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Now I remember what happened last week when I took xanax .

So I need to make a few corrections about what I said about the aftereffects of xanax in my last post. Xanax is one of those drugs that you wake up and you feel very odd unhappy and overall discontent. I actually think explaining the situation would be better than trying to think up a theory perspective. So I wake up this morning and instantly look at my alarm clock. I didn't set it the night before and god knows it could be 3 in the afternoon for all I know. I have a very slight recollection that my mother told me something this morning but I can't quite remember what she said. My house is empty and it is a weird feeling. I get up in somewhat of a panic and look around the house. It's raining and dreary outside and that upsets me a bit. I find enough ambition to make myself some toast with jelly on it and sit on my couch eating it. I then turn on Ellen in the living room and at some point after I finish eating my toast I lay on my stomach on the floor. I don't know why I decided to lay on the floor we have couches and I have tv in my bedroom. I feel like i''v been in my bedroom too long and don't want to go back in there. Aside from being groggy and a little bit clumsy nothing seems abnormal. I hear my mother come down the driveway and remember that she asked me to fold my clothes and put it away. I open the door for her and greet her and quicky scamper back into my bedroom. I lay down and open my laptop. Next to my laptop is my cellphone. I quickly grab it worrying my boyfriend has messaged me but he hasn't, so as I usually do every morning I text him with "Good morning". He replies with "Good morning hun, what happened to ya last night?". My heart drops thinking something terrible has happened and I try and think what the events of last night were. I can't remember a damn thing. I don't remember how we stopped talking I don't remember laying down I don't remember any of my usual activities. I open up my AIM logs and look under yesterdays IMs. Apparently around 10 my boyfriend left for a shower and I decided to take some xannies. He came back but then left to hook up his new xbox. Xanax kicks in very fast and I was begining to feeling the effects of it while he was away. I decided I didn't want to hold my laptop on my lap anymore so I put it down to lay on my bed and relax. Instead I was going to text my boyfriend and tell him to text me when he got back and I would come on. Unfortunately I past out shortly after without telling him anything. The funny thing is I fell asleep with my TV on and a bunch of clothes, external harddrive, and other things laying all over my bed which I usually don't do.

In my conclusion about xanax I really have no idea what the recreational value is. It is fun if you want to feel relaxed for about 30 minutes and the black out. I would do it again only because it's slightly addictive and i've done it 3 times this week. No more xanax for me.



This is the EDIT part because I was feeling a bit upset this morning:

Continuing where I left off at the part where was on my room obviously tying this entry n my laptop after my mother just came home I decided I was very tired. The time was about 11 and I layed down in a rather awkward and backwards position on my bed. I was woken by my mother talking through my door asking me why I wasn't answering her and the time was like 1 oclock. The xanax is defenitely still highly functional in my system and I feel like doing absolutely nothing. I up and decide i'[m going to lay in the sun because that would be the only way that I could lay semi unconcious in the middle of the afternoon that would be deemed socially acceptable. So I get on my bathing suit and am too lazy to grab my beach towel from the car so I grab a pillow and blanket off my bed and put it down on the deck outside. It doesn't take long for me to get so overly hot that I need to get into the shade. I feel the need to eat some sort of cold juicy refreshing fruit but all I can find in the fridge is a bag of old grapefruits. I grab one and peel it and decide that although grapefuits and orange do appear similar they are very different in their internal skins thickness. I spend about an hour picking the pull out of the internal skin surrounding each slice. My mother comes out and it is obvious I am acting weird. I don't have enough ambition to try and act normal so I say off the wall things such as "this grapefruit is very delicious and sweet and it isn't even sticky". Which was another off fact because I am pretty sure any fruit juice was sticky but this wasn't. I ate 3 enormous grapefruits. Well I do believe that that is the end of my xanax story . No more xanax for me. It lasts far too long for my liking and I'd rather not sleep an entire day away or walk around like a droan because I am so groggy.

I'm going to put stuff from my old purse into my new purse and think about what it would be like to own an iphone...and not worry about my 3 hour IMPORTANT nursing class that starts in exactly 7 hours.

FUCK YOU!!!!!

i UNDERSTAND, BUT STILL... JUST NO!

OKAY, END RANT. NO EXPLANATION, JUST THAT.

Someone (11:28:05 PM): i forgot to get gas im on E
ME (11:28:09 PM): ahhh!
Someone (11:28:12 PM): i hope i have enough to make it to work >.o
ME (11:28:18 PM): I was on e today



It gives me the giddies when someone says something non-drug related and I can make it into something related to drugs. Was I on e or was I on e? Please elaborate kind sir.

I am home from work. I knew I was still high/hungover from the xanax when I was going to work and then I got to work and usually I am very peppy and responsive but as my boss was talking to me I just stared blankly at him and responded very slowly and contently. Then he calls me... like he does every hour and usually I talk a lot because he is Indian and there is a slight language barrier between him and I and I try and talk to make it less awkward for myself. However, when those silent moments came I rolled with them very smoothly and said absolutely nothing. I mean what really was there to say. "(Insert bosses name here), I am high on xanax I don't know what's going on. It was nice talking to you. Goodbye." Xanax does seem to have the "I don't reall give a fuck" kind of effect. I do believe that is the only recreational value it carries. It should be called the "Fuck This Shit" Drug which could wittingly be abbreviated into FTS and used in cotext as were doin some FTS tonight. Chyeaaaah Boiii! Or you could just go old school and say xannies. Whatev you prefer. But anyways that wen't offtopic. So while on the phone my boss asks me "are you okay?" My entire thought process comes to a deadening halt and i'm like oooooh shyyyttt and I'm all like think...THINK!!! Think of a reason why I am NOT high right now and I respond "I have a stuffy nose" Goood thinking there! Because stuffynoses make you slow and malresponsive. I am not one with thinking on my feet. He just responds with oh okay and we get off the phone. In the mean time I sit in my chair and try to stay awake. I am just about 98.9% asleep at this point. It is now around 7oclock and I get out at 9. I have tried to put of taking caffiene pills because I know that I have class at 9 tomorrow and I will be up half the night if I do. I sit for a little longer but I begin to doze off. I give in and take a few caffeine pills and no doubt they kick in quite fast and i'm roain to go again. My boss calls me again and I am my peppy old self and he says "Are you feeling better now?" and I say "Yes I was just a bit tired." Xanax is a bad drug to take because caring about things becomes very difficult. Sometimes I forget that people around me think that I am a normal person. My looks are incredibly deceiving.

On a different note I just left to go to the bathroom and I came into my room and it looks absolutely amazing in here. I don't think I could have a better looking room. The walls are a beautiful color, my bed is so fluffy and comfortable EVERYTHING is just perfect in here. I love it. It is my sanctuary.

Colors are beginning to meld together at this point however and my vision is a bit grainy...kind of like i'm looking through a screen door.

by the end of the week, i will be going into inpatient rehab.

not for drugs, but for a break, and for me. i haven't done anything purely for me since before my hubby deployed. so i'm happy about this. we're having a "family meeting" tonight about it.

i need therapy, i need people to talk to, just just you guys, but people in the flesh. and a therapist and psychiatrist. get on the right meds, and help me start sleeping at night.

so, by friday, i'll be there. then, afterwards, possibly a half-way house. i've wanted this for awhile, so i can't believe its happening. and i'm not scared or anxious, b/c its not for drugs, so no detox or physical discomfort (unless they make me stop cigarettes, which i can't do)

i won't have internet access for a few days, but then i will. don't know if it will be monitored.

so, just wanted to tell everyone. i will update after said "family meeting" i am a bit anxious about that... but, have no choice. it'll be fine. i have a great, loving, supportive family.

bill doesn't know yet, but he will. hopefully he'll be okay with it, but, really, he ultimately has no say in this decision. i have to take care of ME!!! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!

FUCKING FINALLY!!!!

Thank you, God!!!!

(but i still get to get my tattoo tomorrow)

~October (who will be new and improved shortly!!!)

everyone has different viewpoints on this. but, after my fam and i discussed going to rehab, they said they could tell that i was "screaming" for help, due to some artwork i had drawn. i think thats wonderful. they gave me just what i so desperately wanted and needed, and my family saw it, supports me, and is making me do it!!
god, i love my family!! all of them!! i'm so blessed!!!

and, there's nothing nicer than comming off a hard trip, while having deep discussions, getting what you really need, and there's a wicked storm with thunder and lightning out. i love it.

sorry for any spelling errors, i can't see well.

everyone pm me and comment to my blog! i need to feel close to all of you!!!

"Dirge" by me

written 2001. Can't remember complete version. This is a song/poem... please enjoy

Now i must lie
Sealed in my shallowed grave
As I watch back
And see life fade away

Such a disgrace
There is no laughter in this place
Nothing but lies
All that I despise
Has been left unto thee
Now join me in rest
And remember what used to be

All I have felt
All I have known
Now lies beneath this grey stone
All that ever was
All that will be
Now forever remains still within me

Darkness surrounds me
There's nothing left for me to breath
All the light that had begun
Now darkened neath this blackened stone

Look to the heavens
Begin to pray
Bless all who have died this day

All that ever was
All that will be
Now remains still within me
All I have felt
All I have known
Now lies beneath this grey stone

All that ever was

All that will be

Now forever remains still within me

I'm getting 2 new tattooes done this afternoon!!! yayyy!!

i tattoes, the whole experience, even the pain!

IS A PALINDROME OMGGGOMGGGOMGGGOMGGGGGZZZ!!!! I remember reading on bluelight that someone's favorites included palindromes and I thought to myself wow... I like palindromes too I guess...but not enough to make them one of my favorite things...and then it dawns on me. Perhaps this guy was speaking of a specific palindrome. <_<

I can't write what I am feeling as there is no real way to describe the stomach churning fear of what could be happening over the next few weeks.

It would be nice to get some relief from the anxiety, and as a natural pessimist, I fear the worst will happen.

Whats the worst that could happen anyway, Liz?

All my cards are on the table. I don't think I have a winning hand. I can only accept how fate deals the cards.

Doing whats right for a loved one ahead of my own needs is the best thing to do, its the only thing.

I hope that whatever happens, things will be okay.

Im afraid.

This is the third time I took xanax this week. This is an obvious no-no. I am having dificulty foccusing on the computer screen. My boyfriend is getting a shower and I honestly don't think I am capable of keeping myself awake for that long. I promised myself I wouldn't do xanax anymore just for the simple fact that I understand and can feel the pull of how addictive of a substance this is. When I first found out that I had an almost seemingly endless supply of xanax sitting in the medicine cabinet of my house I decided that I would look into it's recreational value. I asked my friend who has dome many drugs in his time what he thought about it and if it was anything euphoric or enjoyable. He flat out told me that it was the most rediculous non euphoric and or enjoyable drug out there. He told he that it was the type of drug you take when you break up with your boyfriend and you just want to forget the world. Now I do agree with that since xanax would certainly to a degree take away the emotional hurt for a while. But to sum up my xanax experience I would say that xanax is a drug that is not to be fucked with. It has a high potential for abuse. It is enjoyable by many means but it is not the type of drug you want to take before a class lecture, while at work, or whenever you actually need some sort of ambition. Xanax is great for sleep and great fr insomnia. I wouldn't exactly say it is euphoric becuase it has absolutely no comparison to a high achieved by opiates or even really shitty opiates like kratom and vics for that matter. I would more classify it as a peaceful drug great for meditation and enjoyment. As with most of the drugs I do. I do enjoy the afterglow of xanax. It is very peaceful and i wake up very well rested. The only dislike about xanax is that when you do wake up you feel absolutely comfortable and you need a ton of willpower and ambition to get out of bed. My xanax adventure was a pleasant one.

so I didn't know that the Cure/sensationalist news goes so well with CNN.

It does.

Maybe because I just drank a six pack of Leffe.

tabloid fix = cnn.com

...fascinates me at the moment.

Here is an informative link I found today:

http://www.ptypes.com/obsessive-compd.html

I cannot escape the feeling that I am simply letting everyone down. It's a poor thought but I feel like a disappointment to all at the moment.

I don't see my friends enough, I haven't really achieved enough this year, I'm always "just keep my head above water" at work. I've done some fucking stupid shit as well. Quite possibly a lot of this rests in my head, but I can't shake the feeling that people are seeing themselves as being second in my life. I don't feel good enough for a lot of things right now, and I just had to get that out.

I don't know how I'm going to get rid of this complex, but its eating at me right now. I feel like a fuckup. There is no comfort for me. No rest for the wicked.

WF? How is it possible that I have a cold for 3 days, take all sorts of meds feel crap. Then go eat the biggest ugliest McDonald's burger evar and suddenly feel like I'm king of the world?

Super Size Me!

The Blog Theme for May was Change........
I didn't start my blog until a few days ago so-
I am late on it......

I have always loved reading about change and transformation.......

I feel very connected to Nature - I feel the universe, the Earth - are always teaching us lessons.......
Change is one of the biggest lessons the earth teaches us........
She shows us through Seasons, Weather, sunrise and sunset, day and night, birth and death.........

“The night sky is a miracle of infinitude. ~Noelani Day”

This quote reminds me that by not fearing the unknown, by accepting change- all sorts of possibilities open for us……Change offers hope....stars in the night sky……..


Here are a few quotes I like on change-

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”-Charles Darwin

"To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly."

Henri Bergson


"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
Barack Obama


There are more but I will leave it here………….

I used to have my shit together. I was successful and respected.

I used to be ok being in my own skin. I used to be strong of mind and heart.

I don't recognize myself anymore. I fuckin' hate who I am. I don't enjoy life and would love to die. I can't yet because I have an amazing dog that is so full of love and gentleness. He would be confused if I weren't around anymore.

I NEED to use everyday so that I don't think or feel. I think I'm just waiting for my dog to die so I can take myself out.

I've felt like this before.

I think I'll take the advice of another BL'er and post something on TDS to get honest opinions from others who are just like me.

Thats why I dig BL. We're all pretty much the same. Some have been there, some are there at the moment and some are destined to be there sometime in the future.

I'm an addict who doesn't care. I use bent, old, unsterilized needles. I work for the sole purpose of getting paid at the end of the night so I can go to the city for my shit.

I get hungry but have difficulty eating.

I dunno, I don't think I'll ever be me again

Childhood is so sweet and innocent. A bandaid and a bowl of chocolate ice cream fixes everything. When I was a child, I couldn't wait to grow up, why is this?? Control?

chillin

Well I remember the days when posting on bluelight was something fun and felt productive. These days it seems soooo much different! There are all these new moderators with all these new cans and can nots dos and donts. It seems that everything I post now is shut down by some NOOB moderator for this that or the other reason. I find that fairly funny too because before I disappeared for a short while and before coming back to all these new moderators who are all sooo quick to shut down posts I never once had a problem with it. Well okay maybe only once and that was because I was asking what the best way to travel with a controlled substance would be. That was stupid I know hehehe. Lighten the fuck up you power hungry control moderator monitor monsters!