This Life and The Struggle

[wareika]

Hang in there man.

A lot of us are going through crazy shit. I know that doesn't help, but you're definitely not alone.
I've been on a rollercoaster this whole week of feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack & then in tears & then in a "fuck it" attitude. All these emotions back n forth in less than an hour some times. Long story.

Try to remember all the good times you've had in life & remember they will come again. I wish I knew what to say, but in the throes of dark depression like this, I know it can be hard to stay positive.

good times you've had in life & remember they will come again

Well they won't necessarily. Will they. But i know what you mean now - it takes me a while to get things ... - moments of fulfilment & ecstasy are sure to come again because brand new flickering light & romance are the bedrocks of this Universe.

But those new moments will be dependent on a different kind of pain = encountering the world without preconception, forgetting, or suspending ourselves & history.

I surfed this wave today - i woke clear and fairly neutral. Felt okay i didn't need a drug to get up and moving. But i ended up nursing a drink, basically nursing my sadness like it was the defining aspect to my mindfulness.

 

[spammie nurse]

You've been on my mind so I wanted to check in and see how you're doing. Not one of us is meant to walk alone in life. We need each other, so if one of us stumbles or falls, the other is there to hold him up.

 

[deficiT]

I didn't see, but did you get the IT job?

Nothing official yet, but I finally got everything turned in for the background check so now it's just a matter of waiting.

Hang in there man.

A lot of us are going through crazy shit. I know that doesn't help, but you're definitely not alone.
I've been on a rollercoaster this whole week of feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack & then in tears & then in a "fuck it" attitude. All these emotions back n forth in less than an hour some times. Long story.

Try to remember all the good times you've had in life & remember they will come again. I wish I knew what to say, but in the throes of dark depression like this, I know it can be hard to stay positive.

Hey dude, that was more than enough of something good to say and I appreciate you saying it. Same to you, and I'm always here if you want to chat.

You've been on my mind so I wanted to check in and see how you're doing. Not one of us is meant to walk alone in life. We need each other, so if one of us stumbles or falls, the other is there to hold him up.

Thanks for thinking about me, that means a lot. I have been a little raw, but I think I'm finally processing things a little bit more. Spoke to my girlfriends folks yesterday, they are holding strong. Her memorial is this Sunday. I got a little chain thing that holds a ball that will hold some of her ashes for me (I won't wear it of course as I'd be too afraid to lose it). I've been hanging out somewhat frequently with a good friend of mine who was close to Sasha, and we've been talking over where a good place to spread her ashes would be. I'm planning on writing something to say during her memorial. Also, one of her girlfriends asked me if I would like to help her perform a song she really loved at the memorial, so I am meeting up with her today to practice that.

Other than that, I've just been pushing through ya know. I have this independent business venture that I'd like to undertake to help my family out rolling around in the back of my mind, so I'm planning on writing up a business plan for that soon. Hopefully the job works out and I can use what money I get to set that all up.

My stepfather also has asked me to help him clean out our very messy garage, as there's a bunch of stuff in there we could sell that he'd split the money with me. So just trying to keep busy and keep living.

Hope you've been well too nurse!

 

[spammie nurse]

I got a little chain thing that holds a ball that will hold some of her ashes for me (I won't wear it of course as I'd be too afraid to lose it).

I totally understand this. My sister recently gave me a pendant inscribed with " Tell my mom that I love her" on it. I l started crying and said this looks just like Grace's handwriting ( my deceased daughter). She said it is, it's from a letter she sent. Apparently, there's places that can make this happen. I wear it knowing if it get lost or broken, I can have another one made so maybe that's an option for you.
I keep an ever changing list of people I pray for. I've added you. I'm praying for the fullness of Gods peace to wash over your soul and spirit, for clarity and strength to get through the memorial for Sasha and for healing for you. I'm pretty sure that when I pray for Deficit, he knows who I'm talking about. lol

 

[deficiT]

I totally understand this. My sister recently gave me a pendant inscribed with " Tell my mom that I love her" on it. I l started crying and said this looks just like Grace's handwriting ( my deceased daughter). She said it is, it's from a letter she sent. Apparently, there's places that can make this happen. I wear it knowing if it get lost or broken, I can have another one made so maybe that's an option for you.
I keep an ever changing list of people I pray for. I've added you. I'm praying for the fullness of Gods peace to wash over your soul and spirit, for clarity and strength to get through the memorial for Sasha and for healing for you. I'm pretty sure that when I pray for Deficit, he knows who I'm talking about. lol

There is only one deficit as far as I know and I'm pretty sure God heard about me, I have been making quite the racket down here!

But thank you, that truly means the world

 

[xaddictx]

Well now I've bought it up on here, and made a shrine post for her, so I'll mention here, but recently lost the love of my life to a suspected overdose. I was not there, as we hadn't been in contact over the past couple weeks prior.

But this has been a severe blow to my mental health. The wounds were still very fresh of our breakup, and I'm having a very hard time not feeling super guilty about the circumstances and my inability to save her.

Not sure when the memorial is yet, but expecting it'll be sometime soon. Her mother said I could have a painting of hers that I loved, in addition to a bit of her ashes. I recently got a beautiful little necklace mini holder for her ashes. I'm still reeling, and was numb for days, but it's finally starting to register as real.

I'm just hoping I am able to carry on with the good memories I have of her and not let this drag me down too far.

Don't know you well but I'm so sorry for your loss. Its a real test for you to carry on now but I'm sure she would want you to be strong. This will show your resilience and I'm sure she is looking down on you and smiling. Again my condolences go out to you.

 

[spammie nurse]

Checking in on you....how are you, REALLY? What did you do this weekend that was positive? ( If you feel I'm too intrusive, let me know. But I really do care)

 

[deficiT]

Checking in on you....how are you, REALLY? What did you do this weekend that was positive? ( If you feel I'm too intrusive, let me know. But I really do care)

Oh no I don't mind people checking in one bit. Helps keep me accountable. I would probably check in more and earlier, I just get so many damn notifications and alerts on here that I lose track of all the threads.

Well, I mean it wasn't really a happy or positive weekend really, it was my girlfriend's funeral yesterday. But that was a very beautiful ceremony and it was pretty cathartic to get a chance to say how I felt.

I kind of lost my shit a bit the morning of, and of course I cried my ass off during my speech. But I feel like I kinda cried all the tears I had within me, at least for the moment, so that felt very good afterwards.

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

Well now I've bought it up on here, and made a shrine post for her, so I'll mention here, but recently lost the love of my life to a suspected overdose. I was not there, as we hadn't been in contact over the past couple weeks prior.

But this has been a severe blow to my mental health. The wounds were still very fresh of our breakup, and I'm having a very hard time not feeling super guilty about the circumstances and my inability to save her.

Not sure when the memorial is yet, but expecting it'll be sometime soon. Her mother said I could have a painting of hers that I loved, in addition to a bit of her ashes. I recently got a beautiful little necklace mini holder for her ashes. I'm still reeling, and was numb for days, but it's finally starting to register as real.

I'm just hoping I am able to carry on with the good memories I have of her and not let this drag me down too far.

hey sorry just seeing this now - sorry for your loss bro

 

[bingey]

Yes, my condoleances deficit

 

[deficiT]

Was plagued with a horrendous case of sleep paralysis and looping nightmares the other night. It was fucking miserable. Not sure how it's a trope that people can't "die" in their dreams, the shit happens to me all the time it's awful.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Was plagued with a horrendous case of sleep paralysis and looping nightmares the other night. It was fucking miserable. Not sure how it's a trope that people can't "die" in their dreams, the shit happens to me all the time it's awful.

legit? we supposedly cant die in our dreams cus the brain dont know what happens when we die irl... maybe if you have been a lil dead, like an od or a comma...
hey, i read that you are taking seroquel and abilify... idk if u really need them, but both those things severely messed with my brain function, and unless you think that you really need em, i think no one should use those.

 

[deficiT]

legit? we supposedly cant die in our dreams cus the brain dont know what happens when we die irl... maybe if you have been a lil dead, like an od or a comma...
hey, i read that you are taking seroquel and abilify... idk if u really need them, but both those things severely messed with my brain function, and unless you think that you really need em, i think no one should use those.

Yeah, idk I've been pretty close to death several times so idk maybe that changes my perception of it. Usually it's a gunshot to the back of my head. I can feel myself choking and sputtering, my vision goes red and starts fading to black and I start rattling until I'm resurrected somehow if I don't wake up. Really rolls into the sleep paralysis.

Yeah I definitely do need them, my behavior patterns have proven as much over time. I usually don't take Seroquel every night, but I'm incredibly impulsive and have self destructive mood swings without some kind of mood stabilization. I'm on low doses of both I'm not too worried about it, pro's outweigh the cons at the moment.

 

[AbbeyLee]

Usually it's a gunshot to the back of my head.

I once dreamt I was in this house with a bunch of people.. It wasn't a house I was familiar with but can still picture it now. There was a big wooden staircase and we were trying to hide from something.

The door burst open and these Nazi soldiers came in. We all just froze and they started shooting. I was just a kid (in the dream not RL) and they hesitated, but then shot me between the eyes.

I can clearly remember everything just went black and I woke up. So that whole dying in a dream = dying for real is a myth.


Anyway, hang in there..

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah, idk I've been pretty close to death several times so idk maybe that changes my perception of it. Usually it's a gunshot to the back of my head. I can feel myself choking and sputtering, my vision goes red and starts fading to black and I start rattling until I'm resurrected somehow if I don't wake up. Really rolls into the sleep paralysis.

Yeah I definitely do need them, my behavior patterns have proven as much over time. I usually don't take Seroquel every night, but I'm incredibly impulsive and have self destructive mood swings without some kind of mood stabilization. I'm on low doses of both I'm not too worried about it, pro's outweigh the cons at the moment.

U mean the sleep paralysis where u cant move and see weird creatures?
My family said that the meds made me act better but they just turned me into a zombie all day and i guess they liked that because they were not responsible enough to actually help me with my problems.

Sorry if this is a lil off topic, but today reminded me why i started doing dope in the first place. I really can't deal with people, idk why everyone else is able to take so much shit and i just lose it with any lil thing. Makes me feel so weak.

I love your pfp !!!

 

[deficiT]

U mean the sleep paralysis where u cant move and see weird creatures?
My family said that the meds made me act better but they just turned me into a zombie all day and i guess they liked that because they were not responsible enough to actually help me with my problems.

Sorry if this is a lil off topic, but today reminded me why i started doing dope in the first place. I really can't deal with people, idk why everyone else is able to take so much shit and i just lose it with any lil thing. Makes me feel so weak.

I love your pfp !!!

Yeah, that is a common side effect, that I have experienced in the past. This time I didn't feel a presence in the room necessarily. But I kept falling into this weird tricks/pranks played on me, it had something to do with snapchat, idk but I kept getting like firecrackers and shit like that thrown at me, and like little poppers would be blowing up around me and I'd be trying to force myself awake to no avail and would wake up flailing every time. Happened at least 3-5 iterations of this similar thing before I could finally wake up enough to sit up and stay awake for a bit.

Dude, I get that lol. Lot easier to not have mood swings and shit when I'm on opioids, which is why I tend to stay on maintenance meds for that, or kratom if not. THC helps alot but can't really smoke due to legal issues.

Thanks dude!

 

[deficiT]

Made the decision to try and get back into school for the fall semester '22. Cutting it a bit close, but I'll have the week to get everything sorted, already registered for two classes. Just gotta speak to the registrar to clear everything up and make sure everythings in order, might as well finish what I started, the loans are set up anyway, so I might as well roll with it. I just couldn't focus last semester due to difficult life circumstances, but I think if I can get this semester, spring, and summer taking a few classes I'll at least be halfway to my associates by that point. Might as well get something positive going while my life is on standstill.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah, that is a common side effect, that I have experienced in the past. This time I didn't feel a presence in the room necessarily. But I kept falling into this weird tricks/pranks played on me, it had something to do with snapchat, idk but I kept getting like firecrackers and shit like that thrown at me, and like little poppers would be blowing up around me and I'd be trying to force myself awake to no avail and would wake up flailing every time. Happened at least 3-5 iterations of this similar thing before I could finally wake up enough to sit up and stay awake for a bit.

Dude, I get that lol. Lot easier to not have mood swings and shit when I'm on opioids, which is why I tend to stay on maintenance meds for that, or kratom if not. THC helps alot but can't really smoke due to legal issues.

Thanks dude!

what you described sounds like a demonic attack, many pastors talk about it all the time. It happens when Satan is afraid of you. That means thay you are good.
It makes sense to me when you think about what sleep paralysis really is, no?
What do you think of mood swings? Are they due to a mental disorder, or a lack of good nutrition? I think they are both. And maybe caused by meds aswell. I have those too obviously, but they got SO much weaker since i stopped being vegan, thank fuck. What a nightmare that was. Do not recommend.

 

[Deleted member 554582]

It could be demonic attack or not.He or anybody else may need Jesus in her/his life or Allah or anything,that could give him strenght for fight,faith,hope&love.If someone told me you need Jesus in your life I will run like hell.And I am telling u this like a Christian,but Orthodox.....and there is a big difference.I attended so many times protestant meetings and don't like 'em all.That is lonely path....that's why hermits and lot of holy men,a prophets go in desert places,in caves.....to battle.Christ do it.We never told Jesus,'cause there are many with this name.The proper is Christ or Jesus Christ(for us),not for u,if u are protestant.And yes-you could be right or wrong.There is no way i know'cause I am like u-an ordinary mortal,a sinner.....a surviver.Peace on you

 

[Jabberwocky]

It could be demonic attack or not.He or anybody else may need Jesus in her/his life or Allah or anything,that could give him strenght for fight,faith,hope&love.If someone told me you need Jesus in your life I will run like hell.And I am telling u this like a Christian,but Orthodox.....and there is a big difference.I attended so many times protestant meetings and don't like em all.That is lonely path....that's why hermits and lot of holy men,a prophets go in desert places,in caves.....to battle.Christ do it.We never told Jesus,'cause there are many with this name.The proper is Christ or Jesus Christ(for us),not for u,if u are protestant.And yes-you could be right or wrong.There is no way i know'cause I am like u-an ordinary mortal,a sinner.....a surviver.Peace on you

"I felt a prescence in the room" what would you suggest that is? A ghost? There are no ghosts, they are called demons.