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The last few days have been rough. I've been dealing with my depression pretty hard. I've been going through a lot of stress with everything in my life.
Today I got off of the phone with my car insurance company, I found out that my car was set on fire, and caused a big mess about 60 miles.
Black outs suck, I don't remember setting it on fire. Now I have that to deal with, and on top of that I've been feeling really low about my self here lately. I've been cutting almost every day, starving myself, and avoiding people. I have no phone, and the only way that I'm contacting my mom is through facebook.

Also I want to say that I ended up in jail the night my car exploded. and a week before that I drank 2 bottles of evan williams, and called my mom told her that I knocked some girl up. She was pissed, and going to jail fucking topped it off. Not only that they came and took my other car, so I'm carless now, once again.

Stupid shit like this is making me get closer, and closer to suicide. How many times I think about it, how I think about who would show up, and who would stay. I've got fucking problems.

I need help, and help cost's money, and money isn't something I have right now.
-Drew

i am rather sure i have made a similar post in the past, but i need to vent. i can not stand my family... family being the people i am related to by blood, not james or even my extended family...

i decided to stay in seattle for thanksgiving but i called home today to see how everyone was doing. the first thing my mom did was bitch about how long it has been since i last called. i said she could have called me, and she went off on this long rant about how i think my life here is way more important and she didn't want to bother me blah blah blah.

it drives me crazy because my friends are fine with a several month gap in talking to me. they never question how important they are to me, or what their place is. they are just there because that how friends are.

So I've been in Cambodia the past few months... having a grand ol time doing a lot of nothing.I did manage to study enough Khmei to make it worth the effort. The language is a beast in some respects, but very simple in other aspects. Trying to speak with the rural people doesn't work so well...
I've been doing dope everyday, three to four times a day. Good dope. The kind that any junkie would die for. And cheap too. So amazingly cheap. Dozens of times cheaper than possible in the west. Now I'm done... i've run out and I'm not doing any more. ever. I'm about 24 hours from last dose. NOt too far into withdraw, I know... But I can't do anymore anyway... I'm starting a 24 hour aeroplane journey in less than 55 hours. Nothing I can do about it after that.With enough xanax and immodium, tylenol, and benadryl I'll have to battle this shit. It's really not bad at all though, feeling OK for now. Drinking plenty of water, feeling a bit sore and restless but nothing else of notice. Hopefully it doesn't get too much worse.
I'm tired of having that fucking drug in my body, the drug controlling all of my actions... fuck that. it's a ball and chain. I don't want it. I'll suffer now to prevent a life of fucking suffering, if I even did live to thirty as a heroin addict....
I was looking at the bluelight shrine, reading through PhreeX's thread again, and lookign at the picture thread. I don't want to be in the bluelight shrine, and that's what would happen one day, some how... not me.
Anyway, when Iget back to the states I've got some very cool things going on. Can't fuck any of that up right now, not for stupid things. There's too much at stake this time..

http://www.eveningstar.co.uk/conten...=xDefault&itemid=IPED26 Nov 2009 16:05:34:333


just read this, made my stomach churn.
that is the true meaning of amphetamine psycosis and with it the last straw for mephedrone

say bye bye to the drone

Went picking with my mates over the past 2 months and managed to find around 1000 liberty caps all together at local playing fields!

This all came about due to a strange encounter outside my local live music venue, where two men who had just been to a wedding reception dressed in smart suits wandered up to the hill where me and my mates where having some k and smoking waiting for the gig to start.

We thought they would just walk straight by, but they undid their top buttons, sat down on a log with us, whipped out a glass pipe and starting toking on some hash. We exchanged some hash for ket and got to talking. They told us about where to pick libbies and due to this we are going to be sorted for late September to early November for years to come for the expense of a 50p bus journey a mile up the road and an hour out of my day!

Mint condish.

fuck the chair pilots! they fucked up everything, now plans and other details are wrong and we're winging something under equipped and under manned.

fuck you and your desk job. you fuck up, you should join us on the pointy tip. you dipshit.

well, BL...if all goes well, talk to ya'll soon. rangrz is off to work.

I knew I was in for it when I decided to drink for a couple of nights in a row. You see, I have a chronic anxiety problem. 24/7 I feel the physical manifestation of anxiety and tension. With alcohol, if I drink for more than one day, after it wears off... I get severe anxiety, with hypnogogagic hallucinations when trying to sleep. Either it's just anxiety, or it's withdrawal.

So I decided to head off to my usual stomping grounds... the ER. They know me well, I've been there plenty of times for drug related anxiety problems and overdoses, they knew my history. I went ahead and over exaggerated alcohol withdrawals, the goal this time around, was to win me some Valium. (For me, benzos work well on my anxiety, plus I was terrified of the possibility that I really was going through withdrawals from alcohol, so Valium was perfect.)
The doctor immediately came in and glared at me with "YOU'RE NOT GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWALS!"

Well he went on to playing the psychologist role and started asking what I was really worried about. I told him seizures and shit, and that I also have been going through an existential crisis for the past year. He called in a therapist of some sort... who is starting to become one really good friend (you'll find out why later).

I went through hundreds upon hundreds of questions. Until finally the therapist asked the nurse if the doc could give me meds for my little problem. Fascinating, after a little wait, the nurse walked back in with a script for Valium. Unbelievable. I was jumping for joy inside, but on the outside I played oblivious. I went home very satisfied.

So now this therapist of mine is asking all sorts of questions every time I go to see her, I'm to see a psychiatrist soon also for medication to treat anxiety. Well unbelievably, this therapist is actually LEAVING OUT my substance and alcohol abuse history when entering in all of my information in her computer (which is networked), just so I can get the "proper meds" for my anxiety. Wow. Talk about making my life easier eh?

Now, while yes I am "drug seeking", and yes there is a bit of diversion going on... no I'm not looking to actually get high on benzos. As a matter of fact, in spite of the deadly and uncomfortable withdrawal syndrome associated with them, and the other problems that can arise... I actually want to be put on these meds long term. SO MAYBE FOR ONCE, I can live anxiety free for more than a couple of days. I'm honestly scared to try antidepressants anyways.

So I'm not totally sure of what I should do when I go in to see the Pdoc... Benzos? Antidepressants? Both?!?!?! Well, I may give the Antidepressants an honest shot, they might really work. But knowing that benzos for sure will do it... it's just a struggle to decide. Well just thought it would be an interesting story for everyone to read, I kinda would like input too. No this is not a "how to fool doctors" guide. It's legit.

Mushrooms, Left to Right: Three Coplendia Cyanescens, One Mutant P. Cubensis, Three Psilocybe Cubensis

Chemical Vials, Left to Right: 13.5mg 4-HO-DMT (Psilocin,) One MDMA Tablet (Tan Star,) 33mg Mescaline HCL

Man oh man, imagine the day of fun you could have with all of this stuff?! This belonged to a chemistry student friend of mine. He told me that when he has his own apartment one day, he plans to hang this on the wall and put a sign below it stating:
"Break glass in the event of an emergency."

11:10 AM
My new projected discharge date is September 7th.

I have a cool roommate. He's a skinhead from the penitentiary. He isn't racist. He was/is only skin for survival in the prison. We're pretty tight and have each other's backs. He's in here with his girl. I respect that they're getting clean together. When the other roommate isn't around I stand watch outside the room so he and his girl can get their affection on.

My therapist said that I'm scheduled for the 8:00 PM meeting that outsiders attend. Finally! Experience, strength and hope from people who have some good clean time. She also has me scheduled to see the psychiatrist so I can attend meetings outside the facility.

I'm noticing that I'm intentionally making myself angry. I was tempted to put my cigarette out on myself again but didn't.

The other day I gave a dude a pack of smokes. He said he'd give me $5 on the first. I hear that he's a scammer so I need to let him know that I get violent when people take advantage of my kindness. If he tries to fuck me over, he needs to realize that he's gonna have to beg or borrow to pay me back. If he doesn't than he's gonna get fuckin' hurt.

5:15 PM
I had my first full hour of volunteering in the computer lab. It was cool but people just want to make greeting cards and shit. That's cool though. Doing simple things like that alleviates some of the fears some folks have about computers. I had them laughing and it felt good.

I had my first real group therapy session today. It wasn't too bad. I told my therapist in group that I was staring at the fat veins on her feet. Veins are a trigger for me so I gotta figure something out about that.

I just realized that my discharge date is on Labor Day. No big deal. I plan on hangin' with my dog all day and maybe gettin' laid. Probably won't be gettin' laid on that Monday but sometime that week.

Time to do some push-ups.

Oh! When I got here I weighed in at 174 lbs. I had dinner at 4:45 and weighed myself at 5:45. I weigh 176 lbs. I'm 5'11" so... whatever that means.

10:10 PM
We had a unit meeting at 8:00 tonight. My therapist told me earlier that I was scheduled to go to a 12 Step meeting that outsiders come to. I was later told that I WASN'T on the list. I was disappointed and angry. It all worked out because there were a few on the list that didn't want to go so I got to go.

I also met with the psychiatrist tonight. He asked why I took myself off the Paxil. I'm done with drugs. ALL drugs. He frowned and said that the depression may come back. No shit, jackass! I gotta learn how to deal with it in a healthy, natural manner.

I MAY not suffer from depression (in the clinical sense). The drugs definitely contributed to my suicidal behaviors and thoughts. We'll see. If it gets bad, I'm currently in a safe place. If it happens when I'm not here then I'll check myself into the State Hospital.

My ex takes 2 - 2mg a night. I take 0.5mg twice a day. 0.5mg has done shit for me, nothing at all, and I am serious, that's not the addictive personality talking.

I keep wondering if I take the 2mg of my ex's would it make much difference cause I take some days 4 anyhow. Plus it would save me a lecture from my doctor...

This has me seriously thinking...

Only would do it when the ex is around and awake and coharent, just in case....

Just has me wondering tonight.


I wanna get fucked up, seriously fucked up but nothing that is gonna make me wish I wanna die when i come down and nothing by needle and nothing TOO hardcore. I know.... retarded shit huh? I wanna get fucked but I'm so picky. Like I could never do crack....nothing against crack users but I watched my family suffer the addiction for 20yrs and how fucked they are. I can't chance getting hooked on that shit.

I just want to buzz out and be fucked up for a few hrs. Just once. Just to know what its like. To FTW and let me just be me. To do it with someone I trust most, so I KNOW would seek help if need be.

I dunno..... I guess the addictive personality is coming out in me again.

Sober for almost 2 months from alcohol and smoking have been clean for years with slight slip last month.

I dunno.... I just wanna get fucked up one night with someone totally awesomeness cool that I trust.

Bah, I feel like shit, I got laringitis and I barely aten all day besides fudgesciles.

I better go eat....

I was sitting drinking and smoking in the kitchen with two friends last night when another lodger in this house came downstairs.

This guy is named shaun, and he claims to be Jamacian despite being born and bred in Kingston, LONDON, ENGLAND, the same town his mum and dad were born in.

Shaun rarely leaves his room lately, unless he visits the bookies or the 24 hour shop and he usually struggles to get dressed beyond a filthy dressing gown or a pair of old and cheap boxer shorts.

He's whiplash thin, and seems to subsist on a daily meal of two boiled eggs, usually prepared about 2 in the afternoon, right after his one hour daily bath. After this he drinks Nigerian Guinness,Tennents Purple tin or Kestrel Lager.

He has the speech patterns and movement of a crackhead and the bad-taste-bastard has yet to wash anything in three months since he rented his room from us.

All this and the waste still comes down to the kitchen bitching about how some shopkeeper had "pushed" one of his kids and shouted at another.

As he told the story it became evident that his kids and four of their little friends had gone into a sweet shop while roaming the street, as they apparently do during the evenings, before sitting on the owners shelving, playing music on their phones and being rude.

The shopkeeper banged one of them over the ear and forcibly threw them out at which point this tool's daughter went and found a poilce to report the shopkeeper to - and the story went on, and on, and on . . .

He's moralising about how "That shopkeeper had no right to touch my kid" rah, rah, rah and then he said "no adult should ever speak to a kid, no adult should ever discipline a kid that isn't theirs" and "no adult should ever hit a kid"- at which point the rest of us are getting pissed off by the alky scarecrow in the dirty boxers wagging his finger at us and slurring from the corner of the kitchen - and we vehemently disagree.

I told him something like "that attitude will cause more shit than it helps" and my two mates (Nigeria and South Africa) testify about about any adult whipping them if they were fucking around.

Then he said " but P, I know my little girl, I know she's not out theiving shit" when really he don't know shit, because he's a fucking flaky bastard who's not seen her in six months except to hand her some money and fuck off again.

So we said "maybe, or maybe it's a peer thing, maybe they just doing it to see how far they can go" to which he answers "No, No, because I'd whip their asses, and they know it, P"!!!!!!

So I said " But you can't touch kids nowdays, CAN YOU Shaun??"

And said "That's it P"

Stupid Bastard.

That was just one time in five minutes, he contradicted himself about ten more times in succession right then. Fucking agitation.

When I walk in the door I see my dog's face, his happiness, his innocence.

All the sick people, all the bad situations, all the horrible acts fade to insignificance.

His gentle, loving nature, his purity, simply makes everything okay.

I wanted to protect. I wanted to avenge. I wanted blood.

Innocence makes this go away.

I've been craving badly today, and when I get cravings my mind tends to wander. I have very little money at the moment, and this evening I found myself entertaining the idea of robbing someone at an ATM. How simple it would be... to watch them withdraw some cash, rush up behind them, pull out my switchblade, and demand that they hand it over. But then I snapped out of it. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking? I'm trying to get back on the right track - not land myself in a fucking jail cell!

Nice try, meth monster.

I'm task saturated, my nerves are pretty edgy seeing that plane waiting for us, so I figure I'd blog some basic SOF techniques.

I'll start with some of the qualities we look for in a new operator.
#1 is intelligence. 90% of the fight is mental, and with such small units high risk, technical operations and no support on station, you have nothing to fall back on but fast thinking.
#2 trouble makers. This isn't a game for the meek, and nor always do written policy and orders meet up with actually doing the job, so we like spunk and attitude.
#3 aggression. Not in dumb bully way, but you need to be able do nasty things to people sometimes, which requires aggression.
#4 a hint of elitism and never give up/no failure mind set.
#5 constant self improvement, learning, working out, making friends...something positive for you that you hunt down.
#6 fatalism and acceptance of death and dying, killing others to save some, and generally comfortable around the morbid, macabre and ghastly.
finally...humor! fuck if you can't laugh in this job, your dead already.....y so srs? lets...put a smile on that face! *whips out combat knife*

What quirks do me and my brick (squad) share? We all abuse stimulants. We all crack jokes at bad times. We all love eminem. We're all bad with girls...probably as we come off cold as steel sliding into your kidney. We're all willing to take huge risks, greater still if its to help someone.

now for some generic tactics and training. situation airmobile insertion for a CQB area multi hostage rescue....The airmobile insertion is generally fast roping from a heli. That takes balls. you're wearing 125 pounds of gear, sliding down a rope with just muscle power, while helpless to enemy fire. Hitting the roof/deck/street/ect. all op's do a 360 clear and adopt their fire sectors. Nearly instantly, the team enters the inside of the structure. Usually with a lot of things like smoke, CS gas, stinger grenades and flashbangs, to stun and confuse the enemy. ditto, we dont go though doors. breeching charges and walls/floors/ceilings, element of surprise. all/any persons interfering with the hostage rescue are to be killed with extreme prejudice and haste. gun fire must be very precise. Loss of hostages due to friendly fire is beyond failure, its another dimenson of urdoinitrong gtfo my /jtf/. This often leads to CQB hostage rescue relying on knives, balls and heavy body armour....leading to it being a very nasty affair. However, as always, weapons and optics are beyond reproach. A selection of gear that would make gun nut jealous. As is all other equipment. Money is a non factor. be it gun fire/edged weapons/blugedoning the OPFOR to death, we now have the hostages. some require subduing to the shock of the whole scene and situation. Pain compliance holds and zip cuffs
being typical. At this point, we put as of our ballistic gear on the hostages as feasible and show them quickly how use one of OPFORs weapons should the need arise.

then we exfiltrate with the hostages. it might be easy, an airmobile exfil from a ship, or hard, over land 100's of KM's fighting along the way. We try to attend to injured hostages ASAP and injured op's second. every member is medically trained to at least EMR level (EMT-B) one is an MD and I'm a critical care level EMT with military specific training re: non sterile environment, limited equipment and meds and dealing with trauma injuries such as gunshots and blasts, and the psychological ones such as combat stress reaction, PTSD, disassociation that are very common in our environment.

I'll write more when I get back if people have intrest. just, the basic SOF indoc course is 8 months long and its alot of shit to write, so if you want more, poke me in a direction/topic. I don't wanna rewrite the 1200 pages of handouts and endless power points that I learned off of, and then helped update.

heading to bed for thanksgiving... watched the bloodbath that is Ninja Assassin this evening- no brain involved in watching that flick, all swords and mutilation. Moving in with Teh_girlfriend saturday, all day friday to recover from thanksgiving dinners with my family and hers... carrying A's in my classes into finals... getting along quite well at work, although being a social worker is getting old after 4 years in it- but just a few years from now I'll have my m.b.a. and can move on to much more interesting things than trying to help people through the metaphorically doorway.

hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday, grateful this evening for all the amazing bluelight people that I was talking to when I was going through college the last time around... especially the ones who I still hear from time to time

As of today, there's only one month left till Christmas. I'm not a Christian, nor an avid consumer, so it's not a tradition that really applies to me! Yet I'm forced to venture out into the busy malls and shopping centres to try and find gifts for my loved ones - which itself is always a challenge. What the hell am I supposed to buy them? I used to resort to buying gift vouchers, but vouchers are boring and get old fast. I'd much rather buy someone a gift spontaneously, to surprise them, rather than being forced to by a dumb tradition. Plus my bank account ain't looking too hot right now.

My fucking life is what I'm thankful for...this is my first sober thanksgiving in 4 years... FOUR FUCKING YEARS...
ugh, I screwed up and invited my friends over for dinner with my family....I didn't see anything wrong with it but apparently its rude... and now i don't know what to do...
whateves...movin on... I think im going to join a gym...hahaha, its almost laughable to me because I don't think i've worked out since freshman year of college... but i have so much pent up aggression that I'm afraid is going to start spilling over unless I do something about it... I've gone back to being VERY in control of myself but I still need an outlet... painting was always a good one for me but i find myself getting mad at that..so...I think i'm due for something new... maybe once i fill up my ipod I'll feel better..music was always very theraptutic...maybe ill try that...fuck the gym, fuck the pain, fuck it all... holy shit..just got a paycheck for 152.00...I didn't even think to spend it on anything until my mom just asked me if i was okay to have money in my pocket....damnit....now its on my fucking mind...people just need to stop fucking worrying about me...if i want to use...i will..no one can stop me but myself...and i dont want it...i dont need it...fuck

The guilt, the guilt, the guilt...
I'm feeling it. All of the shit I've stolen from my family...money, jewelry...god, coin collections...I've done it all and I kept the guilt at bay with drugs... Anytime I'd think about it and start to feel the guilt...that feeling of butterflies in my stomach...I would just get high and kind of forget about it...
The process of setting up...pouring my shit into a cap...mixing in the water...filling the syringe, tying off...finding a vein...that was what got my mind off of things and during the process I would just forget...but now...right now, I'm obsessing...writing this down is helping... but i don't know why this just hit me... I want it to go away!!!

Fucking hell it will be a miracle if i get out of this place without catching yet another flu or worse H1N1. It would be just my goddamn luck to catch that shit. I wouldnt of come here today had i not needed to badly. My foot is so fucked i can barely walk so that most certainly needs looking at and hopefully the son of a bitch will know more then me about it. A long shot given how dumb he is but i have to take it. Christ how can a doctor be so fucking stupid 8) .

One good thing is that there is noone else sitting on this ledge at the top of the stairs so i am atleast 15 feet away from the bastards coughing and sneezing all over the place. The cunts don't even cover their mouth when they cough! Fuck it's no wonder i caught what i thought was the plague last time i was here. Also im pretty sure the only thing holding this whole building up is the termites and cockroaches. It looks like it hasent had a paint job since sometime in the 60's and sure as hell no work has been done on it in about that long either. But then again every building and house in this ghetto is like that.

My name is finally called and at this point im limping actually because it is damn sore. To my surprise he sees that it is a infection and not just chaffing against my sneaker. So he must have atleast basic medical training afterall which amazes me. He gives me a prescription for that which he says should help it. Fine and dandy there. Then i tell him im almost out of clonazepam and need enough to cover me until i can see my psychiatrist. He asks what dose im on and i say 6mg's a day which is true because i am prescribed 6mg's a day but only take that much or more if things are rough. I usually take 4mg's. It's been a rough month which is why im out about a week early .

The idiot surprises me when he says the maximum dose of clonazepam is 4mg's a day! WTF is wrong with this cunt i know that isint the limit and i say ive been on 6mg's a day for about 3 fucking years! He says he can only prescribe me 4mg's a day and that's it and i say if i only take 4mg's a day i will go into withdrawals which is bullshit but i only asked for about 4-5 days worth since i didnt want to admit i had ran out so early as he might call my shrink. So i say fine and grab my scripts and walk out of his office before my rage builds up and becomes a problem.

Im pure raging as im heading towards the pharmacy thats downstairs in this dump. My anger is building up until i i see the clonazepam prescription. I almost piss my pants with laughter. The guy has written me 4mg's of clonazepam a day alright but he has given me 30 2mg pills! So instead of getting 4 days worth of 6mg's a day which would be 12 2mg pills the cunt has gone ahead and given me 15 days worth of 4mg's a day! A fuckup on his part that goes in my favour is a very very rare occurance ( i think the last one happened back in 2007) so a few good deeds that i did for people lately must be paying off. Who says karma does not exist?

I go up to the pharmacy counter to drop off my script and i can barely keep the smile off my face. The girl behind the counter who no doubt knows me by name now looks sorta surprised when she doesent see a narcotics script there. I wouldnt blame her as i think this is the only time i have ever gotten a script or scripts filled here where there wasent atleast one opiate prescription there.

I go outside to have a smoke while i wait for my prescriptions to be filled. It is sunny out but the sun holds no warmth today and it is damn cold. I have only a leather jacket on but the 4 60mg MScontins i took make me pretty resistant to the cold. I can't stop smiling the whole damn time im smoking and im not even caring that my foot hurts like a bitch and my hands are going numb from the cold.

Well fello Blers I'm proudly to say that i'm on day six of no Pain Meds. This is crazy great for me. I'm now on suboxone and i swear its a miracle drug. My girlfriend likes them and i hate to seethem leave my box almost get pissed about it she thinks she gets high from it.
And Hell the reason i'm on them is Its def. time in my life where i have to get off opiates. I lucky acquired 15 8mg subs. I'm going to try to make this all i need. If i think i need more i might be able to get more or go to the doc.
But on
DAY 1
I was going through some terrible withdrawls and didn't have any pain meds for 40 hrs. i think and had these subs. waiting for me. So, I was shitting, sweeting, clammy feeling the whole nine yards you guys know that deal. Well i said its def. time to try these subs. that i have never taken before in my life.
I have heard people used them to get high and i heard people are buying these 8mg of sub for like 30 to 40$ thats crazy...
I took 4 mg of sub in the morning around 10am. and at 12pm I wasn't sweeting shitting i didn't even have to take any poo poo pills to stop the shitts hsahahahaha then came around 8 pm i took 2 mg xtra to get through the night.
DAY 2
Woke up felt ok then took 4mg. feeling great thinking damn this sub. shit is GOLD. later on the day i took 1 mg more
DAY 3
i popped out of bed like i was on opiates but not. I had so soooo much energy it was like someone fed me a 80 in my sleep hahha.
Day 4.
Sub 4mg. in the morning and the day goes by wonderful. My damn sweetlady wants me to give her one again. I start getting ill bc i'm the one with the damn pain problem and then she starts with i'm trying to get off of them too. But earlier she tells me that she doesn't have a pain prob hers is xanax. So, I say Y in the hell are you wanting my subs. This is killin me that she is taking my gold bars so after she is bitching and complaining about to fucking cry i give her 3 mgs. she says that give her a headache and she needs 4 mgs. thats fucking weird.
Day 5
Didn't think about doing a pain pill just took 3mg. of sub.
and
1 before bed.
Today....
Day 6...
I now have 6 subs left 8mg ones. I took 4 mgs this morning don't know y i did 4mgs it was kind of dumb but i'm feeling great now and Its weird i'm fucking itching like I am on pain meds again. Don't get me wrong I love the itch.
And its making my head feel a lil floaty i'm digging that also.
I forgot to add I have been taking 2 mg. xanax everyday for these 6 days.
I'm so happy about sub. But i'm thinking of a tapering off schedule
TELL ME IF THIS SHOULD WORK my fellow bluelighters. I love you guys no shit
Been on here for a long time. longer than my profile says by three years.
Ok if i have 40mg of sub left.
should i go to 3mg. for 5 days then 2 for 7 days then 1 for 6days and then maybe do 1/2 of mg. for the remander of the time.

Sorry everyone for my rambling i have read all these pages on here about subs. and just don't want to get hooked on these damn things and have to depend on something else. People say here that they are hard to come of off. This is not sounding good to me.
So, is the schedule somewhat correct for me to do. So, i can kick this pain/sub/allOpiates

Thanks for reading and listing to my problems you guys are great
Peace, Love, *&* KappYness
eat peach for Peace

please send me any feedback if you would change the way i'm doing this or anything. Much love to all you true bluelighters.

Pager goes off, same old #.

call it up, and told shits for real, the impossible needs doing again so get prepped.

slip on all the black aramid, nomex and kevlar garments, toss the 40 pound IV level plates in the carrier, toss it on. toss on the black tac vest.

select weapons. for this, Mp5 and 10 mags with glock 20 and 5 mags for back up. attach them all in the correct manner.

slog on my huge medical bag. finish up with knives, helmet, goggles, glow sticks, night vision, radios and batteries and other misc gear.

step on the scale. see a number thats 125 higher then before.

must move nimble and quick with set up, just as if without it. come down a rope no rigging, just hand power. climb up one, again just your muscles to do it, only with another human added to the load.

the hard part will be over and done mere minutes. there will be blood, death, gore, fear and hell itself. then it will be tranquil again....so goes the plan.

or we get gunned down before we get off the ropes, and it just ends.

either way, fuck fear, fuck limits and fuck the impossible. Failure is a non option, we will do the impossible again, and we'll come back just as arrogant and douchy as before, cause fuck it, we earned that right.

lolz. 15 mins of OP time, 45 mins of helo time, and the rest with the creature comforts we're use to like internet, beds, phones ect.

every war is different, modern SOF operations have no parallel to things in history. Probably the closest is the Knights of old...fighting in small numbers, up close and personal, nothing sterile or detached, no uncertainty about who did what.

and I'm suppose to be dead normal and fit in with college dingbats in a bar? The ones who think making it to class on time is hard? they got idea what hard is.

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played on lips 'til it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent, screaming blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world



(C) Snow Patrol 2005

I'm not a big fan of labels, especially when it comes psychiatric diagnoses. I mean, even the most healthy people will display symptoms of some "disorder" at some stage in their lives, and there's also a lot of cross-over between the different diagnoses which can make it unclear what a person actually suffers from. But I do find it interesting to read through the DSM, look up my own diagnoses, and see how many of the symptoms I actually have.

Borderline Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms.

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I can honestly cay I fit every single one of those criteria, although number 9 is rare for me (I think I've only dissociated from stress once or twice in my life), and I am getting much better at controlling my anger in number 8.

Major Depressive Disorder (Major Depressive Episode)

A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either

(1) depressed mood

(2) loss of interest or pleasure.

Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.

(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.

(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others).

(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.

(4) Insomnia or Hypersomnia nearly every day.

(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).

(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick).

(8 ) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others).

(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide .

B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

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The diagnosis for Major Depressive Disorder hinges on the critirea for a Major Depressive Episode (above), which I fit to a tee. I've experienced around several of these episodes every year since I was 12 or 13, so my actual diagnosis is "Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder" or something like that.

Substance Dependence

A maladaptive pattern of substance use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

(1) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

(a) a need for markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve Intoxication or desired effect.

(b) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the substance.

(2) Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:

(a) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for the substance (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria sets for Withdrawal from the specific substances).

(b) the same (or a closely related) substance is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.

(3) the substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.

(4) there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use.

(5) a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the substance (e.g., visiting multiple doctors or driving long distances), use the substance (e.g., chain-smoking), or recover from its effects.

(6) important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of substance use.

(7) the substance use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (e.g., current cocaine use despite recognition of cocaine-induced depression, or continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption).

Specify if:

With Physiological Dependence: evidence of tolerance or withdrawal (i.e., either Item 1 or 2 is present).

Without Physiological Dependence: no evidence of tolerance or withdrawal (i.e., neither Item 1 nor 2 is present).

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My benzo and meth addictions both meet the criteria for "Substance Dependence With Physiological Dependence".

Gender Identity Disorder, which I technically have, is also listed in the DSM. But I won't bother adding that here because I don't think being transgendered is any more of a "disorder" than being gay!

Damn Im doing so good on my methadone program. Im about to get my 6th take home dose. Im down from 120mgs to 60mgs. But im starting to get that feeling of wanting to use again. I hate when it just creeps up on you like that. I see my Girlfriend who quit methadone at 60mgs cold turkey!!!wowzers..lol And now she is sniffing Oxys again and getting right high to the point when she is just nodding and scratching it out like crazy. Ugh..I envy that feeling. I have quit opiates CT to many times to even think about trying it again.
So I just get jelious when I see my lover all high out of her mind...blowing me off to hang out with our still using friends.

TO make everything worse now everyone smokes he Oxy 40s and 80s now. She doesnt..she has dated me to long and knows how stupid smoking oxys it. It does work but you destroy/waste to much of the drug.

I kinda want to find someone who has a carrie or 2 so I can buy at least 120mgs together and then take it with my daily 60mgs dose..plus 50mgs of diphenhydramine and 2 beers..and just get high for once. They say you cant get high off methadone when your on it. but if you drink 3x you dose with some diphen, you`ll get high. Maybe not striaght out euphoric dope induced nodding...but you`ll still get a nice mellow opiate induced bliss.