Guess I'll explain from the beginning. From the time I was very young, long before dope entered the scene the sex drive was every bit as relentless back then as the desire for dope is now. That wasn't a bad thing, but I also had a very sensitive, romantic side. The first bfs I had or guys I went out with trained me never to fall in love. Eventually, I'd end up getting hurt. So, over time, I trained myself to not expect or want romance or anything but platonic love. This got painful and confusing because I'd either fall for the wrong guy or a nice nice would want me, but I had trained myself to say no.
I grew up in the fast lane I guess, but the second I felt more of an attraction than a one night or two night stand, the guy would sense my desperation and be gone. I trained myself to believe that occasional good sex from a non committed guy would be the most I could ever expect. The more attractive I made myself, the more friendly, and the more I tried to please, the end result always ended with me getting my heart broken and until recently couldn't understand why. There have been 3 guys I've ever been with that were actually skilled at giving romance and sweetness, even if only for an affair.
After the disatrous break up of my first fiance, who had been the only man that wanted me past the point of desperation, love that turned into insatiable obsession, was the period in my life that I got seriously hooked into a hardcore, long term addiction to painkillers. Black outs were common and I physically did everything to completely remove any sex drive ever again for good. The opiates did their job. I took birth control pills continously as well, to help diminish libido, and soon was completely shut off from sexuality and romance, that energy being channeled into my addiction.
That was how I protected myself from a desire for romance and sex. As the years passed to where I was able to go back to my preferred drug meth, I stayed celibate for years on end by choice. The long term dope habit did that, but I also believe I'd been so practiced at shutting off my feelings, it was automatic. Therefore, my attitude and or my chems usually managed to protect me. I found out that dope or no dope, I was capable of loving someone romantically, usually by accident. Often it was another fiend who made me laugh, could use around, talk through the night, and spoon all night. Older hard core male dope fiends that have been doing it as long as or longer than I have, usually have exceptionally low libido like me, unless one or both of us falls in love.
It sometimes snuck up on me and once the feelings were there, then even if it was only every 8 wks or something, I'd WANT to be with them. The problem with one of the fiends was him having chronic tina dick so he couldn't. My other love, who I bore my heart and soul too, couldn't, although not because so much of the dope. He's gay, but doesn't want to be, so he can't love me that way. Sometimes that hurts, but when he talks about marriage and I ask "what if one day you fall in love with a guy?" He brushes it off, says, "shut up," in a playful way.
He loves me, but even though he doesn't want to talk about it, I can't marry someone who may one day want to leave. There. I finally said it. We feel like platonic soul mates because of our heavy history together. Being a hard core fiend means having to hide, and having another person that you know cares deeply about me and I him, someone to hold at night, not having to hide the pills, the needles, the love of the highs, both working in the adult business, who else could ever understand, ever? Even if alot of it is all in the past. So I had a partner for a while, we almost married, the drug addict lifestyle, one car between us, an eviction, no money to get him a work permit...one day he had to go.
It was morning, we couldn't see each other to say goodbye so he let me sleep, when I woke he'd gone. Neither of us wanting the tears, not knowing how long this time it would be "goodbye." Then I got clean, he still loved me from a distance. Still, in the back of our minds was the thought of how awkward it would be to live together. Romance for me has always been a long, complicated mess. Then, out of the blue the night I'd taken a step furthur and relapsed from tramadol to Ecstasy, a voice from the past was hitting me in cyber space.
I could not believe after all these years..it had been 8. Had I been just stone cold sober that night instead of being under the influence of my first and only time use with E, I would have greeted him, said how wonderful it was to hear he was doing so well, blah, blah. The E unleashed the romantic inside me and I found myself shamelessly writing sweet verses of poetry describing his face, his eyes, his sweetness. I met every word, but sober I would NEVER have done that. Surprisingly, he continued to keep in touch, him asking am i still as beautiful as he remembered me so long ago?
Ahhhh, ur quite the charmer, I told him. I'm 8 years older now, babe, like you. "I'm not a charmer," he said. "I tell it like it is. You are a very beautiful woman. Do you look the same now?" "Well sweety, I've grey at the temples and several sizes bigger, 30 lbs heavier than when you saw me, which I'm still trying to take off," I said. I was delighted when he replied, "Me too." "What age are you now?," he asked. "44." That would make him 53. "Can I have a pic of u then?" damn I knew I wasn't getting out of that one. "I'll have it 2 u by Mon. How bout one of ur sexy, gorgeous self?" I asked. So he sent me one, although the date on it said it was only 2 1/2 years after we met, not 8 years later, the present, lol.
As I opened the pic of him, I smiled. Before, he had always had this very lean build, real slim hips, but an impeccable dresser. The more recent pic showed thickening around the middle and the start of a receding hairline. That made me feel 10 times better. I told him age had treated him very well, I like him better now than I did then. That seemed to please him a lot. Mostly, though because since I'm most likely not going to see him, was hoping 2 always be this beautiful woman in his mind, not this heavier version, but hey I was honest. Just the emails, IMs and cyber brought back sexual romantic feelings I didn't know I was still capable of having. I told him that as far as I was concerned romance was a lost art today, and most people don't get the brain is the most important sex organ.
That's what got me turned on. I got rid of a bit of pent up sexual angst just from talking to him and him being sweet to me. He treats a lady like a lady, the wining, dining, 69ing, the whole 9 yards. A couple of jerks I guess that liked my profile pic sent me a very direct: "hey do you want to fuck?" I replied that boy were they smooth talkin Romeos, it's gonna kill me 2 pass. That's just about the kind of mentality more or less anymore. That does not turn my mind on, so celebacy is therefore my preferred method. I didn't expect to be having these dashing bits of cyber romance all over again. He finally said he really, really wanted to fly out soon. I said sure, but I'm not expecting anything to happen.
He sent me an email yesterday that knocked him for a loop because his company he'd worked for for 40 years was all of a sudden wanting to fire him or place him in a much lower job, how he didn't know what to do, how he felt numb. "Hey darlin, damn soo sorry that must have really thrown you for a loop. I no all about being numb. Don't worry, ul work out a solution, u didnt get this far in life having succeeded as well as u have as u have outstanding skills, a positive attitude, and always taking charge. I'm here if u want 2 talk. Heres my cell anytime. U will get through this. Hugs. I felt sorry for him. A cushy CEO job 6 digit income for all this time, about 2 be yanked away. The unemployment rate is as high there as it is in Cali. I didn't expect to hear back from him, but I did.
He was thanking me 4 being supportive of him. We talked about that a bit, then he got me all turned on again. "Did u really have 2 relieve urself the other night?" Blushing. "Uh yeah. I've always loved ur mind, babe. U say sweet things, then u get me wet." He was talking about the various types of lovemaking we got up to, how much he enjoyed himself, did I remember this or that? Did I enjoy him doing this or that as well? "Uh huh. I enjoyed everything about you, your hands, your eyes, your smile, your mind." So many years ago, I found myself blushing at some of the things he said he remembered. "Enough! Ur making me feel like I'm 15 again! I can't believe u remember all that." "Your skin was so soft, you are so special baby. I'll always remember like a precious nugget." You always say the sweetest things. Thankyou. Yes you're special too. Yes I want u 2. I love ur mind, that's what makes u desirable." "I want u." "U 2 darlin. Try 2 get some rest. Heres a hug. Night."
7 years ago he broke my heart. He didn't mean to I'm sure, but he met another woman much closer to where he lived. I took some painkillers that night, cried, wrote about it, then let it go, but never was mean 2 him. I didn't see the point. Still, that's why the night he caught me on line, I'd never had gotten all mushy and romantic on him, lol. It's all right though. It felt wonderful to be treated like someone special with a mind instead of that other smooth talker one line original, "hey like ur pic, wanna fuck?" or whatever he said. Men that are my age, better yet 50 something at least know how to talk. that was refreshing, and theraputic. He helped me get rid of some sexual tension I didn't know was there.