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Right now all i want to do is doodle. If i want to turn something into a drawing, i get overwhelmed by the amount of markings, ornamentation, flourishes, etc etc etc i see myself wanting in my gut to add. basically, i just want to doodle lots of notebooks full of doodles.

i kind of wonder if ten notebooks full of small, casual doodles equals one notebook full of fully realized work. i'm not sure which i want to do (both probably).

im just looking forward to getting tons of space to spread out, and months stretching in front of me to work on some very large drawings. drawings where a .5mm line will really seem absurd because the paper surface is so large. thousands and millions of hatching, hairy markings, and organic squares piled upon one another in pieces that stretch all the way across my living room walls / floor on and on for months.

this sort of work will be where the doodles will pay off - i'll have a lot of notebooks and sketches to mine for material / shapes / and organizational schemes. thats what i need to do, more scheming.

Did not have work today. Just woke up. Feeling rather shitty. Thought the feelings were from reduced Suboxone dose. Already hours without dose by accident. No withdrawal symptoms. Talked to girlfriend briefly this morning, feeling just as bad as me. Sometimes question if I myself suffer from chronic PMS. Ha. That was joke. Laugh.

Having cigarette and then going to doctors appointment. Sick and tired of people telling me to go to NA meetings. Bane to my existence. Take away from time I wish to spend with others and myself.

Just got back from the doctors. Had some acupuncture done. Feel alright now, not great, but not bad either. Not as tired, but still feeling stressed and melancholy, although not as severe. Put about ten needles into me. One on each foot. One on each hand. And three in each ear. Doctor was decent. Talked about the acupuncture in medical terms and then dropped comment about ki to see how I would react. Him and I started talking about meditation, The Fourteen Meridians, Buddhism.

Called girlfriend. She is feeling better. Going down to see her when she gets off work. Try to cheer her up. Makes me happy when she is happy.

Went to her job and managed to cheer her up. Don't know how I do it sometimes considering attitude towards life and the way I feel. Seeing her smile made me smile. Just texted me thanking me up and down for visiting and professing love. Nice how we bring each others mood up when down.

No work tomorrow thank Elysium. Very tired. Been pushing body to breaking point lately with workout regime and steroid cycle. Trying to undue physical damage done by irresponsible heroin use. Great success thus far.

Suboxone dose cut again. Does not matter. At this point not needed.

Saved up and put away enough money to have writing published. Instructions put away as well. Written journal, this journal, Myspace journal, and certain Bluelight posts of other persona to be published if anything ever happens to me. Want world to know story. Perhaps others can learn from mistakes, find hope, or improve life based on experiences of mine and code and morals I live by.

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. Excited. Enjoy holiday. One day a year my strange behavior and humor considered normal and acceptable by society.

1) Get off the antihistamines now that I'm feeling a bit better, they really are life killers, I can survive on 1 every 3 days but 1 a day it feels like I'm robbed of part of my humanity.

2) Buy the book for the sodding course I'm taking this year, which is a re-hash of a course I took 3 years ago, which is all part of my degree. I took the course because it looked interesting but I'm really pissed that its nothing but the same sodding crap I've already done, but I'll be more pissed if I paid for it and don't do it. Do sodding multiple choice assignment before 11 Feb. Sodding course. I'm not too charmed with this, can you tell?

3) Get visa's and passports. I'm traveling this year

4) Go back to gym, had an active Feb, spent most of March with with ear infections and snot. But its better now!

5) Make contact with more people. Especially visit friends in Durban!!

6) Finish the 3 pieces I started writing earlier and post 'em

7) Start making plans and booking venues for Summer events (September).

8 ) Make more mixes, and post those buggers too!

Good morning!

As I discussed in my last blog post, after running out of 8mg Suboxone tablets, I got a refill from my doctor for 14 2mg tablets.

Today, I had 1 tablet left on file, and went to get it filled before class at my usual pharmacy. This pharmacy is by far the cheapest in my area.

So, I walk in and ask to get it filled, and as I am paying, the pharmacist tells me this single 2mg tablet is going to be $9.99!

I was stunned. I thought it had to be a mistake. 2mg are far more expensive per milligram than the 8mg tablets, but I couldn't believe it. Come to find out, there is a $9.99 minimum purchase.

I needed the fucking thing, so I just paid and left. But I wonder if this minimum is just on Suboxone, or if it is all narcotics.

I've gotten my Citalopram filled there before, and had to pay only $4 for a one-month supply.

It is insane, but obviously I had no choice but to pay. Has anyone else experienced this?

Springtime is here, and it's a bag of mixed blessings. On one hand, I can stop wearing sweatpants and 3 layers of socks around the house. On the other hand, the invasion is about to begin. During the first couple of weeks of April, for as long as I can remember, the insect and small mammals mount a tactical assault on my mom's 40+ year old rowhouse.

Ants, spidercrickets, cockroaches lead the charge. The mice are not as bad in this house. Thankfully I only see 1-2 of those little fuckers per year. Spidercrickets however, are the absolute worst. It's not uncommon for me to open the door to my room (in the basement of course, the natural habitat of drug addict failures such as myself) and spot 10-20 spidercrickets spread out all over the place.

They are roughly the size of a cockroach and they can jump 2 feet in the air. This ability makes them especially hard to kill. I've actually seen these alien-demon bugs jump into people's hair, and into their mouths, and onto plates of food. May almighty Yahweh himself please wipe them from the surface of this earth, amen.

On a serious note, I do not enjoy living in this house. It is a very filthy place. My mom is too depressed to clean anything, or cook anything. Garbage bags piles up on the kitchen floor until it stinks so bad, someone is forced to get rid of it. Tiny civilizations are slowly forming out of the 14 different types of mold that covers our only shower. It's really really dirty.

Lately, my mom has been so down, she can't even cook herself food, let alone clean anything. She'll just pour a bowl of cereal and stare at the TV. And this happens every single night. Once upon a time, I used to think that if I could make my mother happy if I went out into the world and became successful, but that was a long time ago. That was before my dad let me know that "she's always been like this and she always will."

If I cant find someone to help me clean this place, this year's invasion will be the worst one ever.

...and my antidrug.

sure, i just woke up with vicodin and klonipin everywhere, but fuck that un-god-ified shit. until its consecrated by a minister of the lord, or at least placed in front of a tv with samuel l jackson reciting his "ezekiel" speech on pulp fiction, i aint touchin that shit. coulda come from swine merchants, ya know.

Morning started off bad. Woke up from horrible nightmare. Feeling of dread and anxiety over took me as roused from slumber. Do not remember details, only I know is lost girlfriend in nightmare. Can never escape veil of depression. Yesterday was so nice but today not good. Only fleeting moment of happiness was at work today. Was working and their was a small child in stroller. Could not help but smile at young girl and she smiled back. Do not know why but made me very happy. Rarely smile at anything anymore. Crying thinking about it. Not sure why. Mind unwinding as of late, emotions in chaos. Suboxone dose reduced again. Almost 3 weeks sober. Future still uncertain. Might check into hospital soon. Afraid as of late. If is was'nt for girlfriend and remaining family, would probably take own life. Days are getting harder and harder to endure. Not sure about anything anymore. Praying for another fleeting moment of happiness to keep me from saying fuck it. Hoping for emotional rebound of sorts by tomorrow.

Fell asleep shortly after writing above paragraph. Feeling much better now but still not great. Emotions like day and night as of late. Very stressful on the mind and body. Message on phone from person I met at NA meeting. Nice guy. Debating if I should or shouldn't call back. Do not buy into the whole NA twelve step bullshit and God shit. Could always use another friend though.

Hopefully spending time with girlfriend tomorrow. Wore track jacket of mine she wore for hours few days ago. Smells of incense. Thought of her all day.

Fucking stressful day. Passed out when I got home from work. Woke up feeling disillusioned. E-Mail from roommate who had thrown me out of flat days ago. Made me feel bad. He is good person, I not so much. Girlfriend did not call despite her having day off. Perhaps I should of called? Her Myspace blog entries leave me with bad feeling. One titled "Frustrated" and private. Other had no subject but able to be seen by me:

I AM NOT HAPPY BY ALL MEANS RIGHT NOW. and all I have to say is this better be pms because I have not yet gotten my period and I was due 2 days ago..and usually Im early. never late. But Im really uncomfortable, irritable, thirsty, I feel like fuckin crying, and I feel fucking stuck.. I just want my liscense already, it sucks having a car and not being able to drive it. and why do I always have off on the shittiest days and the day after is fuckin wonderful weather? FUCK THE WIND. I couldve drove somewhere instead of being stuck at home and wasting the day away. Usually I end up walking in the shitty weather but I was not for that today. I might as well have went all out and smoked some weed, take fuckin advantage of nothing. I USUALLY DONT RANT LIKE THIS BUT I DONT FUCKIN CARE RIGHT NOW. god I hate being a woman, you know at least lesbians dont have to worry about being pregnant. now I feel like I never want to have sex again. FUCK EVERYTHINGGGGG IM GOING TO FUCKING BED

Obviously PMS with worrying and overwhelming emotions. Know for fact not pregnant. Used condom last time. Not worried about that to much, feel bad over rest of stuff. Wish I was in better financial situation, had own place and had car fixed, wish I could be that knight in shining armor for her. Wish I was not sick like I am mentally, emotionally, and physically. Would be able to be there more for her and show her world. Going to stop by her job tomorrow and try to cheer her up. Love her so much.

Strange though. Everytime she is sad or upset so am I. She feels like crying. I feel like crying right now.

Try to keep emotions like that hidden from her and my family. Always try to make people smile. Makes me happy. Sometimes wonder if they know that something is going on inside me. That I have come to conclusion there is no more time left for me to borrow. No use hoping for a miracle. Lately been asking who will be left standing when I’m gone. Have concluded there’ll be nothing left but a beautiful vision that echoes with my fleeting moments of joy that have become an eternity. Finally will have achieved that happiness that goes on forever.

But there is always something in the way... Got to knock on Elysium's gate, need to knock on heaven's door a little harder and break on through.

Since I've been seeing so many posts lately that would be better suited for a blog, I've been actively wondering if anyone uses them. I figure I may as well use mine, just so I don't fall into the same silly situation of making threads like "OMGZ guyz i got sooooo wasted last night off a zima and ibuprofen." Shit, is Zima even ztill available?

we started at brambleton deli where i hungrily threw back the most delicious bbq sandwich i've ever come in contact with. then as a few people developed into a crowd we migrated to bww's where we played knock-out on surprisingly open pool tables. i happened to make an awesome winning shot. my brother-in-law had two balls left side by side at the far end of the table. i shot between them and they both rolled into the far corner pockets all professional like. after we had our fill there, we abandoned bww's and headed towards downtown in hopes to find a place that would liven us up.

we decided upon awful author's which was booming with music and had a three dollar cover charge. once entering the thunderous place, i handed my id to the doorman with my three dollars. in the middle of the exchange i heard my name amplified throughout the building,

"stacy ***, you need to get up here and sing this song stacy ***!'

to my surprise i saw doug and his band, center hill, on stage and they were all looking and pointing to me. my face automatically flushed red and my palms became sweaty. i shook my head no and hid behind my embarrassed smile as we made our way to the bar for a beer. in route, i heard them start to play a familiar song. it just so happened to be the song i wrote and recorded six years ago at the baptist home. i had forgotten i had given doug rights to the song. it was awesome hearing it by an actual band and i think they probably did it better than i ever could. but they werent satisfied by my absence on stage. after the song was over doug went a little over board saying,

"that song was by one of the greatest singer/song writers in the roanoke area. her name is stacy *** and she's sitting right over there...behind the plants by the bar." everyone looked at me...

they started up again playing a good song of theirs, but at the end they started up with me again trying to get me on that damn stage.

"stacy *** here is a guitar! get up here now! this song is easy, just G C and D, come up and play!" i burried my face in my hands and my face was hot. "stacy ***!, staaaaacccccyyyy!"

it was highly embarrassing and doug knows i have terrible stage fright. but that didnt stop him. "hey guys, i think she needs some help getting up here why dont we all yell to show her they way!"
so they all wooed but i still didnt budge. doug even got a ralley of people to come to where i was sitting to try and physically get me on the stage. he laughed at the sight of my reddened face and refusal and they finished the show.

after the show, he came barreling up towards me in a fit of laughter exclaiming that one day he'll get me on stage. that rat bastard!

in retrospect i guess i should have gone up there and humored them, even though my voice was horse from speaking like an old black man with my bro-in-law. but i plan on going to more of their shows and hopefully i can get over this fucking stage fright. it actually looks pretty fun and it felt really good to get recognition...amplified recognition. it was good times...

Tired as I am my body feels like it's finally starting to heal. Completely missed friends who were up for the weekend too, I feel like an ass but right now it's just bed and rest for me - not drinks and clubbing. Will need to make amends soon!

I don't know what happened to last week, it was a blur from one Saturday to the next, head full of snot and flu. This afternoon I felt clear for the first time in 2 weeks, I hope this continues tomorrow, I've had enough of feeling like this.

Last weekend I got knocked out in the semi-finals of a local DJ compo. The competition wasn't doing to well, when its hard dance and the semi's take place in the afternoon, to a crowd of 12 who stay seated, politely nod and sip their drinks then you know things aren't too good right now. In truth I was getting tired of all that bang-bang crap, just want to go back to my beloved house music.

Got some exciting news, but I have to confirm a few things before I go making happy posts, I think I'm low on the "emo" posts, will have make a note to cry and write sad stuff sometime this week - lol

ginnight

Morning started off bad. Woke up from horrible nightmare. Feeling of dread and anxiety over took me as roused from slumber. Do not remember details, only I know is lost girlfriend in nightmare. Can never escape veil of depression. Yesterday was so nice but today not good. Only fleeting moment of happiness was at work today. Was working and their was a small child in stroller. Could not help but smile at young girl and she smiled back. Do not know why but made me very happy. Rarely smile at anything anymore. Crying thinking about it. Not sure why. Mind unwinding as of late, emotions in chaos. Suboxone dose reduced again. Almost 3 weeks sober. Future still uncertain. Might check into hospital soon. Afraid as of late. If is was'nt for girlfriend and remaining family, would probably take own life. Days are getting harder and harder to endure. Not sure about anything anymore. Praying for another fleeting moment of happiness to keep me from saying fuck it. Hoping for emotional rebound of sorts by tomorrow.

Fell asleep shortly after writing above paragraph. Feeling much better now but still not great. Emotions like day and night as of late. Very stressful on the mind and body. Message on phone from person I met at NA meeting. Nice guy. Debating if I should or shouldn't call back. Do not buy into the whole NA twelve step bullshit and God shit. Could always use another friend though.

Hopefully spending time with girlfriend tomorrow. Wore track jacket of mine she wore for hours few days ago. Smells of incense. Thought of her all day.

Today was good day. I don't know why but it was good and ended on very good note. Very strange considering way that I been feeling. Walked into town to get something to drink and then headed over to market to see girlfriend. However brief, enjoyed time we got to see each other. Walking outside market with arms around each other the clouds were a color of pink unlike any other that I have seen and bursted with an aura of serenity that was unreal. Then walking home afterward with crisp yet warm air... Crazy how such a simple short moment and sight can be so beautiful. Left me with feeling that I thought I lost forever years ago. So many beautiful things as of late and moments of joy that were once so fleeting amidst wake of chaos that has subsided over past year. Future still uncertain. Still not sure how life will turn out and how will end. Perhaps not by own hands as I always thought.

I don't know why I'm bothering to blog after what happened. All my life my journals and blogs have been used against me. As a kid I kept one on the computer and my brother went through it, printed and highlighted all my transgressions. The occasional swear word and my first REAL kiss. Of course it got deleted and all the evidence shredded.

Later I tried again. I wrote one entry just to get it out, and threw it away, maybe 14 at the time, my mother dug it out of the trash, read it and yelled at me for it.
Its little wonder how they never found all the entries that said how hopeless and suicidal I always was...

When myspace came around I blogged all the time. I wasn't on meds and soon my emotions changed on the hour so there might be several a day. My mother caught it on the screen one night and read it. She waiting until she was on vacation and I was home alone to tell me she read it and she was ashamed of how I lived my life. I believe that I was having sex was the issue. This led to a suicide attempt after that wonderful parenting text message.
I continued to blog and my bf was overseas. I would read them and often yell at me over my personal thoughts, causing some nasty fights.

I had thought that my bluelight blog would be safe since I don't know anyone who is on here IRL. Very few people even know the name BL. Here I could hold nothing back, the drugs, the thoughts, the problems and fears.
Oh how was I wrong when I learned that they were being published on another site for the amusement of others.
The anger, and trust me I was murderous has now faded to mistrust and sadness over what happened. I just don't understand how someone could be so cruel. Posts are one thing and I'd still be pissed but some one's blog?! Where they go away from the unkind and hurtful words to post their personal thoughts and fears. The things closest to their heart.
Hell I call it a "window into my mind and soul" and I kid you not.

Those of you that are reading are trusted not to hurt me with the information you read here. Please do not abuse this trust. If you feel that you might, please leave now.

Now for my actual entry now that I have gone over how often I've been screwed over by such things. I suppose I have no other trusted outlet where I can get some feed back. Now and then I post on myspace but I'm very careful about what I say and who reads it now.

I'm showing the classic signs of depression again. I dread this. It CAN'T be back. But it is, its only been a week or 2 tops but I'm not getting out of bed, I'm comfort eating, I'm having crying jags, I'm feeling suicidal, I'm not sleeping well. It seems that none of my meds are working anymore. I'm thinking perhaps I need to make an appt to go see the psych doc. Maybe I need a stronger dose. I would just do it my damn self since he said he was planning on going up in dose anyway but NO I can't do that. What a crock huh?

I'm wondering if I should say something to Sean about the meds not working. I did tell him it had been a rough week and so far he has responded with kindness. Maybe if he knows that I really feel like I have no handle on my emotions he will try to be understanding, but...its not an excuse to act like a psycho gf either.

I really can't wait to see him. I've tried to give him his space and not smother him and I have come to see so much value in just being near him. He says he doesn't understand why I feel the need to cuddle all the time (heard that one before in past relationships), well I think this might help. But also like he said, we aren't married, I WANT to be close to him. I just can't find a balence. I guess I just chalked it up to my ex being stoned all the time....

I missed him today and had things I wanted to tell him that I wrote him a letter. I know its mushy and stupid but I don't think its all that bad. Its thoughtful and personally I think its sad that the "love letter" has died out. I certainly would like to have something to be able to pull out when I'm having a hard time or my S.O. and I are having a hard time and be reminded that I'm cared for. Things like that I have always kept, be they e-mails or text messages. I doubt he will keep it but I think its a good way to get your thoughts and feelings out without interruption or distraction.

He has never written me a love letter but sent that text that meant so much... I recently found out that like a true Pisces he is gifted creatively. He draws and does great watercolor. He talked about maybe starting again, its been what...almost 1o years or something since he has done it, and doing a piece for me. I would like to encourage him to do something he enjoys. Other than video games and stuff. Something a little more well, productive I kinda think that if a person has a gift they should not waste it. It is shameful to deprive the world of what you have to offer.

Here is another night with no sleep, even though I'm working days. I'm 6:30 in the morning and I'm working at 9. I'm pretty much running on caffeine and Ambien these days. I REALLY should try to get into a regular cycle, but time spent with Sean kinda throws me off, plus being unemployed for so long that I haven't adjusted yet, nor really tried.
Plus going to school at night sucks. I'm no longer motivated AT ALL. I don't go even though I could be dropped from the class. I put off the reading so that I'm so far behind that I'm kinda screwed and give up any reading, go skimming lecture notes and headings. But I don't worry about it too much. As when I'm good at it and know what I'm talking about and Bs when I don't.
I'm just worried about not finding a job when I get done. The economy is in the shitter, psych majors are popular and how can I be a counselor when I have my own issues? Will they even take me if I'm medicated?
I don't think my psych issues hinder me other than sometimes I get too wrapped up in it all. I can relate to others in ways that others can't. I know the solutions and the WAY to talk to people and I love helping people, I feel like its kinda my purpose in life...but I can't seem to help myself.
But isn't that how it goes. You know what you SHOULD do but you don't know HOW TO GET THERE. Like Sean says, I need OnStar.

I guess that is all I really have to say. I don't think writing it out really helped me. I don't think it ever really does. Although so many people say you should do it. I learned NEVER to look back on the old entries though, just full of bad harmful memories let me tell ya.

But anyway, the main reason I wrote this is just the concern for my mental health right now. I feel in the past week I have backslid to almost where I started from. Its scary. I don't know if its that I missed a day or two of meds and I haven't adjusted or if I need my dose changed. I'm unsure WHAT to do. I know one thing though. I need to try to get xanax, although a lost cause. I complain about the anxiety and the dr just brushes it off. Kpins are like nothing now, they don't help or perhaps I feel like they don't because I don't get the wave of calmness I did with Xanax. Also the Ambien, that needs doubled, BAD or I just wake up every 10 min. I tripled it the other night and woke up with a panic attack, stupid me, looking for SOME buzz.

Hopefully I can have some Tramadol midweek. Sean won't LIKE it but he said it just depended on how much. I don't even know if he can't tell when I'm KINDA high, really high, my eyes bug out of my head or try to look at the back of my skull lol. My ex always knew, the come up gave it away. I just could not shut the fuck up for the life of me. Ahh how I love that stuff. I SHOULD stay away from it before I get myself all wrapped up in it again, BUT my skin is crawling and I lack constructive coping skills. I would rather be high than cut and scar myself forever. Just don't go to work high, EVER. Learned that one the hard way. Although I basically work alone now, a lil high I doubt they would notice. Although my boss might get a lil on my ass. He knows I use, we are friends, but he has a psych degree and could pick out high. lol

enough random talking for now. shit, now I have to find something else to do before I have to caffeine up for work. Lets pray Sean will see me today...I could really just use some comfort after the week I've had.

Haven't ever really heard much from CD Soundsystem, I've seen the name thrown around on message boards but that's about it. This is the first track I heard on XM Radios BPM channel which also happens to be a remix. Didn't care for it too much other than the beat at first, but the more you listen to it, the more it grows on you.

File information:

• Title: You Wanted a Hit (Keljet Remix)
• Artist: LCD Soundsystem
• Album: This Is Happening (Deluxe Version)
• Genre: Electronic
• Year: 2010
• Bit rate: 128 Kbps
• File size: 4.8 MB

Additional info

• This file is iTunes ready meaning it has the album art, genre, year, disc number, track number, & even lyrics already embedded in the ID3 tag so there is no editing once you import the file into your mp3 application of choice. All the hard work is done for you, enjoy!
• If you like having organized ID3 tags and would like more songs like this one, you can keep up-to-date on files I upload by bookmarking my 4shared account by clicking the link provided (recommended):
  http://www.4shared.com/u/JmNDX6mS/Leroy_G.html
• You can also bookmark my blog and check the downloads category, however not necessarily will all the songs on my 4shared account be posted in there.
• If for some reason the download link is broken, the file is missing any ID3 info (lyrics, album art, etc), or anything is wrong, send me a message via bluelight with the problem, link to the post, and I will get it fixed.

Preview & download:

• http://www.4shared.com/audio/gFIymz7n/LCD_Soundsystem_-_You_Wanted_a.html

(So up until now i have had to access bluelight from my mobile phone as my old laptop is broken. But now i can keep my promise and post a regular blog.)

This entry is dedicated to 'Binge Artist'

I had said to my agency i would be available for work today from 11am til close as a favour to the big boss (i was supposed to be off today and had planned to see a friend tonight). I hardly ever get work that til early evening, so i planned to get up, shower, shave, do my hair and nails before 11am and go back to bed. Since my pain levels only became manageable about 6 this morning (i'm making a guess that its something to do with plasma levels) after starting my oxynorm yesterday afternoon i had hardly slept at all when the phone woke me at 9.30am. It was the agency asking if i could get ready in 1/2 an hour to be picked up for a job. I agreed (need the money as have been off work ill so much recently) and got ready, until looking good and glam and sexy, superfast. I swallowed down some pain pills, vitamins, ginseng and a caffeine and glucose pill with a 'rockstar' orange flavour energy drink in a desperate effort to kick start my exaughsted self properly awake.
My driver drove me about half an hour away and i started to liven up a bit as caffeine effects me strangely strongly. The client was staying in a small family run guesthouse where i had to ring the bell and wait for the owner to answer the door

Some days weeks ago a man dressed inappropriately for the occasion comes to see me yelling banging on the outside otherside of my front door with his knuckles yelling "captain captain captain captain captain captain captain captain!" so i hid behind the sofa until he left. it was three o'clock in the morning. i had been shooting cocaine all night and howling prayers at my reflection in the blackened television screen.

i can't believe we met on this lonely crowded street, i told the famous junkie in the box, the wordsmith with the wanton ways, wearing his gorilla suit trying to scare me but it won't work. i saved the heroin for when the sun was coming up and when it did i thought about loading the whole mess up in one shot and doing what that chicken shit god should have done a long time ago, but i was also the chicken shit as well, too. ariadne wept.

i watched the boiling glow of the wicked sun pushing out the blessed darkness through the windows in my kitchen, falling on my face every so often sitting cross legged on the floor amongst the blood and piss and cum splattered throughout the place, the walls decorated with the heads of all my previous victims, each one more difficult to wrestle to their death than the last. i poured myself the last drink of scotch from the bottle before shattering it against the floor and walking barefoot into the living room, the glow of the muted television set blowing up the room.

i ran around naked gathering all the sheets, towels, blankets i could find and armed myself with duct tape, a hammer and a nailgun autographed by the last crucified broken necked surfer child to own the beaches and wow the fans. when the deed was done it was nighttime again and my wings were fashioned out of gold. there was to be no lament for any of the escaped.

with the nailgun i shot out the rest of the artificial lights, shot up the coke. the back of my hands looked like they belonged to a leper. i quarantined myself just to be safe.

and i swear to god, it's not my fault this mask i wear
this gloom i bear

when the man returned i was prepared. "captain!" he said kicking down the door with his boots. "captain captain captain captain!" i donned the warpaint without regard for fashion or falling apart , failing miserably or fun. captain captain captain captain captain captain captain captain we are not alone

walking through the walls he says i'm unarmed he says here! throwing an envelope at my feet and then being still, his arms up in the air without me having to tell him to do so. i come out from behind the couch unashamed.

i don't buy a word of it, i tell him. my brain operates like a burning bridge.

"she's a sinking ship!" he yells over his shoulder, running into the hills and shielding himself beneath the protection of the trees. how i found out about her death was not from the phone calls or the conversations but, sometimes you just know these things. the funeral was nothing like building a house, but it collapsed anyways and an entire generation of christ child's were smothered to death in the rubble. the village never recovered. the newspaper went under and the entire system failed. i managed to survive the riots but things have never been the same. hip to their hypotenuse their geometric ways...

6am, no sleep yet.

Okay, this is going to be long, and about the ex-bf I mentioned up thread who told me to keep it up with the ED if it was working for me, just to set the stage. The beginning part you may have heard already, but it's important to the story if you haven't, which is why I included it.

Two weeks ago he did some shit for my dad and then came over to pick up the money my dad owed him. My parents weren't home, and of course, he waltzed in and decided to start telling me all about the new girl he was seeing. I was trying my best to ignore him and how shitty he was making me feel, so I was messing around on the computer while he was talking.

Apparently that made him mad so he grabbed it away from me, ran into my room with it, and started looking through my stuff. He found some pics I took for the nudie thread in the lounge and proceeded to call me a whore and a slut and he brought up the fact that he believed I wasn't really raped like I claimed but rather I was prostituting myself or at the very least had it coming for being a tease. This was a huge trigger for me so when he started trying to leave I tried to hit him and stop him because I was so NOT finished with him.

He easily shoved me aside. I fell into the cabinet next to the door, hitting my head and getting a bump and a bloody gash (looked worse than it was though).

A couple days ago he contacted me again and was telling me how sorry he was and he reacted out of anger mainly because he was so upset over the rape himself and he was worried about what I was getting myself into posting naked/semi-naked photos on the internet. He profusely apologized for shoving me (like he always does) and told me he wanted to make it up to me.

I knew better than to say yes. I really did. But I have just been so lonely for so long that I really wanted a human connection again and I missed how it was when we were still good together (when we were good, we were really good, it just wasn't that often).

So we went out for food today. I got a salad and some soup and it came with bread. He just watched me eat. Obviously, this made me feel uncomfortable, so I just put down my silverware and stopped, trying to just ignore my food and talk to him instead. He refused to let me though, and told me that he paid for the food and it was really rude of me to think about wasting it.

It made me think that maybe he was finally being sympathetic or something and was telling me that it was okay, he liked me how I was, but I should have known better--he was just trying to add himself back onto the list of things that have control over me.

When I finished eating he said to me "Good to see you still have a healthy appetite. Do you need to go to the bathroom before we leave?"

Obviously, after that comment, I did.

We left the restaurant and went back to my house. He had brought coke and speed and needles and I had some heroin. We got completely fucked up doing all of those drugs and speedballs too and I was just out of my mind and really depressed and lonely and he wanted to have sex and even though part of me wanted to say no, a bigger part just wanted to feel wanted, so I just gave in more or less.

It was actually okay aside from the fact that not everything was functioning perfectly thanks to the drugs. Well, it was okay until it was over and he was leaving and he opened his mouth again.

There was around a ball of coke and almost 2gs of speed left (on top of the H that was mine) and he told me I should just keep it because "that way can just curb my hunger instead of being nasty and throwing up because that's not cute."

Yeah.

Yeah, he fucking actually said and did all that shit. It fucking DESTROYED me. Seriously. I was doing okay and even after the whole thing in the restaurant, at least since we had sex I felt somewhat sexy and wanted and then he just ripped any shred of self-confidence I had built up in the time I'd been away from him, which is, I'm sure, exactly what he wanted to do because he probably noticed that I was starting to be happy again and he couldn't have that.

He is also like my one really significant romantic relationship and therefore really all I know about males and I have no idea how to go about experiencing a healthy relationship with a guy. I know that how he treats me isn't how I'm supposed to be treated. In fact, my aunt was physically and emotionally abused during her marriage when I was younger and I always said that I would never let that happen to me and somehow I got myself involved in exactly that.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, though if you have some of course I will listen.

I more or less just need to get that all out cause I seriously felt like just taking all those drugs and ODing after he left. Luckily I had some people I was talking to who just took my mind off of everything until I sobered up.

Today was good day. I don't know why but it was good and ended on very good note. Very strange considering way that I been feeling. Walked into town to get something to drink and then headed over to market to see girlfriend. However brief, enjoyed time we got to see each other. Walking outside market with arms around each other the clouds were a color of pink unlike any other that I have seen and bursted with an aura of serenity that was unreal. Then walking home afterward with crisp yet warm air... Crazy how such a simple short moment and sight can be so beautiful. Left me with feeling that I thought I lost forever years ago. So many beautiful things as of late and moments of joy that were once so fleeting amidst wake of chaos that has subsided over past year. Future still uncertain. Still not sure how life will turn out and how will end. Perhaps not by own hands as I always thought.

Went in to work early today. Starting to get along nicely with manager and co-workers. Manger is pleased with productivity. As a result, will be getting more hours. Decided not to go to NA meeting this evening. Do not care if I get thrown off Suboxone program as result. Depressed over a lot of things, feels like there is a key where my mouth used to be. Lost lot of friends when kicked out of flat the other day. Just can't talk to them anymore. This has me very sad.

Went to barbershop for haircut after work. Hair looks good. Doing eyebrows later. Then working out. Have gotten back into body building over the past few months. Making good progress. Having girlfriend over later. Only thing in life now that brings me joy. Keeps me from breaking apart. Wish I could give her the world. I love her more than life itself. Time for shower.

http://redlight.19.forumer.com/viewtopic.php?p=1928#1928

You know our world has to be based on trust. But now I have learned that my journals have been posted on another sight just to be made fun of and shit. I am SO FUCKING ANGRY AND HURT it isn't even funny. And just when I was thinking it might be alright...and it doesn't matter how much I cry or fucking whatever I can't fix it. I wasn't lying when I said people seek out to hurt me. People make fun of me and call bullshit, but this is fucking proof.
FUCK YOU ALL ASSHOLES!

nothing to see here