So am trying to deal with this shitty, fucked up feeling again, you know the one where the dope wears off and the kick kicks in...I've been off meth since Monday, the last several days have been hell. Off course Don and Aimee had nothing for me as I expected. I emailed them, told them what a couple of selfish assholes they were, Don more so than Aimee, but with them it's always ME ME ME ME ME. Whatever. I called Susie, not expecting any luck. She said call back after her brother gets off work. Again, not counting on anything, I JUST WANT TO FEEL FUCKING RIGHT FOR A GODDAMNED CHANGE!!! Is that asking for so much? It's true when I was clean for 2 1/2 yrs (until the Tramadol came along) I never had to worry about this crap. Still, being 100 lbs overweight wasn't anywhere near CLOSE to fun either, thank you very much. So, fuck it, I'd rather have to use sometimes and at least maintain my present size 16 or smaller than go back to THAT nightmare. Fuck that all to hell. Sigh. You know what? I'm tired of this whole goddamned game. Life sucks. I'm even angry at Brendan. I'm more than a goddamned piece of meat and have ignored him lately other than the cursory, hi hows it goin. I've got Johnny after my tail, now Youst, 2 members of The Addict Family. Hey at least someone finds me attractive, that's nice, but 1. I don't feel right fucking Johnny, Aimee's ex, and 2. I won't fuck Youst as he has no place of his own and I refused to fuck him in Aimee's back yard last Monday. I'm not 17, I don't fuck people in alley's or ditches, or other people's back yards, I have more class than that. He didn't have money for a motel, so fuck it. All this damned sexual pressure finally got to me from Brendan, all this damn talk yack, yack, yack, enough already. I can't take anymore. Erik is in Van, who knows if or when I'll ever see him again and since almost all addicts are broke, that limits us for travel obviously. I need to get on the horn and schedule appt with Doc for diet pills.
