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So long story short. I am off opiates.

It is something that had to happen for a lot of reasons. I definitely crossed the line and did too much. The pills where causing me more pain than they relieved.

The bottom line is it will kill me if I keep doing it. I am in good health and all, but the way opiates interact with me make me do things I am not so proud of.

I guess its time to man up. I might start treating people better. I can be really passive aggressive and manipulative. Most people are too dumb to pick up on the fact that I am playing them.

I used to be a gentleman and have a lot of friends. I don't think I will get my old friends back and I don't want them. I want to make a clean start of things.

I will enroll in school and finish my degree. I should have finished years ago. I only have one more year.

This whole thing will give me a chance to return to weightlifting, sports, and exercise. I forgot how much I used to actually respect my body.

I don't really look at getting clean as painful as I know the results and well I don't have to worry about so many things I normally would. If I live more proper I won't get in any trouble.

I can date normal chicks and maybe not cheat on them like an asshole. I dunno what made me the way I am where I have no regard for other peoples needs, feelings, or wants. I probably just cared about what I needed or thought I did.

There is no reason I cannot drink and whatnot as before the opiates I never had problems. So I see the problem clear as day now. I could go on, but yeah I can feel my mind and body returning to normal.

Obviously it hasn't been easy and I ran the gauntlet of getting sick. (sick to stomach, triple flue, leg cramps, you all know the deal with kicking off) I made a relatively clean break fast and it hurt. I have hurt worse before, but as always the fear of wd's can be just as bad as them. The suffering was worth it and its the only way off, at least for me.

This is the second time I have had a spontaneous urge to become productive late at night. Cleaned my desk, set my revision books out and started thinking about study leave so decided I should check back in here as part of my routine. Planning buying a heap of weed for study leave and just sitting it out and smoking and revising the whole time.

I've also been thinking a little bit about why I do this. There are a few reasons:

First I forget the good times If I don't.

Good times sort of drift away and I forget I even had them If I dont write them down. This is a good way of remembering it all


There are a million things that happen every day, If I cant remember them all I will remember some of them

Every day we have thousands of thought processes and perceptions. Capturing them all is very hard/ Impossible. At least If I write a few of them down Its better than none.

Its good to practise punctuality.

Most of the detailed things I write in this are written while coming down and with a hangover, but at least it is more or less grammatically and punctuality correct.

I'm fucking smart.

The other day I realised I am capable of having a completely normal conversation and intellectually match a educated 40 year old the day after smoking and drinking with my delinquent friends, most/all of which are on benefits. Dont want to lose either side and writing this keeps me smart... In a way...

I should probably write about my day, if there was anything to write about. Me and Elvin are planning quite a big OP.

We were all laying down together in one of the units. Side by side. I was holding hands with the girl to my right. I had developed with her, communicating recently. She was blond, and about a head or so shorter than me. Her breasts were very, very large, and hanging, though still filled. Double Es or Fs or triple I don't know. It wasn't really important. She was wearing a gray tank top. We laid down and everyone followed. A girl laid next to her, wearing a patterned orange, and salmon, and ruddy red and brown and creme, dress seemingly. The girl I was with wrapped her legs, which were also slightly bigger/fatter, around my leg, which adds comfort. We intertwined. I held her hand, and also the girl next to her, momentarily, holding hands with both of there's with one of mine, and perhaps my other on the one in gray. Both of them were blonds. Another guy was next to the other, possibly, though attention was still for me. Maybe it was another girl. Another girl, I walked into this place with, my arm around her, realizing I was cupping her breast, which had been removed from her loose shirt/tank top, as I walked behind her, erection pressed up against her, which increased with the increase in her nipple's hardening. I was shielding her from others view, walking through, and myself as well from them. The decision to focus on the one finally next to me was from previous engagement, communication, and agreement, on issues, and perhaps something else I can't remember. The one I walked in with we were at odds not long before, and I was trying to stop her from searching the unit(s).

Just previously, women were tying to convince me that we needed to exit the apartment. There were active millipedes under the carpet. But once I didn't see it when they showed me the floor in my own, and a being raised up to human height from the hole she exposed, that was... "gross" on the surface of its skin. Maggot like. But its form was humanoid. Black eyes. Large, alien head. Large temporal areas. Bit lumpy, but ordered/structured. So then I understood why we needed to evacuate.

But there at the end, the girl and I decided we wanted to stay a little while longer, and we left the others, to go have sex in another room. I didn't make it to that point, before waking up. But I was extremely aroused.

I remember joining cheeks with another, and giving her a kiss near her ear. She was new. We were new to each other. So this may have been odd, but she accepted me, and seemed she would accept me further. She was also blond. May have been the other one I held hands with laying down, next to the blond in the gray shirt, with the largest breasts. But equally, very possible she wasn't, and was someone else, as I seemed to be open with affection.

The earlier parts of the dream are less clear. I drove a car and with my mind made it smaller. We were driving through this same building. I drove with my hands, but with belief, controlled our size, and things like driving on walls, controlling it like one might a trick bike. We were avoiding people trying to trouble us. One of those were later the one I walked into the room holding her right breast, hardening with it, on her, shielding her then, and using her as a shield.

A white dog was involved, earlier on. It wasn't sexual, but it was something I was afraid of at first, and then it showed me affection, on my hands. It was very intelligent, and I think I talked to one of the girls while it was around. It wasn't my dog, but became my friend/dog. I put my cheek against it's. I knew it understood me. Sven complicated thinga. The entire time I was talking to one of the blonds, and about the dog. I'm never much of a dog person, but there are some I tend to like. This one was somewhat shaggy. Larger breed.

I was letting a guy stay at my place, after I left, once. This is some of the earliest I remember. This is when I left and the girl that I walked in up against, I think, came with others to search the place... for what it was determined go be unhealthy for living in, later.

At the end those against each other laid down next to each other, in peace, in a dimly lit room. But then her and I got up to go join further. She took me by my hand. One finger, or two, as I followed.

I dreamt a Tiger was in a new living unit.

I fought it. It came from a dark place. It may have taken out my friend, or wounded him. I was kicking it desperately as I was on the ground, or weakened by exertion.

I think my friend had tried to go down on me, but as much as I could possibly enjoy anyone giving me oral sex, I tend to have an aversion of guys, and spiritually girls who I don't love (or love, some aversion sometimes) that way doing this, to completion. I feel like it is a waste. Like if I then had ONE chance to spread my seed, with the one that I wanted, I would not be as available. It's a desire to be ready, and potent.

So many don't seem to get that, or they chalk it up to religion. I call it untarnished survival instinct, that still courses through me- Thank God. My father did not beat the time record on an obstacle course in officer's training school, three times (twice his own) and pass his genes on for nothing. Not that I will, but there is always a chance I'll find someone that clicks. That is if we can verify that my genes aren't too damaged. But even still... I've learned some things about damage, and suffering. Just to remain open.

The Tiger came after this, perceived attempt to take me in his mouth. And when my friend had tried to, we were on all fours. I think I was fixing something, and he came down to me. And I almost changed my mind, to let him. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I was trying to find him to simply talk. But I feel like I was trying to find him.

I believe I may have killed the Tiger.

I was in Whole Foods. I was standing near the customer service desk. They seemed to also be a pet store of sorts, for fish, at least. There were many aquariums, with big fish, and little fish. Rows. About as big as their "Whole Body" section, and in the same spot as it in the store I go to. I stood there looking at them, and the store. The people at the customer service desk, a guy that works there was talking about animal and occult-illuminati symbolism. There was a bull near the cs desk, above it, and in my dream this represented Zeus. He went on to talk about more. I stood at a distance waiting for something, listening in.

I remember running or racing, or just wandering, and there were these giant, prehistoric looking sometimes animals that would emerge from the ground, and go back in soon after. Centipede like. Segmented. Very long. 100 feet (or more, one, maybe, or less). That one was purple-pink. I saw it around water holes. And mud. I was afraid of it. And another was about 13 feet long. Right. 13 feet. The number just came to me. It resembled some kind of.. arthropod. Trilobite family, but narrower. But I may not remember it. Though I was afraid of these things, they didn't seem to come after me. I still froze sometimes, thinking they might hunt by vibration, in part. When I first remember seeing it, though I did before, I had accidentally drank water from one of many reservoirs in a new neighborhood of newly built houses, build on fabricated/molded land, and the water tasted like a stagnant pond, like it was, so I spit it out. Then I remember seeing these large animals.

I was doing laundry. Finding particulate respirators. I get a call from my apartment complex, and as I focus on a knob on tbr machine I tell the woman I can't hear her- the music is loud, and I try to turn out down but I seem to be at the washing machine or near and find turning it down difficult, unable to find the control for it. I hear her saying that I already have "four deportations", though I have no idea shat she was talking about. I have no evictions. But it seemed to be something with not paying a debt.

Walking out of my old apartment after moving things out of it, a girl who lives downstairs asked my mom if we need help moving. I am at the top of the stairs, and my parents and brother had helped me. I'm the last one out. Still more to do but this was main, and everyone was now leaving.

The red haired girl said she could change into her sweats and help. I've talked to her once. I wrote about it so may come back with her name if I can find it.

Found it. Dierdra. Her dad is Irish.
The last time I talked to her, and first time, I wrote about it in my blog. She was listening to music then, decorating for Halloween. I asked what it was. On her Joy Division station on Pandora- she checked the song and it was Interpol- Pioneer to the falls. I posted about this. http://acausal.net/blogarchive/2013/10/12/another-red/

Then I took down the original blog, which I had worked on for 3 years, exporting first to a file. Then I tried to resurrect it but it didn't work how I wanted to. Many things were lost. I'm not exactly sure about the ordering. But I made the decision to stop after her, and wrote about it.

I have a thing with red heads.

I had red hair until I was about 2.

Here she was the last I saw in the block of 8 that I lived in, and she was involved with the last of my first blog on my site.

Today I went to Target in my sisters city, of Columbus, to pick stuff up for her daughters and our moms joint birthday celebration, and chose to be checked out by the red head I saw. She was cute. And nice. Later I went back with my dad, and got a countertop oven. I saw the redhead as we were in line, still at her register, and gazed/stared, and watched her. At one time I decided to stop staring, and turned around, and found my eyes fell naturally on another girl with red hair, walking.

I just delivered pain medication for a Mary King. I had the thought to write about the "reds" when I saw her name.

The closest and only King I know of personally is Chris King. He was our high school class president. He and Christi Starr seemed to take turns in the position.

Park next to red Saturn. Get candles at Kroger to burn up paint fumes in bathroom. Thought about getting a Redbox movie. Inside get candles. At self checkout see most attractive female to me, and settle at register on the other side, in back of her. Back to back check-outs. Nice butt. Tight stretchy pants. I notice her hair is dyed a shade of red, with yellow/blond in front. She drops two 2-liters of soda in a bag on the floor. Their colors red and orange. In front of me/beside me at another checkout I check my bias, noticing a Hispanic lady with highlights that are bordering red, with her male companion.

I greet the security guard I chat with sometimes but it has been awhile since I have been there, as I leave, and stop to talk for a moment. I see girl and she sees me. Though I won't go through with it I position myself for her, and leave, saying goodbye to the guard, and keeping her beautiful ass in view.

Get to car, remember redbox. Pull up and park half way on a curb and half way in a handicap space. It will only be a second. The space one might park in the lane while getting the movie is taken, by a girl who I notice is wearing a sweater hoodie with red hearts all over it. Maybe pink too. I just saw red. She was Black. Her car was blue.

Pulling out of the parking lot, I pull out as a red accord drives past. At my next turn, I am behind another red vehicle. And at my first attempt to get into the gates of my apartment complex, what would be my next turn, there is a red car obstructing the entrance. They don't have a key card. This isn't my entrance anymore anyways, so I pull a U-ey and a right on Harcourt and head to the one closer to my new unit, where the gate is stuck open.

edit

Friday night was meant to be staying at Zanders house with just Me Ethan and Alexander but happened to meet Peter and Chris leaving Ethans house after school. They were seshing tonight for peters Birth day on Sunday. We had to wait for Alexander at Ethans before going to meet them. When his mum got to Ethans house I hid in the bathroom so she didn't see me just to avoid any confrontation after the sesh at my Dad's flat. After she left we walked to town to meet everyone. We met Peter, Chris, Kaylie, Alissa, and Annelise and we got 5gs. 4 for Alexander to sell to his school and one was for me. We met Ji-had and had a few joints. Ji-had left and we walked to Ethans. By the time we got there I was really high. We then went to Tesco to get drink, me and Chris talked to a Tesco worker he knew while Peter brought Drink. We went back and there was a long wait while we tried to figure out where to go to sesh as we had been trying to find a place all this time. Ethan, Chris and Peter went inside the house with my weed to grind it but once I got outside I started worrying about them smoking it.

I went in and out a few times to try and get them out but we didn't want me seen around weed by Ethans parents. After a while me and Alexander sat in Peters room after having an argument with the 3 of them. We chilled in there for a bit then started worrying that they might have left the room and everyone might have left. In a panic I ran outside to see everyone was still there and they hadn't even left the room yet. After a while they came out and we smoked some more weed and started drinking. Then Connor got there. I drank like 3/4ths of a beer and gave up on it, decided to drink some harder stuff later.

The above paragraph was too complicated for me too remember so I wrote what I could. There was too much in and out for me to properly remember. Also some point before this Danielle met us, I thnink at Ethans house when we first got there.

At this point Annelise said we can go to her Dad's flat since it was his birthday. Me Ethan Danielle and Alexander walked a little ahead and waited. I was shouting and making a lot of noise being extremely high when I saw a lady walking by but didnt take notice. As she walked passed she slapped my arse and said 'got ya!' we are still not sure whether it was my Biology teacher or not but Ill find out tomorrow. I don't remember the walk but I remember Alissa, Kaylie and Connor went back to Kaylies. Once we got there the oddest part of the night began.

As we got to the top floor Annelise went to pull the key out of the letter box. It simply wasn't there. Peter had hung it up on headphones but it was too far away to reach. Not quite understanding the situation I went to reach and realised that there was not a chance we were getting in the flat. The key was never going to be reachable and it was the only key to the flat. After a while I rolled a joint and started to think about where we were sleeping that night. Me and Alexander where going to get a lift home from his Mum. She would not of been happy living way out of Inverness but it was better than having no-where to sleep. All throughout this time Danielle and Annelise were hopelessly making contraptions to try and get the key with duct tape and markers and parts of a fridge we had found. After Annelise had almost ripped Peters head off for being such a fool we actually got in. The contraption they made actually worked. After everyone's dumb ideas about climbing in the window, breaking the letter box off, breaking a hole in the cupboard by the wall and calling a locksmith we actually got in. In text this means very little, but after being convinced we were not sleeping in the flat and waiting at least half an hour trying to get in we actually made it.

Once we got in the flat things got quite nice. I think I smoked A joint, not sure but I fell asleep before everyone else. I drifted in and out of sleep over the night and finally woke up around 10:30 to see Chris rolling a joint.

He had stolen tobacco from Peter and Weed from Alexander's bag before he had gave it to him. Alexander was no-where to be found, he had simply gone and Annelises dad was also there. I got really damn drunk that morning and we decided to walk to Tesco. Its quite a big walk and nearly there I staggered into a corner shop and attempted to steal something and for the first time in my life got caught. She just told me to put it back and none of us got sold.

A little struck at the idea of getting caught stealing I started thinking about the mistakes I had made, and how it was wrong to steal from a small store in the first place. We headed to Tesco and successfully stole breakfast/lunch. I also managed to redeem myself by getting a bottle of melonade out under my hoodie, something I'm actually pound of managing. Eating, we waked back to the flat and stayed there for a while, made a few trips to the store outside the road to buy small bags of crisps. I spoke to Annelises dad quite a lot which was good but surprising and finished my drink. We then walked to Ethans where my Mother picked me up.

Again I will have missed an awful lot out due to how high I was. Glad I am still doing this blog thing. Wish I had the time and patience to add all the tiny details but writing up an account of the past is pretty boring.

I'm not annoyed or angry at the moment lol, just thought I'd try a poem on the matter. So here goes, eh?!


Inside the Mind of Annoyance

Oh I am so annoyed,
Feeling hot and pained inside,
The feeling is like looking into an endless void
Oh from my head, I wish I could sometimes hide,

Oh I am but so angry,
But no one can truly realise,
Why this is so because I am not seeing clearly
To properly explain, the anger is but a disguise

Disguised are the are the guilty feelings,
Of perceptions, of the past,
and other private things,
Hurting inside, full of sorrow and praying that the anger does not last

Although often short,
I create my own punishments my own personal wake,
Full of regret of what happens each time I'm caught,
By the frustration, the annoyance, Oh learn from it for goodness sake,

Oh I am traveling on the annoyance bus
which takes me on a hideous, unpleasant journey,
Which is simply tedious
And the last place I'd want to be,

Evey 23/02/2014

My brother said it was stupid for families to uproot and move to Colorado to seek medicinal marijuana.

He was helping me move so I didn't start much argument back. I just firmly said "No its not. Its wrong that the government tries to control the use of a plant that no man has the right to restrict another from".

Our conversation began with talk of not trusting the FDA- the FDA that approved Agent Orange, that our father- a Vietnam vet, recently got tested for exposure to. And it is confirmed he was. So he might be receiving some kind of benefit (as it turns out I may also be eligible).

So by the causal chain, it may be likely that my messed up immune system is caused by damaged genes, damaged by agent orange. I'm allergic to or sensitive to so much because our government approved the use of an untested herbicide and sprayed it everywhere just to win a military engagement. I doubt it is the only factor (chainsmoking on his part didn't help). But my brother also grew tits.

When I brought up our dads exposure as a likely reason for our unusual issues, my brother seemed to choose to not acknowledge the possibility. My family's grasp on reality puts them as equal to algae, or dying leaves in a stream. On some level relatively so am I.

We further clashed on Christianity. I won't trust fully a book that was manipulated by the Catholic Church, or anyone. I just don't trust it (And trust no person). And I reject so much. And I have that right. I'm right.

I am not religious. I will not join your club.

Edit:

New thoughts on agent orange. Though I do believe the system should be held accountable (free healthcare please, and disability if it comes to that since my illness makes find suitable work harder than for many), it doesn't make a ton of sense for me to be angry. Odds are my dad would have never met my mom had he not been forced to fight in Vietnam. He would have likely married a girl he was involved with for quite a while before, and who he let go of while overseas, to be fair to her. Someone asked her to marry, and she went to my dad, crying, wanting him to say something like stay. But he was just on leave, before going, and figured "I might die", so in fairness he held his desire and gave her his blessing. From stories he has told me, as much as I know he loves my mom, he would have been with her- the other, and I wouldn't exist in the first place. My parents are pain and suffering, along with the obvious ones.

And still, I see that my asking for "them" to be responsible is sort of like asking White people to pay Black people for their ancestors being slaves. The head that I seek is a long time ago, and dead already, or at best, on my own shoulders.

I say that it is tough for me, because of my sensitivity, and while this may be true, I could adapt, and be creative, to support myself. Nobody owes me anything, and I do not deserve anything. Life has always taken advantage of things weaker. The weak need to be. Rape, is even justified, though, I like my exploitations to be a little more subtle.

Nobody owes me anyt

I was dreading moving, because of my sensitivity to environment. I am sensitive to new paint smells, and chemicals used to clean. I felt I was moving into a worse situation than I am in. Now, I am thinking that this is untrue, and I am moving into a better place. I may still struggle with the new-ness of the unit I am moving to, just on the other side of my complex, but I think I made the right choice to stay here. I just met some of my neighbors- or one, named Devon/Devin. He was playing guitar, outside the door. I had just lit candles, to burn up the excess VOCs in the air in my apartment. I had just realized I stepped in dog poop, and tracked it on the "clean" carpet, and floor, but this didn't bother me so much- not like it used to. I can handle organic and completely natural in process "dirty" (besides mold, and I guess, lots of bacteria), but not chemical dirty. I actually thought the poop smelled good, relatively. Not that I want it on me, or in my place. It was on my shoes, so I put them in the washer there. I was getting ready to walk outside to come back to my old unit, when I heard them outside, and making music.

Outside, I met Devin/Devon, and Ashley, who actually lives near where my first apartment was/is, in this complex. She is a cute, short haired, short, platinum blond, and she was singing, while Devon was playing guitar. They were both really welcoming, and inviting me to come party with them. I wouldn't mind being around. Apparently another of our neighbors smokes things like Blue Dream, and Green Crack- strains of high grade marijuana, regularly. So now, I may have a hook-up again finally. Just throw her some money, and let her pick it up for me when she does for her self, possibly. They offered me a beer, but I declined, as I can't handle beer due to allergy/sensitivity. In this situation, I wish I could. Lubricating.

I met one of their roommates, Devon's roommates. He lives with a guy, and the girl just stays with them. I met her when I was debating on staying in that apartment, when I was testing the environment out to make sure it wasn't going to give me any lasting reactions-- The management allowed me to stay in there for an hour or so earlier in the week to see. She, this girl, I saw her calling someone, to be let in, as I was pacing around in the apartment. My window faces out that way. I saw her, and took the opportunity to come close to a viable, uh, female, and I went to open the door for her. She thanked me, and asked me if I had moved in, and I said possibly. She said "welcome". She may have had some weight in me moving, honestly. I was wearing a different hat that day. A beanie. Today, much earlier, I saw her a couple of times. I was in my car, talking on the phone, outside, and driving around in circles. I had a different hat on. When I saw her she didn't recognize me from the other day, I could tell. Devon tonight told me that she was freaked out, saying that there is a guy wearing an Indiana Jones hat driving around in circles, and parking out front. He laughed and said that he will have to let her know that I am living there- that it will make a good laugh, or story.

This hall seems to be occupied by social people. Young people. Younger than me, but within the same range. I'm not extremely social, but that is also because I am not naturally exposed. I may decide I want to hang out. If we click. I'm not expecting anything, but it's still cool to have such neighbors. Noisemakers such as this I prefer. Musicians, singers.

So I was dreading this. What was bad, so I thought, might be good for me, after all.



Devon is from a couple hours North, I think. He wants to get a job at a place called Fastenal. He quit smoking marijuana so when they drug test him, he can pass, and get on. I tried to offer him a job, or a way to one, but he has no car.
Ashley is from Iowa, is a "country girl"- she identified, and she studied Arabic in college, and something else. Foreign relations, perhaps. She sets girls up to go overseas, into study abroad programs, but she doesn't feel fulfilled. She is trying to get a job in Chicago. I asked her when she was moving, and she said whenever she can get a job. She was cute, from what I saw, so I kind of hope not that soon, maybe. I don't know. Haha.



I do believe my illness is at least in part psychosomatic. I know I have an environmental sickness, but around them, I seemed fine. Something felt warmer in the apartment, tonight. It felt more like "home". I've been missing a social element for a long time.

must be all-repulsive.

I am sorry I hit you.

Neither of us were watching.

I wasn't sure how to fit this in, without using some obvious bias.

Heather McEwen, the name of the girl that I first kissed (yet, pronounced more from memory like Mc-"Q"-Inn, and spelling unknown for certain) was the first girl I kissed. It happened in church.

Heather Thomas was someone I came to, through Google image search, as the first image with the name Heather, in the main section for results, for "Heather". Heather Thomas is known for her role in the TV series, The Fall Guy. She co-starred with Lee Majors.

Heather Thomas has three children, with Harry M. Brittenham, who she married in 1992, and they are Kristina, Shauna, and India Rose.

Lee Majors is currently married to Faith Cross-Majors.

Wikipedia made an error (as errors go) in attributing this Heather Thomas, the actress, to authoring the book Resurrection Papers, as listed first, among others.

Heather McEwen in a search comes up with a girl who is an actress, and her most prominent film role was in one called Voyage of the Unicorn, and she is credited, also on the surface, as starring in a TV-film, Orpheus.
Heather is currently a yoga instructor.

The unicorn has been associated with Christ, as has Orpheus.

Just had 4 mg subs n now having some wine. I deserve a drink after this week. So chilling out n going to relax for a bit.

Evey xxxx

Heather was the first girl that I kissed. I just remembered her name, after dreaming of my old church this morning. I've been struggling with trying to remember, for awhile.

I remember I tackled her, at church, and kissed her. I was around 4.

McEwen- her last name, though I can't remember the spelling exactly. My mom spelled it McKuen, when she helped me by remembering the last name, but this spelling could be wrong. Could be right. The "Q" was heavily sounded. Qu-in.

Heather had two older sisters, who were the only twins I remember, clearly enough, from church. Amy and Amber.

Searching "Heather", on Google image search, the first image to display the name Heather in the main section of images, a last name, Thomas- my last name, followed, with a picture of the actress, Heather Thomas. Heather Thomas is known for playing Jody Banks on the TV series, The Fall Guy.

I had one dream where I remember a fight occurring, and there was a hint of connection to another, or other dimensions, like one group was hiding some link to it, or trying to stop belief in connection, to some, perhaps, higher selves or more of themselves, that might be accessible to anyone. Some truth hidden. In part, a thought war. I am not sure. But there was a realization on the part of one side, and I heard a voice say something-"Titan Network", referring to the hidden, and then I woke up.

I'm not sure if I believe that actual Titans existed, as in very large humans. I have read about such things, and seen alleged photographs of giant humans. And some things just seem curious, about our history, like there might be a lot more to it than has been able to survive to be viewed, to now... Things that seem much too complex for the time period they are supposedly from. I wonder if Titans are simply those with connections able to be seen, like, networks, like how I have seen myself as connected to others (though, I know how I have been viewed as crazy, and my thoughts of finding patterns and connections, labeled and written off as errors such as confirmation bias)- my being is much larger than this little body, or connected to a being, much larger, that is still "me", although I might forfeit that designation, in ways that I might employ it normally, and, I guess, what I have seen has given me information enough to say that I am not "me", either. But it's a matter of how you see it. Though, it could all be me. I've tested it out, I guess, to see it- and make things work.

But truthfully, I don't know, and there may have been giants at one time. Yet, still, I guess that doesn't preclude the possibility that it might apply to what I mention, that our beings are not limited, to the dimensions we see of them, only.

I woke up, and Alphas was playing still on Netflix- I fell asleep watching it. It was a rather intense action/fight scene. I rewound to see if they had said "Titan" anything, but found nothing, though I don't doubt my subconscious was picking up on audio of the action.

I fell back asleep, and I remember I was going with my friend, Rob, to my old Church. I haven't been there in a long time. I don't know why I was going. For some reason it was held really early in the morning, and at first I was going to come back later, for the later service, but then more people began to show up, so I decided to stay. It was still dark out. Still very early. And it was held in a gymnasium, or that's where we found ourselves to begin, congregating. It was very hot, and I began to sweat. I was wearing my Tilly hat, which has a huge brim. I was getting many eyes, perhaps for the hat, my tie dye (I never wear tie dye) esque shirt, and because I hadn't been in so long, and people were recognizing me. They- Some seemed to remember my name, though I had trouble remembering any of theirs.

Rob didn't want to go, but I convinced him just to suffer through it for me. I had a reason I needed to be there.

At some point, I was across the room- the gymnasium, and ran across to Rob, as he was sitting or laying on the ground, with many people around. I ran, jumped really high, and did a wrestling drop-elbow near him, joking. I absorbed the impact of landing with no trouble. Though, some others seemed concerned.

Rob was also wearing some tie-dye, and his signature as of late unkempt hair, and shaggy beard, and glasses.

After this, I came into contact with a female, who knew my name, who I remember being in the same class as at church growing up, and who was always nice. And then I came into contact with her older sister. But I don't remember her having an older sister. But I seemed to, here. She took my hand, and said that she was 55. She was seemingly in a hurry, for something, like she didn't have much time left, perhaps to have a child- I don't know. She took my hand, and I took hers. She looked no older than 22, I told her. This was true. She told me we were supposed to lead. I told her I was no leader. That I was capable, but I didn't want to, I guess, or wasn't ready, or didn't know how to start, in this case. I needed the situation to present itself. But she seemed adamant, when she said it. Like she received some sign from God.

Rob then moved me from there, pushing me along the floor. I felt taken care of. He pushed me outside, though, and many males showed up. They were apparently coming to protect people from me, but then realized who I was- that I was not a threat. I recognized many people, but none of their names. And I seemed to be naturally in a position of leader, of the group. Not that I had anything to add... Or boss them to do... Just that I was something of that sort. They followed my attention. They wanted my attention.

The BMV took forever to bring to attention a status of habitual traffic violator, to make it active. They should have done so all the way back in 2006. I could have begun to serve my suspension then, and it would have been done in 2012, when they actually brought it active.

Back in 2001-2002, within a couple of weeks, I was arrested first for a DWI, and then having a controlled substance on me in my possession, while driving. Both were for marijuana, and there is no way to prove, actually, that I was stoned while driving, one, and two, these substances are now legal in two states, and tolerated in many more, and three, this is now over ten years ago, and at the time the BMV finally did bring it to the courts attention, it was almost ready to expire- it was almost 10 years past. It was like they waited until the last possible minute to rip me up.

Now I am "serving time" for this, as I am on a probationary license, and I am doing so until 2017. It will have been, by that time, ~15-16 years past the original "crime" of having marijuana in my blood, and having a plant on my possession, which ultimately put me over the line qualifying me as a habitual traffic violator. Of course, I also got speeding tickets along the way, but even that was three years past, the last time I had one, by the time I had my license revoked, and fought to keep it on a probationary level. It had been three years. And in that time, I even completed a course to keep my license, to reduce points. What? Then they suddenly hit me again? When I hadn't had another ticket? And I paid them money. More money. I even believe that I had to do another course between 2006 and then-2009 when I got my next ticket (the course mentioned before came after 2009), to reduce points. More money for them. Milk it.

15-16 years, and a rapist and a murderer would have served their time, by then. A child molester. And I simply drove while having marijuana in my blood, which I could have smoked 20 days before, for all they can prove. I have to have the government breath down my neck for the next three years, concerning this, going to compliance hearings, never getting one ticket, doing everything perfect, always under threat. ~100,000 miles a year.

Anyways, I missed one compliance hearing, thinking it was the 13th, not the 3rd. I am now having to go in one month, on the 7th of April, to make sure I am in compliance, and to provide an excuse as to why I didn't come on the 3rd. I'm pretty sure I have a legitimate excuse... I could also throw in that I have been in the process of trying to find a place to live and that may have factored in to my inattention to detail, such as compliance hearings only being on Mondays, but I wish I could have had this taken care of by 2012, as it should have been, and not stretched all the way out to 2017.

I currently drive, for a living. If the judge decides to be a dick... I'm screwed. I guess the best I can do is get a haircut, shave, and dress nicely.

I hate speaking in the negative, but it sucks that these people can mess up against us, but when it comes to us messing up, there is little forgiveness, a lot of times. Such incompetence on their part. Its a joke. "Government" facade.

Its up to us to protect ourselves. Be vigilant. The enemy is more than likely domestic, not to say they intend harm.

In this case, it would have been good for me to know the law, and when I should have had my license revoked. This way I should have brought it to their attention. Got the punishment started. It would have been done.

....

Spend 10 bucks to change our username. Funds could go toward maintenance, or other things, like MAPS, or other research.

It would basically be a donation.

I know many of us don't care, or like to build and stick to an identity, but I for one change my name a lot. Maybe its insecurity. But it seems they are expressions. I'm not always expressing the same thing.

Now the most logical choice for me seems something to do with my given name.

I still have this idea that punishment is going to come from some divine God of things, for doing wrong. Wrong has been right enough, to where I don't think anything would exist without it. Its pretty much a choice how one sees it.

I spill my seed. I make more. My skin does die, and it sheds. I shed now for the future. Consequences are temporary. Its all okay. Nothing is okay.

No matter what I do I'll be punished. Without punishment I couldn't feel. Not that that is really any better than nothing, but while we're here, we might as well see it through. I do think there is something worthwhile to it, even if sometimes it seems pointless and so often one step forward and two steps back... Or just the same thing, which ends in death. That we are just eaters. That we trick ourselves into keeping up this game of life, and that if we really knew, we'd see no point. But I tend to think we're Godly, and we have a choice what to do with our hands, and mouths. And we can enjoy ourselves.

I may have decided to stay where I am at- getting another unit in my current complex. For now.

They showed me another available unit. The only issue I have with it is that it has a gas oven/stove, and I can't handle gas smells well. I can get around it though. I can buy a countertop oven and a portable burner.

Then the paint fumes are still there, but they didn't effect me that badly for how recently they painted. Its winter so it hasn't aired out, and I will do this, plus lay out dishes of activated charcoal. And add spider plants and other VOC scrubbers.

The door lock is painted red. The apartment that is right up the steps like mine is in my block, mirror position is 333. Across the way from the unit I'm looking at is 330. Not that I'm interpretting any "omens" as bad or good.

They let me hang out in there on my own to see if I can handle it. When I turned the key back in, to Zach, on his desk to his left- my right, was a tiny yellow envelope with the number 113 on it-- The one given to Christina yesterday in my presence. This number I have long associated with Christ and sacrifice.

Arriving back at my current unit, for the first time I have been in a position to say hello, as I might normally to anyone, to the girl that moved in next to me, whose use of strong petrocarbon fragrance motivated my escape from there, and I denied my natural desire to be social, and just put my head down going past her. She doesn't deserve me. Frankly I don't care if she gets killed. Not painfully. Just dead. She basically said that my sensitivity is not her problem. She has no idea headaches are common side effects of the use of these things. People are more likely to be depressed breathing the compounds contained. Children are especially susceptible to them. The simple fact is the chemicals don't belong in our air. Indoor air is polluted enough, without their addition. They need to be banned. If I ran things consciously, they would and any fragrance would be yanked from the shelves and properly disposed of, and further production halted, pending full investigation, including the question of how ethical it is to force others to breath things they don't need or want to- things that are harmful. Granted there are many things in society that we breath that aren't good, like fumes from gasoline (I have ideas for full automation at the pump too), or cars, Etc... But some things are somewhat unavoidable, and we are working on it. Engineered fragrance is just obnoxious, and extraneous... Unneeded bullshit. I'd love a totalitarian government that did things right. Some people belong in chains. It doesn't have to be repressive. Its not a sacrifice to stop being dipshits. Tell me its not your problem when your child is born and is less than it could have been because of your ignorance of the effects of the environment. When you make life harder than it needs to be. Creating problems that never would have been. Trashy fuckers.

Been putting large amounts of effort into my SSE CV. The amount of thought and time I have spent on it should hopefully get me an apprenticeship. Not to base happiness on money but that apprenticeship guarantees a career for the rest of my life and £750 a month starting August. Other than that only been at home and school. Met everyone yesterday in town, was the first time we had no smoke or anything to do, not that it wasn't quite fun.

Laptop screen got smashed today when my mother tried to grab it off me. That was really annoying but I'm not that worried about it. Should get fixed soon and I can use this shitty monitor in the mean time.

Volunteering n I'm in the toilet cause I keep bursting into tears i really don't know how to get out of this.

Wish I could find some way to feel happy n stop feeling this way

This is too damn much

Why does this have to happen I don't know what to do n nothing feels ok anymore.

Because everything changes n I lose everything.

coal.

209, 113

Cute blond in apartment office, touring units. Zach is helping her. He asks someone, perhaps its Christina, if she can help him acquire keys for 209.

Christina then takes me into her office. I'm just trying to touch base- to communicate on when I am moving, and see what all my options are.

A maintenance guy, wearing earrings that stand out, walks in and hands Christina keys for room 113.

113 I have a build up of Christ-association, however I do have it, it resonates.

209 I associate with one, Zena, and two, Melissa, the girl I had association to when my life went to hell. Well, another level. Though, that is likely an exaggeration, relatively.

Both associations with 209 occurred (though not my knowledge of number) when I was in heart tied to Alisha, still, who is the average of names "MASK" numerogically, and who I asked to marry me, but then let go of after she expressed interest, saving her and myself from pain.

Alisha is where my face began to hurt.

I also dated another Melissa, who went by Missy, when still tied with Alisha, as I was. Melissa means honey, honey-bee, honey-drop.

209, for explanation, is their name sums possible if they were my wives, taking my last name in place of their own. Melissa and Zena. I don't know about Missy. I don't know her middle name.

113 I came to through another girl that I felt like Jesus after, after Alisha, and who had a prominent cross on her spine, on her neck, who had red hair and who was a stripper- Donna. Then I saw it was associated with acts of sacrifice, and according to the source I found first, "meant" "sacrifice for sin", and was a number representing, however they figured it, the immolation of the Christ on the cross, which added to the complex of Christ in my life.

Alisha was where I first "felt like Jesus", at the average of MASK, where my face began to feel like it was being, ha-ha, crucified.

Alisha could have a name sum, with my last name, of 192. 192 most recently was found multiple ways in a crop circle. I'm not sure what meanings I would associate, but I was abducted (no, don't call it that) when I was with her in heart. Had a dream about a red haired girl in a red place first then went looking for her to find myself in a vessel, in space, with a red haired girl that wasn't the red haired girl that I was looking for, a gray and black and white water color- fading in and out rapidly man, a woman, dark, with light skin, the vessel was orange and red, and yellow, with some white... So clean. Crystal, glass, marble-like, some mineral. Tiles (blocks) that were all different sizes, rectangular, but they went together beautifully, smoothly, seamlessly. I was told it would hurt a little. I stood facing a green cube in the center of the room. The red haired girl was behind me, a doorway shaped portal to the outside- to space, ahead. A blue ball and a white ball, stars or Earth and Moon, outside. Then I was at some point shown the inside of a cube, where I bounced falling first then up, and it seemed to get bigger and smaller. Everything looked simulated. 8-bit, or 16. 2-D then 3-D or reverse that, but it fluctuated. I hit a box near the top, like Mario, sort of, and it said "UPGRADE!", and the animations were celebratory, pixeled. Then I was shown an overhead view, it moving smoothly to that, where the cube in the center that I was facing was shown as the central processor, and the young red-head in back of me and the gray-black-white painted (fading in and out almost as fast as it would paint, or come to be seen) male to the right, and dark hair and clothes with lighter skinned female, older than me like the male, in the corner, facing the center, they were elements. The red head was facing the woman. The woman facing... I have said the cube but it might have been the window- the doorway shaped portal in the golden wall. The male was at the controls (though nothing I remember seeing), seemingly, and facing center. But they were units in this system. And this system seemed to be as I've told the story many times, old, and beyond anything we have accomplished yet. And simple, but capable of the utmost complexity.

Seeing from above, I saw through a green transparency, like the color of the cube at times. It was like a mother board. The green electrical masking on them sometimes.

Then I went back to myself, and was in my body, there. Then (well, I'm not sure what happened when exactly) I fell through the floor, perhaps between the three or in front of the cube where I was before, compressed, and sent back to my body here. It was painful. My jaw felt like it was coming undone. My shoulder. I saw what looked like hyperspace in the movies. Then they became symbols, characters. Then one appeared in the center, which meant love, and explained love to me, so simply. It was so simple, and never anything to be afraid of, if true, as it was.

I wanted to hold onto the message to tell the girl that I was chasing, in the beginning, that I was trying to find when I ran into the other, and who I had first run from because I was afraid of the feeling that I might fall, with her, and that she couldn't hold me, or wouldn't want to. I walked away from her in the beginning of that dream after coming face to face, feeling so weak. I had to regain footing. But I came back and she wasn't there. She had left with her mother. I looked around, then found myself in the vessel, when I came near to one other one with red hair, thinking she was the other at first, who I was trying to find, but realizing she wasn't.

In the vessel/craft, Merkaba, uh, I, uh, felt like a child, and on drugs sometimes, and the girl and I were playing first, by the window, and I was afraid to fall out. Then it was like I was in trouble, and was made to stand in front of the cube, which I didn't mind. Interestingly, perhaps, though maybe just coincidence, as a child I was made to sit in a green chair when I was in trouble. "Jeffrey! Go sit in the green chair!".

I screamed, in pain, and fear of coming apart as I fell, and I think I did, come apart, because by the time I reached the symbol for love, that was like, the operating system's language, or something, for it, I wasn't screaming. Maybe inside. I don't remember anything but silence and an energy to things. The feeling of movement/ falling. But I woke up in my bed, screaming out loudly- louder than I have since after birth, probably (yes, yes), relatively, and then I seem to remember a light flash outside my window, which could be just coincidence (but, it's light...), or a self implanted memory to try to make sense of things. My retainer that I was wearing to keep from grinding my teeth, also, I was nearly swallowing by the time I woke up, though that would be impossible, it could still provoke a reflex/panic. I won't pin any reason, though, on any one spot, for this.

I felt like she was real, and she wasn't Alisha- the girl of my dream, who I as trying to get back to. But I had a feeling that the only way I could get back to her, then, was through that that I just came from, and it felt real. More real than here, I felt. Though, it could just be equally so. Though, I have considered that this is all just simulated, and it's only us four, or however numbering I could perceive us as. Or that I am used, by those three. I felt like she was real, and she was in a certain direction, from me. The closest direction was north. "Up". And I met a girl, about 5 years later, who resonated with this experience, and who lived north from there. And she believed in aliens, and angels, and that we were descended, some of us more than others, from these angelic beings. She was totally crazy, but not. I gave her a chance. I wanted to give her... extremely creative thoughts that I know she got from things I had read, too, but I don't take them literally, and I don't believe, but she seemed to... I wanted to give her a chance. I test. I test everything, or try to. She has been "right" about many things. Though, it doesn't mean she is right. It just means the universe allows it to work like that.

I've wanted to tell her I loved her, for awhile. Simply. And at first, I was so complex about it. Going into numbers. Trying to prove it in the grooves of existence, like it's on an information medium, encoded, my love for her. Like my attempts at explaining things like this, to others, it's either not read, or not understood, much of the time. I just loved her.

Her- Donna, numerologically her name can sum to 184, with my last name, the same as my mothers.

Last night, a girl on OkCupid flagged a photo of mine. It was a picture I took of a child angel statue. In my visitor list there were two new ones. One marked her religion as "atheist", so I assumed it was her. I may be wrong. I wrote her a message asking if it was her, then another that said that atheism is not a religion..

I disabled my account. I was mad.

Anyways, a little later, a little redhead named Molly swiped right on me on Tinder. First time in over a week, maybe two, that I have had a match. But I won't approach her, even if a part of me wants to at least flirt a little. She's 22. I'm nearly 32. Different places. But I hearted images on her instagram, and followed her.

The closest Molly to me is my niece, who was born on February 14th. She is 3, and still hasn't grown any length in her hair, because she pulls it out.