Ugh... so I totally just had a bulimic episode...
I'm driving home from Bobbi's house and something came over me. An urge so irresistible, so strong, that I, well, could not resist. I went to McDonald's and ordered a medium fry (crack fries as D calls them,) and one cookie. The I drove around barely chewing the food and stuffing it down my gullet. I was driving down a deserted highway (as I like to do when I'm doing "secret" behavior,) and as I was stuffing the last of the fries in my mouth, I just started crying. (wtf?) So there I am, driving down a deserted highway at night stuffing fries into my mouth with tears streaming down my face. I felt so hopeless. I felt so disgusted by my behavior. I felt so ugly. I felt so fucking out of control.
I notice each time I get clean from heroin, my bulimic actions and desires are getting stronger. I am scared that I will not be able to control this... I know these patterns. I recognize this type of thinking... if I don't do something, it won't be long until my descent into daily disordered eating. I swear, if my teeth ever get fucked up from this shit.. omg. I am way to vain to have fucked up teeth. I am rather surprised that my teeth look like they do after being an intermittent puker for so many years. When people compliment me on my teeth and how white they are I always think to myself..."hmmm if you only knew"
Old habits die hard.
I'm driving home from Bobbi's house and something came over me. An urge so irresistible, so strong, that I, well, could not resist. I went to McDonald's and ordered a medium fry (crack fries as D calls them,) and one cookie. The I drove around barely chewing the food and stuffing it down my gullet. I was driving down a deserted highway (as I like to do when I'm doing "secret" behavior,) and as I was stuffing the last of the fries in my mouth, I just started crying. (wtf?) So there I am, driving down a deserted highway at night stuffing fries into my mouth with tears streaming down my face. I felt so hopeless. I felt so disgusted by my behavior. I felt so ugly. I felt so fucking out of control.
I notice each time I get clean from heroin, my bulimic actions and desires are getting stronger. I am scared that I will not be able to control this... I know these patterns. I recognize this type of thinking... if I don't do something, it won't be long until my descent into daily disordered eating. I swear, if my teeth ever get fucked up from this shit.. omg. I am way to vain to have fucked up teeth. I am rather surprised that my teeth look like they do after being an intermittent puker for so many years. When people compliment me on my teeth and how white they are I always think to myself..."hmmm if you only knew"
Old habits die hard.