*I cry now. Shut and lock the door, afraid someone will see and I can't explain it. I don't want to. this is what I do. I shut off the light and sit in the dark. Straining my already painful eyes (sinus pressure behind them causes pain) why the dark I don't know.
Once I have had the rejection or abandonment. Which likely all goes back to my dad abandoning us for his new family. A new wife with 2 kids, just like our family, a girl the same age as me. But popular and pretty and athletic, all the things I wanted. I didn't fit into this family later and was emotionally abused for it. My dad never made it stop. He didn't want me, I didn't want him and thats how I have managed.
Anyway,
I enter the stage then that BL often sees and resents me for. the stage of pain and hopelessness. When I figure that everyone will reject and leave me. And I might as well save myself the pain. then I sometimes get that rejection and hurtfulness from BLers, who don't get it. Or don't care. And it sink. It as been so bad that I have been asked not to use BL as a freaking suicide hot line. true, what will anyone do.
But now I have entered that stage. I have lost another one in ONE FUCKING DATE. I liked him and I thought he liked me and we would hit it off. I don't want the pain of this over and over and over and over again. My ex maybe broke up with me 30 times, each time causing pain just to take it back, because of my begging or not knowing what he wanted idk.
Somewhere, I got sick. And I developed this sick disorder that destroys everything. Do I want to cut? No the pain isn't that bad. I guess I've just gone numb in given up. Do I want to cut where he might see if he ever showed so he can see my pain? yes, will I do it. No not likely. All that does is perpetuates the label of cutters as attention seekers for it, when most of mine I hide.
Just like my arm, I am scarred, bleeding, unhealed. somewhere I was broken and only I can fix it. But I'm not strong enough or know how. I catch it after its too late even though I've done this cycle 1000s of times. I become so hopeless.
All I want is love, but no one can ever love this.
This sick horrible person that I am. Sure BPD has perks that ppl see. But the pain isn't worth the feeling happier or caring more than the average person does about a stranger or understanding some one's pain more, or whatever.
I want someone, to love me. And no one ever can. I even will chase them, try to scare them away will me being sick before they have the chance to leave and hurt me. Its all so hopeless.
yeah I can be treated. Medication for the depression and suicidal thoughts. But therapy and me fixing me which is very painful to do. I mean I have to retain my thoughts for one. Not call myself those things. That requires me writing down what I say, and then I have to be forced to recall the situation what caused me to say that to myself and that is painful! People don't seem to understand that.
Therapy for BPD takes years and years and some never get better. 10% commit suicide successfully, many attempt spur of the moment in pain after rejection and fail. I'm so stupid I can't even kill myself right....
Now I'm hardly worried about pain. I was worried that dying would hurt and ppl would tell me it would so maybe I wouldn't do it. So it hurts, but then I can't cycle around and become more damaged tha before. Find someone else to love and lose, that just wants to use and abuse...
Yeah the do that to me too.
I want that affection SO bad I let men use me. I think many have. I know some have. S. may have, I slept with him and he left D. I kissed him and he left. And I'm not bad at what I do! Don't you think that. I am amazing lover because I'm a giver. damn it, lol its about the other thing I know I'm good at. sad, I know I'm an amazing lay. Yeah that gets me winners that want to LOVE me. No use me. Get what they want and run before I have a chance to feel abandoned. Or they blame me, I was impulsive which I am, I want the feeling of love...If I wasn't such a whore or if I hadn't teased them. I do that really bad, why...because I feel wanted I guess.
Now I am afraid of damaging my family by them finding my lifeless body...my mother already has her mom dying and my brother really is 18 but still just a kid. I'm not sure how he ended up no damaged. I guess he wasn't abused by the step family like I was really. they encouraged him to do it so it could follow me back to my mother's. My peers did it too. I lacked friends and was often made fun of. Who to blame? idk. My parents didn't know what to do with a suicidal 13 year old, hell my mom still doesn't know what to do with me.
Now no one wants to be around someone who is cranky all the time. I'm depressed what do you want from me? Brother leaves his rifles out...thats not the way to go although you can be thoughtful and not leave a mess. Thats the idea.
Sometime I'll get it right I think. Just pushed, be impulsive and do it. I've been coming up with ideas since I was 12 or 13. Always making sure my mom wouldn't be angry that I left a mess lol.
Really I feel as many borderlines do....its only a matter of time. I never thought I would live to see 18, I did thanks to someone saving me at 18...Many days I don't think I'll live to see 25. and 25 alone....I that may just break me. 25 I had dreams of marriage and maybe start having kids at 25.
Pointless dreams. I'm so afraid of being left I had considered having kids "on accident" so my ex would stay. YES YES YES PSYCHO GF. I found myself there and thought it was sick and demented and a great way to end up ruining what little life I have. My education and now seeing I would have tied to someone who loves money more than anything and was abusive.
But I don't know how much pain I can take. Will I tell my pscy on the 2nd that. NO! I am NOT GOING BACK TO A PSYCH WARD! I will kill myself if they try to make me. My experience was horrible. Accidentally ending up in rehab yeah I should have jumped from the open window and died. I threatened, but then my family could have sued lol But it was SO much nicer. They treated you like a human being there at least. Although them trying to convince me I had alcohol issues was funny and now I can handle drink at all. Perhaps being drunk last night is what made me cry when he left.
I'm pretty sure hes gone for good. Another one...Yeah entering the next stage. I can't talk much about that. I get in trouble. BL is not a suicide hot line.
There, there is a book about my life, a little bit of it. There are other parts that are missing like, sexual abuse, and my brother's extreme anger that still scares me, me joining a cult becuase of a guy and love bombing, other exs, my family and life now, how I live now, being medicated all my life all all the medications, the drug use. Hell I wouldn't be here if I didn't. But there is enough here for sure and I"m 100% sure no one reads it all.....
Once I have had the rejection or abandonment. Which likely all goes back to my dad abandoning us for his new family. A new wife with 2 kids, just like our family, a girl the same age as me. But popular and pretty and athletic, all the things I wanted. I didn't fit into this family later and was emotionally abused for it. My dad never made it stop. He didn't want me, I didn't want him and thats how I have managed.
Anyway,
I enter the stage then that BL often sees and resents me for. the stage of pain and hopelessness. When I figure that everyone will reject and leave me. And I might as well save myself the pain. then I sometimes get that rejection and hurtfulness from BLers, who don't get it. Or don't care. And it sink. It as been so bad that I have been asked not to use BL as a freaking suicide hot line. true, what will anyone do.
But now I have entered that stage. I have lost another one in ONE FUCKING DATE. I liked him and I thought he liked me and we would hit it off. I don't want the pain of this over and over and over and over again. My ex maybe broke up with me 30 times, each time causing pain just to take it back, because of my begging or not knowing what he wanted idk.
Somewhere, I got sick. And I developed this sick disorder that destroys everything. Do I want to cut? No the pain isn't that bad. I guess I've just gone numb in given up. Do I want to cut where he might see if he ever showed so he can see my pain? yes, will I do it. No not likely. All that does is perpetuates the label of cutters as attention seekers for it, when most of mine I hide.
Just like my arm, I am scarred, bleeding, unhealed. somewhere I was broken and only I can fix it. But I'm not strong enough or know how. I catch it after its too late even though I've done this cycle 1000s of times. I become so hopeless.
All I want is love, but no one can ever love this.
This sick horrible person that I am. Sure BPD has perks that ppl see. But the pain isn't worth the feeling happier or caring more than the average person does about a stranger or understanding some one's pain more, or whatever.
I want someone, to love me. And no one ever can. I even will chase them, try to scare them away will me being sick before they have the chance to leave and hurt me. Its all so hopeless.
yeah I can be treated. Medication for the depression and suicidal thoughts. But therapy and me fixing me which is very painful to do. I mean I have to retain my thoughts for one. Not call myself those things. That requires me writing down what I say, and then I have to be forced to recall the situation what caused me to say that to myself and that is painful! People don't seem to understand that.
Therapy for BPD takes years and years and some never get better. 10% commit suicide successfully, many attempt spur of the moment in pain after rejection and fail. I'm so stupid I can't even kill myself right....
Now I'm hardly worried about pain. I was worried that dying would hurt and ppl would tell me it would so maybe I wouldn't do it. So it hurts, but then I can't cycle around and become more damaged tha before. Find someone else to love and lose, that just wants to use and abuse...
Yeah the do that to me too.
I want that affection SO bad I let men use me. I think many have. I know some have. S. may have, I slept with him and he left D. I kissed him and he left. And I'm not bad at what I do! Don't you think that. I am amazing lover because I'm a giver. damn it, lol its about the other thing I know I'm good at. sad, I know I'm an amazing lay. Yeah that gets me winners that want to LOVE me. No use me. Get what they want and run before I have a chance to feel abandoned. Or they blame me, I was impulsive which I am, I want the feeling of love...If I wasn't such a whore or if I hadn't teased them. I do that really bad, why...because I feel wanted I guess.
Now I am afraid of damaging my family by them finding my lifeless body...my mother already has her mom dying and my brother really is 18 but still just a kid. I'm not sure how he ended up no damaged. I guess he wasn't abused by the step family like I was really. they encouraged him to do it so it could follow me back to my mother's. My peers did it too. I lacked friends and was often made fun of. Who to blame? idk. My parents didn't know what to do with a suicidal 13 year old, hell my mom still doesn't know what to do with me.
Now no one wants to be around someone who is cranky all the time. I'm depressed what do you want from me? Brother leaves his rifles out...thats not the way to go although you can be thoughtful and not leave a mess. Thats the idea.
Sometime I'll get it right I think. Just pushed, be impulsive and do it. I've been coming up with ideas since I was 12 or 13. Always making sure my mom wouldn't be angry that I left a mess lol.
Really I feel as many borderlines do....its only a matter of time. I never thought I would live to see 18, I did thanks to someone saving me at 18...Many days I don't think I'll live to see 25. and 25 alone....I that may just break me. 25 I had dreams of marriage and maybe start having kids at 25.
Pointless dreams. I'm so afraid of being left I had considered having kids "on accident" so my ex would stay. YES YES YES PSYCHO GF. I found myself there and thought it was sick and demented and a great way to end up ruining what little life I have. My education and now seeing I would have tied to someone who loves money more than anything and was abusive.
But I don't know how much pain I can take. Will I tell my pscy on the 2nd that. NO! I am NOT GOING BACK TO A PSYCH WARD! I will kill myself if they try to make me. My experience was horrible. Accidentally ending up in rehab yeah I should have jumped from the open window and died. I threatened, but then my family could have sued lol But it was SO much nicer. They treated you like a human being there at least. Although them trying to convince me I had alcohol issues was funny and now I can handle drink at all. Perhaps being drunk last night is what made me cry when he left.
I'm pretty sure hes gone for good. Another one...Yeah entering the next stage. I can't talk much about that. I get in trouble. BL is not a suicide hot line.
There, there is a book about my life, a little bit of it. There are other parts that are missing like, sexual abuse, and my brother's extreme anger that still scares me, me joining a cult becuase of a guy and love bombing, other exs, my family and life now, how I live now, being medicated all my life all all the medications, the drug use. Hell I wouldn't be here if I didn't. But there is enough here for sure and I"m 100% sure no one reads it all.....