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Haven't ever really heard much from CD Soundsystem, I've seen the name thrown around on message boards but that's about it. This is the first track I heard on XM Radios BPM channel which also happens to be a remix. Didn't care for it too much other than the beat at first, but the more you listen to it, the more it grows on you.

File information:
  • Title: You Wanted a Hit (Keljet Remix)
  • Artist: LCD Soundsystem
  • Album: This Is Happening (Deluxe Version)
  • Genre: Electronic
  • Year: 2010
  • Bit rate: 128 Kbps
  • File size: 4.8 MB

Additional info
  • This file is iTunes ready meaning it has the album art, genre, year, disc number, track number, & even lyrics already embedded in the ID3 tag so there is no editing once you import the file into your mp3 application of choice. All the hard work is done for you, enjoy!
  • If you like having organized ID3 tags and would like more songs like this one, you can keep up-to-date on files I upload by bookmarking my 4shared account by clicking the link provided (recommended):
    http://www.4shared.com/u/JmNDX6mS/Leroy_G.html
  • You can also bookmark my blog and check the downloads category, however not necessarily will all the songs on my 4shared account be posted in there.
  • If for some reason the download link is broken, the file is missing any ID3 info (lyrics, album art, etc), or anything is wrong, send me a message via bluelight with the problem, link to the post, and I will get it fixed.

Preview & download:
(So up until now i have had to access bluelight from my mobile phone as my old laptop is broken. But now i can keep my promise and post a regular blog.)

This entry is dedicated to 'Binge Artist'

I had said to my agency i would be available for work today from 11am til close as a favour to the big boss (i was supposed to be off today and had planned to see a friend tonight). I hardly ever get work that til early evening, so i planned to get up, shower, shave, do my hair and nails before 11am and go back to bed. Since my pain levels only became manageable about 6 this morning (i'm making a guess that its something to do with plasma levels) after starting my oxynorm yesterday afternoon i had hardly slept at all when the phone woke me at 9.30am. It was the agency asking if i could get ready in 1/2 an hour to be picked up for a job. I agreed (need the money as have been off work ill so much recently) and got ready, until looking good and glam and sexy, superfast. I swallowed down some pain pills, vitamins, ginseng and a caffeine and glucose pill with a 'rockstar' orange flavour energy drink in a desperate effort to kick start my exaughsted self properly awake.
My driver drove me about half an hour away and i started to liven up a bit as caffeine effects me strangely strongly. The client was staying in a small family run guesthouse where i had to ring the bell and wait for the owner to answer the door
Some days weeks ago a man dressed inappropriately for the occasion comes to see me yelling banging on the outside otherside of my front door with his knuckles yelling "captain captain captain captain captain captain captain captain!" so i hid behind the sofa until he left. it was three o'clock in the morning. i had been shooting cocaine all night and howling prayers at my reflection in the blackened television screen.

i can't believe we met on this lonely crowded street, i told the famous junkie in the box, the wordsmith with the wanton ways, wearing his gorilla suit trying to scare me but it won't work. i saved the heroin for when the sun was coming up and when it did i thought about loading the whole mess up in one shot and doing what that chicken shit god should have done a long time ago, but i was also the chicken shit as well, too. ariadne wept.

i watched the boiling glow of the wicked sun pushing out the blessed darkness through the windows in my kitchen, falling on my face every so often sitting cross legged on the floor amongst the blood and piss and cum splattered throughout the place, the walls decorated with the heads of all my previous victims, each one more difficult to wrestle to their death than the last. i poured myself the last drink of scotch from the bottle before shattering it against the floor and walking barefoot into the living room, the glow of the muted television set blowing up the room.

i ran around naked gathering all the sheets, towels, blankets i could find and armed myself with duct tape, a hammer and a nailgun autographed by the last crucified broken necked surfer child to own the beaches and wow the fans. when the deed was done it was nighttime again and my wings were fashioned out of gold. there was to be no lament for any of the escaped.

with the nailgun i shot out the rest of the artificial lights, shot up the coke. the back of my hands looked like they belonged to a leper. i quarantined myself just to be safe.

and i swear to god, it's not my fault this mask i wear
this gloom i bear

when the man returned i was prepared. "captain!" he said kicking down the door with his boots. "captain captain captain captain!" i donned the warpaint without regard for fashion or falling apart , failing miserably or fun. captain captain captain captain captain captain captain captain we are not alone

walking through the walls he says i'm unarmed he says here! throwing an envelope at my feet and then being still, his arms up in the air without me having to tell him to do so. i come out from behind the couch unashamed.

i don't buy a word of it, i tell him. my brain operates like a burning bridge.

"she's a sinking ship!" he yells over his shoulder, running into the hills and shielding himself beneath the protection of the trees. how i found out about her death was not from the phone calls or the conversations but, sometimes you just know these things. the funeral was nothing like building a house, but it collapsed anyways and an entire generation of christ child's were smothered to death in the rubble. the village never recovered. the newspaper went under and the entire system failed. i managed to survive the riots but things have never been the same. hip to their hypotenuse their geometric ways...
Okay, this is going to be long, and about the ex-bf I mentioned up thread who told me to keep it up with the ED if it was working for me, just to set the stage. The beginning part you may have heard already, but it's important to the story if you haven't, which is why I included it.

Two weeks ago he did some shit for my dad and then came over to pick up the money my dad owed him. My parents weren't home, and of course, he waltzed in and decided to start telling me all about the new girl he was seeing. I was trying my best to ignore him and how shitty he was making me feel, so I was messing around on the computer while he was talking.

Apparently that made him mad so he grabbed it away from me, ran into my room with it, and started looking through my stuff. He found some pics I took for the nudie thread in the lounge and proceeded to call me a whore and a slut and he brought up the fact that he believed I wasn't really raped like I claimed but rather I was prostituting myself or at the very least had it coming for being a tease. This was a huge trigger for me so when he started trying to leave I tried to hit him and stop him because I was so NOT finished with him.

He easily shoved me aside. I fell into the cabinet next to the door, hitting my head and getting a bump and a bloody gash (looked worse than it was though).

A couple days ago he contacted me again and was telling me how sorry he was and he reacted out of anger mainly because he was so upset over the rape himself and he was worried about what I was getting myself into posting naked/semi-naked photos on the internet. He profusely apologized for shoving me (like he always does) and told me he wanted to make it up to me.

I knew better than to say yes. I really did. But I have just been so lonely for so long that I really wanted a human connection again and I missed how it was when we were still good together (when we were good, we were really good, it just wasn't that often).

So we went out for food today. I got a salad and some soup and it came with bread. He just watched me eat. Obviously, this made me feel uncomfortable, so I just put down my silverware and stopped, trying to just ignore my food and talk to him instead. He refused to let me though, and told me that he paid for the food and it was really rude of me to think about wasting it.

It made me think that maybe he was finally being sympathetic or something and was telling me that it was okay, he liked me how I was, but I should have known better--he was just trying to add himself back onto the list of things that have control over me.

When I finished eating he said to me "Good to see you still have a healthy appetite. Do you need to go to the bathroom before we leave?"

Obviously, after that comment, I did.

We left the restaurant and went back to my house. He had brought coke and speed and needles and I had some heroin. We got completely fucked up doing all of those drugs and speedballs too and I was just out of my mind and really depressed and lonely and he wanted to have sex and even though part of me wanted to say no, a bigger part just wanted to feel wanted, so I just gave in more or less.

It was actually okay aside from the fact that not everything was functioning perfectly thanks to the drugs. Well, it was okay until it was over and he was leaving and he opened his mouth again.

There was around a ball of coke and almost 2gs of speed left (on top of the H that was mine) and he told me I should just keep it because "that way can just curb my hunger instead of being nasty and throwing up because that's not cute."

Yeah.

Yeah, he fucking actually said and did all that shit. It fucking DESTROYED me. Seriously. I was doing okay and even after the whole thing in the restaurant, at least since we had sex I felt somewhat sexy and wanted and then he just ripped any shred of self-confidence I had built up in the time I'd been away from him, which is, I'm sure, exactly what he wanted to do because he probably noticed that I was starting to be happy again and he couldn't have that.

He is also like my one really significant romantic relationship and therefore really all I know about males and I have no idea how to go about experiencing a healthy relationship with a guy. I know that how he treats me isn't how I'm supposed to be treated. In fact, my aunt was physically and emotionally abused during her marriage when I was younger and I always said that I would never let that happen to me and somehow I got myself involved in exactly that.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, though if you have some of course I will listen.

I more or less just need to get that all out cause I seriously felt like just taking all those drugs and ODing after he left. Luckily I had some people I was talking to who just took my mind off of everything until I sobered up.
Today was good day. I don't know why but it was good and ended on very good note. Very strange considering way that I been feeling. Walked into town to get something to drink and then headed over to market to see girlfriend. However brief, enjoyed time we got to see each other. Walking outside market with arms around each other the clouds were a color of pink unlike any other that I have seen and bursted with an aura of serenity that was unreal. Then walking home afterward with crisp yet warm air... Crazy how such a simple short moment and sight can be so beautiful. Left me with feeling that I thought I lost forever years ago. So many beautiful things as of late and moments of joy that were once so fleeting amidst wake of chaos that has subsided over past year. Future still uncertain. Still not sure how life will turn out and how will end. Perhaps not by own hands as I always thought.
Ironically, even with the aches, pains, and sore muscles, that one little mini drug vacation was awesome. I somehow feel refreshed, only I certainly do NOT want to do that again until the middle of May, and only with just a little bit like last time. That 1/4 gram was the perfect amount and the big old shot of smack that Aimee gave me, I divided into 3 doses. I won't be doing any more of that shit either. I only have left the last 3rd and it's not like I'm over anxious to do it, but how long does it last in the syringe before it goes bad? Now I'm back to tapering down with the painkillers. I took 3 today, I think I'll try 2 with grapefruit juice tomorrow and see how I do. It

felt refreshing for a change not to want to eat so goddamned much since last Saturday. I dunno, for some reason if I'm not doing dope, and since I don't smoke cigs, I feel like I always have to have either food or at the very least a drink in my hand, even though it's only water or iced tea 90% of the time. I don't do the alcohol gig. Never was my thing. I'd really dig a message right now. If I can find a place open tomorrow early, maybe I'll treat myself to one, but it's back to basics now. I'll start tapering on the painkillers only again

tomorrow. A fun mini meth vacation in May like the one I had is something to look forward to, but not to chase. Everyone and Sam in NA has called me, so instead of avoiding them, like old behavior I returned their calls saying I'm ok, don't trip. I had dinner and went to the meeting late tonight and had coffee with Jeff afterwards. It is good to have people that care about you, I've learned. So while I'm not gonna play the hypocrit and say I have continuous clean time, I do want to stay in touch with my friends. But damn, how great it felt to write again, not be so damn tired all the time again, not eat so much again, bond with my old rhythm and blues Doors friends again, feel connected again....and whole again.
Went in to work early today. Starting to get along nicely with manager and co-workers. Manger is pleased with productivity. As a result, will be getting more hours. Decided not to go to NA meeting this evening. Do not care if I get thrown off Suboxone program as result. Depressed over a lot of things, feels like there is a key where my mouth used to be. Lost lot of friends when kicked out of flat the other day. Just can't talk to them anymore. This has me very sad.

Went to barbershop for haircut after work. Hair looks good. Doing eyebrows later. Then working out. Have gotten back into body building over the past few months. Making good progress. Having girlfriend over later. Only thing in life now that brings me joy. Keeps me from breaking apart. Wish I could give her the world. I love her more than life itself. Time for shower.
http://redlight.19.forumer.com/viewtopic.php?p=1928#1928

You know our world has to be based on trust. But now I have learned that my journals have been posted on another sight just to be made fun of and shit. I am SO FUCKING ANGRY AND HURT it isn't even funny. And just when I was thinking it might be alright...and it doesn't matter how much I cry or fucking whatever I can't fix it. I wasn't lying when I said people seek out to hurt me. People make fun of me and call bullshit, but this is fucking proof.
FUCK YOU ALL ASSHOLES!
Strange thoughts in head as of late. Getting thrown out of flat is bitter sweet. Can express self and live without restraint now. Living under a new roof now, as much as I love old friends I cannot let them know where I am now.

Work was exhausting today. Rearranged store room and unloaded and organized numerous pallets by hand. Got home and passed out. Woke up hour ago to text message from girlfriend. She wanted to let me know how happy I made her. I told her how beautiful she makes life. Really has no clue to the extent I mean that. Makes life really worth it. Might not be here tonight typing this if it was'nt for her. Surely would not be person I am today. Still depressed but now there is glimmer of joy.

Broken as always I was when you came
So lost inside my thoughts where darkness rained
I was afraid for someones touch to feel so right.
But you came out like a ray of sun to melt the ice.

You brought me light
And saved my life
And through my darkest nights
Your loved shined on me
Your love shined on me.
You touched my soul
you gave me hope
And if my world goes cold,
Your love shines on me.

No longer scared to love i feel complete
Your eyes transcend me
Your touch sets me free
There is no safer place for me than in your arms
There is no doubt in my mind you'll keep me safe from harm.


Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Only two doses of Suboxone left. Have not been doing NA meetings like doctor asked. Do not care if thrown off program. Doctor only does short detox program anyways, no long term maintenance. Have not used heroin in two weeks. Future is still uncertain.
The full flooded emotionality hide me like a tidal wave, but you know what? Fucking ANYTHING is better than permanent kicking! The whole body aches, sore ass muscles, all came back to me, but I haven't done any more meth. I couldn't go on the NA vacation because that means taking off my whole work week. I for once want some vacation time for me. Aimee wants to go to this nice, cheap motel that Linda took her for her birthday, just the two of us to kick back and party. Sounds like the best damn vacation, speaking of which I haven't had a vacation from work for over 2 years. One advantage of planing a vacation with a full time dope fiend is the fact she can take Mon-Fri off instead of fucking Thurs-Sunday making me lose 4 days of pay. So, it's settled. I want to plan a little time off in May because there are 5 wks and I'll still have 4 pay periods, no 5 because I won't have to take my entire fucking work week off trying to accomodate non users and normies.

I'm glad I pretty much work alone during the dead of night so I don't have to explain my emoti0ns or look strange, so I wrote last night:

3/27/09 at 2:00am

I had a wonderful time. More than anyone except a very dedicated dope fiend can know. What happened? There was life before dope, until the tender age of 17 when the soft (pot) dope started. There was beauty, joy, and fun, the kind I truly missed for 2 years. I can't believe how well Erik had me pegged, even before I did, knowing the saddness would come. He called it seratonin depletion, but I don't know. Coming down off X was no problem. Then this time 1/4 gram of meth, although it had been almost 2 1/2 years I'd seen sister Crystal.

I was/am blessed to have the love god H and painkillers preventing what I'd always dreaded as apathy from speed come down. The dopemine is leaving, but the lullaby of the blissful but wistful seratonin to take its place. The perks of the meth once again returning- the euphoria, the enthusiasm for writing full force-I've had writer's block for so long as far as poetry goes. Still, I was too nervous to attempt to write like I used too, inhibited of worries concerning my Mom monitoring my moods, fuck. I want a fucking scheduled vacation like I had in the past: 90 days clean/5 days using + 2 days to recover. That worked wonderfully for 2 and a half years. Here's an old piece inspired by Mr. Prick (shooting meth for those that don't know what I'm talking about:

6/21/02





The Spoon And The Needle



By Tanya T





All around the pile of glass

The spoon chases the needle

That’s how the crystal goes so fast

Through the kiss of the steel



Why bother with a teenager

When an 8 balls so much meaner?

$250 gone

Poof! Through the needle



Taking the spoon by the hand

On the dance floor with the needle

To music by the Cotton Band

Better than the Beatles



Up and down

Round they go

With Tina see them

Do ce do



Kick to the left

Stepping to the right

Tina wants to dance all night!



Bump and grind

With rhythm and rhyme

Shaking her booty

To her partner's behind



Spoon to the left

Twist and shake

Needle to the right

She seals her fate



Into the cleft of the spoon she goes

Dancing with water,

A top she knows

Delving into her loins

She's melting here goes!



Here comes the needle

His ass is big

He grinds her into the spoon

She digs



Next comes the cotton

A little tight ball

Horny and hot

A sweet little doll



She screams out in ecstasy

She's wetter than hell

The needle sucks her juice so well

He should serve all eternity in jail



Fast and furious

With lust and desire

The spoon and the needle

Are hot and on fire



There's no turning back

I'm ready to go

To dance with the rig

Tonight I'm his ho!



I see my forbidden lover

His energy, his presence, radiating like no other

That stance he takes

Says it all



Unrequited danger is he

He summons me

Daring me to take the bad boy on



I quietly submit

To his razor sharp kiss

Into his arms I melt

Sweet surrender, such bliss

Is the needle's sharp kiss



"Welcome home my love," he whispers

My Spike, My Steel

My Rig, My Point, My Sexy Outfit

My One True Prick,



"You waited for me!," I say

"Of course, my silly bitch

I told you before

You will once again

Be my own private whore



Not just for a week

A month or a day

I'm a jealous lover

But patient beyond all reason

I'll prove time and time and season



I don't care how long you venture astray

I'll always be with you

No matter how long you’re away



One day you'll come back

To submit once again

As my servant, my slave



Remember I'm the only One

Those sacred vows you took for fun

Will never be undone



You were my wife,

A marriage of bondage

I was your pain, your passion,

Your chain, your life



Come my sweet mistress

My slut, my bitch

Let's go on a trip

To the stars and get hitched"



"My lover, my prick,

My devil, you DICK

Come taste my blood



My passions are high

Come drink from the well of my veins,

Get drenched in the flood



Feed your perversions,

Your sinful desires

My heart is aflame

My innocence tainted



Your danger enticing

Your poison is great

Your lips tasting of venom

I love to hate



"Yes Your Corruptness

I see you haven't changed

Your flavors of deceit,

Ever so exquisite they range!



I'm back once again

My giver of pain

To revel in the stick

As my blood wets your dick



I missed you my asshole, my master

For what is a man?

But a life support system for a COCK!



My true husband you are

You're my dream, my star

Whether near or far

You're forever in my heart

No matter how long we're apart



Even though evil snake

My soul you can and will take

If given your way

Your prisoner I would stay



But unlike other men

I know where you've been

I know how you are

And what to expect



Cunning, seductive, such masculine strength

I'm awed by your charms

I have much respect,

You go to great lengths



To take me to places,

Without you I'd never go

You've a million different faces



You're my teacher, my preacher

My Judas, my savior,

My enemy, my best friend



You are my contradiction

You're a thorn in my side

You're my pain, my rose

From you I cannot hide



For now you are my love

My Romeo who shines bright light above

You're my needle and spoon

My poison I love



I'm back lover boy

Let's go for a ride

To the end of creations



My lips you will kiss

Wrap me in your bliss

You bad boy, you master of intoxication



Take me to eccentric creations

Show me your new, electric sensations

Take me to planet intoxication!"





"My mistress, my slave

My lover, my wife

Come let us repeat our sacred vows

I don't care for how long

A week, or for life





My illicit lover and mistress

With this needle I thee wed

I will keep your illusions alive

And your monkey fed



Until your veins are dry

And your soul is bled

I will protect you at all times



From life you so dread

And deliver deception

Until the day you're dead."



"I will not promise forever,

Your Deadliness," I say

"Humor me then",

He says with an evil grin



Ok what the fuck

For old times sake

I'm completely insane

A glutton for pleasure and pain

To you, I repeat my vows again



With this needle I Thee wed

I will forsake all others

To be with you instead

Until my veins are dry

And my soul is bled



From this day forward

I will take only you to bed

And love ONLY you

Until the day I'm dead.



His eyes light up then he says,

"Promise to obey me too?"



"You're pushing it my sick,

Sorry ass lover

Of blood spilling,

Corrupter of virgin veins



The day I promise to obey you

Is the day the quest

For intoxicating chemicals

Ceases to plant the seeds



Of corrupt desire in human kind

You'll have a mighty long wait

I hope you like to masturbate."



"That's what I love about you," he says.

A defiant slave,

Is a delightful slave,

Waiting to be broken."



There ends round one

Of a wicked jig

With the spoon and the needle



I have 8 more pages I wrote last night. I wish I could go on line and type. It would make me feel better, plus I have to feel inspired enough to write all this crap down. I'm going to start reprinting my old work so people understand what I'm talking about. It was a gift from Mr. Prick, writing just flowed and unless one loves writing, it's probably difficult to grasp the concept that being blocked has felt like a sort of death for me the past 2 years. I'm not saying I want to return to the difficult existence of doing nothing but chasing a high, although even that had its freedom and fun. I'm not trying to come up with an excuse to go back to using full time, but I wish I could have the writer's block removed, plus this disgusting fat. It sure as fuck would sweeten the idea of full time sobriety. So for now, there it is.
I lost a couple of heavy fucking entries. Sigh. It's not often the shit I write is light reading to be sure, but I had all these mixed feelings and I don't know, probably this mega chem fest I bombarded myself with has a lot to do with it. The good thing is that I sure as fuck don't feel the dreaded apathy that's been accompanying the tamadol addiction because I got a couple of big ass older, bader boys to uproot the tramadol w/d's, since I failed with my own detox. All I can say is that for what it's worth, you sure as shit find out what you're made of when tapering off any dope, especially any particular kind that happens to be especially intense. Sometimes in the past, others have told me how strong I was (not that it was anything remotely near easy.) That was mostly during the 3 months off and one week on, doing a teenager in a week of quality meth and just cutting it off either cold turkey, or if fortunate, I'd have some painkillers to help with the come down.

The 30 pill a day Rx habit when I was 30 was extremely unpleasant as well. I suffered 2 intense wks of w/ds (being ignorant of proper tapering) and by the 3rd week, the physical was manageable, but the intense fucking cravings 24/7 were torture. God I was a mess. Anyway, like I said, I lost some entries, gone forever, maybe for the best. I had to go through my list and make sure only 3 people can actually read my blog cause I'm kinda embarassed knowing I'd written how the clean life and the Steps were it from now on, blah blah. I cannot believe some of the shit I have done in my life. Get on intense dope. Get off intense dope. Fly to Dublin to have an affair with a complete stranger completely sober back in 2001 with $40 to my name. I was damn lucky he was true to his word and supported me during my one week stay in a classy hotel, buy my food, be my tour guide, give me spending money, and hell give me $400 to fix my car.

I had been practicing my using schedule then, which was why I was able to get away from Mr. Prick for that time. At the same time, I was so damn shy, that I wished for sister Crystal in the worst way if only to make me unafraid to venture out in Dublin on my own. I was afraid because I get lost with 2 hands and a flashlight. (of course I did get lost) People's accents were so thick in places I had no idea what the fuck they were saying and had I been on speed, I wouldn't have been afraid to joke and ask until I understood what they were talking about. I wished I had a friend that knew the place the entire time I was there, but Brendan and I were actually only together 3 days and nights. The rest of the time I was on my own and I was depressed, afraid of people, so I hid out in my room, all except for one day, when I got my ass good and lost in a very shitty area, of course leave it to me and my fucked up non existent sense of direction.

That has been one pain in the ass fucked up handicap I hate the most about myself. Anyway, he was a CEO, a mega suit that was the exact opposite of the kind of person I was, blue collar working class with a white collar education and a double life that he never would understand in a million years, like most normies. Still, to be admired, attended to sweetly in some classy joint, romanced, wined, and dined felt as if a starving lady got some exquisite chow of attentive affection and romantic physical closeness I've rarely enjoyed in my entire life. The double life of dope certainly had a great deal to do with it, but that wasn't the only reason. The men that wanted me I didn't want and the ones I wanted didn't want me, at least most of the time, and when there was mutual attraction, there was no romance, no wining, and dining, except for Don, the very first man I was engaged to and in love with me, Mexican and older as well. I felt smothered eventually by his extreme jealousy and possessiveness, and aside from him there was Brendan. Men older than I am from latin or european cultures tend to be the way American men at one time were in this country.

Mom would tell me all about the good old days of the late fifties and early sixties and how a lady got treated like a lady without expecting sex in return. In my drug haze, I had Erik, I felt so blessed because junkies give sweet, platonic, love. I had long ago surrendered and asked Mr. Prick to relieve me of my sex drive, which he certainly did willingly. Even after I got clean for a couple years, the drive was mercifully gone. Mr. Prick is the only man I've made love with or had sex with (in a chemical way) in a long time. Erik warned me I'd be a bit sad, and fuck he's right I'm feeling it. I took a very little amount of the smack given to me, but careful as hell to respect that bad ass. Only .15cc which was minimal, but I don't want to make the mistake of erring by giving myself too much. That would be awful. I scratched and threw up intensely the first time Erik had to leave and go work in New Mexico. The weird thing was neither one of us felt any ill effects until an hour later.

Now here I am. I'm sad. I'm sorry I never learned the proper amount of self love, and life skills, even after studying very intentely. I don't know what the purpose of my life here is and I'm sometimes as sad and lost as I was the days of my massive pill addiction and a homeless guy asked me for money. I burst into tears and told him I lost my job and what a horrible failure I was. I'll never forget his compassion. I let myself be rocked by his sweet, unwashed, homeless self and listened as he told me how sorry he was, he knows how hard it is to find work (I felt understood) and then proceeded to offer me money. I refused his $2, that he kept trying to give me, but that day I felt accepted by a member of a caste system, an outcast. It felt comforting to not feel alone for a change.
On my first visit to the vet I weighed 3.08 kilos. It was the next day that my worm problem was discovered and as such i didnt really eat for a day or so but despite all that, within one week I had put on more than a kilo because I weighed 4.25.
My next visit to the vet is on April 6 when i will be 12 weeks old and on that day i have to have lots of needles and also my micro chip inserted. The chip will sit just behind my neck in between my shoulder blades and its about the size of a grain of rice. If I ever get lost I can always be traced back to my boss.

I have also heard talk that I will be desexed very soon but Im not really sure what that means and since i trust my master, I figure it cant be all that bad........anyways it might even taste good. Ahhhh everything tastes good when your a puppy. Speaking of tasting good, I get three main courses every day. In the morning I get a mixture of a canned food that has real vegetables in it and nice chunks of meat and also some special dried puppy food. Then at lunchtime I usually have some chicken necks........I looooove chicken necks and they takle a long time to chew through and are sooo tasty. Sometimes we get doggy bones instead and at night its similar to breakfast. As well of course we get lots of doggy treats throughout the day and my personal favourite is the dried duck bits that i get when i do something good during training.

Im really good at sitting now and coming when my mastercalls is pretty good but still needs a bit of work. I was a bit scared of the chain saw today but was slowly overcoming that. There was a really big thunderstorm the other night and my master and myself and Casper all went outside under the pagola and played games. It was so much fun. I cant wait for the next thunderstorm cos they are the best even though they are really loud, I love them.

We get to go to play at the doggy playground almost every day and each day i am getting more and more confident and the last few days i have been chasing even the biggest of the other dogs. They are all reaslly good to me and realise im only little and they dont play to rough so its all good fun. Ohh guess what. Funny us talking about doggy park cos i have to go now seeing as my master just called..........its doggy park time.......see yas.
Due to the lack of trust and my personal problems and things VERY close to my heart that I chose to post here to prevent harmful comments being posted on public sites for the amusment of others. Only those who have proved themselves to be decent human beings will be allowed to read.

Thank you
Strange thoughts in head as of late. Getting thrown out of flat is bitter sweet. Can express self and live without restraint now. Living under a new roof now, as much as I love old friends I cannot let them know where I am now.

Work was exhausting today. Rearranged store room and unloaded and organized numerous pallets by hand. Got home and passed out. Woke up hour ago to text message from girlfriend. She wanted to let me know how happy I made her. I told her how beautiful she makes life. Really has no clue to the extent I mean that. Makes life really worth it. Might not be here tonight typing this if it was'nt for her. Surely would not be person I am today. Still depressed but now there is glimmer of joy.

Broken as always I was when you came
So lost inside my thoughts where darkness rained
I was afraid for someones touch to feel so right.
But you came out like a ray of sun to melt the ice.

You brought me light
And saved my life
And through my darkest nights
Your loved shined on me
Your love shined on me.
You touched my soul
you gave me hope
And if my world goes cold,
Your love shines on me.

No longer scared to love i feel complete
Your eyes transcend me
Your touch sets me free
There is no safer place for me than in your arms
There is no doubt in my mind you'll keep me safe from harm.


Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Only two doses of Suboxone left. Have not been doing NA meetings like doctor asked. Do not care if thrown off program. Doctor only does short detox program anyways, no long term maintenance. Have not used heroin in two weeks. Future is still uncertain.
Having a rough day. Was thrown out of flat by room mates. Always thought problem was them but turns out it was me. Ego was to big and always holding on to the past. Funny though, considering what low opinion I have of self. Was not able to change as well when everything else was changing around me. Have a new home now. Dosed Suboxone around 4pm. Felt relaxed for bit. Feeling depressed lately though. Wanted to see girlfriend tonight but she passed out like I did. Woke up to a text message from her apologizing. She is a real sweetheart. Wish i was able to spend more time with her. Makes me cry sometimes. I love her more than life itself.

Need to make four NA meeting in order to stay on Suboxone program. Really not buying the twelve step bullshit. People at meeting tell me to put faith in God. I ask them where God was when I was pumping bitter sweet liquid into my veins, or what kind of God creates such a substance. Will post for a little bit and then sleep. Work in a few hours. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
By now i figure that everyone should have worked out that i am in fact a puppy. And as such my master needs to find me a name.

My best friends name is Casper and also affectionately known as Cassie. Probably because she is completely white from head to toe. She is a Border collie Poodle cross and is the smartest dog I know. hmmm, did I mention before that she is also really cute and the love of my life? Ohh I did........oh well now you know I mean it.....lol.

So we are at the doggy park and Casper is playing with the other big dogs while i mostly stay around my master cos once i got smashed into by one of the other boofhead dogs and it bloody well hurt......stupid big oaf dog it is. Now while at the doggy park I hear the ladies talking about what to call me and they come up with names like bandit and woofy and stuff like that. I dunno, it just wasnt me really so I was really happy when master turned to me one day and said........Ace. Thats who you are. Your Ace.

Woohoo, I was somebody. But not just anybody. I was Ace. my master said it just doesnt get any better than that. So Ace it is.

Now that i had a name i always listen so carefully because everytime i hear my name called, i go running. I want to be the most obedient dog in the whole wide world.

I am now fully recovered from my worms problem and my coat is starting to get nice and shiny again and i have so much more energy which means i can play for a long time with Casper now although i still sleep most of the day and night.....lol, except when i wake my master up to let me out for a chance to relieve myself.

We have a really good system. Casper sleeps on the bed with the boss and I have been told that one day when I can last all night without needing to pee or poo that I can sleep up there to. I am trying very hard. But in the meantime I sleep in a box that originally came with a television in it. Its just big enough for me to have a really cool bed and I cant get out on my own cos its a bit to high but its right next to my masters bed and anytime i need to do stuff in the middle of the night I just climb up and call out and my master gets up to take me outside.

This is a picture of me and my bestest ever friend Casper.

Did I mention how cute she is? lol.........well she is.

So I get the word that there's some valium out so I go out and do what any benzo loving fool would do, I buy some. When I get them I hop on the old PC and check these out just to make sure they're ligit. Turns out this half ass drug dealer is passing off Medroxyprogesterone acetate valium. Now Medroxyprogesterone acetate is used by certain states as "chemical castration" for sexual predators. WHAT THE FUCK? seriously what the fuck? Who would pass that off for valium or better yet why? Anyway long story short i find the kid force him to take the pills back and give me my fucking money. But still What The Fuck.
As soon as my legal situation is settled, I am leaving this shit-hole, scum-sucking country and never looking back. Its fucking unbelievable how little it means to be a born-and-raised US citizen these days. How is it that I'm treated EXACTLY like an illegal Mexican immigrant? I'm not racist or anything like that, but I believe a US citizen should be treated differently than an illegal immigrant (from any country.) Shit, forget immigrants, animals are treated better than I've been treated by my home country. THE UNITED STATES JAIL/PRISON SYSTEM IS TORTURE. A caucasian US citizen should never be stopped for suspicion on his/her own street, based solely on how they look. I only say caucasian, because this country's government was founded by caucasians. I live in a nice neighborhood, and apparently its not safe to walk down my own street. Not unsafe because of criminals, but because of the police. FUCK THE POLICE. YOU ARE ALL GOING TO BURN IN HELL. KARMA IS REAL AND IT IS COMING FOR YOU. CORRECTIONS OFFICERS, HELL ISN'T WHERE YOU ARE GOING. THE PLACE YOU ARE HEADED IS MUCH, MUCH WORSE THAN ANY HELL YOU CAN IMAGINE. YOU ARE SO FUCKED. THE WAY YOU TREAT HUMAN BEINGS IS UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. YOU ARE ALL GONNA GET IT. Sleep well for now, but your day of reckoning is coming.

FUCK YOU!
By the 3rd day, I took 4 fiorinal #3'.s. I'm tired of kicking and thrashing around so I guess I'm stuck as a maintainance user.
I babysat for the first time in my life! I'm 38 and an ex IV coke user. I have NEVER babysat before or even thought someone like me would be a candidate.

To be truthful, I was a 'babysitter assistant'. 'M' was asked by her brother to watch the 5 or 6 year old twins and the 12 or 13 year old daughter. The neighbors asked if we could their two kids as well.

I dunno, it was neat. The kids pretty much took care of themselves and the 12/13 year old daughter (who is extremely intelligent) stepped in to handle the minor issues that occurred.

It was especially nice for me because it gave me a chance to get integrated with 'M's' family. We have all met before but this is different. THIS is a family I can relate to. They are so close and caring. I want to be a part of that. I have never seen this type of closeness before and I want to be good enough to be a part of it.

I think I am. Time and reality will tell.
I am craving SO SO Hard and I have nothing!! I can't order anything online because I have no debit or credit card if I did, I would have to wait a month for the tramadol to get here. I'm thinking about making pod tea and using paypal but I don't know shit about how to get the right pods. I did it a couple times before and NOTHING. GOD I'm going fucking insane. I am just sitting here crying. I want Tramadol SO SO bad. Hell I'd settle to be stoned but no one wants to set me up anymore with ANYTHING!
Sean doesn't understand, he doesn't want me on drugs so its not like I can turn to him to help me either...
I HATE THIS!
Talking with Edited ~spork left bad taste in mouth. He is foolish and immature, going off topic and answering questions in a stupid manner. Possibly homosexual? Must remember to investigate further.
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