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So it's begun, somehow I am going to have to fork out this week with no food, again. I'm running low on oatmeal rations, and I have plenty of protein mix (chocolate and vanilla). I have vitamins so I will remain some-what healthy.
I have about 10 oatmeal packets left. 4 brown-sugar and maple, 1 cinna-bon, and 5 plain/orgnial flavors.
Shit fucking sucks, It's all I got.
It's like in the Matrix, when they eat that oatmeal shit in the first one, thats exactly what my life is like.
I'm not sure how much longer I can take of this, I'm nearing the cracking stage. (If I havn't cracked already).
Not going home for T-Day, and not for C-Day either. In matter affect I have a Court date on 12/30, So I'm counting down the days.
Don't know to much of anything anymore, don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
Thats all for now.

bored, ishould check out my old LJ account and see if anything new is going on there.

CL checked with a couple laughs but overall faggotry...

blah, boring day.

Crack Cocaine
(Amount Unknown)

80mgs of powdered heroin

Heroin: Destroying lives since 1874.

Ugh shitty days, had to work and then I find out there's h around. Too bad I have no money. Now I have to find money to buy it and then hopefully od to end my shitty feelings. Peace cruel world

started out great.... :D

some people *cough* ex's *cough* need to get hurt.

Bah, now my fucking throat hurts.

Gonna let a hot bath sooth my tense muscles.


hmnnn.... getting lost in thought is fun sometimes haha.

Shit, I need sleep. Only had.....hmmnnn......what....2-3hrs sleep in 24hrs.

Bubbles....da bubbles.....da bubbles are calling.

Hmnnn, company would be fun, but bubbles and a good soak will have to do.

Fuck every thing on my body aches. Sleep vs. Bubbles.....

now im just rambling.... haha.

boredom is very farty.

Yeah, one thing that I absolutely HATE, I mean completely despise is when people ask me for cigarettes. No, it isn't because I'm cheap. I can honestly say that I tend to be quite giving. I have narrowed my hatred of this act down to five valid reasons:

1. If you could afford your drug habit back then and no longer do those drugs how is it possible to not afford a $6 a day nicotine habit?

2. Bumming cigarettes to people reminds me of rehab. I HATED rehab

3. It gives me the impression that you are treating me like your bitch, mistaking my kindness for weakness. I fear I may act out and show how unweak I am

4. The people who bum from me all have some sort of income in the form of a paycheck or government assistance (I have neither)

5. It forces me to face the fact that I am unable to quit smoking. I HATE being a smoker myself.

I still have a neighbor who knocks on my door, calls me on the phone or, get this... WATCHES OUT HER WINDOW waiting for me to pull in in order to ask for a cigarette.

I mean, c'mon now. Its not like I have magical, super-flavorful cigarettes. They're fucking Marlboro Mediums bought at the same stores everyone else buys from.

I guess I am a bitch. I rarely say 'no' anymore.

My newest goal is to simply deny ALL requests for smokes. If I offer, that's different, but I'm done with the handouts.

So I keep walking. Sometimes confident, sometimes quite uncertain but I need to continue on no matter what.

I walk with many. Some were right next to me but somehow I can no longer see them on this path. Are they still on it? Some are but many chose the comfort of familiar terrain. Terrain that has many more stones and barbed branches that rip and tear.

As I walk I trip and stumble often but I have yet to fall. As I mentioned, I walk with many. As I start to slip, I am prevented from falling by my companions.

There are those who don't walk the same path as me but encourage and support me in my decision to keep on keeping on. I cry out often and those far from my particular path hear me. They shout that I MUST go on. They plead to me and remind me that I am doing well and I am doing what is necessary. They tell me that they are proud of me and I believe them.

I have never met many of these but I value them greatly. They sense my struggles and offer me their strength. They believe in me when I don't believe in myself.

These people who aren't on this path I walk support me more than those that walk with me.

I can now swagger a little, confident that I am loved. Voices from far away have helped me more than the the whispered slogans that are right next to my ear.

Sometimes I struggle to see the point in getting clean. Beneath their addictions, a lot of drug addicts are fairly normal people - once they stop using they are able to slowly get their lives back on track, and become happy productive members of society.

It's not so easy for me. Even without drugs, I'll still be a physically and mentally ill transsexual girl with no work experience, no fancy qualifications, and little money to my name. I'll probably be unemployed, and unemployable, for the rest of my life.

My future doesn't look very promising at all. It sounds pessimistic, but I think it's realistic. I honestly don't know what to do. Without drugs, what is there for me? I've been searching for some purpose, or some direction to my life, and still I haven't found it. I have a girlfriend who I love dearly and want to spend my life with... but I don't seem to have much of a life, really.

you know when you meet a person in your life and they just create this astounding energy around everything well i had the pleasure of being introducde to someone like that through my friend
shes basically changed my life .... there is noone that i no that makes me feel so comfortable but so nervous at the same time ..

i honestly dont know what i would do without her now ......

I blacked out due to alot of temzapam and now my boyfriend calls my a 'black out squirrel' and thinks I cheated on him. He thinks this because I have hickies but they were there before and caused by him! He doesn't believe this though and now claims that he gets to black out and do something 'squirrelly'
I didn't plan on blackin out and Ive said I was sorry numerous times. I was with a girlfriend when I was blacked out and she said I didn't hit or do anything with anyone and that I was just runnin into shit. She also said I was crying cause I couldn't find my boyfriend(who was passed out from the benzos at our apartment). What do I do? Its making me feel really depressed that he cant trust me(I mean I know I was blacked out but I love this kid and I would never cheat or risk our relationship).

Last week I made a written request to see my file at the local mental health service. I'm no longer seeing any specialists there, so my file is closed, but I'm still curious to know what the hell they've been writing about me over all those years! I get the feeling that one or two of my psychologists had made some pretty negative remarks, cos my GP once showed me a letter that my psychologist wrote to him, mentioning I was "resistant to treatment" and "unwilling to utilise the skills learned in DBT". I wasn't unwilling at all - I just struggled to put the theory into practice. I tried my best.

I ended up leaving the mental health service after getting some pretty shitty treatment by a psychiatrist. He was reluctant to see me at all, and when I did finally get an appointment to see him, I could tell that he didn't like me one bit. At the end of the appointment he even told me not to make any further appointments with him, and to just get my meds from my GP instead. What an asshole! I'm wondering if the notes in my file may have given him a bad impression of me. I'm sure most psychiatrists wouldn't be keen to treat a person diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and drug dependence. Not to mention one who's "resistant to treatment!"

My mum, who's a nurse, warned me that there could be things in my file that I don't like. But honestly, that's kinda what I'm already expecting...

While I was in Auckland yesterday I bought myself a new meth pipe (sold as an "aromatherapy pipe") from one of those little New Agey shops. Meth pipes are illegal, but this shop (which will remain nameless!) seems to be one of the few that still sells them under the counter. Anywho, I'm really pleased with it. It has an average length with a decent sized bowl, and it looks a lot more sturdy than my previous pipe, "Twiggy", who's life recently came to a sudden end.

I haven't yet had a chance to christen the new pipe, as I'm trying to cut down my usage and not score any more meth for a couple of weeks. But I think I'll name it "Mike", after New Zealand's self-proclaimed methamphetamine expert, Mike Sabin, who seems to be making a good income through his anti-drug lectures, workshops, and tirade of silly propaganda. I think it's only fitting. :D

This is a 'sort-of' poem, obviously coming from the mind of a fictional person who's getting deeper into the scene I got involved in.

It's a new style of poem for me, in that it's written all in speech (some coming from the meth user's head - some from their mouth) and I wasn't on anything at the time as I'm doing a little detox (going 3 days without using any P at all) so I'm not confident enough to stick it in 'Words', yet again!

THE METHAMPHETAMINE ADDICT - a downward spiral
'Just today I'll have a puff'
'Okay, just one more hit - I'll give up tomorrow'
'I promise I'll give up this stuff'
'Why can't I stop? It's bringing me sorrow'

'Shit, why can't I fucking stop?'
'It's not so bad - it's only a gram'
'Is there someone watching me? A cop?'
'I don't care now, don't give a damn'

'Why am I so itchy? What's that on my skin?'
'I love that crackling sound when it burns!'
'Come on mate, have a try - just one little spin'
'Hey give the pipe here - it's my fucking turn'

'Smokings not working now - I might try the rig'
'God, look at how skinny I am - I'm a fool'
'It's only a little bit, meth aint that big'
'My mates all use it - they seem to be cool'

'Is it the needle that makes my veins look all red?'
'It's not like I'm on heroin, Mum - please don't cry'
'Am I addicted? Fuck I wish I was dead'
'I only feel good now for five minutes when I'm high!'

'If I give you a fuck will you give me some P?'
'I need more - I'd better learn how to cook'
'Holy fuck I have cash again - this life is for me!'
'Wait there's someone at the door - better go have a look...'

'No sir - the chemistry set isn't mine'
'Mum why are you crying? Please dry those tears!'
'Okay I cook P - tell me sir, what's my fine?'
'Hang on - did you say jail? Why? For how many years?.....'

Tell me what you think! Bit different to my usual style but it could hit hard...

Got to type some fairly meaningless drivel every now and then eh!

I'm fried....well I feel like I've come down now but if you're a P user you'll know the way it is with methamphetamine - you don't always really notice you're on it unless you think about it hard...

When I think about it hard yes I suppose I am still a little...'tweaky'!

Keira came over today - I'd been looking forward to this for a few reasons:
-I'm in luv with Keira (noooo lol 8))
-I knew I was gonna get some
-I was allowing myself to hav my first smoke of meth...with Keira.

It was as good as I'd imagined.
Maybe even better.

We got straight down to business - smoked a bit of decent crack and started (between mindless chatter) to feel each other up, then we made love...

Making love is so different to sex! I'm used to sex...but with someone I love it's different - I know everything she likes and I want to please her and vice versa.
Also her caress felt so much softer and so much more like 'love' rather than being 'fucked'.

After that, we had a good walk (well after a snuggle ) to really get the endorphins flowing.

Endorphins AND dopamine....
fuck I'd say I'm a lucky girl today!

Another poem I wrote while under the influence. This time it was weed though (cannabis is also good for creativity IME) - Keira was there when I wrote it and I assured her I mean every bit...and I DO!

LOVE IS THE DRUG
She's the first love of my life
Emotions cut me like a knife
When I see Keira at the door
Nothing matters anymore

When I'm with her I feel whole
Without her I can lose control
I wish that we could live together
I hope this love will last forever

All the others just wanted drugs
Keira's actually in love!
She tells me I'm worth more than shit
And I believe her - she is it!

Love is like the best of drugs
You don't come down when high on love
How was I to ever know?
Have I had love before? Well...no

Keira is my everything
I love to wrap her in my wing
I love to feel her warm embrace
To see the smile on her face

When I met her that was it
I knew I'd need her....she's my hit!
And now I have her I rejoice
I've finally found my 'drug of choice'!

Okay I have experienced love before, but it was with a guy and
-I prefer girls by far
-Taylor (my first and only - other than Keira - romance) was a relationship where we loved each other but the relationship was still centred on drugs cos we were both addicts; him to opiates, me to meth (he died of a heroin OD, in my arms, then I stupidly started shooting H that night...)....Keira and I are both meth addicts but we are working on getting our use down together and so far we're being pretty successful, and our relationship is built on SO MUCH ELSE!!!

I haven't put this in 'Words' cos its's too personal - I don't want anyone dissing it for being too 'soppy' or anything. This poem means a lot to me cos it's been the best way I've been able to express how much I genuinely love Keira...though there really are no words to really express that feeling! (love is confusing....but amazing!)

Currently chain smoking my second cigarette...
Just got back from my suboxone doctor...I made an 'emergency' appointment because I MIGHT be going into the city on sunday, my appointment was on monday to get the rest of my script and I didn't want to miss it due to my 'vacay.' haha, this is quite funny to me because I got that same sense of urgency you get when you know you're running low on your shit and you don't want to get sick... But, at least I'm chasing sobriety and not my next fix... just that feeling was so...strange? I'm not sure that's the word I want to use....
So, what's on my mind...................
A whole lotta nothing...the dog across the street won't shut the fuck up...I wonder if they'd mind if I slipped him a chocolate bar...ha, that'd shut him up...lol...murder by chocolate...

I went to an NA meeting last night... it was actually pretty heavy... some people walked out because of the lack of respect that was very present at that particular meeting. Most of the people were my age but some acted like they were in fucking highschool. Laughing and talking the entire time people were sharing...and some motherfuckers get deep...and they come to these things for support and you get asshole regulars who think they own the place just using it as a social gathering talking and making jokes...it wasn't right. I didn't share... I'm quite self-concious so to stand up in a room full of strangers and tell them ANYTHING about me seems like quite a feat. I'm not sure I'll be returning to friday nights in Bohemia...not my scene...
So all plans to go into the city are squashed...maybe... i need to call my friend to see if he's really into hanging out... on drugs I'd be there in a heart beat but i'm getting a real feeling of social anxiety and im actually nervous to call someone ive known since I was 12, someone who invited me to spend the day with him... Weird? I think so

It's been a rather few fucked up weeks for sure. First i caught the worst flu ive had in years, then i ran out of morphine, then ran out of dilaudid and i still have some lingering aspects of the fucking flu . So between being sick from the flu and being dopesick i have not been a happy camper.

I am also tapering off my mood stabilizer in order to go on another one that is much cheaper. I am only doing this because i won't have insurance for awile when i move in the new year and there is simply no way i can afford the $70 a month for lamotrigine. Especially since i also take abunch of other meds for pain and to keep me from being a insane manic depressive mess. Tapering off the mood stabilizer is making me irritable and short tempered i think. Either that or it's just because it is now winter and i fucking hate winter.

Ive also noticed a increase in paranoia coming off lamotrigine and this is abit scary. It is one of the most unnerving aspects of having to deal with bipolar disorder or atleast the type i have. I think people are talking about me when they clearly arent and shit like that. I know all of this is fake though and is just my fucked up head messing with me.

I got my morphine script filled finally so atleast im set for that now. Good thing too as i actually needed it due to the fact that my nerve pain decided to flare right up. I spent 2 days in fucking agony with nothing but tramadol which of course did nothing at all. I really have to make a effort to not abuse my morphine script anymore as i actually do need this shit and as much as i like the high i hate the withdrawals worse. Not that the thought of suffering through withdrawals ever really stops anyone from abusing opiates . Being high on opiates does make my life more bearable atleast somewhat.

The fact that im stuck here until the middle of january or longer does not lift my spirits because it seems like a lifetime away even though it's not very long at all. I can't fucking wait to get out of here and leave this place behind me and the memories of it to. To say im going stir crazy would be a major understatement. Nothing to do but try and keep high all day which may sound fun but in reality sucks. It's not for fun it's simply a futile effort to blot out the shit in my life.

Enough whining for now me thinks .

waiting to feel shittier just so when I take my suboxone I actually feel sorta good.

I just can't get full hold on this drug thing... it's like I start to stabilize and then I get bored, and want to get high again. what the fuck mang?

still no ride, that check I was talking about came and went months ago... 7,700 spent in about three weeks. bah. I was working for awhile though, but some crazy shit happened that I've spoke about on BL but am not going into again, and because of that I got fired, then I got a good job, perfect hours, doing what I wanted, and they fired me/layed me off cause I wasn't fast enough and they were really slow.

shit life sucks sometimes.... I tell you what though by the time I'm done being a piece of junkie scum I'll be able to will myself through anything just from experience doing it over and over again....

well I suppose I'll go take my suboxone now.... it's the only thing I look forward to usually....
peace out guise.


-dP

She said she'd have one small hit
She thought that would be it
She didn't wanna get involved in this shit
She wanted a good life without being sick

But time has passed and things have changed
This girl's let herself become totally hooked
Staring in the mirror, she hates what she's became
Feels great on the inside, but that ain't how she looks!

She says she can give up whenever she likes
She wants just one more hit from the glass pipe
She's fried as fuck and gonna stay up all night
She's always on edge, looking for a fight

How the hell did the girl get this way?
The amounts she's using, she'll never be clean
Her life's a mess and she's got nowhere to stay
Just another methamphetamine feen

Weak, hungry, needy, craving, sleepless, shaky, suicidal, empty, lost, disappointed, selfish, destructive, untrustworthy, unemployable, controlled, dead inside, alone.

I don't want to feel like that again.

An intense rush would be pleasurable but after its all gone this is how I'll feel.

Not worth it. Totally not worth it.

Metcap can suck donkey balls those mofos!

HAHA! someone is gonna lose their job...ne ner ne ner ne ner.

Youz don't fuck wit me bitchas!

Fuck I hate 'em.

I don't want this to sound as though I am complaining - I have little to complain about and much work ahead.

Started the (take-home, open book) final in our makeup session. I am so glad I didn't have to attend that section regularly. There was one big, burly man who dominated EVERYTHING and you could tell it was pissing off the instructor.

Anyways, I've just gotta turn in something halfway decent and that's it.

I have my meeting today at 3 for that long-shot job. Since the car STILL is not working and no one is standing in line to give me a ride, thankfully we have the train and www.zipcar.com (the place is 15 minutes from my house but the bus doesn't run that far up into the hills). I have no expectations but to do well. I would be the first newbie (who hasn't even passed my test yet) she's ever hired and she's not looking at anyone else at present.

I've gotten a demo copy of the software she uses and hope I do OK on it, so far so good. The office is scent-free, so I'll be showering right before with good old Ivory soap like I was decontaminating myself from nuclear waste and then slathering my dry skin with Lubriderm. I am re-washing even my coat in some biodegradable stuff.

Wish me luck PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - these two variables will not kill me if neither or just one comes to pass. I interview well and do have a bit of a knack for beginners' luck. I cannot bomb at this stage of the game. A bit of creative visualization while I prepare should remind me to keep focused, not get overly nervous (Xanax for that) and nail this shit.