I've decided to move out and get my own studio apartment. No roommate drama - I just feel that i need to be alone to "actualize my reality" (as Carrie put it once), to get my life together. I need to stop doing harmful things to myself, start taking better care of myself, give myself more time for meditation and silence (and eventually, some type of enlightenment and peacefulness of mind). On the material end, I am looking forward to having more closet space to put my things and having my home be as spotlessly clean as I can have it.
The plan is to stop doing drugs on spring break, after a nice big binge. Then I can take a few days to lay in bed and feel like crap, without having so many obligations towards others. After spring break, I will be sober almost all of the time, except for the occasional hallucinogen and alcohol (as long as I drink moderately and don't turn to it as a resort to curb social anxiety.. I'm sure I can do that). In the summer I will try ibogaine - which is reported by many to be a life-changing trip that basically re-wires the brain in a positive way; it's been used to get hardcore heroin addicts sober and has a lot of success rates. I more want to use it for resolving existential issues, like my terror of death and lack of faith in the universe as a safe and loving place.
I know what I'm in for - facing demons. Maybe fighting demons. I'm not ready for it yet - that's why I've been waiting and I'm still waiting until I make better changes to my mental and emotional state beforehand.
Next term is going to be a good one. I only have one class that I"ll be studying for, and then I have an Internship with an organization that does what I want to do with my life - planting trees in the city. During that Internship, I want to train myself as a program coordinator, take on a case study project, and help plan fundraising events. I know I can be good at these things - I just need practice and someone to give me a chance. That's what this is for. Making my future happen now.
Of course, I am still planning on throwing events with my crew. In the summer we are doing more collaboration than anything, then in the fall I want to throw all-ages raves that are safe and healthy for everyone. It's a lot of stress and challenge, but this work makes me really happy in the end. I get a confidence boost from all the compliments I get from people, especially influential people in the scene who believe in our ideals and what we're doing to achieve them. It's because we are about community - not just about making money or becoming famous - we want to bring communities together and help everyone realize their potential. This is what community development is really about.
The plan is to stop doing drugs on spring break, after a nice big binge. Then I can take a few days to lay in bed and feel like crap, without having so many obligations towards others. After spring break, I will be sober almost all of the time, except for the occasional hallucinogen and alcohol (as long as I drink moderately and don't turn to it as a resort to curb social anxiety.. I'm sure I can do that). In the summer I will try ibogaine - which is reported by many to be a life-changing trip that basically re-wires the brain in a positive way; it's been used to get hardcore heroin addicts sober and has a lot of success rates. I more want to use it for resolving existential issues, like my terror of death and lack of faith in the universe as a safe and loving place.
I know what I'm in for - facing demons. Maybe fighting demons. I'm not ready for it yet - that's why I've been waiting and I'm still waiting until I make better changes to my mental and emotional state beforehand.
Next term is going to be a good one. I only have one class that I"ll be studying for, and then I have an Internship with an organization that does what I want to do with my life - planting trees in the city. During that Internship, I want to train myself as a program coordinator, take on a case study project, and help plan fundraising events. I know I can be good at these things - I just need practice and someone to give me a chance. That's what this is for. Making my future happen now.
Of course, I am still planning on throwing events with my crew. In the summer we are doing more collaboration than anything, then in the fall I want to throw all-ages raves that are safe and healthy for everyone. It's a lot of stress and challenge, but this work makes me really happy in the end. I get a confidence boost from all the compliments I get from people, especially influential people in the scene who believe in our ideals and what we're doing to achieve them. It's because we are about community - not just about making money or becoming famous - we want to bring communities together and help everyone realize their potential. This is what community development is really about.