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As of today, there's only one month left till Christmas. I'm not a Christian, nor an avid consumer, so it's not a tradition that really applies to me! Yet I'm forced to venture out into the busy malls and shopping centres to try and find gifts for my loved ones - which itself is always a challenge. What the hell am I supposed to buy them? I used to resort to buying gift vouchers, but vouchers are boring and get old fast. I'd much rather buy someone a gift spontaneously, to surprise them, rather than being forced to by a dumb tradition. Plus my bank account ain't looking too hot right now.
My fucking life is what I'm thankful for...this is my first sober thanksgiving in 4 years... FOUR FUCKING YEARS...
ugh, I screwed up and invited my friends over for dinner with my family....I didn't see anything wrong with it but apparently its rude... and now i don't know what to do...
whateves...movin on... I think im going to join a gym...hahaha, its almost laughable to me because I don't think i've worked out since freshman year of college... but i have so much pent up aggression that I'm afraid is going to start spilling over unless I do something about it... I've gone back to being VERY in control of myself but I still need an outlet... painting was always a good one for me but i find myself getting mad at that..so...I think i'm due for something new... maybe once i fill up my ipod I'll feel better..music was always very theraptutic...maybe ill try that...fuck the gym, fuck the pain, fuck it all... holy shit..just got a paycheck for 152.00...I didn't even think to spend it on anything until my mom just asked me if i was okay to have money in my pocket....damnit....now its on my fucking mind...people just need to stop fucking worrying about me...if i want to use...i will..no one can stop me but myself...and i dont want it...i dont need it...fuck
The guilt, the guilt, the guilt...
I'm feeling it. All of the shit I've stolen from my family...money, jewelry...god, coin collections...I've done it all and I kept the guilt at bay with drugs... Anytime I'd think about it and start to feel the guilt...that feeling of butterflies in my stomach...I would just get high and kind of forget about it...
The process of setting up...pouring my shit into a cap...mixing in the water...filling the syringe, tying off...finding a vein...that was what got my mind off of things and during the process I would just forget...but now...right now, I'm obsessing...writing this down is helping... but i don't know why this just hit me... I want it to go away!!!
Fucking hell it will be a miracle if i get out of this place without catching yet another flu or worse H1N1. It would be just my goddamn luck to catch that shit. I wouldnt of come here today had i not needed to badly. My foot is so fucked i can barely walk so that most certainly needs looking at and hopefully the son of a bitch will know more then me about it. A long shot given how dumb he is but i have to take it. Christ how can a doctor be so fucking stupid 8) .

One good thing is that there is noone else sitting on this ledge at the top of the stairs so i am atleast 15 feet away from the bastards coughing and sneezing all over the place. The cunts don't even cover their mouth when they cough! Fuck it's no wonder i caught what i thought was the plague last time i was here. Also im pretty sure the only thing holding this whole building up is the termites and cockroaches. It looks like it hasent had a paint job since sometime in the 60's and sure as hell no work has been done on it in about that long either. But then again every building and house in this ghetto is like that.

My name is finally called and at this point im limping actually because it is damn sore. To my surprise he sees that it is a infection and not just chaffing against my sneaker. So he must have atleast basic medical training afterall which amazes me. He gives me a prescription for that which he says should help it. Fine and dandy there. Then i tell him im almost out of clonazepam and need enough to cover me until i can see my psychiatrist. He asks what dose im on and i say 6mg's a day which is true because i am prescribed 6mg's a day but only take that much or more if things are rough. I usually take 4mg's. It's been a rough month which is why im out about a week early :\ .

The idiot surprises me when he says the maximum dose of clonazepam is 4mg's a day! WTF is wrong with this cunt i know that isint the limit and i say ive been on 6mg's a day for about 3 fucking years! He says he can only prescribe me 4mg's a day and that's it and i say if i only take 4mg's a day i will go into withdrawals which is bullshit but i only asked for about 4-5 days worth since i didnt want to admit i had ran out so early as he might call my shrink. So i say fine and grab my scripts and walk out of his office before my rage builds up and becomes a problem.

Im pure raging as im heading towards the pharmacy thats downstairs in this dump. My anger is building up until i i see the clonazepam prescription. I almost piss my pants with laughter. The guy has written me 4mg's of clonazepam a day alright but he has given me 30 2mg pills! So instead of getting 4 days worth of 6mg's a day which would be 12 2mg pills the cunt has gone ahead and given me 15 days worth of 4mg's a day! A fuckup on his part that goes in my favour is a very very rare occurance ( i think the last one happened back in 2007) so a few good deeds that i did for people lately must be paying off. Who says karma does not exist?

I go up to the pharmacy counter to drop off my script and i can barely keep the smile off my face. The girl behind the counter who no doubt knows me by name now looks sorta surprised when she doesent see a narcotics script there. I wouldnt blame her as i think this is the only time i have ever gotten a script or scripts filled here where there wasent atleast one opiate prescription there.

I go outside to have a smoke while i wait for my prescriptions to be filled. It is sunny out but the sun holds no warmth today and it is damn cold. I have only a leather jacket on but the 4 60mg MScontins i took make me pretty resistant to the cold. I can't stop smiling the whole damn time im smoking and im not even caring that my foot hurts like a bitch and my hands are going numb from the cold.
We are approaching the holiday season with Thanksgiving being tomorrow and I unfortuantely will not be able to spend it with my family. This sucks I guess, but things could be worse. Holidays aren't as big of a deal as they used to be. Christmas when I was a kid was something I looked forward to all year! My birthday is on December 2nd so from Thanksgiving all through New Years was always a very exciting time because during this month I had Thanksgiving, my B-day, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve, and New Years Day. Wow lots of fun and celebration. Now-a-days I am older and its really not as fun as it was. I live away from my family so I really don't even do anything special on these days.

Today at THS (my M.M.T. clinic; it stands for Theraputic Health Services lol) it was carry day so I faithfully lugged my locking box up there and got my take-home dose for Thanksgiving...and as fast as I got it I drank it down as I walked down the sidewalk away from the clinic. I really need to seriously think about a dose increase if I plan to be on methadone maintenance for a long-term amount of time. The cravings have increased for sure because I always look forward to doubling up when i get a take-home dose and this is bad. I don't go into w/d or get sick at all on the day I'm supposed to take the take-home, but still it is not good as far as my stability on the program goes. I will think more about that and talk to my counselor about it on December 1st at 9:30 when I meet with him for the first time. My other counselor either got fired or quit because the front desk told me she no longer works there, and re-assigned me to a guy named Darren. We'll see how that goes I suppose...%)...that's all for this blog update. Peace! :p
Well fello Blers I'm proudly to say that i'm on day six of no Pain Meds. This is crazy great for me. I'm now on suboxone and i swear its a miracle drug. My girlfriend likes them and i hate to seethem leave my box almost get pissed about it she thinks she gets high from it.
And Hell the reason i'm on them is Its def. time in my life where i have to get off opiates. I lucky acquired 15 8mg subs. I'm going to try to make this all i need. If i think i need more i might be able to get more or go to the doc.
But on
DAY 1
I was going through some terrible withdrawls and didn't have any pain meds for 40 hrs. i think and had these subs. waiting for me. So, I was shitting, sweeting, clammy feeling the whole nine yards you guys know that deal. Well i said its def. time to try these subs. that i have never taken before in my life.
I have heard people used them to get high and i heard people are buying these 8mg of sub for like 30 to 40$ thats crazy...
I took 4 mg of sub in the morning around 10am. and at 12pm I wasn't sweeting shitting i didn't even have to take any poo poo pills to stop the shitts hsahahahaha then came around 8 pm i took 2 mg xtra to get through the night.
DAY 2
Woke up felt ok then took 4mg. feeling great thinking damn this sub. shit is GOLD. later on the day i took 1 mg more
DAY 3
i popped out of bed like i was on opiates but not. I had so soooo much energy it was like someone fed me a 80 in my sleep hahha.
Day 4.
Sub 4mg. in the morning and the day goes by wonderful. My damn sweetlady wants me to give her one again. I start getting ill bc i'm the one with the damn pain problem and then she starts with i'm trying to get off of them too. But earlier she tells me that she doesn't have a pain prob hers is xanax. So, I say Y in the hell are you wanting my subs. This is killin me that she is taking my gold bars so after she is bitching and complaining about to fucking cry i give her 3 mgs. she says that give her a headache and she needs 4 mgs. thats fucking weird.
Day 5
Didn't think about doing a pain pill just took 3mg. of sub.
and
1 before bed.
Today....
Day 6...
I now have 6 subs left 8mg ones. I took 4 mgs this morning don't know y i did 4mgs it was kind of dumb but i'm feeling great now and Its weird i'm fucking itching like I am on pain meds again. Don't get me wrong I love the itch.
And its making my head feel a lil floaty i'm digging that also.
I forgot to add I have been taking 2 mg. xanax everyday for these 6 days.
I'm so happy about sub. But i'm thinking of a tapering off schedule
TELL ME IF THIS SHOULD WORK my fellow bluelighters. I love you guys no shit
Been on here for a long time. longer than my profile says by three years.
Ok if i have 40mg of sub left.
should i go to 3mg. for 5 days then 2 for 7 days then 1 for 6days and then maybe do 1/2 of mg. for the remander of the time.

Sorry everyone for my rambling i have read all these pages on here about subs. and just don't want to get hooked on these damn things and have to depend on something else. People say here that they are hard to come of off. This is not sounding good to me.
So, is the schedule somewhat correct for me to do. So, i can kick this pain/sub/allOpiates

Thanks for reading and listing to my problems you guys are great
Peace, Love, *&* KappYness
eat peach for Peace

please send me any feedback if you would change the way i'm doing this or anything. Much love to all you true bluelighters. ;)
Pager goes off, same old #.

call it up, and told shits for real, the impossible needs doing again so get prepped.

slip on all the black aramid, nomex and kevlar garments, toss the 40 pound IV level plates in the carrier, toss it on. toss on the black tac vest.

select weapons. for this, Mp5 and 10 mags with glock 20 and 5 mags for back up. attach them all in the correct manner.

slog on my huge medical bag. finish up with knives, helmet, goggles, glow sticks, night vision, radios and batteries and other misc gear.

step on the scale. see a number thats 125 higher then before.

must move nimble and quick with set up, just as if without it. come down a rope no rigging, just hand power. climb up one, again just your muscles to do it, only with another human added to the load.

the hard part will be over and done mere minutes. there will be blood, death, gore, fear and hell itself. then it will be tranquil again....so goes the plan.

or we get gunned down before we get off the ropes, and it just ends.

either way, fuck fear, fuck limits and fuck the impossible. Failure is a non option, we will do the impossible again, and we'll come back just as arrogant and douchy as before, cause fuck it, we earned that right.

lolz. 15 mins of OP time, 45 mins of helo time, and the rest with the creature comforts we're use to like internet, beds, phones ect.

every war is different, modern SOF operations have no parallel to things in history. Probably the closest is the Knights of old...fighting in small numbers, up close and personal, nothing sterile or detached, no uncertainty about who did what.

and I'm suppose to be dead normal and fit in with college dingbats in a bar? The ones who think making it to class on time is hard? they got idea what hard is.
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played on lips 'til it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent, screaming blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world



(C) Snow Patrol 2005
I'm not a big fan of labels, especially when it comes psychiatric diagnoses. I mean, even the most healthy people will display symptoms of some "disorder" at some stage in their lives, and there's also a lot of cross-over between the different diagnoses which can make it unclear what a person actually suffers from. But I do find it interesting to read through the DSM, look up my own diagnoses, and see how many of the symptoms I actually have.


Borderline Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms.

I can honestly cay I fit every single one of those criteria, although number 9 is rare for me (I think I've only dissociated from stress once or twice in my life), and I am getting much better at controlling my anger in number 8. :)


Major Depressive Disorder (Major Depressive Episode)

A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either

(1) depressed mood

(2) loss of interest or pleasure.

Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.

(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.

(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others).

(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.

(4) Insomnia or Hypersomnia nearly every day.

(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).

(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick).

(8 ) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others).

(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide .

B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

The diagnosis for Major Depressive Disorder hinges on the critirea for a Major Depressive Episode (above), which I fit to a tee. I've experienced around several of these episodes every year since I was 12 or 13, so my actual diagnosis is "Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder" or something like that.


Substance Dependence

A maladaptive pattern of substance use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

(1) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

(a) a need for markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve Intoxication or desired effect.

(b) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the substance.

(2) Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:

(a) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for the substance (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria sets for Withdrawal from the specific substances).

(b) the same (or a closely related) substance is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.

(3) the substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.

(4) there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use.

(5) a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the substance (e.g., visiting multiple doctors or driving long distances), use the substance (e.g., chain-smoking), or recover from its effects.

(6) important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of substance use.

(7) the substance use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (e.g., current cocaine use despite recognition of cocaine-induced depression, or continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption).

Specify if:

With Physiological Dependence: evidence of tolerance or withdrawal (i.e., either Item 1 or 2 is present).

Without Physiological Dependence: no evidence of tolerance or withdrawal (i.e., neither Item 1 nor 2 is present).

My benzo and meth addictions both meet the criteria for "Substance Dependence With Physiological Dependence".

Gender Identity Disorder, which I technically have, is also listed in the DSM. But I won't bother adding that here because I don't think being transgendered is any more of a "disorder" than being gay! :\
Damn Im doing so good on my methadone program. Im about to get my 6th take home dose. Im down from 120mgs to 60mgs. But im starting to get that feeling of wanting to use again. I hate when it just creeps up on you like that. I see my Girlfriend who quit methadone at 60mgs cold turkey!!!wowzers..lol And now she is sniffing Oxys again and getting right high to the point when she is just nodding and scratching it out like crazy. Ugh..I envy that feeling. I have quit opiates CT to many times to even think about trying it again.
So I just get jelious when I see my lover all high out of her mind...blowing me off to hang out with our still using friends.

TO make everything worse now everyone smokes he Oxy 40s and 80s now. She doesnt..she has dated me to long and knows how stupid smoking oxys it. It does work but you destroy/waste to much of the drug.

I kinda want to find someone who has a carrie or 2 so I can buy at least 120mgs together and then take it with my daily 60mgs dose..plus 50mgs of diphenhydramine and 2 beers..and just get high for once. They say you cant get high off methadone when your on it. but if you drink 3x you dose with some diphen, you`ll get high. Maybe not striaght out euphoric dope induced nodding...but you`ll still get a nice mellow opiate induced bliss.
Anyone ever get so mad while playing Halo 3 that you want to fucking smash your xbox360. IF they were free I would have already smashed 10.
I want to dose 2-4 hits of average LSD (prolly 60-100ugs each hit) with 15mgs of 2c-E. Then after about 2 hours when im at my peak I want to smoke 5mgs of 5-MeO-DMT.

I hope I can handle this. I dont want to lose my mind permanently.
Day after day after day. Same shit. What shit?

BULL SHIT.

Every, fucking, day.

Whenever I try, BULLSHIT.

Bout to fucking snap.

I seem to have quite a few mental problems also.

I have extreme problems sleeping - it takes me forever to knock out. This in turn, makes me so fucking tired when I wake up that 80% of the time I say "fuck class."

I seem to suffer from depression, cuz I hate my life 90% of the fucking time.

I struggle HARDCORE with school, due to my mind racing all the time, being distracted with stupid fucking shit. It's not like my grades are LOW, but they are starting to slip, because balancing work with personal problems is becoming quite hard.

I live most of my life in isolation, due to extreme social anxiety. Which, my doctor seems to think is "quite normal" for someone my age. Bull-fucking-shit its normal. I have no real "friends" when im living at school.

I just can't take much more. If shit doesn't straighten out i'll have to get a fucking shrink. Because I am seriously one of the most fucked up people I know - mentally.

I just need help. Been trying to get that point across to my parents for about 3 fucking years. And every time I try, I encounter the same fucking problem - my father.

He seems to think, that I am PERFECT. And that nothing will EVER be wrong with me. So whenever I even bring UP my problems (which now is usually only to my mom - but she fuckin tells him anyway), he seems to think I'm looking for a "quick fix". Are you fucking joking? A QUICK FIX? MAYBE I NEED TO BE PUT ON FUCKING MEDICATION BEFORE I DOWN A WHOLE BOTTLE OF TYLENOL. MAYBE I'VE BEEN KEEPING MY FUCKED UP PROBLEMS INSIDE MY HEAD FOR SO LONG THAT NOW SHIT IS ABOUT TO HIT THE FUCKING FAN.

Fuck my life. Fuck McMaster University. Fuck what I'm planning on doing with my life, because it's not something that'll make me happy. I've gone 3 years into Uni so far, turning back is an option - but not for me. The amount of $ wasted, the amount of time wasted, the amount of effort wasted - that would fuck my head up even more.

So what do I in order to slow down my thinking? I get fucked up. I abuse the shit out of substances. Not addicted, but anything to just stop the thoughts...anything.

God I'm so fucked on the inside but from the outside I seem so average.

Life is just getting too hard..

BECAUSE THERES ALWAYS MORE FUCKING BULLSHIT ON TOP OF MORE BULLSHIT, WITH A SIDE DISH OF FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Over the summer a friend and myself each dropped one hit of mephedrone (250mg each) and went on an adventure to downtown NYC to check this place out. It was called the Black Acid Co-Op and it was fucking incredible. Sweet P definitely would have LOVED this place lol.



Black Acid Co-Op


*Note: I did not take these photos


So I think I am going to start giving you all a side some sarcasm with my photos. And if you don't like it, then you can kiss my little white ass.
It's been a long 48 hours, no sleep. I'm counting the hours until I can't count anymore.
I just wish I can stay up for until I cant stay up any longer, take my sleep medicine, and just fall into a self induced coma.
Where I can dream of peaceful things for as long as I wanted to, and not have to come back to reality unil all the bad things blow past.
I don't feel emotions anymore, why even bother?

I am enjoying these times I feel right now, my serenity has kicked in, and no matter how loud you might yell at me, it still wont pull me out of this state of mind.

The slip has begun taking their part, I'm feeling it.
Until next time we meet.
Well, it's my first blog entry here at Bluelight... so I figured I might as well start with a confession that will scare half of you and leave the other half vastly unimpressed. Tonight is my last night getting loaded before I officially kick heroin.

For the past four months, I have been playing with fire. Only in New York can one order drugs in the same manner they order Chinese food. It's expensive, of course, which is the main reason I'm broke at the moment. I'd been doing a pretty bad job budgeting money before my habit went out of control, but heroin was undoubtedly the catalyst of my financial ruin. I now live from paycheck to paycheck, just like every other financially decrepit person I know.

I never pictured myself becoming an addict. In fact, the first few times I ever used opiates (oxycodone, specifically), I got horribly ill. For many months I could only tolerate opiates in small doses, and I always had to make sure I'd eaten first. The first time I got seriously high off heroin was via intramuscular injection. That was my first real taste of what opiates could offer: a beautiful, blank slate of euphoria. The experience freaked me out so much that I forced my boyfriend (who was a much greater opiate enthusiast at the time) to throw out the remainder of our stash. I made him promise me that we wouldn't touch dope again, and we kept that promise for almost nine months.

What exactly happened that pushed me over the edge, from popping a 30mg Oxycontin for recreational purposes once every few weeks to booting 20 bags of China white every night? Even now it is hard to say. Some junkie sources state that to avoid addiction, one must never use more than two days in a row. I know at some point I adhered to that rule, and broke it at some point later. Over. And over. And over again.

I guess I'll see how I fare over the next few days. I hold down a professional job and no one (except a few very close souls) knows about my secret affliction. I really hope I learn something from this the second time around, after detoxing for one week just a little less than a month ago. I know I can get through it. What really worries me is what comes after it's finished. What do I do with the remnants of myself? Do I go back to yoga, photography, journaling, party-going, the ho-hum of everyday existence pretending it never occurred? Is that even possible? Will I actually be wiser from this in the long run, or was it all just a terrible waste of time and money?

After dumping another $160 down the drain, I didn't even get high tonight. I'm not sure I'll ever get high enough again to be satisfied. I've hit the end of the road, and I can't go down any deeper without fucking up my life in some irretractable way. I guess it's time to turn around. It feels like a very long way back.
I've began working out, and I plan to continue doing so. I'm taking supplements such as Endothil-CR, and I will add a protein shake to my breakfast before my workout. I don't plan on getting buff, but I do want strong muscle definition.

I plan to go seek a psychiatrist about my anxiety issues. I hope to be prescribed pregabalin (Lyrica)/possibly gabapentin and a benzo (preferably clonazepam because it is the only benzo where I don't experience a paradoxical reaction). I plan on taking the Lyrica on the weekdays to manage my anxiety throughout the school days, and I plan to take the benzos on the weekends (including Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) where I have a high level of social activity.

I am planning to take these two medications for a month or two as I go to support/therapy sessions in order for myself to open up. Otherwise, if I weren't to take these, I would not open up; therefore, I will not get anything accomplished. As my anxiety disorder improves, I plan to taper off of the Lyrica and Benzos while still attending the support/therapy sessions. I will continue going to these sessions and eventually only take the benzos as a sort of emergency plan.

I believe that with the combination of the aforementioned and the excercise will reduce the amount of stress that I encounter in daily life. I also plan on taking more yoga classes.

Sometime in June, I plan on taking a road trip to Los Angeles to go to the Electric Daisy Carnival. I plan to go with at least Jessuh, and possibly Loren and Ana. We will stay at Denver for a night and than continue our way to L.A. Once I get to L.A., I plan to stay for several days.

In order to have enough money for the expenses, I plan to save up any extra money, along with my christmas and birthday money. I plan not to roll until the days of EDC so that I will roll as hard as possible.


I will update this as more goals come, and as the aforementioned goals are completed.
I was going to write a pt. 2 but now I just don't want to LOL

Fuck, I do need my sleep tonight. LOL.
Laying in your arms sleeping against your chest, naked skin on skin, my leg lazily over yours both of us in a not quite sleep state, but inbetween awake and sleep.

Suddenly feeling the hard-on against my thigh. Me reaching down letting my finger tips ever so lightly touch it. Moving futher down and giving your balls a nice little rub.

You know what comes next baby cause you know how I love being a sadistic bitch, and how much you enjoy it.

Pleasure, Pain, losing control, giving up control (?) the calmness of your face as I watch you enjoy yourself. Your eyes, fuck, the look of them when you're enjoying yourself.

You wanted to know my fantasy..? I was so lost in your pleasure I came up blank.

My fantasy is that you would just rip my arms away from what I was doing, flip me over, and fuck me good. Both, if you know what I mean. Make it so I walk funny the next day, make it so I can't walk strait, stand strait, hell make me walk like a staggering drunk from being fucked so hard and good.

Once I have cum all over your dick, your fingers, your bed.

Switch, I am now the sadistic bitch again. Making you do the dirty things you love to do. Letting you enjoy a little pain, and maybe taking it a little easy this time......or not.

Shit, is the sun up already? Yes it is.

Sweaty, worn out, smile on our faces from pain and enjoyment. Falling asleep this time, naked, worn out, and happy(?).

Fucking, Sex, whatever..... figure that out later.

The moonlight hour is time for letting go for enjoyment and pleasurepain. No time for thoughts, just actions.

Dirty words/ talk turn me on. So does your smile. Pathetic I know, but hey, whatevs. fun times.

sllllllipery when wet. haha.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Up last night, any wonder why I couldn't sleep? LOL

Your scent surrounding me, on my shirt, on my hands, all over my body.

I was wearing no panties when we spoke, how could I when every time i try and sleep that's what comes up. Laying on my livingroom floor in my nightshirt, staring at my screen reading ghey ass shit online and wondering why I was watching cartoons, while also fading out and becoming wet all over again....LOL

I think i need to invest in my own washer & dryer, or never sleep in undies again LOL
---------------------------------------------------------------
pt. 2 coming up next.....
HA! so i went to the city yesterday.... Had some brunch with my drag queen...which turned into wayyyyyy too many drinks and a night to remember...haha...
So we all leave the bar my friend works in and we decide to walk 24 blocks to some soap store one of the girls wanted to go to... well, my friend in drag...ryan...is WASTED haha, he's verbally accosting children, old women, etc. He's stumbling all over the horribly crowded streets of nyc and ended up walking straight in a trash can, toppling it over and recieving a few 'choice' words from the people around him. So about 4 blocks into our walk we reach penn station and I make an executive decision to bring ryan home and let our friends continue their trek. so..we say our goodbyes and split up...
Now its just me and a severely intoxicated drag queen...not gonna lie, i was pretty buzzed...maybe a combo of suboxone and too much alcohol? i dunno..but it was funnier than it should have been...and i didnt give a fuck.
So we finally make it to the subway and im trying to get him to think clearly enough to tell me where we have to get off...ive never been to his new apartment... so we're on the train, im taking pictures of him because he keeps fucking posing...
after a 15 min layover (due to new subway regulations they sometimes stop the trains and search bags) he settled down and sat down. I was looking for our stop when suddenly he gets up and walks to the doors of the subway, i was like no no no this isnt our stop and he swore it was so we were gonna get off..well, He decided to stand in the doorframe and let the doors continuously slam on him then finally steps off...just as i was about to put my foot out the door, they slam in my face and the subway takes off...with me still fucking on it!!
In loving memory of Terence Mckenna.


October 30, 2009

“Say what you mean and mean what you say.” - Chesire Cat (Alice in the Wonderland)

Language plays a vital role in constructing our perceptions of reality and the structure of the world we live in. The perfect combination of words can trigger a picture in the mind’s eye; we are ultimately trying to get the listener to see what we mean. And impeccable language has the power of forming a visualization of the message that the communicator is attempting to illustrate. That is the goal each time we try to communicate a notion or description. We plant words in the listener’s mind in order for the words to develop and flourish into a full-blown illustrative hallucination. When this is accomplished, people truly see what we mean. This is precisely why language is so essential in constructing our understanding of reality.

Because of the subjective-centric nature of reality, it is imperative to be able to truly understand people’s subjective perspectives. It is often apparent that we cannot confide in a listener’s ability to register a stream of communication; instead, it should be the responsibility of the communicator to be sure that they are thoroughly understood. Relying on people’s listening skills seems to be an apathetic approach of attempting to convey your message. Your subjective perspective matters and it is YOUR responsibility to have your perspective both, understood and respected.

My contention is that we should not rely on people’s lucid listening, because by doing so we are simply handing away the fate of our word. By developing a crisp form of communication however, we can cultivate a greater sense of control over the ultimate portrayal of our message. You can vividly express yourself using colorful language, or you can monotonously express yourself in tones of grey. It is your choice. It is your freedom of expression, but keep in mind that we are the masters of the fate of our word.

That's why it is so important to communicate, for all of us to put our best foot forward, to put our best metaphors on the table. Because we can move no faster than the evolution of our language. And this is certainly part of what the psychedelics are about: they force the evolution of language. And no culture, as far as I am aware, has ever consciously tried to evolve its language with the awareness that evolving language was evolving reality.
-Terence McKenna


What we are essentially doing is creating and building worlds of words; worlds of language. And it is the people who truly familiarize themselves with the powerful potential of lexis and language that are truly successful at projecting their particular outlook; in other words, they are “understood.”

As the late Terence Mckenna referred to in the quote above, evolving language is evolving reality. Each word we use is a choice, and it is the unique combination and choice of our words that determine the fate and eventual impact of our message. And it is crucial to note that the evolution of language begins with the use or disuse of a single word; as the ensuing example perfectly portrays.

I recently read Steinbeck’s East of Eden. In my opinion it provides us with what is possibly the ultimate example of how powerful a single word can be. The example lies towards the end of chapter 24; which, to me, is the most meaningful chapter of the novel. As the characters sip their porcelain cups of wormwood filled ng-ka-py (a drink similar to absinthe), the Chinese servant, Lee, begins to deconstruct the biblical story of Cain and Abel in a most exacting and fascinating fashion. Lee goes on to say:


The King James version says this—it is when Jehovah has asked Cain why he is angry. Jehova says, ‘If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and THOU SHALT rule over him.’ It was the ‘thou shalt’ that struck me, because it was a promise that Cain would conquer sin.

Then I got a copy of the American Standard Bible. It was very new then. And it was different in this passage. It says, ‘DO THOU rule over him.’ Now this is very different. This is not a promise, it is an order. And I began to stew about it. I wondered what the original word of the original writer had been that these very different translations can be made.



We then find out Lee spent about two years studying and learning Hebrew in order to expose his mind to an unfiltered interpretation of what the “original word of the original writer had been.” After two years of dedicating himself to the Hebrew language, he decided to finally reread the Cain and Abel story in its original language—Hebrew. I can’t stress to you the importance of his truth-filled realization. It goes:

Don’t you see? The American Standard translation ORDERS men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in “Thou Shalt,” meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—Though mayest—that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’ Don’t you see?

There you go. The word timshel means “thou mayest.” The mistranslation of the word timshel to mean “thou shalt” in certain bibles had the power to program literal biblical interpreters into believing that God was ORDERING Cain; the word of God gave Caine no choice, his fate was doomed because disobeying God is simply an obnoxious blasphemous obscenity. Caine appeared to have no choice because of the simple mistranslation of one word; when in fact, the original Genesis 4:16 empowers Caine with free-will. It empowers Caine with a choice. The simple shift of words can manifest a new set of rules, a new reality for the literal interpreters of the Bible. “Thou shalt” and “thou mayest” is the difference of one word, but the difference in these words are the difference between worlds. So timshel, people! TIMSHEL!

But what happens when we fall into the land of the ineffable? When you’re point does not radiate? When language fails to exude the essence of your message? Language provides us with tools in order to attempt to link the effable with the ineffable. This is what is meant by pushing the boundaries of language; to further expand and connect the linguistic infrastructures of our infinite realms. This is why we need to take into consideration the fact that certain subjective experiences cannot be expressed using ordinary language. This is the precise reason as to why I am completely fascinated by the potential power of what the metaphor has to offer us and what the metaphor is really all about.

Again, as the late Terence Mckenna alluded to, we are collectively evolving at the rate of the evolution of our language and ideas. That’s why metaphors are so important to the evolution of notions and language. Metaphors allow for the unification of the material and the abstract. By linking together the material and immaterial, a linguistic type of node is created in order to invisibly reinforce the connectedness of the separate realities. It seems as if metaphors are a tool that language provides us with in order to link the previously unlinked.

As more people realize the importance of their subjective realities, more metaphors will splurge into existence in order to further propel the evolution of a more sophisticated relationship between the ‘multichotomous’ worlds that we live in.

In Kathleen Norris’s book, The Cloister Walk, the Gregorian mystic accurately manages to verbally illustrate the power of metaphors:

Metaphor drawn on images from the natural world, from our senses, and from the world of human social structures, and yokes them to psychological and spiritual realities in such a way that we’re often left gasping; we have no way to fully explain a metaphor’s power, it simply is.

The reason this realization is so important is because it is connected to a fundamental, “zoomed-out” truth. Norris points out earlier in the same chapter, “You build a world in what you say, words, as I speak them or write them, make a path on which I walk; language is a living thing.” I am certainly a believer in the power of words because I recognize that the essence of reality is made up of information. Information is always all around us (electrical, cellular, molecular, sensory, etc.) and language is exactly that, information.

Pushing the boundaries of verbal illustration plays a critical part in the evolution of language, and therefore the simultaneous and symmetrical evolution of reality. And that’s part of what the ZOOMDOUT Trip is about, to encourage a new-found awareness for language:

For all of us to put our best foot forward, to put our best metaphors on the table. Because we can move no faster than the evolution of our language. And this is certainly part of what the psychedelics are about: they force the evolution of language. And no culture, as far as I am aware, has ever consciously tried to evolve its language with the awareness that evolving language was evolving reality.

Until now… 0_0

http://zoomdout.com/
In loving memory of Terence Mckenna.


October 30, 2009

“Say what you mean and mean what you say.” - Chesire Cat (Alice in the Wonderland)

Language plays a vital role in constructing our perceptions of reality and the structure of the world we live in. The perfect combination of words can trigger a picture in the mind’s eye; we are ultimately trying to get the listener to see what we mean. And impeccable language has the power of forming a visualization of the message that the communicator is attempting to illustrate. That is the goal each time we try to communicate a notion or description. We plant words in the listener’s mind in order for the words to develop and flourish into a full-blown illustrative hallucination. When this is accomplished, people truly see what we mean. This is precisely why language is so essential in constructing our understanding of reality.

Because of the subjective-centric nature of reality, it is imperative to be able to truly understand people’s subjective perspectives. It is often apparent that we cannot confide in a listener’s ability to register a stream of communication; instead, it should be the responsibility of the communicator to be sure that they are thoroughly understood. Relying on people’s listening skills seems to be an apathetic approach of attempting to convey your message. Your subjective perspective matters and it is YOUR responsibility to have your perspective both, understood and respected.

My contention is that we should not rely on people’s lucid listening, because by doing so we are simply handing away the fate of our word. By developing a crisp form of communication however, we can cultivate a greater sense of control over the ultimate portrayal of our message. You can vividly express yourself using colorful language, or you can monotonously express yourself in tones of grey. It is your choice. It is your freedom of expression, but keep in mind that we are the masters of the fate of our word.

That's why it is so important to communicate, for all of us to put our best foot forward, to put our best metaphors on the table. Because we can move no faster than the evolution of our language. And this is certainly part of what the psychedelics are about: they force the evolution of language. And no culture, as far as I am aware, has ever consciously tried to evolve its language with the awareness that evolving language was evolving reality.
-Terence McKenna


What we are essentially doing is creating and building worlds of words; worlds of language. And it is the people who truly familiarize themselves with the powerful potential of lexis and language that are truly successful at projecting their particular outlook; in other words, they are “understood.”

As the late Terence Mckenna referred to in the quote above, evolving language is evolving reality. Each word we use is a choice, and it is the unique combination and choice of our words that determine the fate and eventual impact of our message. And it is crucial to note that the evolution of language begins with the use or disuse of a single word; as the ensuing example perfectly portrays.

I recently read Steinbeck’s East of Eden. In my opinion it provides us with what is possibly the ultimate example of how powerful a single word can be. The example lies towards the end of chapter 24; which, to me, is the most meaningful chapter of the novel. As the characters sip their porcelain cups of wormwood filled ng-ka-py (a drink similar to absinthe), the Chinese servant, Lee, begins to deconstruct the biblical story of Cain and Abel in a most exacting and fascinating fashion. Lee goes on to say:


The King James version says this—it is when Jehovah has asked Cain why he is angry. Jehova says, ‘If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and THOU SHALT rule over him.’ It was the ‘thou shalt’ that struck me, because it was a promise that Cain would conquer sin.

Then I got a copy of the American Standard Bible. It was very new then. And it was different in this passage. It says, ‘DO THOU rule over him.’ Now this is very different. This is not a promise, it is an order. And I began to stew about it. I wondered what the original word of the original writer had been that these very different translations can be made.



We then find out Lee spent about two years studying and learning Hebrew in order to expose his mind to an unfiltered interpretation of what the “original word of the original writer had been.” After two years of dedicating himself to the Hebrew language, he decided to finally reread the Cain and Abel story in its original language—Hebrew. I can’t stress to you the importance of his truth-filled realization. It goes:

Don’t you see? The American Standard translation ORDERS men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in “Thou Shalt,” meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—Though mayest—that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’ Don’t you see?

There you go. The word timshel means “thou mayest.” The mistranslation of the word timshel to mean “thou shalt” in certain bibles had the power to program literal biblical interpreters into believing that God was ORDERING Cain; the word of God gave Caine no choice, his fate was doomed because disobeying God is simply an obnoxious blasphemous obscenity. Caine appeared to have no choice because of the simple mistranslation of one word; when in fact, the original Genesis 4:16 empowers Caine with free-will. It empowers Caine with a choice. The simple shift of words can manifest a new set of rules, a new reality for the literal interpreters of the Bible. “Thou shalt” and “thou mayest” is the difference of one word, but the difference in these words are the difference between worlds. So timshel, people! TIMSHEL!

But what happens when we fall into the land of the ineffable? When you’re point does not radiate? When language fails to exude the essence of your message? Language provides us with tools in order to attempt to link the effable with the ineffable. This is what is meant by pushing the boundaries of language; to further expand and connect the linguistic infrastructures of our infinite realms. This is why we need to take into consideration the fact that certain subjective experiences cannot be expressed using ordinary language. This is the precise reason as to why I am completely fascinated by the potential power of what the metaphor has to offer us and what the metaphor is really all about.

Again, as the late Terence Mckenna alluded to, we are collectively evolving at the rate of the evolution of our language and ideas. That’s why metaphors are so important to the evolution of notions and language. Metaphors allow for the unification of the material and the abstract. By linking together the material and immaterial, a linguistic type of node is created in order to invisibly reinforce the connectedness of the separate realities. It seems as if metaphors are a tool that language provides us with in order to link the previously unlinked.

As more people realize the importance of their subjective realities, more metaphors will splurge into existence in order to further propel the evolution of a more sophisticated relationship between the ‘multichotomous’ worlds that we live in.

In Kathleen Norris’s book, The Cloister Walk, the Gregorian mystic accurately manages to verbally illustrate the power of metaphors:

Metaphor drawn on images from the natural world, from our senses, and from the world of human social structures, and yokes them to psychological and spiritual realities in such a way that we’re often left gasping; we have no way to fully explain a metaphor’s power, it simply is.

The reason this realization is so important is because it is connected to a fundamental, “zoomed-out” truth. Norris points out earlier in the same chapter, “You build a world in what you say, words, as I speak them or write them, make a path on which I walk; language is a living thing.” I am certainly a believer in the power of words because I recognize that the essence of reality is made up of information. Information is always all around us (electrical, cellular, molecular, sensory, etc.) and language is exactly that, information.

Pushing the boundaries of verbal illustration plays a critical part in the evolution of language, and therefore the simultaneous and symmetrical evolution of reality. And that’s part of what the ZOOMDOUT Trip is about, to encourage a new-found awareness for language:

For all of us to put our best foot forward, to put our best metaphors on the table. Because we can move no faster than the evolution of our language. And this is certainly part of what the psychedelics are about: they force the evolution of language. And no culture, as far as I am aware, has ever consciously tried to evolve its language with the awareness that evolving language was evolving reality.

Until now… 0_0
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