In the beginning, the first few months, feelings of guilt start to creep in. You think, "Why am I doing this to myself? This is not what I want out of life!". But as time passes, the guilt gets pushed further and further inward and you begin to care less and less, There's just no time for it anymore!
You have to steel yourself and put your feelings on the back burner. The only passion there's room for is the chase, the high, the moment when you can leave the constant grind of everyday life behind.
The ones that come to me, asking me to cop for them? The ones that think this is some sort of occasional thing they can indulge in, like going out to eat eat an expensive restaurant once in a while? I feel bad for them, feel somehow superior, God knows why? I've seen it before. Like anything else, you either have a knack for it and learn or you find a less dangerous hobby more suited to you....or you die, or you go to prison, get disowned by your friends family, quit school, lose your job or....... maybe just maybe you can be one of the few of us that can actually keep pace with the demon, for awhile...but be warned, that demon just gets faster and stronger and bigger every day....You gotta fight that demon tooth and nail, learn everything you can about his game......You got become as mean as he is, make em him work for you, make em your bitch!
Most junkies would've wanted a different life, to have been born into different circumstances, to have capitalized on all the missed oppurtunities...But you can;t go back, can't change who you are and creating a reality that's worth living in by traditional means, just seems like so much effort after a point, fuck it! We don't don't know what the fuck we want anyway....
How do you go after what you want when you don't even know what that is?
The dope thickens our skin, toughens us up, makes us immune to rejection, pain, freezing cold winter days, self-loathing. None of these can penetrate. Well..... sometimes, in the middle of the night, you wake up in a cold sweat and think,"This isn't my life! This is so horrible! How am I doing this!:....Then the sickness kicks in and you're faced with the decsion, which doesn't seem much like a decision at all. So you pull yourself together and do it again and again and again until it's all you have left. It's all you're good at. It's all you know. It's sounds sad to other people, but you know exactly what led up to this point and don't really feel too bad about it unless youre broke and sick. You're gonna keep it going until you have a good reason not to or until something forces you to. Fuck it, that's the nature of the game.
You have to steel yourself and put your feelings on the back burner. The only passion there's room for is the chase, the high, the moment when you can leave the constant grind of everyday life behind.
The ones that come to me, asking me to cop for them? The ones that think this is some sort of occasional thing they can indulge in, like going out to eat eat an expensive restaurant once in a while? I feel bad for them, feel somehow superior, God knows why? I've seen it before. Like anything else, you either have a knack for it and learn or you find a less dangerous hobby more suited to you....or you die, or you go to prison, get disowned by your friends family, quit school, lose your job or....... maybe just maybe you can be one of the few of us that can actually keep pace with the demon, for awhile...but be warned, that demon just gets faster and stronger and bigger every day....You gotta fight that demon tooth and nail, learn everything you can about his game......You got become as mean as he is, make em him work for you, make em your bitch!
Most junkies would've wanted a different life, to have been born into different circumstances, to have capitalized on all the missed oppurtunities...But you can;t go back, can't change who you are and creating a reality that's worth living in by traditional means, just seems like so much effort after a point, fuck it! We don't don't know what the fuck we want anyway....
How do you go after what you want when you don't even know what that is?
The dope thickens our skin, toughens us up, makes us immune to rejection, pain, freezing cold winter days, self-loathing. None of these can penetrate. Well..... sometimes, in the middle of the night, you wake up in a cold sweat and think,"This isn't my life! This is so horrible! How am I doing this!:....Then the sickness kicks in and you're faced with the decsion, which doesn't seem much like a decision at all. So you pull yourself together and do it again and again and again until it's all you have left. It's all you're good at. It's all you know. It's sounds sad to other people, but you know exactly what led up to this point and don't really feel too bad about it unless youre broke and sick. You're gonna keep it going until you have a good reason not to or until something forces you to. Fuck it, that's the nature of the game.
