Post?

I've been thinking about posting here in my blog for 2 days now. I don't know. I guess I'm hesitant of the reactions I would get. I know my thinking is often illogical, but it doesn't make it any less real to me. Plus I don't think it would help to write about it anyway.

In short, REALLY short.
I had a great weekend with my bf! No fighting at all. I've kinda learned that its not worth getting worked up about something rather small things and starting a fight. A whole weekend without a fight. It was great. Pick your battles huh?

But as much as I care about Sean and honestly I do...My ex is still on my mind. I really wish I could forget that some people exist. But I just can't. Him and his new "love", barf. Been together a WHOLE FREAKING MONTH. Guess he has to have someone for his fat ass to fuck while he is home. I take some very very small comfort that I'm prettier than she is...although being 98 pds doesn't help me.

Sean and I were talking about basic needs for food, sex and sleep. He said that perhaps if I like food more he would enjoy sex more. Makes me a lil sad and frustrated. I feel so helpless to do anything.

 

Are u fuckin kidding me? Your bf is screwin someone else and has that kind of a blase attitude toward you? Dunno maybe I'm misunderstanding, I'm whacked at the moment, but wtf I doesn't look like it. I think he's getting away with treating u like a peice of shit, even though he claims you're too clingy or something. His fat ass to fuck while he is home....uh ur skinny ass is not available to him at home? Not good enough? Shaking my head at him. Oh brother. The funny thing is, yeah you prolly are prettier, but I think the point is the fact if YOU felt prettier to yourself, then you'd radiate conficence to others, attracting people like magnects. Odd I should be telling u this too, considering I've been whining about how sobriety trashed my beauty with fat.

Other people's fat doesn't bother me. I can still see their beauty, but I'm having a hell of a time honestly accepting my own because I haven't been thin since I got clean 2 yrs ago and won't unless I use everyday for the next 9 months. Sounds great, but don't think that's gonna happen, but the point is this: I remember when I did drop the weight at first, maybe a couple people told me I was too thin, perhaps I was, but because I thought I looked hot, so did everyone else almost, and if they didn't I didn't give a fuck. If I was able to feel that way about my body now, all this disgusting weight put on, the same thing would happen. Confidence spreads and infects others like wildfire and once I manage to think I'm beautiful, everyone else's opion is nothing but gravy. Same with you.

I'd be happy to graft on 10, 15, or 20 + lbs for free if you want, haha. Knowing something intellectually and feeling it emotionally are 2 different things though. If I could be you for a day, I'd be walkin around soo happy with myself and most likely ur bf would feel it too. So, I'm trying to graft some self confidence onto your spirit, you're beautiful ok! Once you feel better about yourself, I think you'd be with a man that really does appreciate you. Am I making any sense or am I sounding like meth ramble?

 

Forget your ex. If he was stupid enough to leave a smokin' hot girl like you, he wasn't good enough for you. And what's up with your BF saying he don't enjoy sex with you? I have had big girls and skinny girls. Skinny flexible girls are way better in bed. I wonder if he is just using that to help you to gain weight for health reasons, men are stupid like that. Thanks for not giving up on your blog. I hope that no one in your friends is a stupid a@# like the guy who published your post. I would be pissed.

 

TJ5- the person you referance in your first part is an ex...Can't get over the abusive asshole. I wish I could. He desrves to be miserable for what he did to me and hes not. I wish I could forget some people exist. ight wanna sober up a bit before posting huh? :D Much love anyway Its the thought that counts really.

 

Oh the bf enjoys it. Its just the fact that I have hit 98 pounds, turns him off a bit. I can't blame him, its kinda sick. But I don't know what to do. I have no motivation to eat. I can't force myself to eat. I'll be seeing a dr. I SHOULD weight 115 pds. we will have to see what he says. Do you think he could help me? I want help....but I'm also afraid of "the fat" But I've been told time and time again, you really need to get some weight on, you look kinda sick. I went from a 6 to a 4 or a 2. I in what a year or 2 without trying at all.

I hope so too. I hope someone I added isn't going t hurt me like that again. Although other BLers have suffered worse if you can believe that. I try not to give up on it. But I can't say I trust it, some much could be used as ammo against me. I don't want to edit my blog, that's not REAL ya know. Its just a facade.