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So I've been holding on to these allegedly, "Bomb" rollz for what seems like ages now. I've been waiting for the perfect time to take them. So the first night that I had in mind was a night that I was gonna see Ferry Corsten perform at a club. I got tickets for me and my lady. We arrived on scene and found out that not only were drinks like 9 bucks each at this particular club, but the vibe was not all that great so we decided to not drop. Next was an event at a rave club about an hour and a half drive north from where we live.

So we drive a good hour and a half and arrive to see a butt load of cops, an ambulance and a firetruck, some kid sitting on the curb being checked out by such said cops and medics, and a bunch of little teenie boppers wearing next to nothing.

I thinks to my self, "Whatever I'm here to have a good time, rave and roll!" So we walk up to pay our ticket and then BAM! The girl at the counter tells me it will be $110.00 for two tickets. Are you fucking joking? Go fuck yourself! I fucking drove for an hour and a half to turn around and go the fuck home! Sure I could've checked the price before leaving, but I figured it wouldn't be all that much. I mean I did check out the price on groovetickects about a week ago and it was something like $80 bucks total for two tickets. Who would expect to pay $110 for two tickets at the door the night of an event. Maybe for EDC but I aint even about Massives.

So we drive all the way back home and now I still have these dank X pills and I am forced to wait for another moment in time where the vibe is right, the work schedules align, the setting presents its self, and it all just works its self out. What happened to the good ol' high school dayz when all you needed was a couple of tabs, an excuse, and a place to ditch school? Being a responsible grown up sucks. FTW!

yay!! made it to my mom's house in ohio!!!

me & my bro drove from kc to ohio in 14 hours! straight!! abd I feel so good! so happy to be home!! and tomorrow i'll be heading to my in-laws!! yayyy!!! the summer of fun has begun!!!

yeah, it sucks that hubby isn't here, but I am around family for the whole summer, and will even be going to florida in august!! woo-hoo!!

okay, need to get on real comp. love u all!!

I want to be adopted!

Go to NMI, I believe the adoption thread is stickied. My post is on pg 16. I want to be adopted...lol. Esp maybe by Ocean, Cosmic Charlie, Felix, or Dave!

PM me or comment to this blog to let me know!

hehehe...

but only because I have walked though hell.

my dredawg is on her way here!
bah im friggin excited
i know it's gay to document this but i dont friggin care. i havent seen her in a year and she's my wayne to my garth, my bud to my doyle, my frankenfurter to my rocky and she's moving back to stay!!!!
dude turn into a table!
mini tribal!!

i met her at the most oddest of places. the lewis gale crazy kid clinic when i was 14 and she was 13. we were both there for a week and became good friends. a year later when i was starting city high school and i knew absolutely no one, who would get on the bus? yes yes dredawg and she remembered me and we were inseparable ever since. dammit i miss high school.
we talk on the phone for friggin hours everyday and she's finally back to stay!!!



she's also the one who showed me bluelight in the first place. she stopped posting a long time ago but she was known as staudri.
lol both of our names on here have something to do with our high school memories together.
mine comes from us skipping school and walking to this park where we'd get high and do stupid things. but to get to the park we'd have to cross a field full of slushy muddy water. i would say it a weird way and it kinda stuck. being high and stupid we all thought it was hilarious.
hers derived from her just coming to my science class even though she wasnt suppose to and hiding in the back. one day we found these huge long plastic tubes and it both hit us that it was made to be smoked out of by the both of us. so she hid this huge tube in the back of the coat she's wearing in the above picture. it looked so obvious but she scurried so quickly out the door.
once we got to my house we made the tube into paraphernalia which we named staudri because it was an effort on both our parts. stacy/audrey

geeeee im excited

Washington Time: Al Qaeda may launch bioweapon attack on US from Mexico with help from white militias


The propaganda is being laid on quite thick. I think I hear a train coming...

Please visit my thread and comment on what you make of this propaganda. Look at my last post regarding militias to hear a black man (not a white supremacist) talk about his role in the militia and why it is important.

They want to make you people believe we're the terrorists. We aren't. If you want to see real terrorism, look at the actions of our federal government.

bah...fuck me. I should of stopped the stims after work and just relaxed. But nope, I had to go out, had to do more.....I am not looking forward to this comedown. I CANT use my antipsychotics.....I must save them for GF's come down's. I cant take a big dose of benzo's, i gotta work at 8am, and phenazepam's half life is too long....I get to ride out it straight up. Fun....I made a fucking dumb choice tonight. I could mask it I guess...but no...cause I dont my lover to have to feel nasty come downs. So my last 3 AP's are untouchable.

Well I guess its not my worst comedown ever....that was on my first deployment. age 18.5 or so. (facts are vague to protect my ID) so we get jacked up on dexedrine and the yanks give us Desoxyn...."routine presence patrol" with multinational UN force.

We get attacked. A troop gets hurt...bad....some shrap and rounds in the gut. We ask for a medical helo. Denied because the LZ was hot (enemy fire...whatever country was providing med helo's diddnt wanna risk em)

this guy was a hell of a nice guy...always joking, giving us the candy from his rations, ect. So he is bleeding to death, internally. Helo wont come until we can confirm the area is no longer hot.....the thing was, its 4 guys, in a very hostile slum in the 3rd world....oh and peace keeping ROE's= we cant shoot unless they active attacking us. So they run around and dig in, not shooting, meaning we cant do shit....another country says it has a T-72 and a BTR-80 coming for us....3 or 4 hours. Our wounded man now accepts he will die. He resigns him self to it.

the mix of fear (surronded by hostiles) anger (send a fucking helo you dipshits) and sorrow (this wonderful young man dying in the streets of nowhere) are overwhelming. We have no med supplies, save a few dressings, morphine syrettes and dexedrine. We offer to cut his suffering short with the sryettes, he declines. We take the rest of our dexies. (150mg)

We decide to try one semi suicidal attack on the insurgents, ROE's and tactical doctrine be damned. (think a la verdun....but on a 1/200,000 scale)...just run at them....we fail, and all aquire minor injuries. We go back to our comrade. He wrote some MSN addies and phone #'s down....he wanted us to tell his friends/fam what happened, not some PR officer. I accept.

the whole time, he keeps telling us to cheer up! he keeps making jokes and stuff....he then offers something. To man an FN MAG (M241) so we can try to escape....I told him, 4 went out, either 4 return, or 0 return....We where not going to leave him to die alone, in some far off land.

he dies maybe 45mins later in my arms....I'm doing anything I can to stay composed. Soon there after....the 3rd country t-72 and BTR-80 arrive. The wisk us and his body back to a fire base.

instead of rest? instead of a shower? they gave us fresh magazines and more dexedrine, and send us out to deal with the insurgents who caused this....this time with an armoured coy and heavy inf platoon in support....so back we go, back to blood and guts and death.

We return again. Its been maybe 36 hours now, up on amps, having seen my first real war death....I ask for a single sleeping pill....denied, addictive, and they make you less capable.

I go on MSN, and tell his GF what happened, as per his request. On webcam, so she can see his blood soaked into my fatigues.

after that, the amphetamines wear off. I spend god knows how long fucking hours crying under my blankets. The trauma of my friends slow, violent death in my arms, combined with massive amp comedown...is my worst memory ever.

I remember at some point a Major and two MP's come and kick me, tell me to "unfuck" myself, get kitted up, and get ready to go "outside the wire" again....at that point, I wasnt the clean cut, blue beret wearing Canadian peacekeeper anymore. I had that blank stare on my face...later that week, I fired my weapon, and watched the target also slowly die. Not allowed to speed it up, and no med supplies to help.....that made for another *amazing* dexedrine comedown.

when I returned, I went back to finish my last HS credits and couldnt do it.....a teacher said something like "do you know the COSEQUENCES of handing an essay in late" I asked her if it would lead to my friend dying in my arms, or a mass grave of women....she had nothing to say. I then quit.

so yeah, this come down isnt too bad in retrospect, compared to them comedowns.

double posted from fourms so i dont loose it...i wanna write some war memoirs and wnt this for a scrap to work with

The title says it all. Why am i it's not like i have anything very exciting going on now.

My day: wake up pop various pills. Opiates, mood stabilizers, benzos and if im really loopy some zyprexa.

The rest of the day is spent reading, talkin to friends on the phone, sitting outside smoking, talking to my next door neighbour when he's around and that is basically it.

So a blog about nothingness more or less. Guess i'll write something worth saying when im not feeling so blah.

fuck yeah. Im ripped on uppers, and getting ready to do 8 miles jog with 75lbs of kit on. it willl be extra fun, since its friday night and I make my route though downtown/club areas. might talk to some girls if I feel like it.

but I usually just enjoy the workout, the alone time and leave my ipod going the whole time.

either way, its fun and free (except for the like 2 bucks of mdpv I do while doing it I guess)

if I run into "someone" during my walk, guess what? I JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK.

on a side note, fukken my muscles are sore.

so it all goes to shit, but im still smiling.

but I think a carl gustav 84mm though a certain front door would make me grin more.

where ever i plan to have my house, it must be beside/near a large body of water. even if i never place a foot in it, i just feel better when water is around.

it's raining outside and i love it.
i have a sunglass tan line.
there's sand still in my purse.
and i cried a little in the bathroom before we left yesterday morning. not a sobbing cry, just a few tears. it was completely involuntary and i had no idea why it happened. i felt immediate stupidity, splashed my face in the sink, and put my sunglasses back on.

I originally started journals/blogs to document my feeling and experiences in order to reflect on them.

I have been holding back from writing ALL the cravings, feelings and events. I was leading that double-life that many of us end up trying to pull off when in a relationship. My girl knows about BL and said she liked reading my journals/blogs. I told her how to access my journals so that she would know about my IV coke habit that had torn my life into unrecognizable shreds.

I relapsed so I was unable to be specific and open on BL. I had to maintain those two lives, the addict and the boyfriend.

Well, my girl found out about my lying and using and left me.

I can now write somewhat freely to unburden myself. The one fear I have is that 'M' will read how bad my usage has gotten and tell my family out of concern. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN. My mom doesn't need more things to worry about concerning me.

I'm going to take the chance and write openly again. Hell, the plan is to get into rehab anyway so fuck it.

I finally got my MScontin script yesterday after about a week of being off the stuff and living on percocets for the past few days. I also got it 8 days early due to the fact that my friendly hometown pharmacist knows me and fills the script early as long as it's not too outragous.

My doctor is a clueless cunt about opiates and pain management and this works both in and against my favour. On one hand he pretty much gives me any breakthrough pain med that i want from codeine right up to dilaudid. On the otherside of it he won't up my MScontin dose or try me on marinol for my neuropathic pain or even try and send me to a doctor that can prescribe me methadone pills for pain.

Although i like MS IR 30's the best since they are strong they are a real hassle since almost no goddamn pharmacy seems to stock the fuckers . My doctors office is right above a pharmacy and it's right in the heart of the ghetto and even though about 50 people pass through it to get their methadone dose every hour they never stock MS IR 30's and hardly ever stock MScontin 60's.

You would think that a place that has so many junkies around the area would have those meds but no that would be too fucking convienant for me. They don't get many prescriptions for "high potency" morphine pills as they call them. Seems most of the junkies in the city like oxycontin better then morphine and even better then dilaudid. Fuck knows why guess cause it's the "in" opiate right now and get's the most news coverage.

Hanging around there can be pretty depressing. It makes me sad to see some kids that look so young strolling down to get their methadone and they are obviously dopesick. Some of them are barely 18 and look like they are in agony and drippin sweat and lookin pale as a sheet. So i feel sad for them because i have been there many times myself and know that they are in hell.

I got the percs filled there since i was abit dopesick myself and needed something before the codeine wore off and the decline set in. Sitting outside chain smoking for half a hour while some slow as fuck pharmacist takes forever to fill my script is not fun. I have gotten better at playing the waiting game though. I just sit outside in a clonazepam, zopiclone and clonidine induced haze and go off into some weird day dream state and only snap out of it when a really good looking woman walks by. That takes my mind right off the sickness and puts it on other things .

I think thats plenty enough nonsensical ramblings for today. so im going to enjoy this rare sunny and hot day and stop boring everyone with my blog .

Peace to everyone .

My husband had been a bradley commander, on the front lines in Iraq. Part of his job was to be the first emergency responce if something bad happened (IED, attacks, eg: all the bad shit)

But my husband just got promoted to laiason officer. (thank god for college education and computer skills!!) so now, instead of staring danger straight in the face every day, he's sitting behind a desk, writing reports.

He's not excited about it, he feels the need to be there with all of his men, and I respect and understand that. But, he must follow orders. And I am incredibly happy!!!!! He's never 100% safe, none of us are, but he's not out there any more!!! And I'm so fucking excited!!! Thank you God for taking care of my husband!!!

I can breathe now. My husband may be bored, but, fuck, if that's the worst thing you can complain about in regards to your experience in Iraq, thats absolutely freaking wonderful!!!!

I love him so much, and I miss him. I can't wait to be in his arms again... just a few more months. I can't believe that I've gotten this far and survived it. I'm proud of myself, and of him. My husband is a hero, and he's amazing!

So we decided to try something new in Blogs and make a different theme to write about each month.

This isn't a competition or anything, just something to get creative juices flowing and to spice things up around here a bit.

I'll be writing my entry soon, I look forward to reading other people's!

Happy Blogging!

just have to say, yayyy!!! for having access to BL from my blackberry!!!

And buy guns. Learn to use them. The police and military aren't going to protect you when the shit hits the fan. They confiscated guns during Katrina. They will do it again.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNs8t13y8lM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bew_9GeuGA4


YOU are the militia.


Come join me in the gun control thread I've started up, it's fun and lively discussion, I promise!

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=442685

Bye!

Okay, last message here before I pack up my computer. I'm driving to OHIO today!!!!!!!!

I'm so excited!!!! But, only downside, 16 hr trip, and 2 small kids! At least I got DVD players installed in the SUV last night.

I love you all. Once I'm settled in, I will be back on here. Updating with my blogs. Because I know that everyone is interested in every detail of my life, right?

Many

~October

Two weeks ago tomorrow, which would make it a Friday, an acquaintance of mine called up my new bffl, Cheynnyne (pronounced like the capital of Wyoming) and asked if he wanted to go with her on a road trip to DC on Sunday. No one else was yet invited, so I too was invited since I had never been to DC and, well, I'm just fuckin' awesome.

Saturday rolled around and I told my parents that I was going to DC. They were kind of worried, but what parents wouldn't be, especially consider that I've never been on a road trip, or traveled much of anywhere at all. By Saturday night, I was packing my bags, because we were leaving at 2am on Sunday. (Or so I thought.) I left my house with a backpack full of STUFF--nothing too useful really--and told my parents I would see them whenever we got back.

As planned, I wound up in RJ's basement with him and Cheynnyne. We probably hit a bong all night; I can't quite remember the details. When "morning" came around, but really, it was just barely past midnight, I asked Cheynnyne when Meg will be arriving to leave. He looked at me all confused and realized that I had gotten the am/pm thing wrong, and told me we were leaving Sunday afternoon. Meaning I was locked out of my house with no place to crash. So Cheynnyne and I slept in my car. By the time the sun came up, my car was a fucking oven.

Anyway, Chey and I met up with Meg to pick up bud, and then the three of us met up with RJ to smoke before leaving, until we realized, WTF, RJ ISN'T COMING? WHY THE F NOT?!!? So we convinced RJ to come because he had NOTHING better to do. (He's sometimes slightly retarded.) So we picked up bud, dutches, rolling papers, and packed a bong and a bowl with us and hit the road by 3:30.

(The interesting part of the story comes later but I'm too enraptured in other things to actually write much more, but I had to pick someplace to leave off )

I just watched a show that had me in tears.........
The mistreatment of animals, in big ways and small, breaks my heart......
On this show, they were saving the Dancing Bears of India, Sloth Bears.
The bears are bought by gypsy families- who at the bears young age- pierce their face and inserts a large rope in the hole and through their nose.They also put a muzzle on them- The way this is designed the person can tie the rope to a stick and force the bear to dance for people.
It is mostly tourists that pay the gypsies to see the dancing bear.
I guess it has been a tradition of the Kalandar Gypsies and it is how they earn a living.
The bears are starved and abused throughout their lives......
These bears are adorable and docile creatures.
No animal deserves this
Here is a link to more info on a group trying to save the bears......http://www.indianbears.com/

I just had a very deep talk with my neighbor (who, I might add, also cleans my house several times a week, for $, and will be watching my house while I'm away all summer)

We talked deeply about several things, including past/present usage (usage of what?? i'm on bluelight, guess what! lol), and family, and many other things.

I've known her for over 9 months now. She told me that when she first met me she thought I was a bit "prissy and uptight", which, I love. I try very hard to conceal the "real me" (re: anything not 100% socially the norm) from everyone. That made me happy. I'm doing a good job! lol

I feel very close to her. I'm so happy that we have so much in common. I can be honest with her. There are so few people, other than those on BL, who I can be honest with, and not have the fear of betrayel. I have felt very close to her for some time, so its not something new. But it was a much deeper experience tonight, and we talked about so much, even dark, serious stuff, mostly about her family/my paternal family.

I am happy about this. I feel even more free than I did in the past. This is the one time that I'm opening up with someone I haven't known since early childhood (other than family/husband and his family, and here on BL) that I know won't/can't betray me. (I also have too much on her, which I would never/ could never use. No matter what state of mind. Too personal, even if she betrayed me..)

I feel so good about this. I'm almost sad that I'll be leaving for the summer in a few days, but her hubby will be home by then. And I'll be back home before her husband deploys, so we can be there for each other.

Deep talks are so cleansing for the soul. For mine, at least. Talking with like-minded people, esp people associated with the military, is so fucking rare, it doesn't happen (unless they're gossiping bitches, trying to hurt you in the long run)

I feel cleansed. Its so nice to be open. I love it. I love being the true me, its hard to do these days, especially with kids and a family to think of. I deeply appreciate this day.

Time to get off here.

I have to say, I love blogging here, and being me. I just hope it won't kick me in the ass someday (Dave... if you read this... god I hope you're not in law enforcement, even though you're a chemist... lol)

I love being me. Being true to myself. That is so important to me. I've been betrayed too many times.

Take care all... time to read a few more threads, then head to bed.

I BL, I don't know what I'd do without you. I only have just over 200 posts, but I'm a longtime member. I just can't stand the fear of being rejected/criticized, so don't post very much. But I read, and learn, constantly. That has to count for something.

Is not fun

Aint nothin wrong....aint nothin right, and still i sit n lie awake all night...ohh whooa oh......


I been tryna draw more lately so today I made a lil design for a tattoo. concentrating on shit for a while felt good n kept my mind off things. shit looks all fucked up with the computer colors tho. real sketch looks alot better.



Watchin this movie Empire . Alot of memories comes back .

In the driver seat sweat stickin me to the leather. busted seat belt buckle stuck to the front of my shirt with a safety pin so I dont get pulled over for not wearin it , it didnt pull out more than six inches, not enough to get to the buckle part.

Blunts smoked in the twilight walkin down the block, nobody knows. smilin n giggling like two young kids...wat we are....all over the residential streets, crouching on a front porch silent while the L burns. never will forget 9th street til the day i die. endless hours of pokin veins and noddin under shady summer trees, breezes whisperin us awake to take another drive to the spot. lazy and warm like life seen thru a kaleidoscope of green and yellow light.

night time the pavement blacktop still warm from the days heat soakin into the soles of my feet, up up into my soul, a lil glow inside. this little light of mine, im gonna let it shine and shine it did......never did i feel so perfect and whole. and its somethin that can never come back. preserved perfect in memory like a story book tale, the years will go by and the pages will tear, wear down, edges soft like dollar bills...a detail will drop out of my mind like lost pocket change when i bend over and ill forget to pick it up, another piece gone of a time recent literally and a lifetime away truthfully. leanin over the arm rest head on his arm, two hopeless junkies found some comfort in each others in ability to love, content with the strange friendship they found and eyes open to the glitter of the street light and reflections off the glass. damn how did the time pass...............

last summer was a whole lot of beginnings n crashed hard n fast. this summer i feel like a baby. born n learning to walk again. i feel a change stirrin in me like a germinated seed stickin its first green finger tip out of the dirt after it rains.

I want it all. the money and the clothes. The class. fancy restaurants. the breifcase hand off and the poker face connect, big things discussed over trivial desserts, the lexus, the beemer. smell of fresh leather interior and back seat covered in the smell of sex.

But Im scrappin. cable got turned off, Heard my moms singin a song the other night as she was cleanin, "got no job just collection calls, dont got nothin for none of them all, Lord tell me whys it me....got seven channels of shit on tha tee vee........"

cuz the switch over they did or watever it was, we only get static even on the regular channels like 7 and 9, so aint no point. i guess that digital cable shit u cant watch regular tv without a box now. damn thing is worthless than for movies, but cant afford to watch a movie neither, and the internet is the only service we still got on, but got a letter from some big company about downloadin their movies and they gonna cut off our internet if we do it again, so that ones out. better find somethin streaming, quick.....

Shit, Im bout ready to take the tv down to the block and get us some grocerys . Grits for dinner and cereal for days.

No job no insurance. Felony record less than a month old so i cant pull that old made a mistake but im a new person now trick.

I want to get higher n higher n higher n higher..................til the breath stops fightin in my throat and the epic battle of lungs, oxygen, nervous system, the most important war there is, fought in microscopic tubes n vessels, slowly dies down and lay me down to sleep. Ill be dreamin of all I could be.