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I yearn for obsession and submission
I think to myself, as the window's sunburned heat
pours onto my face.
I place you, perched up high on my mantle piece.
And you remain there, to simply be perfection.
My fingers dance along the side of your face,
journeying off to the texture of your hair,
and I can only be so much...
I think to myself, as the window's sunburned heat
pours onto my face.
I place you, perched up high on my mantle piece.
And you remain there, to simply be perfection.
My fingers dance along the side of your face,
journeying off to the texture of your hair,
and I can only be so much...
Feels good. I can see a hint of the old me somewhere in this heart and head of mine.
Just gotta keep it goin'.
-------------------------------
I wanted to play with the trackback function so below is a link to one of my favorite blogs by lacey_k
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/blog.php?b=88
Just gotta keep it goin'.
-------------------------------
I wanted to play with the trackback function so below is a link to one of my favorite blogs by lacey_k
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/blog.php?b=88
I am consistently
placing my bones
to match the everlasting
stretching of my skin.
I am spread out
amidst this map of travels.
Aging as I push forward,
I have lost the point
of where I began and where
I should be going.
I am old from multiple attempts
of finding self-righteousness.
This is plain, sick, and possible maddening.
God, God, God, oh God.
Am I as old as you?
placing my bones
to match the everlasting
stretching of my skin.
I am spread out
amidst this map of travels.
Aging as I push forward,
I have lost the point
of where I began and where
I should be going.
I am old from multiple attempts
of finding self-righteousness.
This is plain, sick, and possible maddening.
God, God, God, oh God.
Am I as old as you?
i tend to want drink till i get to a point where i stop thinking about things. one of the things i want to stop thinking about is how much i drink ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
new member-learing about bluelight
enjoied the pain releive of teva 40er looking for something like it any hope? op30
enjoied the pain releive of teva 40er looking for something like it any hope? op30
ACT I
Shroomz was a new and wondrous thing to me, and having never tried a tryptamin family drug i thought it would be amazing, i stopped off to grab XTC from a friend but he was out of stock, so he gave me 10g of shroomz for 10 bucks, good deal.
me and my girlfriend wanted a place to ourselves so we found a really cheap motel with bright colored walls and access to the net and a tv. there were no noise limitations in the area we were in and all seemed great. i chewed 5g and so did she.
ACT II - Onset
the onset was great, we had some conversation and were laughing at drunks in a different room, life had been great to me so far and surely this was an experience again i would soon not forget.
the mush slowly started to take effect. i distinctly remembered laughing about the big pine trees across the parking lot looking alot like pot plants. and staring at my girlfriend and then shutting my eyes and seeing outlines of her face.
but then it happened...
ACT III - INSANE?
the drunks in the other rooms were getting louder, and my girlfriend wished to see what was up. fearing they were in the hall. i made her sit on the bed.. i tried talking to get my mind off things, but i started to talk to much.. not wanting my girlfriend to hear the other people in the motel.... i started spewing out theories of life and philosophical moments, and i must have been terribly loud. so my girlfriend after repeatedly telling me i needed to be quiter or stop talking.. went to the bathroom.. i panicked thinking she had left the room.... and then blankness.
ACT IV - SANE AGAIN
upon waking 9 hours later, there was blood/puke all across the carpet. i had lost bowel functions and had to wash my only pants and underwear brought in a shower. i only could remember snippets. not knowing if my life was real, or how i came to be. wondering who, if i really existed, created me. thinking the only way to end the pain was to find a hospital. i turned and looked at my girlfriend, she gave me a hug (as i lay there in soiled pants), she had been crying i could tell. she boar a bruise above her right eye, and a odd round cut that had gone bright purple on her wrist.. as i noticed the round cut was oddly shaped like teeth marks, i felt a pounding in my head. so moving to the mirror i noticed i to had a bump like her.. but i had two others in addition. i showered and washed the clothes trying to figure out wear i was... and slowly bits and pieces came back.
ACT V - Recollection
i had started screaming about a pain in my stomach at one point, and i hurled myself off the bed and vomited blood and puke over the carpet. passing out for 20 minutes i groggily had gotten up (still in excessive pain) and tried to kill myself by smashing my head off a window ac unit corner, then a wall twice. my girlfriend screamed unknowing what to do.. she convinced me somehow to go on the bed.... i didnt want to go so i bit her arm holding me.. not knowing what i was doing i would have bit through her arm had she not punched me. i decked her back. and collapsed. she rolled me into a recovery position and waited out the night on the phone with her friend.
thats it. thats the end. there was no happy ending. shroomz fucked me up. i had flashbacks for days, was unsure if i was sane or not for a week. she's still with me.. she knows i would NEVER strike a woman, and it had only been a bad trip. but our relationship took months to heal. now i will never try everything as i once wanted, for i fear going near acid. and shroomz will always be a never.
Shroomz was a new and wondrous thing to me, and having never tried a tryptamin family drug i thought it would be amazing, i stopped off to grab XTC from a friend but he was out of stock, so he gave me 10g of shroomz for 10 bucks, good deal.
me and my girlfriend wanted a place to ourselves so we found a really cheap motel with bright colored walls and access to the net and a tv. there were no noise limitations in the area we were in and all seemed great. i chewed 5g and so did she.
ACT II - Onset
the onset was great, we had some conversation and were laughing at drunks in a different room, life had been great to me so far and surely this was an experience again i would soon not forget.
the mush slowly started to take effect. i distinctly remembered laughing about the big pine trees across the parking lot looking alot like pot plants. and staring at my girlfriend and then shutting my eyes and seeing outlines of her face.
but then it happened...
ACT III - INSANE?
the drunks in the other rooms were getting louder, and my girlfriend wished to see what was up. fearing they were in the hall. i made her sit on the bed.. i tried talking to get my mind off things, but i started to talk to much.. not wanting my girlfriend to hear the other people in the motel.... i started spewing out theories of life and philosophical moments, and i must have been terribly loud. so my girlfriend after repeatedly telling me i needed to be quiter or stop talking.. went to the bathroom.. i panicked thinking she had left the room.... and then blankness.
ACT IV - SANE AGAIN
upon waking 9 hours later, there was blood/puke all across the carpet. i had lost bowel functions and had to wash my only pants and underwear brought in a shower. i only could remember snippets. not knowing if my life was real, or how i came to be. wondering who, if i really existed, created me. thinking the only way to end the pain was to find a hospital. i turned and looked at my girlfriend, she gave me a hug (as i lay there in soiled pants), she had been crying i could tell. she boar a bruise above her right eye, and a odd round cut that had gone bright purple on her wrist.. as i noticed the round cut was oddly shaped like teeth marks, i felt a pounding in my head. so moving to the mirror i noticed i to had a bump like her.. but i had two others in addition. i showered and washed the clothes trying to figure out wear i was... and slowly bits and pieces came back.
ACT V - Recollection
i had started screaming about a pain in my stomach at one point, and i hurled myself off the bed and vomited blood and puke over the carpet. passing out for 20 minutes i groggily had gotten up (still in excessive pain) and tried to kill myself by smashing my head off a window ac unit corner, then a wall twice. my girlfriend screamed unknowing what to do.. she convinced me somehow to go on the bed.... i didnt want to go so i bit her arm holding me.. not knowing what i was doing i would have bit through her arm had she not punched me. i decked her back. and collapsed. she rolled me into a recovery position and waited out the night on the phone with her friend.
thats it. thats the end. there was no happy ending. shroomz fucked me up. i had flashbacks for days, was unsure if i was sane or not for a week. she's still with me.. she knows i would NEVER strike a woman, and it had only been a bad trip. but our relationship took months to heal. now i will never try everything as i once wanted, for i fear going near acid. and shroomz will always be a never.
Dave's surgery got cancelled just as I thought, call it intuition, however with all his health problems it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. My friend Mike who lives upstairs from Dave and Dave's dad Bob told me what Bob said. Bob is 88 years old and a hell of alot healthier than his son who's a year younger than me, 43. That's pretty fucked up, but anyway Bob said, "Dave's going to die before he has the surgery." When I woke up today, thinking about Dave took me back in time a bit. I met him for the first time when we were both 17 on the phone. We both loved drugs and concerts. I finally met him in person when we were about 18 when the 3 of us, he, myself and Tami, my best friend for 13 years many years ago.
Dave had had a 7 year love affair with a fucked up crack head named Kirk who was also a chronic liar and cleptomaniac. After he called it quits with Kirk, he never went with another man, claiming that that time in his life was "just a phase." I have fond memories of Dave partying with mushrooms, LSD, pot, hash, and later meth, and for me painkillers. I had been really fucked up on painkillers back in the day when I was strung out on them, rented a motel room, took a handful of pills. I remember opening the door to the motel room, smiling, grabbing his cock, laying down on the bed, him penetrating me, then waking up 6 or 7 hrs later because I had fallen dead asleep. I miscalculated and took to many. LOL. I look back on that and laugh. He was understandably not happy, as that was defo not an ego pleaser, but what the hell, perhaps any men reading this can know how WE women feel sometimes? lol.
Anyway, Dave never wanted to be gay, insisted he was not, but that one time in the motel room was the only time I remember him being able to get it up without his cock being sucked for an hour or more, plus the potential promise of anal sex. The thing is he was never really turned on by pussy, and I'm not into anal sex, so the times we fucked I had to be spun so I could suck his cock for a couple hours before he proceeded to fuck me. That's why I insist that he's secretly always been gay, though he didn't want to be. He eventually married and had a son, adopted another son, the one his wife gave birth to from getting knocked up by another man during the time they were divorced (and later remarried.)
Well we remained good friends over the years, but I cut out the sex part over 14 years ago. Now during this time up until a little over 2 years ago, he would escape like me through meth. When he got his wife knocked up some 13 years ago, his folks gave him a large 3 bedroom house. He's never had to work or pay rent or support his family. I admit to having secretly resenting the hell out of him because I thought he had it too easy. He had no source of income, so obviously his folks paid his food, utilities, cars, and toys, yet he claimed to be constantly miserable. "Dude if you're miserable then why don't you get a job?" Well he did a couple different times one for a year, another for maybe 6 months, but he still didn't have to pay rent. His son was in alot of movies until the past year when he became to ill to drive his son all over timbukto.
At the time I was getting loaded, all I wanted was the freedom to get loaded without hassle, but I always had to cover my rent, food, and whatever else I wanted. The problem of course was that there were times during my active addiction that I couldn't cover rent, which wasn't a huge hassle when I happened to be employed. I had been a nomad living in my car, motels, drug houses, or occasionally crashing at Mom's. I loved the freedom and my bank account wasn't constantly dwindling, as rent has always cost me even more than my dope habit. During the times when I was homeless with no job however, was a living fucking nightmare. For a period of a year, I had lived in the spare bedroom of Dave's and paid the cheap rent of $250/month, plus he got all kinds of free meth.
The money he got from me was his only income, we partied, we got along, but he still kicked me out after a year saying he wanted the house to himself. My habit prevented me from working full time and rent elsewhere was too high so when he kicked me I had nowhere to go. So when he claimed depression and being broke, I secretly resented him like hell. I would have given my left tit to be in the situation he had. Hell I didn't even mind working, but to be put up rent free, to shoot meth and write to my heart's content was my definition of heaven. Recently a normie friend of mine pointed out that the reason he kicked me out was because I refused to fuck him. Da. That never even occured to me, but I think she was right. Now he's depressed that his wife has refused to fuck him for 3 years. I never said anything, but perhaps the next time he brings it up, I'll gently suggest that "Dude don't take this the wrong way or anything, but maybe the reason your wife doesn't want to have sex with you is because when you have sex, at least with us, it was all about you."
The state he's in now, however not having sex is the least of his worries. I've asked him repeatedly to come to NA with me, but he refused. The one time he went was on my first year clean date, and he liked it, but refused to come back. It's literally 2 houses from where he lives, he doesn't work, there is no reason why he can't go! So instead, he sits in his house, getting more and more depressed, getting fatter, his diabetes way out of control, trapped by his own misery. He's dying and I got a phone call from my sponsor, she suggested telling him, "Dude you're dying, I love you, your kids love you I'm taking you to an NA meeting!" I will try one more time tomorrow after the meeting, but he will never go to a meeting. I can't help but think he chooses to be miserable, but as my sponsor pointed out, when you're that depressed, you see no way out. Sigh. I remember those days well.
I had asked God to remove the obsession with drugs and 2 weeks later I got busted, spent 17 days in the slammer and when I was out of jail the obsession was simply gone. Just like that after 25 years. It's not that I don't think about drugs and miss the glorius highs, but it's not like before where I HAD to have them and my mind wouldn't leave me alone until I scored. So I took 2 years on Dec 21st and although I still get frustrated wondering how the hell am I going to get through life, it's just a day at a time, like the program says. I love being able to spend time with my Mom, my family, my friends, and be there for people. I also like the fact I feel good about the fact that while I was a shitty employee the first year and a half of this job, I've been a very good employee the last 2 years I've worked there. That is an amends to the company I work for, even though they never knew about my addiction.
I feel so much better after talking to my sponsor for about an hour. She's glad that I'm really feeling good about living in the solution due to my chronic fatigue which I believe is because of all the weight I gained in recovery and borderline diabetes. God and NA gave me the strength to do something about losing more weight by giving me the desire to eat healthy. I went to the store yesterday and bought salad, veggies, fruit, and 100 calorie cookie or cracker bags (one a day if I want) for a snack. I haven't had the jones for the wrong foods. I attribute that to prayer. Anyway, I got to get going. Got to grab me a bowl of veggie stew before heading off for work.
Dave had had a 7 year love affair with a fucked up crack head named Kirk who was also a chronic liar and cleptomaniac. After he called it quits with Kirk, he never went with another man, claiming that that time in his life was "just a phase." I have fond memories of Dave partying with mushrooms, LSD, pot, hash, and later meth, and for me painkillers. I had been really fucked up on painkillers back in the day when I was strung out on them, rented a motel room, took a handful of pills. I remember opening the door to the motel room, smiling, grabbing his cock, laying down on the bed, him penetrating me, then waking up 6 or 7 hrs later because I had fallen dead asleep. I miscalculated and took to many. LOL. I look back on that and laugh. He was understandably not happy, as that was defo not an ego pleaser, but what the hell, perhaps any men reading this can know how WE women feel sometimes? lol.
Anyway, Dave never wanted to be gay, insisted he was not, but that one time in the motel room was the only time I remember him being able to get it up without his cock being sucked for an hour or more, plus the potential promise of anal sex. The thing is he was never really turned on by pussy, and I'm not into anal sex, so the times we fucked I had to be spun so I could suck his cock for a couple hours before he proceeded to fuck me. That's why I insist that he's secretly always been gay, though he didn't want to be. He eventually married and had a son, adopted another son, the one his wife gave birth to from getting knocked up by another man during the time they were divorced (and later remarried.)
Well we remained good friends over the years, but I cut out the sex part over 14 years ago. Now during this time up until a little over 2 years ago, he would escape like me through meth. When he got his wife knocked up some 13 years ago, his folks gave him a large 3 bedroom house. He's never had to work or pay rent or support his family. I admit to having secretly resenting the hell out of him because I thought he had it too easy. He had no source of income, so obviously his folks paid his food, utilities, cars, and toys, yet he claimed to be constantly miserable. "Dude if you're miserable then why don't you get a job?" Well he did a couple different times one for a year, another for maybe 6 months, but he still didn't have to pay rent. His son was in alot of movies until the past year when he became to ill to drive his son all over timbukto.
At the time I was getting loaded, all I wanted was the freedom to get loaded without hassle, but I always had to cover my rent, food, and whatever else I wanted. The problem of course was that there were times during my active addiction that I couldn't cover rent, which wasn't a huge hassle when I happened to be employed. I had been a nomad living in my car, motels, drug houses, or occasionally crashing at Mom's. I loved the freedom and my bank account wasn't constantly dwindling, as rent has always cost me even more than my dope habit. During the times when I was homeless with no job however, was a living fucking nightmare. For a period of a year, I had lived in the spare bedroom of Dave's and paid the cheap rent of $250/month, plus he got all kinds of free meth.
The money he got from me was his only income, we partied, we got along, but he still kicked me out after a year saying he wanted the house to himself. My habit prevented me from working full time and rent elsewhere was too high so when he kicked me I had nowhere to go. So when he claimed depression and being broke, I secretly resented him like hell. I would have given my left tit to be in the situation he had. Hell I didn't even mind working, but to be put up rent free, to shoot meth and write to my heart's content was my definition of heaven. Recently a normie friend of mine pointed out that the reason he kicked me out was because I refused to fuck him. Da. That never even occured to me, but I think she was right. Now he's depressed that his wife has refused to fuck him for 3 years. I never said anything, but perhaps the next time he brings it up, I'll gently suggest that "Dude don't take this the wrong way or anything, but maybe the reason your wife doesn't want to have sex with you is because when you have sex, at least with us, it was all about you."
The state he's in now, however not having sex is the least of his worries. I've asked him repeatedly to come to NA with me, but he refused. The one time he went was on my first year clean date, and he liked it, but refused to come back. It's literally 2 houses from where he lives, he doesn't work, there is no reason why he can't go! So instead, he sits in his house, getting more and more depressed, getting fatter, his diabetes way out of control, trapped by his own misery. He's dying and I got a phone call from my sponsor, she suggested telling him, "Dude you're dying, I love you, your kids love you I'm taking you to an NA meeting!" I will try one more time tomorrow after the meeting, but he will never go to a meeting. I can't help but think he chooses to be miserable, but as my sponsor pointed out, when you're that depressed, you see no way out. Sigh. I remember those days well.
I had asked God to remove the obsession with drugs and 2 weeks later I got busted, spent 17 days in the slammer and when I was out of jail the obsession was simply gone. Just like that after 25 years. It's not that I don't think about drugs and miss the glorius highs, but it's not like before where I HAD to have them and my mind wouldn't leave me alone until I scored. So I took 2 years on Dec 21st and although I still get frustrated wondering how the hell am I going to get through life, it's just a day at a time, like the program says. I love being able to spend time with my Mom, my family, my friends, and be there for people. I also like the fact I feel good about the fact that while I was a shitty employee the first year and a half of this job, I've been a very good employee the last 2 years I've worked there. That is an amends to the company I work for, even though they never knew about my addiction.
I feel so much better after talking to my sponsor for about an hour. She's glad that I'm really feeling good about living in the solution due to my chronic fatigue which I believe is because of all the weight I gained in recovery and borderline diabetes. God and NA gave me the strength to do something about losing more weight by giving me the desire to eat healthy. I went to the store yesterday and bought salad, veggies, fruit, and 100 calorie cookie or cracker bags (one a day if I want) for a snack. I haven't had the jones for the wrong foods. I attribute that to prayer. Anyway, I got to get going. Got to grab me a bowl of veggie stew before heading off for work.
shat all over the outside of his pants and didn't go home but tracked poo all over the place(yea this really did happen)
I went to see Josh Phillips Folk Festival last night at the Neighborhood Theatre in Charlotte. I went, as always, with the hope of finding Psychs. There was a guy who was at some other shows I've been to who was selling chocolate covered shroom candy, I happened to be standing the farthest away in my group of friends and others when it "went down" so I didn't get to get any from him. I had to practically beg my friend J. to sell me one of his two that he bought. He sold me half of one. There was probably about 1/16 oz of shrooms in each of those chocolates (not worth what we paid). I had a nice little trip that probably lasted about 45 minutes and was feeling good for the rest of the night. The show was very good, JPFF are a really talented group of musicians. The sax player from "Yo Mamas Big Fat Booty Band" played a bunch of songs with them. It was a really nice night.
So today I got a call from my friend that he had some quality green going for grabs, so I nipped over in happy anticipation of the right kind of THC. There is a connection in the feel of this JW-018 and good old herb. But it really is not the same profile at all. The duration of the drugs effects seem more drawn out. Like the smoke will hit you mentally full on say half an hour after a joint, and then leave you in a state of mild confusion, and anxiety, for up to 8 hours afterwards. This is why I'd be interested if Spice Gold's manufacturers actually have real customers who have given up the herb for one of their products. I strongly suspect that in the long term, not. So after a couple of hours at A-------s house, I'm back here and feeling more conventionally stoned.
Christmas was OK. My M+D have been unwell with flu over the period, so my brothers prepared the Christmas dinner between them Me and P were at her M+D for Christmas Eve/Morning, and we went to mine in the afternoon. Bro No1 had gone home to his new flat by the time we got there so I was sad to have missed him. I think that he wasn't really buying the Christmas cheer bit, what with still being chewed up over his relationship split and turmoil. Bro 2 and his Mrs are undergoing fertility treatments at the moment so fingers crossed for them. Bro No3 is in a sticky spot with his other half. He's 28 and she 38. She has had some uterine problem that has been checked out and requires a full hysterectomy. The implications and worries surrounding all this a fizzling as we speak. She is Sardinian and so has found it tricky to negotiate the medical jargon in this country, which has not been helped by the fact that the consultants have been confused themselves as to what exactly it is that they are dealing with. I went to the football with all three brothers on the 28th for a cold and fairly tedious match lost against Altringham. I agreed to attend at least one further game in the future on the promise it wouldn't be as bad as the one just witnessed.
In the week after Christmas I naughtily treated myself to a couple of things off my Christmas list which hadn't materialised. One was the DVD box for 'The Young Ones' tv series and the other was a bass amp. Yes I finally bought one of my own after borrowing/stealing/scrounging other peoples amps for most of my playing career. Part of me feels that as a musician, all I should have to offer is my groove, or what-have-you, and that overheads like amps, strings, leads, should be provided by the National Health service or some such body. Now I have a 300Watt Ashdown amp with that nice Sub Bass feature which I learned to love on the model I previously borrowed. If I sit on it and start grooving, my vision goes blurred. It is so crisply powerfull that it makes quietly caressed high notes sing out with sweet clarity, and deep riffage that would make the current Pope shuffle his feet.
P and me are good together. We are loving well and though things are going to be routine for a few months, we are looking forward to an adventure to Peru in November. We have started saving. She has helped me sort my money out a bit with a good 0% credit card , while I've started a savings account for the holiday. I plan to put as much money as I don't spend on Marijuana over the next few months into it. As soon as I crop this grow I'll start the next crop growing. Trouble is, although I have loved the Dutch Passion White Widdow strain each time I have grown it in the past, it takes so long to flower. Worth the wait, surely, for quality and quantity sake. The same can be said for the Blueberry, a different but equally charming smoke. I would like a quicker turnaround. These baby's have will have taken just short of three months from seed to reefer. I would like to grow another two crops before November so that I could pay of my credit card AND save for our proposed South American adventure.
Christmas was OK. My M+D have been unwell with flu over the period, so my brothers prepared the Christmas dinner between them Me and P were at her M+D for Christmas Eve/Morning, and we went to mine in the afternoon. Bro No1 had gone home to his new flat by the time we got there so I was sad to have missed him. I think that he wasn't really buying the Christmas cheer bit, what with still being chewed up over his relationship split and turmoil. Bro 2 and his Mrs are undergoing fertility treatments at the moment so fingers crossed for them. Bro No3 is in a sticky spot with his other half. He's 28 and she 38. She has had some uterine problem that has been checked out and requires a full hysterectomy. The implications and worries surrounding all this a fizzling as we speak. She is Sardinian and so has found it tricky to negotiate the medical jargon in this country, which has not been helped by the fact that the consultants have been confused themselves as to what exactly it is that they are dealing with. I went to the football with all three brothers on the 28th for a cold and fairly tedious match lost against Altringham. I agreed to attend at least one further game in the future on the promise it wouldn't be as bad as the one just witnessed.
In the week after Christmas I naughtily treated myself to a couple of things off my Christmas list which hadn't materialised. One was the DVD box for 'The Young Ones' tv series and the other was a bass amp. Yes I finally bought one of my own after borrowing/stealing/scrounging other peoples amps for most of my playing career. Part of me feels that as a musician, all I should have to offer is my groove, or what-have-you, and that overheads like amps, strings, leads, should be provided by the National Health service or some such body. Now I have a 300Watt Ashdown amp with that nice Sub Bass feature which I learned to love on the model I previously borrowed. If I sit on it and start grooving, my vision goes blurred. It is so crisply powerfull that it makes quietly caressed high notes sing out with sweet clarity, and deep riffage that would make the current Pope shuffle his feet.
P and me are good together. We are loving well and though things are going to be routine for a few months, we are looking forward to an adventure to Peru in November. We have started saving. She has helped me sort my money out a bit with a good 0% credit card , while I've started a savings account for the holiday. I plan to put as much money as I don't spend on Marijuana over the next few months into it. As soon as I crop this grow I'll start the next crop growing. Trouble is, although I have loved the Dutch Passion White Widdow strain each time I have grown it in the past, it takes so long to flower. Worth the wait, surely, for quality and quantity sake. The same can be said for the Blueberry, a different but equally charming smoke. I would like a quicker turnaround. These baby's have will have taken just short of three months from seed to reefer. I would like to grow another two crops before November so that I could pay of my credit card AND save for our proposed South American adventure.
A week into the new year and there is very little weed around. This is doubly frustrating since my own crop of 5 White Widdow plants is now maybe 10 days away from cropping. The garage/office space is now filled with the aroma of the nice chunky white buds with their dense trichomes, which are going crazy. When I cleared out the dead fan leaves lower down the plants today, I came away sticky and fragrant. Two of the plants are less mature so I'll give them another week and some more food, but in two days I will flush with pure water for a week to wash out the system before I crop the three that are ready. There is a real pleasure in the period of self sufficiency achieved after a good crop. No more messing around chasing odd bits from people. I tend to relax considerably and get more creative sometimes, when I don't have to waste time and energy finding a smoke. Plus my bank balance recovers quite pleasantly from not buying.
No, since around Christmas, I have kept a backup of some herbal weed alternative or other. My local head shop were selling what they called 'Gold' blend. I asked them if this was the 'Spice Gold' about which I head read bits about here on Bluelight, and they said not. It had some kind of effect, but nothing much. I begin to suspect that the nightly ritual and process of smoking itself may have an unconscious role in the induction of sleep, irrespective of whether there is much of a psychoactive ingredient present. It just gave me a dry mouth and made my eyes a bit hard to focus. I boosted it with a double dose of Kalms brand sleepers. They have valerian as a listed ingredient and have some kind of enhancing effect on my dreams.
Then I took the plunge and ordered Spice Gold over the internet. It too was disappointingly mild, but there was something slightly weedlike about it to my mind. I wasn't sure, but I felt it lacked some of my favorite things that the real thing has. But, it was mild enough not to worry about. I reordered the strongest formulation that I could find for a later rematch. By that point I had read that there was evidence that JH-018 was the active synthetic cannabinoid contained in the blend. This encouraged in me some kind of perhaps foolish bravado, based on the assumption that it must therefore be a weaker THC analogue. I rolled a couple of big ones one night when I was completely without weed or hash, and proceded to smoke them while reading Private Eye magazine before bed, I think it was last wednesday night. I was 3/4 through the second joint where I simply had to acknowledge a fact that had been nudging towards me for the passed hour. I was extremely stoned indeed. Yes, no doubt about that. Tricky on my pins. Squinting hard to read the printed word. It was not the familliar ground of THC that I found myself in though. It was a colder and less welcoming vista. Minor hallucinatory visual seemed to give things a shimmer but in a naturalistic way, rather than a phosphorescent way. I begin to giggle to myself about how surprising it was to find myself so peculiarly stoned. I had got, thankfully, a hot cup of tea to hand because I was getting a chronically dry mouth.
I imagined some chemistry boffin tinkering slightly with the proposed structure of a hypothetical THC analogue, ala Shulgin or Nichols. Except this guy just happened to have succesfully suppressed all known euphoric properties of the original, and even intensified the dysphoric. And since it was unlikey to be very abusable, some enterprising individual is able to market it as an 'incense' and 'not intended for human ingestion'. When I say it intensified the dysphoric, this was not clear all the time. I had some interesting trains of thought which made me think, yes this is somehow a bit satistying to me. However, after I had gone to bed, I heard P on the phone downstairs. She was talking to one of her friends who has just had a little boy by the name of Eli. For some reason my imagination played havoc with what I was hearing, and I kept thinking she was talking about me. The old faithfull rational part of my mind was saying, whoa there, you're getting paranoid matey, but even it was a little unsure for a moment. I have never experienced what I would classify as intrusive paranoid stuff on my favorite smoke, ever. I know it has bad effects in that department for some, but THC has not done so for me, and I have puffed my way through a staggeringly and some might say pitifully large amount over the years. No I have always enjoyed my herb with a happy heart. Occasionally I have had reason to curse the propensity for idleness it causes me, but in general I have given it the thumbs up through the ups and the downs.
But, here is JW-018 and its given me a dose of paranoia, and my mouth is as dry as the inside of Ghandi's flip flop. As I layed there in bed I went on to have a full on panic attack, the like of which I have never had before. The paranoid thoughts reached a crescendo of pointless gnashing of 'what if's and other self loathing nonsense that seemed to suddenly embody themselves in my minds eye, and my breathing became shallow and fast. I realised what I was sort of doing to myself, in a way, and started to rationalise and batten down. I took control of my breathing and calmed myself. But the application of this conscious control was not connected directly to my autonomic nervous systen whose response was in a time lag of 30 seconds or so it seemed. Because my heart beat began to ramp up frighteningly and I could feel the very sudden strong jerks of that poor muscle in my chest. And I felt that each breath was scarcely enough to deliver the oxygen I needed. I was really quite scared at that point. I almost gave P a shout if only just for her to hold me until it settled down, but I felt some shame at having got so foolishly walloped by some shady internet herb which I only took because I couldn't handle the thought of going a day without inhaling some funky thing or other. No I sat it out. Two possible options. It calms down and I get some sleep, or my heart bursts, or some equivalent sequelae of events. It turns out I was able to get some sleep of the non permanent kind. But not great sleep. Not just a terrible dry mouth, but reduced moisture in all mucosal tissues of the face. Meaning I woke up with a face full of sticky bogies and eyes like pissholes in the snow. I didn't properly occupy either the world of the awake or that of the asleep, during the whole night, but something in my bodyclock clicked at 4.53 am, as it invariably does just now and I got up for work on autopilot. I felt bad, not properly mentally located. All the machine like behaviours were intact although occasionly a little clumsier. At work, my error rate was better than usual when sorting, perhaps because I was trying hard not to fuck up. Socially I could have got on normally until at the end of a chat with A---y about guitars or something he looked up from what he was doing and caught my eye - 'You look like you've had a rough night pal.' To which I could only mumble some kind of token of agreement. After that I bumbled on frequently troubled by the question 'did what I just say make sense?' etc.
No, since around Christmas, I have kept a backup of some herbal weed alternative or other. My local head shop were selling what they called 'Gold' blend. I asked them if this was the 'Spice Gold' about which I head read bits about here on Bluelight, and they said not. It had some kind of effect, but nothing much. I begin to suspect that the nightly ritual and process of smoking itself may have an unconscious role in the induction of sleep, irrespective of whether there is much of a psychoactive ingredient present. It just gave me a dry mouth and made my eyes a bit hard to focus. I boosted it with a double dose of Kalms brand sleepers. They have valerian as a listed ingredient and have some kind of enhancing effect on my dreams.
Then I took the plunge and ordered Spice Gold over the internet. It too was disappointingly mild, but there was something slightly weedlike about it to my mind. I wasn't sure, but I felt it lacked some of my favorite things that the real thing has. But, it was mild enough not to worry about. I reordered the strongest formulation that I could find for a later rematch. By that point I had read that there was evidence that JH-018 was the active synthetic cannabinoid contained in the blend. This encouraged in me some kind of perhaps foolish bravado, based on the assumption that it must therefore be a weaker THC analogue. I rolled a couple of big ones one night when I was completely without weed or hash, and proceded to smoke them while reading Private Eye magazine before bed, I think it was last wednesday night. I was 3/4 through the second joint where I simply had to acknowledge a fact that had been nudging towards me for the passed hour. I was extremely stoned indeed. Yes, no doubt about that. Tricky on my pins. Squinting hard to read the printed word. It was not the familliar ground of THC that I found myself in though. It was a colder and less welcoming vista. Minor hallucinatory visual seemed to give things a shimmer but in a naturalistic way, rather than a phosphorescent way. I begin to giggle to myself about how surprising it was to find myself so peculiarly stoned. I had got, thankfully, a hot cup of tea to hand because I was getting a chronically dry mouth.
I imagined some chemistry boffin tinkering slightly with the proposed structure of a hypothetical THC analogue, ala Shulgin or Nichols. Except this guy just happened to have succesfully suppressed all known euphoric properties of the original, and even intensified the dysphoric. And since it was unlikey to be very abusable, some enterprising individual is able to market it as an 'incense' and 'not intended for human ingestion'. When I say it intensified the dysphoric, this was not clear all the time. I had some interesting trains of thought which made me think, yes this is somehow a bit satistying to me. However, after I had gone to bed, I heard P on the phone downstairs. She was talking to one of her friends who has just had a little boy by the name of Eli. For some reason my imagination played havoc with what I was hearing, and I kept thinking she was talking about me. The old faithfull rational part of my mind was saying, whoa there, you're getting paranoid matey, but even it was a little unsure for a moment. I have never experienced what I would classify as intrusive paranoid stuff on my favorite smoke, ever. I know it has bad effects in that department for some, but THC has not done so for me, and I have puffed my way through a staggeringly and some might say pitifully large amount over the years. No I have always enjoyed my herb with a happy heart. Occasionally I have had reason to curse the propensity for idleness it causes me, but in general I have given it the thumbs up through the ups and the downs.
But, here is JW-018 and its given me a dose of paranoia, and my mouth is as dry as the inside of Ghandi's flip flop. As I layed there in bed I went on to have a full on panic attack, the like of which I have never had before. The paranoid thoughts reached a crescendo of pointless gnashing of 'what if's and other self loathing nonsense that seemed to suddenly embody themselves in my minds eye, and my breathing became shallow and fast. I realised what I was sort of doing to myself, in a way, and started to rationalise and batten down. I took control of my breathing and calmed myself. But the application of this conscious control was not connected directly to my autonomic nervous systen whose response was in a time lag of 30 seconds or so it seemed. Because my heart beat began to ramp up frighteningly and I could feel the very sudden strong jerks of that poor muscle in my chest. And I felt that each breath was scarcely enough to deliver the oxygen I needed. I was really quite scared at that point. I almost gave P a shout if only just for her to hold me until it settled down, but I felt some shame at having got so foolishly walloped by some shady internet herb which I only took because I couldn't handle the thought of going a day without inhaling some funky thing or other. No I sat it out. Two possible options. It calms down and I get some sleep, or my heart bursts, or some equivalent sequelae of events. It turns out I was able to get some sleep of the non permanent kind. But not great sleep. Not just a terrible dry mouth, but reduced moisture in all mucosal tissues of the face. Meaning I woke up with a face full of sticky bogies and eyes like pissholes in the snow. I didn't properly occupy either the world of the awake or that of the asleep, during the whole night, but something in my bodyclock clicked at 4.53 am, as it invariably does just now and I got up for work on autopilot. I felt bad, not properly mentally located. All the machine like behaviours were intact although occasionly a little clumsier. At work, my error rate was better than usual when sorting, perhaps because I was trying hard not to fuck up. Socially I could have got on normally until at the end of a chat with A---y about guitars or something he looked up from what he was doing and caught my eye - 'You look like you've had a rough night pal.' To which I could only mumble some kind of token of agreement. After that I bumbled on frequently troubled by the question 'did what I just say make sense?' etc.
But do it with a sexy voice and lots of heavy breathing
Comments allowed, NOT moderated replies
Comments allowed, NOT moderated replies
What the hell good is an upgrade if you don't have all the same features the older version had? The idea is to add to, not take away from! But hell, the rest of the world never really did see my point of view, but whatever. I always say, if it's not broken, don't fix it! I'm frustrated because I am a writer and I was in the middle of getting all my old writing off the server and my now I can't until BL makes it available.
It feels good not having to work Thursday afternoon in addition to my Thurs graveyard shift again this week. I was grateful as hell for the extra shift there for a while to be sure. Still, this chronic fatigue really sucks ass. Mom asked me if I wanted to take up yoga class, and I can't. Working 4 nights and 1 day, plus 2 or 3 NA meetings a week right now is all I can do. I flaked out on the Monday night meeting again. I go to bed at about 1pm after work Mondays and am too tired to get up at 6pm to go to the meeting at 7pm. I sat down and had a long talk with Mom yesterday. Tomorrow after I get off work, I'm going shopping for veggies, salad, fruits, and lean cuisine dinners, plus some nutritious candy bars for snacks. I've gotten rid of the junk food.
I was a crystal meth and painkiller addict for 25 years and gained 100 fucking lbs once I got clean a little over 2 years ago. Although I lost about 30 lbs, I'm still like 70 lbs overweight.
It's my sincere hope that after about 6 or 8 weeks, the life style change in diet will cure the fatigue and correct the borderline, if not already diabetic disorder. I'd asked the Doc if it turns out that I am diabetic do I have to take shots or pills? She said no, so that means that healthy food will be my medicine. At this point, although I HATE the extra weight I've been carrying around, it's not even about the vanity anymore. At least, vanity is number 2, not number 1. I simply want my energy back! I've had enough. Fuckin junk food isn't worth it. For reasons I don't really understand, everytime in the past my thinking insisted that I was doomed to repeat bad eating habits and overeat, getting fat again.
Still, this time, I've done alot of prayers and meditation, living in the solution means doing it out of self love, instead of self hate and fear like I did in the past. I'm not getting on the scale every week so I don't obsess on what I weigh, but change to sensible eating habits. One thing I feel God has done for me so far is take away the cravings for the wrong food and to want to overeat, which is a trip. So, tomorrow once I have the fridge and cabinets stored with only healthy food, that will clinch the deal. My hope is to control the diabetes, get my energy back, and finally lose all this fucking extra weight. It's a burden carrying it around. It will be nice too, to get my beauty back because I haven't lost my looks other than this damn weight.
The main thing is I want peace of mind, which I always have so long as I'm living in the solution. I have to make copies of all my bills and fill out all these forms for the student loan people too. I have to get going on asking work for a copy of my resume too, I've been dragging my heels about asking. The plan is to have a revised copy and look around for other work online. I'll put my resume on Monster and a few other job sites, plus send out copies and a cover letter to some major hospitals and universites close to home. I don't know how well the hunt will go, but I've always found it's much easier to look for work when I'm in no real hurry to find a job. I've asked God repeatedly to relieve me of my 2 most destructive defects, procrastination and laziness.
Part of the laziness will subside once I get some physical energy back, but also sometimes I procrastinate is out of fear. Other times I just plan don't want to do shit. I've suffered from that problem my entire life, and as bad as it is now, I've accomplished more shit in the past couple of years than I have in my entire life. I spoke to my sponsor briefly tonight. I told her I'm having a bit of trouble writing letters of amends to Tony the pony (birth father) and his sister Diane, my biological aunt. My sponsor reminded me part of the purpose of writing these letters is to forgive them, even if they choose not to forgive me, and believe me they won't. It's all good, although I find it amuzing at times the family acts like Tony walks on fucking water even though he's done nothing but make his living by not working and using women, or robbing armoured trucks, lol.
I feel very lucky to have been spared being raised around those people, but there is a definite fuck up gene carried by the Tarantinos and I inherited it, but the difference is that I'm doing my best most of the time to clean up my act. Laziness runs on the Baker side too, though, lol. I love Mom to bits. She's always been funny, artistic, exceptionally intelligent, but most of all, people smart. She's also always been a knock out looks wise, even when she got fat. She's still young and beautiful looking. She's carried around this sure confidence in herself all her life which is why she's been so successful, that and her people smarts.
I got an email from Dave today. He says he's going in for his quaduple bypass surgery. He's paranoid that maybe he won't make it because he has too many things wrong with him. Truthfully, I think he has about a 50-50 chance of making it. He's probably at least 130 lbs overweight, he's diabetic, quit taking his insulin for lack of money again, (sigh) there are multiple clots around his pancreas which the blood thinners apparently aren't helping, his arteries are about 95% blocked, fuck. He kind of sent this sad letter:
Hi all,
It looks like the date for my surgery is Jan 12th @ 7:30 am (ST. Jude Hospital - Fullerton, Ca).
It is my understanding that after the operation I will be unavailable for visitors for 2 days (except for immediate family) so instead of coming down to the hospital, we figured the best way for finding out my status is to pass along a few contact numbers:
Also...if there are any updates...Robin will be sending out an email updating everyone at the same time.
See you on the other side,
David
I felt sad reading this and responded with:
Hey what's up, just got your email. I hope all goes well for you ok. You'll be in my prayers. I don't get to talk to you that much and sorry you couldn't make the meeting in December, we missed you. Maybe I'll drop by early Sunday afternoon after my meeting, the day before your surgery ok. I honestly hope that you find the peace of mind that I finally found a couple years ago. Take care and God bless. Sigh....
Love,Tanya
P. S. I'm sure everything will go well, but for whatever reason I don't see you again after the 12th, thankyou for 30 years of friendship, and when both our lives are finished I'll see you on the other side.
I had to say goodbye in case he doesn't make it
. My depression has lifted a little bit. I'm sure the change of diet will help if for no other reason than having more energy.
It feels good not having to work Thursday afternoon in addition to my Thurs graveyard shift again this week. I was grateful as hell for the extra shift there for a while to be sure. Still, this chronic fatigue really sucks ass. Mom asked me if I wanted to take up yoga class, and I can't. Working 4 nights and 1 day, plus 2 or 3 NA meetings a week right now is all I can do. I flaked out on the Monday night meeting again. I go to bed at about 1pm after work Mondays and am too tired to get up at 6pm to go to the meeting at 7pm. I sat down and had a long talk with Mom yesterday. Tomorrow after I get off work, I'm going shopping for veggies, salad, fruits, and lean cuisine dinners, plus some nutritious candy bars for snacks. I've gotten rid of the junk food.
I was a crystal meth and painkiller addict for 25 years and gained 100 fucking lbs once I got clean a little over 2 years ago. Although I lost about 30 lbs, I'm still like 70 lbs overweight.
It's my sincere hope that after about 6 or 8 weeks, the life style change in diet will cure the fatigue and correct the borderline, if not already diabetic disorder. I'd asked the Doc if it turns out that I am diabetic do I have to take shots or pills? She said no, so that means that healthy food will be my medicine. At this point, although I HATE the extra weight I've been carrying around, it's not even about the vanity anymore. At least, vanity is number 2, not number 1. I simply want my energy back! I've had enough. Fuckin junk food isn't worth it. For reasons I don't really understand, everytime in the past my thinking insisted that I was doomed to repeat bad eating habits and overeat, getting fat again.
Still, this time, I've done alot of prayers and meditation, living in the solution means doing it out of self love, instead of self hate and fear like I did in the past. I'm not getting on the scale every week so I don't obsess on what I weigh, but change to sensible eating habits. One thing I feel God has done for me so far is take away the cravings for the wrong food and to want to overeat, which is a trip. So, tomorrow once I have the fridge and cabinets stored with only healthy food, that will clinch the deal. My hope is to control the diabetes, get my energy back, and finally lose all this fucking extra weight. It's a burden carrying it around. It will be nice too, to get my beauty back because I haven't lost my looks other than this damn weight.
The main thing is I want peace of mind, which I always have so long as I'm living in the solution. I have to make copies of all my bills and fill out all these forms for the student loan people too. I have to get going on asking work for a copy of my resume too, I've been dragging my heels about asking. The plan is to have a revised copy and look around for other work online. I'll put my resume on Monster and a few other job sites, plus send out copies and a cover letter to some major hospitals and universites close to home. I don't know how well the hunt will go, but I've always found it's much easier to look for work when I'm in no real hurry to find a job. I've asked God repeatedly to relieve me of my 2 most destructive defects, procrastination and laziness.
Part of the laziness will subside once I get some physical energy back, but also sometimes I procrastinate is out of fear. Other times I just plan don't want to do shit. I've suffered from that problem my entire life, and as bad as it is now, I've accomplished more shit in the past couple of years than I have in my entire life. I spoke to my sponsor briefly tonight. I told her I'm having a bit of trouble writing letters of amends to Tony the pony (birth father) and his sister Diane, my biological aunt. My sponsor reminded me part of the purpose of writing these letters is to forgive them, even if they choose not to forgive me, and believe me they won't. It's all good, although I find it amuzing at times the family acts like Tony walks on fucking water even though he's done nothing but make his living by not working and using women, or robbing armoured trucks, lol.
I feel very lucky to have been spared being raised around those people, but there is a definite fuck up gene carried by the Tarantinos and I inherited it, but the difference is that I'm doing my best most of the time to clean up my act. Laziness runs on the Baker side too, though, lol. I love Mom to bits. She's always been funny, artistic, exceptionally intelligent, but most of all, people smart. She's also always been a knock out looks wise, even when she got fat. She's still young and beautiful looking. She's carried around this sure confidence in herself all her life which is why she's been so successful, that and her people smarts.
I got an email from Dave today. He says he's going in for his quaduple bypass surgery. He's paranoid that maybe he won't make it because he has too many things wrong with him. Truthfully, I think he has about a 50-50 chance of making it. He's probably at least 130 lbs overweight, he's diabetic, quit taking his insulin for lack of money again, (sigh) there are multiple clots around his pancreas which the blood thinners apparently aren't helping, his arteries are about 95% blocked, fuck. He kind of sent this sad letter:
Hi all,
It looks like the date for my surgery is Jan 12th @ 7:30 am (ST. Jude Hospital - Fullerton, Ca).
It is my understanding that after the operation I will be unavailable for visitors for 2 days (except for immediate family) so instead of coming down to the hospital, we figured the best way for finding out my status is to pass along a few contact numbers:
Also...if there are any updates...Robin will be sending out an email updating everyone at the same time.
See you on the other side,
David
I felt sad reading this and responded with:
Hey what's up, just got your email. I hope all goes well for you ok. You'll be in my prayers. I don't get to talk to you that much and sorry you couldn't make the meeting in December, we missed you. Maybe I'll drop by early Sunday afternoon after my meeting, the day before your surgery ok. I honestly hope that you find the peace of mind that I finally found a couple years ago. Take care and God bless. Sigh....
Love,Tanya
P. S. I'm sure everything will go well, but for whatever reason I don't see you again after the 12th, thankyou for 30 years of friendship, and when both our lives are finished I'll see you on the other side.
I had to say goodbye in case he doesn't make it
. My depression has lifted a little bit. I'm sure the change of diet will help if for no other reason than having more energy.
Its 3:15 in the morning. I've had nothing to drink and I JUST CAN'T SLEEP.
Note to self... Pick up an OTC sleep aid and call the doctor to see what I can do about this restless leg thingy
When I'm laying here my right leg twitches violently, popping off the mattress rather significantly over and over and over. Its like some invisible trouble maker is testing my reflexes with one of those rubber mallets but instead of my lower leg just kicking up it adds a twitch in the middle of the kick
Soooo, I roll onto my stomach and the same thing happens.
Alas, yes, the same thing happens when I lay on my side.
Its a minor annoyance compared to other symptoms that can be had but its driving me crazy.
If I ever catch that invisible twerp with the rubber mallet I am going to FUCK--HIM--UP! Bastard!
Note to self... Pick up an OTC sleep aid and call the doctor to see what I can do about this restless leg thingy
When I'm laying here my right leg twitches violently, popping off the mattress rather significantly over and over and over. Its like some invisible trouble maker is testing my reflexes with one of those rubber mallets but instead of my lower leg just kicking up it adds a twitch in the middle of the kick
Soooo, I roll onto my stomach and the same thing happens.
Alas, yes, the same thing happens when I lay on my side.
Its a minor annoyance compared to other symptoms that can be had but its driving me crazy.
If I ever catch that invisible twerp with the rubber mallet I am going to FUCK--HIM--UP! Bastard!
Some people do not believe in luck. I happen to think "luck" is a very important thing to believe in.
Much of success or failure in life depends on being able to identify which opportunities have come your way through merit and which ones have come your way by pure chance. You must react to these two differently.
Because if an opportunity comes your way through luck and you delude yourself into believing that you somehow earned that opportunity, I can almost guarantee that you will fuck it up. And then you will never get another chance like that again.
You see, an opportunity come by from merit, you can afford to waste. With a little grit, you can re-create those circumstances. But luck, nah.
You see, that's my problem with women. In my life, I've lucked out a few times and ended up in relationship with women who should, by all rational calculations, be out of my league.
As a negative consequence of this, I have standards far higher than someone of my looks, personality, and income has any right to have.
For me to want to date someone, she must be thin and blonde with a personality comparable to Tallulah Bankhead.
However, someone who fit all my criteria would have to be insane to want to date me. And if they were insane, then I wouldn't want to date them anymore.
Much of success or failure in life depends on being able to identify which opportunities have come your way through merit and which ones have come your way by pure chance. You must react to these two differently.
Because if an opportunity comes your way through luck and you delude yourself into believing that you somehow earned that opportunity, I can almost guarantee that you will fuck it up. And then you will never get another chance like that again.
You see, an opportunity come by from merit, you can afford to waste. With a little grit, you can re-create those circumstances. But luck, nah.
You see, that's my problem with women. In my life, I've lucked out a few times and ended up in relationship with women who should, by all rational calculations, be out of my league.
As a negative consequence of this, I have standards far higher than someone of my looks, personality, and income has any right to have.
For me to want to date someone, she must be thin and blonde with a personality comparable to Tallulah Bankhead.
However, someone who fit all my criteria would have to be insane to want to date me. And if they were insane, then I wouldn't want to date them anymore.
Nevermind anything said. Its my fault, always was always is my fault. I need to leave BL maybe. I need to leave DS alone. Get better or GTFO, is very much the message I got tonight. Loud and clear I hear you. Go away...
Fine, rejected by someone, rejected by the DS "family". I might as well let rejection go and be a part of my life because its not changing. Rejection from the ex, Rejection from S., Rejection from my brother, Rejection from my family, Rejection from D., rejection and rejection...rejection because I'm never good enough. I'm not even good enough where its supposed to be ok not be good enough.
Am I in my self pity mode here a bit? Yes. I'm hurt, and when I'm hurt this is what happens.
I get angry, I regret getting angry because its not acceptable, and then I feel bad and then I'm just hurt by what happened, what was said. Am I deleting blogs no, not yet. Have I deleted what I said from the thread if I could, yes. Take what is said and shut the hell up, I know that one all to well.
I FEEL attacked, hurt, depressed, sad, angry...all the emotions I don't like, even on MDMA...so you win. You win. You win, even though I didn't take it to feel better, you win because I don't feel happy. Isn't that what you wanted? You win.
Fine, rejected by someone, rejected by the DS "family". I might as well let rejection go and be a part of my life because its not changing. Rejection from the ex, Rejection from S., Rejection from my brother, Rejection from my family, Rejection from D., rejection and rejection...rejection because I'm never good enough. I'm not even good enough where its supposed to be ok not be good enough.
Am I in my self pity mode here a bit? Yes. I'm hurt, and when I'm hurt this is what happens.
I get angry, I regret getting angry because its not acceptable, and then I feel bad and then I'm just hurt by what happened, what was said. Am I deleting blogs no, not yet. Have I deleted what I said from the thread if I could, yes. Take what is said and shut the hell up, I know that one all to well.
I FEEL attacked, hurt, depressed, sad, angry...all the emotions I don't like, even on MDMA...so you win. You win. You win, even though I didn't take it to feel better, you win because I don't feel happy. Isn't that what you wanted? You win.
I just had to post the lyrics to the song 'Stay Positive' by Pato Banton. Dude's got the right perspective.
-------------------
Situation in the world is crazy.
We got to stay positive.
Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive.
Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive.
Live the life you love, love the life you live
and no matter what the crisis is.
Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive.
Every time me take a little look on the T. V.
seems like the whole world gone crazy.
War, famine and poverty
people are dying continually.
So many people are getting confused
so many reasons to get in the blues.
But with a little faith in the most high's plan
it gives me strength to sing this song.
Positive! Ooh yes we have to stay positive.
Positive! No matter what the crisis is.
Positive! Even when things gone wrong.
Positive! This is the time when you got to be strong.
Positive! Black, white, pink or brown.
Positive! Live in the city or you live in the town.
Positive! Ooh yes we have to stay positive.
Positive! No matter what the crisis is.
Live the life you love, love the life you live
and no matter what the crisis is.
When there's life to live, and there's love to give
why should you be negative?
You got to stay positive!
-------------------
Situation in the world is crazy.
We got to stay positive.
Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive.
Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive.
Live the life you love, love the life you live
and no matter what the crisis is.
Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive.
Every time me take a little look on the T. V.
seems like the whole world gone crazy.
War, famine and poverty
people are dying continually.
So many people are getting confused
so many reasons to get in the blues.
But with a little faith in the most high's plan
it gives me strength to sing this song.
Positive! Ooh yes we have to stay positive.
Positive! No matter what the crisis is.
Positive! Even when things gone wrong.
Positive! This is the time when you got to be strong.
Positive! Black, white, pink or brown.
Positive! Live in the city or you live in the town.
Positive! Ooh yes we have to stay positive.
Positive! No matter what the crisis is.
Live the life you love, love the life you live
and no matter what the crisis is.
When there's life to live, and there's love to give
why should you be negative?
You got to stay positive!
I've been drinking about a 6 pack of Foster's Lager a night. Its not really a lot but the fact that it is everyday causes me to raise an eyebrow.
Also, I wasn't getting buzzed anymore so I switched to Molson XXX. This is all to familiar to me. Always chasing something to get out of myself.
Two other reasons for me stopping:
1) I NEED to be clean and happy again. (Gotta shake those fucking monkey's off my back).
2) Its not good to mix anti-depressants and alcohol. This will definitely cause more chaos in my head.
I've been clean before (two 5 year stints of recovery) so its a road I've travelled before. This time I need to walk this path with a different attitude.
My plan is to keep busy through exercise, chores that I've been putting off, work and, in the Spring, go to school for a Human Services degree that focuses on drug and alcohol treatment and prevention.
I know it will be tough at first but it will get easier.
Its time to stop running and pick up the pieces and rebuild my life.
Right now I feel motivated to do this.
I hope the motivation never leaves.
Also, I wasn't getting buzzed anymore so I switched to Molson XXX. This is all to familiar to me. Always chasing something to get out of myself.
Two other reasons for me stopping:
1) I NEED to be clean and happy again. (Gotta shake those fucking monkey's off my back).
2) Its not good to mix anti-depressants and alcohol. This will definitely cause more chaos in my head.
I've been clean before (two 5 year stints of recovery) so its a road I've travelled before. This time I need to walk this path with a different attitude.
My plan is to keep busy through exercise, chores that I've been putting off, work and, in the Spring, go to school for a Human Services degree that focuses on drug and alcohol treatment and prevention.
I know it will be tough at first but it will get easier.
Its time to stop running and pick up the pieces and rebuild my life.
Right now I feel motivated to do this.
I hope the motivation never leaves.
I did MDMA for the first time tonight. I like it. I feel good. Sadly still BL can push a button that I've had pushed one to many times and I still go off. Not that I really give a fuck at the moment. Just hate that "You're not trying" bullshit when ppl aren't here they don't know and when I actually fucking was... now time to leave BL alone and not let it ruin my damn trip
Relationships, man. They're for the birds. All this boyfriend/girlfriend business. Who needs it?
Let me tell you the trouble with relationships.
If I ever wanted to become a millionaire, I could do it. To become a millionaire, you need a million dollar idea. And I, dear readers, have one.
Let me tell you my million dollar idea.
I start a business, right? And it's called Kittens 4 Life. It's a very simple concept. You come in and sign up. There's a one-time activation fee and a monthly charge thereafter.
And after you fill out all the paperwork, you get a kitten. You go home, you play with your kitten and have a blast. Well, why would anyone pay me for that when you could just go to a pound and get one for free?
Well, you see, when the kitten grows up into a cat, you take it back to Kittens 4 Life, turn him in and then we give you another kitten.
Pretty cool, huh? Well, I've already patented the name so don't even think about it!
Now why this works is simple. Kittens are awesome. Kittens are cute. Kittens are fun. Kitten are amusing and they're amused by you. You get home and kittens are super-jazzed to see you.
But you know the only thing wrong with kittens? They grow up to be cats!
Cats are not cute. Cats are not fun and I can't think of anything less amusing than a cat. They don't come when you call them. And as long as they are well fed, they don't care wether you are home or not. They come when you call their name.
And when you come home from a long hard day at the coal mine, they don't greet you with any warmth. They just walk up and say one thing: "give". Or as they like to put it: "meow".
Gimme food. Gimme a warm lap. GIVE! And you know what happens if you don't give them what they want? They shit all over your laundry!
And that, dear readers, is the trouble with relationships.
You see, when you start seeing someone new, it's like having a new kitten. They're cute. They're fun. They're amusing and they're amused by you. They think about you when you're away and are super-jazzed to see you when you come home.
But as time goes by, things change. Needs change. The novelty wears off. One day it dawns on you, man. You're not dating a kitten anymore.
You're dating a fucking CAT!!!
They're no longer cute. They're no longer amusing and they've long since stopped being amused by you. And when you come home from a long and tiring day at the coal mine, they just walk up to you with hungry eyes and say one thing...
"GIVE!!!"
Now, dear readers, I know what you're thinking at this point. You're thinking the same two questions everyone asks me when I tell them about Kittens 4 Life. So let me go ahead and answer them.
The first question you are thinking is this: Well, why don't you do a Puppies 4 Life.
The answer is simple. It wouldn't work with dogs. You see, while puppies are certainly cuter and more fun than dogs, a dog has a few advantages over a puppy. For one, a dog is house broken whereas a puppy is not.
(Yes, a puppy will crap on your laundry but only because it doesn't that you don't want your laundry crapped upon. If it knew, it wouldn't do it. A cat, on the other hand, will crap on your laundry BECAUSE it knows you don't want it crapped on)
Secondly, a dog will come when you call it. A puppy takes a while to learn his name. And a dog eventually figures out what you do and don't like and tries his doggy best to accomodate you.
So a dog a few legs up on a puppy. Cat, however, is inferior to a kitten in every way imaginable. And that, dear reader, is why a Puppies 4 Life would not work.
And now on to the second question. The one you've been waiting 20 something paragraphs for me to answer.
Here it is:
"What do you do with the cats that get turned back in to you?"
The first few times I was presenteded with this query, I dismissed it outright. "I dunno. Kill 'em maybe. Make meat pies out of them. Invent some feline version soylent green and slang those for a few extra nickles. Who gives a shit?"
Of course, I couldn't keep the cats alive. After a while, I'd have shitloads of cats around the office. They'd be really expensive to feed and there is no way Kittens 4 Life could remain profittable if I did that.
But on further reflection, I realized that these answer were unsatisfactory if I was ever to make Kittens 4 Life work.
You see, dear reader, as they say with prostitutes "you don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay them to go away afterwards"; when a customer signs up with Kittens 4 Life, they wouldn't be paying me for the kitten. They would be paying me to relieve them of the guilt that would normally go along with giving up their cat.
So here is my solution for what to do with the cats that get turned into me. I tell them that I send them off to live with a farmer who has a serious mouse problem on his farm. I send them letters periodically showing pictures of the cat with his new master. Some action pictures of Mr. Cat chasing pesky mouses around the farm.
All these pictures would be photoshopped. In reality, the feline would become Soylent Cat Green almost immediately after being turned back in.
So there's your second question.
Earlier, I said that new relationships were like having a kitten. Old one were like having a fucking cat. But there is one difference.
There's no guilt to be had when giving up a person. Because guess what?
When you give up a person, they get to be a kitten again for somebody else.
Happiness, dear reader, is always have a kitten.
A kitten for life.
Let me tell you the trouble with relationships.
If I ever wanted to become a millionaire, I could do it. To become a millionaire, you need a million dollar idea. And I, dear readers, have one.
Let me tell you my million dollar idea.
I start a business, right? And it's called Kittens 4 Life. It's a very simple concept. You come in and sign up. There's a one-time activation fee and a monthly charge thereafter.
And after you fill out all the paperwork, you get a kitten. You go home, you play with your kitten and have a blast. Well, why would anyone pay me for that when you could just go to a pound and get one for free?
Well, you see, when the kitten grows up into a cat, you take it back to Kittens 4 Life, turn him in and then we give you another kitten.
Pretty cool, huh? Well, I've already patented the name so don't even think about it!
Now why this works is simple. Kittens are awesome. Kittens are cute. Kittens are fun. Kitten are amusing and they're amused by you. You get home and kittens are super-jazzed to see you.
But you know the only thing wrong with kittens? They grow up to be cats!
Cats are not cute. Cats are not fun and I can't think of anything less amusing than a cat. They don't come when you call them. And as long as they are well fed, they don't care wether you are home or not. They come when you call their name.
And when you come home from a long hard day at the coal mine, they don't greet you with any warmth. They just walk up and say one thing: "give". Or as they like to put it: "meow".
Gimme food. Gimme a warm lap. GIVE! And you know what happens if you don't give them what they want? They shit all over your laundry!
And that, dear readers, is the trouble with relationships.
You see, when you start seeing someone new, it's like having a new kitten. They're cute. They're fun. They're amusing and they're amused by you. They think about you when you're away and are super-jazzed to see you when you come home.
But as time goes by, things change. Needs change. The novelty wears off. One day it dawns on you, man. You're not dating a kitten anymore.
You're dating a fucking CAT!!!
They're no longer cute. They're no longer amusing and they've long since stopped being amused by you. And when you come home from a long and tiring day at the coal mine, they just walk up to you with hungry eyes and say one thing...
"GIVE!!!"
Now, dear readers, I know what you're thinking at this point. You're thinking the same two questions everyone asks me when I tell them about Kittens 4 Life. So let me go ahead and answer them.
The first question you are thinking is this: Well, why don't you do a Puppies 4 Life.
The answer is simple. It wouldn't work with dogs. You see, while puppies are certainly cuter and more fun than dogs, a dog has a few advantages over a puppy. For one, a dog is house broken whereas a puppy is not.
(Yes, a puppy will crap on your laundry but only because it doesn't that you don't want your laundry crapped upon. If it knew, it wouldn't do it. A cat, on the other hand, will crap on your laundry BECAUSE it knows you don't want it crapped on)
Secondly, a dog will come when you call it. A puppy takes a while to learn his name. And a dog eventually figures out what you do and don't like and tries his doggy best to accomodate you.
So a dog a few legs up on a puppy. Cat, however, is inferior to a kitten in every way imaginable. And that, dear reader, is why a Puppies 4 Life would not work.
And now on to the second question. The one you've been waiting 20 something paragraphs for me to answer.
Here it is:
"What do you do with the cats that get turned back in to you?"
The first few times I was presenteded with this query, I dismissed it outright. "I dunno. Kill 'em maybe. Make meat pies out of them. Invent some feline version soylent green and slang those for a few extra nickles. Who gives a shit?"
Of course, I couldn't keep the cats alive. After a while, I'd have shitloads of cats around the office. They'd be really expensive to feed and there is no way Kittens 4 Life could remain profittable if I did that.
But on further reflection, I realized that these answer were unsatisfactory if I was ever to make Kittens 4 Life work.
You see, dear reader, as they say with prostitutes "you don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay them to go away afterwards"; when a customer signs up with Kittens 4 Life, they wouldn't be paying me for the kitten. They would be paying me to relieve them of the guilt that would normally go along with giving up their cat.
So here is my solution for what to do with the cats that get turned into me. I tell them that I send them off to live with a farmer who has a serious mouse problem on his farm. I send them letters periodically showing pictures of the cat with his new master. Some action pictures of Mr. Cat chasing pesky mouses around the farm.
All these pictures would be photoshopped. In reality, the feline would become Soylent Cat Green almost immediately after being turned back in.
So there's your second question.
Earlier, I said that new relationships were like having a kitten. Old one were like having a fucking cat. But there is one difference.
There's no guilt to be had when giving up a person. Because guess what?
When you give up a person, they get to be a kitten again for somebody else.
Happiness, dear reader, is always have a kitten.
A kitten for life.
Still Wednesday, still Janurary 7th, 2009 and it is now 6:10 PM here in the Philippines.
There is still one more Islamic organisation to consider when discussing the wars here on Mindanao: "JI." JI stands for "Jemaah Islamiyyah," an organisation founded in Java in Indonesia.
Most people, even within Indonesia remain unaware that in the first half of the 20th Century that there was a huge influx from the Arabian region of Hadramut, which is right between Southern Yemen (which is now only a region BUT was a country for a while) and Aden, into Indonesia.
Born to an Arab father and a local Javanese woman was Bashir Abubak'r Ba'asyir Abdus Samad also known as "Ustad Abu" on Java, he and his childhood friend 'Abdullah Sungkar were greatly influenced by a movement called "Darul Islam" (House of Islam) which gained popularity in the 1940s.
Both men had founded a Javanese madrassa (Islamic school) called "al Mu'kim" in 1972 and it was there that both men developed a coterie of willing young men who would be more than happy to undertake the call of jihad,
The Indonesian dictator Suharto had formulated a nationalist ideology that he required all schools to instill and abide by. This greatly distressed Islamists and Samad and Sungkar refused to do so. Samad spent 5 years in an Indonesian prison for refusing to take an oath of fealty to Suharto and upon release he and his friend made their way to Malaysia but not before they had time to blow up Buddhist relics on Java..
It was in Malaysia, in 1993 that they officialy founded their Islamist movement on the first day of the year. They attracted a following and by the time that they returned to Indonesia in 1998, they had developed ties already with a network of Middle East radicals including Osama Bin Laden.
The name "Jemaah Islamiyyah" had been around since the early 1970s in one guise or another but the 2 founders of the terrorist organisation "JI" had not developed a core ideology until their sojourn in Malaysia. Then, when sectarian violence between Muslim and Christians on the Indonesian islands of Poso and Maluku (Moluccas) took place in Janurary of 1999, JI made the transition into a Jihadist organisation.
They were one of the groups, but by no means the only group that expressed their hatred for Christians by decapitating young schoolgirls snatched on their walk to school. Fort quite some time it became a kind of competition between these groups, or so it seems.
By the time THAT violence ended almost 2 years later JI was onto bigger things, manufacturing bombs and launching terrorist attacks, such as the "Bali Bombing" in 2002 where nearly 200 people died, many of them Australians.
In 2003 they bombed the Marriot in Jakarta, in 2004 the Australian Embassy in Jakarta, and in 2005 back to Bali where they bombed two southern villages, one near a Four Seasons Hotel where they managed to kill 129 people.
Interestingly, after the last attack, Samad (AKA "Bashir") publicly condemned the actual attack but offered that it was Allah's will and a warning for all of Indonesia to wake up before it is too late.
One of the 2 bomb makers remains free and his whereabouts unknown although many believe him to be in the Philippines. JI has cells in Malaysia, Singapore (where several attacks have been foiled), Thailand, Philippines and possibly Cambodia.
JI and ASG operated a training camp together on Jolo, and JI bombmakers have been arrested as recently as last month in Cotabato and Zamboanga here on Mindanao so the threat is indeed real. They have also linked up with RSM on past operations as well, so that there is a very real linkage between all of the Islamic groups.
That finishes the information on the Islamic Armies.
Aside from those guerilla armies there are also criminal organisations usually made up of ex or even present guerillas. Gangs like the "Pentagon Gang."
Pentagon was led by Faisal Marohombsar, a high ranking MNLF leader from Cotabato. He was killed on Cavite, while holding one of the richest women in the country hostage for 100 Million Pesos (roughly 2.25 Million US). Like many in the MNLF and MILF he came from a clan of Muslim tribesmen living in Ligusan Marsh, the "Maranaw" Clan. Ligusan is a prime breeding ground for Muslim jihadists.
Then there was the "Mubarek" gang named for its leader, another MNLF leader, Abogado "Gado" Bago who went by the nom de guerre "Kummander Mubarek." After his faction of the MNLF deactivated became the leader of a a Muslim paramilitary made up of ex-MNLF fighters working as a bodyguard/private army of the ARMM Governor. When his patron lost the election he turned to kidnapping and robbery like so many of the ex-guerillas do.
Another of these groups, which still has retained some of its political agenda, is the "al Khobar Organisation." This is the group responsible for bombing bus after bus of a company headquartered in Cotabato City. One of its best known bomb makers has just escpaed from the Kidapawan City jail in Cotabato, for the SECOND TIME! You really have to love Mindanao. al Khobar holds political/religious Objectives as well but is primarily involved in illegal profit making schemes.
I have not even touched on the Communists but that will wait for now (sigh of relief from the readers).
There is still one more Islamic organisation to consider when discussing the wars here on Mindanao: "JI." JI stands for "Jemaah Islamiyyah," an organisation founded in Java in Indonesia.
Most people, even within Indonesia remain unaware that in the first half of the 20th Century that there was a huge influx from the Arabian region of Hadramut, which is right between Southern Yemen (which is now only a region BUT was a country for a while) and Aden, into Indonesia.
Born to an Arab father and a local Javanese woman was Bashir Abubak'r Ba'asyir Abdus Samad also known as "Ustad Abu" on Java, he and his childhood friend 'Abdullah Sungkar were greatly influenced by a movement called "Darul Islam" (House of Islam) which gained popularity in the 1940s.
Both men had founded a Javanese madrassa (Islamic school) called "al Mu'kim" in 1972 and it was there that both men developed a coterie of willing young men who would be more than happy to undertake the call of jihad,
The Indonesian dictator Suharto had formulated a nationalist ideology that he required all schools to instill and abide by. This greatly distressed Islamists and Samad and Sungkar refused to do so. Samad spent 5 years in an Indonesian prison for refusing to take an oath of fealty to Suharto and upon release he and his friend made their way to Malaysia but not before they had time to blow up Buddhist relics on Java..
It was in Malaysia, in 1993 that they officialy founded their Islamist movement on the first day of the year. They attracted a following and by the time that they returned to Indonesia in 1998, they had developed ties already with a network of Middle East radicals including Osama Bin Laden.
The name "Jemaah Islamiyyah" had been around since the early 1970s in one guise or another but the 2 founders of the terrorist organisation "JI" had not developed a core ideology until their sojourn in Malaysia. Then, when sectarian violence between Muslim and Christians on the Indonesian islands of Poso and Maluku (Moluccas) took place in Janurary of 1999, JI made the transition into a Jihadist organisation.
They were one of the groups, but by no means the only group that expressed their hatred for Christians by decapitating young schoolgirls snatched on their walk to school. Fort quite some time it became a kind of competition between these groups, or so it seems.
By the time THAT violence ended almost 2 years later JI was onto bigger things, manufacturing bombs and launching terrorist attacks, such as the "Bali Bombing" in 2002 where nearly 200 people died, many of them Australians.
In 2003 they bombed the Marriot in Jakarta, in 2004 the Australian Embassy in Jakarta, and in 2005 back to Bali where they bombed two southern villages, one near a Four Seasons Hotel where they managed to kill 129 people.
Interestingly, after the last attack, Samad (AKA "Bashir") publicly condemned the actual attack but offered that it was Allah's will and a warning for all of Indonesia to wake up before it is too late.
One of the 2 bomb makers remains free and his whereabouts unknown although many believe him to be in the Philippines. JI has cells in Malaysia, Singapore (where several attacks have been foiled), Thailand, Philippines and possibly Cambodia.
JI and ASG operated a training camp together on Jolo, and JI bombmakers have been arrested as recently as last month in Cotabato and Zamboanga here on Mindanao so the threat is indeed real. They have also linked up with RSM on past operations as well, so that there is a very real linkage between all of the Islamic groups.
That finishes the information on the Islamic Armies.
Aside from those guerilla armies there are also criminal organisations usually made up of ex or even present guerillas. Gangs like the "Pentagon Gang."
Pentagon was led by Faisal Marohombsar, a high ranking MNLF leader from Cotabato. He was killed on Cavite, while holding one of the richest women in the country hostage for 100 Million Pesos (roughly 2.25 Million US). Like many in the MNLF and MILF he came from a clan of Muslim tribesmen living in Ligusan Marsh, the "Maranaw" Clan. Ligusan is a prime breeding ground for Muslim jihadists.
Then there was the "Mubarek" gang named for its leader, another MNLF leader, Abogado "Gado" Bago who went by the nom de guerre "Kummander Mubarek." After his faction of the MNLF deactivated became the leader of a a Muslim paramilitary made up of ex-MNLF fighters working as a bodyguard/private army of the ARMM Governor. When his patron lost the election he turned to kidnapping and robbery like so many of the ex-guerillas do.
Another of these groups, which still has retained some of its political agenda, is the "al Khobar Organisation." This is the group responsible for bombing bus after bus of a company headquartered in Cotabato City. One of its best known bomb makers has just escpaed from the Kidapawan City jail in Cotabato, for the SECOND TIME! You really have to love Mindanao. al Khobar holds political/religious Objectives as well but is primarily involved in illegal profit making schemes.
I have not even touched on the Communists but that will wait for now (sigh of relief from the readers).
Today is still Wednesday, Janurary 7th, 2009 and it is now 3:57 PM here in the Philippines.
So, in late 1977 the MILF and BMLO had just begun operations and the MNLF is struggling on Mindanao with its only real effectivness on points south.
The MILF took off with a vengance, while the BGLO was wracked by infighting of its own and soon became the MNLF-RM, with the "RM" standing for "Reformist Movement," trying to capitalise once more on its much more powerful previous incarnation (MNLF).
By 1983 the once gigantic and powerful MNLF had only 15,000 armed fighters, which still represented a formidable force except that its mass base of support, absolutely crucial to any guerilla campaign was all but gone on Mindanao. This was reflected by what took place in the near future, when voting took place for the ARMM for the 2nd time.
Marcos was overthrown and Cory Aquino rose to power. One of Aquino's promises had been dialogue with the MNLF and a solution to the Mindanao stalemate. With the Organisation of the Islamic Conference once again supporting the MNLF both sides entered into Peace Talks in 1986.
In Jaunrary of 1987 the MNLF agrees to Aquino's push for autonomy at the expense of independance and formally reneges on its long standing Objective of Muslim Independance. Instead Aquino will allow any provinces wishing to from Mindanao and all points south, to join the soon to be autonomous region.
The MILF was adamant about rejecting this offer but one month later it too laid down its arms so that Muslim Mindanao would progress forward, before resuming its battle for seccession.
When it came to a vote though even the govt was suprised that only Maguindanao and Lanao del Sur provinces on Mindanao, and Sulu and
Tawi Tawi in points south opted for the new autonomous status.
By the end of 1987 all sides were hopelessly deadlocked and in Feburary of 1988 when the Organisation of the Islamic Conference accedes to Aquino's wishes and denies the MNLF membership in the organisation the MNLF resumed its guerilla campaign.
In 1990 the MILF agrees to a short Cease Fire in honour of the progress made towards realisation of the ARMM Agreement, but soon resumed business as usual.
I know this sounds complicated, all this explaining but someone, somehwere just might want to learn about this now, or sometime in the future and who is to say I would even be around to talk about it?
In 10/92 the MNLF agreed to talks and headed back to Tripoli, Libya to give it one more shot with the govt. These talks continued in Jakarta, Indonesia in 4/1993 and lasted a total of 47 months before they came to a viable agreement over implentation of ARMM.
1996, ARMM was finally realised with then President Ramos appointing Misuari to be the region's 1st Governor, a position he would hold until his failed bid for seccession in Jolo, in 2001. Most of the MNLF is deactivated in Mindanao, except for his personal paramilitary which receives new weapons from the govt, and has an estimated 7,000 full time soldiers.
The MNLF-RM is the faction that disagrees with both Misuari's leadership AND the direction of the MNLF, and continues waging a small but ineffective war and finally ended up dissipating into oblvion after which its more committed members joined other armies.
President Ramos agreed to a Reintegration Programme for the MNLF under Misuari that saw a little over 5000 MNLF soldiers and commanders that were not accepted into Misuari's paramilitary being assimilated into the AFP, with the commanders becoming 2nd Lts and the rest of the rank and file becoming privates. Of that number, only 4300 managed to comeplte the AFP's required training.
In 7/97 the MILF agreed to a bi-lateral Cease Fire but the next President, Estrada, breaks it unilaterally in 2000. Again , in 2003 the MILF agrees to yet another Cease Fire with Preisdent Arroyo, the President that year as well as currently.
In 2000 a new vote is taken to expand the ARMM, but only Basilan (excepting its mostly Bisaya capital city of Isabela) and Marawai City ( a city in the province of Lanao del Sur which itself was already included in the ARMM ) opted to join.
In 2001 the MNLF that had neither been "Assimilated" or coopted into Misuari's private paramiliatary force in ARMM regained a tad bit of momentum in the southern islands and Chairman Misuari capitalised on that as he launched a bid for a coup on Jolo. He planned to declare independance but was beaten back by the Philippine Marines.
His followers in Zamboanga then staged a diversionary tactic by taking more than 100 civlians hostage as Misuari snuck out of the country and took refuge in Malaysia.
Ironically, Malaysia ended up arresting him in late 2001 for illegal entry, despite the fact that there is unimpeded transit between Sabah and Mindanao (not to mention the southern islands). There is no passport or immigration controls to facilitate both trade and family ties for southern Philippine tribals and relatives on Sabah and Borneo. It holds true for Indonesian islands nearby as well.
Misuari was then deposed as Chairman and replaced by MNLF-RM factional leader Parouk Hussin (sic) who had been idle when MNLF-RM dissipated in power.
In 1/2005 a small force of MILF led by Kummander Abdul Rahamn Binago , joined by a small guerilla army called "Abu Sofia" led by his brother Bebis Biago, and Abu Sayyaf surround a military unit and killed nearly 50 govt. soldiers reiniating hostilities. The MILF leadership stresses that the organisation did not authorise this attack and was willing to remain engaged in the Cease Fire but the govt refused the offer and so hostilities take off once again.
In 2005 a scion of a powerful Maguindanao Province clan, the Ampatuan Family was hand picked by President Arroyo to run for Governor of ARMM and despite accusations of outright fraud he still kept the seat, and was reelected this past year..
In 2006 both sides were able to effect a Cease Fire once again, until the summer of 2007, in July when on Basilan 14 Philippine Marines are killed and 9 are decapitated by a joint MILF/Abu Sayyaf operation, reacting to stepped up military activity on the island in response to the Abu Sayyaf kidnapping of Italian citizen and priest, Father Bossi.
MILF and the military come to an understanding and no hostilities take place until the summer of 2008 when the Philippine Supreme Court issued an injunction against implementation of the "Ancestral Domain Memorandum" which guaranteed both tribals and Muslims that they would have the level of autonomy they had been counting on.
The court declares the Memorandum must be ruled on by the Surpeme Court and decides to effect such Ruling at a later date to be determined, which in turn leads 3 Base Commands of the MILF to go "off the reservation" and begin slaughtering Bisaya villages which are a minority in those particular 3 provinces. The 3 Brigades, known as "Base Commands.":
I) 102, commanded by Ameril Umbra Kato, AKA "Kummander Kato" in Lanao del Norte.
II) 105, commanded by Abdullah Macapa'ar, AKA "Kummander Bravo" in Maguindanao.
III) 103, commanded by Solaiman Pangalian, AKA "Kummander Solaiman" in Lanao del Sur Province.
The Court then ruled, in October that the Memomarandum is illegal and un-Constitutional and is nullified.
Since August, 2008 the MILF has insisted, even as these 3 Brigades expand their scopes of operation and miraculously seem to have gained many new Battalions that they are acting against the wishes of the MILF leadership, and are called, "Lost Commands" a phase that has special meaning on this island, which I will eventually get around to explaining.
The MILF scope of operations are from ARMM all the way iup to Cagayan on the north coast of the island, but are heaviest in Cotabato N. and S., Lanao N. and Sultan Kuradat.
There is also one Base Command on Basilan, 114, that is also engaging govt. forces but in tandem with ASG and the MILF leadership denies that the 114 is actively in rebellion.
MNLF is still active in Sulu now, with the last large scale engagement having taken place this past July (2008) when an MNLF Battalion killed almost 50 people, roughly half of whom were Govt Marines, the rest being govt paramiliary soldiers.
Nur Misuari, the man who has probably had more to do with Islamic Insurrectionism on Mindanao than any other single person is finally free and back on the island, last seen a couple of weeks ago in Bukidnon Province, over seeing the conversion of some Lumad (animist tribals) recruits in the MNLF, which is just bizarre.
They were converting to Islam, and promised a salary of 12 to 15,000 Pesos a month which is a real fortune here abouts. There were only 18 but it is still almost unheard of in otday's world to see Lumad converting to Islam, but then there are many tribals who are horribly marginalised. Lumad probably have it worst here and have for as long as records have been kept.
Minsuari had been reinstated as the Chairman, in 2007, and then last April pushed back out by the then mayor of Cotabato City, the capital of ARMM and an old leader of the MNLF as well. Now Misuari has gathered most of the actual fighting force of the MNLF behind him and is seeking to reassert his leadership. Until this autumn he had been on house arrest in Manila and now that he is back in the south he very well probably will take control once more. He has committed himself to enlisting 200,000 soldiers by next summer (2009) and has formed a political alliance with the current Sultan of Sulu, and seems to be trying for independance once again.
More to come...
So, in late 1977 the MILF and BMLO had just begun operations and the MNLF is struggling on Mindanao with its only real effectivness on points south.
The MILF took off with a vengance, while the BGLO was wracked by infighting of its own and soon became the MNLF-RM, with the "RM" standing for "Reformist Movement," trying to capitalise once more on its much more powerful previous incarnation (MNLF).
By 1983 the once gigantic and powerful MNLF had only 15,000 armed fighters, which still represented a formidable force except that its mass base of support, absolutely crucial to any guerilla campaign was all but gone on Mindanao. This was reflected by what took place in the near future, when voting took place for the ARMM for the 2nd time.
Marcos was overthrown and Cory Aquino rose to power. One of Aquino's promises had been dialogue with the MNLF and a solution to the Mindanao stalemate. With the Organisation of the Islamic Conference once again supporting the MNLF both sides entered into Peace Talks in 1986.
In Jaunrary of 1987 the MNLF agrees to Aquino's push for autonomy at the expense of independance and formally reneges on its long standing Objective of Muslim Independance. Instead Aquino will allow any provinces wishing to from Mindanao and all points south, to join the soon to be autonomous region.
The MILF was adamant about rejecting this offer but one month later it too laid down its arms so that Muslim Mindanao would progress forward, before resuming its battle for seccession.
When it came to a vote though even the govt was suprised that only Maguindanao and Lanao del Sur provinces on Mindanao, and Sulu and
Tawi Tawi in points south opted for the new autonomous status.
By the end of 1987 all sides were hopelessly deadlocked and in Feburary of 1988 when the Organisation of the Islamic Conference accedes to Aquino's wishes and denies the MNLF membership in the organisation the MNLF resumed its guerilla campaign.
In 1990 the MILF agrees to a short Cease Fire in honour of the progress made towards realisation of the ARMM Agreement, but soon resumed business as usual.
I know this sounds complicated, all this explaining but someone, somehwere just might want to learn about this now, or sometime in the future and who is to say I would even be around to talk about it?
In 10/92 the MNLF agreed to talks and headed back to Tripoli, Libya to give it one more shot with the govt. These talks continued in Jakarta, Indonesia in 4/1993 and lasted a total of 47 months before they came to a viable agreement over implentation of ARMM.
1996, ARMM was finally realised with then President Ramos appointing Misuari to be the region's 1st Governor, a position he would hold until his failed bid for seccession in Jolo, in 2001. Most of the MNLF is deactivated in Mindanao, except for his personal paramilitary which receives new weapons from the govt, and has an estimated 7,000 full time soldiers.
The MNLF-RM is the faction that disagrees with both Misuari's leadership AND the direction of the MNLF, and continues waging a small but ineffective war and finally ended up dissipating into oblvion after which its more committed members joined other armies.
President Ramos agreed to a Reintegration Programme for the MNLF under Misuari that saw a little over 5000 MNLF soldiers and commanders that were not accepted into Misuari's paramilitary being assimilated into the AFP, with the commanders becoming 2nd Lts and the rest of the rank and file becoming privates. Of that number, only 4300 managed to comeplte the AFP's required training.
In 7/97 the MILF agreed to a bi-lateral Cease Fire but the next President, Estrada, breaks it unilaterally in 2000. Again , in 2003 the MILF agrees to yet another Cease Fire with Preisdent Arroyo, the President that year as well as currently.
In 2000 a new vote is taken to expand the ARMM, but only Basilan (excepting its mostly Bisaya capital city of Isabela) and Marawai City ( a city in the province of Lanao del Sur which itself was already included in the ARMM ) opted to join.
In 2001 the MNLF that had neither been "Assimilated" or coopted into Misuari's private paramiliatary force in ARMM regained a tad bit of momentum in the southern islands and Chairman Misuari capitalised on that as he launched a bid for a coup on Jolo. He planned to declare independance but was beaten back by the Philippine Marines.
His followers in Zamboanga then staged a diversionary tactic by taking more than 100 civlians hostage as Misuari snuck out of the country and took refuge in Malaysia.
Ironically, Malaysia ended up arresting him in late 2001 for illegal entry, despite the fact that there is unimpeded transit between Sabah and Mindanao (not to mention the southern islands). There is no passport or immigration controls to facilitate both trade and family ties for southern Philippine tribals and relatives on Sabah and Borneo. It holds true for Indonesian islands nearby as well.
Misuari was then deposed as Chairman and replaced by MNLF-RM factional leader Parouk Hussin (sic) who had been idle when MNLF-RM dissipated in power.
In 1/2005 a small force of MILF led by Kummander Abdul Rahamn Binago , joined by a small guerilla army called "Abu Sofia" led by his brother Bebis Biago, and Abu Sayyaf surround a military unit and killed nearly 50 govt. soldiers reiniating hostilities. The MILF leadership stresses that the organisation did not authorise this attack and was willing to remain engaged in the Cease Fire but the govt refused the offer and so hostilities take off once again.
In 2005 a scion of a powerful Maguindanao Province clan, the Ampatuan Family was hand picked by President Arroyo to run for Governor of ARMM and despite accusations of outright fraud he still kept the seat, and was reelected this past year..
In 2006 both sides were able to effect a Cease Fire once again, until the summer of 2007, in July when on Basilan 14 Philippine Marines are killed and 9 are decapitated by a joint MILF/Abu Sayyaf operation, reacting to stepped up military activity on the island in response to the Abu Sayyaf kidnapping of Italian citizen and priest, Father Bossi.
MILF and the military come to an understanding and no hostilities take place until the summer of 2008 when the Philippine Supreme Court issued an injunction against implementation of the "Ancestral Domain Memorandum" which guaranteed both tribals and Muslims that they would have the level of autonomy they had been counting on.
The court declares the Memorandum must be ruled on by the Surpeme Court and decides to effect such Ruling at a later date to be determined, which in turn leads 3 Base Commands of the MILF to go "off the reservation" and begin slaughtering Bisaya villages which are a minority in those particular 3 provinces. The 3 Brigades, known as "Base Commands.":
I) 102, commanded by Ameril Umbra Kato, AKA "Kummander Kato" in Lanao del Norte.
II) 105, commanded by Abdullah Macapa'ar, AKA "Kummander Bravo" in Maguindanao.
III) 103, commanded by Solaiman Pangalian, AKA "Kummander Solaiman" in Lanao del Sur Province.
The Court then ruled, in October that the Memomarandum is illegal and un-Constitutional and is nullified.
Since August, 2008 the MILF has insisted, even as these 3 Brigades expand their scopes of operation and miraculously seem to have gained many new Battalions that they are acting against the wishes of the MILF leadership, and are called, "Lost Commands" a phase that has special meaning on this island, which I will eventually get around to explaining.
The MILF scope of operations are from ARMM all the way iup to Cagayan on the north coast of the island, but are heaviest in Cotabato N. and S., Lanao N. and Sultan Kuradat.
There is also one Base Command on Basilan, 114, that is also engaging govt. forces but in tandem with ASG and the MILF leadership denies that the 114 is actively in rebellion.
MNLF is still active in Sulu now, with the last large scale engagement having taken place this past July (2008) when an MNLF Battalion killed almost 50 people, roughly half of whom were Govt Marines, the rest being govt paramiliary soldiers.
Nur Misuari, the man who has probably had more to do with Islamic Insurrectionism on Mindanao than any other single person is finally free and back on the island, last seen a couple of weeks ago in Bukidnon Province, over seeing the conversion of some Lumad (animist tribals) recruits in the MNLF, which is just bizarre.
They were converting to Islam, and promised a salary of 12 to 15,000 Pesos a month which is a real fortune here abouts. There were only 18 but it is still almost unheard of in otday's world to see Lumad converting to Islam, but then there are many tribals who are horribly marginalised. Lumad probably have it worst here and have for as long as records have been kept.
Minsuari had been reinstated as the Chairman, in 2007, and then last April pushed back out by the then mayor of Cotabato City, the capital of ARMM and an old leader of the MNLF as well. Now Misuari has gathered most of the actual fighting force of the MNLF behind him and is seeking to reassert his leadership. Until this autumn he had been on house arrest in Manila and now that he is back in the south he very well probably will take control once more. He has committed himself to enlisting 200,000 soldiers by next summer (2009) and has formed a political alliance with the current Sultan of Sulu, and seems to be trying for independance once again.
More to come...