always changing, but always the same.

So my bulimia has pretty much taken an encore in my life. I guess it's not surprising... one addiction for another. Only my situation is strange because I don't "binge and purge," I only purge. Like, a normal meal. I don't eat like 2,000 calories then have to purge... I've never really been a binger.. mainly just purging something I thought I shouldn't have eaten. I don't know, I'm not trippin over it. I'm fine with it. I realize this it's probably unhealthy to be so nonchalant about it, but I figure I have to take it one thing at a time. Plus, my teeth are really nice. I always said I would stop if my teeth ever got fucked up. Isn't that sick?

I'm feeling pretty good. I am learning to TRY to turn my negatives into positives. I'm not scared to learn more about myself anymore. I really do think that some day soon, things are going to be alright.

How come I don't have permission to delete my blogs please?

Intrepid thoughts of random origin, no translation, no meaning, no reason.
Just repetitive nonsensical bullshit that makes you want to pull the trigger
and paint the wall with your already decaying brain matter.

But think about the poor asshole who would have to clean it up.

Instead perhaps a cocktail of intravenous pseudo-suicide to temporarily
euthanize the firing squad of random broken electrical signals in your thick skull.

But think about your pride, and ego - back to day one?
May as well just paint the fucking wall at that point.

No choice but to try and solve the insolvable,
decipher the indecipherable, translate the untranslatable.
Better call a wind talker before your dilapidated mind goes up like Hiroshima.

Too late. It was inevitable anyway. You've past the event horizon
and the last traces of tangible thought are lost to speghettification.

Darkness. Welcome to the void.

supersonic isotonic muscle spasm brain waves on it
quiver-ing with no intent
he brought you to orgasmic end

once upon a time you said
no man could match this game in bed
it was the best you could imagine
euphoric heat waves from a dragon

that time has passed and things have changed
the memories cause so much pain
left and went for education
my time with you was love-propagation

before you left, just one more time
I brought that ecstasy of mine
we played that game you loved so much
curling toes, with my touch

Pleasure bomb, the fuse was lit
I-could-not-believe-this-shit
After you had said “the end”
we still made love and made souls blend

You agreed “this can’t be over”
maybe we should take things slower
then you left, returned to school
its different now, was I a fool?

You haven’t spoken to me since
whats up with your am-biv-a-lence?
somethings changed since last we spoke
please don’t treat me like a joke

the side effects of love connection
happen most with lost reflection
I wish you were still in my life
I can see you as my wife

I see dancing in that skirt
the image really makes me hurt
I wish we had just one more day
what-could-make-this-pain-go-away

in all the world, just one thing
pick up the phone, give me a ring
explain to me that you were wrong
that you still loved me, all along

Three years ago I had a strong pressure occur that I'm sure was my gallbladder.

For those years I have learned to eat differently and tried to avoid pain. Recently my diet has had a lot of fat in the form of hemp seed oil in it. I was just fine with this. But then I increased my sugar, and now I'm struggling again.

Today I bought unpasteurized apple juice. I haven't been drinking or eating apple in awhile because I misdiagnosed problems, thinking I was intolerant of fructose... A malabsorber. This isn't the case as I can eat it to my hearts content. So I got some apple juice today, as it is said to help with gallstones. The malic acid is named as the therapeutic agent (but I can't handle it straight).

I'd rather not have surgery but honestly if I had the cash to do it I'd have already paid someone to go snip to that troublemaker. I don't care if I have to take lipase. I am tired of felling like there's a huge dull thorn in my side, or like someone stabbed me and left the blade inside. I had gotten away from it for good amount of time... with no attacks... But the pain has returned.

Maybe the juice will soften them to where they aren't so much trouble.

If not... I guess I'm glad I'm getting insurance.

Yayyyy human body.

Economy still getting me down, literally & figuratively . . . got BIG lawsuit that could determine whether I ever get out of Babylon, wrote a blog about it called Sycamore Vista Land Fraud, the name of the subdivision where I bought 50-vacant lots 1996-2003. If I could get the construction liens off the land, I could sell ten of the finished lots for $360,000.

I did quit smoking for a few months after I passed out after taking two deep drags of American Spirit tobacco in a pipe. AS tobacco has the highest amount of Nicotine. I found a couple of scientific reports of people passing out from nicotine. I thought I was dying! It scared me so much, I quit smoking. Then a few weeks later I got drunk at home and bought a pack . . . I only smoke two or three ciggs/day, a pack lasts a week.

Have really cut back on taking Ativan (Lorazipam) for anxiety. I'm obsessed with taking my blood pressure. Think I can see light at the end of the tunnel. lawyer is hopeful we can get the liens off the lots -- they expired due to limitations but the person with the liens wants some compensation. My lawyer is an expert in Homeowner's Association law and construction contracts. It has cost me about $30,000 so far.

The person suing me is a real rat.

A dear friend committed suicide last year, he was like a brother/son . . . really sad. He lost a really good-paying job with the City after mouthing off to a co-worker about another crew's boss, the worker told the boss. I didn;t think it was right that he could get fired but U have to be a team player and he just started the job, so he had no Union protection. After losing the job, he started using heroin and found a cute girl who was also an addict and fell into love with her. I didn't know at the time that either of them were addicts although he said he was in rehab.

This friend & I worked for 6-months fixing up a rental house I own downtown. I let him and his brother live there until it was finished. When my dad was visiting, he drove the RV into my neighbor's fence. Dad gave me $300 to fix it. It only cost a few dollars in materials and since it wasn't my money,I gave the friend $100 for a few hours work. With that money he went on a three-day binge with the GF. On the last day he ran out of $$$ and the girl wasn't interested in seeing him. He informed his mother (he was living with her) something about getting a gun and killing himself. She hid the gun. He died on the railroad tracks with a quart of beer. His blood-alcohol level was .200-something, way over the legal driving limit. The train ran him over.

Just yesterday, I got another reminder of him when his City job sent his Withholding statement to my house. He used my address as a safe place to receive mail. I posted the Statement on his facebook page in case any of his relatives wanted to file for the withheld $$$ but then took it off the page. Not sure how much it is . . . could be $1000 or $10. I forget when he lost the City job. If he started the job in 2013, it's probably $1000. I don't want to open it. Maybe I'll contact his brother, also a Facebook friend. (Another FB friend introduced me to him when I asked her if she knew anyone who could help me renovate a house . . . He also tiled my shower. For awhile I let him live in an RV in my back yard.

I still believe in miracles.

God Bless You,

Raquel!

Sitting in bed, have been all day, got high as hell last night, pretty sure I'm frying my brain though, gonna stop smoking so much in sessions. I completely forget who I am even with all the time and will start a conversation with someone, thinking they were someone I haven't seen in about an hour, then forget who they are 5 minutes later again. Just got to take a break and ill be fine.

Sitting in bed, have been all day, got high as hell last night, pretty sure I'm frying my brain though, gonna stop smoking so much in sessions. I completely forget who I am even with all the time and will start a conversation with someone, thinking they were someone I haven't seen in about an hour, then forget who they are 5 minutes later again. Just got to take a break and ill be fine.

I wasn't paying enough.

Today I have a pain in my side and I spit up blood and what looks like bile... But I think the blood is from my throat.