"An Apathetic Existance" - My Addiction With Opiates
(Originally Written April 27, 2007)
Anyone who knows me also knows my addiction. I've been an opiate addict for about 3 years now, and opiates have given me emotions ranging from blissful and euphoric, to emotions of complete and utter despair, even bringing me to the brink of death. I've always stressed to all my friends how much it means to me that I not see anyone else in my life fall victim to this drug. The only sense of hope or satisfaction I have in life is that maybe I have convinced someone not to start using opiates, or maybe I have prevented someone from going over the edge and finding themselves so deep in addiction that there are only two choices, remain an addict, or die........ Remain an addict, or die, it seems like a stretch, a few years ago I would have been the first to say that anyone has the power to stop using a drug anytime they want, it's all mental. But that was before I realized that opiates not only suck you in mentally, but physically. To a point where without them, you will be left on the brink of death, sweating, suicidal, shaking, with the most hopeless, agonizing feeling humanly possible.
I write this mostly for myself, to sort of see the big picture of what has happened to me over 3 years of addiction, and to give me a point of reference in the future, but also I write with the hope that maybe someone will actually listen. I've lied to the most important people in my life, stolen from my own mother and the friends who have been there for me since the beginning. There was a point where every word I spoke, every action I made was for one purpose - to get my fix. It didn't matter who I had to lie to, what I had to steal, who got hurt in the process, I had to feel that euphoria wash over my body, the beautiful feeling that I was flying through the clouds, wrapped in a warm, comfortable blanket. I had to get rid of the pounding, relentless headache, the feeling that I had to scream, but I couldn't move, I wanted to be able to live, but at the same time prayed for death. The only time I worried about who I hurt was once I was high, calm, relaxed, apathetic. And then my emotions were so masked by the drug that I still didn't really care, I just made myself believe I cared to help myself feel better about my addiction. All that mattered was the drug, and the person I lied to more than anyone else through this period of my addiction was myself. I had to maintain that everything I was doing was the right thing to do. I had to manipulate everything in my mind, until I was living in a different reality than everyone else, and I sounded completey absurd to anyone that I explained my actions to.
Eventually I went to rehab, but I knew that rehab wasnt the end of my addiction. Even in rehab I found myself digging in a trash can full of used syringes for half a lortab at the bottom, only stopping when I realized that the last thing I needed was HIV or some other illness from getting pricked with someone else's syringe. So finally I succumbed to the fact that I was not going to get away from this addiction. I tried Suboxone, an opiate based drug that is supposed to keep you from withdrawing but not get you high. It worked for awhile, but I found myself craving more, and with Suboxone, more didn't mean getting higher, it peaked at 6mg and that wasn't nearly enough to satisfy me. I finally went to a methadone clinic where I was accepted as one of the worst cases they had seen in a long time. I had needle marks all over my arms from shooting up Roxicodone pills to get an effect that felt as good as heroin. They started me off at 50mg instead of the normal 20mg. I felt amazing, and it lasted over 24 hours. I realized that I could use Methadone to live my life every day and be a happy, calm person. I could be anything I wanted to be, do anything I wanted to do without having to worry about where to get my next fix! Methadone seemed like the cure to all of my problems, and I was happier than I had been in years. My family started to talk to me again, my friends started coming back, people began to rebuild the trust I had broken. However it didn't take long for me to realize that it was all just an elaborate dream. I found myself in a place where all emotions were dulled. Nothing could impress me, nothing was shocking, I was completely apathetic. The quote "Religion is the opiate of the masses" began to make a lot more sense to me at this point, realizing that opiates could be used as a way to take the edge off anything negative you felt in your life. It was a way to give you an edge above everyone else, I had stability, and I knew that nobody else could be as calm and composed as me. However, with this also came the fact that I could not feel the emotions of others. I found myself trying to grasp the feelings my girlfriend would be describing when something bad happened in her life, but I could not relate. I had no reaction. Complete apathy. I could comfort her, give her advice, but I didn't REALLY understand why these things bothered her, or anyone else for that matter. All my emotions had been boxed up and hidden away. I used to love to write and make music. Since I have been on methadone, I believe this is the first blog post I have written. I rarely ever play my guitar, much less try to write songs. I find myself lying in bed, nodding off every day... engulfed in my own inner bliss, comepletely cut off from the rest of the world. But I like it..... maybe I could just keep going like this without any real consequences? I believed this up until recently. I've lost 3 jobs in the past 6 months. I don't understand why, but i'm beginning to think that maybe it's the fact that I cannot truly interact with anyone else and understand their emotions. I'm like a robot, programmed to be calm and collected all the time. Someone could be shot right in front of me and I wouldn't really give a shit. I mean yeah, I'd help, i'd call the police, i'd say all the right things to try and make them feel better till the ambulance got there, but there would be no true emotion. I would still be as calm and unchanged as ever. I believe that methadone has been a sort of "wolf in sheep's clothing," in that what seemed to be the answer to all of my problems has become just another chapter in my addiction. Now what to I do? I'm scared to find another job, because I know that I will not be able to connect with anyone around me, and I can only fake it for so long. My apathy will eventually get me fired. "You just don't seem like you're really happy to be here." "You don't seem like you care." "You seem like you'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else." These are quotes from my bosses that seem to be echoed with each new job I get. It's always a huge surprise to me too, especially with my last job, I was so happy when I got the call that I was hired. I worked as hard as I could, did everything right, and thoroughly enjoyed my job, yet somehow I gave the impression that I didn't care. Because my emotions are so masked by the drug that they almost aren't even real.
I don't know what to do.... I feel lost. I don't understand what i'm doing wrong. I try so hard, but I still fail. Is it really the drugs doing this to me? Or is it something different
I really don't know... and I can't look back and try to figure it out because the past is all just a groggy blur. Like i've been living life half asleep. If you use opiates, please think twice about what you are doing. There comes a point where in order to stop, you risk losing your life, and at that point the addiction may be with you forever. I absolutely HATE when I meet someone new and find out they are taking lortabs or percocets, asking everyone at work if they can get them some, not realizing the danger they are putting themselves in. A lot of people will never cross the line into addiction, but just the fact that it COULD happen should be reason enough not to even start. I have used every drug out there, and have managed not to become addicted to any of it. Cocaine, meth, benzodiazepines, etc. yet this one drug has completely turned my life upside down, and I have become a slave to it and I have no way out.
Anyways, sorry for the rant. I just wanted to have something to look back on in the future so I can remember where I was at, and what I was feeling. And hopefully one of my friends will read this and maybe it will atleast make you ask the question "Is it worth it?" That's all I can really hope for. And it's the only thing that truly gives me a feeling of satisfaction or worth anymore. Knowing that someone else will never have to be where I am.
(Originally Written April 27, 2007)
Anyone who knows me also knows my addiction. I've been an opiate addict for about 3 years now, and opiates have given me emotions ranging from blissful and euphoric, to emotions of complete and utter despair, even bringing me to the brink of death. I've always stressed to all my friends how much it means to me that I not see anyone else in my life fall victim to this drug. The only sense of hope or satisfaction I have in life is that maybe I have convinced someone not to start using opiates, or maybe I have prevented someone from going over the edge and finding themselves so deep in addiction that there are only two choices, remain an addict, or die........ Remain an addict, or die, it seems like a stretch, a few years ago I would have been the first to say that anyone has the power to stop using a drug anytime they want, it's all mental. But that was before I realized that opiates not only suck you in mentally, but physically. To a point where without them, you will be left on the brink of death, sweating, suicidal, shaking, with the most hopeless, agonizing feeling humanly possible.
I write this mostly for myself, to sort of see the big picture of what has happened to me over 3 years of addiction, and to give me a point of reference in the future, but also I write with the hope that maybe someone will actually listen. I've lied to the most important people in my life, stolen from my own mother and the friends who have been there for me since the beginning. There was a point where every word I spoke, every action I made was for one purpose - to get my fix. It didn't matter who I had to lie to, what I had to steal, who got hurt in the process, I had to feel that euphoria wash over my body, the beautiful feeling that I was flying through the clouds, wrapped in a warm, comfortable blanket. I had to get rid of the pounding, relentless headache, the feeling that I had to scream, but I couldn't move, I wanted to be able to live, but at the same time prayed for death. The only time I worried about who I hurt was once I was high, calm, relaxed, apathetic. And then my emotions were so masked by the drug that I still didn't really care, I just made myself believe I cared to help myself feel better about my addiction. All that mattered was the drug, and the person I lied to more than anyone else through this period of my addiction was myself. I had to maintain that everything I was doing was the right thing to do. I had to manipulate everything in my mind, until I was living in a different reality than everyone else, and I sounded completey absurd to anyone that I explained my actions to.
Eventually I went to rehab, but I knew that rehab wasnt the end of my addiction. Even in rehab I found myself digging in a trash can full of used syringes for half a lortab at the bottom, only stopping when I realized that the last thing I needed was HIV or some other illness from getting pricked with someone else's syringe. So finally I succumbed to the fact that I was not going to get away from this addiction. I tried Suboxone, an opiate based drug that is supposed to keep you from withdrawing but not get you high. It worked for awhile, but I found myself craving more, and with Suboxone, more didn't mean getting higher, it peaked at 6mg and that wasn't nearly enough to satisfy me. I finally went to a methadone clinic where I was accepted as one of the worst cases they had seen in a long time. I had needle marks all over my arms from shooting up Roxicodone pills to get an effect that felt as good as heroin. They started me off at 50mg instead of the normal 20mg. I felt amazing, and it lasted over 24 hours. I realized that I could use Methadone to live my life every day and be a happy, calm person. I could be anything I wanted to be, do anything I wanted to do without having to worry about where to get my next fix! Methadone seemed like the cure to all of my problems, and I was happier than I had been in years. My family started to talk to me again, my friends started coming back, people began to rebuild the trust I had broken. However it didn't take long for me to realize that it was all just an elaborate dream. I found myself in a place where all emotions were dulled. Nothing could impress me, nothing was shocking, I was completely apathetic. The quote "Religion is the opiate of the masses" began to make a lot more sense to me at this point, realizing that opiates could be used as a way to take the edge off anything negative you felt in your life. It was a way to give you an edge above everyone else, I had stability, and I knew that nobody else could be as calm and composed as me. However, with this also came the fact that I could not feel the emotions of others. I found myself trying to grasp the feelings my girlfriend would be describing when something bad happened in her life, but I could not relate. I had no reaction. Complete apathy. I could comfort her, give her advice, but I didn't REALLY understand why these things bothered her, or anyone else for that matter. All my emotions had been boxed up and hidden away. I used to love to write and make music. Since I have been on methadone, I believe this is the first blog post I have written. I rarely ever play my guitar, much less try to write songs. I find myself lying in bed, nodding off every day... engulfed in my own inner bliss, comepletely cut off from the rest of the world. But I like it..... maybe I could just keep going like this without any real consequences? I believed this up until recently. I've lost 3 jobs in the past 6 months. I don't understand why, but i'm beginning to think that maybe it's the fact that I cannot truly interact with anyone else and understand their emotions. I'm like a robot, programmed to be calm and collected all the time. Someone could be shot right in front of me and I wouldn't really give a shit. I mean yeah, I'd help, i'd call the police, i'd say all the right things to try and make them feel better till the ambulance got there, but there would be no true emotion. I would still be as calm and unchanged as ever. I believe that methadone has been a sort of "wolf in sheep's clothing," in that what seemed to be the answer to all of my problems has become just another chapter in my addiction. Now what to I do? I'm scared to find another job, because I know that I will not be able to connect with anyone around me, and I can only fake it for so long. My apathy will eventually get me fired. "You just don't seem like you're really happy to be here." "You don't seem like you care." "You seem like you'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else." These are quotes from my bosses that seem to be echoed with each new job I get. It's always a huge surprise to me too, especially with my last job, I was so happy when I got the call that I was hired. I worked as hard as I could, did everything right, and thoroughly enjoyed my job, yet somehow I gave the impression that I didn't care. Because my emotions are so masked by the drug that they almost aren't even real.
I don't know what to do.... I feel lost. I don't understand what i'm doing wrong. I try so hard, but I still fail. Is it really the drugs doing this to me? Or is it something different
I really don't know... and I can't look back and try to figure it out because the past is all just a groggy blur. Like i've been living life half asleep. If you use opiates, please think twice about what you are doing. There comes a point where in order to stop, you risk losing your life, and at that point the addiction may be with you forever. I absolutely HATE when I meet someone new and find out they are taking lortabs or percocets, asking everyone at work if they can get them some, not realizing the danger they are putting themselves in. A lot of people will never cross the line into addiction, but just the fact that it COULD happen should be reason enough not to even start. I have used every drug out there, and have managed not to become addicted to any of it. Cocaine, meth, benzodiazepines, etc. yet this one drug has completely turned my life upside down, and I have become a slave to it and I have no way out.Anyways, sorry for the rant. I just wanted to have something to look back on in the future so I can remember where I was at, and what I was feeling. And hopefully one of my friends will read this and maybe it will atleast make you ask the question "Is it worth it?" That's all I can really hope for. And it's the only thing that truly gives me a feeling of satisfaction or worth anymore. Knowing that someone else will never have to be where I am.