I give up

I cant take this, any of it. I am fucked up in my head so fucking much. I cant take anymore of his fucking drunk arguments, shit talk, everyday to me. I fucking hate myself enough as it is and he didnt plan to move in and help me get better. He's just making it WORSE BY THE SECOND for me. I just want to fucking die. If I had a way to get some drugs, any drugs, I would and just drown my fucking sorrows. I am here 24/7 BY MYSELF NO MOTIVATION TO DO ANYTHING. I FEEL LIKE I AM BEING CONTROLLED AGAIN. Hes lost his fucking mind. No way we can ever be together, he wont change. I regret taking the phone he gave me on his plan. I cant even fucking drive to a casino to get away w out him online tracking me. Seeing who I call and text. questioning EVERY MOTHER FUCKING THING I DO. I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM. DUH! HELLO!!!! I FUCKING TOLD YOU I DID DUMB FUCK. THIS IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE HEALTHY. FOR ME, HIM OR MY KIDS. AND HE JUST DRINKING WALKING AROUND TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME LOUDLY SO I CAN HEAR. IM A "NARCISSIST LIKE MY EX" "IM A FUCKING BITCH WHORE LIAR SHITTY ASS PARENT." HE SAYS. Oh, but everytime he is sorry dont mean it and loves me. NOT. what is this a fucking joke. WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO COME HOME TO ALL THIS SHIT. NOT ME. EVER. WHICH IS WHY I QUIT. IM THROWING THE TOWEL IN. I CANT DO IT ANYMORE. HE WINS. KEVIN WINS, MICHELE ALREADY WON, THEY ALL DID. CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS MOTHER FUCKERS YA HAPPY.