Christmas Eve Day, 7am and I'm already crying

I guess thats really what I am. Nothing but an attention whore. I bitch a moan, not knowing I'm really doing it. I just got sick of 8 years of depression of putting on that plastic smile and pretending everything was alright when it was far from.

But really who would want to be around me. I can't blame people for wishing I would just shut the fuck up and go away. Kinda feel like arranging that.

I feel so worthless. What is the point of me interacting with another human being if they are going to grow to hate me, as but as I hate myself maybe.

Whats the point to living like that. And I know its the borderline. I know it is. Not an excuse but a cause.

Christmas eve day and I wish more than I have in the last few days that I would just die. I think some would dance on my grave.
Yay the whiny bitch is dead.

I don't think I'll be posting anywhere anymore other than here. and even here ppl can get sick of me. real life, online, its all the same.

and likely even this entry will be seen as attention seeking when I'm just in pain and feel so incredibly worthless and figure most people dislike me, only few have the ball to say it. And That hurts, do I care what other people think? Yeah I'm human. I care.

I think its time for drugs, what little I have.

Soma, with some benadryl, a lil seroquel, hey it helps with the emotionlessness, and maybe some k-pins if this does cut it...in the end there is always alcohol. Its Christmas I can drink right?
... and chalk this day as a loss.

 

you know, i feel for you because i too know what it's like to walk the earth feeling like nobody cares but this self-loathing bullshit needs to stop. the reason nobody likes you is because you don't like yourself. you are a beautiful person but for whatever reason, you can't see past the ugly within. pick one day, any day, and take the entire day to wallow in your own self-pity. cry all day if you have to, run around in circles if it helps but only do this for ONE DAY. after that one day is done, get the fuck over it and move on. you need to start making better choices for YOURSELF instead of depending on others to provide happiness and security for you. a life dependent on others is no life at all, start living for yourself and nobody else. i guarantee that once you cut the crap and start focusing on ways to make your life better, you will be content.

good luck

 

ahh...you'll feel better soon.

 

You know, death should not be discussed in such a casual way. I do not doubt your intent, I am simply saying that as far as we know we only have one shot at life, and we ought to do it right, meaning there enough things that can kill us already and we should never voluntarily give up the ghost.

I would lie if I were to say there were never times that I myself thought of it, I think most everybody does. What always stopped me was the fear that after I had done the deed, as I lay dying I would regret having done it. Sure, there are ways to do it instantaneouly but I always imagined a split second of recognition in there because as we see, the mind can be cognisant a tad bit longer than our bodies (so called Toronto Experiments which replicated Near Death Experiences showing them to be purely biological and ultra short in duration).

So, laying there after eating a bullet, perhaps I would have 6 or 7 seconds of recognition, and rue it forever. Maybe THAT is hell.

As well, as I grew older (I am going to be 42), I realised that for every dark day there will be at least one bright day as well. We can learn to appreciate those dark days if we allow ourselves, in that they allow so much illumination for their dark counter parts. How would we appreciate our good times if we had no bad times?

As for this post being "attention seeking," no, not neccessarily. You may simply be truly expressing your thoughts which is what a Blog should be ideally. I applaud your openess. Sure, some will see it very negatively but then you can always find such perceptions anywhere. Just do you, as they say in America.