sunday i have a mini breakdown

So the week ends / begins depending on how you see a sunday....on me having a mini reality flip out on mimosa extraction crystals that i'd been smoking with tobacco....i was sitting on my sofa 'watching a movie' which really i was tripping out to in a meditational like dreamstate....in my mind i'm thinking 'God help me, if there's a reason for me still to be here you're gonna have to show me cos i'm giving up on this life i want out'.....then as the movie went all trippy i don't know what exactly happenned but it was as tho my reality had shifted, kinda like a dream but i was not asleep....i suddenly thought i had killed myself .....yet i could still see my kids...i thought i was trapped in my house and was saying goodbye to them (in reality they had exploded a plastic bottle of cherryade outside and had come to tell me and show me.....i do not remember this neither do i remember following them, i just remember being at the back door....apparently i then hugged my daughter...which they took as very strange as my reaction should have been one of anger....so my son told me to go and have a sit down....then they went to fetch my Mum from next door)....my Mum then came round and BAM 'back to reality'...thank goodness!!....she says to me 'what are you doing you're scaring the kids' and i see my daughter crying....my son defends me by saying that i had been trying new things as the medicine from my doctor wasn't helping .....my Mum collects up the used extraction mixture to empty down the garden and i put the collection jars in the sink.....(i wasn't really wasting any, i'd pretty much smoked the latest collection of crystals).....my son gives me a hug as i begin to explain what my reality had switched to...my son tactfully interrupts and says i can explain later (in an obvious attempt to protect his little sister)....its been about 2 years since my kids last saw me 'acting strange' due to substances......i don't particularly like the trippy high...its certainly not productive...my house is still a shit hole....but it's almost like i was 'shown' a glimpse of what i'd feel like if i committed suicide...and yes...theoretically i'd feel nothing as i'd be dead...but say there is a higher conciousness after death that is aware of the impact and hurt and all you have actually just 'given up' and the hurt and suffering caused.....it was as though i had a reality slap in the face....like a moment of clarity as my kids dad put it...i left out the mimosa bark extraction crystal smoking when i relayed what had occured to him.....but yesterday i had a quite productive day, my Mum came and told me we would walk to Aldi for groceries.....we did....when i got back i called to put in a claim for PIP (Personal Independance Payment and you're eligible if you have suffered a health complaint that affects your daily living for over 3 months and its likely to continue for a further 9 months at least....well yeah government fuckwads....tribuneral!?? ...here's another claim..in your face!! i have borderline personality disorder and shout cunts and the doctors and scream at my daughters teacher ....imagine me working!?)....i also finaly made an appointment with our dentist... my teeth are falling to bits....Lye water and colmans fuel consumption clearly is not good for teeth.....i also called my mental health therapist who i've never met but have been referred to as my doctor cannot fix me.....and told him about the weekend...about my desperation and my self medicating as nothing is working.....he's made an appointment for monday 22nd 11am....whilst explaining that i may not need medication as i've never tried talking therapy...i felt like telling him 'Look fucktard...if you think that a fecw nice little chats are gonna be any good whatsoever by themselves then you're a useless cunt like the rest of em and i may as well move on up in the world and visit the dark web for drugs as a nice little chat won't fix fuck'.....my Mum has said she'll come with me...i'll have to mind my language a tad...but woah if he tries that stupid fuckwit approach.....i'm desperate here for fucks sake and there are medicenes that have never been tried yet some that are thrown at me...trazadone being one and that was BAD...but had i realised its black market value i'd have hung on to that prescription....give me adderall you fucking CUNTS