April 13th 2009

Feeling better today. Was doing some thinking at work. Seems every spring this happens. Part of me dies literally, while another half blooms and comes to life. Seems to be a cycle. Not sure how it will end. Superstitious. Seven of nine lives used. Clock counting down whats left of my time. Have to get handle on whats eating me. For the greater good. Do not want to hurt those around me. Love girlfreind, some family, friends, and Bluelighters.

Things looking up though. Manager and store manager talked to me. Impressed with productivity and work ethic. Not bad for heroin addict and basket case. Will be getting more hours. Soon will be looking at apprenticeship program for butcher shop. Means good things. Will be able to get new car, apartment, provide for girlfreind. Eventually will be financially stable enough to propose. Know she would say yes.

Confused though in way. People at work, strangers, friends, all think I am wonderful happy go lucky person. Don't know why I cant see what they see in me. Unable to determine why I am blind to good in self.

Looking forward to Thursday. Payday. Will be getting some ecstasy. Not for sake of getting high, but for therapy. Will lay down with notebook and pen with trance music and write about things on mind. Did this few times before. Helped me solve some internal conflicts. Elysium knows I have many at moment.

Thought I was already dead. Not yet it seems. Not yet.

 

dude, save up. come visit. i'll show you all over this town.

get away from the states for a bit.





and lookit me reading blogs. i never read blogs.

 

Actually saving up for vacation. Not sure where to go go. Would love to get away from states for bit.

Look. He actually read my blog. Laugh out loud.

 

My brother is going to Aus/NZ in a couple of weeks. I'm so fracking jealous. It costs heaps to get there (especially since you're on the East Coast), but from what I've heard it's really worth it.

It's high on my list of places to see soon. I'm thinking maybe next year sometime.