You Won't Find It At Your Age...

Am sad because I'm dying for some company. I miss Erik. Brendan has me all reved up sexually, but without any idea of whether he will do something about it or not. I can't take much more. He knows and I told him that Erik is my number 1, I wear his ring and his tatts, but sexually I've been out of circulation for so damn long, how the fuck am I to help teach a younger guy? I can't now and to be honest, I don't want Erik to EVER feel obligated to do anything he does NOT want to do. Erik is my life long soul mate in terms of the friendship bond we created so long

ago. Sexually and romantically, Brendan is someone from the past I can't seem to find here that takes his time, is older, and wants me as much as I want him....but only as a secret lover on the side. Mom asked me recently what it is that I want. "Brendan is being very deceitful, you know," she told me. She was referring to him being married, being a sex addict and fooling around on his wife. "Yes, I know this, but I don't want to hook up with a man JUST for sex, but at the same time, I DON'T want a permanent full time relationship! No matter how hard I look, I can't find that anywhere else," I said.

"At your age, you're not going to find it," she said. "Most women want to settle down." "My point, exactly," I said. Ever since getting re hooked on drugs and now wanting sex, my life has been all sorts of contradictions. Going through W/D's on and off of course don't help. I got angry with Brendan too because I need messages from him once in a while that have more to talk about than sex, so I backed way off. He noticed a bit, said I must be very busy, but I did send him Birthday wishes and we did talk about a lot of things, got our communication completely open and honest about what we want sexually. That is the first time I think that I've dared to finally spill the beans to him about everything....and I was nervous as hell even though I knew in advance that he wouldn't judge

me....even under the influence of meth. So, I finally just said it and of course he said, sure he'd be happy to comply with what I want. It's new to him and different, as were a couple other things he'd never tried before me.....I was his first shaved lady, now he only likes shaved women. I was also the first he ever tried anal with.

So I asked him what HE wanted and he said just about anything, but don't ask him for a 3 way with another man. That's fine with me. I only want one man at a time. I noticed he didn't say anything about the other type of 3 way so I asked him if he'd ever had 2 women at once...the ultimate straight man's fantasy for most guys I think...he said no. I told him I had no problem giving that to him, but don't know any women in Dublin. I guess he's not flying out here, but wants me to come to Dublin. The subject of whether or not he plans on flying me out has yet to be discussed, but obviously if he can't or won't, then it's not gonna happen. What is frustrating is having my mind all fired up but no outlet, and not knowing where this is gonna go. He said his fantasy was for me to find a woman for him in Dublin so he could have 2 of us. The only way I can do that I told him was to go to Adult Friend Finder, so I made a profile for us....then one for just myself.

I doubt I'll ever find it, but out of desperation I thought I'd try. I explained what I looked like, what I want, BUT that nothing will happen unless my mind is turned on first. That, and the fact that on the profile, there is a section that asks about drinking/smoking/AND recreational drugs. On my profile, I put the truth. Non smoker, non drinker, but drug user. That appealed to me because of not having to keep that issue in the closet. In order to be with anyone, I NEED to have either a little meth or a little X. So there it is, right out in the open. I put this blog on AFF. As usual, it most likely deviates like hell from the norm, but here it is:

6/1/2009



I'm not sure that this is a good idea. I mean I'm new to this and want to figure out how the hell to get my fuckin picture off this blog, although it's not like I'm ashamed of it or anything. It's more of an issue of being cautious, I guess. I'm a writer and I have had and still have a very colorful life. It's the kind of life, I guess that others are likely to want to buy at a book store, but not necessarily have.



I've always been the hopeless romantic sort, idealistic for sure. I'm VERY imaginative, creative, and intelligent, but to be honest tend to be happier in my own world, than that of day to day reality. It's GREAT as far as writing is concerned, but tends to cause a bit of trouble in day to day life, unless I remain focused and constantly vigilant catering to the dull and boring responsibilities of day to day life. In some ways, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.



I'm well into middle age, but others have told me I still have it going on in the looks department, and for a woman, that's ALWAYS good to hear. When I was younger, I always carried around an extra 15-20 lbs and couldn't seem to get rid of them. Consequently, I felt about as attractive as a cow, even though looking back I wasn't really. It was all in my head. It's ironic that now, I feel the most attractive ever, in spite of the beginnings of a face line, greys at the temples, near sightedness, and being overweight.



I got clean and sober for 2 and 1/2 years, then gained 100 lbs. Being clean had it's advantages, but as far as my looks went, I had accepted the fact that they were gone forever, due only to the weight. A couple months back I started recreational stimulants again, on and off. I've dropped and managed to maintain my 50 lb weight loss, and in spite of the fact that I am still 50 lbs overweight, at a size 16, 5'8" and 187 lbs, wearing the right clothes, hair, and make up really DOES help.



In part I have my long time close girl friend Aimee to thank for that, because she convinced me that I do not have to wear old lady fat clothes. She let me borrow some of hers, we took pictures and for the first time in almost 3 years I FELT hot. I immediately started getting attention from others as well, simply because my mental attitude about myself had changed. Also, since I was stuck being a size 22 for over 2 years, I will NEVER complain about being a size 16 again and not obsess about HAVING to get back down to a respectable, slim size 8, or VERY thin size 4-5.



The smallest adult weight I've ever been was 120 lbs from a diet of daily meth or diet pills, or close to that anyway. Originally I was a cushy 150-160 lbs, size 12-14 with a bra size of 36C, then shrank down to a size 4-6, to a bra size of 34B. Then the oppisite occured after the massive weight gain. My tits grew to some rediculously enormous size of 42DD and are still that size. So, instead of obsessing over it, I kick back and laugh about it. My boyfriend sure loves the FUCK out of them!



I met Branden in Feb 2001 on the internet. He is a bit older than I am, plus the men in Dublin tend to be a bit slower paced than the men in So Cali, meaning he didn't start talking about sex right away, but was instead sensual and romantic as hell. This of course, appealed IMMENSELY to my idealistic, romantic nature. I love my job, but have pretty much earned shit wages. I'd rather take less money doing what I love than earn a 6 digit income a year, but having to eat, sleep, and drink my damned job for anything but a temporary period.



The down side, of course, is that although I don't require very much to be happy, in times when money REALLY would make a difference enabling me to travel back and forth to Dublin 3 or 4 times a year, I can't. He flew me out there for a one week affair. That's the farthest I've ever traveled, I guess 5000 miles for a date and for the best sex I've ever had. We kept in touch, but the distance became a strain, and I got my heart broken when he found someone closer to home.



He told me he'd understand if I never wanted to speak to him again, and although the anger in me shouted, FUCK YOU, the forgiving nature of myself prevailed, so we kept in touch by email off and on. At the time I met him, I had kept my meth use to every 90 to 120 days only, at which time I allowed myself 5 days to party, 2 days to recover, but did not drive, work, or leave wherever I was at while high in order to avoid trouble.



This in turn reduced the sting of constant obsession that is a trademark of drug users, in the since that I told myself, that the abstinence is NOT forever, but curtailed. Had I not been following such a schedule, I never could have left the state, let alone the country to be without dope, and for me, that was and is a miracle. The other irony is that Brendan is as straight laced as they come on the subject of anything but occasional alcohol.



He did find out once, by accident, (long story) that I had been a recreational user. The thing was though is that I met him sober, talked to him sober, both on line and off, but he got really freaked out and made me assure him I was over it. As far as he is concerned I was and I am, and I DID try the total abstinence kick for 2 and 1/2 years. I'm not recommending drugs by and means, but the fact is, is that meth feels like bringing an amuzement park home complete with all the roller coaster rides to me instead of me going to it. There is no waiting in line either, haha.

 

Part 2----I've NEVER met anyone but Brendan that is soo openminded sexually and romantically, but I have to keep my other recreational life from him. Dublin was awesome, and the best sexual/romantic adventure I've ever had. Ironically, one night, 2 months ago when I technically relapsed on Ecstasy (the one and only time I've ever done it) was the night he got back in touch with me. Had I been sober, I would have told him how wonderful it was to hear from him and how I wish him nothing but happiness in his life, and meant it.

Since I was not, however, I found out the truth to the rumour that X is definitely called the love drug for a reason. I found myself spouting flowery romantic sentiments and serenading him with poetry...and I met and still DO mean every word. If I'd been sober, I'd have thought that completely unappropriate behavior and all I can say is that I'm glad that we DID hook up again. He was going to fly out here, but got the shock of his life when he lost his cushy 30 year job as a CEO with a 6 digit income.

In these touch economic times, you're lucky to have a job, but trying to find one at 54 years old with the unemployment rate at over 10 1/2 percent....makes it very unlikely. So, he got a 2 year severance and is working on starting his own company. He's every bit as talented at business as I am at fantasy and creativity, so I know in time, he will get it off the ground. Unlike him, I've never been the ambitious type, but because I have background in literature and medical, I've always managed to find work, even if they are shit wages.

Anyway, this entry is too long already to write about the nautiness in Dublin, but here's a story I wrote called, "Murphy's Vacation"


Murphy's Discipline

"Mr. Murphy, would you step into my office please," said the soft, calm, authoritative voice he knew all too well. Cursing silently to himself, he left his desk happy to have an excuse to leave another silly arse project assigned to him by Mr. Morey. Mr. Morey was his supervisor, Miss White's assistant, whom he secretly referred to as Mr. Moron. Bleedin wanker was always forcing him to piss away his valuable time on some stupid cockemamie something or other. He and his coworkers knew that was Mr. Moron's way of flexing his muscles, but there was nothing anyone could do about it. Why did she keep that limey loving wanker ? She had to be mad.

"What has Mr. Fucking Moron gone off about now,?" he thought to himself. Still he knew he had fucked up and was SOL (shit out of luck) as some crazy foreign woman, (what was her name?) was found of saying. Stepping into Miss White's office, he knew immediately he was done in. She held his paycheck in his hand. Payday was 8 days away. "Close the door, Mr. Murphy and sit down, please." It both amuzed and appalled him that she was one hot lusty wench that he wanted to have. Masked under professional corporate etiquette, they pretended that : 1. he did not want to have her and 2. that he pretended not to know that he knew that she knew that he would have her, when in fact they both bloody well knew what he would have her do with him and it wasn't bible study.

"Mr. Murphy, I'll get right to the point. It has been brought to my attention that you have been having cyber sex on company time. That is cause for immediate termination. I'm sorry we have to do this, Mr. Murphy. I have gone ahead and paid you for the whole week, even though Mr. Morey reports you were 15 seconds late on Monday. I've decided not to doc you for that. That is all." All he could do was sit there with his mouth gaping open.

"Me having cyber sex? But I..I..what...who...I never had any bleeding cyber sex! A false accusation brought to your attention by Mr. Bleeding Moron I bet! That sod will do anything to make anyone, especially me, look bad. Anything to kiss your arse while simultaneously getting browning points from you. He couldn't pass up an opportunity to gloat and who can blame him? Oh no not him. How else does that brainless donkeyshagger stand a bleedin chance for a raise or a romp in the hay with a ladder climbing bimbo who otherwise wouldn't give him a second glace? He's so dumb he'd screw up a wet dream and he's so ugly he couldn't get laid in a feckin whore house on nickel night!," blasted Mr. Murphy.

Miss White said nothing at first. She let the silence sink in after his outburst for a couple seconds. Then she calmly got up, unlocked a drawer and retrived a large file folder, apparently crammed with a great deal of company files pertaining to corporate memos, budgets, contracts, or recorded documents of the endless parades of District Manager and CEO meetings. She was was the meticulous sort. She paused to align and consolidate the stack before presenting it to Mr. Murphy. She was a major stickler for keeping everything neat, tidy, organized, as well as physically attractive.

Had a stranger walked into Miss White's very spacious office overlooking the hills, state of the art equipment, awards and trophey's displayed on the tallest bookself and on the wall, might very well have thought this is exactly what his office would look like. This office would be a reward for being IMPORTANT, everyone acknowledging and appreciating your accomplishments, not to mention a VERY large salary, being the big cheese, and exercising power over, instead of vice versa, the strict double standard code and often times leecherous mindsets of men like Mr. Murphy.

Yes, she had worked diligently and had grown accustomed to having to work twice as hard because she was female. She learned how to turn her gender to work in her favor. Being perceived by some as intellectually inferior and passive because she was female could be manipulated to her advantage, instead of an allowing it to be annoying inconvenience.

Although she tolerated men and used them to suit her purpose, while tricking them into thinking it was their idea(a trick she learned) she hated men, especially her Father. All the time growing up, he had accused her of being deceptive. According to him, she would never succeed at anything. Utilizing her skills at deception when necessary, thereby advancing her status. Financial freedom was also power. And power was the greatest revenge.

Long ago she learned how to successfully redirect and channel her sex drive toward accumulating, maintaining financial, career, and power status. Maintaining the power and status she had craved monopolized 75% of her time. While loathing the Mr. Murphy's of the world, she would not make the mistake of allowing her passion to blind her to the fact that Murphy, although a hopeless cunt hound, worked hard furiously toward his goals. He persisted in the often times tedious details while maintaining diplomacy, where as his work mates would have long since thrown in the towel, no matter how much money could be had. His admirable ability to sell to those clients whose idiosyncrisies ranged from the unbelievably rediculous to the outright sublime. These qualities, and the fact that he had remained in the top 10% in outside sales, she held a great deal of respect for. Certainly more than she would ever let on.

 

Part 3----Finally satisfied that the documents were neat, and organized to her approval she held them out to Mr. Murphy. Looking puzzled, "What's this?," he asked. "I want you to sit down, go through all these papers and read them. Don't be in a rush. Take your time," said Miss White.

Doing as she said, he began to read. What the bleedin hell was all this nonsense? Sounds like a bad script for a XXX rated movie, he thought. Why the hell is she telling me to read this? It took a couple of minutes before he started to catch on. Right after thinking to himself what a hot number this bitch was and how much fun it would be to shag her, a light went off. "Holy shite!" this time Mr. Murphy without realizing it had uttered his thoughts aloud. Right here in front of him on paper were explicit details of his sexual fantasies and adventures that he had confessed to his inaudible, unseen, cyber mate as well as equally colorful, descriptive fantasies and sexual adventures. In his hands were filled with all the times he had cyber sex. Jesus! Apparently he had had quite alot.

Before he began to feel the full embarassment of the very fact Miss White knew way more details about himself he would have her know, "How many others have seen this?," he asked. "I'm afraid everybody, Mr. Murphy. All of my bosses, my bosses' bosses, most of whom you have never met. And some others," she said. A big sense of dread, and feeling a knot in his stomach, he involutarily felt as though he was knocked back down into his chair after making the mistake to stand up briefly.

"What others?," asked Mr. Murphy already preparing himself for the answer he knew she was going to give. "Has Mr.Morey seen them as well then?," His question was answered by a brief nod in the affirmative. Goddamn it! Why him? "Who else?," he inquired. Might as well get it all over with at once. "All those working on the 3rd floor that work under both my supervision and Mr. Morahan's supervision." That meant all his coworkers as well as any fellow workmates the past 8 years. Guess Mr.Morey busted him good didn't he? How did it feel now that all his coworkers knew that Mr.Murphy was a very bad boy? Oh well fuck it, he'd live with it. Thank Christ his wife won't see them. At least he was spared that.

"Go ahead and clean out your desk. Take your things," said Miss White quietly. "Your firing me?," said Mr. Murphy. "I'm afraid I don't have much of a choice. All my supervisors and their supervisers know, not just me," said Miss White. "I don't fucking believe this," said Mr. Murphy . Voice rising, irish dilect becoming more pronounced, "I work me arse off day after bleedin day and yer run me out whilst that arsehole Mr. Fucking Moron ...." "Mr. Murphy," said Miss White cutting in, " seeing as how this is your first offense, perhaps we can work something out." "What would you have me do?," asked Mr. Murphy. "How badly do you need your job,?" asked Miss White. "Really badly if yer are my boss. Working above you, beneath you., or behind you." said Mr. Murphy. "In that case, " began Miss White, "I'll make an exception. Pull down the shades and lock the door." "Yeah get the handcuffs and blindfold," said Mr. Murphy.

"I'm not playing games, Mr. Murphy. If you want your job, you'll do as you're told. OFF WITH YOUR PANTS NOW! Stand against the wall." said Miss White. Looking both amused and shocked, he obeyed thinking he would finally have her. "And watch, " said Miss White. "Under no circumstances are you allowed to get hard." "Watch what? C'mon....," said Mr. Murphy as Miss White laughed wickedly. At that moment, he saw her for what she truly was. Why she was a sulty, power hungry, prick teasing bitch, ever so slowly unbuttoning her blouse!

"I would love to see you strip slowly." said Mr. Murphy as she revealed a hot pink lacy see thru bra, while seductively unbuttoning each button on her blouse. "That's it," said Mr. Murphy. "My cock is about ready to explode baby." "Remember - NO GETTING HARD!," ordered Miss White. She was really enjoying her power trip, for there was nothing so intoxicating as power. She slowly peeled off her blouse, running perfectly manicured hands and nails over bra, while cupping and playing with her breasts. "Yes, ,,cmon, get that lovely pussy out," said Mr. Murphy as she began fiddling with the zipper on the back of her skirt.

"Can I help?," inquired Mr. Murphy. "NO YOU HAVE TO WATCH!," ordered the Bitch Goddess. "Ok....,'" said Mr. Murphy. Deliberate and sensuously, ever so slowly she wiggled her hips. As he watched, nice firm white hips and ass were revealed as the skirt slid over and down her ass. Mr. Murphy , todger in hand , began stroking his shaft, seeing for the first time in the flesh what he fantasized about since day one. Seeing her exposed , smooth, milky white ass, for she wore hot pink thong panties that gave him a view of toned perfection.

Her see thru hot pink bra confirmed what he had to see more of.....betraying firm, creamy white plump breasts and light nipples. She wore flesh colored thigh highs, white lacy garter belt, and 5" white pumps. The see thru thong betrayed a shade of dark triangle......Before she turned around, she undid her hair. Beautiful, soft black hair spilled over creamy white shoulders, going down her back. When she finally faced him she ordered, "Mr. Murphy, I am your boss. You are under strict discipline. YOU WILL NOT GET HARD!!"

Although she didn't want to admit it, for the first time since ?, she was feeling something she dared not acknowlege. Lust. Back on her power trip she "AT this point," roared Mr. Murphy, " I will have you know I don't take orders!" Within a second, (how could this have happened? it was her birthright to take control for granted!) her panties were ripped off with one quick gesture. Half a gesture later, her bra torn. Now it was her turn to be amused and shocked. And perhaps a little horny? Disbelief, shock, lust, amasement prevented her from even considering to refuse him. It was a blur, but his order - loud and clear - for her to suck him--went unchallenged. To top it off, she was genuinely baffeled that SHE could ever give a satisfactory blow job? That was something she swore she'd never do. How beneath her that was. Yet, she was even denied the satisfaction of being told that she gave the most sorry ass excuse for a bj..........One hour later, hair messed up, ripped see thru bra partially on, panties ripped off, but garter, thigh highs, and shoes on and intact, she stood in front of him. She could see in his eyes that he was still hot for her. Although unspoken, she knew that he knew that she knew she wanted him. How? Had fridigity betrayed her? "Mr. Murphy," she continued. "You have failed to keep your job."

--The Crystal Princess

Time to re up on meth. Sigh. That 20 bag Linda got 4 me really helped and lasted a long time. I have one hit left. Christ I'm scared. Sigh. I need drugs....

 

Thank you for sharing.