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I met a girl yesterday. She gave me a tour of an apartment, at a place called Fountainhead Apartments, one community north of the one I am in, which is Reflections.

She reminded me a little of a little of the girl I asked to marry me, Alisha Finch, who wanted what I wanted, but this is a long story, and I let her go. It was in her eyes- Tricia's eyes, that she looked very similar, though hers were blue, and Alisha's were green. There was just something familiar.

As we entered the apartment that she was showing to me, she mentioned her son having a reconstructive ear surgery just recently. She said he lost two of his ear bones to an infection/disease... That they were ate up by it. I'm familiar with this, as I went through the same thing. I said, "cholesteatoma?", and she said yes, surprised I knew, and expressed relief to find someone who knew about it- who identified, and who had had it. I was the first person she had met, besides her son, to have had this disease, and she was the first person I have met to at least be this close to it.

I advised her to get her son tested for food allergies. Milk is a prominent allergy, and is said to be responsible for many cases of chronic ear infections- the cause of this cholesteatoma. Allergies don't often cause obvious symptoms, to ones who wouldn't know what to look for. I know that I could have been saved a lot of trouble had mine been identified from an early age. I only realized when I was 27.

I said something, asking about her husband, and she said that she is not married. And I looked at her ring, saying "what? uh, I thought..", and she said that she bought that at Wal-Mart because a guy was filming her when she was showing him an apartment some weeks back. That it was recommended by a sheriff that helps with security there. I got an erection, then, and had to try to maintain stability in conversation, as before I approached her respectfully, as a non-single lady. And she was open, and was quick to tell me that she was not married. And, with our connection (shared disease, among them), and her comments on liking my five finger shoes, and not being in a hurry to get back to her office, nor even answer her son's texts (8 years old-- I told her to, but she kept talking to me), it seemed she might be open, to me.

At some point before or after, I showed her a picture, on my phone, of millipedes that I found in the apartment I was supposed to move into in my current complex. She said that her son has the same phone.

I saw some ants once, in the kitchen, walking down the wall next to the bar. Two of them, walking together. She said that she thought that they were cute, and I thought that was cute.

I noticed she had a patch of facial hair, under her jaw-line, on the left side. I had to do a double take. Otherwise she's very feminine, and not unattractive, though not perfect physically- not fully aligned teeth/crooked, yada yada, not perfect form, yada. The hair, understandably, might trouble a male to see. As much time as girls spend on their face, I have seen far too many that totally miss hair under their chin, or along the jaw-line. Not a lot, but still.

Alisha had the same thing. But I made her aware of it. And I think it made her insecure, even though I was trying to be as unarmed about it as possible.

I'm not trying to be shallow. Just that it connected. I am certainly not perfect.

Alisha, who I asked to marry me (the only one), who had my mother's maiden name, and who's name can calculate to 23 by numerology, though I didn't know it then even though I went on and on about the number to her, first of all (for girls), has the average sum of all four names of the four girls who I dated seriously, in life- those ones I invested in. Names Marilyn, Alisha, Sara, Katie, beginning with Katie, and ending with Marilyn. Mask.

I think she- Trica had the surgeries her son had mixed up, but I am not sure. I got the impression that he got the mastoidectomy in November, on the same side as mine, and if that is the case then he will have reconstructive surgery about 8 months or so after that, to give the disease any chance to grow back (it's a benign tumor), if it would- it would in that time most likely. To give that chance, before attempting reconstruction.

Later, I went to Whole Foods, and ran into a guy that I frequently talk to, named Matt. He works behind the meat counter, and has made a point to remember my name. He is often hard to hear, speaking without enough volume, because his ears are messed up. He told me he is supposed to wear hearing aids, but doesn't. I ask him to repeat himself. He also asks me, sometimes. But he's not the only one, because my problem is similar to his, in that I have ear problems, and I also speak too quietly for people, sometimes... Or used to. I don't seem to have any problem lately, with the common person.

I seem to catch Matt on his breaks, a lot. He'll be going on break when I am there. It could just be and probably is because I go often the same time each day, though yesterday I went at a different time.

On the way out, a girl, Lora, a girl who seems to have taken a liking to me, tells me I am a machine, when she asks if I am still drinking so much apple juice, after I told her I am also drinking 16 oz of apple cider vinegar a day. I said "we're all machines". And she said that I am like Optimus Prime. I was a little perplexed by her comment for a second, and smiled, saying that that is a compliment. She smiled, and said "I know".

Today, as I am getting to my car, I see a girl next to it, messing around with the trunk of hers. It was closed, and as I walk by, she opens it. Her car is a hatchback. I first did notice just her, and a slender, but in shape body, with tight, black pants on like so many girls wear. Straight, healthy looking brown hair. I look, but of course try not to stare. She opens her trunk to situate something inside, before going inside the Whole Foods. I see a picture of what looks like a bus, going into a tunnel. It is a watercolor painting. The bus is greenish. Teal-ish. It is a striking piece of work. It caught my eye. So I did stare at it. She noticed me looking at it, as I put stuff away in my trunk, next to her, and seemed to hold off shutting her hatchback. Then I asked if that was her art. She said, "If you can call it art". I went closer, and asked if she minded. She said she didn't, and then moved a steering wheel cover that was laying around the greater part of the image, to let me see more of it. She asked me if I was an artist, and I said, "eh... I don't know.", and she laughed.

She began to explain the image to me, and I noticed her accent. Eastern European/Russian. From her speaking, I thought she was older. Older than me. I hadn't yet made direct contact on her face... only her shape. She explained her image as inspired by selective hearing. There were "thought bubbles" around, and some on a traincar (but I said bus, before, in this), going into an ear, which I had just noticed. Above, it said "To Brain". At the brain- or closest in where the brain might be, there was a clock. It was hard to tell at first what everything was, but it was all interesting to look at without knowing at first. Something about the details. There was a lot going on. It was cool to find out what it was.

We made eye contact, for the first time, and I was struck with how blue her eyes were. Very light, light blue. Hair dark brown, straight. Skin smooth, white. Looked younger- mid twenties. I asked her if she was Russian, and she said yes, but I could tell there was some hesitation. I told her I worked with a lot of Russians, when I delivered pizza for Dominos, some years back, and she connected- her father worked there for many years. She told me his name, but it didn't ring a bell. He stopped working there before I got there. But, she knew Vlad, and some others who worked there. Alex, too, and others. She said that this is a "small town". I think I didn't catch her expression, as she seemed serious. I said, "eh, not really"- as it's really with about a million people or so. I don't know. Around there.

At some point she worked in that she was actually Estonian, when I asked another question. I sort of apologized for assuming she was Russian- that it was her accent, but she basically said she is- and that her parents are from Belarus, and that they all speak Russian.

Her name is Anna. Ah-Nah.

So, I've just finished reading yet another frothing-at-the-mouth hysteria piece about a "deadly new drug corrupting our youth"; it goes without saying the drug is relatively benign compared to some the shit you can buy legally. (I'm referring to kratom of all things btw) they were even trying to claim people have begun snorting and shooting it..(ha!) Rather than get depressed about the blatant sensationalism of our gutter press, I decided to write a spoofy little news story of my own. Here it goes, and I apologise for the length of my first blog: (it's lampooning the media's methods, and people who have strong opinions of drug users, while remaining ignorant of the nature of addiction; I am an addict myself btw)


The Daily Disinformation can reveal worrying new reports of a deadly new drug ravaging our nation: it's called homeopathic morphine, and every day millions of your poor, innocent children are becoming trapped in its deadly claws. It's fatal, It's addictive, and we have absolutely no medical evidence to prove this. People are flocking to homeopathy clinics in record numbers to obtain this vile poison, and nobody can testify to this fact more than brave recovering addict Irene Puddlefish:

"It's destroyed my life. I would go "doctor shopping" for homeopathic morphine, paying up to 2000 per visit for consultations and prescriptions. It all began when I started searching for a cure for my terminal hypochondria. Conventional medicine wouldn't help me; they said i was neurotic. I found that cure, and I found a world of pain and misery, in homeopathic morphine. It gave me a mild sense of well being and relaxation. (Although that could have just been my imagination). I would visit these doctors at least 5 times per day, and I'll never forget the deadly anticipation I would feel as they were filling my prescription. They would hand over the little sugar pills treated with a single drop of water, containing one part morphine per 100 trillion parts water. I was driven, and utterly obsessed. Until the day I discovered I was addicted, and would suffer the most excruciating withdrawal symptoms if I missed my fix. They were terrible: I would get a vague sense of being off kilter, and a mild sense of being ill-at-ease (Although that could have just been my imagination). At least until the day I decided to check my myself into a 5000 per week rehab clinic. The detox process was hellish. (Although that could have just been my imagination).

I'm clean now, and I'm doing the right things; I'm determined to save our poor, innocent, helpless babies from making the same mistakes I made. ( I have no children; I don't really like them, if I'm honest. But I feel strongly about preventing people from getting high). These days I drive around my city, hissing and snarling at those awful,awful people at methadone clinics. I also enjoy guarding the lobby of my apartment with a loaded handgun, and forcing everybody entering or leaving to take a drug test at gunpoint. Once, somebody tested positive for cannabis when he tried to leave his home, so I shot him in the face. Twice. It was the only way to help the poor man; i had no choice. The government gave me a medal: Brave Hero of the War Against Drugs. It was the proudest moment of my life."

We at the Daily Disinformation do not condone shooting recreational
Drug users in the face. Parents, if your worried about your kiddies becoming addicted to homeopathic morphine, we strongly advise you to do the smart thing and drug test them regularly. Or you could just drag them to a rehab clinic, just to be safe. At gunpoint, if necessary.

We think its high time somebody finally says: wont somebody PLEASE think of the children!?

Editors note: Irene Puddlefish is a fictional character; we made her up on the back of a fag packet to make you take us seriously. It's been a very slow news week. We're confident your not reading this, however; it's more than likely your already grabbing your pitchforks and torches.

Normal week at school, last night we bout 3g, got a bus down to Croachy and Angus got a lift up. It was just Me Ethan and Angus. Went down to the bridge and smoked only two joints, the sky was amazing before we smoked anything.

After the two I was higher than I had ever been before. Everything was shaking and fuzzy, peoples faces changed into a completely different person. Everything was flashing and swirling. Even though I had walked that road hundreds of times in my life it was like I had never seen it before. I was hyper as hell for 4 hours or so.

I remember feeling like I was soaking wet, drenched in water and soaking wet hair. I started pretending half a pineapple was a fish, and that the room was a fish tank and I was underwater. Mother was just laughing I was so baked. She told us not to smoke anymore but of course we did, which annoyed her. The next 2 did nothing relative to the first 2, they were just like normal joints. We played halo for an hour or so and went to bed after my Mum started shouting at us. Still a joint sitting in my box Ethan forgot. It was his weed.

Mum is now in town doing stuff and getting me new phone. Jack le maitres mental sesh tonight isn't worth the hassle, no-one is going. Its his birthday as well. Poor fat guy.

Imagine you've lived your whole life in the US, or another 1st-world western nation, being told every day you're free.

Look at the people around you.

Now tell me which ones are free?

Free from debt?

Anxiety?

Stress?

Fear?

Failure?

Indignity?

Betrayal?

Discrimination?

Free from being told what they can or cannot ingest?

How many would consider themselves free?

How many wish they were born knowing what they know now?

Ask yourself how many would do things the same way all over again?

Hiya Everyone

Please can someone help me delete blogs. I use them to vent when angry as a way of TRYING not to do so in the threads. But when I do so, it says I do not have permission to do so. It's so frustrating. I've already put a thread in 'Support,' about this but I really would like to delete my own blogs.
If there are any administrators / moderators reading this, please, please, PLEASE help me with this so that I am able to delete my blogs.
As I use them as a way to vent when I'm angry I really don't want a list of negative blogs for people so read so if anyone could help me with this I would be sincerely grateful.

Please take care everyone and all the best,
Evey xxxx

Things are simple, got baked off powdered pollen yesterday at lunch. Was very anxious for some reason while smoking it but walking to ASDA in the sun I felt a general sense on contentment. We got more after school and met forbes for the first time in months. I enjoyed being with him as he was fairly mellow, but still pretty boasty. Last night I was completely zoned out. Everything looked like a sketch or drawing, was enjoyable.

Only problem was we watched a film last night that I thought I had never seen before, although it seemed strangely familiar. About half way through I realised I had seen it before, but when VERY high so remembered nothing about it. I still remember very little of it after watching it a second time... Not sure that's a good thing.

Does my drug of choice really make me a bad person? Is the scarlet letter on my forehead truly deserved? What have I done to you? I carry no ill will towards you and I am genuinely sorry we cant keep being friends. I wish this could have ended differently.

Wiki: "In the context of bipolar disorder, a mixed state is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously."

Its pretty fucking weird and I don't like it and when it gets to be too much I go back on the meds again. I just took 20mg of Celexa (which has been upped to 40 but I haven't even started taking it). Tommorow night I will start off with a small dose of Seroquel and prepare for weeks of deep sleep. Oh well atleast I'll be sane (in my own way).

No more self-medicating bipolar with weed for me. It worked to an extent but it can't do the job on its own. Its amazing that I have as severe of a case of bipolar and was able to make it for quite a while only taking a low dose benzo for anxiety and smoking a half a gram a day or so of pot. No crazy meds needed.

Chemical lobotomy here I come! At this point I welcome one. Peace out bluelight. I've got to figure out whether I'm happy, sad, or pissed the fuck off.

Edit: Oh and best of all even though I still like to smoke pot and drink on the meds I pretty much can't. Once I have taken a Seroquel I'm good for maybe 3 beers and then I better have my ass in bed.

I am most likely going to have to go AWOL from Bluelight for a bit.

I am quitting smoking as of today and doing everything I can for my health. I am in good health but I am still quite concerned for my well being.

I also have a great deal of things I need to handle in my personal life and that must come first.

I will check in from time to time, but my main concern is my health, doing right by other people, and not causing any harm to myself or anyone else.

I am placing my faith and life in the hands of God and am doing everything in my power to make amends to society and my friends, family, and the human race.

I am sure I will be alright. I have a long road ahead of me and its not going to be easy. I am not exactly worried because I know what I have to do.

I will be OK.

God bless all of you and I pray for everyone's happiness, health, wealth, and well being.

Most sincerely,

Dopemaster

after 1 years,I smoked rock again the other week.
it was my internal driver,my "dark passenger",that out of nowhere put me in a cab from
where I live to downtown.
it can happen.i thought I was safe with my little life in suburbia.
I was a street dope fiend for 10 years.
I changed,became a father,moved as far away from the drug scene as possible.
I have a normal life.I smoke weed,but nothing illegal.
now suddenly I have this huge unrest in in my life.
this secret.(my wife appreciates the weed).
I CAN NOT go down the crack route.
I rearranged my life to never smoke crack again.
I see my kid a lot.
I have cravings ,but not too bad.heroin was my drug,my love.
it was after the subs I found crack.
i hate crack.
my mind is chaos.
thanx those who read.

In my mind, as I wonder by,
I think, re-think, then over-think and give a frustrated sigh,
Inside my mind, so many thoughts,
As I try and count up the numbers, I find myself still in the noughts,

So many issues, somehow all related,
Yet I sit here, powerless and frustrated,
As time goes by, quite an age,
I know, as hard as I try, I'm not on the same page,

Over and over, one tries to do what's best,
Getting overwhelmed not letting things rest,
One tries to so much to give,
Thought what is highlighted is the negative

As I sit here, let the mind wonder, why oh why,
Out comes yet another frustrated sigh
Inside, traveling oh but many miles,
Unnoticed, and unappreciated, one does not recognise any smiles

So many thoughts, over and over in the mind,
Wondering what would happen is one can press rewind,
As inside, far and wide, the mind continues to wonder by,
Asking endless questions; why oh why

Evey - 23/02/2014

I haven't played in a couple of months or so. I injured my thumb a while ago trying to get my car out one day for work awhile back, after there was a lot of snow, and this made videogames very painful to play, and one like Halo, where fast movements are made and the left thumb is frequently clicking the left thumbstick in to run, excruciatingly painful. So I took a break from all games for awhile, then only played GTA 5, as it allows some relaxed play. Finally, my thumb is above 90% I'd say, and it's safe to play Halo, so I did.

The game loads up. I enter multiplayer, and see the list of players I am with, as the game is loading me in. I first see the letters "DEVL", as it seems placed where I would look first, at the beginning of the list, or something. DEVL is the callsign (what is shown above the head, making it easier to call out to people mid battle, shorter than full names) of HG Devilicious- a player on my team, and when I am entered into the game, I realize it is well in-process... That I am being thrown into one, and not started fresh. It starts me off spectating DEVL, as he is launched from the base from some kind of player-launching thing I can't remember the name of. I make a connection. It's been so long since I played Halo. My name is Prisoner of God, on XBOX Live (though allcaps). I struggle with knowing, or not knowing, what is going on. And I have synchronicity in life, that I don't quite know the full "meaning" of. I don't always notice it, or incorporate and focus on everything... I believe some "random" or at least unseen, is necessary. But when I play these games, I often see order in the names, it seems. And numbers.

What does it "mean" that I saw DEVL to start, as I did? I don't know. I just took it to heart.

"Am I the devil? Am I God? Am I an angel?". "Am I dead?". I'm not sure that they are exactly exclusive.

But it threw me in, and I ended up getting a killing frenzy, where I kill 10 players without dying. I killed more, and finally did die. So it's kind of like the break didn't hurt me. I came back as one of the top players. At the game's end, I had the highest score on my team, with 370 points. Coming out on top made me feel good, having entered when they were over a quarter of the way through it seemed, and all the time off.

DEVL was the lowest scorer, on my team. He got a negative 14 kill/death spread. We lost by one kill, and I was this close to killing the guy on their team who seemingly got the last kill. They were right next to me.

Our team was red, and theirs was blue.

I struggled not to make sense of it/to make sense of it. There was more, but I don't want to get too complicated.

The top killer on my team had 23 kills. This came on the 23rd, which was my first day back, and 23 is a special number to me... Not that one two and three aren't, and 45, but I have noticed 23 in a certain way, and I don't think I paid much attention to numbers, before I did.

My kills were at 21, but my assists and other awards pushed me higher.

The devil brought us down.

(Devil had his clan-mates with him on our team, and they were HG VirulentFang [FANG], and HG Monk of Zion [MONK]- the only one in his clan in this game with a positive K/D spread. The top scorer on the other team had the callsign DEAD, and his name- TZK Fighter. Lowest scorer was Countrystyle00, callsign ZERK...)

Not worth it.

Jesus
built my car.
it's a love affair...



Ministry - Jesus Built My Hotrod

soon i discovered that this rock thing was true
jerry lee lewis was the devil
jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet
all of a sudden, i found myself in love with the world
so there was only one thing that i could do
was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long

ding dang a dong bong bing bong
ticky ticky thought of a gun
everytime i try to do it all now baby
am i on the run
why why why why why baby
if it's so evil then?
give me my time, with all my power
give it to me all again (wow)
ding a ding a dang a dong dong ding dong
every where i go

everytime you tell me baby
when i settle down
got to get me a trailer park
and hold my world around
why why why why?

ding ding donga dong dong ding dong
dingy dingy son of a gun
half my time i tell you baby
never am I all for sure
why why why why why baby
sicky sicky from within
everytime I stick my finger on in ya
you're a wild wild little town bitch
now how 'bout ding a dang dong dong dong ling long
dingy a dingy dong a down

everytime you tell me baby
when i settle down
got to get me a trailer park
and hold my world around
why why why why?

in my dang a ding a ding a ding dong
a sticky sticky son of a gun
ding a danga danga dong dong ding dong
why why never know
why why wack a dong a dang ding dong
then you take it on the bill
ding dang dong don't dong
whoa!

i wanna love ya!

why why why, why why darling
do you do you tell me to play?
half the time I talk about it all now baby
you know what I'm talkin' about I said
why why why it'll
ticky ticky ticky ticky
son of a gun
ding ding dong a bong bong bing bong
ticky ticky thought of a gun

bing bing bang a bang a bang bing bong bing a bing bang a bong
binga bing a bang a bong bong bing bong bing banga bong

bing bing bang a bong bong bing bing binga binga banga bong
bing bing bang a bang bang bing bong

aarrrhhhh...

ding dang a dang bong bing bong
ticky ticky thought of a gun
everytime I try to do it all now baby
am I on the run
why why why
it'll ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky
dawn of a gun
bing bing bang a bong a bong bing bang a
ticky ticky thought of a gun
bing bip bip a bop bop boom bam
ticky ticky through the day

if you got a doubt 'bout baby
the memory is on the bed
why why why why why
darlin' uh it don't know
when my time is on
might tell me never do it on his own
if my time was all as is yours
make me burn a wish
when my time with you is brutish
no I'll never not ever

why why why why why why baby heavy hell
alone and it's here it's this thunder
the thunder oh thunder
oh!

jesus built my car
it's a love affair
mainly jesus and my hot rod

yeah, fuck it!

This morning, I found a lost kitten in the garden. It was wandering around in the snow crying. It trotted up to me when it saw me. It was gray with gray stripes that are hard to see. It had blue eyes. It looked very much like my girl friends parents' lost cat -- they had lost one while traveling here to visit about 2 years ago. Their gray cat was small, about the size of a half grown cat, the same size as this cat. Their gray escaped from their car while they were stopped at a gas station in northern California about 600 miles away.

I thought it was possible that it could have found its way back here. So, not knowing what to do, I left it outside and went in and told my gf about it -- she was still in bed. Hey Aelys, your parents' cat found its way home (it had lived here for 1 summer 2 years ago.

My gf is a sucker for small animals. She has rescued puppies, kittens, and recently, baby squirrels. About an hour later, gf crawled out of bed and went into the garden to see if it was still there. It was. As soon as she picked it up, it started purring with that loud buzzing that kittens make. She instantly fell in love with it and brought it into the house and gave it a plate of food. She checked it, but it wasn't her parents' cat. Their's was a female -- this was a male. I hadn't bothered to look. She's already got a cat, and I told her somebody is missing it. It has a collar, after all. No name or address, just a collar. She has now put up "LOST KITTEN" flyers all over the neighborhood.

Anyway, she has already named him Walter. He's extremely gassy and emits a bad smell every few minutes. You can't even touch without making him fart. I didn't realize a cat could stink like that. What's he been eating? I call him Farting Walter. I hope somebody claims him soon.

So am feeling pretty proud of myself.... I just finished reading tina fey's memoirs "Bossypants" after I finished reading Chelsea Handler's book "My Horizontal Life" - yep I read two whole books in the last month!!! I know pretty f-ing impressive right? Okay, I know in my heart of hearts that this is not an achievement which is on par with winning a gold medal at the Sochi Olympics however it is a personal achievement for me as I feel I am becoming a person again slowly but surely I am at times regaining my identity or at other times I am finding my identity. (to put this in a bit more context I used to be an avid reader then I got all messed up in the head from drugs and alcohol and stopped reading, I then eventually got pregnant and while I was no longer doing drugs/alcohol my hormones were making me crazy and retarded and reading a book that wasn't about pregnancy was a bit out of my ability level in that period of time, next I had a baby (this typically results from pregnancy) and because of said baby I wasn't reading a lot..... so the long in short of it is I am finally reading books again!!!!) I have also taken to reading these books aloud to my son while he plays (he is 10 months now and has no clue that what I am reading him is not in fact an excerpt from "Goodnight Moon").
Basically my brain is working again! Finally!
In other news I also really stepped outside the box by working as a volunteer naturalist and leading 5th grade snow shoe hikes. Say what? I know right? Completely out of my comfort zone. And.... it went pretty well and I am pretty proud of myself!
Also in the last month I got to have 1 night out which was pretty cool and I also travelled with my mom and the baby to Washington state to sight see and see family (if you are ever in seattle the underground tour is a must!).
Finally, it has become clear that the phd programs have indeed passed me over for other applicants with far more interesting resumes (presumably as mine was somewhat unimpressive). Its a good thing that Adams State has a couple rad masters programs cuz otherwise I would be in deep S-H-I-T trying to figure out where I fit in in this world! At Adams I am torn between their school counseling masters program and their exercise science masters....... tough choices tough choices we shall see

I'm sorry.
I just fell in love with you.
I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop it..
and neither could you.
I'd take it all back if I could..all of it..
and I told you so a million times.
I tried to leave so many times because
I knew how it hurt you..waiting.
and how I'd hurt you because I was so scared.
but you wouldn't let me go..you promised never to let me go.
you always knew better.
I complicated everything out of fear..
just like you always said.
I never wanted to hurt anyone..
much less the only good in the world.
it was real. my love. so real..
I wish you'd have asked me what was true instead of believing
someone who beat me weeks before and you blamed me for it.
if I were your friends I'd probably hate me too..
but they don't know the truth.
I'm sorry, my love. so sorry.
i'll never stop missing you..
I wish you'd known the truth.
I wish I'd fought harder.
I miss you so and always will.

I have never read of him as directly associated with Mars, and some people say that Jesus is actually Zeus- the name is Zeus- a form of. That it is an adapted story. This may be the case.

But Jesus said he does not come to bring peace, but a sword. Mars known as a "God of War".

Names beginning with Mar are commonly theorized to have roots with Mars.

Jesus's mother was Mary. He is closest, among his followers, to Mary Magdalene. He loves her more than the others, it's been said.

There are three Marys at the tomb. All four gospels mention three women at the tomb, but only Mark mentions the three in this tradition as bearing the name Mary. The three Marys mentioned at the tomb in Mark were

Mary Magdalene
Mary Mother of James
Mary Salome

From what I read, more, I am confused. There seem to be other Marys mentioned in the "three Marys" entry, in wikipedia. There is Mary Jacobe. But Jacob and James are the same name, basically- the same rooting. It also says "confusion exists between Maria Salome, Maria Jacobe, Maria Cleophas, and even Maria Betania".

Three Marys were present at the crucifixion, and these were

Mary (mother of Jesus)
Mary Magdalene
Mary, the wife of Cleopas

Also there were Mary mother of Jesus's two sisters, also both named Mary, who were mentioned in the Bible, and the three of them are also called "The Three Marys", as the others are referred as well. In one tradition, they are the ones who visited the tomb of Jesus.

He's been depicteded to have worn a red robe, as they clothed him "like a king" for his crucifixion.. Mary Magadalene's hair has often been depicted as red, as was the hair of the one who turned him in, Judas.

My ex has the name Marilyn Marie Duellman. She introduced me to The Mars Volta, and Arcade Fire. These were the first groups we listened to, by her, that I remember, and she would blast the former so loudly, that I struggled to enjoy it. I met her by way of Mark Kulkin, a Jew, who I met on Bluelight. Her older brother is named Mark (younger, Paul). She gave me a Marx Brother's shirt, that was her father's. Her hair color is red. She was the first girl with that color of hair that I dated.

After her, I saw that my exes who I was serious with had names that when aligned could spell MASK. The first movie we saw together had a guy that wore a mask in it (Vanilla Sky), the first night we met, on the birthday of the the next girl- also who had red hair, that I would meet and fall in love with, who was born on 5/30/1984, the day of an annular (ring) solar eclipse. The first sighting occurred in a city called Sunshine, per a video news recording I found of the event, which can be found in the link below:

http://youtu.be/niTQrfLdVFY

Her name is Donna. She named herself "Lovely Sunshine" on her facebook profile.

Swag.

I try to make it Crystal. Kristal. I try.



I met Donna 888 days after Marilyn and I ended.
I met Donna 161 weeks after Marilyn gave me a watch, for Christmas.
I was born after 161 days passed in the year. 203 days remained in the year.
After Donna, 203 weeks remained until 12/21/2012, when I was paid 1221.52 dollars- the highest amount that I have yet been paid. Donna's last name is Price. Yea, I thought I was Jesus Christ.
Gonna mark us right.



The first girl with red hair that I crushed on was named Sarah Million. Her family moved to my town when we were in the 8th grade. Her dad was a minister at a church that was the closest church to me. We had choir together. I almost began to date her as a senior in high school, around Christmas, but something got confused and I began dating her friend Christi.

The first girl I got naked was Christina Alexander, at age 6 or so- my next door neighbor. She moved away at some point and later came back, moving one more house down- an all red brick "fortress", in contrast with the design of just about every other house in the neighborhood, and she now went by her middle name, Marie.

My first girlfriend was Kristin Miller. She asked me out in the 4th grade, when we were both involved in a project called Marsville, in Young Astronauts, that we eventually collaborated with other schools, making the larger Marsville colony. I was drafted to finish the design of the cock-pit for the space-craft, though I wasn't an original member. That was the first time I held hands with a girl, like we did, and it happened inside the habitat that had been built. Everything was red. Then her best friend, Cassie Coldren, asked me out, and I said yes to her, as well. They confronted me while I was in the middle of a game where I dodged a red ball, telling me I couldn't have both of them, so I chose neither of them.

I have a friend named Mario Lewis. He's the only one that became an architect. And only "Mar" friend. Lewis means Fame+War. He and I did war, quite a bit, and I always won, in just about everything that I remember. But he is really good at building stuff (and he'd often burn it after). [Marilyn was also studying architecture, so my two close mates male and female with Mars in their names studied or went on to be architects/designers. They both now live in New York/Brooklyn]

The next girls I was with were Jessica and Jessica. I was in the 7th grade at this point. Jessica 1 (Irrgang) was Mario's crush. I simply didn't care. All is fair in love and war, right? She liked me. She was hot. He had loved her for two years at that point. She laid eyes on me, and liked me. She was 8th grade. But we only went out for a week or two, before my shyness made her break up with me- I never talked. ...I'm not good or wasn't good at talking with others around us constantly, and people always seemed to listen/want to be involved in what words came out of my mouth. It was hard to focus. I was shy. And at that age you don't get a lot of privacy.

Jessica 2 (Lawson) was next. We went out for a couple weeks or three. She asked me out, as well, and was also in the 8th grade- also older. She spoke about her experience with speed, saying she would never take it again, and that was my first time hearing of someone's drug experience. She also broke up with me after I just didn't see it going anywhere, and didn't try to get closer/didn't see much of a way, at that age.

Both Jessicas and Kristin and Cassie before them all had blond hair and blue eyes, just as I remember.

Then also when I was in the 7th grade, there was Maria, and she was then the longest I was tied to a girl, at that point. She was a year older as well, and approached me first, as well. I can't say how long we were "boyfriend/girlfriend", but I avoided her, for months it seemed. I just couldn't break up with her, because it was awkward. She was extremely shy- so much so it was awkward. I was shy, too, but tried to talk to her, at first. I think her eyes were blue, maybe, but her hair was brown. Eventually I got her to break up with me, by ignoring her long enough.

My first car was a rebuild, by Jessica 1's father. While it was being finished, I had her mother as a sub for English, as my teacher was having a baby.

I lost my virginity from a girl I met at Chase Martin's house, but I forget her name. She was from West Virginia. My freshman year of college. Chase's father held a high position at a Ford Dealership in Evansville, Indiana, and Chase's roommate was Alex Evans, who was the second guy I friended at school, after Christopher Michael White.

The next clear connection I had with the first girl, Kristin Miller, besides infrequent intermingling as we went to the same schools through high school and shared some friends, was through my friend(s) Chase Creech and Erica Templeton having a child together, who was born on my birthday, June 11th, which I found was also Kristin's birthday. Chase had given me a harmonica before he got with Erica, after we went to a strip club together.

In an act of pure humanitarianism, "Maine Gov. Paul LePage (R) appears set to oppose a bill increasing access to a lifesaving anti-overdose medication because of concerns rejected by public health experts that it could encourage more drug abuse."

I can only assume that this man is a saint, actually he must be more like the messiah, because he clearly has the authority to judge people's personal behavior, and sentence them to death. I was raised in a very religious household and went to church every Sunday. But I'm having a hard time remembering when and where the Savior says that you deserve death if you take drugs. Does he include alcohol among those drugs? I guess religion is really changing these days. Which brings me to another point, you never hear about churches taking this position. Only hard-headed, self-entitled, narcissistic assholes have the gumption to make statements like this. As a self-appointed messiah, I assume he must be perfect, or else what right would he have to be the judge, jury and executioner of millions of people, especially in his own home state where heroin overdose is on the rise. I'd like to examine his skeleton closet before I let him put me on trial.

The article goes on to state...

"Fatal heroin overdoses in Maine quadrupled from 2011 to 2012. Naloxone is a drug that can reverse overdoses from heroin and other opioids like morphine. State Rep. Sara Gideon (D) is sponsoring legislation that would place the drug, which is sold under the trade name Narcan, in the hands of police, firefighters, at-risk users and their families.

Gideon said that ahead of a scheduled Wednesday hearing, the governor's chief health policy adviser, Holly Lusk, told her LePage would oppose the bill in its entirety.

"His main objection is his belief -- and I have to emphasize 'his belief' because there is no evidence that supports this at all -- his belief that increasing the availability of Narcan or naloxone will lead the drug user or drug abuser to have this feeling of invincibility," Gideon said."

Invincibility? Why didn't I think of that. Now I can go slam way too much heroin, suffer an incredibly painful, scarey, life-threatening overdose, and still come out okay? Bring it on! Fuck, I don't care if I have to have to have a needle jammed in my heart, recover in a hospital for days and almost die! Whatever. I'll be okay. Sky's the limit baby, I'm invincible! This guys a genius. Now were is that 4 gram ball of black tar? I'm all alone and can't think of anything better to do. Oh right, I'm all alone. Who would even be there to administer the drug for me? Shit. I guess I'm not invincible after all.

The Needle Exchange program near my house offers Over Dose prevention training that comes with two prescriptions for Naloxone. Since I live with another user, it's an incredibly useful thing to keep around, in case of those extreme emergencies. But heroin does not cloud the brain enough for me to think that this is in anyway fool-proof. No matter what society thinks about heroin addicts, we're not all idiots. My boyfriend and I are both active, productive member of society who support our habit with regular jobs (well I'm a freelance writer, so not regular, but I have a steady income). I'm sure the governor wouldn't have any idea if they met either of us. And I'm sure none of my friends or family think I deserve to die.

It reminds me of a state senator down in the south (or it could have been a House member) who started the "Smoke Pot, Lose a Limb" campaign. He tried to get a bill passed that would sentence pot smokers to an amputation, if convicted. My jaw hit the floor when I read that. I wish I could find the article I read. If I can find it, I'll post it. Luckily the bill was not met with the support he desired.

For the rest of the article on Gov. Lepage, click here...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/11/paul-lepage-drug-overdose_n_4770196.html

When I think, my thoughts go to reminiscing pretty quickly. I have to admit, even though I feel like I'm on the cusp of a new life, I just think back all the time, to being a kid, man. That was the shit. Fuck this other shit, fucking people over, trying to gain money, land, wealth, power - I don't much care for it.

But, then again, I want to 'make' something of myself. I mean, I suppose I do.

Then I think ahead, to what I could do and what I could have, and it doesn't seem to be very meaningful. I remember when I was 10 or so very vividly, that I thought I would just be the shit when I got, say, 20 or 30 years down the road.

I guess I could still be that way to other people, but, now, I don't know, it just seems like the same shit is going to keep happening whatever the case, and then my parents will die and I'll just be left with the rest of the family that is still going on and kicking.

And simultaneously, I'm just thinking, and writing, then going back to thinking, reminiscing while trying to predict and realizing I really don't know nor care what's up, sometimes. But, having that thought, and thinking about it, you could say that I care so much that I don't want to admit it. I do just want to wake up, but into another dream, again? That would suck, I want to get it over with now, not suicide, obviously, but just the what's up part about all of this.

Lol, this is my first blog post. I smoke pot now and then but that's about it. I'm just talking about life in general. Peace out.

Been a while since I did this. I have been away from technology for a few days now, I've missed it.

Nothing much happened until Friday, walked to ethans but on the way stopped to find out there was £60 sitting in his account and picked up a gram from his. We sold some stuff to CEX and got some more money. At this point went and met Peter, Chris, Annelise and Steven. We smoked and fumbled around in town, got a really nice subway later in the night after meeting a few dealers and a few people, Alissa and Kaliey and Connar met us.

The next few days get a little hazy as me writing this is the first time I have been sober since. We went to Annelise's Dads and I stayed there for a while with Ethan, Peter Annelise Alissa and Chris. We were smoking more expensive stuff but as soon as me and Ethan left for mine (A little bit disappointed we didn't stay but we were asked why we didn't the next day.) I became ecstatic, jumping around and dancing all the way back to my Dad's flat. We made a tonne of food and ordered a XL pizza at 1 in the morning. I dozed off on the couch a bit and we went to bed at like half 4.

Next day... not sure, lots of walking, I think to Ethans, then to KFC, then to Ethans then to town to meet some people... Cant remember who specifically, but that day we went back to my flat via bus, about 14 of us, me drunk, and very high, and Alexander was waiting for us... With his mother... He had phoned my mother, and Ethans... I hate that kid sometimes, he really doesnt belong out on the street; as much as I like him.

I played the next bit pretty well. Mother arrived, told her me and Ethan had come back to pick up Alexander and we wouldn't THINK of staying at the flat over night and we were only here for him, in the same way we weren't at the flat last night, we were at Ethans (Hohoho). The only reason this worked is my mother doesn't know where my dads flat is. Everyone else was just sitting in a park round from the flats. When Alexanders mother and mine left I went back to find people had let themselves into the flat... A little annoyed I ran in, they were just sitting on the couch no harm done.

So 14 of us sitting in a flat, narrowly still allowed there as no-one thought we were staying there. There was a general worry either my Mother, Father or Alexander's Mum would come and see us there... It was a good night. They (We...) convinced Alexander to buy drink, when they were out Me Ethan, Kaylie, Annelise and Alissa sat in the flat chilling, it was really fun throwing a ball around and that. When they got back there was a little bit of time where it was just a standard party, but kinda shit.

Then everyone apart from Me, Kaylie, Annelise, Alissa and Chris were sitting in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka, unopened. This was when I started to enjoy myself, instead of being a little awkward this went really well, everyone was having a good time. Me and Chris were mixing bogging drinks for them, I was pretty pissed after 5/6 shots in total being a bit of a light weight and started some light teasing, which is only me when I'm drunk, most of the time I am pretty passive. We found out lime juice eliminates the taste of vodka after pouring some into a bottle of lime, me and Chris finished that. Kaylie went to bed with Connar and me Chris and Alissa went to my room. Alissa and Chris had been fooling around a bit for a while but I felt pretty bulletproof so was sort of trying with Alissa but in a nice way. Being a somewhat considerate person I noted she was under a lot of pressure from Chris so wasn't invading in any way, just displaying some vague interest. I got a nice sleep which I needed. Nothing happened but I had my hand on Alissa's thigh for a while, not that she minded at all but I don't think it was exactly appropriate given the situation.

The morning after was nice. I tidied up a bit everyone was in a more or less good more, I was pretty content.

Now this day is really blurry. I remember phoning my mum and her knowing I was in the flat, she was threatening with social work and police. not that I paid much attention. Then walking to town, after acquiring some food from tesco. Me, Ethan, Alexander and Annelise walked to her flat to to get some useless stuff, I think we more went as the rest of them were going through the usual process of stealing ps4 and xBox one games and selling them, It was an easy £300 pound. I had eathen a big stem earlier that day, so for some really weird reason I was high as hell, but really scared about life for some reason, Alexander had been drinking all day so he was pissed. Idiot... I remember feeling pretty shitty and getting a hug off Annelise, put me in a better headspace. We walked back just in time to meet my Mum, the chore didnt go so we had no money apart from Alexander.

Me being a manipulative little shit convinced my steaming mad mother that its not important I was playing my parents against eachother and that all these people should come back to the house tonight to soberly watch some movies... We then had 20 minutes before she wanted to leave to somehow acquire smoke in the middle of town with my mother next to me... We spoke to some people on the street they knew, eventually we got a hook up half an hour away. Ethan and Alex went back to my mothers with her, who would come to pick us up later. Annelise had a train to get back to Nairn, and Kaylie was still in work. Me and Chris and Annelise found the 2 of them.

There is now an hour or two of me and Chris meeting and loosing people, while Connar and Peter go pick up the smoke. After loosing and finding and leaving everyone 4/5 diffrent times we eventually got a lift down to Croachy. Kaylie and Alissa had to work the next morning so they got a lift back into town at around 11. We smoked a lot of weed in the boiler house before they left and I think after, watched a lot of movies, and I crashed in my bed. Woke up and sorted some stuff out, missed out the first joint intentionally then took some of the second.

Then things got VERY bad. My dad arrived, the door wasn't bolted (It's got bolts on the door just for him...) and he smashed the house up a bit, took some stuff and shouted at me for "trashing" the flat. I knew it wasn't that bad at all. To give comparison he described the place with "curtains ripped off the rails" when one person had held onto one and it had fallen off... Would of taken a minute or so to put back on... My mother had phoned the police who arrived, said very little to us about anything, were actually sort of friendly. They left, then a few hours later everyone was driven back in. I didn't need to come so didn't. Cleaned up a little and unpacked the Xbox that had arrived today. Then had a nice big roast and wrote this.

This is pretty messy, I have probably got lots of words mixed up, spelt peoples names in different ways every time and missed out fundamentalist over the last few days, but alas at least I bothered to write all this up wasn't easy...

or God. I don't know. Older/elder Black gentleman. I saw him in Lowes, and I stepped to the side to let him pass as we were heading toward one another, as it also worked out for me to step that way- it's where I was going, to a cart full of plants that were on clearance. We just happened to intersect. He said "Thank you! You stopped the snow and brought the sun out!".

This was a little confusing for me. I told him I did not, smiling. I don't think he knew he just gave a guy with a God complex more fuel. Haha. I returned it back to him, saying thank you to him, implying, for doing the same.

It might have been my hat.

I feel like it's spiralling out of control & worries me greatly. I'm too sarcastic to take my problems seriously until it all blows up in my mind. When days blur into weeks into months, I know I have a problem. I don't want to keep this up.

Hahahaha. This movie Showgirls is so lame. Sorry, I was getting ready to type something else, but its on TV and I got distracted by Jessie Spannow from saved by the bell prancing around in a sparkley gold tunic while making these ridiculous faces attempting to dance. God, this is terrible. The acting is completely laughable. Not that I'm a movie critic or even remotely interested in plays or those theatre types. I just spent way too much time typing about that.

I should go to bed.

Bad choices get high
nod out no pride
hurt people tell lies
gazing at the skies
tears flowing from eyes

not a cat but 9 lives
everyone of us dies
finished with this phony guise
screwed up what i can’t devise
shown myself with no disguise
i must admit i’ve gotten wise

no longer stuck in my demise
maybe self esteem will rise
life is always a surprise
but i’ve been taught not to surmise
so for my effort whats my prize?
A heaping pile o’ SHIT n FLIES.