After my shift at work, I walked out into a misty bright morning. Driving down the road, I stopped at Jack n the Crack, parked the car. I was being observed by a young, homeless youth laying down under a singular tiny tree, it's shade only half covering her. I watched out of the corner of my eye as she nibbled on what small tidbit was her apparent breakfast, then a few minutes later fast asleep crashed out within a small block of concrete and grass, on top off her numerous back packs. Was it drugs or alcohol that put her in her present predicament or was it mental illness, or both? Perhaps a run away from a broken home or some abusive relationship, I felt a twinge of sadness as I recalled my own down and out days, just like her.
Being a rolling stone was ok, in fact sometimes even fun during my homeless days so long as I had both a car and a job. On the other hand being homeless with no car or no car and no job, sucked 1000 flavors of fucked upness. I walked past her through some 3 dozen Mexican homeboys, probably out for some "Labor Ready" or "Slaves are Ready" the slang term I remember being used for that company when I was attending court ordered drug diversion. They paid you minumum wage in cash each day which was why there were so many illegals and tweekers hangin about. Recalling a sad moment, my friend that I used to call Bobby or Spice boy sometimes worked that gig when he really needed cash for dope. In fact, I thought to myself I am pretty damned lucky to be getting into my sports car after work, heading home for bed.
When I got home, Mom told me to call Aunt Becky. "This early in the morning?," I asked. "Yes, call her," my Mom insisted. When she picked up the phone, she said how very concerned she was at the fact that I had had a severe migraine headache several weeks or so ago, that lasted 3 days and wouldn't go away, even after 3 days and 6 non narcotic pain meds later. She became concerned, she explained when I had to take vicodin to make it go away. "After all the work you've done in NA, I'd HATE to see you go back to getting addicted all over again. You're playing with fire. A friend of mine is an acupuncturist. If you want to go for 2 or 3 treatments a week, I'll pay for it, but don't take those pills."
"Well, thanks you've got a deal!," I said. That was sure as hell unexpected. I emailed the lady, got some info, and emailed her back again. I have to go to traffic school for 2 Wednesdays this month, don't know which 2 yet for that bullshit speeding ticket that's costing me $244. I won't know until tomorrow, Monday what dates I have to attend, but as soon as I find out, I'll work schedule the appointments for the sessions. Back in 1995 I was living at home, working full time, not having to pay rent, so I went to 3 acupunture treatments a week for 4 months. About 6 months after I finished the treatments, I didn't have any migraines for some 2 or 3 years, which I remember feeling very lucky because I was homeless on and off during the late 90's and had no money to buy the Rx painkillers to take away the headaches. I was lucky to get intermittent meth during the times between jobs, or I was methless and lifeless wanting to die...
Anyway, that was a nice surprise out of the blue. Then I got an email from my boy saying he has some Iboga. Dude, no shit? These supervised medical clinics want rediculous fees of $4000-$10,000 for this theraputic drug. It's used to help drug addicts break free from addiction, plus from the research I've done, it helps you talk to you're own subconscience or higher self maybe in order to get past self destructive behaviors. Although I kicked some 2 years ago, the weight issue has been a thorn in my side since the day I was born unless I was on drugs. I lose 30 lbs, gain some back, lose, gain, lose, fuck it's almost enough to make me want to go back on crystal meth damn it all to hell! The 12 Steps of NA have indeed been a God send and have helped me tremendously, but body image, weight, and some old resentments I can't seem to shake and apparently this iboga has helped others with self destructive behaviors.
I'm a little afraid, don't know if I'll go through with it or what, but although intoxicating, the drug is in fact quite unpleasant from what I've read, therefore not likely to be addicting. I recall once I had a horrific trip because I had unknowingly eaten 6 grams of mushrooms and it was so hellaciously nasty I NEVER did that again. Who knows if the iboga thing comes through or not, but that was the reason I've really considered a mushroom trip if I can't get the iboga with Kupid. I'd lose my clean time technically, but it would be worth it to gain some valuable insight since I consider it the next best thing. What I'm considering is a major no no in NA and normally I'd agree, but I can't seem to get past the weight/body/mind issue plus the writer's block issues and my creativity....it's all in my damn mind, a form of self sabatoge that's pissing me off and I want to get past it. The trip wouldn't be to get high, but strictly theraputic for me, and from what I've read once is all it takes.
For me, I'll continue my spiritual program as prescribed by NA because of the tools learned for the difficult situation called life, but as some folks need psychiatry or anti depressants in addition to NA, I could use a little extra help. The weight and the frustration over it don't seem to go away no matter how hard I work my steps or how many meetings I go to. I went to my Sunday AM meeting and it was great. Saw my sponsor who I hadn't seen in a while. This trip may or may not come to pass. I guess we'll see, but if I could be beautiful and creative as a hard core junkie, then I should have those assets living clean too. Whatever happens, I need to get past the pain of believing I don't deserve to be in the company of my boy unless I'm pretty again. Remember pretty power? I want to ditch the attitude and the hang ups already for fuck's sake!
"""crystal meth figure""" I wan't it back!