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Anyone ever get so mad while playing Halo 3 that you want to fucking smash your xbox360. IF they were free I would have already smashed 10.
I want to dose 2-4 hits of average LSD (prolly 60-100ugs each hit) with 15mgs of 2c-E. Then after about 2 hours when im at my peak I want to smoke 5mgs of 5-MeO-DMT.

I hope I can handle this. I dont want to lose my mind permanently.
Day after day after day. Same shit. What shit?

BULL SHIT.

Every, fucking, day.

Whenever I try, BULLSHIT.

Bout to fucking snap.

I seem to have quite a few mental problems also.

I have extreme problems sleeping - it takes me forever to knock out. This in turn, makes me so fucking tired when I wake up that 80% of the time I say "fuck class."

I seem to suffer from depression, cuz I hate my life 90% of the fucking time.

I struggle HARDCORE with school, due to my mind racing all the time, being distracted with stupid fucking shit. It's not like my grades are LOW, but they are starting to slip, because balancing work with personal problems is becoming quite hard.

I live most of my life in isolation, due to extreme social anxiety. Which, my doctor seems to think is "quite normal" for someone my age. Bull-fucking-shit its normal. I have no real "friends" when im living at school.

I just can't take much more. If shit doesn't straighten out i'll have to get a fucking shrink. Because I am seriously one of the most fucked up people I know - mentally.

I just need help. Been trying to get that point across to my parents for about 3 fucking years. And every time I try, I encounter the same fucking problem - my father.

He seems to think, that I am PERFECT. And that nothing will EVER be wrong with me. So whenever I even bring UP my problems (which now is usually only to my mom - but she fuckin tells him anyway), he seems to think I'm looking for a "quick fix". Are you fucking joking? A QUICK FIX? MAYBE I NEED TO BE PUT ON FUCKING MEDICATION BEFORE I DOWN A WHOLE BOTTLE OF TYLENOL. MAYBE I'VE BEEN KEEPING MY FUCKED UP PROBLEMS INSIDE MY HEAD FOR SO LONG THAT NOW SHIT IS ABOUT TO HIT THE FUCKING FAN.

Fuck my life. Fuck McMaster University. Fuck what I'm planning on doing with my life, because it's not something that'll make me happy. I've gone 3 years into Uni so far, turning back is an option - but not for me. The amount of $ wasted, the amount of time wasted, the amount of effort wasted - that would fuck my head up even more.

So what do I in order to slow down my thinking? I get fucked up. I abuse the shit out of substances. Not addicted, but anything to just stop the thoughts...anything.

God I'm so fucked on the inside but from the outside I seem so average.

Life is just getting too hard..

BECAUSE THERES ALWAYS MORE FUCKING BULLSHIT ON TOP OF MORE BULLSHIT, WITH A SIDE DISH OF FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Over the summer a friend and myself each dropped one hit of mephedrone (250mg each) and went on an adventure to downtown NYC to check this place out. It was called the Black Acid Co-Op and it was fucking incredible. Sweet P definitely would have LOVED this place lol.



Black Acid Co-Op


*Note: I did not take these photos


So I think I am going to start giving you all a side some sarcasm with my photos. And if you don't like it, then you can kiss my little white ass.
It's been a long 48 hours, no sleep. I'm counting the hours until I can't count anymore.
I just wish I can stay up for until I cant stay up any longer, take my sleep medicine, and just fall into a self induced coma.
Where I can dream of peaceful things for as long as I wanted to, and not have to come back to reality unil all the bad things blow past.
I don't feel emotions anymore, why even bother?

I am enjoying these times I feel right now, my serenity has kicked in, and no matter how loud you might yell at me, it still wont pull me out of this state of mind.

The slip has begun taking their part, I'm feeling it.
Until next time we meet.
Well, it's my first blog entry here at Bluelight... so I figured I might as well start with a confession that will scare half of you and leave the other half vastly unimpressed. Tonight is my last night getting loaded before I officially kick heroin.

For the past four months, I have been playing with fire. Only in New York can one order drugs in the same manner they order Chinese food. It's expensive, of course, which is the main reason I'm broke at the moment. I'd been doing a pretty bad job budgeting money before my habit went out of control, but heroin was undoubtedly the catalyst of my financial ruin. I now live from paycheck to paycheck, just like every other financially decrepit person I know.

I never pictured myself becoming an addict. In fact, the first few times I ever used opiates (oxycodone, specifically), I got horribly ill. For many months I could only tolerate opiates in small doses, and I always had to make sure I'd eaten first. The first time I got seriously high off heroin was via intramuscular injection. That was my first real taste of what opiates could offer: a beautiful, blank slate of euphoria. The experience freaked me out so much that I forced my boyfriend (who was a much greater opiate enthusiast at the time) to throw out the remainder of our stash. I made him promise me that we wouldn't touch dope again, and we kept that promise for almost nine months.

What exactly happened that pushed me over the edge, from popping a 30mg Oxycontin for recreational purposes once every few weeks to booting 20 bags of China white every night? Even now it is hard to say. Some junkie sources state that to avoid addiction, one must never use more than two days in a row. I know at some point I adhered to that rule, and broke it at some point later. Over. And over. And over again.

I guess I'll see how I fare over the next few days. I hold down a professional job and no one (except a few very close souls) knows about my secret affliction. I really hope I learn something from this the second time around, after detoxing for one week just a little less than a month ago. I know I can get through it. What really worries me is what comes after it's finished. What do I do with the remnants of myself? Do I go back to yoga, photography, journaling, party-going, the ho-hum of everyday existence pretending it never occurred? Is that even possible? Will I actually be wiser from this in the long run, or was it all just a terrible waste of time and money?

After dumping another $160 down the drain, I didn't even get high tonight. I'm not sure I'll ever get high enough again to be satisfied. I've hit the end of the road, and I can't go down any deeper without fucking up my life in some irretractable way. I guess it's time to turn around. It feels like a very long way back.
I've began working out, and I plan to continue doing so. I'm taking supplements such as Endothil-CR, and I will add a protein shake to my breakfast before my workout. I don't plan on getting buff, but I do want strong muscle definition.

I plan to go seek a psychiatrist about my anxiety issues. I hope to be prescribed pregabalin (Lyrica)/possibly gabapentin and a benzo (preferably clonazepam because it is the only benzo where I don't experience a paradoxical reaction). I plan on taking the Lyrica on the weekdays to manage my anxiety throughout the school days, and I plan to take the benzos on the weekends (including Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) where I have a high level of social activity.

I am planning to take these two medications for a month or two as I go to support/therapy sessions in order for myself to open up. Otherwise, if I weren't to take these, I would not open up; therefore, I will not get anything accomplished. As my anxiety disorder improves, I plan to taper off of the Lyrica and Benzos while still attending the support/therapy sessions. I will continue going to these sessions and eventually only take the benzos as a sort of emergency plan.

I believe that with the combination of the aforementioned and the excercise will reduce the amount of stress that I encounter in daily life. I also plan on taking more yoga classes.

Sometime in June, I plan on taking a road trip to Los Angeles to go to the Electric Daisy Carnival. I plan to go with at least Jessuh, and possibly Loren and Ana. We will stay at Denver for a night and than continue our way to L.A. Once I get to L.A., I plan to stay for several days.

In order to have enough money for the expenses, I plan to save up any extra money, along with my christmas and birthday money. I plan not to roll until the days of EDC so that I will roll as hard as possible.


I will update this as more goals come, and as the aforementioned goals are completed.
I was going to write a pt. 2 but now I just don't want to LOL

Fuck, I do need my sleep tonight. LOL.
Laying in your arms sleeping against your chest, naked skin on skin, my leg lazily over yours both of us in a not quite sleep state, but inbetween awake and sleep.

Suddenly feeling the hard-on against my thigh. Me reaching down letting my finger tips ever so lightly touch it. Moving futher down and giving your balls a nice little rub.

You know what comes next baby cause you know how I love being a sadistic bitch, and how much you enjoy it.

Pleasure, Pain, losing control, giving up control (?) the calmness of your face as I watch you enjoy yourself. Your eyes, fuck, the look of them when you're enjoying yourself.

You wanted to know my fantasy..? I was so lost in your pleasure I came up blank.

My fantasy is that you would just rip my arms away from what I was doing, flip me over, and fuck me good. Both, if you know what I mean. Make it so I walk funny the next day, make it so I can't walk strait, stand strait, hell make me walk like a staggering drunk from being fucked so hard and good.

Once I have cum all over your dick, your fingers, your bed.

Switch, I am now the sadistic bitch again. Making you do the dirty things you love to do. Letting you enjoy a little pain, and maybe taking it a little easy this time......or not.

Shit, is the sun up already? Yes it is.

Sweaty, worn out, smile on our faces from pain and enjoyment. Falling asleep this time, naked, worn out, and happy(?).

Fucking, Sex, whatever..... figure that out later.

The moonlight hour is time for letting go for enjoyment and pleasurepain. No time for thoughts, just actions.

Dirty words/ talk turn me on. So does your smile. Pathetic I know, but hey, whatevs. fun times.

sllllllipery when wet. haha.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Up last night, any wonder why I couldn't sleep? LOL

Your scent surrounding me, on my shirt, on my hands, all over my body.

I was wearing no panties when we spoke, how could I when every time i try and sleep that's what comes up. Laying on my livingroom floor in my nightshirt, staring at my screen reading ghey ass shit online and wondering why I was watching cartoons, while also fading out and becoming wet all over again....LOL

I think i need to invest in my own washer & dryer, or never sleep in undies again LOL
---------------------------------------------------------------
pt. 2 coming up next.....
HA! so i went to the city yesterday.... Had some brunch with my drag queen...which turned into wayyyyyy too many drinks and a night to remember...haha...
So we all leave the bar my friend works in and we decide to walk 24 blocks to some soap store one of the girls wanted to go to... well, my friend in drag...ryan...is WASTED haha, he's verbally accosting children, old women, etc. He's stumbling all over the horribly crowded streets of nyc and ended up walking straight in a trash can, toppling it over and recieving a few 'choice' words from the people around him. So about 4 blocks into our walk we reach penn station and I make an executive decision to bring ryan home and let our friends continue their trek. so..we say our goodbyes and split up...
Now its just me and a severely intoxicated drag queen...not gonna lie, i was pretty buzzed...maybe a combo of suboxone and too much alcohol? i dunno..but it was funnier than it should have been...and i didnt give a fuck.
So we finally make it to the subway and im trying to get him to think clearly enough to tell me where we have to get off...ive never been to his new apartment... so we're on the train, im taking pictures of him because he keeps fucking posing...
after a 15 min layover (due to new subway regulations they sometimes stop the trains and search bags) he settled down and sat down. I was looking for our stop when suddenly he gets up and walks to the doors of the subway, i was like no no no this isnt our stop and he swore it was so we were gonna get off..well, He decided to stand in the doorframe and let the doors continuously slam on him then finally steps off...just as i was about to put my foot out the door, they slam in my face and the subway takes off...with me still fucking on it!!
In loving memory of Terence Mckenna.


October 30, 2009

“Say what you mean and mean what you say.” - Chesire Cat (Alice in the Wonderland)

Language plays a vital role in constructing our perceptions of reality and the structure of the world we live in. The perfect combination of words can trigger a picture in the mind’s eye; we are ultimately trying to get the listener to see what we mean. And impeccable language has the power of forming a visualization of the message that the communicator is attempting to illustrate. That is the goal each time we try to communicate a notion or description. We plant words in the listener’s mind in order for the words to develop and flourish into a full-blown illustrative hallucination. When this is accomplished, people truly see what we mean. This is precisely why language is so essential in constructing our understanding of reality.

Because of the subjective-centric nature of reality, it is imperative to be able to truly understand people’s subjective perspectives. It is often apparent that we cannot confide in a listener’s ability to register a stream of communication; instead, it should be the responsibility of the communicator to be sure that they are thoroughly understood. Relying on people’s listening skills seems to be an apathetic approach of attempting to convey your message. Your subjective perspective matters and it is YOUR responsibility to have your perspective both, understood and respected.

My contention is that we should not rely on people’s lucid listening, because by doing so we are simply handing away the fate of our word. By developing a crisp form of communication however, we can cultivate a greater sense of control over the ultimate portrayal of our message. You can vividly express yourself using colorful language, or you can monotonously express yourself in tones of grey. It is your choice. It is your freedom of expression, but keep in mind that we are the masters of the fate of our word.

That's why it is so important to communicate, for all of us to put our best foot forward, to put our best metaphors on the table. Because we can move no faster than the evolution of our language. And this is certainly part of what the psychedelics are about: they force the evolution of language. And no culture, as far as I am aware, has ever consciously tried to evolve its language with the awareness that evolving language was evolving reality.
-Terence McKenna


What we are essentially doing is creating and building worlds of words; worlds of language. And it is the people who truly familiarize themselves with the powerful potential of lexis and language that are truly successful at projecting their particular outlook; in other words, they are “understood.”

As the late Terence Mckenna referred to in the quote above, evolving language is evolving reality. Each word we use is a choice, and it is the unique combination and choice of our words that determine the fate and eventual impact of our message. And it is crucial to note that the evolution of language begins with the use or disuse of a single word; as the ensuing example perfectly portrays.

I recently read Steinbeck’s East of Eden. In my opinion it provides us with what is possibly the ultimate example of how powerful a single word can be. The example lies towards the end of chapter 24; which, to me, is the most meaningful chapter of the novel. As the characters sip their porcelain cups of wormwood filled ng-ka-py (a drink similar to absinthe), the Chinese servant, Lee, begins to deconstruct the biblical story of Cain and Abel in a most exacting and fascinating fashion. Lee goes on to say:


The King James version says this—it is when Jehovah has asked Cain why he is angry. Jehova says, ‘If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and THOU SHALT rule over him.’ It was the ‘thou shalt’ that struck me, because it was a promise that Cain would conquer sin.

Then I got a copy of the American Standard Bible. It was very new then. And it was different in this passage. It says, ‘DO THOU rule over him.’ Now this is very different. This is not a promise, it is an order. And I began to stew about it. I wondered what the original word of the original writer had been that these very different translations can be made.



We then find out Lee spent about two years studying and learning Hebrew in order to expose his mind to an unfiltered interpretation of what the “original word of the original writer had been.” After two years of dedicating himself to the Hebrew language, he decided to finally reread the Cain and Abel story in its original language—Hebrew. I can’t stress to you the importance of his truth-filled realization. It goes:

Don’t you see? The American Standard translation ORDERS men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in “Thou Shalt,” meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—Though mayest—that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’ Don’t you see?

There you go. The word timshel means “thou mayest.” The mistranslation of the word timshel to mean “thou shalt” in certain bibles had the power to program literal biblical interpreters into believing that God was ORDERING Cain; the word of God gave Caine no choice, his fate was doomed because disobeying God is simply an obnoxious blasphemous obscenity. Caine appeared to have no choice because of the simple mistranslation of one word; when in fact, the original Genesis 4:16 empowers Caine with free-will. It empowers Caine with a choice. The simple shift of words can manifest a new set of rules, a new reality for the literal interpreters of the Bible. “Thou shalt” and “thou mayest” is the difference of one word, but the difference in these words are the difference between worlds. So timshel, people! TIMSHEL!

But what happens when we fall into the land of the ineffable? When you’re point does not radiate? When language fails to exude the essence of your message? Language provides us with tools in order to attempt to link the effable with the ineffable. This is what is meant by pushing the boundaries of language; to further expand and connect the linguistic infrastructures of our infinite realms. This is why we need to take into consideration the fact that certain subjective experiences cannot be expressed using ordinary language. This is the precise reason as to why I am completely fascinated by the potential power of what the metaphor has to offer us and what the metaphor is really all about.

Again, as the late Terence Mckenna alluded to, we are collectively evolving at the rate of the evolution of our language and ideas. That’s why metaphors are so important to the evolution of notions and language. Metaphors allow for the unification of the material and the abstract. By linking together the material and immaterial, a linguistic type of node is created in order to invisibly reinforce the connectedness of the separate realities. It seems as if metaphors are a tool that language provides us with in order to link the previously unlinked.

As more people realize the importance of their subjective realities, more metaphors will splurge into existence in order to further propel the evolution of a more sophisticated relationship between the ‘multichotomous’ worlds that we live in.

In Kathleen Norris’s book, The Cloister Walk, the Gregorian mystic accurately manages to verbally illustrate the power of metaphors:

Metaphor drawn on images from the natural world, from our senses, and from the world of human social structures, and yokes them to psychological and spiritual realities in such a way that we’re often left gasping; we have no way to fully explain a metaphor’s power, it simply is.

The reason this realization is so important is because it is connected to a fundamental, “zoomed-out” truth. Norris points out earlier in the same chapter, “You build a world in what you say, words, as I speak them or write them, make a path on which I walk; language is a living thing.” I am certainly a believer in the power of words because I recognize that the essence of reality is made up of information. Information is always all around us (electrical, cellular, molecular, sensory, etc.) and language is exactly that, information.

Pushing the boundaries of verbal illustration plays a critical part in the evolution of language, and therefore the simultaneous and symmetrical evolution of reality. And that’s part of what the ZOOMDOUT Trip is about, to encourage a new-found awareness for language:

For all of us to put our best foot forward, to put our best metaphors on the table. Because we can move no faster than the evolution of our language. And this is certainly part of what the psychedelics are about: they force the evolution of language. And no culture, as far as I am aware, has ever consciously tried to evolve its language with the awareness that evolving language was evolving reality.

Until now… 0_0

http://zoomdout.com/
In loving memory of Terence Mckenna.


October 30, 2009

“Say what you mean and mean what you say.” - Chesire Cat (Alice in the Wonderland)

Language plays a vital role in constructing our perceptions of reality and the structure of the world we live in. The perfect combination of words can trigger a picture in the mind’s eye; we are ultimately trying to get the listener to see what we mean. And impeccable language has the power of forming a visualization of the message that the communicator is attempting to illustrate. That is the goal each time we try to communicate a notion or description. We plant words in the listener’s mind in order for the words to develop and flourish into a full-blown illustrative hallucination. When this is accomplished, people truly see what we mean. This is precisely why language is so essential in constructing our understanding of reality.

Because of the subjective-centric nature of reality, it is imperative to be able to truly understand people’s subjective perspectives. It is often apparent that we cannot confide in a listener’s ability to register a stream of communication; instead, it should be the responsibility of the communicator to be sure that they are thoroughly understood. Relying on people’s listening skills seems to be an apathetic approach of attempting to convey your message. Your subjective perspective matters and it is YOUR responsibility to have your perspective both, understood and respected.

My contention is that we should not rely on people’s lucid listening, because by doing so we are simply handing away the fate of our word. By developing a crisp form of communication however, we can cultivate a greater sense of control over the ultimate portrayal of our message. You can vividly express yourself using colorful language, or you can monotonously express yourself in tones of grey. It is your choice. It is your freedom of expression, but keep in mind that we are the masters of the fate of our word.

That's why it is so important to communicate, for all of us to put our best foot forward, to put our best metaphors on the table. Because we can move no faster than the evolution of our language. And this is certainly part of what the psychedelics are about: they force the evolution of language. And no culture, as far as I am aware, has ever consciously tried to evolve its language with the awareness that evolving language was evolving reality.
-Terence McKenna


What we are essentially doing is creating and building worlds of words; worlds of language. And it is the people who truly familiarize themselves with the powerful potential of lexis and language that are truly successful at projecting their particular outlook; in other words, they are “understood.”

As the late Terence Mckenna referred to in the quote above, evolving language is evolving reality. Each word we use is a choice, and it is the unique combination and choice of our words that determine the fate and eventual impact of our message. And it is crucial to note that the evolution of language begins with the use or disuse of a single word; as the ensuing example perfectly portrays.

I recently read Steinbeck’s East of Eden. In my opinion it provides us with what is possibly the ultimate example of how powerful a single word can be. The example lies towards the end of chapter 24; which, to me, is the most meaningful chapter of the novel. As the characters sip their porcelain cups of wormwood filled ng-ka-py (a drink similar to absinthe), the Chinese servant, Lee, begins to deconstruct the biblical story of Cain and Abel in a most exacting and fascinating fashion. Lee goes on to say:


The King James version says this—it is when Jehovah has asked Cain why he is angry. Jehova says, ‘If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and THOU SHALT rule over him.’ It was the ‘thou shalt’ that struck me, because it was a promise that Cain would conquer sin.

Then I got a copy of the American Standard Bible. It was very new then. And it was different in this passage. It says, ‘DO THOU rule over him.’ Now this is very different. This is not a promise, it is an order. And I began to stew about it. I wondered what the original word of the original writer had been that these very different translations can be made.



We then find out Lee spent about two years studying and learning Hebrew in order to expose his mind to an unfiltered interpretation of what the “original word of the original writer had been.” After two years of dedicating himself to the Hebrew language, he decided to finally reread the Cain and Abel story in its original language—Hebrew. I can’t stress to you the importance of his truth-filled realization. It goes:

Don’t you see? The American Standard translation ORDERS men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in “Thou Shalt,” meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—Though mayest—that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’ Don’t you see?

There you go. The word timshel means “thou mayest.” The mistranslation of the word timshel to mean “thou shalt” in certain bibles had the power to program literal biblical interpreters into believing that God was ORDERING Cain; the word of God gave Caine no choice, his fate was doomed because disobeying God is simply an obnoxious blasphemous obscenity. Caine appeared to have no choice because of the simple mistranslation of one word; when in fact, the original Genesis 4:16 empowers Caine with free-will. It empowers Caine with a choice. The simple shift of words can manifest a new set of rules, a new reality for the literal interpreters of the Bible. “Thou shalt” and “thou mayest” is the difference of one word, but the difference in these words are the difference between worlds. So timshel, people! TIMSHEL!

But what happens when we fall into the land of the ineffable? When you’re point does not radiate? When language fails to exude the essence of your message? Language provides us with tools in order to attempt to link the effable with the ineffable. This is what is meant by pushing the boundaries of language; to further expand and connect the linguistic infrastructures of our infinite realms. This is why we need to take into consideration the fact that certain subjective experiences cannot be expressed using ordinary language. This is the precise reason as to why I am completely fascinated by the potential power of what the metaphor has to offer us and what the metaphor is really all about.

Again, as the late Terence Mckenna alluded to, we are collectively evolving at the rate of the evolution of our language and ideas. That’s why metaphors are so important to the evolution of notions and language. Metaphors allow for the unification of the material and the abstract. By linking together the material and immaterial, a linguistic type of node is created in order to invisibly reinforce the connectedness of the separate realities. It seems as if metaphors are a tool that language provides us with in order to link the previously unlinked.

As more people realize the importance of their subjective realities, more metaphors will splurge into existence in order to further propel the evolution of a more sophisticated relationship between the ‘multichotomous’ worlds that we live in.

In Kathleen Norris’s book, The Cloister Walk, the Gregorian mystic accurately manages to verbally illustrate the power of metaphors:

Metaphor drawn on images from the natural world, from our senses, and from the world of human social structures, and yokes them to psychological and spiritual realities in such a way that we’re often left gasping; we have no way to fully explain a metaphor’s power, it simply is.

The reason this realization is so important is because it is connected to a fundamental, “zoomed-out” truth. Norris points out earlier in the same chapter, “You build a world in what you say, words, as I speak them or write them, make a path on which I walk; language is a living thing.” I am certainly a believer in the power of words because I recognize that the essence of reality is made up of information. Information is always all around us (electrical, cellular, molecular, sensory, etc.) and language is exactly that, information.

Pushing the boundaries of verbal illustration plays a critical part in the evolution of language, and therefore the simultaneous and symmetrical evolution of reality. And that’s part of what the ZOOMDOUT Trip is about, to encourage a new-found awareness for language:

For all of us to put our best foot forward, to put our best metaphors on the table. Because we can move no faster than the evolution of our language. And this is certainly part of what the psychedelics are about: they force the evolution of language. And no culture, as far as I am aware, has ever consciously tried to evolve its language with the awareness that evolving language was evolving reality.

Until now… 0_0
So it's begun, somehow I am going to have to fork out this week with no food, again. I'm running low on oatmeal rations, and I have plenty of protein mix (chocolate and vanilla). I have vitamins so I will remain some-what healthy.
I have about 10 oatmeal packets left. 4 brown-sugar and maple, 1 cinna-bon, and 5 plain/orgnial flavors.
Shit fucking sucks, It's all I got.
It's like in the Matrix, when they eat that oatmeal shit in the first one, thats exactly what my life is like.
I'm not sure how much longer I can take of this, I'm nearing the cracking stage. (If I havn't cracked already).
Not going home for T-Day, and not for C-Day either. In matter affect I have a Court date on 12/30, So I'm counting down the days.
Don't know to much of anything anymore, don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
Thats all for now.
:p

bored, ishould check out my old LJ account and see if anything new is going on there.

CL checked with a couple laughs but overall faggotry...

blah, boring day.


80mgs of powdered heroin

Heroin: Destroying lives since 1874.
Not quite sure if anyone is going to read this, ah well.

My boyfriend has passed out an in haze of hash so i thought i'd wash a moderate amount of DF's down with some wine and then sub some k-pins - feeling pretty damn good now!

Quickly loosing the will to type an even see.

Anyho, this was more of a test to see if anyone is actaully interested in my life on this crazy fourm. An i'm also quite bored, and feel like typing.

Nighty nighty fellow cocktail chemists


x
Ugh shitty days, had to work and then I find out there's h around. Too bad I have no money. Now I have to find money to buy it and then hopefully od to end my shitty feelings. Peace cruel world
started out great.... :D ;)

some people *cough* ex's *cough* need to get hurt.

Bah, now my fucking throat hurts.

Gonna let a hot bath sooth my tense muscles.


hmnnn.... getting lost in thought is fun sometimes haha.

Shit, I need sleep. Only had.....hmmnnn......what....2-3hrs sleep in 24hrs.

Bubbles....da bubbles.....da bubbles are calling.

Hmnnn, company would be fun, but bubbles and a good soak will have to do.

Fuck every thing on my body aches. Sleep vs. Bubbles.....

now im just rambling.... haha.

boredom is very farty. =D
Yeah, one thing that I absolutely HATE, I mean completely despise is when people ask me for cigarettes. No, it isn't because I'm cheap. I can honestly say that I tend to be quite giving. I have narrowed my hatred of this act down to five valid reasons:

1. If you could afford your drug habit back then and no longer do those drugs how is it possible to not afford a $6 a day nicotine habit?

2. Bumming cigarettes to people reminds me of rehab. I HATED rehab

3. It gives me the impression that you are treating me like your bitch, mistaking my kindness for weakness. I fear I may act out and show how unweak I am

4. The people who bum from me all have some sort of income in the form of a paycheck or government assistance (I have neither)

5. It forces me to face the fact that I am unable to quit smoking. I HATE being a smoker myself.

I still have a neighbor who knocks on my door, calls me on the phone or, get this... WATCHES OUT HER WINDOW waiting for me to pull in in order to ask for a cigarette.

I mean, c'mon now. Its not like I have magical, super-flavorful cigarettes. They're fucking Marlboro Mediums bought at the same stores everyone else buys from.

I guess I am a bitch. I rarely say 'no' anymore.

My newest goal is to simply deny ALL requests for smokes. If I offer, that's different, but I'm done with the handouts.
So I keep walking. Sometimes confident, sometimes quite uncertain but I need to continue on no matter what.

I walk with many. Some were right next to me but somehow I can no longer see them on this path. Are they still on it? Some are but many chose the comfort of familiar terrain. Terrain that has many more stones and barbed branches that rip and tear.

As I walk I trip and stumble often but I have yet to fall. As I mentioned, I walk with many. As I start to slip, I am prevented from falling by my companions.

There are those who don't walk the same path as me but encourage and support me in my decision to keep on keeping on. I cry out often and those far from my particular path hear me. They shout that I MUST go on. They plead to me and remind me that I am doing well and I am doing what is necessary. They tell me that they are proud of me and I believe them.

I have never met many of these but I value them greatly. They sense my struggles and offer me their strength. They believe in me when I don't believe in myself.

These people who aren't on this path I walk support me more than those that walk with me.

I can now swagger a little, confident that I am loved. Voices from far away have helped me more than the the whispered slogans that are right next to my ear.
Sometimes I struggle to see the point in getting clean. Beneath their addictions, a lot of drug addicts are fairly normal people - once they stop using they are able to slowly get their lives back on track, and become happy productive members of society.

It's not so easy for me. Even without drugs, I'll still be a physically and mentally ill transsexual girl with no work experience, no fancy qualifications, and little money to my name. I'll probably be unemployed, and unemployable, for the rest of my life.

My future doesn't look very promising at all. It sounds pessimistic, but I think it's realistic. I honestly don't know what to do. Without drugs, what is there for me? I've been searching for some purpose, or some direction to my life, and still I haven't found it. I have a girlfriend who I love dearly and want to spend my life with... but I don't seem to have much of a life, really. :(
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