*I know I'm gonna cry as I write this...
BPD makes my worse nightmares come true. It destroys everything around me.
It makes me see in black in white. You are white and pure and wonderful, until you cause me pain and then you are black and evil and hurtful.
I become so angry. I don't understand or know what to do with anger. A few times I've punched walls because it had to be let out, but that was when I wasn't cutting. I cut becuase I'm angry at others at myself at the world.
When I'm angry I cuss and scream. Every other word is the F word. "Fuck you, who the fucking hell do you fucking think you are to do this fucking shit to me!" Because thats the only way I know how to get across how angry I am is to use the worst word possible. People don't respond well to that and it escalates it.
Then usually they are hurt or more likely they start yelling at me. I take every word personally. I cuts deep and repeats in my mind over and over. I Torture myself constantly. I've been called a whore, a slut, a bitch, stupid, worthless...I call myself all those things all the time. I got the laundry tangled and I told myself "Fucking stupid bitch can't do shit right..." when really it wasn't even my fault, so the bras weren't unhooked and got tangled big deal ya know.
Then, I freak out. I switch. MY GOD THEY ARE GOING TO GET MAD AND LEAVE!! They are going to reject me, they are going to abandon me. (My ex couldn't take the sudden change). I start in, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry to yelling whatever you did I had to right to be mad (even if I did) and act like that. Please forgive me. Please please don't leave...I'm sorry. I will believe whatever you tell me, I'll do whatever you say. I'll fix it, I'll make it go away. (My ex never understood, what the hell, one minute you yelling and I break up with you and now your crying and begging me not to do this..)
During bouts of my ex's anger and anger from others and just because they could. I just shut up and accepted what they had to say. Often name calling. I can still recall words from well years ago when my ex THOUGHT I had cheated. I had not. He e-mailed me "You fucking little slut. I never should have trusted you...you're nothing but a fucking whore...one day you write me and the next you fucking someone else...you fucking whore...I hope you didn't give me anything you god damn cunt..." Something along those lines. The first part is exact and I still have it....so I can go back and torture myself later. Thats whats so bad about BL and why I often will delete a thread...
Because if someone said something hurtful I will read is over and over and torture myself and internalize it.
As for the situation right now with the guy from last night if you have been following. I don't know that anyone really cares enough to follow the mess my life is. I don't want it. lol
I'm at the begging stage. When he left and didn't come back I was mad and said I wasn't a toy and wasn't playing his fucking games and he had no intention of coming back. He just wanted to used me as a midnight kiss, not be alone or whatever and leave. I was angry.
Now I'm begging. Please. Look I'm sorry. Just whatever you say is fine. I'll accept it and forgive and forget about it and we can go on like it didn't happen, just like before. I want to like you. I want to be close to you. Please, come back. Help me fix it. I mean its underly pathetic I know. But I can't be abandoned. I liked him. He gave me affection. He held me, he kissed me...no one had since S. up and forgot about me.....
But now he is doing the same as S. Likely freaked out and running. I drive them away because I don't want them to leave. I make my own nightmares come true. After so many calls and messages and texts, I saw what I was doing...and knew that this person that I wanted to deserve...
He had been hurt too, was sweet and honest, more attractive than I think I deserves, blond and tall and blue eyes. I laughed when he said I was tiny so much smaller than he thought. He thought I would be "taller and wider" lol. He liked to listen to me talk. I talk a lot when I was nervous. He liked that I was smart, and damn it I kinda am. I'm college educated. I read him from the book I was reading. We had other umm "things" in common so it could work there. Although I BEGGED him to go slow. But at midnight when he kissed me, the clock was fast...and then the alarm for midnight went off and I didn't want him to stop. I wanted him to hold me and kiss me......and then he just said he had to leave. I was so I guess taken by surprise. At first it was anger and I thew down the DVD ad turned away as I started to cry.
I had waited hours for him to be here and now he just leaves. A grab a tissue and try to hide and turn away from him. He asks me not to cry. Its his brother's anniv. and he said he would go and he needs to before everyone is asleep. I'm upset. Ok, go. Can I text you he asks, yeah I'll be quick. he says so I can come back. I have hope, he will come back and I can be held again.
24 hours later, no text. No message. No show. I did it again angry and begging...
I have now deleted his number, I can't get it if I wanted it. So I can't drive him away with my pathetic need. With my fear of losing it. When this was just a FIRST date. God I ruin it all too fast.
S. couldn't take it when we had dated for months. How is D. not going to want to run after this happens after ONE DATE. "PSYCHO...." and he will be gone likely. And that is painful. very painful. Rejected because of my fear or rejection.
I ruin everything I ever loved or wanted.
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS LOVE.
I wanted someone to WANT to not like family "has" to, although I don't believe they do... WANT to love me as much as I love them.
But thats impossible because with BPD I feel more than the average person. I'm always going to love more and hurt more.
BPD makes my worse nightmares come true. It destroys everything around me.
It makes me see in black in white. You are white and pure and wonderful, until you cause me pain and then you are black and evil and hurtful.
I become so angry. I don't understand or know what to do with anger. A few times I've punched walls because it had to be let out, but that was when I wasn't cutting. I cut becuase I'm angry at others at myself at the world.
When I'm angry I cuss and scream. Every other word is the F word. "Fuck you, who the fucking hell do you fucking think you are to do this fucking shit to me!" Because thats the only way I know how to get across how angry I am is to use the worst word possible. People don't respond well to that and it escalates it.
Then usually they are hurt or more likely they start yelling at me. I take every word personally. I cuts deep and repeats in my mind over and over. I Torture myself constantly. I've been called a whore, a slut, a bitch, stupid, worthless...I call myself all those things all the time. I got the laundry tangled and I told myself "Fucking stupid bitch can't do shit right..." when really it wasn't even my fault, so the bras weren't unhooked and got tangled big deal ya know.
Then, I freak out. I switch. MY GOD THEY ARE GOING TO GET MAD AND LEAVE!! They are going to reject me, they are going to abandon me. (My ex couldn't take the sudden change). I start in, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry to yelling whatever you did I had to right to be mad (even if I did) and act like that. Please forgive me. Please please don't leave...I'm sorry. I will believe whatever you tell me, I'll do whatever you say. I'll fix it, I'll make it go away. (My ex never understood, what the hell, one minute you yelling and I break up with you and now your crying and begging me not to do this..)
During bouts of my ex's anger and anger from others and just because they could. I just shut up and accepted what they had to say. Often name calling. I can still recall words from well years ago when my ex THOUGHT I had cheated. I had not. He e-mailed me "You fucking little slut. I never should have trusted you...you're nothing but a fucking whore...one day you write me and the next you fucking someone else...you fucking whore...I hope you didn't give me anything you god damn cunt..." Something along those lines. The first part is exact and I still have it....so I can go back and torture myself later. Thats whats so bad about BL and why I often will delete a thread...
Because if someone said something hurtful I will read is over and over and torture myself and internalize it.
As for the situation right now with the guy from last night if you have been following. I don't know that anyone really cares enough to follow the mess my life is. I don't want it. lol
I'm at the begging stage. When he left and didn't come back I was mad and said I wasn't a toy and wasn't playing his fucking games and he had no intention of coming back. He just wanted to used me as a midnight kiss, not be alone or whatever and leave. I was angry.
Now I'm begging. Please. Look I'm sorry. Just whatever you say is fine. I'll accept it and forgive and forget about it and we can go on like it didn't happen, just like before. I want to like you. I want to be close to you. Please, come back. Help me fix it. I mean its underly pathetic I know. But I can't be abandoned. I liked him. He gave me affection. He held me, he kissed me...no one had since S. up and forgot about me.....
But now he is doing the same as S. Likely freaked out and running. I drive them away because I don't want them to leave. I make my own nightmares come true. After so many calls and messages and texts, I saw what I was doing...and knew that this person that I wanted to deserve...
He had been hurt too, was sweet and honest, more attractive than I think I deserves, blond and tall and blue eyes. I laughed when he said I was tiny so much smaller than he thought. He thought I would be "taller and wider" lol. He liked to listen to me talk. I talk a lot when I was nervous. He liked that I was smart, and damn it I kinda am. I'm college educated. I read him from the book I was reading. We had other umm "things" in common so it could work there. Although I BEGGED him to go slow. But at midnight when he kissed me, the clock was fast...and then the alarm for midnight went off and I didn't want him to stop. I wanted him to hold me and kiss me......and then he just said he had to leave. I was so I guess taken by surprise. At first it was anger and I thew down the DVD ad turned away as I started to cry.
I had waited hours for him to be here and now he just leaves. A grab a tissue and try to hide and turn away from him. He asks me not to cry. Its his brother's anniv. and he said he would go and he needs to before everyone is asleep. I'm upset. Ok, go. Can I text you he asks, yeah I'll be quick. he says so I can come back. I have hope, he will come back and I can be held again.
24 hours later, no text. No message. No show. I did it again angry and begging...
I have now deleted his number, I can't get it if I wanted it. So I can't drive him away with my pathetic need. With my fear of losing it. When this was just a FIRST date. God I ruin it all too fast.
S. couldn't take it when we had dated for months. How is D. not going to want to run after this happens after ONE DATE. "PSYCHO...." and he will be gone likely. And that is painful. very painful. Rejected because of my fear or rejection.
I ruin everything I ever loved or wanted.
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS LOVE.
I wanted someone to WANT to not like family "has" to, although I don't believe they do... WANT to love me as much as I love them.
But thats impossible because with BPD I feel more than the average person. I'm always going to love more and hurt more.