Entertaining fantasy.
Who will I marry?
I replace their last name with my last name (but, in later life- now, I would rather them keep their names, but hyphenate, I think).
Zena's would become 209, one way with Thomas, if calculated full (Z=26).
On the side of friends, I wanted RoboCop to be friends with ED-209, and take on evil. But in the movies, RoboCop beats the ED-209.
So I guess, I beat that desire, perhaps.
Then there is Melissa, who I started to see around the same time as 23 (Grey's number ends in 2323, as one to put here), and where pain set in, this time. Melissa Michele Maple. With Thomas, replacing Maple, one sum is 209, corresponding with the same method used, for Zena's. The first connection I have to her- Melissa, known, personally, besides my dad being taught dancing by her grandfather, is her cousin, Paige. Paige who I danced with- the first one I remember. Probably ever. Paige, who resonates with "page", where books are written, and Melissa, her cousin, who I met in speech, whose future husband/ex husband threatened to tell my mother about all the "dirty things Melissa and I did", in a letter, given to her in church.
I don't really know. I know I need to love her, too. And back then, I just took advantage of the situation. Not that I did it lovelessly, but I did it recklessly. She wanted me to be with her. She wanted me to rescue her, from this abusive fuck, Nelson Rose, who captured her when she was 12, and he was 18-19, and nobody ever stepped in to help. She wasn't strong enough yet to stand on her own. I wasn't ready to give my heart to someone else.
Her son is named Israel.
I may try to help her. I'm just afraid I'll try to fuck her, and it won't work out. So I stay away, or have. But I just offered her a place to stay, the other night... Because she lives at home with her parents, and is stuck in a hole. She needs to get away from those around her. She needs positive support. She needs a job, to stand on her own. I don't want to "take care of her", because I don't trust myself, to do so. I fail a lot. And God uses that failure. Plus, honestly, I'm not sure I want her like that. But that wouldn't stop me from having sex with her, and then I don't know what.
Melissa is associated with Honey, or Honey-bee/drop of Honey. Maple is also associated with sweetness. Michelle... Michael. Who is like God. Zena's hair can be like fire, honey, blood, or gold, or copper, or iron... I liked how her father seemed to use a lot of that color (the orange), even before she was born. When I noticed he had a daughter, and seeing her, in a way it was like magic. It was one of the first real instances I could say I cocked my head, consciously, questioning something, like that. Like she was a manifestation of something, being manifested.
Irregardless of me, these people are special. And my "reality"- my world, is not the only one. But they connect through me, it seems.
Who will I marry?
I replace their last name with my last name (but, in later life- now, I would rather them keep their names, but hyphenate, I think).
Zena's would become 209, one way with Thomas, if calculated full (Z=26).
On the side of friends, I wanted RoboCop to be friends with ED-209, and take on evil. But in the movies, RoboCop beats the ED-209.
So I guess, I beat that desire, perhaps.
Then there is Melissa, who I started to see around the same time as 23 (Grey's number ends in 2323, as one to put here), and where pain set in, this time. Melissa Michele Maple. With Thomas, replacing Maple, one sum is 209, corresponding with the same method used, for Zena's. The first connection I have to her- Melissa, known, personally, besides my dad being taught dancing by her grandfather, is her cousin, Paige. Paige who I danced with- the first one I remember. Probably ever. Paige, who resonates with "page", where books are written, and Melissa, her cousin, who I met in speech, whose future husband/ex husband threatened to tell my mother about all the "dirty things Melissa and I did", in a letter, given to her in church.
I don't really know. I know I need to love her, too. And back then, I just took advantage of the situation. Not that I did it lovelessly, but I did it recklessly. She wanted me to be with her. She wanted me to rescue her, from this abusive fuck, Nelson Rose, who captured her when she was 12, and he was 18-19, and nobody ever stepped in to help. She wasn't strong enough yet to stand on her own. I wasn't ready to give my heart to someone else.
Her son is named Israel.
I may try to help her. I'm just afraid I'll try to fuck her, and it won't work out. So I stay away, or have. But I just offered her a place to stay, the other night... Because she lives at home with her parents, and is stuck in a hole. She needs to get away from those around her. She needs positive support. She needs a job, to stand on her own. I don't want to "take care of her", because I don't trust myself, to do so. I fail a lot. And God uses that failure. Plus, honestly, I'm not sure I want her like that. But that wouldn't stop me from having sex with her, and then I don't know what.
Melissa is associated with Honey, or Honey-bee/drop of Honey. Maple is also associated with sweetness. Michelle... Michael. Who is like God. Zena's hair can be like fire, honey, blood, or gold, or copper, or iron... I liked how her father seemed to use a lot of that color (the orange), even before she was born. When I noticed he had a daughter, and seeing her, in a way it was like magic. It was one of the first real instances I could say I cocked my head, consciously, questioning something, like that. Like she was a manifestation of something, being manifested.
Irregardless of me, these people are special. And my "reality"- my world, is not the only one. But they connect through me, it seems.